Hmmmmm....
STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
TTC ISSUES
Dear Stella and BVs my world just Collapsed and i cant stop hiding and crying and pretending its OK..... I need someone to tell me that i will be fine.... I need a tight hug....
My husband and i have been trying to have a baby for the past 11 years and three months...YES; i count because it hurts.
We have been trying and he has acting all supportive but i just found out that he has been busy making a family outside with some other woman....I cannot reveal how i found out but the two kids are his spitting image...
I dont even know how to confront him because i should be happy for him that his dream of becoming a father has been long achieved, I should focus on me getting pregnant now but i am so hurt that i dont know if i want his baby now..If i get angry and walk away, will i find someone else? I will be 34 soon....
I am too broken and too ashamed to discuss this with anyone around me....
If he had told me he could not wait and needed to do this with someone else, i would have had the choice of leaving or give my consent but his going ahead to do this with someone else hurts...
What do i do? Now it looks like I am the one with the problem when the Doctors told us that we are both fine......I am so ashamed and feel like i am not woman enough.......What do i do?Please hug me and tell me that i will be fine..
I took breaks typing this to cry out my eyes.........
wow!!!!
HUGS BV TIGHTLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
So sorry about your current situation. You obviously married at a very young age and you are still young.
ReplyDeleteYou don't have to make up your mind immediately.
And you don't have to feel ashamed, the Drs certified you are both fine.
You will definitely carry your babies.
Sending you lots of ehugs
Poster, your husband loves and respects you, that's why he didn't send you packing. It also depends on the arrangement with his new wife and the kind of person she is.
DeleteYou may need to try outside, it could be you and your husband are not sexually compatible, this was what your husband did
Inukwa love and respect! Tufiakwa!
DeleteAnno~1657: your stream of thoughts is frightening.
DeleteYour husband is wicked, and no you shouldn't be happy that he has achieved his dream of becoming a father. He betrayed you by stepping out, and getting someone else pregnant. How did you find out? You're gonna have to let him know you know. And please, not having kids (yet), doesn't make you less of a woman. If you wanna walk, walk. Don't let the fear of "will I find someone else" hold you back. 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗
ReplyDeleteHugs to you dear. I can only imagine how you feel but then even that hurts. This may not be an easy decision to take but I think you should try someone else. If the doctors say you both are ok but pregnancy has not happened btw you two then maybe you too are not compatible to make babies. You are still quite young. Launch out.
ReplyDeleteI agree with this .pls try someone else while you still can . Don't wait when you can't have any babies due to age . Biologically you're not a match he didn'twaitfor you.you shouldn'ttoo . Stop cryingandmove on fast .
DeleteKai! Let me just give you a big hug!!!
ReplyDeleteI pray that God will come through for you. All will be well.
Aww so sorry about what happened..
ReplyDeleteAll will be well..
Tight bear e-hug 🤗🤗
Confirm
ReplyDeleteThen leave
He has his family
Go find yours
No need to fight him
This!
DeleteHugs
DeleteThis 👆 here.
It's a sad situation for you. Take heart. It looks like you still want to keep trying with him. I will not advice you to leave your marriage. You are the one wearing the shoe and you know how it hurts. You will have to make the decision your self. God will answer your prayers. Cheers
ReplyDeleteThat's a very low blow your husband pulled. It appears not everyone understands what it means to take marital vows and stick by them.
ReplyDeleteDon't confront him yet. Patience and tact is your best asset now. If he is still willing to try for a child with you, keep trying. Be intentional about it too. Study your cycle down to last information. Know when you are ovulating and consistently meet him on those days. Do this repeatedly since the doctors say you both are fine.
Start preparing your exit strategy. Be ruthless about it. Build yourself a very huge treasure chest. You will fall on that should things go south and shit hits the fan.
If after one year of trying and you still aren't pregnant it might just be that you and your husband aren't a perfect match for each other even though you are all okay. In that case, you will let him know you know. Do this in the most calm way you can.
His next choice of words or actions will determine the decision you take. I'll say there's no point standing by who couldn't stand by you. Walk away from the marriage at that point. Because you need to have children too and his sperm isn't doing it for you.
So, a fresh opportunity to go out there and fall on some d*cks presents itself before you. You might just get pregnant.
You didn't betray your marriage, he did. Asking you to not go out there to try and have kids of your own will be diabolical. I'm sorry you had to go through this.
What's this rubbish talk of exit strategy. Can we put an end to the nonsense¡
Delete@poster... first of all, be Certain those are your husband's kids. My friends wife kid looks and walks like I do, but ain't no relation. It happens. Yes, there's or may havebeen a betrayal but it's left to you what you choose to do. However, you need to make him aware of your findings and at the least, the reason for the betrayal from someone who was initially supportive. This is necessary for closure. Any decision after that is left to you. If you can't cope, fine..walk., Else, you work it out. Working it out IS an option. Either way, no kid should bear the consequences of their parents actions.
Peace
Am sorry he broke your trust but am happy you found out now rather than later.Ive heard of someone who found out her husband had a family outside on the day of his funeral.The other woman's kids are all older than her kids cuz it took her a long time to conceive meanwhile the husband was telling her not to worry that he loves her whether she bears him kids or not and he isn't bothered not knowing he had started a family outside.
ReplyDeleteIts up to you to either forgive him and stay or move on with your life.So sorry dear.Sending you E HUGS
Oh dear 😭😭😭
ReplyDeleteGod please give her wisdom to handle this 🙏🙏
His he a good man? Is he kind?
Do u love him, will you ever be genuinely happy around him again?
Do you still want the marriage..?
These are some of the questions you should ask yourself before taking a decision ..
This is life,you may leave and find a better person and have kids with him,it may still not happen but in all,what do you want?..
My friend was married for 6years with several miscarriage, until the wanted a new wife,she left and 8months later,she got marry and have 3kids now, her ex have kids now too,so what was the problem?
God has a reason for everything..
E- hugs 🤗 dear
Medical science recently discovered that not every sperm works for some women. A woman's body can reject the sperm of one man but be fine with that of another. That's why you can have a sexually healthy couple but the man can't get the woman pregnant. But if he meets another woman, he can get her pregnant and if she meets another man, she can get pregnant. The reasons why this happens isn't fully understood yet.
DeleteLol....na wa o. Proof please
DeleteYou will be fine, even if it doesn’t feel that way now. What you’re going through is painful, and you have every right to feel hurt and betrayed.
ReplyDeletePlease remember: this is not your fault, and it doesn’t make you less of a woman. Your husband’s actions were a deep betrayal, and the shame you feel should never have been placed on you.
Right now, don’t rush any decisions. Breathe, rest, and allow yourself to feel. Whether you stay or leave, you will still find happiness. 34 is not the end of your story.
You are strong, you are worthy, and you are not alone. Sending you a tight hug. You will be fine.
Tightest Hug Dear BV.
ReplyDeleteCarry as Hard,Cry as Much as You want .
I am so sorry you were betrayed. You have valid reasons to feel this way but it's not on you.
ReplyDeleteSomethings happen in life that we can't explain.. you just have to speak about it with him so you find closure. No point feeling ashamed about your situation now, there is hope for you.
I can't advise you to leave the marriage since he is standing with you in search. I pray God grants you fruitfulness. Forgive him if he ask you,it will help ease your pain.
I am so sorry you were betrayed. You have valid reasons to feel this way but it's not on you.
ReplyDeleteSomethings happen in life that we can't explain.. you just have to speak about it with him so you find closure. No point feeling ashamed about your situation now, there is hope for you.
I can't advise you to leave the marriage since he is standing with you in search. I pray God grants you fruitfulness. Forgive him if he ask you,it will help ease your pain.
This is serious but pls just leave but let him know that you have known because if you still stay you can't be happy so instead of more pain .please
ReplyDeleteI totally understand how you feel. It really hurts. Trust me you’re going to have your own kids and it won’t take time. C’mon you’re still young naw. Just take things easy. Open up and tell him in a very peaceful manner. He will be broken for a few days but he will bounce back
ReplyDeleteHow I
Hugs to you poster, you'll be fine okay 🤗
ReplyDeleteSo sorry sis......betrayal from the one we love the most, cut deep.🫂
ReplyDeleteOh dear, I'm sending you a warm hug 💕. This is really painful, and it's okay to feel broken. Let the tears flow girl, don't keep it in.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I wouldn't advise drastic decisions while the hurt is still raw. Take a step back and ask yourself some hard questions: Who is this man you've been with for 11 years? How does he treat you? Can you look him in the eye after this? Do you still want to build a family with him?
Your answers will guide you. You deserve so much better than this. May God give you clarity and strength . You will get through this, and you'll be more than fine.
So sorry poster, You should discuss your findings with him, if you still want to continue the marriage, then you will have to accept that your husband is going to be sharing his time with you and his other family, and if you decide to leave him, try someone else and who knows, you may carry your own child.
ReplyDeleteOh! Dear poster take a big hug 🫂
ReplyDeleteSee I promise you that you must birth your own babies, how will it happen I don't know but it must surely come to pass in Jesus name Amen
I'm talking out of experience
Poster don't leave your marriage though you are very hurt but you would fine at the end of the day. You need to keep trying it's well with you.
ReplyDeleteMadam pls get a midwife to help you check if you have polyps . Do you really want to continue with your husband because the moment you tell him you know his secret, he will become relieved and will likely bring the woman home or formalise their union if he hasn't already. You have to start planning for your life, if you have the funds try surrogate, get more skills, build a house and leave him if you can't cope with him. Please dont be harsh on him or the other woman, infertility is hard and not everyone can withstand the shame, pressure and everything that comes with it, but you will surely smile later. Don't be sad please you're still young and men will still come for you if you decide to leave him. 50s and 6os do get married so why not you. Pls take your time to think well, ask yourself if you can deal with a rival and if you dont mind your kids having half siblings because the path is not easy, you can still meet another man and start a fresh family with him. GOD BLESS YOU.
ReplyDeleteTight hug.keep trying.God will give you your own.
ReplyDeleteThe way the world is moving now , not having kids sounds like a blessing not a failure but I digress because this is Nigeria and you are a Nigerian woman.
ReplyDeleteHaving said the above, I believe you and your husband are not compatible hence why even though both are considered medically fine , you can’t seem to convince together.
So my dear think about leaving too ok ? You are 34yrs , still so young ! Leave and go have your own babies
Just say some Nigerian woman wants kids. I'm a Nigerian woman. I don't want kids.
DeleteWarm 🫂
ReplyDeleteposter..it is well with you 💖
Hello Poster,
ReplyDeleteThings like this happen every time, especially if they realise the issue is not with themselves. Should we blame them? No. But can we blame them? Yes! It's better to let someone know you are no longer willing to continue or you are choosing a different approach, than to lead them on while you make detours.
Your ordeal is not about TTC, it’s about consent and betrayal of spousalship. And the most painful part here isn’t even that he has children elsewhere, it’s that he quietly made a life-changing decision that your own body and emotions are central to, and removed your right to choose. One, can be accepted as a mistake. But two? Two is intentional.
It means for 11 years you have carried the shame, the needles, the hospital air, the quiet prayers, in truth, alone. While he carried a secret family. That betrayal or imbalance alone can break a person’s sense of self. No wonder you now feel “not woman enough” – you have been silently competing in a race you were never told had another venue and lane.
One thing is clear, infertility is not a moral failure or a gender verdict. Depending on your belief, you are not less of a woman in any way, because your womb delayed; he is not more of a man because his sperm worked elsewhere.
What this situation exposes is how marriage, in our culture, often treats women as vessels and men as negotiators - society conscripted that. So, he negotiated his own desire for fatherhood; you were never invited into that conversation. Nor were you carried along at any time. Have that conversation with him and test the pulse of his honesty and come to an informed decision.
While at it, the real question now is not "will I find someone else?" Yes, you will find people, not just someone. But "what kind of life do I want to live from here?" A life where you keep shrinking yourself to keep the peace, or a life where your dignity, your mental health, and your desires are allowed to matter as much as anyone’s bloodline. Whatever you choose, start from there.
May our loyalty never be tested at the exact point where we are weakest, or in the moments when we have nothing left to guard ourselves with.
You make 34 sound like 100 years old. Better to leave let him bring the woman back. Except you have nothing doing and are dependent on him.
ReplyDeleteSorry for what you are going through. If you can join NSPPD on YouTube Facebook. Pastor Jerry Eze. Two wome testified today
As he has tried someone else, please try someone else too! Y’all can be wicked together!!!!
ReplyDeleteWicked ass man!
I sincerely feel your pain and confusion. I will never walk in your shoes and my words are based on empathy.
ReplyDeleteI do not like secrets like these, sometimes ppl tell themselves that they are acting in secrecy to spare the other the pain, but you found out and the pain is compounded because he did it all behind your back and living a double life. While you thought you were united, you’ve realized that you were all alone in your pain. The worst part of it all is that others may have known while everyone pretended around you. This is why I don’t like these kind of secrets it makes a fool of one person.
It is up to you if you wish to tell him, I couldn’t but I know that some folks need to process things openly and if you are such a person, there is nothing wrong with that.
Know that as you start getting older and further away from the possibility of bearing your own child, his heart could change at anytime. He could want a full blown divorce or want to live with his other family as one, you must prepare yourself for any eventuality - this is why I would not tell him and operate in stealth. It is important that you secure yourself financially. Do not let sentiments play on you, a practical mind is what you need. Start stockpiling and focus on your economic security, because that is what you will need to stand on if you are replaced. Those children will count as his next of kin too and his heirs, in these things love has nothing to do with it, just facts. His love will be stronger for them than you because they are from his own loins, while there is no great bond binding you too together. This is a painful truth, so act with those facts in mind and focus on ensuring that you are taken care of.
No matter what do not think anything negative about those children, they are completely innocent in all of this, but that doesn’t mean that you act without wisdom. I hope you find the correct direction to take. Also, adultery is an act of spiritual divorce, so if carrying your own child is something you have always desired, then open yourself up to using other sperm while the window of possibility still exists.
Aww sweetheart, so sorry you are going through this difficult moment in your life. It's okay to cry. Know this you have done nothing wrong and it is not your fault. If you can create a child from scratch with clay, you would have but that is reserved for only God to do. So don't blame yourself nor be ashamed of what is not in your power to do.
ReplyDeleteI have come to realise that things will make perfect sense eventually. So I tell you that, everything has purpose and one day you will understand why this was your journey. All the TTC women we read of in the bible conceived at an appointed time and gave birth to destiny children that took care of some peculiar assignments. It could be that, it's just not time yet.
As for your husband only you can decide what you should do with him. To stay or to leave. So sit with God in prayer and also ask yourself what you really want to do.
Nne m , the only advice I have for you is walk away. You are just 34, you will find someone else. Let him know you found out and then walk away. Don't argue, dont fight him, wish him all the best . Remain calm you will be fine trust me...E hugs(If i were in your shoes, this is what I will do) I have a friend he and his wife TTC'ed for 17 years, he almost went the route your husband took , luckily he told me before and i remember yelling at him so bad, this is someone that is 12 years older.I was so angry and i asked so what happens to your wife afterwards? he says all he wanted was just kids. he won't marry the girl and as for his marriage it will end. I said lie lie you have to wait(there is more) ...Like you they both got married early....long and short of the whole thing they have 2 boys today!!!
ReplyDeleteI feel so bad about this. I believe you should ask him outrightly since you know. You need closure. The betrayal is just too much. I'm so sorry
ReplyDeleteSending you e-hugs. Your purpose on earth is not only for bearing children. Life is a mystery.
ReplyDeleteAre you sure those children are his? Whether they are his or not, there is more to life. Don't feel less because you haven't borne him children.
Find your purpose in God and fulfil it. There is more to life.
Married 12 yrs by tomorrow, with no biological child.
The story is long. But it is well.
Dear Poster, leave.. you will find someone else. Even if you don't, you will eventually become happy once again.
ReplyDeleteI know a couple that was married for years and couldn't have a child. They went their separate ways and both remarried. They both have their own families. Maybe you guys are not compatible
Again, no one can tell you whether to walk away or not; that is the choice you must make on your own terms. The truth nobody likes to admit is that walking away sounds noble until you remember how life actually works. Except you are financially independent or have your own means and the mental strength to start all over.
ReplyDeleteHeartbreak is one thing; this type of heartbreak with no money in your pocket is another warfare entirely. And being dependent on whom you plan to leave is even worse. So yes, your pain is valid - but the survival reality is valid too, weigh it.
That’s why I think the obsession with “childbearing at all costs” is part of the trap. You don’t need another prayer point but a life built on stability, care, and real companionship. A partner who sees you, not just your womb and its other flaws. A relationship where you are not judged by your past TTC or blindsided by betrayal.
Children matter, but not everyone will have their own - just as not everyone will be married or stay married. Beyond all that, peace of mind matters more. If you ever choose to stay or walk, it shouldn’t be because everyone is pressuring you to.
It should be because you have accepted your fate without hatred and rest your tears on the altar of God. Or have found — or are ready to seek — love that won’t require you to bleed quietly for another decade.
The baby conversation can come later; healing and finding healthy love should come first. Don't make it an obsession - I know it is easier said.
May the holy spirit give you better counsel.