CONFUSED AND NEED ADVICE.
Hi Stella,
Mine is a long story but I will make it brief.
I am almost 40, single, 10 weeks pregnant, broke and jobless.
I met my ex earlier this year, he's divorced and have kids from his past marriage.
Mine is a long story but I will make it brief.
I am almost 40, single, 10 weeks pregnant, broke and jobless.
I met my ex earlier this year, he's divorced and have kids from his past marriage.
I on the other hand never been married or have any children. This man promised me heaven on earth and acted it. Mind you, I had been celibate for 2 years and had peace. Good job and still on a healing journey and doing very well generally.
He is not a man I would normally look at but he was very "good" to me so i thought to give him a chance. And then we had sXx a few times that week and I took proper precaution, I wasn't ovulating so I still wonder how it happened.
Anyway, spending more time with him, I started to notice things that were off about him like lies, careless spending, questionable integrity and hypocrisy which are huge deal breakers for me.
I decided to give him space which he didn't want and would always emotionally blackmail me. Just when I made up my mind I was leaving, I discovered I was pregnant. I told him on a Tuesday and he was ecstatic. By Wednesday, we had a fight.
He yelled at me for the 1st time since we started dating and even told me I had bad character which he wouldn't tolerate in marriage. I left his place and it took him 3 days to come look for me, although he tried calling a few times which I didn't pick.
In summary, we have been fighting terribly since September and I won't lie, I find him disgusting. I don't want to say I hate him but what I feel is not far from that.
Last week, we had another fight because I was visiting, was hungry and couldn't cook anything. This human being told me to look for something in the house. There was nothing.
We were dressing up to go the clinic so I mentioned we will just stop for a snack. Mind you, I haven't been eating since this pregnancy. Imagine my shock when someone that would spend money like a moron told me I was being wasteful, for a snack of 5 dollars?
Christ!
I lost my mind and told him he was being irresponsible. We argued a bit and he said he wasn't taking me to the clinic so I should find my way(I didn't take my car on the visit). He told me to go abort and that he wanted nothing to do with me.
This guy had spoken to my mum several times but I never let him speak to my dad because I wasn't quite sure pf him yet. He had asked to meet my family as well so we could settle down.
I left his house and we haven't spoken since which is going to 2 weeks now. Unfortunately, I lost my job a few days after we spoke last.
Now, where the real dilemma is.
I have zero connection or desire for this pregnancy from the moment I found out even before he started misbehaving, but the fear of abortion won't let me do it.
Plus I fear God's wrath. I offended Him enough with fornication.
Secondly, I am broke. I had a good job but also had a lot of debt and family matters I was settling so there's only 2 months emergency fund I have saved.
I take it he won't be involved with the pregnancy so I am not factoring him in. No family or friends in this country I am in. I have no idea how I will fend for a baby right now.
I am hoping someone can give me advice on how to handle this. Am I overthinking it? Will I ever love this baby? I love kids and have a soft spot for children welfare but I have heard it's different if it's yours. I worry that since I have been living by myself and so used to a quiet life, a kid might come ruin my life and peace.
A friend said to abort it, that God will forgive me and I will be fine to never ever have a link with my ex.
I am so confused and scared.
Make thunder hammer that your friend that said you should abort.....All i will say is that this may be the only child you may ever have.....A child that will comfort you in old age and when no one else is there with you....
Poster do not listen to anyone advising you to abort cos this is a super blessing.
ReplyDeleteThank God you’re not even in Nigeria so your child will definitely be fine. Try and manage, talk to your people at home and see how they will support at least emotional support and no billing for now.
You can even sue the man later for child support. You will be fine just be strong
To me, since the owner is aware, discuss with him and tell him your fears. Don't abort but you guys should be careful in bringing kids this way.
DeleteAbeg don’t mind Stella , abo*t , abo*rt ! God will forgive you, if you bring the child you gonna tied up to this man for the rest of your life!
ReplyDeleteYou don’t want to bring a baby to this mess I promise you. I repeat don’t bring a baby into this mess! You will cry more than the baby ! Terminate the baby and keep it moving !
That’s why more women need to follow Nk*chi B*ianza on FB so you won’t be asking these type of questions
The people telling her not to abort won't be there when you need help o.
DeleteI hope the thunder Stella sent out will go round. Cut all ties with this imbecile of a man and his unborn child.
DeleteIf you ever make it in this country, this man will ask you for child support to spite you. Think broadly and deeply
DeleteOh please don't abort that child..
ReplyDeleteStay positive,eat well, sleep well and get a flexible job,you are over thinking everything..
You will be fine..
Please don't abort the baby. See the child as a blessing from God. Forgive yourself and focus on the way forward. God does not judge like humans do.
ReplyDeleteAbortion at almost 40? Madam please have a rethink
ReplyDeleteDO NOT ABORT THAT BABY. It will be hard from the beginning but trust me, it will get better, children come with their own blessings and just as you mentioned, you don’t want to add murder to the list of sins before God.
DeleteYou will love that child when he/ she comes, I know.
Please keep your child. Ignore what your friend said. As for ex, do not contact him again. Your relationship sounds way too stressful. You have your parents, you can go to them. Congrats to you.
ReplyDeleteOmo! I feel to bad for you poster and will give you unconventional advice. Please try and settle with that man for the sake of the baby and for the fact you have no family members to assist you looking at this period that you are jobless. I am not saying you should develop any feelings for him but just use him to be getting some things done for the baby and running errands for you because you cant handle everything alone with your condition. pretend like everything is fine just to use the fo*l
ReplyDeleteI like this advice poster listen to this one sometimes we play the fool to get what we want.
DeleteTalking about finances you seem to be abroad you can get another job that you can manage pending when you give birth. By the time the baby is born you could get some child benefit even if it's small.
At almost 40 you are lucky to get pregnant some people are looking for pregnancy by any means at that age... you need to keep the pregnancy forget about who the father is and be happy for your gift of a baby. It won't be easy but God will help you.
Poster do not take this advice.
DeleteYou have already made a mistake, don't make another
My woman this might be the last chance to have a child of your own in this life considering your age... It's quite unfortunate life turned out this way. Start accepting/loving yourself and the unborn child. May mercy prevail for you to find grace for the journey ahead of you! AMEN!
ReplyDeleteTo be absolutely candid, your friend is not wrong for telling you to abort given all you have mentioned.
ReplyDeleteBut religious Nigerians will come for your friend’s head. They don’t consider the trauma it takes to raise a child alone and be bound by that child to a nonsense man who you regret calling bossing paths with.
Anyway, I wish you had taken more precaution but what is done is done.
I know people will come here to tell you that the child is a blessing and will take care of you in old age and blablabla.
So let me be the one to tell you the other side.
Yes, that child will take away any peace and quiet you have right now. You will never have a moment to yourself for the next 8 years or more. Enjoy your peace and solitude now while pregnant.
Try to get another job while in early pregnancy. Children zap financial resources like crazy. Apply for WIC and SNAP immediately, also for Medicare (or Medicaid?) if you don’t have insurance.
Begin to get together your friends and loved ones, you will need all the emotional and physical help you can get. If you can, move closer to your family members so they can help you when the time comes.
Oh, register and get on waitlists for daycare now. Depending on your location, waitlists can be up to a year long
I think you’ll love your child. It’s just going to be hard for the first few years.
Before You Decide, A Word from a Single Mom Who Once Stood Where You’re Standing
ReplyDeleteI know what it feels like to be scared, confused, and alone.
To see those two lines and feel your whole world spin.
To think “I can’t do this. I’m not ready. What will people say?”
I’ve been there.
And honestly, I almost made that same decision ,to end it before it even began.
But something in me whispered, “Just hold on. Don’t decide out of fear.”
Now, when I look at my son, I see the same life I once thought would ruin me — giving me purpose every single day. He doesn’t just cry or smile; he reminds me that strength sometimes comes in the form of a tiny heartbeat.
If you’re reading this and thinking about abortion, I won’t judge you. I just want you to pause… breathe… and know that this baby could be your biggest miracle.
You may feel broken now, but life has a way of healing you in unexpected ways.
You don’t have to have it all figured out.
You just have to choose hope — one small brave step at a time.
Because I did.
And I’m so grateful I did.
This is the best of all the advice. It will not look rosy, but you'll be glad you did keep the baby. Joy MUST surely surface at the end of the tunnel. Wilderness experience is not for the faint hearted. Please DO NOT abort the baby considering your age. It is an UNMERITED BLESSING in DISGUISE. We that have passed through the fire and the waters will tell you this POP and PLAIN. What will we have done now without these kids - E-hug!
DeleteDo not abort the pregnancy
ReplyDeletethe love u give the child will have no end. do not cut the father off. it will all work out for you
ReplyDeletePut pride aside and get yourself down to the social services office to see what is available to you. Since I do not know which country you are in I am assuming that they have social services in place. Look for foundations and NGOs focused on single mothers and go to them. Sometimes there is money available through these programs but so many ppl do not know about them or prefer to die in shame.
ReplyDeleteStill keep job hunting, most correct countries cannot discriminate against you due to pregnancy. Can you collect unemployment income where you are? Anyway, it doesn’t appear that you had a strong connection with a foundation in love, you got with him because he was good to you, you’ve not said that you love him, and for a divorced man with kids having a new one on the way could have been a shock to his senses. You are both equally responsible for the decision you made and the product of that decision, you both have to sit and figure out your way forward. Emotions are running high right now, and things have been done and said that made you both angry. If the relationship is salvageable then take tiny steps to see if you can both work through and come to a place of peace. Some great relationships had very rocky starts and we all have flaws.
I am 100% pro choice and I have not met one situation where I recommended termination. It is unfortunate that at your age and never being pregnant before you would even consider this. You are not young any more, your body will not bounce back as quickly from proceeding on that path. Keep the baby and tell your people. They will be happy for you. Families love babies and they know at your age it’s now or never. Nobody is going to judge you.
If you keep this child you will cry, because the pap no send you
ReplyDeleteIf you don’t keep this child you will cry later had I known
Choose your cry and make up your mind
Witch 😀😀🤣
DeleteIn all your doings, please do not abort that child.
ReplyDeleteThis might be the last chance has caused many to entangle with nonsense and you guy knows this too
ReplyDeleteIf you’re desperate for a baby keep it and you will love the child
Otherwise I’d rather yuh go with a soerm donor
Useless men are not worth it
DEAR DO NOT ABORT
ReplyDeleteFrom someone who is childless and has committed a lot of abortion in her hay days, do not abort this child no matter what anyone tells you.
ReplyDeleteGod gives us children that’s why you didn’t know how it happened. At 52 years old, I have so many had I know. Don’t be like me.
Sometimes pregnancy hormones can play up ones behavior. You'll get irritated with everything. Just be patient .male children especially usually cause break up in relationships. Be still. It'll be well .
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I want to commend your honesty and courage for sharing your story. It takes a lot of strength to open up about something this personal, especially when you feel scared and uncertain. Please know that you are not alone, God still loves you deeply, and His mercy is far greater than any mistake you’ve made.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I must speak the truth in love: you made a wrong choice by giving yourself to a man outside the covenant of marriage. God designed intimacy for marriage, not because He wants to deprive us of pleasure, but because He wants to protect us from the pain, confusion, and heartache that often come with situations like this. You were on a healing journey, doing well, and the enemy used this relationship to distract and wound you again. Let this be a strong lesson, not to condemn yourself, but to correct your steps going forward.
That said, do not let guilt or fear push you into making another terrible mistake. The advice from your friend to terminate this pregnancy is wrong, both morally and spiritually. Taking an innocent life is never the solution to a bad decision. Two wrongs don’t make a right. That baby is not a mistake; it’s a life that God has allowed to come through you. Even if the circumstances are not ideal, God can still bring purpose out of it. Many great destinies were born from difficult beginnings.
You may not feel connected to this child right now, but as time goes on, you’ll see that this baby might become one of your greatest blessings and reasons to rise again. What you need now is courage, faith, and wisdom, not fear, not shame.
God’s arms are still open. Go back to Him sincerely, repent for your sins, and ask Him for strength to walk this path with grace. He will not abandon you. He will provide the help you need, emotionally, financially, and spiritually. Take one step at a time and focus on keeping yourself and the baby healthy. Seek support from godly people, not those who will encourage sin or destruction.
Remember this: your life is not over because of this pregnancy. It’s just taking a new turn. Rise up, dust yourself off, and choose to trust God again. He is a master at turning painful stories into powerful testimonies.
You will smile again. You will find your footing. And you will come out of this stronger and wiser
Do not abort.Alot of couples are praying, fasting, waiting and hopeful perhaps someday, they will carry their bundle of joy in their arms.
ReplyDeleteChildren are gifts from God not from man.Things may seem tough but years from now, you will be glad you kept the pregnancy.
Look for foundations/organisations who are kind enough to help you financially right now while you prepare to welcome your little angel to the world. Who knows, the child may be sent by God to wipe your tears.
Nne Nne you should already be on your way to the doctors. No support, no job .
ReplyDeleteAfter the birth, how will you feed yourself? Trump is cutting Snap , Medicaid . What are you going to do? Abort it and plan better
So God is dead and has no use now? That Oompa Loompa could put in 100 more restrictions and cuts, his azz ain’t more powerful than God and he cannot stop anyone who God has blessed. I cannot stand fearful Christians. We in this time are writing a Bible too and there are many with stories just as great as any that was written before. God is still working miracles and every bit alive and powerful throughout the universe and all the worlds.
DeletePoster, stand on faith and plant your mustard seed!
Hello Poster,
ReplyDeletePlease take a deep breath. I know everything feels heavy right now, as you are at a crossroad not under any punishment. You sound tired, frightened, and lost, and that’s perfectly human. Everything hit you at once: heartbreak, pregnancy, job loss, guilt, and loneliness. Anyone would feel broken in your shoes.
Before you make any big decision, stabilise yourself first. Eat properly, sleep, and get checked at the clinic - your mind can’t think clearly when your body is in distress. From there, start reaching out for help. There are support services and NGOs for single mothers, even churches that quietly support women in situations like yours. Don’t isolate yourself out of shame - that has never been helpful.
Spiritually, please understand that God hasn’t turned His back on you. He’s not waiting to strike you down for your mistake; He’s waiting to help you rise from it. You can still find peace and mercy. Whether you keep the pregnancy or not, go to Him first - in honesty, not fear.
If you decide to keep the baby, know that love doesn’t always come instantly for everyone. It grows. Many mothers didn’t feel connected at first, but once they held that child, something shifted. You’ll adjust, slowly. It’s hard, yes, but not impossible. Life has a way of rebuilding itself around our realities.
If, however, you decide not to go through with it, please do it safely and with counselling. Don’t do anything rash out of panic or loneliness. What matters is that you make your choice from a place of calm, not this chaos that is blindsiding you.
And about that man - let him go. He’s not any of your rib. Sometimes God allows certain people to reveal our own blind spots, not to destroy us but to redirect us
For now, your focus should be on you: your health, your stability, your healing. One day at a time. The fog will clear, and you’ll look back on this season not with regret, but with gratitude that you survived it.
Sending you strength and clarity. You’ll be alright, truly. 🌿
Don't do it !!!!
ReplyDeleteYou will thank God for it at the end.
You're so lucky to have a child by the age. Don't worry just birth it. Everything you'll need to take care of the child will definitely fall into place
ReplyDeleteHow can you be considering abortion at 40?
ReplyDeleteHaba naaa, Stella is right,this might be your only chance.
About loving the baby? Why won't you?
The baby isn't just about your ex,that baby is a part of you too.
My daughter came from a terrible marriage. I'm in my 40s and she is my only chils and I love her bits.
Have your child, loving that child won't be a challenge
Please keep the baby you will not regret doing so. Take a deep breath, it might be rough at first but everything will turn out well.
ReplyDeletealmost 40 and you are thinking of abortion? if you are in your 20s and want to abort, i may say give it a shot but in your late 30s and want abortion? please do not abort this pregnancy even if is by mistake. You may feel no connection with your pregnancy for now because of the things you are going through with you man. You will soon have connection with your baby before birth, just relax and take it one step at a time.
ReplyDeleteJust try and manage yourself for now till you are able to get something doing. You don't know the blessings this child will bring into your life, you don't know maybe when you accept this child that better jobs will come your way. Children are always blessing no matter how they come into our life, accept this baby with your whole heart, love and cherish this child and ask the baby to open doors for you. You can speak to your baby before they come into this world, tell the baby what you want and how you want that baby to support you. You think they don't listen to you right? lol just give it your time and see wonders.
Safe delivery and all the very best. That your ex just face front and stop disturbing because he is not ready to be with you and your child. Pretend he is dead.....