Dogs CORNER

One of the worst things any man or woman can experience in marital life is a spouse or partner who does not share the same level of commitment to the relationship or marriage. It is very frustrating and leaves you emotionally hollowed out and empty. 

One person cannot keep carrying the weight of the relationship or marriage for long. Few couples with stable and healthy homes/marriages appreciate what it is they have. They don’t know just how precious that can be. But I tell you, if you have a happy, functional home/marriage, you have nearly everything.

Reading Pastor Tolu Odukoya’s post Stella posted regarding her failed marriage, got me thinking. Sometimes you can do everything right and your marriage will still fail. You can do everything you should and your home may still not work out and not necessarily because you or your spouse aren’t good people. But there are also instances where one partner is actively trying to sabotage every effort the other makes to keep the marriage going. 

Yes, I believe in being intentional about your spouse, I strongly believe in a daily commitment to choosing your spouse over and over again, I know you have to keep wooing your spouse and never to take him or her for granted. Yet, these may still not be enough.

I was with my bestman on the phone yesterday and he confirmed to me what I had suspected for over a year now. His marriage has indeed packed up. He married a year after I did and remained so for five years until a conglomeration of events destroyed his marriage. His story was heartbreaking. I know most marriages have their peculiarities and challenges but there are some things you hear happening in some homes that are so outrageous and beyond the pale and you wonder if it was love that joined that couple together.

My bestman was married to a nollywood ‘Z-list’ actress who thought herself the hottest thing after Stella’s plantain delicacies. A friend to the ‘OEC’ (read that in reverse) lady so you begin to get an idea of the kind of person she is. I know my bestman to be the most God-fearing and dedicated young man I’ve ever met. 

I was surprised years ago why he choose me to be his mentor in our field of business. I’ve lived a pretty rough life so having a ‘church-boy’ as a mentee wasn’t exactly something right up my alley. But he insisted and I embraced him and took everything about him to heart. So gentle and unassuming, tall, soft-spoken and handsome to boot plus very hardworking too, I’d say he is a right thinking woman’s dream. A right thinking woman. But that’s not who he ended up with.

Some of the things he shared with me are so incredulous that if I not that I know he isn’t given to hyperbole, I’d not have believed them. Imagine returning home unexpectedly and seeing another man’s cumstains on your bed.

 Imagine nollywood producers booking sXx sessions with your wife before giving her roles and she tells you that it is unwritten rule of the industry and you signed up for that the day you agreed to marry her plus a thousand other stupid things.

 He was practically in tears as he narrated how his wife was strangling him on the neck and her brothers were assaulting him. That was the day he fled the home for good. His bride price was refunded much later.

See, do all you can to make your home work but at the same time be ready to leave when your spouse makes it untenable for you to stay. Your sanity and wholeness matters. YOU matter! You need to be whole for yourself before you can be whole for others.

 If you have given your marriage your best and your all and your spouse is not meeting you halfway, begin to consider your options. 

Marriage is not everything and frankly I think it is overrated and the argument for it is weak. Staying married at the risk of your sanity, sense of worth, esteem and purpose is the worst disservice you can do to yourself. You Live to Love not Love to Live. If love gets in the way of your living, kill it.

Not every one should marry, not everyone has to be married. I wish society comes to accept and make peace with this.