STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
CONFUSING SITUATION
I just found out a few nights ago that my husband-to-be didn't initiate the idea to marry me. Like he is not really into me.
CONFUSING SITUATION
I just found out a few nights ago that my husband-to-be didn't initiate the idea to marry me. Like he is not really into me.
I checked his phone that night and saw his chats with his best friend, the supposed best friend chatted him that he saw one of his exes at a wedding in South Africa where he resides and my hubby to-be responded with ''if not for family pressure, na who I for like de with be dat''.
Our wedding is for next month, and everything is set.
We have been together for four years and never for once did I suspect him or have a cause to.
In that chat, he was professing love for his ex and telling his best friend how he has missed her and everything about her.
How he enjoyed every time and moment with her, I checked his phone further and saw him and the supposed ex nxdes in Whatsapp.
I am losing it, please help me.
I went to his house for the weekend on a Saturday, and on Sunday night I saw the message after we returned from an outing.
He left for work early the next day and i packed my things and left his place...Hhe does not know that i know about his feelings for his ex....
He left for work early the next day and i packed my things and left his place...Hhe does not know that i know about his feelings for his ex....
He does not know why i left and i have not spoken to him or messaged him on whatsapp since then
He has been calling me since but I am not taking his calls. I can't concentrate on anything at all and its affecting my day Job.
What should I do? Cancel or continue with the marriage? My body is shaking.
He has been calling me since but I am not taking his calls. I can't concentrate on anything at all and its affecting my day Job.
What should I do? Cancel or continue with the marriage? My body is shaking.
You have not made any memories with him in four years that will make him forget his ex?You snooped so you have to deal with the consequences of snooping...Jus pretend that you did not see anything on his phone oooooo
If you feel you cannot marry him again, then tell him why and call off the wedding.
Dear poster.... so sorry that this is happening before your wedding.
ReplyDeleteHow do you feel about him? You never shared your feelings about him and whether he is someone you really love?
If you proceed with the wedding and say nothing - bitterness will breed and will affect your marriage.
It may be difficult but it is probably best to have a direct discussion with him about it - particularly as you have been provided with a good reason to call of the wedding.
You can confront him directly with what you saw on his phone or start gradually by just having a 'safe space/no judgment discussion before we say I do - 'marriage is a life long contract - are we sure this is what we really want?' marriage discussion.
You can ask him why he loves you, why he has chosen to marry you etc and sharing your own answers to these questions too and then asking him if there are any unresolved feelings or relationships that he has etc
Ultimately I pray God helps you.
Better a broken engagement than a broken marriage.
Blessings
He is going with you, hold that, attract him and his attention back to you, easy not at all, but the home and atmosphere you create can make or mar the relationship, nothing dey outside, all of them get exes, the next person's hidden secret maybe worse than this, just put yourself together and continue with your life abeg,
Delete
DeleteThe only person I would like to advise now is your fiancé.
The best thing for him is to leave that family pressure and go for the lady he loves.
As for you, poster, I will tell you from my personal experience, forget that marriage and move on. You have your answer and reality staring at you. You can either walk away, find another man and live peacefully or enter that marriage and live a lonely life. The choice is yours.
You are not a bad person, and your fiancé is not a bad person. You two are just good people who could end up in a loveless marriage.
Your fiancé is about to make the same mistake I made.
The truth is that most ladies will seek the truth, just like you did when you saw his chats, but will refuse to accept it. You will convince yourself and go ahead with the marriage anyway.
In summary, walk away for your peace.
17:58, glad you focused on the family pressure piece in your comment. That clearly means he is not acting of his own free will and only succumbing to the desires of others. Who wants to marry someone who is not even doing so of their own free mind. The man is saying he is being forced by others to make the decision he is making. That is enough for most folks to walk. Marriage should always be of the person's own volition not through coercion and force. And for the the person who mentioned Jacob, he worked 14 years for what he desired, even when something else was forced on him. So, if a man really wants you no force is necessary, he will labour for free for 14 years just to have you.
DeleteThere's no need keeping him in suspense, as e dey hot now, tell him everything, cancel the wedding. If possible, cry, mourn and move on.
ReplyDeleteIt's better than being in a miserable marriage. GOD is still saying something!
Tell him what you saw and move on with your life!
ReplyDeleteYou are about to walk into a miserable life and God just gave u a reason not to!
A lot of people have who they would have loved to marry but are happily married to who they are married; or at the least are very dutiful and loyal in marriage.
ReplyDeleteHow has your relationship been. Judge by that; not by his longings. If we all know the longings of our partners, very few will be married or remain married.
If it were possible, somebody's longing for the Sun as a lamp would have been longed granted. See?
Selah
Do not take this advice, poster.
DeleteI will advise you watch this movie(series) POWER. Leave the drug story and concentrate on the love triangle among James St Patrick (GHOST) , Angela and Tasha.
That's what your marriage to him will be like when that Lady shows up or live close by in the future.
What rubbish are you talking about?
DeleteThat must be so hard to deal with. Nobody man or woman on the cusp of entering a marriage would be happy reading such things. Personally, I know what I would do but it is not my place to put my personality on you. It is important for you to sit and think this through. Speak to an elder in the family, your mother or favourite aunt, or if you prefer, a spiritual leader. A broken engagement is better than a broken marriage and a man whose heart still longs for the past can never clearly see his present. Being first place in a lesser man's heart is better than being second place in a greater man's reality. Decide what kind of reality you wish to live in. Most of all, thank God for the revelation, the only reason you saw it is because God loves you.
ReplyDeleteWith the way you are feeling now (according to your description) it is better to tell your fiance your discovery because if you pretend and enter continue this relationship into marriage you are building on bitterness and this will not be good for you.
ReplyDeleteEngagement broken is better than a marriage with divorce - I wish you all the best.
Sorry oo poster. But how did you meet him? A family introduction? What happened between him and his ex?
ReplyDeleteGoing into a loveless marriage; I don't know how that could turn out.
Why do you want to call it off? Shove that thought aside nah , dey there dey dull yourself till you push him to go back to his ex then you will claim he breaks your heart.
ReplyDeletePlease for the sake of your peace of mind, and to avoid a follow up chronicle after this one, call off the wedding, however, let him know why. Be completely honest.
ReplyDeleteThe pain you're feeling now is just a snippet to what you'll feel later if you do not do the right thing.
My two pence advice.
This one is strong.
ReplyDeleteThey say love is not enough for marriage, which is absolutely true.
But a man who is not completely into you before marriage and already cheating (yes the WhatsApp thing with him and the ex is cheating. Probably if she were in naija, they would have done more) is a red flag ooo.
What will people say and to cover shame has led many into regrettable marriages, that's dealing with the in every aspect of life.
Please think deeply about this and pray fervently too.
Or could it be God warning you in advance?
One of the worst things a woman could do to herself is to marry a man who would rather be with someone else but for some avoidable circumstances.
ReplyDeleteA man should marry you because he’s in love with you and can’t imagine life without you. If you marry him, just be prepared for shege promax. Those who claimed they were in love sef sometimes fall out of love.
You need to keep hoping and praying that the ex should get married quickly or they could get back together. He can even meet someone else who reminds him of his ex and dump you to go be with her.
Personally, I would never marry a man who I know prefers another woman.
Trust is broken, you will always Snoop and wonder if you are truly enough, if you are not careful, you may start to question your worth,
ReplyDeletePersonally I think this is a sign that you should know what you are getting yourself into, I am glad you found out before tying the knot.
Now I can't tell you wether to call it off or not, I hope you make the right decision. Speak to him about it sha
Godspeed!!!
Guys do you remember one chronicle many years ago, the woman is a doctor and wanted to perform a surgery on her husband without his consent, to make him unable to have children cuz she snooped and found out his people were encouraging him to marry another wife, cuz she had one boy and girls abi she didn't have any boy I can't remember. Many people advised her to divorce him instead of the surgery, I think she later did cuz she sent in another chronicle
The reason for this epistle is that I feel bad that I adviced her to divorce him, I don't know why, whenever I remember that chronicle I always regret!! May be she should have talked things through with him, wo what do I know!!
I'll advise you from the perspective of a man.
ReplyDeleteDon't call off the wedding just yet. Yes, the truth is his heart is with his ex and it will always be with her. You might have to entertain or be willing to live under that shadow for the duration of your marriage. I won't say it is an indictment on you that all these years his heart still yearns for her. The heart wants what it wants after all. So I'm not sure there's anything you could have done to change that. But don't call it off just yet.
This isn't really the big deal you are making it out to be. Most guys don't marry the woman their hearts actually yearn for. But somehow, they still put in the effort to make their marriage work.
It is good you aren't picking his calls for now. He needs to get his emotions sorted out. Tell him you aren't sure you are who he needs in his life and don't say anything beyond that. Let him make of that what he will and strive to prove you wrong.
Every man has something unique in a particular ex that he misses. But it takes the mature man to keep that in the past and focus on the woman before him right now. Some men take a while to get to this stage. Some never do.
So let him prove to you he is damn sure he wants to take this walk and work of love and life with you. The conviction needs to come from him. You have the right to call it off if you notice any further sign of equivocation from him. You will never be able to replace his ex in his heart that's for certain but that doesn't mean he won't be a good husband to you. Know this and make peace with it.
Thank you
DeleteI won't advice you break off your engagement just yet,first he's not cheating,we all have needs and wants..
Different people comes into our lives and has affected it in various ways..
Why not talk to first this conversation will determine if the marriage will work or not..
Tell him what you saw and how it has affect your relationship..
Letting go is not easy for some people..
Talk to him
I've been looking forward to your comment bro..poster please don't call it off..but pls confront him ASAP..
DeleteSister
ReplyDeleteI know you would marry him sha.
Remember the story of Racheal and Leah, Jacob didn’t like Leah even after 10 boys.
She was compensated in death and by God.
Her reward was in heaven.
Men do not fall in love after marriage. They never fall in love after marriage.
Women can fall in love men do not.
If you marry this man, you’re his second option. He will always feel like the best one got away.
My sister , let this go.
I broke my engagement after I found out that my fiancé was asking God for another type of woman.
I bled and cried and God gave me my husband. And I am glad I waited.
Sister leave this man, if you can.
If you can’t, I wish you well.
Regards.
"Jacob didn’t like Leah even after 10 boys."
DeleteWhich Bible says?
Men fall in love after marriage
Deleteposter this is God saving you from future trouble
ReplyDeleteA lot of people marry who they don't truly want because of time is going, family pressure, lack of money, or situations beyond their control and then starts frustrating them in marriage..a lot of wolves and husbands are in the shoes you would have mistakenly stepped in.
ReplyDeleteYou deserve to be with a man who knows you are the best thing . A man who even in your absence sing your praises to high heavens and would tell his friends how he lucked out having you in his life..
I remember many years ago I was in the university, I 'exed' a guy who chased me for four years because he told me to increase my height. I am 5'8(he was also 5'8 oo) to think he had earlier talked about how his friend's girl was tall and he said it with so much admiration. He was crazy about really tall women.
And I was happy I ignored him for four years before I agreed when I found out he would never change, because the first day he asked me out he told me 'I used to tell God the lady I marry will be tall'. I was like look at this one do you know what me I told God?
To think this was someone I settled for because he accepted no sex out of all the guys who chased me, else I wouldn't even be ordinary acquaintance to him if they dashed me money on top...four years later I thought he would have matured and have sense, so I said yes but he jokingly yes jokingly told me to increase my height, I just ghosted him.
He could only reach my friends , his whole family were begging asking what he did but I ignored because I knew he wasn't the one for me so there was no way they would convince me to take him back even tho we were already talking marriage .
I knew then that My God-given man would be in awe of God's Mercy's and favor upon his life by allowing him be my husband and me too being his wife...
Everyone is settled now. I later heard from a mutual friend he got married I think in his 30s and I was like his wife must be tall like over 6 ft and the friend told me she was 5'4 even with heels and on the day of the wedding he looked like he was acting embarrassed
I felt sorry for her because I know he settled and deep down he is not satisfied with her.
A lot of times people think it is by praying alone and dreams that God reveals your true spouse and who you should marry .See ehn, God works in mystery ways, sometimes he makes the person expose himself through things they jokingly say to you, or through their actions or situations..that man is not your husband ...his heart is with someone else. Why are you marrying a man whose heart is with another woman?
He didn't even delete their pictures to savor the memories every now and then then where is he going to keep the memories he creates with you?
May God direct you...
*a lot of wives (not wolves) and husbands..
DeletePoster you deserve to be desired by the one you call your own....
Please call off that wedding. Like Stella said 4 years is enough for him to be deeply into you and he hasn't, so what does that tell you? Please and please, God has shown you signs and if you go ahead you'll write more chronicles
ReplyDeletePoster runn!!!
ReplyDeleteDo you love him?is he a good man? And is not possible for him and his ex to come back together?Marry him.Don't his past spoil a good thing.Create your own memories with him..
ReplyDeleteHis past you say? Guy is still fantasising his past into his present.
DeletePoster, the guy you're getting married to is a narcissist. They do not love and cannot love anyone even his ex. You just got a revelation of who he is and what your experience will be in marriage. It's best you quit this or you'll live to regret the marriage. A broken engagement is better than a miserable marriage and divorce.
ReplyDeleteDon’t say anything
ReplyDeleteJust move on
Something must have made you snoop. You never trusted him in the first place. Pele dear.
ReplyDeleteDo you know what it means to be with a man who longs for someone else???
ReplyDeleteNothing you do will be it. You will struggle to impress him. for how long?
Tell him what you saw and ask him to come clean with you. Nothing wrong with breaking off this engagement. That lady Will always be in the shadows.
Ooo dear Me!!
ReplyDeleteMarrying you due to family pressure? Kai !!
Hmmmm, pls you guys need to talk, let him know !! Dont marry out of pity or compulsion pls .