STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
NOT WILLING TO RISK MARRIAGE
Good day Stella! I am one of your silent BVs and I’d just like to get straight to the point. Please keep me anonymous. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 3 years now. He loves me very much infact he’s almost obsessed with me but I’m not sure of my feelings for him. I like him a lot but I’m not sure I love him. I feel that spark, that extra feeling or burst of emotions is absent In our relationship.
Now to the main issue, I once tried to break up with him but he refused, infact he begged so much that I felt bad going on with the break up so I continued with the relationship but stella we are just there. Our relationship is so boring. We stay in the same town and we see practically everyday and we do the same things over and over. We even lack any form of intimacy because I’m not attracted to him; it’s that bad. Secondly, this guy is always talking about settling down and I don’t understand the hurry.
Although both of us are matured enough to settle down but he has no sustainable job and this has always been a major issue for me. This guy barely has enough funds to feed or take care of himself. He’s a business man so he’s always praying and chasing random jobs up and down. Unfortunately, things haven’t been going well for him for years now. Sometimes, he gets paid doing petty jobs that will pay 10 -100k like once in 2 months. Often times, I feel he’s even now comfortable with his situation because how can a grown ass man be watching movies throughout the whole day, especially on a Monday instead of going out to hustle or at least search for opportunities.
I on the other hand, I’m just there managing my “not-so-bad” job as I’m a civil servant. I try to support him as much as I can but it’s not easy as I have a lot of bills to pay too. I don’t disturb him for anything financial rather i even assist him but sometimes it gets to me that I don’t feel like I have a boyfriend. Although he’s extremely supportive in whatever I do (not financially) but stella I’m scared of continuing this relationship. I really don’t want to end up with a man I’m not in love with, coupled with his financial instability. Even couples that were in love end up getting divorced over finances talkless of me that I’m in this state.
I don’t want to sound like I’m all about the money but truth is with marriage comes a lot of responsibility. With the way things are, if I accept his proposal, I’d be the one shouldering most of the responsibilities. That’s not the kind of life I want for myself. While I pray things get better for him, I’m not willing to risk this marriage thing. I’m just so confused ‘Cos breaking up with him is seeming like an impossible task as he knows how to guilt trip me into getting back to the relationship. I feel stuck in this relationship. He makes me feel guilty for not being able to return his love and to be honest, there’s no day I don’t feel bad about my inability to love him despite how much he shows he loves me.
I on the other hand, I’m just there managing my “not-so-bad” job as I’m a civil servant. I try to support him as much as I can but it’s not easy as I have a lot of bills to pay too. I don’t disturb him for anything financial rather i even assist him but sometimes it gets to me that I don’t feel like I have a boyfriend. Although he’s extremely supportive in whatever I do (not financially) but stella I’m scared of continuing this relationship. I really don’t want to end up with a man I’m not in love with, coupled with his financial instability. Even couples that were in love end up getting divorced over finances talkless of me that I’m in this state.
I don’t want to sound like I’m all about the money but truth is with marriage comes a lot of responsibility. With the way things are, if I accept his proposal, I’d be the one shouldering most of the responsibilities. That’s not the kind of life I want for myself. While I pray things get better for him, I’m not willing to risk this marriage thing. I’m just so confused ‘Cos breaking up with him is seeming like an impossible task as he knows how to guilt trip me into getting back to the relationship. I feel stuck in this relationship. He makes me feel guilty for not being able to return his love and to be honest, there’s no day I don’t feel bad about my inability to love him despite how much he shows he loves me.
I’m just so confused. Pls help me.
*I dont understand how a mature woman (well you said you are in this Chronicle)will not be able to say what she wants?Do you have insecurities?Why continue to lead a man on knowing he is not who you want?It is not fair whether he is a loafer or not,please let him go if you know you will not marry him...
Release him even if you have lie to get it done............
If you Marry this man you described above,you will send a chronicle in less than a year!
It is clear it you are not compatible with him. Move on
ReplyDeletePoster please just leave the guy. It's clear both of you are not compatible.
DeleteThis is not compatibility Miss Ess, theres a reason she feels guilty and remains with him... maybe he has been there for her when she needed someone, i dont know how sha, but that brings about guilt, cus if she owes him nothing, he wouldnt have something to refer to and make her feel guilty... watever it is its no longer worth staying. Set him free & breathe fresh air
DeleteYou can be compatible with sum1 but theres no love between you two. They must be compatible to have lasted 3yrs.
DeleteNo love + No money + No good sex = DISASTER!!!
Aunty break up now, how can you be tying yourself down for two whole years? It’s not fair to him neither is it fair to you, pls kindly move on
DeleteHere is the problem:
DeleteFinancial insecurity and Emotional insecurity.
Madam poster. Move on, he's dating himself. There is no romance without finance...hence the emotional distance.
Poster move on.
@Miss Ess
Delete"If she is not compatible with money" you mean to write?
And poster, supposing this man get a contract worth millions of Naira,
will you be chanting this stuff you wrote up there?
Most Naija girls definition of love is money and abroad.
I need the advice given to this poster. I am in a relationship too but the we are both doing combined contracts together and there is just alot that has interwoven us together. Financially things are horrible between us now as i cant even boast of 10k called my own. I really want to leave this situationship but i dont know how.
DeleteI think he doesn't want to break up with u because he is getting something from you. That's not love. When he hammers, he will most likely dump you. You made the mistake from the beginning by giving him money.
DeleteYou are so right anonymous 17.01👏👏👏
DeleteDump that man and move on. You're not a love with him and you're wasting time with him.. If you make the mistake of marrying that man with that state of mind, you will regret it till your dying day. Marriage is hard enough, imagine going into it without love or "spark",can't work. Cheers.
DeleteI use to tell my sis, make hays while the sun shines
DeleteIf you u can not run after black goat during yhe day, u will never see d goat at night
Any youth that watches TV during the day wen you are not on leave or off duty is lazy, even if u dont have job, husle husle peeps
Pls let him go, don't do what you will regret at the end of the day
DeleteHope, this isn’t too late? I see a misconception reading the comments on love. Love is not having butterflies in your belly or your heart skipping a beat or beating widely when you think about “someone “. Love is a decision, it is not a feeling. Feeling fades, butterflies fly away, your heart rate becomes steady eventually. I don’t deny the fact that new love intoxicates, when you are attracted to someone, you feel amorous and even the person’s fart smell like perfume, but love is beyond that. Love burns steadily and strong, it does not wane. It is the decision you have made to give your life for someone. So, you can’t just wake up one day and say you no longer love someone. Forget what the movies portray, that is romance and not love.
DeleteTo the other issue, things may eventually turn around for your man or it may not. The winds of positive change may blow his way or you may keep being the bread winner. It is the duty of the man to provide for his family, the woman may be a strong partner and contribute equally. If this balance is altered and the woman bears the larger chunk of responsibility, that state of equilibrium is altered. It may lead to feelings of resentment, frustration, anger and being too stretched out on the woman’s part.
Final decision lies with you. All the best
Kemi Ade welcome, it has been long. Nice one, but me sha I want lomance jion, hehehehe
Deletekemi you tried in your write up about love. but i disagree with you. love is something that comes from the inside, it has to do with feelings etc, it entails a lot. besides, there's what is called true love and just love. true love is un explainable while love is what most people practice this days. true love is really hard to find.
DeleteNa this Kemi type of advises them take full my head and i almost married into suicide last year. Na God save me. Love is a decision kor.
DeleteWho dont love, you dont love and the persons faults will be smack clear on your face everyday. If he offends you, you will never be a ble to forgive easily.you wont find joy in his company nor hope in his words.
You ppl should stop preachibg this love is a decisio, love grows etc. Its a lie. No seed, no germination, no yeild, no harvest.
Na wa. So many issues everywhere. God will help you as you leave the man Amen
ReplyDeleteMy own is that I don't have that butterfly feeling for my husband, but the guy loves me more than life itself, He worships the ground I work. Poster that's where we are similar, but my husband and I have wonderful jobs. He's a medical doctor while I'm techie.
Delete...and i still don't understand why people get married to someone they do not love. Like why???????
DeleteLove fades oh.
DeleteYou can love someone today and it goes out like a light 2mr.
And its not like the person maltreats u or stops loving you, but yours goes, happens to some ppl sha, very few ppl have the ability to love you same way from beginning to end and theirs dont change, very few, those ppl are hard to find... Letting go of such ppl is such a mistake.
You are not all about the money dear. Anyone who says you are should argue with his phone. Money is essential in this life. After marriage, babies and responsibilities hit you like a ton of bricks then it will probably be too late.
ReplyDeleteMy only issue with you is why you wasted three years of your life with someone you don't like and doesn't havr money. .at least either love or money box must be ticked na abi?
Linda Eze why dont u comment on chronicles na. I miss your comments here oh. You just bone this section. Abeg come back joor.
Poster you don't feel love for him and he's also broke. Girl you have to chose one hussle. It's either he's rich and you don't feel anything for him or he's broke and you love him so much. Too much wahala. You are trading in both your feeling and your chance to live a good life. Also have it at the back of your mind, that broke are very lovey dovey till plenty money hits their account.
Delete👍👍👏
DeleteYes ooo. Linda please come back I rove u jus the way u is. Poster NEVER marry outta pity, you hear?!
DeleteMarry him and wallow in self pity. The relationship will not blossom because you don't believe in him. Free him since you don't love him and be firm about it. Its too early to complain at this stage of courting.
ReplyDeleteStella she's not leading him on. She's confused and not sure whether to date him
ReplyDeleteWhat'd u mean shes not leading him on? Shes giving him hope and green light, is that not leading on???
DeleteHe’s actually the one leading her on. Poster, he’s begging you to stay because of what he’s getting from you and whatever it is he has over you to put you on a guilt trip. If he hammers, he’ll drop you like a bad habit and start rolling with ladies he believes are now on the same elevated level as him. If you’re married by then, he’ll start cheating and leaving you at home unattended and still without finance. Break up at all cost and move on. Lazy youths are very risky to be with, especially lazy men. They will all household burden on you when they don’t have money but when they get money, it will also be spent outside on frivolities instead of in the home. Set yourself free while you can!!
DeleteThe guy is manipulating you to stay in the relationship because of the fringe benefits he is enjoying. Poster use your tongue to count your teeth, borrow Nike if necessary and flee!
DeleteSome so called matured ladies really do think from their anus. Pls poster, free the innocent man, let him be focused enough to meet his rightful missing rib biko.
ReplyDeleteJesus!
DeleteDid i send in this chronicle or what...
This is my story right there 👆 Lord have mercy!
You sent it in your sleep, lol. But yeah many women are going through this ish. My guy stayed loyal till he got a good job and was stable, then started singing a different tune and giving me grief. Now he is married to someone else. Your mind nor dey there poster, jus leave am...
DeleteA wise Arabian said to me "You dont beg for Love Affection or Attention, if its not given to you freely, then its not worth it"... he was right. I feel so ashamed when i hear a full grown man with hairy balls begging a girl as uve described above, you've got to be worthless, cus if youve got selfworth you'd never flog a dead horse! even if she listens to your plea & stays, it'd be out of pity n guilt... & she'd constantly feel trapped in the wrong train going the opposite direction.
ReplyDeleteThis saying should play into his head "If you love her set her free, if she doesnt come back, it wasnt meant for you, if she comes back she'd most likely be yours forever"..
Poster, youre youre not helping him & yourself, this mindset will not get you anywhere! free your mind & the grip he has on you! Maybe, just maybe his star will shine and he'd meet his helper like the Acrimony guy.
I don't dont how people beg their partner to stay when they tell you they are done. Whatever you beg to have can't last. A real man don't beg to keep relationship.
DeleteIf a man knows his worth he wouldn't beg. This one is begging cos he knows he can't get any other woman as cheap as he got this one and he can use sweet mouth to keep her where he wants.
DeleteOxygen knows many wise Arabians and such but I rove you like that. Your analogy with Acrimony is apt 👍
DeletePoster use your initiative, you know what to do..do it fast before it is too late.
ReplyDeleteDon't come here and write another chronicle on how you are pregnant for a broke man.
If you truly dont have feelings for him you should be able to break up and blank him completely without blinking an eye. Don't marry a loafer because even with money marriage can still be difficult talkless of without. You can't tell but it might be when you let go of this lazy guy that a good guy will come your way. When I broke up with my lazy ex was when I met my now husband when I was not even looking. I wasn't interested in him and even tried to hook him up with my friend but he insisted n married me. We are blessed everyday both financially and otherwise. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteMy dear,whether it is about the money or not, follow your heart because what ever decision you take now will affect you tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteFree him and move on with your life.
Poster, was the magic emotions and spark ever there in the beginning? or it evaporated with time.... Lack of money might have killed it cus i bet if he had davido money that love will tripple, im not blaming u sha, times are hard, and poverty kills love.
ReplyDeleteBut i hope u know a hurstler today can be a dangote 2mr, na God de do am oh... and the rich man u meet today will marry n maltreat u very well, so my dear nothingbis certain... but either way u need a break to know if theres something meant for u out there... give it time n see what might come ur way! cus u cant marry him and constantly be saying " i should have done better, or i had better chykers oh" You will be more frustrated n most likely cheat... but ifnu know theres nothing out there compared to him, thats better
See poverty mentality. Those rich people u see today didnt sit down watching TV all day, they hustled. Like poor people do not maltreat their wives?? Poor men can cheat and beat their wives for Africa. It just God, and luck. Good people are good people,just like bad people are bad people. It has nothing to do with being rich or poor.
DeleteFree him and drop his number here their are many matured ladies that want to ansa mrs.
ReplyDeletedo not,i repeat do not marry anyone out of pity
Lol..chidera..I gladly pass this one to you.
DeleteLMAO 😀😁 @ blackberry's comment
DeletePoster put your feet down and end that scam called situationship ASAP. He's a gold digger that doesn't love you he's only using you to upgrade himself. Let him start making his money that's when you're going to see his true colours. Poor guys are always lovey dovey. Na their modi operandi be that .
ReplyDeleteYoruba adage "iwa oniwa ni talaka ma nwu" Go figure poster.
My dear... This is my exact situtation just that I am not dating this one officially! We hang out a lot and I guess he took it like we're dating. I am not just in love with him at all. Believe me, I have tried. He's always talking about marriage, but I know i'd be very miserable married to him becos I wouldn't return the love! I feel so bad, but i never said we were dating! I can never marry or fall in love with someone out of pity!
ReplyDeleteI doubt it oo.
DeletePosters man is broke and comfortable. And also a leach.
Poster is d breadwinner and matruage never start.
She will pay her brideprice and continue till she pays his divorce fees.
he who has ear, let him hear oo
Then what are you following him up and down for?
DeleteYou dont know youre blocking your own road by giving him gteen light, you dont know who is assumong youre hooked and so staying away.
DeleteAnonymous donor...Oya chop kisses
DeleteYou don't want to sound like it's all about the money, but you and I knows it's all about the money for you, gini ka ina ako?(what are you saying) you want to use love line to Confuse us.
ReplyDeleteThere's nothing wrong with that, I mean wanting your man to have sustainable job and finance(according so to you), that's what you what so go for it, and stop wasting both of y'all time.
Poster please find away to free him if u can't endure with his situation,as it been this man is rich ,you will not send this chronicle..Don't marry him out of pity , please free him and let him go.A m sure someone out there will love him dearly for whom he is.Every man mustn't be rich before getting married,we are not God..once again free the young man and let him go...
ReplyDeleteYou don't feel like you have a boyfriend and you are still with him,he stays all day watching movies and you don't say nothing,he already sees you as the money bag and he will be the house husband,just get a hold of your self and tell him it's over,don't marry him out of Pity and regret tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteSpark is important in a relationship . Even me can't feel the spark in my relationship. If you feel he is not the one for you, let him go
ReplyDeleteLol...buy spark plug.
DeleteLol... pay your NEPA bill, spark go enter.
Deletelol
DeleteTouch a naked wire, spark go show
DeleteAll I see is you don't believe in him and his little beginning business, free the poor lad abeg, by the time he's successful, then you will realize how much you love him
ReplyDeleteYou are indeed the son of a wise king. This here is just the truth
Deletedont mind them, when money comes then they start fighting to come back, like the cookey lady. They dont want to build with any man, thats why they always enter trap.
DeleteThe man watching movies during the day is not planning for success at all. Let us stop guilt tripping these girls to settle for suffer head life and stop deceiving slackers into thinking one day them go hamma! If you are not laying the foundation/sowing the seed today, what do you expect to reap tomorrow.
DeleteAnon 16:42, GBAM!!!
DeletePoster let him go.
ReplyDeleteTell the young man you don't see yourself settling down with him, so you can both move on.
ReplyDeleteWho know maybe you're the one blocking his blessings. Abeg go now.
If woman no love you you suppose know as a guy man, even b4 she says it, i don free her.
DeleteI hope you won't eventually marry him out of pity, it'll be a very unhappy marriage
ReplyDeleteMadam poster you simply not into this guy bcoz he is poor, he has not made it. If this guy was a millionaire doing fine in his business u wouldn't have sent in this chronicle.
ReplyDeleteLemme not be too harsh ,if the problem is that you don't love him & don't feel any spark around him then forget him, break up & never look back again. Simple, what's confusing you here na? Mature woman like you? I bet you obviously feeling like you are old & if you leave him u risk starting a relationship with another guy that might not lead to marriage.
Take those thoughts out of your head/mind. Focus on u(what u like & want & need in your life) don't do what you will regret in future. Don't worry when one door closes another opens. Good luck poster .
Breakup with him and stand your ground.
ReplyDeleteIf this man should meet a friend of his in the USA who helps him to relocate, will you be writing this chronicle?
ReplyDeleteI am not in any way telling you to marry someone who you "are not in love with". I asked the above question to help
you define what you call "love".
You want to know what they call love?
DeleteJust give them enough money and promise to relocate abroad with them.
Or just tell them that your uncle abroad has been begging you to relocate
but you have not gone because of her. She will be chanting love love love
please dear follow your heart
ReplyDeleteComplete the quote na
Delete". . .but know that in everything, God will bring you to judgment".
Ecclesiastes 11:9
Don't marry him out of pity! Walk away now before it is too late. Plus marriage without money is difficult my sister I don't wish anyone that. Good luck
ReplyDeleteSister, laziness in a man is very off putting. Do not get deceived into waiting on a man who does not seem to want to work hard. It is important to note that marriage is not just about the butterflies. Men are VERY practical and logical about their choices on who to marry. Women are very emotionally led. He makes me soooo happy, I love him does not make a good husband. How is he as a man, is he the type of man you want your sons to emulate? Is he the kind of man your daughters will use as an example? Is he ambitious enough to build a comfortable life with you for your kids? When the storms of life hit, is he resourceful to find a way with you so you struggle sensibly? Yes, money comes and goes but a resourceful couple never go hungry. A man who lacks ambition is a big burden. Do not get deceived by these men who will say you are not patient.
ReplyDeleteNow, if this man has a good attitude and is ambitious then give it time...he will succeed.
Lastly, if you are not feeling him...leave him alone and be very stern about it. No one should guilt you into staying with them. You are a grown woman and you should own your decisions (it also shows seriousness in you).
Poster please follow this advice.
DeleteThis chronicle kinda reminds me of d film Acrimony.....
ReplyDeleteHmmmm.... Why do I feel the poster is in for Acrimony season2?
ReplyDeleteMy dear don't manage this relationship. it haff do. I hate lazy unresourceful people. How can a grown man sit all day watching just only movies? And worse still you dont love him. Free him and be firm about it. Don't let him beg you into taking him back. Maybe when you leave his eyes will clear to go and hustle.
ReplyDeleteNa wa. All i typed vanished.. Puffing browser bawo..😠.. Poster u re lucky all i typed vanished... Leave man alone nd stop d pity party.. .
ReplyDeleteBroke men can always love with all their heart and soul. Once they hit big gbam!!! Their true color come out. Lord you know how I pray every day not to end up with a poor man. Bikono don't let no broke man come my way.
ReplyDeleteAunty don't let no broke man guilt trip u into any shitty marriage oooh. I have zero respect for broke lazy men.
That is the spirit my sister Ride on!!!!! Money na love where one can use vacations, Spa, correct ride, big mansion as consolation. Who love help? those that were loving no b still cheat den cheat on them? Abegi!!!!
DeletePoster, if you don't love this man, please free him like a 'bird'and let him 'fly' to the available ' nest'.
ReplyDeleteAll the best.
Hmmmmmmm....this was my situation before i stupidly married out of pity. Guess what happened....I couldn't continue torturing myself. I left the marriage of barely a year. Poster never ever marry any body man or woman out of pity. Its a disaster
ReplyDeleteBut if the bros hit jackpot(correct money) now your love will grow pass the one in Indian movies. Na guys no dey hear go hustle make correct money but NO!! una go dey love up.
ReplyDelete