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MARRIED BUT LIVING SINGLE

Hello Mrs Korkus, 

Am a lady of 29 married with 2 kids ,a very very sad lady I would say. 

My issue is so voluminous so am gonna try to summarise as short as possible. 

 My name is lemme say Lady L a cool,shy,simple girl next door who desires nothing but to be HAPPY. After NYSC service, my mum seriously persuaded me into getting married to my present husband, i never really had genuine love for him yet he was still persistent and he tried his best to make sure everyone in the family likes him and being the "ADA" of the family my mom in particular wanted me to get married to DH out of naivety i accepted, not realising the future implications of my decision,  which I now regret.

I got married in 2010, first things were not really okay with us financially so I became very economical about spending and too UNDERSTANDING  that I'll try and find money to support in the house when needs arises even with my support. DH never appreciates what i do,as a matter of fact he cunningly abandoned his responsibility bit by bit cos, it was my aspect of being too understanding that gave birth to part of the present dilemma am going through now. 

Whenever i ask for things for the home,the kids and not myself , i get the same story of "I don't have  money" or "I will not do it" shines through even when he has the resources to provide.  The way he even says it sef will make you want to start crying and ask yourself why you even asked in the first place and by the way DH is a graduate and he says he can never work for anyone so he has a business but the business doesn't really yield a lot of income.

 I had to struggle to find a job (while nursing my first baby)because I couldn't continue begging him to provide for me and my kid all the time , i got a job and  became the sole provider of the house I even supported his business ,but DH has never for once appreciated my effort instead he has formed deaf ears and blind eyes to his responsibility the more and has decided to be selfish even to his kids, making it uneasy to provide for my parents who trained me in school because am faced with financial situation at home.

His even tells me to go and source for money and doesn't  even get bothered how i get it and my debts keep accruing cos I borrow to sustain my family and when he  has money,he will never open up,accept or  assist me and his kids. He is a true African man who believes women are nothing, he shows no care, affection or appreciation to me. 

This made me feel like a single lady but yet married. My case could be linked to that of Tiwa and Tee billz,but in my case,am not so buoyant as Tiwa,if not i would endure more.  Lemme stop here. 

I had to further program to get myself distracted from my marriage,because am never always happy,  getting married took me far away from my family so I have no family to see nor old friends, while running my masters program i met a friend let's say ABC , ABC is married guy, we started off as friends with no strings attached initially and none intended but as the relationship grew from friends to buddies then lovers, i suddenly realised how deprived i had been all these while and how meeting ABC made me feel the true meaning to the word LOVE.

Whenever my DH hurts me emotionally, mentally,psychologically ABC is always there to make the pain go away, wipe away my tears,encouraged me and appreciate me. Most times when DH avoids responsibility ,ABC always helps out, he is the man I have always yearned for,bcos he is so selfless,humble,intelligent ,understands my every move, we reason alike and is always there to lend a helping ear and hand. Unconsciously, ABC is connected to my happiness, he makes me smile,when DH makes me cry, he provides for me  when DH refuses to meet up,he appreciates me much more,when DH condemns me.

The problem is am so confused, i want to end the relationship  because am unhappily married and so is ABC, but i don't wanna loose ABC cos he makes me happy,makes me see the essence of living (cos I almost thought of ending my life),he fulfilled me, he adores me, he values me n treats like a queen the way no man has ever treated me and we truly  truly love each other (we have been a year together n still hanging) .  

And let me categorically say, i can't be a happy woman as long as am married to DH, Cos I never loved him, i was forced  into the  marriage, hoping  to make it work but unfortunately, DH shows no love, no care, no affection,no attention, doesn't provide for his family even when he is able to and exhibits high level of selfishness.  Even if i cant have ABC,i still can't continue staying married to DH,cos I will forever remain a sad sad woman and here we are in Africa,where divorce isn't an option. 

Please i need a mature  advice from SDKers and even you Mrs Korkus on what to do and how to handle my predicament . Thanks  

I dont want to Judge you but in your case,Divorce is an option you should consider.