Earlier in the preceding week, SDK in the IHN wrote something about spouses or partners who are ‘bleeding’ on each other. Now, I don’t know what she saw or read that made her write about that but it hit me and hit me deep.
Today and next Sunday, I’ll paint in very graphical terms what domestic violence does and its effects on children in such a union. Stay with me.
See, I come from a home where domestic violence was the norm.
His uncle did everything possible to get him to change his mind when he heard. Even offering to send him more money. My dad stood his ground.
Peace was an aberration. My Dad constantly beat my mom just about every two weeks. This continued until I turned 19.
It took me and my siblings mustering courage to confront him one day when he was beating my mom and tell him that we had had enough of his beating our mom and the next time it happens, we will equally lay hands on him, before he stopped.
That night, he fled the home. He climbed the fence to leave the compound…the gate was not locked.
Later on at his burial, we got to know that as he left home that night, he called all his siblings to inform them that we, his kids and our mom, his wife, had ganged up to beat him up. That never happened.
A bit of a background about my folks. My dad was a hopeless romantic I’ll say. He married my mom when she was 19 and he was 27 but had started dating her from when she was 12 (WTF?). I saw all the love notes, postcards (that was a thing in the 70s apparently), pictures of exotic dates and all.
A bit of a background about my folks. My dad was a hopeless romantic I’ll say. He married my mom when she was 19 and he was 27 but had started dating her from when she was 12 (WTF?). I saw all the love notes, postcards (that was a thing in the 70s apparently), pictures of exotic dates and all.
They were so in love from every appearance of it and maybe still remained so into the marriage. But something happened that really changed my dad for the worst.
In 1978, my dad’s uncle, the patriarch of our family, who trained my dad in secondary school, had arranged for my dad to go to the United States for his university education. My dad excitedly prepared himself for the trip. He sold off all he could and then went to the village to bid everyone farewell. His own father had married 5 wives so he thought it wise to see them all for one last time before leaving.
In 1978, my dad’s uncle, the patriarch of our family, who trained my dad in secondary school, had arranged for my dad to go to the United States for his university education. My dad excitedly prepared himself for the trip. He sold off all he could and then went to the village to bid everyone farewell. His own father had married 5 wives so he thought it wise to see them all for one last time before leaving.
Grave mistake.
One of the wives, who had never given him food to eat before, implored him to hold on while she rushed to the kitchen to prepare a hearty meal for him to eat before departing.
One of the wives, who had never given him food to eat before, implored him to hold on while she rushed to the kitchen to prepare a hearty meal for him to eat before departing.
My mom, his babe then, subtly tried getting him to refuse the offer but he insisted on eating that food. Hearing my mom say it, it was the blackest amala she had ever seen. My dad ate that meal with so much gusto. He relished it. Licking his fingers like a blood hound that had been starved of flesh for a long while.
A costly mistake.
They (dad and mom) drove to Jos, took a flight from Jos to Lagos and my dad went through all the necessary procedures for boarding. The plan they had was that he’d leave for the US and when he was settled, he’d fly my mom over. Fair enough. He actually bid my mom farewell, kisses, hugs and all and proceeded to board the airplane.
They (dad and mom) drove to Jos, took a flight from Jos to Lagos and my dad went through all the necessary procedures for boarding. The plan they had was that he’d leave for the US and when he was settled, he’d fly my mom over. Fair enough. He actually bid my mom farewell, kisses, hugs and all and proceeded to board the airplane.
It wasn’t long however, my mom saw him disembark from the aircraft. She thought he had forgotten something only for him to walk up to her and say he was not making the journey again. His reason was that he loved her too much to leave.
Her cries and urging that he changed his mind all fell on deaf ears. His mind was made up. That meal he ate in the village was working.
His uncle did everything possible to get him to change his mind when he heard. Even offering to send him more money. My dad stood his ground.
That opportunity was lost.
Dad later got a job in a Bank and had great prospects in the bank until he lost the job inexplicably. That’s when he turned into a monster. He lost his job just 2 weeks after my elder sister was born. Being the eternal spendthrift who always placed the needs of others above his needs and that of his family, dad had little to no savings. Imagine the anger of a broke man.
He beat my mom 3 weeks after my elder sister was born, so violently that my mom lost a tooth and the beatings continued from there for 19 years. Practically every two weeks for 19 years. I am talking about a husband so assaulting a wife that his own hand broke one day as a result of the kind of grievous punch he gave her one time. On a number of occasions, he’d throw all of us out of the house and lock everywhere up. My mom would then look for where we’d sleep. We were 5 kids then. Sometimes with relations, sometimes just any available public space… for days.
I am narrating this now and I am beginning to get flash backs and long bottled up emotions are beginning to come to the surface. Emotions and memories I never knew I still kept within.
He beat my mom 3 weeks after my elder sister was born, so violently that my mom lost a tooth and the beatings continued from there for 19 years. Practically every two weeks for 19 years. I am talking about a husband so assaulting a wife that his own hand broke one day as a result of the kind of grievous punch he gave her one time. On a number of occasions, he’d throw all of us out of the house and lock everywhere up. My mom would then look for where we’d sleep. We were 5 kids then. Sometimes with relations, sometimes just any available public space… for days.
I am narrating this now and I am beginning to get flash backs and long bottled up emotions are beginning to come to the surface. Emotions and memories I never knew I still kept within.
I’ll stop here for now and continue next week. But I’ll leave with this…
husband and wife go always settle or so they say. But what no one ever realises is that the scars and trauma on the kids remain and hunt them for life. The children never remain the same. THIS is the actual reason behind my column today. I’ll dwell on it next week with a big shocker. So help me God.
Suspense kills a story....Abeg finish am next time and dont do two part columns...
Sorry about what you went through...I hope that you find closure by telling your story and i pray that you are not 'Bleeding' on your spouse.
And they call women that leave this kind of marriages, unforgiving and wicked!
ReplyDeleteI was on a live yesterday where men were calling a woman that eventually took revenge on her husband that was beating her back in Nigeria, by collecting 1300 pounds from the man every month, after they relocated abroad or she would leave him!!!!
Y’all have no idea what that man must have done to her for him to agree to pay her 1300 every month instead of leaving and they were calling her wicked! Forgetting that first to do no dey pain!
One of the reasons i don’t read some of these columns suspense too much . Some might even forget the story and lose interest
ReplyDeleteThis story is so heartbreaking children go through a lot in dv cases
I don't think that is the case here. I think I needed the break to catch my breath too. Thanks so much for sharing poster. People really need to know the impact of their actions, good or bad on their children. Looking forward to the next part.
DeleteThe trauma is out of this world, especially on the children who is always witnessing such violence. You also made me remember what I thought was forgotten.
ReplyDeletePls men should always control their emotions for posterity sake.
His hand broke from the kind of beating he was doling out😱
ReplyDeleteThe write up is making me emotional too. But if the harsh truth of what domestic violence is not spoken ppl will continue to think it’s somehow mild violence. The raw truth must be told. I applaud your courage in giving a voice to the voiceless and telling the stories that many survivors and those who lost their lives are incapable of.
This is painfully honest, @DOGgedity - it cuts deep and leaves an open wound. Every line feels heavy with years of silence, the kind of pain that lingers long after the noise has died.
ReplyDeleteIt’s not just the violence that stings, but the quiet madness that festers when love loses its compass. That moment when your father climbed the fence and vanished wasn’t merely an escape; it was a reckoning. A man running from the reflection of his own ruin - from shame, from fate, from a bitterness he couldn’t name, much less control.
Your story unmasks what many families still hide: the generational curse of “man must be feared” parenting, and the complicit silence that feeds it. Each time you retell these memories, I imagine the relief that follows - not just from recalling the past, but from breaking its hold, purging the ghosts that once dictated your peace.
Reading this forces one to pause, not out of pity, but reflection. Because behind every story like this lies another home, still trying to unlearn pain misguided as love, tradition, or discipline with deep resentment outside or within their control
May we never bleed on those who love us now. And may our words keep unsettling those who still believe that peace in a violent home is better than the freedom of walking away.
Innalilahi 🙆😭
ReplyDeleteSo sorry for what you, your mom and siblings went through.
Oh my, this is so emotional 😢. Your mum really tried, chai she is strong.
ReplyDeleteI still wonder why some women don't leave their abusive partner. If you're in an abusive relationship/marriage please leave, it not worth it abeg.
Ahhh, my mouth just open wide.
ReplyDeleteDoggie, so sorry for what you went through growing up. I hope you find closure and heal.
Please complete the story next week. I really want to know why your mum stayed for so long.
Na only you and your papa get time to read this nonsense
ReplyDeleteBack in the days, women see hell and stay put . Thank God that narration is dying off.
ReplyDeleteSorry Doged, this must really be an emotional outlet. Hope you'd feel much better .
That's some kind of chequered childhood. Ndo Dogged
ReplyDeleteDo hold on to the sweet memories.
Trauma that won't go away.
Men can do better.
Xhlrted P
God blessed women with a gift called "a woman"s instint". It never fails most times. If only your dad had listened to your mom and not ate the food, all the pain, trauma, regrets and all you guys went through wouldn't have happened. Men pls If you have a wise level headed woman around you, don't disregard her opinion. There's a reason why God brought her into your life. Listen to her for your own good.
ReplyDeleteGod blessed women with a gift called "a woman"s instint". It never fails most times. If only your dad had listened to your mom and not ate the food, all the pain, trauma, regrets and all you guys went through wouldn't have happened. Men pls If you have a wise level headed woman around you, don't disregard her opinion. There's a reason why God brought her into your life. Listen to her for your own good.
ReplyDeleteSome women dey really chop beating
ReplyDeleteI Wish Your Dad Listen To Your Mum
ReplyDeleteOh Lord I Destroy Every Spirit Of Manipulation 🙏
So Sorry Doggy
Hello iya Boys
I can relate Doggedity
ReplyDeleteWe have almost the same story: the difference is that another woman was involved in my family wahala..
In our case, there was no physical violence, but my father always prioritized his siblings and extended family over his wife and children. To him, his siblings and their children could do no wrong. On that basis, his elder sister gradually turned my mother into her house help. My mother had no voice or say in her own marriage.
ReplyDelete