Stella Dimoko Banker Tales...


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Saturday, January 06, 2018

Banker Tales...

Tales from a former Banker who says other Bankers are free to join in after she is done telling it all....

‘I knew it!’ “I am not an Unemployable graduate.” These were the thoughts in my head, I could almost scream them out loud. I had just gotten a Job. My first job since NYSC, Precisely one year after.

Now, let me tell you about this my big Job, lol; my salary would be less than 60k, I would work Monday to Friday from 7am till God help you close before 8pm. Oh, Saturdays and Sundays would only be mine if my supervisors deemed it fit. I would be a ‘Banker’, no a Bank Worker, ermmm a Bank Teller, a Bank Cashier……please find another word for modern day corporate slavery. That word, the word you just coined, that’s my position with the Bank. My employers would not be the bank but an outsourcing firm whose name literarily implied I had to work by force.

I had concluded all required documentation and was ready to do or die. Who wants to be a liability at home? Who small business epp? Less than 60k would make me a big big girl anywhere (babyoku things). I resumed and was shown to m

y small cubicle, where I was to delight the banks customers the way I have never delighted anyone in my entire life. Armed with my experience from NYSC dealing with people, trainings, my resilience, tenacity and people skills, this was going to be a Jolly ride-moi moi.

Nothing prepared me for what I was going to face at the bank; from the old military pensioners (best people I ever met), aggressive customers, shortages and overages, chykers, lovers, haters, yahoo boys and yahoo girls, top executives, all manner of things and people visit the bank I tell you. Oh, I forgot to mention awesome fiancĂ©…… hehehehe (lips sealed).

A few years later, I am sharing my experiences with you.


Let me talk about these awesome people, they walk into the bank and you wish you had windows for fresh air, the best of air fresheners would park well. There are only a few women among them, people who make you check your pay slip for ‘foul smell’ allowance. These men are wonderfully great. They fought to bring Nigeria to independence and fought the Biafra war. Buhari, Obasanjo and IBBs’ colleagues. The Pensioners, Military pensioners- you better address them as that or you get bored with history.

They never failed to remind you about the war, their struggle is their badge, proudly worn on their skin. It’s the scar on the left leg, the eyes gone blind, and the loss of speech, the crutches under the arm, the partial paralysis, and the amputated right hand, artificial deafness, amongst others.

In spite of their many travails and ordeals, it’s never a dull moment when it’s their time of the month. I look forward to a fun filled day when they step into the banking hall. They make noise, the kind that makes you laugh. They tell you stories, they defend the bank when other customers grumble, they can fight your battles if need be, they pray for you and they even give tips. They are monthly reminder of what life can be like, a good reminder that we would not always be this young and agile hence the need to number our days.

Once papa approach you, for your sake attend to him sharply otherwise, you should be ready to get satisfaction from swallowing whatever comes from the mouth. Saliva fall on you if they decide to chat you up or argue with you for a while. They are old but mhen, never seen people who open eye for money like them, and a handful can even cheat you. I have fond memories of these men; like when you pay Papa and he wants to count his money, he would make a funny sound in his throat to gather spittle, throw it on his fingers and count. With the money all wet from his saliva, he would hand you a few notes saying he wants to change them into lower bills. Now you have to count what he handed you, confirm to him what he is expecting if not, papa fit change am for you.

One time, one Papa had just finished counting his money, changed his lower bills and counted them again to ensure correctness. One down, next customer please! For where papa wan gist (them no born you well to refuse lieutenant ….. him gist time) I heard him ask me if I was married, I said no wondering where this was going. Na so prayer start o. Amen! Amen!!!!! I bent down my head so papa would know conversation was over. Whossai, papa no commot. Then I heard the sound, the one that tells you to take shield, mouth organs are working to get liquid for counting money. Next thing; I saw his hand stretching the over soaked 100naira bill to me as tip. I was touched by the gesture but there was no way I was going to touch that so I said thank you papa, no need, you don pray for me. 

Big mistake, Papa left the hand outstretched, obviously angry at my refusal to take the money. Other customers were now watching the scene, aware of the kind of liquid on the money, waiting for my reaction. Papas’ next statement was “na because na 100naira my pikin dey refuse? na part of the prayers o”. I ended up collecting the money, placed it on the mecury light for heat and went straight to the bathroom. It was later they told me never to reject an old man’s money. Please, how true is that?

If you met these my people inside any bank, never use the disposable cup at the dispenser. They line up at the dispenser, share the disposable cups among themselves, drink water and all efforts to make them trash the used cups would prove abortive. They would rather carefully replace the cups where they took them from……..the rest is best imagined

Brace up for more...


  1. anonymous to bahd6 January 2018 at 13:42

    Workforce outsourcing! Bastards. Goodness knows exactly how much they get from banks per contract staff.

    Nice write-up, but shorter is sweeter, also do they pay you annual dressing allowance? Ours got 100k a year but I think only tellers, wardrobe allowance.

    We also did tests n hired the best into full staff members every 2 years.

    Banking, weird industry, easy to get addicted to, easy to hate!

  2. I'm all ears waiting for more stories or comments. Contract works in banks are modern day slavery. I ran when I was invited for one and my research from Nairaland showed it was contract. Majority of the banks' workforce are on contracts.

    1. anonymous to bahd6 January 2018 at 14:06

      Notice I called the outsourcing firms bastards, especially workforce, arguably the biggest aside resource bla bla bla.

      Aside cleaners, any capacity you find yourself in a bank, I.T, NYSC, Contract staff, its a wonderful and rare opportunity to learn. You're gaining experience, you're getting exposure, you're meeting people hence expanding your networking potential. 60k plus or minus, that's not bad, better than nothing!
      So I ask, if I may, you turned down the bank contract offer, what do you do now? It's hard work with incommensurate pay, but its not half bad, especially for young below 30 graduates. Pay your dues, learn like a bitch and port to a bank that hires only full staff as tellers. Also, tellering is a great gateway to the wonderfully broad and cerebral world of Banking Operations. From there, you can do and go all over.

      Need a drink, thirsty from all this typing!

    2. Please I'm trying to get into the banking sector o,if u can help me with any outsourcing firm. I stay in the north. Thnk u

  3. Jesus this unacceptable. This is the same thing the cabin crew with BA or VA did of making fun of her customers on SM and we all almost asked her to be beheaded. This is the problem with us as human. My position is if you have a problem with ur job leave it. It is the COT ur bank make from the spittle filled mouthed customer , foul smelling customers that pay your chicken feed salary. If you want to rant about ur boss, co workers i am fine with that but paying customers is a no. WHo knows if one of the old people u just used you pen insult is related to anyone of us on this blog. yes i have a great sense of humor and i did not find this funny. it is offensive. Stella i know it is ur blog but pls post. Let us be the change we want

    1. anonymous to bahd6 January 2018 at 14:08

      Kinda feel you, she'll tone it down next post, if there's a next that is.

    2. Hey, calm down. We all have old people at home. I have them too, the intent isn't to make fun of anyone. Its not about them, its rather about different encounters. If these men were not there, we might never have a salary.

    3. Me I feel everyone wants to trend in one way or the other on this blog, it's her turn, unfortunately she/he is anonymous. After this, someone else will take over.

      IMO, this is not necessary, but I will still read, as I like to read.

    4. The truth is I felt as you did. Does it mean they are sick if you are advising us not to use the cup they used? You go to a bar,they serve you drinks and give you a glass do you know the last person that used it? Was it washed?
      Wisdom is profitable to direct. When writing to the public we should be sensitive about the way we pass our message. This is one of the reasons why I don't miss the emergency room series.
      Poster well done but please tone it down a bit. God bless you.

    5. Oga/madam, sharp there. She didn't insult any1. I believe u would be irritated also if some1 gave u spittle laced money. Put urslf in her shoes before coming here to form the most respectful person in d world. In ur mind u just made sense....

    6. See the holier thou you all are professing. She talks about an encounter or an experience and you sound like she was insulting her customers or being ungrateful to the institution she once worked. Should sh lie to please you or what?. Go on insulting her. This person might basically be horning his/her skills for writing novels or books while you are ther saying trash about how you feel.
      For me it is a good read judging from the aesthetics of the work and the little ethics it has to share.
      Whosoever wrote this has started 2018 on a good note. Let the others stay put and wrongly criticise, please take the positives from It.
      Stella thank you for th I opportunity. Some blogs that are highly hyped do not have this in their kitty to offer.
      I wait for the next encounter. Whosoever is angry can express away his /her empty feelings for macaronis sakes .

    7. I can relate I have worked in a bank before and I experienced same. Contract work in the bank na punishment but this doesnt apply to all banks. But I have suffered like you Shaaaa. The thing is knowing when to leave and saying no more. As pertaining to the cups and all...every true of those pensioners. They even share it and return it ....high conservative at heart. You write so well...pick up writing . Good dictions, simple style, funny amongst others. This is a skill you might harness and put up for a good read. I don't think you insulted anyone in these piece. You simply described people the way they are. Old is old....young is young...spit is spit...anyone that is talking trash can shut his or her mouth. Can she or he collect money with spit on it. ? Is that the training that person received? ...even the owner of the bank will reject amoney with spit. Nonsense....good write up. Continue

    8. Why so pained? I absolutely look forward to more from this writer.
      I find her writing very witty and intelligent too. Fire on SDK and poster. Hiss

  4. Chai bank work for Nigeria na real wahala I pity marketers most

  5. I can relate. I worked 4 only 4months b4 my dept was shut down. I just dey enjoy my Taxify driving Work jejely.

  6. I am so excited to see this, thank you mama boys.

  7. The insultive description is somehow, anywhere continue

  8. Ewww @ returning disposables. Aww...they cant imagine such waste.

  9. Some banks started hiring contract staff when embargo was laid on employment few years ago. The lucky ones got their first pay at about 150k and has enjoyment increment over years. I cant relate.
    Your experience is really pitiable. I wouldnt work in some banks.I have enjoyed profit sharing every yr,upfronts,leave allowances,13th month, bonuses. Ranging from 200-2m. I am grateful i didnt snob my job when igot it.

  10. Hahaha hahaha hahaha hahaha
    Mehn! You write soooooooo well.
    Kudos and I am hooked!

  11. workforce....n this one on the island. contract staff, transaction officer even the OO they are upgrading you guys to is still modern slavery.

  12. Very rude. How do u think a retired military personnel that visits this blog would feel when he reads this. Some people just have a distorted sense of humour. Veryqqq Ungrateful and disrespectful somebody


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