ADVICE NEEDED
Good day all. I'll like to drop this here to get advise from BVs.
Pls help, put yourself in my shoes and advise me adequately. Thanks
I've been married for 16 years now. I've never enjoyed this marriage.
From few months into the marriage to 3 years; it was pure/raw domestic violence even with pregnancy. After much intervention from Pastors and my family, it stopped. The emotional abuse set in.
For all this years we've been married, I dare not tell him to help drop the kids in school, else he'll leave the house for 4 - 5 days. Saying he's the man of the house, I should not send him, after all he pays school fees. hubby has never bought me a dress, never celebrated my birthday for me, but I do celebrate his.
Forward to last year, he celebrated his sales girl's birthday and he made sure I prepared the food for the day (something he never did for me).
I have a container at the back of our house where I sell foodstuffs, this morning, he told me I should remove the container from there to anywhere I want, that he's tired of me, and that it's his space..
This is a man that doesn't give me money at all apart from home food.
I'm just confused, my 15 year old daughter said she's also tired of this constant misunderstanding between her parents. She said I should divorce her father.
I'm just confused, my 15 year old daughter said she's also tired of this constant misunderstanding between her parents. She said I should divorce her father.
But my fear is my kids, when we divorce, who will be in custody of the kids.
Pls advice, I'm so depressed, and no joy. Thank you.
Pls advice, I'm so depressed, and no joy. Thank you.
Your fear is about the kids but one of them has told you to go ahead with the divorce!!!!
What are you still doing there?
If there is divorce and you both head to court, he will get the kids cos he is the sole provider....
Now let me ask again...WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING THERE´? He celebrated the salesgirls' birthday? Is she the one replacing you?
Get set to be thrown ot, he has asked you to remove the container right? he will soon ask you to move your things....have a plan B and get set to go!!!
Hmmmmm where is now love??
ReplyDeleteCould this be as a result of misunderstanding abi he is just wicked ? Until I heard the second side of the story..
There is an adage that says' aka Onye wetara ka eji eso ya' when things fall apart and the center cannot hold anymore, don't get it twisted.
Don't let your bad character be a reason behind your own problem.Dont get it twisted.
When they continue to trigger and abuse the man in every way, they will come and say never touch her no matter what, when its the turn of their club members in abusing others, they justify she was triggered, and no one should tell her how to react!
DeleteWhat are you you trying to say.
DeleteNo matter what "There is an adage that says' aka Onye wetara ka eji eso ya' when things fall apart and the center cannot hold anymore, don't get it twisted."
1. The children are they not his children?
2. Must she be the one to cook for the sales girl's birthday food (see finished) and Humiliation.
3.If she is your sister this what you will say right.
4. Why did you go anonymous
5. Dependent, what did you and the husband planned to use the space for.
Madam weather you are the cause of your problem or not it's time to use prayer to scatter the agenda of your enemies after asking God for forgiveness.
Or strategies how you will leave the marriage before he throws and your children away from the house(If you are not ready to pray)
Your comment shows you have a mental case
DeleteYou stayed too long in this marriage. It is obvious you don't have a good relationship with yourself. When someone don't have an identity: they would keep seeing a cat or dog each time they look at the mirror. Reason they stayed in abuse and download everything like hungry man. This explains your case. May direction come. 📌
ReplyDeleteThis is a marriage filled with spite and resentment. Resentment because OPs husband feels he is the sole provider in over 15 years of marriage and his wife is not productive enough. It has brought out full blown resentment. But that doesn't excuse his abuse.
ReplyDeleteIn my column last week, I mentioned that people can only abuse or disrespect you continually with your permission. OP here someone who has never esteemed herself enough to walk away from an abusive marriage.
This is why I encourage women to be productive and be engaged in income generating activities. It broadens your options, deepens your perspective and most importantly gives you value in your own eyes and that of your husband, assuming of course he isn't an idiot.
OP, your narrative is too one sided. You failed to mention what role you may have played for your marriage to get to this point. But that's of little purpose now. The oil in your marriage is gone (even your 15 year old noticed it). It may be time you reappraise your options.
She has something doing na, the man just resents her and there are men like this
DeleteA friend of mine is going through this too, the man has asked her to leave too,
See this man hates his wife, there is absolute nothing that she does that will ever please him. She is too soft just like my friend, always walking on egg shells around him trying to please him at very turn. Men like this like strong wicked women, the one that will be showing them pepper. I am sure he is a complete fool for his girlfriend..
Poster solution is to change am for am, no more playing nice, if he gives you gbas, you give him gbos, but if you no get liver my dear then move out.
Gifty
Marriage seems to the only air Nigerian women breathe, cause you still call him "hubby". How do people maintain feelings for the person that maltreat them and proceed to have more children in that kind of marriage?
ReplyDeletePlease, take your daughter's advice, choosing to stay put is affecting them just that such discussion is difficult for children to have with their parents. They will survive.
Side eyes to the pastors/religiuos leaders and family members who encourage women to remain in bad marriage.
Felicity
You cooked for his sales girl, as in YOU COOKED??? That's off abeg. Why are you still there, isn't your peace of mind important to you?
ReplyDeleteIn all fairness, maybe she had to so as to keep peace. She knows the history of violence and has learned how to cope in her world.
DeleteNa the cooking part really muzz me...Like you cooked like C_O_O_K_E_D...Chai!!
DeleteOmooooo!
ReplyDeleteWTF!
You stayed married despite the rough beginning. You have been enduring thrash just to remain with him.
You celebrate his birthday while he ignores yours?
You were treated with disrespect by cooking food for a sales girl birthday? You did it without complain.
What exactly have you been scared of? Divorce? Because you are afraid to start afresh.
That man doesn't value you nor whatever love and sacrifice you have brought to the marriage. You were simply a means to an end .
Abi, you trapped him with pregnancy?
He already told you to get ready for the final push. You need to get yourself prepared for any eventuality. He might just pack your kids to the village and send you away.
Dear Poster, there is no marriage in heaven. And again marriage is not by force.
ReplyDeletePls as you are moving your container, move out of the house and look for a place for yourself. You deserve some peace and quiet.
Your daughter will follow you, and the other kids, it's a matter of time. If you have a good Judge, he will ask the children depending on their ages who they will go with.
Your husband doesn't love you, and it's about time you prioritise yourself.
You have endured for 16 years and you still want to endure more. Mam, you do not love yourself and you have no self -respect. Look what you have turned yourself to for a basic man, a basic man. You cannot even ask him to pick up his children from school.
ReplyDeleteDid you stockpile anything for this day? Did you follow any of the tips we have shared for women living in your circumstances over the years? I bet in the 16 years you never bought a piece of land or even did an extension on your parent’s home? Nothing for yourself. And you have raised those innocent children showing them a joyless, painful marriage of servitude and ill treatment to the point it sickens them and they desire it no more.
Pick up your Bible and pray the prayers of Psalms. Pray without ceasing for wisdom, direction, and for the evil of your husband to end. He is your enemy. In 16 years you could not end his reign of terror and he is getting ready to do the ultimate you better go hard. Sit there begging God to increase his coast instead of Gods wrath to pour out on him and for his wickedness to end.
Stella,
ReplyDeleteThe facts presented to court will influence who gets custody of children after divorce.
The guiding rule is: the welfare and best interest of the children.
The 15 year old can tell the court who she wants to live with.
The court can order him to provide and meet his financial obligations to his children.
It all depends of the capacity of the lawyers, the capacity/bias of the Judge, and the above all, FACTS of Poster and her husband's case. Cross-examination brings out more than posters tell here on chronicles.
You're a weak woman and you're endangering the lives of your children. Exposing them to rubbish. You're not a lazy person. So pick up your dignity and put your treacherous husband,where he belongs. 🙄🙄
ReplyDeleteDear Poster,
ReplyDeleteMon Dieu!! You mean you cooked the food for your husband's new wife cum Sales girl? Hala Oyiyyeee!! How can you endure so much disrespect for a whole 16 years.....
Until he disgraces you and bundle you out like trash....The way you sound; I doubt you are financially buoyant reason for your hesitation to leave this man.....Hmmm your husband is very callous and wicked....Domestic violence! Emotional abuse which is the worst in my opinion and you are still asking....
God abeg!! You went to cook food for the sales girl...When are you gonna stop being disrespected...Leave that place; it is not healthy for your children and they also have enough trauma to deal with....
All the best in your decision.....
Poster, i am not judging you please, but i am very angry with you.
ReplyDeleteYou see that ur daughter? She is me, and i am her. My parents have been married for 41yrs, but my mom has not enjoyed that marriage for up to a month if u count the number of days she was ever happy. It was from one struggle to another, one abuse to another. There is no abuse and insult that our mom did not take, and she stayed because of us. Guess what? All 7 of us are now adults, damaged and traumatized. We hate men and don’t believe in love. I have been married for 12yrs and i have 2 kids but mentally, my bags are packed, and i am always ready to move, that’s how damaged i am. My younger sister blatantly told me, she can never ever marry any man for love, he has to be rich and be able to offer her good life, else, she isn’t doing. All of my mom’s kids are damaged goods. So if you stay, inevitably, this would be the fate of ur kids. Even you, the abuse will never cease, my mom’s abuse has not stop till date. My parents didn’t have any business getting married in the first place.
You know why i am angry with you? You clearly stated that you have never enjoyed the marriage, yet you had ‘kids’ just like my mom, she was suffering in the marriage, yet had 7 of us For God’s sake, and that is what is making it hard for u ppl to move on.
My advice, please do not bear any more kids with that man, tidy up ur life and plan ur exit. Ur kids will be fine. They would survive and u would also help take care of them from afar.
When you board a wrong train, alight at the earliest station, for the longer you stay on it, the more expensive it would be to return.
I wish you the very best.
Oh dear 🤗🤗🤗
DeleteI love your last line.
DeleteI had one and could tell that endurance will be my middle name.
I stopped at one. I was advised to have more so that I can have all my kids with one man.
But I didn't understand how to open the place again.
He has moved on and had another child with another woman while I Carter for the one we had.
My story would have been same with HIS MOTHER.
She had 6,2 late, they were all her responsibilities. One would think he would learn he would be a better man than his father but Ina!
He wanted me to be like his mother.
A woman from his place even came to the house and was telling me how they even make bed for their husband and concubine, cook for them and give them bathing water.
Be patience,my name is unfortunately not Ndidi.
Ironically, the new woman's name is NDIDAMAKA
Hanty, move. Women mostly use children as excuse to be in toxic and abusive relationships instead of telling us it's loneliness that's making them stay. Get out of there!!! You're not regarded, rated and respected yet you're still there. You're scared of your daughter yet you're exposing her to such toxicity. All the insults have been in-house, prepare and brace yourself for public insults and disrespect. Men don't do anything for women yet women keep dieing trying to be in useless relationships. Move and fast!!! There's more to life than being Mrs.
ReplyDeleteOh my God you hit the nail on the head!
DeleteAll these “I’m staying for the children” is a big lie and you women know it.
You are afraid to step out of your comfort zone.
You are afraid to take charge of your life.
Sometimes y’all are too damn lazy so will rather continue to be with a man who doesn’t do more than pay the rent for a house where you ‘squat’ with him… because surely, you’re not living a full life in that house, you’re a glorified maid…
Poster in your case you are even like a maid to the maid (salesgirl). Imagine cooking for the salesgirl cum mistress?! Fia!!!
For 16 years you have not had peace but you kept giving birth.
You have caused damage to those children’s psyche if you don’t know. Imagine that it is your 15 year old that is begging you to leave. Is this jazz? Did the man jazz you?
If you have sons, they are learning all the wrong ways to treat a woman. Your daughters have subconsciously learned to accept mistreatment from men and people in general.
But it’s not too late to redeem yourself. Show your kids that life is better than this. If your daughter is 15, then hopefully you don’t have any child younger than 5.
Give yourself till the end of this year to gather some money. If you have to take your husbands money, do it. Whatever the man is saying, good or bad, do not respond. Hustle like your life depends on it because it does. Stop spending the money you make on the household for now, save it.
Pay for an apartment somewhere and leave this man on December 31st. You can leave the kids with him, they will not die. Or take them to your parents or siblings for one year. Give yourself that one year to stand on your feet, then go back for your kids. I doubt the man wants to raise the kids anyway, someone that can’t take them to school. So I doubt you have much to worry about regarding custody.
If my mother, a timid village girl, could figure this ish out 30 years ago, you have no excuse poster.
Poster, do not let anybody guilt trip you for past years or today. It is not easy to leave a bad marriage generally. Even men are in bad marriages finding it difficult to leave because of diverse reasons.
ReplyDeleteYou know why you stayed.
Some things happen beyond our comprehension.
Some happen because we let them
Some happen by our contribution.
If you know you did your best.
And you are doing your best in the marriage without success.
And you have decided to leave, plan well cold blooded, then move.
Life will be whether or not we are in a relationship.
This comment at 16.27 is loaded. Poster please read it over and over.
Delete“It’s not easy to leave a bad marriage” is not for 16 years of bullshit!! 5years was more than enough to prepare to leave that marriage both emotionally, mentally and financially.
DeleteThis is really saddening, but the truth is that the root cause was ignored. Domestic violence doesn’t just suddenly show up in marriage, there are always little signs during courtship.
ReplyDeleteAs Stella rightly said, you need to make a Plan B. Start saving and preparing yourself quietly, even if it means you may have to endure things for another year or two. The good thing is that your children are already grown, and they understand the reality of what’s happening. That could really help if it ever comes to custody, especially if they can speak up and say they don’t feel safe with him.
I honestly wouldn’t advise rushing into divorce just yet, but I think separation might be the wake-up call he needs to realize and possibly change.
Poster, to be honest leaving a marriage is never easy but you have to start making plans to. As for your kids, in Nigeria all minor kids remain with their mum. You have nothing to worry. Na money you need to start your life.
ReplyDeleteYou asked if i was in your shoe,what would I do? Well if I were in your shoes, I will leave. Far away self.
ReplyDeleteWhy do women want to kill themselves Untop Marriage, it is a Beautiful thing GOD created but this one no be am U would have left since .So Unfortunate Abeg take Stella Advice leave bico
ReplyDeletei don't know what to say but do as you wish because all the answers to your question is within you.
ReplyDeleteBetter think twice anybody that is advising you to leave while you didn't want to doesn't know your fears .It is quite easy for the man to get irritated if all burden is on them ,what are just
ReplyDeleteYou won’t divorce him
ReplyDeleteHe won’t divorce you
In 5 years after the kids are raised, he will calm down and you’ll do church thanksgiving anniversary
Everyone will celebrate and you’ll cuss out all that suggested divorce
Lies! Big lies! Rather in 5 years she will regret not leaving earlier
Delete@Poster, sorry about this painful situation. From your narration, it seems financial instability has made it easier for this disrespect and abuse to continue for 16 years. Since that container is your only source of income, I suggest you first involve both his and your family to plead with him, just to buy yourself some time. Use that opportunity to quietly find an alternative location for your business. Once you secure a new place for your merchandise, please move out of that house.
ReplyDeleteStaying there will only damage your children emotionally—it will break and harden their fragile conscience in the wrong way. My mum went through similar abuse from my dad for years. He only stopped a few months before his death. Although we, the children, chose to reorient ourselves, the traces of that pain still show up in our lives from time to time. I currently have my mum with me abroad, and because of her experience, she is very firm in not allowing us to tolerate from our spouses what she once tolerated from my father. Those incidences has helped her identify patterns and she is very sensitive to them.
So sad. My parents were always fighting. When my father said he was tired, we begged my mum to go. We stayed with my dad. If I start to talk about what God has done in my mother's life because she left ehn,you'd be amazed. Even though it took a while. My dad on the other hand married a much younger woman. The marriage didn't last up to 2 years. He passed away 4 years ago, a very broken man. You have done your best ma. As far as your hands are clean, delve into the unknown. GOD would see you through
ReplyDeleteThank God for your mum’s life and sorry about your dad. A lot of times walking away from any form of toxicity is where the breakthrough starts.
Delete@Poster
ReplyDeleteDid you use diabolical means to nab the man? The charm may have expired
How did you meet your husband?
Continue you hear, for my area we don go do wedding with oga and sales girl after madam was sent packing infact the sales girl don born boy for oga so I say again continue to dull yourself, continue
ReplyDeleteHello Poster, your story is heavy in my heart. Sixteen years you have carried a load no human should bear: are you truly married or in bondage? You gave youth, strength, and a womb. In return, you received blows, silence, and contempt. Please, endurance is not a virtue when it kills the spirit.
ReplyDeleteThe man you call husband left you long ago. A man who makes his wife serve his mistress has already thrown her away. A man who celebrates another woman before his wife is no husband. That he treats you as furniture, says it all.
Do not say you stay for the children. Are they not watching, seeing, and understudying the poison? In such environments; sons often grow to despise women; while daughters grow to accept pain as love. Is that the way to protect children or are you both betraying them? Your daughter already tells you to go. Don’t you realise she has seen too much?
Logically, it's easy to encourage you to keep appeasing your fears, with fasting and tireless prayers. But after 16 years, even your sorrow knows she needs fresh perspectives. Which is; be at peace first with your spirit so that you don't continue praying amiss.
Your true fear is not even custody. Your fear is the insecurities of stepping into the unknown. But life itself is unknown. Only those who walk out of the burning house see the dawn.
So, gather your courage. Save what you can. Find a roof. Leave with dignity. Do not wait for him to cast you out like old cloth which you have become anyway.
That you are still alive, is a testimony. Which means your story is not done. Show your children that freedom is possible. When a house turns to prison, and love becomes poison, the wise do not stay - they bid their fear goodbye and walk.
Go now. Do not look back. Delay is costly: The longer you tarry, the more expensive the toll on your soul. Life begins the day you leave.
You’ve been enabling the abuse by your husband for too long! Haba! Ho doesn’t celebrate your birthday but you celebrate his. He asked you to prepare food for Salesgirl and you did it! Your mumu don do abeg! This is what happens when a Woman doesn’t have a job see how you have completely lost self respect!
ReplyDelete