Remember the DOMESTIC VIOLENCE DIARY 2 where 'HAUTEFE' explained what she and her siblings went through as a result of the beatings given to their mum and how she lost direction as a young adult?
...well,the young woman is facing another crisis in life and she is the only parent she knows...she needs your help again...Thank you.
''The mother of my boyfriend of over 3years chose to inform me that the boy can't go ahead to marry me if I don't do something about my sibling living with me.
She said that I have too much responsibilities and it will weigh her son down because he's just starting life, she said left to her, he shouldn't be talking marriage now sef but since he is, I should find someone to take my sibling living with me.
She went ahead to tell me that a young girl of my age with that much responsibilities will have difficulty finding a husband o plus if I continue with my family in her son's house she doesn't want what happened to her own marriage to repeat itself.
Here's the thing my mum died few months after having her last baby and my dad hasn't remarried ever since.
I'm the mother this child has grown to know. I can send him to any family member but what will that make for his future? And I really can't even wrap my head around sending him away. I feel it's wrong on every level.
Its not like this woman isn't aware of my history and truth is its not her child who's been catering for us. He's really not even buoyant enough but I expect better tomorrow with our combined efforts as I'm doing slightly well for myself financially.
I have a real job and some side businesses and I'm the definition of industrious.
I spoke to the son and he's not saying A or B. He said his mum had family related issues in her marriage that's why she's skeptical and even him sef wouldn't like extras ibut that my own case is different.
I know he's my sibling but I'm the mother this child has grown to know. Am I supposed to send him to the village because of marriage?Isn't love supposed to cover all?
Am I supposed to walk out of this relationship? Not like he's even rich o. Or should I agree to send my sibling away and change my mind after marriage?
I'm trying to be a christian and think positive so I'm thinking to give it two weeks, go back and meet her and explain why i cannot send my sibling away (not like she doesn't already know o) and beg her to see reason with me and let this pass because I really am not leaving her son (too much investment there #lol) and I've prayed about him being my husband.
Truth is if I agree to the condition, it will mean cutting his own siblings out my life and I'm not that kind of person and I don't want to harbour ill in my heart towards them.
Fellow sdkers truth is I bear no ill towards this woman I really just need real ways to tackle the situation. No arrogance, no bitterness and not leaving anyone to feel awkward coz truthfully I don't hate her o!
I agree she's controlling and being selfish but I don't want to be judgemental.
I just need real solutions''.
Mother whala, please Ezewanyi you always have good advice come and talk o.
ReplyDeleteDts one thing I like about Ezewanyi, she is really good wen it comes to giving advice about family matters, thumbs up.
DeleteEfe so u ve a serious bf and u are busy pampering a sugar daddy outside, nawa ooo, some girls sha!! Wen i saw d pda i tot that was ur hubby o, hian!!
DeleteMay God be with you dear.
DeleteStella you dey read comment soooo? @poster is your name Efe? Cos this is the third yansh opening for you...people seems to know you very well hahahahahahahaha
DeleteDarling, marriage shouldn't make you choose or seperate you from your fam. She is watching out for her son and wants u to send away the person that has got your back.
DeleteAre u sure u want to marry a mama's boy? If u start like this, she'll keep shoving her opinions down your throats esp has your boy-man can't stand on his feet.
Think abt it, no trial in marriage
Afi sugar daddy. And you're sure it's not her bf? World people take spoiling people's name easy, fear God
DeleteHavinq read all d comments I hv dis 2say all of u r ryt n u all r entitle 2ur opinions. Both sides r vital 2 ur happiness, so tread carefully my dear. Gudluck
DeleteGirl, talk to ur husband. He should be man enough to determine what happens in his life and home, if you go into the marriage with the mother still controlling him, u are in for a long thing
ReplyDeleteSweetheart, your husband to be is showing signs of being a mommys boy. If he cant man up to his mom now my dear please leave him o. Don't say bcause you want to get married you'll marry mommys boy, you'll regret marrying a spineless man in future. Leave him to marry his mom. My 2cents
Delete@anon 4:27pm I strongly disagree with you. Let's be rational here,Her mother in-law is not been insensitive cos I belive she want the best for them, besides they are young couple involved here.I believe her hubby does not agree with her decision in starting their marriage with a crowded family(forgive my use of words). You guys are too young to have people Iive with you guys especially now u guys re preparing for marriage. @poster, the truth is your hubby/hubby to be is silent bcos he doesn't agree with your terms. I think you need to weight both sides (your siblings and his family). #Brb
DeleteI agree with u princess. Let's be rational here, while I do not think that u should abandon ur brother at all, I think that u should make provisions for him to live else where for now while u settle down to marriage.
DeleteTrust me, your MIL to be knows what she's saying. U are the one who knows ur heart et al, but she also has a right to advice her son o. If she's not disturbing her son from marrying u, except for this one condition, then I think it's a reasonable one.
How old is ur bro? If he's still in school get him a small apt where he can be comfortable. Continue to see him tru school etc. The truth is even if ur mom were still alive, she would advice u to face ur life while u still fend for them outside. When ur bro becomes of age and is ready to take a wife, trust me, he won't abandon his wife just to satisfy u,u will also have to consider him and his new home so that all can be well. Therefore if u leave this man for this minor arrangement should u refuse, ur brother may end up still leaving u lonely when he finds his own love o.
I admire ur tenacity, sisterly love and protection, but my dear, there's time for everything. Provide something else for ur brother for now, who knows, in future better arrangements can be decided by u and ur hubby. Godspeed
U nd ur hubby to be shud hav an arrangement, ur own case is too hrd mhenn, nd ders no stable relative ur siblings can move in wif?its nt usualy advisable to hav family membas livin wif newly weds. Jes sha mke an arrangement wif ur hubby.
ReplyDeleteUve said it all.... I dnt blame the mother in-law sha. She also want the best for her son shikena!
DeleteDon't send ur sibings away,,just declare fastg & midnite prayr for 7days,,after go & explain tins to ur mother inlaw,,God must surely softy her mind towards ur sibings,,may God touch her heart as u discuss wit her..
ReplyDeleteBecause i know dis girl, i dont feel sorry for her. I used to mk my hair at hautefe's salon until she did smthing dat pissed off, one of her workers moved her handbag frm whr she kept to clean d area, efe jus abused d girl so much infront of customers, dat her whole generation put together is not worth that bag, that she bought the bag 5000 pounds in d uk, dat d bag ll buy d girl n whole family, the poor girl was just begging and Efe asked her to get out of her face. Very rude bitch with poor attitude, dat was d last day i went thr! I feel sorry for that poor boy dat wants to marry you!!
DeleteDamn! See yansh opening... Hahahaaa
DeleteBut anon how do you know this is the hautefe cnt it be a mix up hian,thank GOd nobody knw my name b4 they open my nyash 4 sdk blog kikikik
DeleteEwooo oo. What???? Kai we should never think whatever we do will go unnoticed o. See how this has come to public knowledge. This life ehn. Na wa o
DeleteAnon 5:53 sharrap abeg....no be her money she take use buy d bag....as u've stopped going dere did d shop pack up...i'm sure u worst dan d hautefe...human beings...u alws wanna create sunfin wen dere is nothing....ode like u
DeleteAnon as u dey vex for her since u just see chance put two and two together and open your belle ba?
DeleteI pray when you have your own problem that your "character" will hinder good advice from reaching you. As I don't know how her dealings with her staff is the matter on ground.
Bad belle oshi,
The only lesson i learnt from this story is that not all blog visitor's gist should be believed and given so much attention, this same Efe said she ran away from home and has no family with her, then all of a sudden this gist. I dont knw Efe too well, i was just a regular customer at her salon and my observation is that she is fake and d incident of the bag n her worker totally pissed me off. Like i read smwhr on this thread, i agree with that anon dt said d boy is her son but she has refused to come clean. My advice to u Efe is to make peace with ur past so it does not ruin ur present, go n make peace with ur family back home, even if u got preggy at a tender age and was sent away, am sure u shld be able to forgive ur parents because they must ve forgiven u. I wish u well and remember that the truth shall set u free.
DeleteEwo! Noah! I'm here to answer you.
DeleteI beg u in God's name lemme for waist and don't spoil me with lies abeg my sister.
Don't get it twisted I won't ever get sent away from home. Running or walking away from ones past and negativity is a choice and Fyi I'm better for it.
If I have a child na u dey feed am? Who hides a child in this modern time? While you're busy hiding to drop hate please search your heart and be sure you're dropping d truth otherwise be certain this day that curses shall be your lot.
I'm very much in touch with my realities don't allow inferiority complex kill you.
From the assumptions and inconsistencies in your comment I can place any bet that you're among those who sit afar and think you know me. U actually know nothing nobody that knows me remotely sef thinks im unreal.
Stop judging hun, it makes u a bitter person. Gossip small but don't let it cloud your judgement and view of life. but if you're a real person you'll tell me to my face that's if you're certain that you know me as the poster.
I wasn't going to respond but don't hide under anonymous and spew crap.
If u have issues with me, reach out, let's thrash it out.
HE
May God see you through...
ReplyDeleteMy dear, it is very good that you are tackling it from the Christian angle. The bible says, wisdom is profitable to direct. Wisdom is the principle thing, get it, in all your getting, get understanding.
ReplyDeleteThis is requires a lot of wisdom, opolopo ogbon....you need to take time out to seriously pray about this, pray for wisdom to tackle this issue and holy spirit to direct you on how to go about it.
1. This child is your blood n flesh, if u send him/her away, will u ever be able to give yourself if he does not turn out well in future?
2. How many siblings are you catering for?
3. The woman's fear is understandable based on her own experience and limited understanding, so dont fault her, shes only looking out for her son's best interest, which you will understand soon when u become a mother.
4. Could it be that they are testing u to see if u are callous and desperate enough to chase your sibling away because you want to marry her son, knowing that if u do that to ur blood, then they d in-laws are in trouble.
5. Could it be that d guy in question isnt man enough to control his mother and will allow her run his home and family?
A Lot of things to consider my dear...but above all, u need to pray that if this is God's will for your life, God will grant you favour before your future MIL. That as you speak with her, she will hear God's voice and not your voice.
You also need to pray that if u marry her son, God will make u a force to reckon with in that family. I know what it is to have a controlling MIL. My hubby is an only child, at the early years of our marriage, MIL is controlling but i handled the situation via prayer, serious prayers ooo, did my part as a daughter in law, now, the woman cherish me like anything....if she wants something from her son, she will call and im like, mummy dont worry, we will do something, always thanking me for taking care of her, cus i do...so my dear, u need a lot of prayers...dont relent...if that is the will of God for u, God will make a way....it is well with u and your future IJN....
Spot on! EVE E UME
DeleteMy dear, it is very good that you are tackling it from the Christian angle. The bible says, wisdom is profitable to direct. Wisdom is the principle thing, get it, in all your getting, get understanding.
ReplyDeleteThis is requires a lot of wisdom, opolopo ogbon....you need to take time out to seriously pray about this, pray for wisdom to tackle this issue and holy spirit to direct you on how to go about it.
1. This child is your blood n flesh, if u send him/her away, will u ever be able to give yourself if he does not turn out well in future?
2. How many siblings are you catering for?
3. The woman's fear is understandable based on her own experience and limited understanding, so dont fault her, shes only looking out for her son's best interest, which you will understand soon when u become a mother.
4. Could it be that they are testing u to see if u are callous and desperate enough to chase your sibling away because you want to marry her son, knowing that if u do that to ur blood, then they d in-laws are in trouble.
5. Could it be that d guy in question isnt man enough to control his mother and will allow her run his home and family?
A Lot of things to consider my dear...but above all, u need to pray that if this is God's will for your life, God will grant you favour before your future MIL. That as you speak with her, she will hear God's voice and not your voice.
You also need to pray that if u marry her son, God will make u a force to reckon with in that family. I know what it is to have a controlling MIL. My hubby is an only child, at the early years of our marriage, MIL is controlling but i handled the situation via prayer, serious prayers ooo, did my part as a daughter in law, now, the woman cherish me like anything....if she wants something from her son, she will call and im like, mummy dont worry, we will do something, always thanking me for taking care of her, cus i do...so my dear, u need a lot of prayers...dont relent...if that is the will of God for u, God will make a way....it is well with u and your future IJN....
*speechless*
ReplyDeleteI hope when he brings his own sibling, u won't complain but on d other part his too young to be sent home. I think u should let go of the hubby because love understands all
ReplyDeleteStand your ground! Now it is your sibling, tomorrow it would be your hairstyle. She has no right to interfere in your marriage and the sooner you let her know politely, the better for you.
ReplyDeleteBlood is thicker than water. Take care of your brother the way you have been, no one has the right to tell you what to do, it's not as of you have your entire clan living with you.
Stand your ground! Now it is your sibling, tomorrow it would be your hairstyle. She has no right to interfere in your marriage and the sooner you let her know politely, the better for you.
ReplyDeleteBlood is thicker than water. Take care of your brother the way you have been, no one has the right to tell you what to do, it's not as of you have your entire clan living with you.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteDnt send your brother away, her marriage and urs is not the same, uee ur head.
ReplyDeleteSend ur sibling away, marry his son, after ur wedding bring ur sibling back n let her do her worse shikena.
ReplyDeleteI think by doing this she's inviting a lot of trouble for her future. If the mil means business, she can make her sorjourn in her son's house miserable until she gets rid of her sibling. Don't forget also that the man is kinda leaning towards the mum's side, so she might not have his support either.
DeletePoster, I suggest u fast and pray fervently about this matter and let God direct you. What ever the outcome, know that all things workest well for those that believe. Best of luck
Click my name for all your celebration cakes n cupcakes, Cheers
This is a very bad advice and this is how you start having issues with your mil. Please don't listen to this queen amy, she's obviously the type that likes trouble and lacks wisdom
DeleteBad advice,then what will be her story for bringing her sibling back?if the man and his mum don't your siblings around you then something's got to give its either him or your family.
DeleteYour mother in law is a wicked woman...and she is a christain I guess....Poster,how old is your brother??can you send him to your father or better still to a boarding school...and what is your man saying about it?...or is he a mummy's boy that dosent know where to stand?...
ReplyDeleteI know this Efe girl, all na format. The boy in question is her son, instead of her to come clean let someone accept her for who she is, she is here giving u pple cock n bull story. Mschewwwwww
DeleteOh boyyyyyyyy you dnt mean it?
DeleteLol @ Anon
DeleteHian...see tory...Poster,is it true?
DeleteAh princess, you and I have jammed here again lmaoo. This anon means business o
DeleteEfe! Efe!! Efe!!! Hmmm.
DeleteOk...u need to really pray about it and then go and talk to her as u've said. Do not for any reason send your sibling away,esp if you really are the only mother he has ever known. If this woman and her son won't budge, my dear, take care of your brother and move on, a better man will come. You are not hungry, desperate or broke na... Next!
ReplyDeleteNorth, South, East or West dere is no place like home- Family shud always com 1st. R/ships kud hav substitute but definitely not family. U hav gat t break up wt dat pessimist of a mother in law t b n her so called fiance who can't stand his ground n stick wt u. Dey aint worth ur golden life.
ReplyDeleteIt is not easy oh, remember she said he has prayed all her life to have him as a husband, so letting him go now will be something else.
DeleteYeah she prayed but family is family. If she sends d boy to her dad or school or anywhrelse.....he might neva 4give her.
DeleteUnless there is more to this story than what you are telling us. Since your dad is alive, why don't you take your brother back to him and cater for him from there. Even if your dad refused to remarry, the boy is still his son. So its not that a big issue. Unless like I said its more than what you are saying here Madam Poster.
DeleteIt's rather disgraceful that your mother in law ever mentioned that in the first place. Has she tried to find out who is financially responsible for the upkeep of your sibling?
ReplyDeleteMy advice is; don't leave your sibling because of a marriage and like you rightly mentioned, it will only make you harbour resentment towards his own people as a result of no fault of theirs. She cannot and will not live her own life through you. That she had some negative experience in her marriage doesn't mean you will experience the same. It's only selfish to think so.
When the shit hits the fan, only your sibling will stay with you. Don't let her be giving you conditions for marrying her son, she will only continue once she is successful this 1st time round. Let your husband man up, as he has chosen to marry, then I believe he is not a kid anymore. He should make a decision and say where he stands. Or simply, he should tell his mother to back off.
I agree with you anon 3:40
DeletePoster, please don't send your brother away just because of your MIL.
If she succeeds now, she will come up with more conditions, bet me.
Your brother won't live with you forever, it's just a matter of time and he will grow and move out.
You and your hubby to be should put your foot down and tell your MIL to back off. Her marriage and yours can't be the same.
Pray for wisdom.
My dear, if d guy isn't ready to stand by u, I advice u let him go and wait for d man who will be a father, frnd, mother and an husband to u. I feel his mother wudnt stop @ jst dis, she mite come up wiv more conditions once u guys re married, ur sibling is d only true fam u have 4nw, dnt be blind by d investments uve made After all life is full of profits and Losss
ReplyDeletePlease,do not send your sibling away. He's the only mother you know.. What if the person you send him to maltreat him? What if he turns out bad in future? Would you forgive yourself if you see wounds all over his body inflicted by the person you sent him to?
ReplyDeletePray hard and meet your MIL to be,explain to she and her son why you wouldn't send him away.. Tell them if they can't take marry you like that,then you have accepted to walk out of the whole thing...
Blood is thicker than water. If you send him away,you would forever regret it. Your husband might stay with you or leave you but your sibling would never leave you... And if you send him away and intend bringing him back after marriage,it wouldn't work. The whole family would gang up on you. So stand your ground now...
why are they complaining if you are doing well enough to take care of his needs without begging the supposed son for extra money?
stella I know this lady personally I have been to her salon so many times
ReplyDeleteshe Is very hard working and very beautiful.
hauteefe you deserve more than this when I came to your shop I saw the way you pampered your younger sister please DO NOT LET ANY MAN COME in between you and your siblings
I think African culture of dating a woman and dating her family is too much for guys as i have experience similar issue,it put strain on relationships but guys can not run away from such responsibility. Mine was even 3 to 4siblings from my ex and i never had any family member who lived with me at end is only thanks i got from her mother for taking care of her kids the past years but i do not regret my efforts because her sibling got the best respect although i had one bitter experience with one of them i guess it was youthful issue. i think ur case is not a big problem since it is one person not like the guy is even the one taking care of you and ur brother. If ur guy can't speak up and support u then u are wasting ur time and should go for exit door, when a woman has a guy that can't speak up to families and parents then he is not man enough. This is a sign of bigger problem u are going to face from his mother in the future,u re already thinking about ur investment towards him which is a stupid thing to think or say, u should move on to ur own house if the mother do not accept u and ur young brother but what i won't tolerate is having too many family members leave with me.
ReplyDelete@ Poster (aka Hautefe), I believe this situation is giving you a peep show of what is to come in your post-wedding days. If one of the traits you are hoping for in your husband or think you used to see in your fiance is that of being supportive and a desire to make you happy now is a good time for it to be proven.
ReplyDeleteThe issue here is not your MIL. you will be a mother soon and will understand why MIL's tend to be protective and sometimes may over-step their boundary.
It is up to the child/son to let his mum know this is his home and his new family according to the bible passage that a man shall leave his parents and cling to the wife.
Poster, if he is indifferent now, he will be the same and worse when you get married. I know this cuz i am married to a mama's boy who is constantly manipulated by his mum down to the letter Z. Anyways, try to get your fiance's opinion on this and if he is indifferent or supports his mum, please reconsider the relationship so you don't become a victim of abuse. I recall you said you are a magnet for abusers. Marriage can be sweet but only if you get it right with your partner choice as na 2 people dey make marriage work not 1 person. You don't want to struggle all through your life trying to please your husband and MIL while you become unhappy and distraught at the expensive choices/sacrifices you have had to make to keep your home or make them happy without it being reciprocated.
I believe God is trying to save you from a bad union. Please take this life line and listen to your sister who says you have to become more assertive.
If the guy/fiance did not scold is mum for interfering in his relationship and is keeping mute it can degenerate to him keeping mute even when his family maltreat you just like your aunties and half-siblings did to your mum. I'm sorry I have to bring up those sad memories but the signs are just too similar to ignore cuz your dad like your fiance is doing kept silent while your mum was abused by his family members.
Beyond the issue at hand you need to watch this so called mother in law to be and your guy carefully, are you talking about one sibling or many siblings? If they have issues with allowing your brother, just one brother oh stay with you when they know you are the only mother figure he knows then am scared. How old is your brother? Is he in sec schl or university?this info will help us advice better,the Lord will grant you wisdom.cheers dear and keep your head up.
ReplyDeleteMy advice is, that you pray about this and ask God that the answer should be revealed to you. Also, I don't see why you shud send your family to the village after years of spending your life with them. It's so wrong!
ReplyDeleteAnother thing is, your brothers and sisters have their lives to live and you are their sister not their parent.
You must be very careful not to choose between the love of your life and your family and blood.
Be practical, I'm sure that you are very successful and that's an edge you have. Go to your fiancee's mother and tell her your mind and if she still says she doesn't want it for her son, then go and meet your fiancee and tell him the same thing you told his mother. If they still take the same side, I'll advice you to take a break from the r/sp and pray to God. He really listens. Tell Him everything and let Him work on your behalf.
It is well with you.
Hian,as 4 me o,family first,imagine leavin my small bro or sist wit som1 else,nver,I feel ur pain jor,ur wud be hubby need 2 grow up o,he shud hav a word of his own,which one b mumy say na,na wa o
ReplyDeletethese weak ass men and their evil mothers. did ur guy just find out about ur sibling? that his mum mentioned that and he didn't shut it down immediately shows that he's weak. but then again, everyone has a flaw. since this is the devil u know, I would advice u proceed with caution and try to work out a compromise with him.
ReplyDeleteDat ur guy is nt even a man,can't he stand n talk 2 his mum?he is obviously a mama's boy,my youngest bros who was so attached 2 my mum b4 her death is all grown up n workin but cnt imagine any1 tellin me 2 cut off frm him,my dear,be wise o!dnt make him feel like witout him u cnt get anoda guy,let him go 2 hell
ReplyDelete"Cnt let go of d man cos of too much investment"n "I prayed abt him bein ma husband". Meaning? EVE E UME
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, she's not yet ur mother inlaw and these are one of the things a woman checks before she gets married. Never abandon ur siblings for a man. More men will come, let him go if he doesn't want to stop being a mummys boy.
ReplyDeleteThe guy needs to stand up to his mum and if he cant then madam take a walk. Asking you to chase your sibling away is the height of wickedness knowing your story.
ReplyDeleteDon't go and meet your MIL for any explanation cos you don't owe her one. Your decision of who you want to live with you is btw you and your fiance. Same thing happened a year after I married and wanted my cousin to come live with us. I stood my ground because if I can't help my family, is it outsiders I want to help?
ReplyDeleteIf you give in to your Mil now, just know that she will forever dictate to you how to run your home. Blood is thicker than water. She wants to create enmity btw you and your siblings so that you have no one to turn to in times of crises.
ReplyDeleteBlood is thinker dan man oh, my elder sis tk care of all of us, we were 3 staying wit her wen she was abt getting married and she made it clear 2 her hubby dat she cnnt driv us away "d man hav 2 either live wit us or... We all live 2gether(went 2 d uni I der house) and now we r all married... Soo if d man luv u he will put ur demands in2 consideration
ReplyDeleteAny man dat loves u should love' and tolerate ur baggage',dats what true love is!d question is how deep and worthwhile will his love be?if at dis stage he and his mum(yes they are conspiring,hes just putting her forth to help him say his mind)are saying u can't come in with a sibling they know has always been with u,dats so selfish of them,its like trying to marry a single mother and telling her not to come in with her child.It just won't work dat way!tell ur man to think over his decision,if he insists,leave him abeg,cos u can't loose urself bcos of marriage!
ReplyDeleteDear OP, family comes first. You have not married into this family yet and they are regulating how you care for yours??? Are there times that blood betrays...yes but God has blessed you because of these siblings you have. He turned your story around, not for you to go and dump your siblings on someone else. Life has dealt you cards and God has been merciful, please do not turn around and grief Him because of a man that might or might not be yours.
ReplyDeleteThe absence of a firm footing means your fiance (he is not your husband yet please people stop calling your Fiance hubby.), feels the same way. He said your case is different but normally he would not like such a weight on him, please read that as when he is tired of supporting your sibling, he will be out. But wait...he is not supporting your sibling or you even. Please be wise.
Do not beg for any reason, you should not be begging anyone to accept you (your siblings are you). He knew your plate when you started dating. Let us married women here tell you, you do not start one way and then change things without a BATTLE. You lay the groundwork for how your husband and inlaws will treat you from the beginning. I understand your Fiance's mother's concern but his finances are not impacted. This makes me feel a little bit suspicious of motives.
God has blessed you and your resources are to be devoted to your Blood, your kids, supporting your husband and yourself. Please be wise. Be prayerful yes but let us be sensitive to the leading of the Holy Spirit sometimes, when He reveals something...midnight prayers are not necessary, it is just a matter of you taking heed.
Anon 4:07, like you said in African culture we support our families. Things happen in ways that we do not expect. Ideally, we would like to live just husband, wife and kids but things happen. Your parents might have been trained by someone else so we should know that as long as you live at home, the possibility of having relatives lean on you for help is high. If you are dating a girl who has had responsibilities from the beginning, please respect yourself and find someone without "responsibilities" instead of making her choose. That is in my opinion selfish and stupid since she will be required to be accepting when you have to lend a hand to your relatives.
ReplyDeleteMschewwwww abegi.soooo u guys tink the mum in law will change.look my dear,pretend as if u will do somtin abt it cos now u r stil a girl friend then wen the woman chills and the marriage takes place,then u stand ur ground as a wife,take hold of ur household,put mother where she belongs but mk sure u dont maltreat ha at the same tym mk sure she does not control u.balance it up.as fr ur husband u shld no his weal point naw.catch hm there and lock him there.it is only wat u alow that will hapen
ReplyDeleteI don't know how old your brother is, if he is up to 10 or 11 years old he can go to boarding school and be coming home on holidays. That is one thing i hate about the African culture, family wahala too much ( Most times) i understand your mother in-law but at the same time i won't advice you to send the boy away, if he is not up to 10 years old talk to your fiancee, let him know that he is too young and there is no way you will send him away. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteThank God that you're a Christian; and prayed for the man as husband; but did the Lord tell you that he is the one? If so, fast for that 2 weeks 6-6pm -praying at least one hour around midnight . . . and go and see her. Moreover, if she still stick to where she was; do not utter a word again but continue to pray and live your life as a Christian and see . . .
ReplyDeleteHautefe.....the first point you should see in your story is that ur MIL thinks her son is doing you a favour by choosing to marry you and that is why she said "no man can marry you with the responsibility you are carrying"....that said,,,DO NOT SEND YOUR SIBLING AWAY...i had to go back and read ur story on d domestic violence diary and from there i can say ur sibling cant be older than 11yrs.....what discomfort could an 11yr old PROBABLY give an old woman that will make her say he/she should be sent away??? You are seeing some signs already but you choose to ignore because you think you have "invested" so much in the relationship....YOUR MAN IS NOT SUPPORTIVE AND UR MIL IS DOMINEERING.....if now that you are not yet married,,ur fiance and MIL are been insensitive to serious issues such as this,,trust me,,they will not improve when you are eventually married......You cant deny ur sibling now....pls think deep,,tackle the real issues(your fiance not been supportive and ur MIL been domineering) now before marriage but on no grounds should u send ur sibling away....Lastly,,involve God in all ur decisions....CHEERS!!!
ReplyDeleteGbam!
DeleteIts not a case of the guy being immature or the mum being wicked. I totally understand the moda inlaws pt. The only problem hre is your mum is late and you have being the childs mum. Its usually advisable for a new marraige to start free of any extra person. I have sisters too da i shud be takin kia of, buh luckily dey re grown- so dey stay n dia fathers house. But in this your case, you just have to appeal to the mum or if u have anoda sister, BETTER.
ReplyDeleteDear poster, my issue is not with your mother inlaw because she is doing her duty as a mother just as u owe it to your siblings. My issue is with the monfu of a boyfriend who doesn't have a mind of his own. My dear if your boyfriend is not man enough, the three yrs you invested its nothing compare to what will happen if you eventually get married. I am telling you as a married woman.
ReplyDeleteIf you are a catholic I would advise you say the novena to st Rita, she is known as the saint of impossible.
Goodluck
My dear, please I know you've invested a lot of years in this relationship but if your hubby to be is a mummy's boy, your marriage will be run by your MIL. My MIL wanted to start giving rules concerning my marriage in the initial stage but my husband shot her down straight. I don't need to talk to her, I just give my husband the "you better shut this down" face. Your hubby to be needs to stand with you and stand firm where his mother is concerned if not be ready to let your MIL dictate what goes on in your home.
ReplyDeleteWhen a man cannot take decisions like this on his own,then honey the truth is your man is a boy and not ready for marriage!
ReplyDeleteFeels like I have a family here. I'lll come back with the report cardd asap.
ReplyDeleteBisous y'all.
H E
CHAI see women talkkkkkkkkk. So cos this person is your fellow woman, you told her that her MIL has no right to interfere or that she should leave her hubby to be (i’m not justifying the mil cos she’s wicked in my own opinion). I'm a lady from an average family, who saw more than 20 people lived with us/ pass through our house and to God be the glory they are people to reckon with today. I lived with one of my cousins during my 1yr NYSC prog and his wife made my life miserable. She infact advised other people never to allow in-laws from their husband’s family to come stay with them and guess what, the irony of it is that her own sisters can live with her. This hubby of hers lived with my family right from childhood till he got married oh.
ReplyDeleteWhat i really wanna talk about is Tolerance. If you can tolerate ur siblings despite the fact that they can be naughty and rude, why can’t you tolerate your inlaws and live happily with them. Why can’t you see your inlaws as your blood and overlook some issues? If u can also tolerate your biological parents slapping and shouting at u without disowning them, why can't you tolerate your parents-in-law?
When i see some ladies yes ladies talk about their hubby's siblings i laugh and tell them that hope they know they have their own children and how will they feel when their children grows up and one wife or husband says "No your sister can't stay with us, No I can't stand your brother" Your brother's daughter can't come to our house"
Women/Men when you complain about your In laws, think about your children cos they will oneday be inlaw to someone else too. When you complain about your parents in law, think about your own parents and even you yourself cos u too will become a parent in law.
My advice to the poster is that, Blood is thicker than water. My rule is that Anyone that's gonna marry me, must love my siblings just the way he loves his own siblings. How u treat my own sibling will determine how i will treat yours. I do not joke with my family members at all and I hold them with high esteem.
You talk well o.... But my dear, everything depends on how the hubby's siblings welcome the new wife o.... Did they show her love????? Did they accept her fully as one of theirs????
DeleteIn my case, I married a man and I openly accepted his siblings irrespective of their shortcomings, but wetin I get?? They fought me from day one, and even went diabolical... Now, I don balance finish, na me get house and they wanna come around... I no pursue them o, God forbid, but shame no gree them ask me again.
Last time I checked,love is unconditional. U sound like u r desperate to be Wifed up. Wen marital heat starts,who wld u tlk to wen no 1 seems to understnd? Ur mother in law must be a wicked woman to tell u to choose between her son nd ur "child" I call him ur child cos God has put u as a caretaker of his life... I tink this is a test from God, don't fail. Walk away,forget the investment. Ur man is nt here yet,don't be desperate. A mummy's boy relationship is the most pathetic. Keep ur "child",the right man is yet to come.
ReplyDeleteDon't even try it.what kind of mother-in-law to be is that one? Tryn to seperate u from ur younger one? So they can milk u of every form of joy and what financial liberation God has given u.my dear,that one she's saying is just a tip of the iceberg,na intro,by the time the main cd starts,u'l wonder if ur life has any meaning.and to make matters worse the guy u want to marry is neither here nor there,please don't send ur brother away o,cus he sees u as his mom,and he looks up to u.I ask again who is this mother-in-law and why? She shud marry her son now.mtscheeeeeew.I just can't deal wiv myopic people people with unprofitable brains. Now she wants to lord it over her son's life.he had better go and marry an only Child.wicked woman,three years and she's just telln u where she stands.bs
ReplyDeleteStella, you suppose get sense! Some of the peeps bugging you to pose questions to your readers don't usually post the whole truth of their situations. Is the boy badly behaved? Is the boy in question really her brother, or is he her son? Has the boy ever been rude to the MIL to be? All of us are going to be MILs in future and might behave worse than the MIL in question, so, let's continue running our mouths like diarrhea una hear? Abuse your MIL and ur future DIL will abuse you in return (It's all in the same circle.) MIL complained about her own MIL, you now complain abt her. Your future DIL MUST complain abt u! Open ur eyes people and see the pattern. Final word of advise; don't ever seek marital advice from others, they'd destroy your marriage except it is one that advises you to tolerate, pray and take everything easy and go to GOD in prayer. The way things work out for me in marriage might not work for another. I rest my case mbok!
ReplyDeleteHian, some of you get work o. Considering sending my child/brother away to boarding school for the comfort of a man?????? Wow, women! I don't care if Efe abi Hauteefe is a sugar daddy carrying, employee slapping, whatever...Aunty'm wake up o. This is your blood. This woman has a right to want her son to be comfortable but her son is a selfish person. He knows you have always supported your brother/son, yet he now wants you to push him aside because "newly weds should live alone". God forbid, if a need arises and his mum has to move in with you guys 2 weeks after marriage, what will happen? Abeg, you better shine your eye and realize that the prayer you have been praying is being answered.
ReplyDeleteLet me tell you all something, when you pray and issues arise like this. Our dear Father is showing you and saying "Oh Geh, this is a no go", "them no go fit accept you completely for this place, wait a while longer". Impatience is what has driven a lot of our ladies into the misery they are in. You will be there managing a man that will not "manage" you (for a lack of better words). Better stop being silly and realize these people want a wife that does not fit your template. Apparently, you have too much baggage. Carry it and wait on a man that will accept you. If you do not find, take solace in the fact that you have blessed someone else. Afterall, you say God has blessed you with businesses. If He does nothing else for you in this life, I think you should still be grateful. I must marry, I must marry will send some of you into doom. Biko, I tire.
I would never leave my sibling for any man personally. Though he is not asking you to leave your sibling entirely, he is indirectly asking you to do so. You are the mother this boy knows, no other person. He will never forgive you if you let him go. I can and will never compromise my little ones in the name of any nonsense marriage.
ReplyDeleteIt's the fiance that is sending an errand through his mother period!
ReplyDeleteJust as a future-wife is not comfortable with in-laws living with her, so is a future-husband. Women are simply more vocal.
If the boy is not your son as a commentator said, then rent a different apartment for all your siblings to stay and take care of them. While you live separately with your husband.
@sleekreek -gbam!!!!! you said it all!!! poster, you need to put your foot down...this boy you want to marry is a mummy's boy and that mother is just pretending to do this 'for your own good'....
ReplyDeleteshe doesnt think you are good enough for the guy hence that nasty statement that 'nobody will marry with the responsibilities' or pehaps the guy is marrying you cos of the 'investment' you have done on him....
shine your eye so that we no go get stories that touch the heart after only a few months oh...abeg!!!
I have never commented on a post though i av been following stella for a while. Hautefe, i read your story on d domestic violence diary and im suspecting this your brother isnt more than 10years. From the things i read on that post, ive learnt that men can change and so my advise is this- youre not married to him so please if he is not ready to accept your siblings especially in a situation like yours pls walk away. It might be painful and all but we gain some and lose some. Youre the mother he's known since he was 8months and nw u want to abandon him wt family members cos of a man? Im begging you in the name of God, please dont. God wil bring a man that will accept u and all your siblings.
ReplyDeleteAlso, keep praying, if its meant to be, everytin will work out in your favour.
All the best dear
One say na sister another one say na brother. All claiming knowledge, good and bad. Please don't tarnish one person over another person. Fear God and fear nemesis while at it
ReplyDeleteFear God
Hautefe, my parents died when I was 6. my eldest sister took care of us (8 of us plus a step). Issues like this came up where men wanted to marry her told her to let go of us /allow us stay with uncles and aunties( who wld maltreat us) she eventually let I and my brother go to an uncles place while my oda sisters went to our aunts (asides all the chores, I was raped by my own cousin while my brother was locked out of the room when it happened) the next week my uncle(NNPC worker) told us he couldn't feed us / pay fees so we shd go back to our sister. She came, took us and promised to never ever let us leave her sight. I remember a particular man that even wanted to get an apartment for all of us while they live elsewhere after the marriage but my sis declined,cried and he left married someone else, 2 years later, the dude died and the family said the wife killed him. Years later, she got someone who accepted us alland even fought his family for us. Its bn 8years now n she hasn't had a child but he is still fighting his folks for her and praying together. My prayer everyday is for God to bless them with a baby. Efe, family is all you've got. Don't send the boy off to boarding school cos of a man(only if as a mother u feel that would shape his character), don't ship him off to aunties n uncles cos of a man( they can't love him like u would. Remember, U're all he's got. And lastly, ask yourself what would my mother say?
ReplyDeletesweets, stick to ur sibling.i have a baby bro and i love him with my life.
ReplyDeleteTake my suggestion: your would be mother in-law is already spoiling for war and you will have to fight all through your marriage. Are you ready for that? now my suggestion: Tell your husband to talk his mother if he is not man enough to do that then you have to decide either to leave him or fight your way through the marriage. The answer to your problem lies with your hubby.
ReplyDeleteI hope you read this. It is not your place to talk with the mother in law. Trust me, the only time you talk with her one on one is when you are in AGREEMENT with whatever she wants.
ReplyDeleteWhen you have different views on something, it's ur place to talk with your boyfriend, and your boyfriend will talk to his mum.
It's possible your mum already made him scared of the situation. It's your place to change that idea with him.
Sit him down, tell him his mum said bla bla, and that you understand her concern. But that as he can see, you have been catering for the boy on your own without his assitance and that's how you intend to cont. That you won't need anything from him &point out advantage as well. When you start having kids, you will have someone who can help you look after.
Cry. Cry. Cry. Tel him how sad you will be to send him away, how miserable your life will be, ask if he wants you to be miserable for the rest of your life.
Compromise- if after all that, he doesn't go to his mum and stand his ground, reach a compromise. Tel him on, let's give it a try first. Let him stay wit us for a bit and if he indeed becomes a burden for you, you will send him to the village.
(Meanwhile, can't you just send him to a boarding school and he will be doing holidays with you)
On a final note. A mother in law that comes to you with negative things is not a good way to start a marriage. Your guy needs to stand his ground. If she has any displeasure, she should talk to her son, not you. Her son should let her know that.
Bring that up with your talk with him too. That he doesn't protect you from his family. That is his job. Husband protects.
I will just assume this story is true so here goes........if that boy is the only family you know then let them know you will not send him anywhere........you boyfriend has obviously never let the mother know how much you contribute to the relationship and she thinks u are a parasite......let them know where u stand.......if they don't want another man will come.......women should stop short hanging themselves cos of marriage.....there is nothing evil in what you are doing.......if he goes to your father he will not have the kind of care u will give him so ur boyfriend should endure as he will soon leave the house and go to sec sch and uni.......so far u are also going to contribute to the upkeep in the family then don't see there wahala..
ReplyDelete