STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
BETRAYED BY SPOUSE
Good day Stella,
I need an honest outside perspective because I’m genuinely questioning the kind of marriage I entered..
Today, my husband came to me complaining about his brother, who stays with us. While he was complaining about his brother, I told him that my own major issue with his brother is how selfish and inconsiderate he is.
For example, I can make a pot of food and put three pieces of meat in it because there are three of us. This man will go to the pot, see the three pieces of meat meant for the three of us, take two and leave just one for the remaining person. I’ll make three plates of moi moi and he’ll see that there are only three portions and take two, leaving one.
He goes to my pot of food without my permission. He has also entered my bedroom without informing me because my husband asked him to call an electrician concerning something in my room.
There were times when things were financially difficult for us. I would use my own money to cook and carefully plan our meals, while he contributed nothing, yet he would still help himself to the food and scatter my meal plans.
There was even a day I bought two bottles of malt and put them in the fridge. He took one. When I checked the fridge that night and saw that only one was left, I didn't complain. I simply thought I would drink the remaining one the next day. Do you know that when I went back, he had taken the last one too?
I could go on and on.
What makes it more annoying is that whenever he buys drinks for himself, he keeps them in his room. He even hides eggs in his room. So he clearly understands the concept of keeping things for himself, but when it comes to things in the shared space, he feels entitled to take whatever he wants.
I have bottled and endured all of this for a long time because I didn't want unnecessary family drama. So when my husband came to me today complaining about his brother, I saw it as an opportunity to finally tell him how I felt. I wasn't randomly attacking his brother or looking for an issue. I was responding to a conversation my husband himself started.
My husband then called his mother to complain about his brother. The problem is that while complaining to his mother, he also told her about MY complaints.
That is what has really upset me.
I was talking to my husband privately. I wasn't talking to his mother, and I never gave him permission to repeat my complaints to her. Now his mother has said that his brother will leave the house so I can “focus” and “leave long talk” alone.
And honestly, I don't even care what she thinks or who she tells. What bothers me is that my husband threw me under the bus by taking something I told him privately and putting it into a conversation with his mother.
It has now made me feel like I can't safely tell my husband anything concerning his family because whatever I say may eventually get back to them. This is also why I don't want to tell him the gender of our baby. I know the gender, but I genuinely believe that if I tell him, he'll tell everyone, and I want nobody to know.
This isn't the first thing that has made me question my marriage. There have been other incidents that have seriously affected my trust in him, and lately I keep finding myself thinking about whether I actually want to remain married or have more children with him.
I want honest opinions. Am I wrong for feeling betrayed by this? Is it unreasonable to expect your spouse to keep something you tell them privately between the two of you, especially when you were not asking them to involve their family? And at what point does a pattern of broken boundaries and loss of trust become a valid reason to walk away from a marriage?
Today, my husband came to me complaining about his brother, who stays with us. While he was complaining about his brother, I told him that my own major issue with his brother is how selfish and inconsiderate he is.
For example, I can make a pot of food and put three pieces of meat in it because there are three of us. This man will go to the pot, see the three pieces of meat meant for the three of us, take two and leave just one for the remaining person. I’ll make three plates of moi moi and he’ll see that there are only three portions and take two, leaving one.
He goes to my pot of food without my permission. He has also entered my bedroom without informing me because my husband asked him to call an electrician concerning something in my room.
There were times when things were financially difficult for us. I would use my own money to cook and carefully plan our meals, while he contributed nothing, yet he would still help himself to the food and scatter my meal plans.
There was even a day I bought two bottles of malt and put them in the fridge. He took one. When I checked the fridge that night and saw that only one was left, I didn't complain. I simply thought I would drink the remaining one the next day. Do you know that when I went back, he had taken the last one too?
I could go on and on.
What makes it more annoying is that whenever he buys drinks for himself, he keeps them in his room. He even hides eggs in his room. So he clearly understands the concept of keeping things for himself, but when it comes to things in the shared space, he feels entitled to take whatever he wants.
I have bottled and endured all of this for a long time because I didn't want unnecessary family drama. So when my husband came to me today complaining about his brother, I saw it as an opportunity to finally tell him how I felt. I wasn't randomly attacking his brother or looking for an issue. I was responding to a conversation my husband himself started.
My husband then called his mother to complain about his brother. The problem is that while complaining to his mother, he also told her about MY complaints.
That is what has really upset me.
I was talking to my husband privately. I wasn't talking to his mother, and I never gave him permission to repeat my complaints to her. Now his mother has said that his brother will leave the house so I can “focus” and “leave long talk” alone.
And honestly, I don't even care what she thinks or who she tells. What bothers me is that my husband threw me under the bus by taking something I told him privately and putting it into a conversation with his mother.
It has now made me feel like I can't safely tell my husband anything concerning his family because whatever I say may eventually get back to them. This is also why I don't want to tell him the gender of our baby. I know the gender, but I genuinely believe that if I tell him, he'll tell everyone, and I want nobody to know.
This isn't the first thing that has made me question my marriage. There have been other incidents that have seriously affected my trust in him, and lately I keep finding myself thinking about whether I actually want to remain married or have more children with him.
I want honest opinions. Am I wrong for feeling betrayed by this? Is it unreasonable to expect your spouse to keep something you tell them privately between the two of you, especially when you were not asking them to involve their family? And at what point does a pattern of broken boundaries and loss of trust become a valid reason to walk away from a marriage?
I dont think he betrayed you, he just used your case to show the seriousness of the matter.. I am sure he did not see it how you are seeing it oh.....
Since it is not the first time and looks like he has basket mouth, then stop entrusting him with info and just be doing hmmm hmmm hmmm when he is talking.....
Or you warn him not to repeat it when you tell him......
My hubby is always gistng for hours with his sister and i have to beg him not to include our discussions in their gists.....LOL
Please make sure you let your husband know what he has done with this behaviour.....He may not agree but dont tell him anything again and make sure also that you let him know his action has broken your trust and that you will never confide in him again......
Dont let this escalate.
I stopped reading at a point. Your husband should have acted all along. This is so wicked and irresponsible from your brother-in-law. Such a person can kill without remorse.
ReplyDeleteYour husband mentioning you to his mother is not something you should be upset about. He needed to buttress his points with evidence. Such a brother I would not tolerate if it were me. It's not like he is contributing to the house. He is a parasite. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
©️ TEEJAY
Kill without remorse ke😂😂😂
DeleteE take ka ihe a very serious
Chineke nnam
Gifty,
DeleteImagine drinking one of the malts you saw it was just two and you weren't the one who kept it, and coming back the next day to take the second one. Haba mana. Where is the conscience in all of this? But he can hide his own very well in his room ba.
©️ TEEJAY
Kill ke?
DeleteTeeejaaayyyy 😂😂😂
No na nna.
He’s just a selfish and myopic person
I mean someone that hides egg and drinks in his own room in a SHARED house is just foolish.
If Na me, one day I go collect the egg boil and take his drink lol
Killing here is metaphorical. Without remorse in the sentence means, he has no conscience on his act or whatever action he will display..
Delete©️ TEEJAY
You can revel in such social matters like ds and Nnamdi Kanu. But please dont delve into economic issues where you are ignorant and have zero knowledge.
DeleteYour own dey your body. You sabi complain!!
ReplyDeleteHow old is this brother inlaw of yours and what does he do?
Why make 3 wraps of moi moi? No Xtra at all?
A full pot and you put just 3 pieces of meat? I know times are hard and since your brother inlaw lives with you, your husband should provide more money then.
But you come off as someone that is selfish with food.
Not telling him the gender of your baby is not right at all.
Your husband sent an electrician to the house to fix something in your room, how did you expect the work to get done without your brother Inlaw entering the room? What if he went to check if he could fix it?
So your brother inlaw needs your permission to take food? God abeg o. You are a nag.
You dey really ment for this comment @sluttychic e be like you drink some ogogoro this hot afternoon
DeleteYes slutty, he needs permission to take food and enter her bedroom, he does!!
DeleteEven my own brother don't go to my pot if they come to my house unless I ask them to, that's how we were raised.
I can never go to someone's house, be it my friend or relative, enter their bedroom without permission or take anything from their kitchen without being asked to
While I understand your point about blaming the woman, I do believe the brother-in-law's actions are unpleasant. Yes, I agree that the poster has an attitudinal problem, but we should also look at the disrespect from the young man. If he can behave like that even while his brother is still with them, imagine what he would do when he is alone with his brother's wife. Let's say the husband travels for a month, don't you think this young man may go overboard? What about the aspect of him buying things for himself and hiding them, but comfortably taking what doesn't belong to him?
DeleteJust like I said, the poster has her own attitude as well. Why count the number of people when making a meal or selecting protein? It shows the kind of person you are. You come across as someone who could be controlling your husband as well. Tell me, which husband will eat just one piece of protein in his house in a meal cooked by his wife? My mom would never do that. I grew up seeing up to three proteins in my father's meal. So why calculate the protein? What if your husband needs extra? Even making just three moimoi isn't good as well. Will one be enough for your husband to start with? I don't want to believe you could be the type that would treat a maid badly and ration small portions of food to them.
©️ TEEJAY
SluttyChic, you sounded as if you have personal issues with the writer. 3 pieces of meat might be a metaphor and if they can only avoid 3 pieces, then it is 3 pieces. Not all families can afford meat. If you read her story again, she wasn't complaining to her husband before now, she opened up because her husband complained. Except the brother-in-law is 5 years old, he should know that he cannot drink the 2 bottles of Malt without caring about whoever bought it. Did you read where she said the guy hides things in his own room? Meaning they all know what they are doing. There are private people, who do not want anyone in their pot of food or private places. If she is at home, when the handyman came, he would have asked her to show the handyman the repairs or ask her if it is okay to go in. A bedroom should be a sanctuary for couples. Yes, not all, but whoever sees it that way. I didn't see her concerns as being selfish, but she sounded like someone who loves her space and privacy. Poster, do not make your husband a stranger, if you don't like the way he talks, tell him. If he can't change, then learn what you can share with him and if you can't live with it, then walk away! People should see their partners as their peace, a resting place, and a home. Why do we marry people we are scared to discuss our concerns with?
DeleteAre you for real? My mouth is open
DeleteSlutty did we read the same choncles, she was only giving instance with the three meat and moi moi, and yes the brother in law don't have any right to enter her kitchen without her consent,, and he is also supposed to knock before he enters her room, haba sometimes you just rush to type and end up typing off key..
DeleteHey God, I’ve been holding back oh because what is this nonsense? So that what? Men can pick you and call you wife material? Who do you this thing abeg? If the person never die, abeg go beg am!
DeleteYou’re wrong!
DeleteVery wrong!
She’s not a nag
You are like that BIL and I hope you always meet your match
Gifty, I've never experienced taking permission to get food o.
DeleteTee, the poster is full of it. Her brother inlaw is no doubt inconsiderate, but the concentration on food just feels somehow.
15:57, no personal issues with her at all.
16:54, nor vex ma.
Poster pls ignore this person, she is very high on colos. Your brother inlaw has no right taking without permission, what if you were expecting a guest.
DeleteDon't take it out on your husband, he might not have the wisdom to be diplomatic, always filter what you tell him and don't consider leaving your marriage for this. It's not worth it
sluttychic, 🤦
DeleteSluttychick you are smart.....
DeleteCooked up stories to paint your BIL bad. If you like leave your marriage - whats our biz? Infact i advise you to leave it. A wife's siblings or parents can live comfortably in the house but not the husband's siblings or parents. Very selfish and wicked wives, most od you. I rest my case.
Delete@poster, I didn't see any betrayal form the part of your husband, but telling him how you feel about him not keeping what you said to himself should be your starting point. Tell him how you feel! Your brother in-law is a sucker, and should be told to respect boundary and know his place. All in all, e never reach reason to walk away from your marriage. Shalom
ReplyDeleteI don't get it. You couldn't call your brother-in-law to order. Now that his mother is handling it. You run here to complain.
ReplyDeleteWhats the colour of your problem?
He was just buttressing his point because asking your sibling to leave your house is very serious in Nigeria.
When telling him anything, be clear on what's confidential and what can be shared.
Anyway I would have called my brother in law to tell him what I find distasteful so that I can enjoy his stay and not bear grudges. He can give his feedback to you too.
If any of my siblings send me out, I ll feel mortally wounded. Na cow dem go use come beg me o before I gree.
Na wa oh
DeleteSo you can’t read between the lines of the mothers comment
ReplyDeleteYour wahala is too much abeg, I just want to believe it's the pregnancy cuz I don't think your hubby threw you under the bus, you Are making a mountain out of a molehill
Your brother in law is a douchebag and you are lucky your hubby is on your side and your mil have asked that he leaves your place, it goes to show that they know the type of brother/son they have, the most important thing is that he will leave your house.
Nne relax abeg, safe delivery
She isn’t lucky. Her husband being on her side is the barest minimum I expect. Haaa.
DeletePoster your husband shouldn’t have done what he did, but it’s not enough to think about leaving him , not having more babies etc it’s something I would call a low level issue. Like you would just tell him that hey babe, I’m not happy you told your mom this thing. It wasn’t an issue for me. Etc etc. aha then be more careful going forward.
If it’s me, I would call my BIL and apologize for not speaking to him about any issues you had , apologize he had to find out that way. Simple. You can send him a text . But calling would give you the opportunity to find out what exactly your husband said
Dear Poster,When it comes to Inlaws,be extremely careful.
ReplyDeleteDo not " Looseguard" even when gisting with your husband concerning his family members,he will tell them not necessarily because he wanted to throw you under the bus but simply because they are HIS family members,he is not a Bad Man,he does not mean you bad but simply because they are his family,Know this and have peace.
Do you not " gist" with your Siblings,Parents?
Also immediately you noticed this inconsiderate acts from your inlaw,you should have addressed it with him especially during your financial issue and going forward you are 3 in the house,try and make extra provision,you can ask by asking Dear Hubby for extra cash.
Kpele Dear,You see people like your inlaw,they can collect and collect without giving. A man hiding edibles in his room, funny.....
Your husband didn’t do anything out of the ordinary he just emphasized the wrong behavior of his Brother to his Mum quoting your own experiences too abeg let your Brother in law go and don’t let them blackmail you! Keeping the sex of the baby away from your Husband is wrong!
ReplyDeletehusband is wrong pls
DeleteOP, I get the sense that you have made up your mind to leave your marriage but you are just looking for what to grasp to justify it.
ReplyDeleteBreak of trust and broken boundaries? Madam you no get issues be dat. Your husband did the right thing and he handled it in the best way by sharing the details you gave him with his mom. To avoid generating bad blood with his brother, he approached their mom so that the blow will be dampened. Is your husband's younger brother not leaving? Isn't that a good thing?
Your husband doesn't need your permission to discuss whatever he wants. Get that into your head now. But if the streets are calling you, why not get ready to dance to the beats?
Is that how you handle your marriage
DeletePoster do you think the mother would have taken him serious if he did not talk about your own? Be happy that the leech will soon leave your house ,like if you’re a struggling family, the only relative you can make sacrifices for should be the one that is worth it not a selfish person. I like the fact that your husband narrated your own experiences, whatever way the family wants to see it GOOD FOR THEM. At least your can finally manage your life the way you want.
ReplyDeleteIt seems you are idle that is why you have so much time for your brother inlaw,madam learn to overlook certain things like food when it comes to in-laws,instead of complaining about how your brother in law eats two pieces of meat and all what not charge or bill your husband for extra pieces of meat and malt for the family, I charge my husband anytime his people are around and he complies, this strain your causing now may it not come back to hunt you in future.
ReplyDeleteI just want to commend your writing prowess ma. I enjoyed the write up. So soothing. That your brother in law never talk wetin dey do am sha. If shamelessness has a face.
ReplyDeleteWhat your husband did is not good
ReplyDeleteBut I’m glad the brother wil now leave
Your problem is that you want others to see you as a good person. So if you husband hadn't spoken up you would have kept quiet and endured the bad behaviour?
ReplyDeleteWhat’s wrong with that
DeleteA lot is wrong with that anon
DeleteIt will make the poster turn into a loathsome bitter person, I am glad the bro is leaving because I can already sense obi ufu in this poster
Slutty Chick, you seem to have missed the point or just want to miss it. Someone who can buy drinks and eggs for himself is not a "small boy" and why is he hiding if he too is not selfish. Why not put it out for everyone to help themselves especially given that all the basics are provided for him. Social /Situational intelligence and social home etiquette are missing in the young mans life. You are 3 in the house and there are only 3 of an item and you don't ask the madam of the house what the plan is. Even if she is not home, why not apply discretion and take only 1. You see 2 drinks and decided to drink the two.... no courtesy or discretion. Didn't you see where she said things were tight and meals had to be planned? In my house things are not tight but we still plan meals. My children know to ask how many of what they can take and know who has eaten. Yes, her BIL needs permission since he cannot self-regulate!!. As for her room, he still needs to let her know he is taking the workman in. She may need to move some stuff before the workman comes in. Often when a plumber wants to work in my bath area, my husband lets me know beforehand so i can move any very personal items i may have lying around e.g. i wash and hang my undies there. If i am not home, he packs them for me. There are many scenarios . Poster, as for your husband, you have seen the kind of person he is when he is told things. What you have written here is not fundamental enough to leave a marriage .Know what to keep to yourself (everything must not be talked about) or as Stella said, impress it upon him that what you have told him is not to be repeated elsewhere. Why did he need to add your complaints to buttress his.... this shows a form of weakness and inability to hold and own his own thoughts in such situations . Now you are the villain in the story. If his mum says BIL should come home, let him go or maybe the time has come for a roundtable discussion with hubby and BIL.
ReplyDeleteI honestly don't understand why or what slutty typed there, the brother in-law is a very stingy and greedy person and he don't deserve to stay there, he should go and rent his own apartment if he wants to be acting like a Big man..if he wants to eat 3 meat at once why not buy it and bring it for her to cook for him since he likes enjoyment..
DeletePoster you are feeling bad at the moment but it's not enough reason to walk away from your marriage, it's not valid at all.
ReplyDeleteIn all you do and discuss with your husband just know that blood is thicker than water afterall in some cases.
Poster, except the issues you chose not to disclose are very very serious, I don’t think this is enough reason to walk out of your marriage.
ReplyDeleteAnd depending on how your husband told your mum about your own part, he may just not be wrong. Maybe if you had said how he said it to his mum then we would know if he’s actually throwing you under the bus!
As for your brother in law, this is actually one reason I can’t live with anyone long term that isn’t my husband on my kids! Their wahala too much!
Your brother in law is as senseless as they come! Ignore how your mother in law frames it, as long as it gets that nonentity out of your home!
Please ‘forgive’ your husband because honestly, I’m not sure he meant it the way you are taking it!
And as for the pick mes that think you are the problem for feeling this way after keeping your emotions to yourself for so long, ignore them abeg!
I think the real issue here is that you do not want to look like a bad person and that is why you never said anything when it was happening. Things like that have to be addressed the third time you see the pattern. You do not let bad behaviour grow until there is contempt. What he did was selfish and shows lack of home training and impulse control. On top he contributed nothing nor his mother contributed on his behalf. You should not have kept quiet that long.
ReplyDeleteLike others stated, I do not think your husband did you wrong. He was highlighting to his mother how all around bad his brother’s behaviour is. Now, could he have made those statements without mentioning your name, he could. I get that you do not want to be seen in a bad light but in of a way he took your side, he was in agreement with you even though he was not aware any of that was going on. Most times what we see with chronicles is where spouses take the side of their sibling, so good for him for being in agreement with you.
Tell him things but tell him right away that you expect it to remain confidential just between you two. Some ppl need to be reminded of what to keep quiet about because they naturally share things even if it’s only with family members.
Courtesy demands you be considerate when you live in someone’s house. Once in a while BIL should know to buy groceries for the house. If you take, you replenish.Someone legit left that drink or food there. Imagine after a long @ss day looking forward to drinking an iced chilled malt or coke, with your meal. You open the fridge and drink is gone!!! Let’s flip this, she leaves 3 pieces of meat in the pot, her husband eats 2 pieces , she eats 1 piece or vice versa, how will BIL feel when he goes to the pot & there is no meat left for him? After all he has done that to them several times. To top it up he is hoarding his own food in his bedroom and doesn’t deem it fit to contribute. Since he’s moving m@d. I’ll start plating everyone’s food ni. And locking my fridge & if he’s not careful I will lock my kitchen too, I dont think some of you criticizing poster, realize some people are barely managing to eat 3 meals a day. I’m abroad, I went to visit family, they are extremely wealthy, they only eat twice a day. I had to conform! When we go grocery shopping I pay. She will say not to, but I still buy food for the house when I go out. If there’s 1 drink left. I replace with a whole pack. I wait for my food to be dished, unless she expressly says to dish my food myself when she’s busy.
ReplyDeleteAunty Stella is wise. Please listen to her
ReplyDeleteStella where is my long comment
ReplyDeleteNa u dey talk long grammar,go straight to him and tell him to stop that nonsense character,that u are not comfortable with it.He would stop.He is human.That is wat I do to my in-laws and my sisters.After I tell u,we go still play together.Life no hard,Na we dey make am hard
ReplyDeleteIf your brother inlaw is a grown man and doing his own business ( not serving your husband), he has no business living you. He should have left immediately your wedding was imminent.
ReplyDeleteA full grown adult who is also gainfully employed should have left to give you spare to bond
ReplyDelete