Chronicle Of Blog Visitor Narrative...

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STAND ALONE NARRATIVE

STUCK IN A PLACE OF HURT AND REGRET

I miss my ex boyfriend, and wished I was wiser then. I could have stayed put, as I am doing very well. But here I am now, divorced after 4 years of marriage and a single parent too.

I wouldn’t deny that relationships had been good to me, I priced myself out, so I believe. When I meet a good man I believe I over judge their capacity and the expectation I have seems over the board too. 

So I dated this struggling guy for 2 years and pulled out, I felt he was just being good and great because he was struggling - as society makes us believe that struggling men are ONLY good because they are broke, wait until the are made. 

I could stay, I am well put together financially. And seeing also that he was laid back, the devil in me was discouraged. So I jumped ship to a "better man" so I think. Dated for 2 years and got married. It was like the individual I was with in courtship, was the opposite of the man I married. I had my own faults too, but he was just a different character to all had ever known him as.

 The only resolution was to go our separate ways for good. He is still a good father to our child, other than that he was just another pretentious narcissist.

Last month, I was transferred to Lagos state from where I was based (Abuja), and here I met my ex-boyfriend. He is doing very well for himself, married to someone I know. His wife used to be one of our junior staff (customer care) who used to be our intermediary, whenever my ex-boyfriend called at my place of work.

I was surprised my former boss, who is my present boss in this new branch knows about this and never mentioned it to me. We interface regularly, she is like a mentor to me and she even helped with my transfer when I mentioned to her that I wanted a relocation from my former state.

When I confronted her, she said it was not her business to gossip that. And that it was when she resumed in Lagos that she met this colleague at the branch, and got to know she was married. That it was last December end of the year company party that she met this said ex as this my colleague's husband. And that she warned me to hold tightly onto that guy, the few times we discussed him but I didn't heed. Because according to her, such good man is rare. Although she acknowledged that she couldn't blame me for my decision, only a few women would stick with a struggling man. Because for most, when life smiles at them they move on to something else.

I was patient and good to this guy for 2 year, I honestly can't come up with what devil possessed me to walk away from him. I still remember how he cried and begged, here I am now in a way envious and jealous of my junior colleague who is now married to my ex-boyfriend. I wasn't surprised they looked happy together, he is family oriented.

I don't even know why I am writing this now, jealous and envious I know I am. But I am more worried that what I shared with him in the past has become a standard template for me going forward. Everyone I have met since I got divorced over a year ago, I have compared them to the simple way I and ex-boyfriend loved each other.

 I know its not about comfort, I can comfortably take very good care of I and my child without the help of family or anyone. And my ex-husband is very comfortable too. So for me it isn't about comfort in material things, I think it's comfort in my soul that I lack but don't know how to go about it.

How I wished I was more emotionally mature some years ago with my ex-boyfriend, and not pay much attention to how some friends and society talk down at some kind of people. 

-Don't love people into their potential,

- don't date a broke man if he makes money he will change towards you, 

-don't stay in a relationship with a man who does the barest minimum.

- Don't do this with that man, don't do that with this man. I just realised now in my early 30s what I should have known in my mid 20s. That maybe that was their capacity then, not that they are not good. 

Relationship is not by the book, but by one's intuition and discretion. How do we meet good people, and not realise that's their nature and who they are? How easily do we judge them based on societal standards, instead of accepting them the way they loved us naturally?

 How do we resurrect the good things we took for granted and condemn to generalization? How easily do we even come to that state, of letting go the very things that makes our innerselves look good? 

I haven't been in a good state since I married and even now that I am divorced, it just felt like I deceived myself into where I am now. I need another transfer away from this state. I failed, and I am pained that I failed myself.

 I don't know if I can find love like I once knew it? I'm sorry for this long rant, I am not in a good place presently. It hurts me that I still want my ex-boyfriend, but he is married. It hurts more that he avoids me, like I once did. This pain is a bitch!

*Eyaaah, you left your brokeaxx bobo and went to marry someone else that was supposedly better off and now you want Mr former brokeaxx back? Its good that he is avoiding you,please also do same or take another transfer from that place cos his avoiding might indicate that he might still want you..... Leave that place before you break your colleagues marriage eeeeeeh