AGREEMENT IS AGREEMENT
Stella please post.
I've been married for 15 years,and I can boldly say I've done well to my wife and children, they come first in whatever I do.
Recently,we both decided to relocate to the abroad, my wife has been a wonderful wife but due to where we were ,she wasn't working, she takes care of the home front while I work in a multinational, and I take good care of her, this anyone around can testify, the mother sef is always praying for me whenever she sees her, good clothes ,good car, and stipend in her account, infact she's in care of my finances, all I do is make the money and we both sit on how to spend it, she's not a wasteful person though.
She hardly goes out except to market ,and she picks and drop kids, though I'm always at work, and always complaining of boredom, I don't really encourage keeping friends, I don't too, once I'm not at work I'm home with her and we go to wherever I want to go , even to barbing and mechanic except she says she's not going. She's always on her phone,but I can't blame her as she's keeping herself busy.
Recently,we decided I go first so as to prepare a soft landing for them in the abroad though we secured visa for the whole family, it's been 6 months now and I told her to come over, but she's been giving excuse upon excuse, seems she's happy to be apart from me, she's been going to parties she's never been going before, and keeping plenty friends.
Recently,we decided I go first so as to prepare a soft landing for them in the abroad though we secured visa for the whole family, it's been 6 months now and I told her to come over, but she's been giving excuse upon excuse, seems she's happy to be apart from me, she's been going to parties she's never been going before, and keeping plenty friends.
I want my wife with me, I've already resigned from work so I can't say I want to relocate back to naija, I missed my wife, no woman has ever gotten my attention since I knew her not even since marriage, since our dating days,I've never been tempted to cheat , and we dated for 6 years,so I've known her for 21 years, she's like the centre of my life and I'm scared of this her attitude. Her excuse is that I was choking her and she needs space.
Stella help me, what do I do? My mind isn't here anymore because this wasn't our plan before I left naija, this traveling was even her idea, I had a good job back home but she said we should relocate. Our plan is for both of us to come over, she'll look for a job here too cos she's keen on working,and I've tried my best to look for job for her while in naija, but you know how hard that can be and I don't want my wife doing anyhow job , that was why she's not been working and I can say I really tried to give her whatever she needs at the right time, you can't open her wardrobe and not believe she isn't working, and she's doing a wonderful job on the kids too, if you see my family you'll think I'm a billionaire..
Hmmm Oga please dont panic....If she said that you were choking then let her breet....concentrate on the work and prepare the soft landing and see how it goes...She is enjoying the freedom and doing things she has not done in a long time,let her be and dont rush back to meet her oh or else you will lose her..let her miss you, let her want to be with you..... This moment will define if your marriage will move on or not..
Please be patient OK?
Jesus fix this.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I support Stella, let her miss you small. You can start meeting people and going out too so you won’t be too lonely. It is well. Jesus fix it.
DeletePoster stop calling her, if she calls, tell her you will return her calls but don't. She will start wondering why, it is the demons in her that is so jealous she has it all and it is trying to strip her of her blessings. God Bless You for being a good man. Any woman being provided for should seize the opportunity to learn a skill/ skills or get more and better qualifications. 2hrs course a day can go a long way.
DeleteHmmmm
DeleteYou think going out and meeting ppl is easy abroad. Why do you think ppl complain of loneliness and depression especially during winter. Me wey dey here know Wetin my eyes don see. Nothing beats having you significant other around if not hmm
DeleteI kind of agree with anon 15.50. Poster give her that space she wants, in a couple of weeks she will start wondering what has changed and why she's not getting attention from you again, by then her head go shift.
DeleteI understand the needing freedom and all that but common, she needs to give you a reasonable timeline to work towards.
Ask her how many more months she wants you to give her before she relocates to join you and see if it's something you can work with.
I hope she's very reasonable and understands that she's running a risk of bringing cracks into her marriage this way.
16:07 meeting people is easy abroad. Ask someone to help you do that.
DeleteYou see human beings baa? I have learnt to always have this second mind because they will always disappoint no matter what!
Delete16:07, you are either out to attack and vent or to let the Bille know you reside abroad, either way, skip my comment because it obviously isn’t/wasn’t meant for you.
Delete16:22, thanks a lot. In their small mind, some of them probably have concluded that majority of the BVs live in Nigeria.
I second the advice of anon 15:50
DeletePlease stop calling or texting her, just call her once a day and only ask about the kids, don’t tell her you miss her, don’t have any lovey-dovey conversations with her… watch for one month and see what happens
I don't even know what some women want, I just pray everything end well for both of you. If it's the man that has refused to bring her over now, we will all be castigating him, women hmmmmm
ReplyDelete*Larry was here*
Some men will even be happy,at least dey can start cheating
DeleteNa waoh. Person wey get head no get cap na him be this chronicle. God please shee I come life come look ni. It is well. Oga! free her for now. If possible join dating sites to meet people you can at least communicate with(Just a distraction).During this process, stop calling her, and if she calls, miss them most times and return the calls the 3rd day. Do that for 3 months. I can assure you that her brain will reset.
DeleteYou think it's easy to cheat abroad? If you don't end up paying child support you may end up being accused of rape if you dump her harshly/ghost her.
DeleteAnon 17:55, how can you advise him to join a dating site? God forgive you. Mstcheew.
DeleteIt is well shaaaaa
ReplyDeleteFreedom at last is what is playing out now...
Hmmm
She is a free bird now, living the life she always wanted to.
DeleteShe don get side bf.
Sluttychic.
@Slutty
DeleteOr go soon get one.
Oga don't tell me you're naive. You are no longer here, she's partying and having fun whilst giving you excuses. Go figure... Pray for her. 6months celibacy ? Dey play o😆
ReplyDelete#Clears throat.
ReplyDeleteThat's a good advice stella
ReplyDeleteAn adage says 'eni Lori o ni fila, Eni to ni fila o Lori to Fe de si'. It's a pity she's seeing you as choking her now, why not give her some more time, if she's still adamant about coming over to join you, then I'll advise you involve her family.
ReplyDeleteOya sope o ti lo!
ReplyDeleteGive her time but it may not be as you are thinking maybe she enjoy new found freedom maybe she is seeing other people ,time will tell but prepare for anything
ReplyDeleteSee better husband, abeg don't come back to naija ooo, keep assuring her of your love if you come back she might likely leave you. I think she's arranging one or two things and will soon join you over there.
DeleteLife no balance at all. God created it that way.
ReplyDeleteShe's been longing for this freedom for a long time. I hope things gets resolved between the two of you.
ReplyDeleteOha truth be told, you really choked this woman.
ReplyDeleteLike how the hell did she survive this prison lifestyle all these years, she can't make friends, attend parties, do girls hangout all these years, ehh ????
Na wa.
She is taking her time and maximising the freedom she got.
Don't worry she is flexing cos she knows once she arrives abroad it will be work work work.
Let her be, she will join with the kids soon.
Also pray about it maka adi ama-ama
Lol.
But I strongly feel she is just enjoy her short freedom
Don’t mind him. He’s not being completely honest. I know his type. He might even be verbally and physically abusive to her. Jealous and insecure. Always watching her every move, monitoring the friends she keeps and choking the life out of her. Note how he over emphasized on the ‘good provider’ because he knows that’s the only good thing he does for her and the family. He didn’t allow her to work so she would not mingle with others and form network and connections. See how he said there was no job that was good enough for her. What about business? I’m sure she wanted to work or start a business he refused. Monitoring spirit. Madam enjoy your freedom for a while. This was her only way of escape.
DeleteYou guy keep looking for perfection that you don't have, if he had abandoned her or allowed her be the provider, you all will still complain, haba, she should divorce him if she isn't happy instead of all these mind games.
Delete18:39
DeleteThank you.
Some women want to have their cakes in marriage, eat it, and also eat half thier husbands cakes and have the other half for their paternal families.
If he was not providing, we would have read about how God wired the man to be the only provider in a family and the woman has the license to do as deemed fit.
exactly..i dont understand why most bvs cant see that.
Deletethis man was very controlling. nothing you can tell me. didnt want her to have any life outside her family.
DeleteI still stand by my words. Don't ever travel and leave your family behind. It is a bad idea. You all should have traveled together and rough it out abroad so that everyone knows how hard it can be. If you bring her now, she will not be happy o. She has moved on and found someone else that is giving her attention. She is not wise. This Nigeria that nothing is guaranteed. A woman that has always been provided for thinks that there is something out there that she is missing. Mtchwww
ReplyDeleteThank you.
DeleteEven if she gets abroad na only God go save the marriage.
Poster reorganize your estate. Seek sound legal advice on estate planning home and abroad.
When a male Bv says it here fairly regularly, we hear this and that. Bu
Anon 15:50, your second line is MVP ooooo. God is involve
DeleteI tirer for some women ohh,you have a good man and all that.yet your eye the fine wentin no lost.oga give am the freedom she seeks.i pray she doesn't regret it shaa.
ReplyDeleteOga, inform her mother and hear what response she will give you..
DeleteThis attitude of hers is too bad.
U are a good man poster!I wish good people with good heart meet themselves.From all u wrote,u love ur wife dearly n u aren’t even talking of getting a girlfriend over there,Almighty will bless u more
ReplyDeleteGuy you no get wife.
ReplyDeleteFree her and focus on other things to make you happy.
Have more girls.
Abundance mentality is what you need.
It keeps women on check.
Let her beg for at least one year before you consider taking her back so she can learn, have sense and value what she has.
This is the only way you can have peace in future.
When a woman disrespect you in this manner, they'll never respect you again unless you give them a well deserved punishment
Poster don't step out please, it never ends well.
DeleteI feel sorry for what you are experiencing, but I do not understand the part where you wrote that, you don't encourage keeping friends and you don't keep friends too?
ReplyDeleteWell, that is your choice, your preference and not hers. Judging by the outcome of the situation she never wanted that kind of life.
Did you impose your lifestyle on her? If you do not like making friends then that is you, your preferences and it is fine if you are okay and used to it but is she like that naturally or have you enforced it on her?
It seems her personality differs from yours and she was just going along with it while you were around considering it was what you wanted.
Your wife does not seem to have a social life. No friends, no career, does she by any chance go to church and associate with the members?
Even though I believe you have been nothing but a good husband it seems you didn't let her be her person and you made her live a life of seclusion or else the statement of yours not encouraging friends meant something different entirely.
If you couldn't get a job for her why didn't she have a business all these years? Since you have the money to set it up for her.
If she was a loner by default or an introvert then it would have been fair but I doubt she was ever herself.
How do you know she is going to parties and keeping many friends? Hope it is not your imagination playing tricks on you.
She probably does not believe you will help her get a job when she comes over or allow her to make friends and mingle with people. Talk to her and let her tell you what scares her. Convince her and show her when she comes over by letting her be herself. It is okay and normal to have a life outside of marriage. If you don't want it for yourself then let her.
Now to the issue of her staying back. For her to act this way you must have choked her with excessive love so she has taken you for granted. Sometimes too much love can choke that is why it is said that too much of everything is bad. Even in love learn to give people some space to miss you and do not build your world around anybody. Sometimes when she asks to follow you to the mechanic, you can advise her to stay back that you will be back soon. You did not create mystery. But you were too predictable, too in her face. You said you made her the center of your world? That was God's rightful place right there not a mortal and honestly that sounds clinging.
She was wrong for not opening up to you concerning how she feels and letting you find out how she feels after you have gotten over there. That was deceitful, manipulative and wicked.
If you want her to come around. Ignore her and act like you don't want her to come over. Reduce the number of times you call her and sometimes miss her calls intentionally and do not call back immediately. Then watch her run over to you. If she still refuses to come around after all that, please let her stay back and start making plans to move on with your life. Who knows you might be lucky to meet an introvert like yourself who is also a hopeless romantic like you while she also gets the opportunity to live the life she thinks she missed out on.
Words on Marble.
Wooooowwww... Coming from a man, I'm really surprised. You're a good man.
ReplyDeletePlease give her time
Hmmmm... I think it was last week a BV here commented that being too available for your spouse is not a good thing. People do need their space. Even in marriage. Don't choke your spouse.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I'll advise you one man to another OP. Few Nigerian women are very receptive to an overly calm and gentle man. You became too predictable to your spouse and bored her to death. Yes. I said it.
Your absence now, has given her room to rediscover herself. So you will have to give her all the time she needs.
What should you do now?
1. Cut off or reduce your communication with her to the barest minimum. Be as formal as you can when talking with her.
2. Don't keep her updated on any moves you are mAking in the place you relocated to. Keep her in the dark.
3. By now you should have an idea of how much your kids need to maintain the lifestyle you have given them when you were here in Nigeria. Calculate that and send her the money for three months upkeep. Then cease every form of sending money. If she needs more money stand your ground and say you are not sending a dime except for flight tickets. She can't stay when you aren't sending money. You did mention she's not working.
5. Be prepared that things may go south. We truly don't know anyone. Not even after years of dating and marriage. If we did, you won't be seeing chronicles here about marital issues mainly.
6. You have a great opportunity to re-evaluate your marriage from a distance. You have held the weight of the union mainly, let her put in more effort. Desiring to be with you at the soonest, should be her priority.
7. Ultimately, you may have to give her an ultimatum. Give her a specific time period that she must not exceed. So she can come over with your children. If she ignores it, then you know you have a battle ahead of you.
You are the head of your home. I won't advise you step out and catch some fun yourself. But your word should stand. You are looking out for the best interest of your family and your wife is duty bound to flow with you on that. Moreso, it is something she willingly agreed to.
I won't really call this a test of your marriage. The next few months though, will be interesting.
You said it's been 6 months now and I told her to come over, but she's been giving excuse upon excuse
ReplyDeleteWhat are the “excuses”?
Maybe they are good reasons
Please speak to any of her family member she respects. Let the person to her and get back you. If she persist let her be. I pray she won't regret her decision by the time her eyes clears.
ReplyDeleteSir, I think something had always been wrong in your marriage but you were too busy to notice.
ReplyDeleteWhat you termed as doing everything good and making her happy may not be exactly what she desired to make her happy.
Material things can not make a person completely happy, so watch it when you say I provide everything. It goes beyond that.
Look at it this way, while you went out to work, you interacted with other persons, and had room to take a breather before returning home. You mentioned you took her to XYZ so she could go out.
Uncle, you were choking somebody's child. Sometimes, everyone needs space away from their spouse and that is what she would have gotten if you sometimes allowed her to work or mingle. She will not run away
Marriage is not a barrack for do's and don'ts, where people go you can not do this and that. You must take into consideration what your partner also wants and I think you neglected her needs.
You as her husband can not fill every void, be husband and friend at the same time. For some people, it can work that way, but for others, they still need friends outside of their husbands.
I noticed where you said you did not like her keeping friends because you did not like to, you did not have and so she did not have.
I want to ask, did she ever at any point disclose to you about not liking living in a certain manner, or wanting to do something different and you killed the idea? This can be a fallout of making rules in marriage that suit only one party and the other has to follow for peace's sake.
Your wife was not happy because she was living a lie and now that you are not here, she feels like a bird out of prison yard and is living her truth.
I will not lie to you, all is not well. She is liking coming to stay with you as going to a prison yard. Your going away made her taste freedom and now she has tasted it, she is scared of coming to join you so you can replace the noose around her neck.
Do something to make her join you as soon as possible, Talk to her, and make her see reasons with you. I pray it works though. If you can come down to Nigeria, please do so just to see what is going on and try to convince her to return with you.
Also, check yourself. Most times, no one wants to leave a peaceful place. You may have to make some promises to change some things to make her breathe. I think she felt suffocated and you did not notice.
If she wants to work, please allow her as she is bored to stiffness, also you may have to compromise on letting her make a few friends although with men like you, this may be hard as you may find it hard to adjust.
You said it yourself that, she is a good wife. Compromise is key, see you see your marriage is going going and will be gone. If she remains here and you remain there consider your marriage dead.
Solve the root cause of her fears, because I think as it is now, if you return to Nigeria in the name of wanting to come join your family, your wife won't be happy. She feels relieved you are there sir.
Gid bless you. You arw on point.
DeleteThe poster missed a lot of things about his wife.
👍👍
DeleteThe best comment.bv tenth
DeleteThank you 16:26. Poster is very controlling too, it is all about what he wants. He stated "i don't want her to do anyhow job". Must it be about what you want or what she wants. Poster is just like my hubby, they don't cheat, they don't have friends. All they do is work, home, family and very hard-working men. In my case i have not been able to accept a bigger role because he doesn't want me to work full-time, he wanted me to be like Poster's wife but we came in agreement that i work part-time 3 times a week. Some of these caring men don't want you to be more successful than them so they can control your existence. Some of them keep malice too, you won't have anyone to associate with so you will always beg for reconciliation. Abeg let that woman be. she's been under your control a long time. You can consider living apart together for sometime and see how it works. You might loose your marriage if you don't take things slowly with her.
Delete03:05
DeleteBut you are still in your marriage. We like the food but never the kitchen heat.
Most times, this work some women talk about contributes nothing to the family and makes the man incur more on child care and other expenses.
DeleteAs for socializing, all a woman needs to do is really assure her husband of fidelity and of not overdoing it like that woman who never stayed home during the weekends until her husband arranged to steal the car he bought for her then she stopped or reduced her outings. Even so, instead of discussing with her husband, she was planning on stealing his car in revenge.
Nothing satisfies some women in marriage except what they want. Even having their needs met is not enough for them.
O8:50
DeleteRead my comment again, this time slowly. I stated we came in agreement that i work part-time. It's reasonable that one partner spends more time with the kids while the other works full-time. Are you angry that am still in my marriage that others are praying to have such a man? Your brain should tell you that my comment means that i always calls him to order. Your type always wants to hear about divorce. Fly away
Sometimes we do need that space to rediscovered our self.
ReplyDeleteSo we still have good men like this?Missing your darling wife.
ReplyDeleteMake sure you concentrate sir and do not loose focus.Try to maintain communications with her regardless,she may be trying to distract herself as well.
Don't be worried,she's just enjoying what she has missed in a long while.It's nothing.
Haa! Some women can pretend.
ReplyDeleteI have a similar situation right now in my country home.
The woman never goes out, nor make friend, she's always loyal to the family.
Just March this year She got a Job, within 1 month, she became a Partying type, became a slave to social media, degenerated to gradually refusing the husband desire for the thing, etc.
When investigated, she already got an admirer in her place of work who gives her x3 of what the husband gives her on monthly basis......
As I am typing now, the home is parted.
The man is still going through the trauma as he was shocked that her dear wife can change unbelievably.
Only God can understand women sincerely.
Dear Poster,
Please be planning for your Children and your Old Age.
As for that woman, hmmm, it's 20/80 chance sir (Back to You / Over)
The Lord will strengthen you sir.
@KSB Truth.
Hmmmmmm
ReplyDeleteThe most complex B
High Cheif Agba (Jon doe) on twitter to your rescue. Cases similar to yours were treated there some time ago. Read through.
ReplyDeleteOga be very careful, this behaviour might continue even after she travel and if you complain the next thing she will call police and have you thrown out of the house. Na like this e they start.
ReplyDeleteHmmm
ReplyDeleteAnother Man's meat
Is Another Man's poison
Chaiii
See better husband oo
Madam better do go meet her husband before she begin regret
Had
I
Known..
Hmmn..some have food...... That's the song that came to my mind. If my husband was like this, I no go complain. I go dey gum am too. Na wa
ReplyDeleteThat devil that played Samba for Eve in the garden of Eden has been hired on this woman's case. The devil dey beat the drum day and night, that na why the woman no dey gree hear wetin her husband dey talk. The drum too loud. Let me first address the poster- give yourself peace over your woman. You talk am say na good person, hopefully she still is, but she need small time to shake body as you don too lock am for house. To me, 6 months is long enough for a woman with a ready visa to go and meet her husband. If the man dey lock am for house for Naija, dem no born am well make he do the same thing for abroad unless him salary dey really hit the roof. In the abroad, the only way families get ahead is if they both work. So, oga call your wife explain to am say life abroad no easy without partner, and tell her make she no let you enter temptation cos once you don enter the drift, na to dey need deliverance to return home be the next gear. The same sense wey you dey take keep am for house before, use the same sense take follow am talk. God no go shame you o.
ReplyDeleteSo bad of the wife
ReplyDeleteThe most complex B
A case of opportunity meeting with desire and expectations.
ReplyDeleteShe has been complaining - she didn't like the no friends part or boredom in
the marriage.
She was always on her phone - she was living another life vicariously, and which may have involved emotional cheating.
The you moved - opportunity created for her to consumate her desires.
Please don't get involved outside your marriage otherwise you may lack the moral grounds to talk or take some necessary decisions soon
Don't snub her or play scarce because you may return to find she is gone and having the support to strip you of all.
If you are still the financier of your marriage, please don't cut of provision or use it as a bargaining chip. Otherwise, it will be used as an alibi against you.
Call for a meeting. Discuss the whys of her behaviour. Agree on time bound solution steps. Take action and ask to be shown action steps by her in accordance with the agreement.
But don't expect that the no friends policy of your marriage still applies to her whether in your home country or your country of residence. Don't expect the woman you knew before you traveled. The real woman you married has come out of her cocoon.
And if your country is in Europe or is the USA, know the risk you are about to take. A woman who has freed herself from your influence at home can do moreso there with more telling effect.
As said in a previous comment, seek sound legal advice on marital properties and custody rights. Replan and rearrange your estate. Ask if you can still sign marital agreements and do what is still permissible to protect you so you don't return home empty handed.
If you have been on this page regularly, you must have read the post of a woman "loved" as you have done your wife who said she was waiting to get abroad to do what your wife is now doing at home. So your wife will not stop. You must also have read of the post of the wife who locked the shirt of her husband twice within 4months of arriving Abroad to join her husband, and one of the recorded incident was so bad that the police invited her to appear before a judicial officer.
6 months is enough time for a woman to decide on whether to join her husband abroad or not with her children. If she has not, maybe she is no longer interested in the marriage. But let her be the person to say so. If you plan well aand take the proper action before you sit to discuss with her, you can directly ask her for the answer instead of the rigmarole and time wasting.
Meanwhile, have you got your desired job in your country of residence. That appears more important than
She is in love with the outside world compared to the one you gave her,you are too much into her,not giving her enough space in her own world,and most likely she was never in love with you,but because you are taking care of her,she had to adjust to your system.Now she is free and mixed with old friends that advice her to enjoy herself.Lastly,she might have met a new guy that gives her sex more than you gives her..Give her time,she will come to her senses.
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteThis union has 90% packed up.
She took it that being with you is being in cage (bondage). You gave her no freedom. Now she has experienced freedom. Why would she want to go back to being caged?
Just pray she didn't use all the money you made in Nigeria to establish or buy important things with only her name or that of her family members. Else you are back to square one.
Oga your marriage is likely over,your wife is no longer interested in you and wants out,now you have to respect yourself and grant her wish,move on in the abroad that you are,move on and stop killing yourself with thinking and I also feel that there are things that you are not saying also.
ReplyDelete