ADVICE NEEDED
My mother is aged of 55 years old and living alone after the death of my father six years ago.
She so pretty pleasing to the eyes and so vibrant. My difficulty with her is that she has recoiled into her shell, uninterested in social life and rarely attends family functions since the death of our dad
. My elder sis and I are very worried about her especially as she chose to live alone, we have had conversations about her getting remarried or getting someone to live with her, but the responses are one-sided, evasive and with limited answers, like we're forcing unwilling words or actions out of her....
Is there any hope for something more we can do because at one time, I thought resigning my job and moving to her place to start a business would do but the economic situation has made that decision difficult and my sister lives abroad. We worry especially for her safety and It saddens me always .I'm so frustrated, emotional and exhausted as I type this...
Please leave your mum to find healing in the way that best suits her and to find someone else when and if she is ready......There is not much you can do....What if she feels she is betraying your dad by moving on?
There is hope but she needs time to heal....
Try to convince her to attend fucntions more but dont force a man on her....
Leave her to heal pls haba
ReplyDeleteMay God heal her broken heart. She maybe suffering from prolonged grief disorder. Please don't force her do enter into any relationships, encourage her to seek professional help so as to adapt better and coping skills to help her in this trying times.
ReplyDeletePlease leave her alone and face your life
ReplyDeletePlease encourage her to remain active with friends and relatives. Social connections help tremendously to stave off dementia and other degenerative conditions connected to aging. She is a very young woman.
ReplyDeleteDear Poster,
ReplyDeleteSorry about the loss of your dad...May his soul rest in peace...While I understand that you are coming by losing a parent; it's not a straight road for your mom who have known and loved your dad all her life....Maybe this is her way of honoring your dad's memory by not remarrying....Trust me even if she eventually marries as your wish; that man will never fill that void in her heart....
Instead of insisting she remarries, try to see how she doesn't become a recluse and be social enough...I want to guess mama is in the village; you visit her from time to time or encourage a relative to check on mama or invite her to your home to stay with you and play with her grandkids if you do have...It will be a good way to ease off her loneliness....
Resigning from your job will be counterproductive; just be there for mama; call her; buy her things she likes and don't bring up the remarrying conversation again....
She will definitely come around but allow it be on her own terms and when she is ready...
All the best 👍
Can you bring her to your place?
ReplyDeleteCan your sister take her abroad?
It will really help
Is she really unhappy or just not as social as you expect? The point is understanding whether she’s hurting or simply healing quietly. It’s a pity though that this is the way she feels best to cope, but it may not necessarily be the healthiest in the long run.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you can consider having her move in with you or your sibling or even rotating visits between you. That way, there’s a watchful presence around her, so she doesn’t slip into depression unnoticed.
I think you should leave her be, trying to force a man on her isn't cool. She needs time to cool off from her husband's death. Give it time, she will be fine.
ReplyDeleteIt took my younger sister ten years to agree to dating again,we were so worried then, leave her to heal on her own.
ReplyDeleteYou need to reach out to her,through her friends and things that excites her. If she's an active member in a church group. That will also help. Continue to pray and interact with her on the phone or visit.
ReplyDeleteTake her abroad and watch her come back to life
ReplyDeleteExactly. A change of environment will help her healing process. I don’t think she might want to remarry now but a change of environments or a new set of acquaintances will help her.
DeleteSo sorry for your loss please.
Thanks to you both for being such thoughtful children.
ReplyDeleteBut you see, the bond of marriage is a very strong one, especially for those in her age group and older. They see marriage as sacred and reverend it. And to them, marriage doesn't end with death (especially for the women) Marriage is meant for a lifetime, and to them, d demise of the spouse is not the end of the person's life. They believe the spouse is still very much around, but now as a protector et al. They will tell you they feel their presence at certain time and even see them in their dreams. So you can't tell someone who feels these things, to jump into another relationship. Especially when she already has grown ups who don't rely on her to survive. So thinking for another man for her to "replace" your Dad would seem like a 'wicked' and unreasonable thing to do.
The best you can do is to call daily and just gist. Gist about your day, ask about hers, from her day, you can give mild suggestions (with your aim in view. But never broach seeing another man).
Progress into telling her the essence of physical exercise and how activities, attending events and functions enhances it. So, in your discussions, you will always know an activity around her. Encourage her to attend them. So she can live a healthy and long life for you all.
Lastly, you can't tell someone how to or when to stop mourning. It's different way and time for different people.
So keep her in your prayers and pray for God's will to be perfected in her life.
Noting that not all second marriages, end well.
You have understanding. Just to add, there are phases of grief but then individuals can get stuck in a particular phase. There's also the point you raised above.
DeleteI'll only advice on taking small steps in your approach. Get her out of the house, church programs, weekly exercises etc and keep the conversation ongoing and non advisory y non advisory. Keep it 'NORMAL'.
All the best
Dear poster,
DeletePlease read over this comment over and over; again and again.
May the Lord God almighty console Mama in Jesus name. Amen.
What a true LOVE!
What a heartfelt LOVE!
I pray God to heal her perfectly very soon in Jesus name. Amen
@KSB Truth
Don’t listen to the people telling you to leave her be. She’s very likely clinically depressed. The talk should not be about getting her to remarry, but about getting her to reconnect socially. What are the things that used to make her happy, can you encourage her to pick interest in them again, perhaps engage in those things with her. Visit often and taken her out, don’t just stay indoors
ReplyDeleteShe may have to see a psychologist or psychiatrist so she can get on medication for a while.
You cannot do much until she is ready abd willing to move on. You people should let her be for now, just try and get someone for her or ask her to visit you when she can.
ReplyDeleteShe needs people around her so she won't fall into depression.its been 5 years already. If you or your sis can move her with you, I think she'll come out of it. I wish her all the best 🙏
ReplyDeleteLoneliness kill slowly.
ReplyDeleteIf possible bring her over to your place. Or stay with her, anyway you can help please do.
There is time for everything. Your mother is an adult and she understands herself better. If she is reluctant to move on ,let her be.
ReplyDeleteShe has to take her time to heal . When it's time,she will resume social activities.
You can arrange someone to live with her and keep her company.
You have your Mum's interest at heart and that is a very good thing. Life happened but she has to move on. It is clear that your father's death took a toil on her.
ReplyDeleteThis is what I suggest: Kindly pay her a surprise visit one weekend, pack her few clothings and take her over to your place. She really needs it, I wouldn't want anything to happen to that woman who clearly is still mourning her beloved husband's death.
You'll be surprise at how much she really needed that outing. Who knows, she may change her mind about socializing after this exercise.
Once again, thank you for your concern.
Omo Atoju eyin naa loruko Jesu, amin.🙏
But 6 years is long enough to heal. She's depressed and that is why nothing seems interesting to her. Is there a way you can bring her to stay with you or your sister abroad can just invite her over? She thought she is dealing with the death, but she is not, she is depressed. She doesn't know how to move forward or what to do and she doesn't know how to communicate it. Please bring her out of that house and get her close to you.
ReplyDeleteDon’t leave her please poster. Rather quit men talk for now. You can guilt trip her into coming to see your kids or traveling to your sisters place. Is she religious?. Can she coach or teach Sunday school,?. Or babysit?
ReplyDeleteDo not try to force her to remarry, getting someone to stay with her would be a nice idea, if she agrees to it, But in all just make sure you call her every day, do videos calls,and make her feel happy.
ReplyDeletePla take her out of there. Make it about you not about her. Do whatever you can to convince her you need her. So she can come stay with you or your sister.
ReplyDeleteShe should not be alone.
I just lost my Mum after 5yrs of Dad's passing.
Many things happened andbshw was ill a bit.
But plslet her have someone she can live with or you bring her to yours.
Poster if it's possible please bring her to your place, living alone won't do her any good.
ReplyDeleteTake her along with you.
ReplyDeleteThe Most Complex B
You should try and spend time with her, study and monitor her behavior, she might be depressed.
ReplyDeleteChange environment for her and let her socialize, it will help her to heal fast.
I think every part of her home reminds her of your dad. They shared numerous memories in that house and she keeps recollecting and reliving these memories and then starts grieving over and over again. This keeps her at a standstill, making it harder for her to heal.
ReplyDeletePlease look for a way to change her environment and her daily routine. Let her visit you, or a relative she loves or anyone you know that will give her joy. I believe this will help her. Please stop telling her about marriage, that is her own decision to make.
Best wishes to you family.
Pls leave her alone.This is the life she wants and she is enjoying it.lam that kind of person.And l love it.
ReplyDeleteWomen don't remarry easily o. They don't heal fast no matter what. She needs someone around her. Always talk to her morning afternoon and night. Tell her about your plan to resign, stay with her, and start a business where both of you can run it.
ReplyDeleteBe praying for her.
Dear Poster,
ReplyDeleteI understand your worry, but know this and know peace: there's no single rule or dictate on how people should grieve. Grief itself is a stubborn guest that lingers uninvited, reshaping the rooms of the soul long after the funeral is over. Your mother is not a puzzle or a faulty electronic device to be fixed; she’s a woman grieving, in her own quiet language of love and memory. And she has worn it like a second skin for six years, that wouldn’t simply peel off because loved ones wish it away.
Your mother is not broken; she’s simply navigating a fog that language fails. Like a woman quietly keeping vigil with the ghost of her past, where companionship once filled the air. What you see as stubbornness or withdrawal may be her own sacred rhythm of remembrance. Six years may seem long to you, but time grieves differently when the heart is knitted to another. So she's just retreating into a silence that once held someone dear, and it might be her loudest cry.
You’re right to worry, but not everything broken begs fixing the way we know how. This is her way of holding on. But holding on can become a slow undoing. You don’t need to pull her out by force - just keep showing up: in stories, phone calls, laughter, shared memories, unexpected visits, even in teaspoons and gentle nudges toward life. Maybe even invite her over under the guise of helping you, not helping her.
Forget remarrying for now - it only echoes as betrayal in her ears. Aim for reawakening, instead. Give her reasons to live again without needing to betray the love she lost. Depression isn’t loud, sometimes it sits like dust in corners - silence may be her heart whispering for help, without saying it. So she needs presence, not pressure. Pay attention. Love her, but don’t lose yourself while trying to rescue her - your love must become less about fixing and more about simply being there.
Is she not working or doing business? How does she support herself? She doesn't even go to church anymore?
ReplyDelete