Stella Dimoko Korkus.com: Baba Bubu Fall My Hand..

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Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Baba Bubu Fall My Hand..

Baba why na!!!



“Baba just fall my hand! Ha, wetin.”

“Which Baba?”

“Baba Bubu, the President of all Nigeria.”

“In the spirit of this season, may Almighty Allah (SAW) grant him good health and quick recovery. It is part of our duty to pray for our leaders. Only infidels pray for evil.”

“My friend, the fasting season has ended. Stop fasting after Ramadan. I am saying something serious. Was it right for the President of Nigeria to address the Nigerian people in Hausa? “

“Hausa? Me no hear am oh. Have they changed the country’s official language?”

“Yes. Hausa.”

“Baba just enter radio begin speak Hausa to over 400 Nigerian ethnic nationalities”

“In the spirit of this season, my brother, we must thank God for everything”

“You have started.”

“Do you know if there is a medical reason? Suppose Baba’s diagnosis is that he can only speak Hausa from now on, what if something has happened to his English language? Impairment of the ability to speak English.”

“Are you okay? Some yeye people said Baba was suffering from speech impairment and that he would no longer be able to speak. They didn’t say anything affected his ability to speak English.”

“So, they organized a national broadcast in Hausa to convince us that the President of Nigeria can still speak. But by making him speak Hausa, they simply confirmed the speech impairment. They have just told us that the President can no longer speak the country’s official language.”

“So?”

“No. Well, I don’t think so. Hausa is actually an official language of Nigeria.”

“You have started. I say you have started. Even one of their aides said the whole thing could have been handled better.”

“I don’t believe that”

“That’s what I heard”

“He didn’t know his boss was going to speak Hausa?”

“Dey there.”

“But no problem. Section 55 of the Nigerian Constitution actually says when the business of Nigeria cannot be conducted in English, you can speak three other languages: Hausa, Yoruba and Igbo.”

“The Constitution of Nigeria says that? I don’t believe that.”

“Yes, you don’t ever believe anything.”

“Does it also say that when a President is on medical vacation abroad, he can choose to address Nigerians in his mother tongue?”

“The thing is you never know. Some illnesses manifest in certain ways. There is a way you will feel sick, and the best way out is to speak in vernacular. We as Nigerians should show some understanding. Some people will fall sick now and they will do strange and unique things. That is the way I see it.”

“I hope the day will never come when a Nigerian President will speak Igbo on my television set. I swear, I will carry that TV set and smash it on the ground.”

“You see your problem? Are you saying Igbo is not a constitutionally recognized Nigerian language? You are an Igbo-hater, you this guy. One of those people Nnamdi Kanu refers to as idiots. So, if tomorrow a Nigerian leader decides to speak Fulfulde, what will you do? You will hang yourself? ”

“I have said my own.”

“You have not said anything. If language is your problem, then ask your ngbati brother in the Villa, to also start speaking Yoruba at Federal Executive meetings and other state functions. If he likes, let him speak Ijebu-Remo dialect. It is, I keep telling you, constitutional.”

“What are we running then? Some kind of linguistic zoo where anyone that gets to Aso Rock can speak in tongues?”

“Not in tongues. Three languages. Hausa, Yoruba and Hausa. And for your information, someone that I know once said that there is a spiritual side to that seat of power. You can’t ever predict how the spirit moves people in that place. We should just thank God for everything. We are talking about change. When you vote for change, you don’t know how God will change things. Our God works in mysterious ways. He speaks all languages, and he can do his miracles in any language he chooses.”

“But I don’t speak Hausa.”

“There is actually a transcript of the Presidential message. It is nothing harmful in any way.”

“After almost 50 days of absence?”

“Medical vacation. Try and be humane, this man.”

“Hausa language? At a time Hausa youths are telling Igbos to get lost and get out of Nigeria.”

“Don’t worry. We should just keep praying to God.”

“This is not about God. This is about us. Why will my President speak to me in a language that I don’t understand?”

“Everything is about God. Go and sit down and stop forming. Is English your language? Do you understand English? You are better off learning Hausa, if I may say so. See as you are losing sweat over the President speaking a constitutionally recognized Nigerian language”

“What of my own language, my own mother tongue? Is it also in the Nigerian constitution? This is about my identity, my Nigerian-ness, my sense of belonging. You don’t get it.”

“I get it. I say stop forming. If your language is not there, then your local government must be there. That is what you need, afterall, it is not everybody in your clan that speaks English”

“We don’t speak Hausa either, and I am sure that I have the right to ask that I should be addressed in a language that I understand as a bona-fide Nigerian citizen.”

“It’s okay. This is not a big deal. I’ll get you a transcript of what the President said.”

“In my local Ejagham language, with a broadcast in my people’s voice.”

“This man, what is your problem? It is people like you who want to break up Nigeria. How many of you are in that your Ejagham village sef, that you are making wahala like this?”

“Why must the President speak sef? The acting President has been speaking English to various groups in Nigeria. I was in fact hoping that he will get round to some of us and invite us to Aso Villa, and now from nowhere, the President releases a message that makes nonsense of the Acting President’s efforts at promoting unity in the country.”

“The Acting President is what Yoruba people call Adele, get it right, he cannot be the Baale, the village head, when the village head is alive. Adele is Adele. Baale is Baale.”

“We don’t have such a stupid saying in my village. Good for you Yoruba people who speak from all sides of the mouth. You will see the truth korokoro like this, you will start speaking from all sides of the mouth.”

“Why korokoro?”

“ I speak small Yoruba.”

“I will ask Senator Musiliu Obanikoro then to sue you for using that phrase koro koro. This one that everybody is likely to start speaking in mother tongue, you better watch what you say. Stick to your own mother tongue.”

“Isn’t that what some people want in any case? They want to turn our country into a Tower of Babel. Let everybody speak his or her mother tongue.”

“Your interpretation. Whatever language the President speaks, should not be a problem.”

“Fine. Donald Trump should also start speaking German then since his ancestors are from Germany, and the Windsors in England should start speaking French.”

“It is not the same thing. We are dealing with a peculiar situation here. What if the President is going through a special kind of therapy? New things are being discovered in the field of medicine everyday. This may be one of those cutting edge things. In the spirit of the season, you and other Nigerians should just chill.”

“You are just talking. I think at some point, we just have to restructure this country and get certain things right. There is something called protocol in governance.”

“I am not against restructuring, but restructuring for me is not about secession, break up or hate speech. Restructuring means making this country work for all of us, a country of great potentials where the aggregate of our country, resources, people, talents and diversity can put us on the world map. We are a blessed country. We just have to get things right, yes.”

“We do well as individuals, take Evans, the kidnapper, but not as a country because we are not yet a nation.”

“You can’t say some people are doing well like Evans. We can’t define our country with negativity. Evans is a kidnapper who made millions of dollars from making other people unhappy. We are a country in search of good role models and standards. By the way, Evans’ father says he needs to be taken to a spiritual home for deliverance, but I think he should have his day in court.”

“The truth is that we are actually a country of kidnappers. Right now, I feel as if I have been kidnapped in this country of my birth. They told me change begins with me, but I actually feel as if I have been kidnapped.”

“My friend, stop that drama. Don’t be a drama king. Be a positive citizen. Your mates are winning international prizes and doing well on the international stage, promoting Nigeria and Africa, you are here whining about village issues, my friend, you got to wake up. This is what we mean when we say change begins with you.”

“Which of my mates has won international prize?”

“Akinwumi Adesina, President of the Africa Development Bank, Nigeria’s former Minister of Agriculture. Something big. Really big. The Nobel Prize of Agriculture.”

“Nobel Prize?”

“It is called the World Food Prize. It is the biggest thing in Agriculture.”

“Adesina. He did it as Minister of Agriculture. He has done it again globally. Up school!”

“Hel--looo. What is that?”

“Up school! Great of the greatest Ife! Ife gbogbo! Ife gbagba! Gre-at Ife!”

“You see yourself? You just must reduce everything to the level of the village and yet you complain about someone else speaking a local language.”

“Adesina is a product of the University of Ife, Obafemi Awolowo University.”

“Sorry, the World Food Prize is not about the university that you and Adesina attended, it is something bigger, it is about his accomplishments in promoting food security and by extension global security, his life-long distinction in the field of agriculture.”

“What I am saying is that this is Great Ife’s achievement.”

“It’s an achievement for Nigeria, for Africa, for the world. The security of the world is tied to the security of food. The point is clear: if the people of the world are hungry, the world cannot be safe.”

“Correct point, there. When I am hungry, I cannot guarantee that I will be a good person.”

“I hope you have eaten today.”

“It has been a very dry Sallah, my brother. I visited a friend of mine who usually slaughters a cow at a season like this. The man, this year had only fish, chicken and turkey. For a moment, I thought it was Christmas.”

“May be you are mixing up things. Muslims don’t usually slaughter rams after Ramadan. They do so during the main Sallah, the eid-el-kabir.”

“My own Muslim friends slaughter rams and cows all the time, but I see that this year, things are different, very very different. Recession palaver, I think.”

“You too should learn to give your friends rams and cows, instead of going from house to house to eat free meat, so stop complaining my friend.”

“Am I a Muslim? When it is Christmas, you can come to my house to eat turkey and chicken”

“We are all children of God, indivisible under the umbrella of God, that is all that matters.”

“I hope some people know that in the spirit of the season. I wish they knew.”
REUBEN ABATI.

49 comments:

  1. Reuben and his long write up

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Tooorr. Hmmmmmm.

      I read it but....

      Ok bye

      Delete
    2. After reading 7 lines, I guessed its Reuben. I quickly scrolled and was 100% right on this.
      Who get time to read this crap?
      Hiaaaaan

      Delete
    3. Make this man go die. Very childish

      Delete
    4. This is not crap at all!
      We mustn't always derive not in reading gossip stories...
      This is very insightful with great sarcasm
      Read it, it's very interesting.

      Delete
    5. This is not crap at all!
      We mustn't always derive not in reading gossip stories...
      This is very insightful with great sarcasm
      Read it, it's very interesting.

      Delete
    6. This is not crap at all!
      We mustn't always derive not in reading gossip stories...
      This is very insightful with great sarcasm
      Read it, it's very interesting.

      Delete
  2. I knew it was baba Abati 😃😃😃😃

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh My Goodness! Is that Bubu? Oh dear... May Allah grant him quick recovery.Amin..

    ReplyDelete
  4. Uncle Ruby, I tried very hard to laugh but this 👆 is dryyyyyyyy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Really? I've been a fan since his guardian days and as usual, I'm not disappointed.

      Delete
    2. Work on your sense of humour or treat depression if you called this dry

      Delete
  5. Mr Abati! You never disappoint me.

    ReplyDelete
  6. 😂😂😂😂😂i knew he was d one

    ReplyDelete
  7. It wasn't even Buhari speaking. His cabal just edited several old tapes to come up with that crap. APC and Buhari dey fall everybody's hand. Fake people

    ReplyDelete
  8. You fifu no unverstand, quarupt fifu are vehind this ho thing. Bubu's taste and lust for power has turned him to an ostrich overnight.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I had fun reading this, I was thinking "this long epistle, is it reuben?" I was like nah, can't be, it's quite entertaining. Alas, another Reuben piece.... Deep and fun at the same time.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Is buhari's brother voice because that one can not speak English well so they told him to speak Hausa because if he speaks English you will know is not buhari

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 👏 conspiracy theorist!
      I dey feel this ur angle sha

      Delete
  11. I only read the first two lines cos I knew it was Mr Abati. OK nau, but baba why nau? Lol

    ReplyDelete
  12. Haahahhaahahahaha...Mr Reuben has gone cray cray.

    You too should learn to give your friends rams and cows instead of going from house to house to eat free meat,stop complaing my friend.

    I'M I MUSLIM?WHEN IT'S CHRISMAS YOU CAN COME TO MY HOUSE TO EAT CHICKEN AND TURKEY. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

    ReplyDelete
  13. It is well with him in Jesus name

    ReplyDelete
  14. To be fair to Mr President na BBC Hausa station now.😯

    Your second to the last line "we are all children of God, indivisible..." is indeed all that matters.
    Nice write up as usual.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Which BBC correspondent conducted the said interview? Same man that Aisha couldn't have access to while she was in London?

      Delete
  15. Reuben Reuben...how many times did i call you? Same work you did is what Lie and firmy are doing so egbon fara ba le. Same of the same Aso Rockwood we have been teeete. Kontinuu writing upandan.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Reuben Reuben...how many times did i call you? Same work you did is what Lie and firmy are doing so egbon fara ba le. Same of the same Aso Rockwood we have been teeete. Kontinuu writing upandan.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Reuben Reuben...how many times did i call you? Same work you did is what Lie and firmy are doing so egbon fara ba le. Same of the same Aso Rockwood we have been teeete. Kontinuu writing upandan.

    ReplyDelete
  18. The message was meant for his political base. As of today the acting president is the head of government in our federation, not Buhari. Forget about the federal government and concentrate on your local government and state. Why is your local government chairman not fixing the markets, providing public toilets, grading the roads in your village, fixing primary health care centres and the primary schools in your village despites the billions in federal allocation. Why is your governor not paying state workers, pensioners. Why did your governor collect bailout running in billions of naira but failed to pay workers. Why are the general hospitals in your state not functional. The dirt that is today the infrastructures in your state secondary schools is it ideal. Is it the responsibility of Buhari to fix state roads. Free the president, he is not the problem of our nation.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What a load of hot horse shit!

      Please you can't defend this travesty, so please just clam up!

      Delete
  19. It's very interesting and fun.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Lol Reuben abati never disappoints,

    ReplyDelete
  21. Hmmmmmmm!!!!
    I see
    “The thing is you never know. Some illnesses
    manifest in certain ways. There is a way you will feel sick, and the best way out is to speak in vernacular. We as Nigerians should show some understanding. Some people will fall sick now and they will do strange and unique things. That is the way I see it.”

    #Funny write-up@Mr Reuben

    ReplyDelete
  22. Abati is a very good writer any time any day
    Chinwe ubanii

    ReplyDelete
  23. There are lots of things pertaining to the president's health that only his inner circle knows about and his hidden from Nigerians - If he did not allow his wife to see him on her recent visit to London and spoke in Hausa in a taped message to mark the end of Ramadan, there is more to it that meets the eye.

    I don't think it is intentional, are his prescriptions making him incoherent? And the rate at which it health declined is a cause for concern.

    God heal President Buhari of Nigeria

    ReplyDelete
  24. Well done Mr Abati.
    I saw the lines...
    "You have started".

    "Try and be humane this man"

    "How many people are in that your Ejagham village sef"

    Hahahaha. Seriously, who's that Ekoi man friend of Reuben's, we need his name. Their amebo and sarcasm is on another level.
    #balconygists


    Hahahah

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aswear I've been trying to figure out who the person is. I must know o. My amebo antenna refuses to rest until I do. Lol

      Delete
  25. The headline CAPTURED my attention. Wondered what Stella was on about. Opened the post and from the first line I knew it was an Abati piece

    ReplyDelete
  26. I read it to the end and enjoyed it. Mr Reuben never disappoints.

    ReplyDelete

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