Stella Dimoko Korkus.com: Chronicle Of Blog Visitor Narrative....

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Saturday, February 24, 2018

Chronicle Of Blog Visitor Narrative....

What da heck!!!




STAND ALONE NARRATIVE

PASSIVE - AGGRESSIVE MOTHER IN LAW


I need quality advice from people who have been through this situation.

I have a passive- aggressive MIL. What do I mean? A MIL that pretends to like you, smiles at you but her actions and snide remarks give away her true feelings that she doesn't really like you.

It all started when I was about to marry and we sent the engagement list to them. In my presence, she didn't have a problem with it and would smile and be so nice, but when she talked to her son (my hubby) on the phone, she started castigating it and was suggesting I go and get the items on the list myself( she didn't know I was with him when she called and it was on speaker). 


The way she was speaking on the phone was a marked contrast from the nice woman she portrayed in my presence.


Also, during the wedding planning period, she was proving so difficult over petty things but in a very nice way. My parents invited my husband's family over for dinner. Everybody ate the food except her, she didn't even drink water even after everybody including my FIL was nudging her to eat. It was so embarrassing. Meanwhile, if you go and visit her, she'll cook like there's a party and insist we eat at her house but she rejected our own meal. This is one of many rejections to come.


When we just got married, on her birthday, I was so excited that I put up her picture as my DP and was praising her( at this time, she had not exhibited the pretence too much, so I'd overlooked the first experience during wedding planning and was starting on a clean slate), she called me that she appreciates it but I should take down her picture, I obliged.


 I went on to bake a cake and DH and I took to celebrate her at home, she didn't eat it. I started to notice she didn't like taking things from me or eating my food, so I let it go. But on some occasions,when we see, i may be eating something and then offer her, she'll say she loves the snack, collect it and keep in her bag. Whenever we go and visit her, I'll see the same snack i gave her weeks ago somewhere in her house untouched. So I've decided that I won't be offering her food and I won't eat her food when I visit her, so I don't let it bother me.


When I put to bed, I had a C-section and we were not getting enough sleep, my husband will have to speak with her before she comes to help us watch the child, she'll never volunteer on her own discretion. My own mother lives oceans away and can't be available as needed. My MIL doesn't seem to like visiting us and when my FIL comes with her, she'll be hurrying him so they can leave


But the big deal now is, she always brings up excuses not to have my child( her own grandchild) at her house. We've told her anytime they want her over, we are fine with it. When we decide to drop her off, she'll bring up some unrealistic excuse about how she's doing something or that my FIL is not at home. But when we decide we should just maintain our lane, she'll say they are missing their grandchild and we're not bringing her. (So confusing)


Sometimes when we visit her, she shouts at my child and acts mean but of course in a nice way. My child is just 15 months, I don't understand the stern disciplining. She has even called her a negative word before, I don't know if it just dropped from her mouth that day. When she was an infant, and we had to drop her off maybe because we had an emergency, I never observed this behaviour and she seemed to take care of her well. Although, there were certain things I saw but simply ignored e.g.,she called me that she had a cut on her toe and I never saw any cut before i dropped her off with her, or she'll say her toe looked bent and she used oil to straighten it out.



This my MIL is messing with my psyche. To outsiders and to my parents,i"m so lucky, I have a very nice and caring MIL but they don't know she's seems to be putting up a facade. My husband and I have discussed and he agrees with me because he has observed this behaviour as well but he doesn't know what to do because he says if he confronts her, it'll seem as if I sent him and that may cause more issues for me. He has advised that I just avoid her and ignore.


But this issue is messing with my head because it seems I'm always complaining about it and I can't cope with the fake behaviour. There are so many other issues that have happened but if i keep typing, it'll be too long.

Please guys, don't abuse my MIL, I didn't send this so she'll be insulted. I sincerely need suggestions. My husband and I will be reading.


*My dear,stay on your lane and avoid anything that has to do with her..let her see that you are not hiding or putting up any facade in avoiding her and she will begin to think...do not go out of your way to smile when you see her..do not be too friendly,do not go visiting unless it is important..do not send your child there unless you have to be there same time.....make up excuses for avoiding her if she asks and let it be flimsy enough for her to know you are lying...just stay on your lane....

58 comments:

  1. She may harm you or your child and play innocent. Stay away from her. For your own sanity, stay away from her.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can relate. My mother in law behaves the same way too. She pretends alot but I'm certain if she has her way she will rather my marriage crumbles. Well, i stopped caring about her. Like I don't even care if she exists. We live in d same neighbour hood but we hardly see or talk. If she calls me, I don't pick her calls. So I had my peace. Whenever she bumps into me, she treats me right cuz I made myself scarce and she doesn't know what I have in mind. She hardly sees my kids too, I also made them scarce cuz of how she screams at them. Meanwhile, my father in law is my boyfriend. Lol. My husband doesn't care either cuz he's also tired of his mom and her wahala. They weren't even close before we got married.

      Delete
    2. Dear poster, is your husband her first son, what's their relationship before you came into the picture. In her mind maybe, you are a rivalry who came tosnatch her love your husband away. To adequately and properly deal with this situation, you need to understand what triggers her behaviour. Find it! It could be emotional separation syndrome, mental abnormally or spiritual lol.
      At Last you all be okay
      I love you stella.

      Delete
    3. Haaa thank God. I thought I was the only one with such a MIL. Mine was exactly like what u described poster right down to the abusive words to my small kids, the only exception being that she eats my food. Well I started ignoring her. No calling, going to her house or leaving my kids near her. That was what bought me Peace. I am from a totally different family type from my husband. My parents r both professors and hubby was from a more rural background. So I think she had an inferiority complex. I beg don’t let it bother u. Ignore her and stop buying her things. Me I stopped that one once I realized she always complained. Na wah o so we plenty

      Delete
  2. It looks like you live abroad where fakery is the order of the the day, just mind your business, face your home.. life is too short. Set boundaries, be nice when you have to. Other than that “Uche onise face your work oo”

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. God give me the grace to treat my daughter in law like my son. These mother in laws don't get it. If you love your son then you should love the wife.

      Even when she upsets you, forgive her and caution her provided she wasn't rude or disrespectful. How long will she do this for? even yelling at her grandaughter? omo park her to one side and visit her only when it is absolutely necessary.

      Delete
  3. Just free that woman, don't carry her matter for head, u have to learn how to cope with d fake behaviour..

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  4. What Stella said is just it.
    I can guess the tribe your MIL is from, trust me I can sooo guess and would be right. This attitude is predominant among their females. They smile and give snide remarks at the same time, they are killing you and pretending to soothe you. I'm not being tribalistic, but I've noticed it on so many occasions, that I have drawn my conclusion. Even in the place of work, same.

    And if you react to the 'real' them, it would play against you like youre the one with an issue. Once you notice, please act out how you feel. Dont tolerate it, and you will see her cut down on excesses. Don't be harsh but Don't be too nice, you get? Be flat and unpredictable. Leave her for her son. Don't care what anyone else (like your family) thinks. In such cases, you will always be the 'bad guy' until the day of reckoning comes and trust me it always does. Good thing your husband is one your side. It's God that sees the heart honestly. *hiss*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know this tribe very well cos I'm less than 6 months married to them and I'm a northerner. They're bunch of pretenders! They pretend to love you but they despise you, especially if you're not their tribe and can't speak or understand their language. God help me.

      Delete
    2. You are just a block head with so much idiocy. Why bringing tribe into this, instead of you to give advice and keep quiet.
      I no blame you sha. I blame those that bring their private life issues here.

      Delete
    3. I agree with you, I am Yoruba and this is how my MIL behaves too. At first I was always crying but now I have developed a very tough skin.
      And I hate this kind of "oju aye" attitude.

      Delete
    4. Igbos and tribalism. You need to increase your reasoning capacity and think outside tribe and your hatred for the particular tribe you have refused to mention.

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    5. Your first paragraph is so true. I can guess the tribe as well as I'm a victim of their hypocrisy. Very treacherous set of people. May God deliver us from them.

      Delete
    6. Alot of people have God-given brain and decide not to use it........it's only in Yoruba culture they have bad mother inlaw ba ?
      Tribalism that most of you display is the reason most of you remain single and can't even get on in life. When I read some comments on this blog I just shiver. Cos iv never seen tribe ish till I started reading this blog.
      Darn my husband isn't even my tribe and iv never seen the difference.
      Many of you have problems honestly.

      Delete
    7. Don't mind the lie lie chikito.
      I'm surprised she doesn't have another epistle to add to the story. She will say her mothers fathers brothers sisters cousins mother inlaw is also like this.
      It's only office illustration she used today or perhaps she even knows the poster and her mother inlaw they live in her area.

      Delete
    8. Anonymous 16:38, why are you angry with Chikito? There are many tribes in Nigeria, she did not mention any in her write up, yet you are attacking. Your reply obviously shows she is not lying.

      Delete
    9. See them barking like rabid dogs. Nobody mentioned Yoruba but guilt will not let them keep quiet. See Yorubas calling other tribes tribalistic. The most tribalistic set of people in this country are the Yorubas. And why is it that anytime one writes something against you guys, you assume he/she is Igbo? Is Chikito Igbo? Wicked souls.

      Delete
    10. I am Yoruba and I know my people. This is how they behave. They will laugh with you this minute and stab you in the back the next minute. I have been hurt by "friends" so many times because of this act. Oju-aye is a the order of d day

      Delete
    11. Anon use your ID na. We all know you have one. Bitterness lives within most of you. And that's why your life remains stagnant.
      Many of you havnt left the shores of this country hence your backward thinking. When you relate with ppl of different nationalities you will know life is more than Eastern Nigerian. A Nigerian is s Nigerian,no one cares whether you are from north south or east.
      Go read a book and learn what being cultured is.
      Life is more than the nonsense you comment on SDK blog.

      Delete
    12. Foolish set if cretins!!! Instead of them to advise the poster they are guessing tribe and talking bulshit , awon wehrey.

      Delete
    13. I don't know why my comment is biting these ones. Did I mention any tribe? I am neither Yoruba nor igbo or even hausa so you people can take this your tribal fight back to where you belong. E pain una? 🤣🤣🤣 I come from a region where hypocrisy is non-existent and I stand by the fact that I can guess the tribe this person's MIL is from. If you hate it, your business. My comment must have described you lot that's why tire losing sleep.

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    14. Oh Shut up Chikito! I’m surprised you haven’t garnished this story with your own personal experience of how whatever tribe you refer to has dealt with your sisters friend cousins wife! Get a life!

      Delete
    15. Anon 13:16 oya come and shut me up naau! Sorry people don't deal with me I deal with them instead. Just the way I've dealt with you all on this blog and made you go anon. Pig meat!

      Delete
    16. I think i can guess where chikito is from. Cos in my region, we can't stand hypocrisy. Wonder why people find it difficult to show their true self/emotions towards things. No time for unnecessary baggage abeg.

      Delete
  5. You can't get any better advice that the one your hubby has given you "He has advised that I just avoid her and ignore".

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  6. The best I can advice since it is obvious of her attitude is to avoid her entirely and let her understand you know what she has been doing by keeping to yourself and by then if at all she has a conscience she will feel guilt of her deed. Women like that can be unpredictable in the eyes of the public. Secondly be prayerful as well for we live in a strange world where so lot of unimaginable things can just spring up in a twink of an eye. Having your husband support and understanding is so good as you indicated for that is what matters most.

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  7. I have similar experience,I just stay on my own and try to avoid my MIL but when we meet,I will treat her like my mum but with wisdom

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  8. Those who pretend to be nice when they don't like you are the most dangerous people. She can kill you if she has the chance. Don't leave your child alone with her, she might beat her or hurt her. Forget about your mother in law, live as if she is not there and protect your peace of mind.

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  9. This is exactly my step mum. She's just with my father for the money. She can pretend! She can do some kind of childish drama just to present a false sense of calm and likeness. She is the most difficult and vile human being I have ever lived with. She will use niceness to confuse you. Sometimes she will just ask you to take extra egg in the morning. In the afternoon she will shout on you for eating your eba with chicken. No nollywood mother is as bad as this. My own mum is a medical doctor and this my step mother has only HND. She was sacked from work long ago. So, na ordinary housewife oh my people. Na me dey do all the work for house then even when her children are around. I am a 30 year old with 3 degrees oh not a rebellious teenager and I am saying this as someone who can tolerate anything and anyone.She eventually made my dad pursue me and cut me off after I started refusing to do housegirl work. She likes my brother because he has money. That one will be doing like mumu ode, he thinks they really like him. She's wife number 3. No kids for my dad. She was the town ashawo before she married my father. There's rumor that she and my uncle have fucked. That my uncle and my father are no longer talking again. If I buy any new thing this woman will just be doing like Charlie charlie in the house. Doing as if she's fake happy for me and telling me that she will buy the exact thing for her daughter. Imagine. Very local. Even when she's speaking pigeon English she will be using anyhow grammar. Forming by force tush. Divorced from her first husband with 2 very annoying and spoilt children. I am just pitying my step brothers from the 2nd wife. She's using them as houseboys. My dad is still paying their fees and their own mother doesn't have money. Anyway poster, I have deviated, no vex. Keep a very very long distance from her. She will only get worse. If you notice any odd behaviour, call her out coyly immediately. As in, on the spot. Tell her "ahn ahn mummy next time I won't give you snacks again since you haven't eaten the one I gave you". She's evil and will capitalise on your diplomatic approach. You don't need to be confrontational o, just use sense. Thank God your husband agrees with you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Na wa. Yr dad is on his third wife and it is the woman who is evil. Yr mum is a doctor but she couldn't keep yr father. Na ordinary HND holder yr daddy ended up with. I think the problem is yr dad here.

      Delete
  10. Don't send your child there for visiting except you're going with her. Don't be too bothered about her. It's even good that your husband is objective about it, some men are rather sentimental. Don't pay much attention to her, just be respectful and cordial with her. Don't be robbed of happiness in your own home. Her conscience might prick her someday

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  11. My dear,you can't force someone to love you,just be yourself and be careful with your kids,don't keep them there alone,be with them as well and don't take anything she does to kids for granted cos hatred is infectious,whosoever hates you can not love your children.Do not be unnecessarily friendly.just fulfil your part as a daughter inlaw,and please try to avoid her so that you wont end up hating her.

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  12. You have observed her and have come to a conclusion that she doesn't seem to want your presence or that of your child around her, therefore stay in your lane.

    If you must go anywhere bases on emergency it's either you carry your child along or you take your child to a day care for the number of hours you will be away.

    The truth is DON'T trust your child with someone you can't trust your adult self with,remember the child is still to small to tell you if she is undergoing any form of maltreatment there.

    Also if she must see your child be present during that duration,don't just drop off your child and go out. Be present and make sure that the visitation is brief,also don't engage her in conversations just mind your business and go home.
    In everything you do be at peace with her and don't let her trouble your mind with her psyche games.

    LEP😛

    ReplyDelete
  13. Your hubby should tell should his father which is husband to talk to her,also try and much as possible to stay-far-away from her and avoid her politely...

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  14. Madam is your husband a mamas boy?
    let your husband go to her and let her know that he knows and has being
    watching all her move and all her actions towards you his wife and his child ,
    let him open up to his mother and ask her to stop or else he will stop his wife,you ,
    and his child from visiting her and stop her from visiting you guys,,
    if she love her son,ur husband ,she must love his family too,,
    let ur husband use a stronge words and an open mind to tell her all she has done,
    when he has finished talking to her ,he should ask his father to talk to his
    wife ,her mother and leave,,be sincere with ur words with her,,
    ,,i told my mother that if she see my wife like her daughter ,
    that my wife will always seeing her like her mother too..,,is ur husband job to talk to her,,since u did not lie against her mother did,,shallom,and,stop pretending
    cos she may not know that what she is doing are bad and you dont like it,

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I beg the description is not that of a mommas boy. The woman is just bad

      Delete
  15. My MIL was not smiling on my wedding day. Me I didn't take it as anything. I jut try to maintain my lane. I keep in touch not too often just to avoid any ish. Whenever I Visit. I try not to go empty handed. Just not to b found wanting. This type of MIL just press ignore button.call or visit only when necessary

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  16. Stay away from her but never disrespect her, she seems like the dangerous type biko. My MIL used to be like that until the day my husband called her and put her on speaker phone. She said what she thought about me not knowing that I could hear her. Afterwards, my husband asked that she speak to me. I acted like I heard nothing, we shared a few jokes and that was it. I guess she sensed that I heard and felt guilty afterwards.
    What I do with mine is, I play politics with her but never go out of my way to do anything for her. Your MIL doesn't like you and she isn't hiding it. Love her all the same but be wise

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  17. Lol..while I read I tot someone had written abt my MIL..i swear to God...this is just her!!pretense in the highest order,especially once her son is around nd vistors,lol me I will just be smiling in my mind,later she Will be throwing rude words at u any how,I don complain tire,the last one that made me realize that no matter ow nice I am to her,am just a competition to her!!since the last issue we had, I hv totally ignored her nd hv been restricted to my lane!!

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  18. Someone is showing u koro koro that she don't like u and u are still forcing it...stay away from her simple

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  19. Hnmmm my mother in law is like that too, this is how I handled her, I just ignore her, I laugh when it's necessary when I see her, I don't discuss anything with her, whenever she comes visiting, I go about my bsiness without asking her for help or anthing, I don't even call her on phone and whenever she calls, I answer her casually, she knows I know her very well so she dey her lane, mesef dey my lane. Just ignore her and do not try to go out of your way to please her or make her like you cos the more you try the more she acts up. And please give her respect and do not wish her bad. Gradually she will start thinking and coming around.

    ReplyDelete
  20. My MIL is the same. Just that she told me she does not like me before I married her son bcos am from a different tribe. But I didn't mind her o bcos I really gave her attitude o from where I came from.Imagine when I gave birth she said she will only bath my child for seven days that I should call my mama to come and be taken care of me. She didn't sleep over one day. Whenever she is coming over she will come with at least 2 house help to be cleaning and do all sort for her ,she will bring her food to cook,her pots ,spoon and plates o and water to drink. Me I nor send o. When she buy provisions for my kids I sell them or dash people . when I send my child to her place when I travelled she allow my child sleep with the house helps,my child body was full of rashes .my hubby begs me to visits once a year
    Please ignored her.

    Tiwa

    ReplyDelete
  21. Wow, this advice coming from Stella? I was expecting something like kill her with love and etc. My mil isn’t passive aggressive. She’s aggressive aggressive. Kai, Stella has said it all.

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  22. Good thing your husband is on your side. Please avoid her at all cost.

    She will harm your child one day and tell you that is how you brought her to her place. Just be careful with her

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  23. My dear just stay on ure lane to avoid problem

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  24. This is so like my MIL, messing up my psyche... in front of me she is so pretending to be nice, behind she gives bad talks of me... I have even asked my husband why his mother can show she is angry with what I say or do in front of me instead of bad mouthing me. Anyway I found out how to handle the ish.... ignore her totally, stay in your lane. Instead of sending your child over, get a help or any other relative that can help with her..... call her once in a while n keep the conversation light and simple and most of all, everything that happened before should be forgotten...ie, whenever you see her at any moment smile as if you are best friends and never bring up what she has done before... all the best....

    Ehen, also learn to swallow your ideas, she is not worth sharing them with... don't respond to things she says just smile and look away....

    ReplyDelete
  25. This is what we call a vicious cycle. Women who are complaining about their mothers-in-law today will be mothers-in-law tomorrow and their daughters-in-law will also complain about them. U that is complaining about your mother-in-law, is your own mother perfect? Abegi!

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  26. Do as your husband has said, avoid and ignore. Thats the best thing to do ignore her exsistence simple.

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  27. Your mother in law is a hypocrite. Stay away from her. The people I dread most in life are hypocrites and liars. They are worse than the devil.

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  28. Oluwa o se ooooooo, I have the best mother in law no drama whatsoever

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  29. i can relate. I can totally relate... sigh!

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  30. Those screaming "It's just like my MIL" most of your attitudes stink but you are quick to point the accusing finger. Stop giving birth and expect other people to put their lives on hold to serve your royal highness. Employ a maid or suck it up already!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Since you don't want to put your life on hold then stay in your house.Let me invite whoever will be of help. Don't pretend that you came to do omugwo and be lazing around except of course, you are sick or old. Don't come for omugwo and start finding faults or competing with your daughter in law.

      That is how my sister gave birth via csection and the mil came to cross leg. Why did you come? to be a liability to someone who needs help? abegiii.

      My prayer everyday is for God to give me good health and long life to take care of my children, daughter in law and grand children.

      Delete
  31. Madam, the truth is that your MIL is probably suffering from a kind of dementia or old people sickness. She probably isn't aware of some of her actions. I had an grandaunt like that who was suffering from dementia and everyone was in denial. We had to read up and see a psychologist eventually to help us help her and also learn you've and help her. She needs your love and also psychological help to ascertain if indeed she has dementia or possibly she is bipolar or so. My two Kobo! Good luck.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Your MIL does not like you. Please as your child gets older, keep visits at a minimum. Let no one use bad words against her or to her hearing. If your husband can not solve the issue then just keep her at arms length. when you give birth, learn to take care of your baby by yourself. White women do it and they do not die. Your MIL does not owe you omugwu, it might be our culture but she does not owe it to you, neither does your mum. My only gripe with her, is her two faced behavior. Stop trying to overplease her. Your husband knows the deal, so you maintain your lane.

    ReplyDelete
  33. My ex mil she is same with yours, mil that support her son sleeping outside his matrimonial home, when you complain she will say don't confront him
    Like seriously a man does something wrong you should not confront him but rather serve him food, put your salary inside tray and kneel down to give it to him. Are you kidneying me? MIL that said she is a pastor yet cannot talk to her son to treat his wife right. She have cage FIL that he does not have a say. Thank God she has one daughter, karama is going to locate her address and treat her the same way her son treated me. Thank God the marriage has ended and I blocked all his family members from my contacts just don't worry yourself over her, ignore her, stop visiting her, stop eating her food, don't buy her gift, don't take your child to her, stay your own lane, don't even call her if she calls don't take her calls.is she feeding you? Abeg forget her and enjoy your sweet husband and baby, she should go and hug transformer for all you care.

    ReplyDelete

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