Stella Dimoko Korkus.com: Domestic Violence Is Not All About Women

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Wednesday, 19 July 2017

Domestic Violence Is Not All About Women

Everybody is hung up on domestic abuse by men against women. Nobody spares a moment to find solutions to the equally devastating verbal abuse men suffer in the hands of their wives.




 It is worse because men can't discuss what their wives do to them for fear of scorn and derision. They suffer in silence. Timebomb.

Unfortunately, the Nigerian society has little or no support systems for this kind of situation. Little or no counselling services. It's been mostly left to the church to deal with. What happens when the man doesn't go to church? What happens when the woman doesn't believe in spiritual intervention? These women are raising daughters.


 Their daughters are hearing and seeing how they speak to and treat their husband. What kind of wives will they grow up to become? Those that treat their husbands as kings or those that believe husbands are nothing but verbal punching bags?

We've all agreed and rightfully so that a man has no business hitting his wife. So how then do you stop a wife raining verbal missiles at you? Leave the house? Okay. But you'll return and it will continue. What next? Leave again? For how long?

Recently, I visited a senior friend, an important man in the society and while we were downstairs gisting, the voice of his wife could be heard upstairs. She was spewing unimaginable bile against the man. She called him all sorts of unprintable names. Impotent, wretched fool, miserable man that was nothing when she married him, etc. This is a well respected man. A father of 4 children. She tore at his very core and mocked everything society respected him for. She said he'd soon crash and she'll be there to laugh at him.


I was so uncomfortable as I beheld the man. He was shrunken before me. He was deflated. He tried to gamefully continue the gist to distract me but it was not working. The woman's vitriol was a ceaseless torrent. Uncomfortable silence ensued. I excused myself and left his house.

I was really sad.

You want to know the truth? This is what most men go through in their houses. They labour and toil and build respect but when they return home, the one who ought to speak to the king in them tears them to shreds and tries to deflate their self-esteem. When they are outside, they try to act cheerful and happy but back home, they are shrivelled because the person they live with makes it a point of duty to verbally assault them.

A sad story comes to mind. There was recently a Nigerian Ambassador who was recalled because his wife released a story to the press that he beat her. She also released pictures showing fresh injuries on her body ostensibly inflicted by the man.

In a dramatic twist, their children came out to debunk the stories and said their mother faked the injuries to embarrass their dad. Grown up children.

A particular sentence by the 1st son saddened me. He said it was as if their mum woke up every morning with one mission in life: how to make their dad miserable. They said they were witnesses to how their mum constantly harassed and abused their dad and wanted the whole world to know that their dad was not who their mum was painting him to be.

Yes, opinion shifted on the scandal but the damage had been done. The Ambassador was recalled and nobody heard from him again.

A family is currently at odds with the widow of their son and brother. The wife was constantly verbally assaulting him. Nobody wanted to visit them because each time they were around, it was always quarrel and the wife would call him unprintable names. Even in their presence. When they try to interfere, she will give them their own. The man died recently of heart-attack caused by high blood pressure. He was in his late 40s. The family insists his wife sent him to his early grave with her verbal torments.

Our bars are filled with men who are afraid to go home to their wives for fear of what verbal torment they will go through. Men are finding every excuse to travel because they'll rather be anywhere than in their own homes.

Everybody is focusing on men as culprits in domestic abuse. Who is talking to the women?

Ka Chineke mezie okwu.
By Sam Hart

#copied from facebook


56 comments:

Ms SSS a.k.a stunning slim shady said...

Hmmmmmm but d % is more on women

Alloy Chikezie said...

Say NO to domestic violence.

Your comment will be visible after approval

BLOGLORD (MVBM) said...

Ok

Teemah said...

Men are physical,women are verbal...

Yori Yori Princess Loveme Jeje said...

domestic violence is by both ways most especially verbal and emotional abuse. That one is too bad.

Chai i remember when i was small, my late grand ma from my mum side will use stick to pursue my grandpa. will call him names and so on but we all will laugh because it was funny by then. If she did not abuse the man for a day, the house is not complete. But when she died, the man literally died too because he said the house is empty without her. I wonder the kind of love both of them have for each other.

sexy Daddy said...

Lol @ ka Chineke mezie okwu.But on a serious note some women get mouth sha.
It takes a strong man with a lot of discipline and God fearing not hit a woman in their bad mouth wandering.
70% of men today are regretting getting married to their wifes because of these bad mouth abuse!

PS.Women please when addressing your home front issues, do that with respect,calm and orderly manner. Men tend to regard that somuch than all the insults and nagging attitude which in many occasions push them in the arms of these side chicks.
What do I know self let me come and be going.......

Laeffizy said...

This writeup is very apt...omg.
This is what I keep hammering on. And sometimes it seems like I'm always against women. Men are victims too, a lot of times. Women must learn to bridle their tongues. Some go beyond verbal abuse and even hit the men first, expecting no response (dem nor born that woman well, if I be man).
We as women play the victim card too much. Its time for us to restructure our thinking. You shouldn't support a particular gender just because you share similar genitals... Support people cos they are good/true irrespective of their gender.
No one should come and tell me women should always support women.

Laeffizy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Maybe when husbands reduce their fucking around and start providing for their wives and kids instead of their side chicks, then they'll have peace at home. You cannot sow stupidity and expect to reap a good wife at home who'll be rubbing your head. Nigerian men are a bunch of spoiled, over entitled, selfish, wicked, philandering, abusivehumans and the wives are only learning to give it to them as they deserve.

Anonymous said...

Shut up your stupid mouth, fool.

Anonymous said...

That's how you inherit your stupidity?

Anonymous said...

Superlative article
A direct attack in defence of men who are victims of women's acidic utterances.

This poster just scored a Hart trick.

I have witnessed countless scenarios where women used their mouth as a weapon of mass destruction. Destroying everything manly about their husband. I have often wondered if nobody is going to write on this gig. Has there ever been a smoke without fire?? See, let me stop here have..

Poster thanks

I am king EZE said...

Men are socialized not to express their feelings or see themselves as victims. Our culture still clings to narrow definitions of gender,boys are taught not to express their emotions, to “suck it up” and “be a man.The abuse of men is often treated as less serious, or a “joke.”
Example is the elevator footage of Solange attacking Jay-Z,if it was the other way round the world would have called for his head!. Male victims of verbal and emotional abuse should Leave the relationship, if possible,and please dont retaliate.

Anonymous said...

Without being told you're one of the women we are talking about here.

Anonymous said...

Anon 14:34 u have a point about Nigerian men being spoilt and selfish and over entitled. That's where the whole wahala starts from .....

Anonymous said...

@anon 14 34...if I mistakenly marry ur type, I go de beat u everyday like winch , rape u every day, make u so miserable and depressed that ud end up taking ur life...foolish wasted soul

NIKISHA BABY said...

No sane woman would wake up one day just to badmouth the husband. Men should treat them like Angels and see if the woman will not respect them.

jelly said...

Say no to domestic violence

Doppelgänger said...

No one is arguing that men don't face domestic violence but it shouldn't only be remembered when domestic violence against women is been discussed. Let men too fight for their cause like women are doing for theirs. It also doesn't change the fact that women suffer more than men. Just like rape too men are also victims but men do not talk about it or fight about it like women do. Then they start insulting women once the subject is raised. You don't expect me to fight your fight when I don't even know you're going through it.

Anonymous said...

This write-up is so true. My neighbor d wife is really giving that man hell. Very calm n good man but d woman won't give him peace. Always insulting n disgracing d man. As a matter of fact, she has stopped all d man's relatives from visiting. D man is just doing like mumu.but I think is not ordinary, he is under a spell. Cos d woman sounds very diabolic.

sexy Daddy said...

LA effzy i agree with with you on this.I had a terrible experience on the lady I dated last before getting married to my dear wife.
This particular girl will hit me in any little occasion and will threatened to report me to Our NYSC LI in our LGA as we were both serving.As we served finished I borrowed myself brain and ran away from here.Imaging if I hit her back then na she go come first to shout domestic abuse.

Anonymous said...

Abeg, make men find place siddon


Dem no know say women be PARROT?




Lol




@Anonymous Orubebe

Daenerys_targaryen(For your organic soap and cream���� what's app 08112237061) said...

I'm sure you verbally abuse your husband. If you're tired of his cheating ways please leave, noone tired your two left legs there.

Cookie said...

Bless You sister!!!

Some of these Women can't even take half of the verbal ish they dish out to Men..... Always playing victim card!!

Cookie said...

Very Apt...... Very Accurate!!

This doesn't mean there aren't Men who are naturally monsters but as Women, our mouth ehnnnnn?? Na die, esp when we are pissed!!!

A good Home takes great work from Man and Wife, using God as the foundation!!!

Monkeynofine said...

Hummmmm dv ain't all about married adults , parents do abuse their children too.brothers abuse their sisters too and so on.... but we as nigerians only focus on the married women who have the right to move the hell out from an abusive husband.

The Observer said...

Fact @ sss.
Also d men do not speak up cos of pride, so how do they get any help?

The Observer said...

Thank u!
You have jst spoken about one aspect of this matter that no body talks about.
Some women r naturally crass, but some are driven to this verbal abuse as a reaction to the man's horrible actions!
Either way, the abused whether male or female need help. The more abused men speak up, the sooner they can get the help they need

Blackberry said...

Still goes both ways, a wife cannot get up one cool morning n insult her husband for NO reason, same way a man can't wake up n pummel d wife for no reason.

Minnie Rexpect said...

If you treat your woman well she will not call you unprintable names. Mr man you do not live in their house with them. You only saw that episode doesn't mean the man is not the major faulter. Do you know what she's been going through? The humiliation she's had to endure? No, because you want to be among people giving unsolicited advice on SM you sha must talk.
As much as I know some women have venom in their mouth, I also know that when a woman is treated right that venom will not be unleashed.

Doppelgänger said...

No one is saying verbal abuse is good, abuse is abuse and if mean are going through it in the hands of their women they should speak the fuck up. We can't fight a cause in silence. Just like we encourage women to speak up, men who are aware should do the same for people going through it. Don't ride on the back of women's plight to get your point across. If a man can't stand verbal abuse which in my opinion shouldn't be taken lightly,he should leave that marriage. No one will kill him for leaving a woman whose words can raise a dead and make the living dead.
Let men speak for themselves, like women are doing for themselves. Men hide things a lot and do not talk about their plight which should stop.
Men go through stuff too like women but no one is talking to about it because they "men" don't share.

Anonymous said...

Stella i have been meaning to paste this..domeatic violence is not just between spouses or people affecrionate tl each other..no..it happwna among siblings too.i am 26 and my kid bro who s 21 got high on God knows what and beat me up..he even tore my cloth and what did my patents do?they covered it up satung outsiders should not hear because they had an event coming..my dad specifically.u can imagine..am female by the way so inagine how ttraumatizing it is..stella please sensitize parents on sibling violence too.its for real.thank u all and God bless

Anonymous said...

They don't talk about it or fight for it because the way the society is structured. A man that comes out to say his wife beats him or abuses him will he have mouth to talk in public again? If he tries to remarry who will agree?
A man that is raped is in a terrible spot, worse if it's a woman that did it (happens). Try and report such the police will laugh you out of the station, talk less of the general public.
This issue of domestic violence you always hear teach your sons not to hit women but never hear teach your daughters the same. So many females are quick to slap because somehow they feel that the man won't retaliate.
A change of orientation is sorely needed.

same girl said...

THe sword is like a two edged sword. I wish men/women learn to tame it...(I included men cos the way some men tend to nag/insult, you will be amazed). I think in general, as much as we learn to respect people even in anger, we should pray for wisdom to deal with these kind of situations cos truth is, how many times do you wanna 'walk away" in cases of verbal abuse?

Anonymous said...

Anon 14.48, from your response who is a wasted soul between me and you? Useless animal. Rapist and woman beater. Thats how your type will continue to crawl out until you are exposed for the pig that you are. Useless and cursed human being. Asinwin.

Anonymous said...

the woman might have caught him cheating. However, some women are the genesis of all their problems. Some have very bad mouth and frustrate hell out of their husbands. I have had first hand experience with a married woman. Wetin she do me eh...? My experience with her makes me wonder if all those chronicles we have been reading are accurate. There is a big possibility that some women will add salt and sugar so that their husband will be criticized when they are the real cause of the problem in their house

my opinion said...

Hmmmm

Oga, this your article is very one sided o!

I agree that women's mouth can be something else atimes

Buh sir, a woman doesn't just wake up and start abusing a man. Most men are also very very abusive.

I have seen men that abuse their roles as the head. They pretend like they are giving advice and be pouring out acidic words that will take you all your life to heal from...

Also, you men use attitude to bring out d parrot side of your women. How do you explain a man that never returns home ontime on a daily, or a man who tenses up his whole house once he steps into his house cos he is a man, or a man who spends all his time with friends and gives none of his time to family? Or a man who shamelessly stares at women lustfully right b4 his wife? Or a man who is ashamed to love u publicly, but loves to be mr. nice publicly so people will love him? D list is endless sir!

Honestly majority of d marital problems in Africa is men!!! Society over pampered u guys dt you people treat women as trash without even realising you are offending them most times.

You ALL need to go back to the drawing board and learn how to treat a woman right. Women are humans like you. With blood and emotions...

On the other hand, when your friend wanted to continue the conversation, why did you retreat? Sir, you helped fuel whatever must have gone wrong after you left. If not because of your African reasoning, you would have braved it and continued d conversation. Better still advice him to ignore that it may be her monthly cycle.

But NO, you had to help him realise how much insult he just swallowed. Indirectly implying: go inside and kill her or get a new gf abi???

#wehdone sir 👏 👏

Anonymous said...

This thing men call nagging @sexiest dad. My question is if you are doing everything you are supposed to do. Can the woman nag? can she start insulting you that you night crawl if you are actually home at a godly hour.
No sane woman can wake up and start nagging if the man doesn't offend them.
You have a side-chick outside and its so obvious becos the mans movement has changed, shes seeing various msgs from women. She complaints to you, and you call it nagging.
Most married women want a peaceful home, but when the man does not comply what happens.

Anonymous said...

Maybe side chick position should gain recognition in religious circles..u hardly hear of this issue with Muslims who are allowed four wives.. na only so called christians who take their spouses for granted.

Anonymous said...

Mehnnn, I expected this post to have a lot of conversation but I am disappointed. Is it cos its the male aspect of dv that is being discussed? Smh

Dark Horse said...

Why would men talk about it separately? Are we all not humans? Are there no men fighting for your cause? You see eh, there must be an emotional or verbal abuse before you have a physical abuse. Vice versa
That write up by Sam Hart is jst the truth

Anonymous said...

@Anon 13:34...Who did so much damage to you? Your father, boyfriend or husband. You have such a bad sharp tongue that it's women like you claiming weaker sex but have a destructive tongue that the article is all about.

Anonymous said...

I read yday side chick stuff and saw how 70% based it on Jazz... I just kept quiet. Lemme tell you guys , some women wen them take them go abroad they join all this silly society shytty women that encourage them to mis treat treat there husband's ,get them abused turn it ard report to police ,divorce him claim half d property. Its a trend , we all saw the woman rolling on d floor while d husband video ,d son testifying she was lying. Exactly what most men outside go tru.... The man from yday side chick story cld have been treating the woman so( hiding his assets from her ) and using d girl at home to invest. None of you thot of it like that. Did u also know what he may have put up with for 18yrs with this woman? So my dear Empress Njama made a point, some women get into DV with there own mouth....... Its a chain reaction...

Anonymous said...

This is not to blow my trumpet or something, but to agree with the poster as well as point out to the few ladies here that a man can be guiltless in issues like this. I will use myself as an example. I don't womanise, I have never cheated in my relationships before, I try to support the women in my life as much as I can, I have never hit a woman before, I have my own money, I tame/bridle my tongue i.e I think of the damage my words can do before spitting them out, I don't abuse or cuss anybody, I stay in my lane, I don't look for trouble either, even if you are at fault, I try to make peace or stay away totally. Truth is, you cannot hold me to a fault (This is hard to believe, but it's the truth). My girlfriend is an abuser, physically (she has hit me twice), emotionally (she has cheated on me twice), verbally (this one is uncountable), and in any way you guys can think of. I have not told anyone about it, for fear of being called weak and dull. I have tried to manage her temper, speaking soothing words to her at all times. She doesn't do this to me alone, she does it to even her family members including her mother, in fact, she is a terrorist. In a nutshell, DV against men happens every fucking day! Men just swallow it up, and move on as though nothing of such exist. Okbye!

Doppelgänger said...

Dark Horse, did you hear me say his write up isn't the truth? I simply said men should speak up too like women. You don't expect a man to share something personal as abuse with a woman when he can share it with a man. Same way women are prone to lean on other women than men in situations like this. I can't fight for someone who doesn't want to be fought for and I can't speak on something I'm not aware of. Men are silent about their abuse that's why most people don't factor them in. There you have your answers and I hope with these few points of mine I've been able to convince and not confuse you.

Anonymous said...

Thank u

Anonymous said...

Thank u

Anonymous said...

Laeffizy, I totally agree with you. The article is spot on. I have been married for 18years so am not a learner. Don't need to tell you I have a good wife but it takes two level headed considerate human beings to live together. Yes there is disagreement once in a while but I guess a whole lot of women are to blame for their sharp tongue. I have had the opportunity to settle disputes between couples and trust me the destruction caused by the tongue and utterances are massive. I only support the right gender in any given situation. Women have overplayed the victim card for too long. Let each situation be judged with facts and let us stop generalizing domestic violence by always jumping to the conclusion that women are always the victim.

Anonymous said...

Anon 15:45..... Spot on! Thank you. Until we realize that NOT all men are bad and NOT all women are good and a lot of men are suffering in silence then the cycle continues. The society will crucify a man that abandon his home and marry another wife but fail to ask what drove him away. But quick to tell and support the woman to leave the man when reverse is the case.

IFEOLUWA ANTHONIA said...

Are you serious, she's Boko Haram

Dukestar said...

Why don't you guys just forget about the marriage issue completely if you can't respect your spouse and seek responsible and civil ways to settle disputes.

Anonymous said...

You r here speaking INGLISH .. Na ya dead body ur parents go carry last last Mr 17;58

OGABOSS said...

You are just a typical woman, and men just wake up and be violent abi

OGABOSS said...

The man caused what ever he is going through right? What you just said is as stupid as blaming the victim for dv

my opinion said...

😂😂😂

Ogaboss carry ur wailing sef and run off

Always demanding for what you can't take!

They told u lot that women are made of stones right?

Ode*

U will grow skeleton waiting for olden days women to come and wipe your smelly ass.

Lazy baboon #hiss

Anonymous said...

You would be surprised. Just like some men beat for no reason, so some women badmouth without provocation. I think it stems from a cultural belief that you can only get control or push the man to do what you want if you insult and harass him. Elenu razor people

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