Stella Dimoko The Fate Of Children In Abusive Marriages...


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Saturday, March 02, 2019

The Fate Of Children In Abusive Marriages...

I tip this as a must read,Please read through if the Headline suggests that you are sitting on this table.....


Hi Stella,

 I feel angered anytime I hear about women who are afraid to leave their abusive marriages and they say it's because of their kids. They need to be enlightened. There's a plethora of mental illnesses associated with children who grew up in such environment. (I'm sure one day the posts on Mental health in IHN will cover that)

Staying in such a violence riddled environment does more harm to the children. There's a simple solution. Leave! Along with your children. Get them away from there as fast as you can.

In Nigeria, the law is always on the side of the woman when it comes to the children in a home with clear evidence of domestic violence. And I'm not saying this as a lawyer, I'm saying this as a guy who over ten years ago witnessed his parents' divorce proceedings first-hand.

Firstly if a child is over 12 years of age, he/she has the legal capacity to testify in the open court and decide which of their parents they'd like to live with. Now, if one of the parent is actually abusive, it's not rocket science to figure out whom the child would choose. 

If the child is below the age of 12, he/she has no such capacity but the court once again is always very reluctant in separating a child from it's mother especially at that age.
So based on these circumstances, my mother had full custody of my siblings and I.

Did I hear someone whisper that where would she start from?... Hmmmm.....
When my mother left her abusive marriage she didn't have anything other than the clothes on her back. No degree, no job nothing but she took us along with her. All 5 of us! 

We kept jumping from one relative's house to the other, church, and family friends until things got better. Life was really hard I must say Hmmmm All Glory to God for how far we have come. I can tell you that each one of us is a formidable force in our various careers.

I am grateful to God everyday that my mother left him. If she didn't, she would have been dead. If she left us with that him, Lord alone knows what we would have become by now.

So please to every woman out there who has doubts, don't stay because of your children.
Leave because of them.
Leave with them. 

And if you are a strong woman as I believe to God that you are, they'll thank you for it one day.

Domestic violence (and I'm not talking about couple arguments that happen every now and then, I mean actual life threatening brutal violence) messes up the mind of a child more than anything you can ever imagine. 

I believe children who lived through such can tell you of their pain. Many of them live with PTSD
I only hope and pray that no one ever has to go through such.
The victim of domestic violence is not just the person to whom such act is metted on, but the children as well.

God bless you.

*Kids that witness Domestic Violence end up becoming victims as well and some end up as Abusers because they think it is normal....Most women settle for less because that what they saw their mothers do!!!
Thank you for sharing this writeup!!!


  1. Replies
    1. I remember when I summoned up courage to leave my abusive gay husband. Everyone kept saying "ahhhh, so your children will not grow up with a father and Bla Bla Bla. Making it look like that is automatic ticket to destruction.
      I am happy today and grateful to God for helping me mould them into compassionate, spiritually and mentally sound kids. Most parents approach me in church and say "you and your husband must tell us how you did it. Most of them don't know my story. I doubt if I would have been in a good mental state to even raise them up if I remained in that marriage. I would have ruined there lives by staying because of my kids" . Good thing was that they haven't even deleveloped any relationship with him before I left cos they were barely 14months.
      This life race is per head. Sometimes we need to be alive to raise our kids. Most parents are just moving corpse raising kids.

    2. Stella, please make this post into a series, it's very, very important. Too many women are making this mistake

  2. I'm from abusive marriage.. Its makes me know what I want,what I will never take,why marriage is not a do or die...the only way its affected me is,if u dare hit me I must hit u back..

    1. And if the person hits you even harder that you dont get opportunity to hit back nko? Or you hit him and he collapses and dies nko?

    2. Thanks dear you spoke my mind...i can't settle for what my mum did

    3. Sharon is right, Sapphire

  3. Most men settle for less because they lack the financial wherewithal to go for the class of women that are worthy during that period of time.

    So to all my kings out there, do not marry a female due to manipulation from society, church or the woman herself.

    Build yourself and choose a female that's worthy in character and finance. Choose a female that's ready to be an adult. Not a woman that wants to be a sub-adult.

    If you fail to do your due deligence and hurry to marry a downgrade due to society's pressure, you would have put yourself in a position to be harassed, insulted, abused and violated. At which point you'd be trapped.
    If you defend yourself, that's Violence against women.
    If you insult her back, that's Violence against women.
    If you go to the police, they'll laugh at you.
    If you go to the media as a last resort (like Gbenro), you'll be called a weak man.
    If you go to court, you'll lose custody of your kids.

    So, guys, never marry down. Marry a woman that has more to lose than you.

    1. I'm a woman but I have to agree with this. Most domestic violence cases are started by women.

    2. You have a point

    3. Seems you hate women

    4. Good advice for the guys. They need it too.

    5. I am woman with zero tolerance and I agree with you. But your point should be marry RIGHT not marry up or down the scale. There is no scale to it. She can be from either a poor or rich back ground.
      Things to look out for:
      - What motivates or inspires her
      - Her relationship and herself abd others.
      - Her self worth and respect.
      -Her view of life.
      This list is not exhaustive but start from there.

    6. 14:47, you're the MVP! I've heard a lot of my friends say they regret marrying their wives. Some of these women haven't done any wrong, but these men came to realise after they'd come out of their financial challenges that these women aren't compatible with them. They loathe these innocent wives. They refuse going home after work. They don't ever bring their wives to our social gatherings. Many of them married because of what you mentioned up there. Pressure from parents, society, and sometimes, the girls themselves. I always tell guys never to date a woman they can't marry. If you want to scraff, scraff and leave. Don't remain there. Pressure from family or society might push you into making rash decisions. You'll be like " there's nothing wrong with her, after all she's a woman too". That'd be the beginning of a lifetime of regrets. It is good not to consider marriage until you've properly developed yourself. Love shouldn't even be on the card. The most important factor is compatibility. A girl of same social, educational, financial and intellectual wavelength. I will never marry down. That's one of the main reasons marriages fail. You need a partner that operates on the same frequency as you. They can always fill every void if you aren't available. Nobody should feel used in a relationship. It should be thoroughly symbiotic. Forget all that love talk, it isn't a priority. Meet someone like you in every aspect. 15:34, thank you for that objective contribution. Most domestic violence cases are triggered by women. They dish out slaps and various forms of assault until the man has had his fill. The moment he reacts, she rushes to the society to scream 'blue murder".

    7. Yes. Marry right. Good advice for both men and women. Dont settle. Class is everything. Let dogs marry fellow dogs. Let gutter man find gutter woman. Let the self respecting and classy find their type.

    8. Caesar
      So many nacked/straffed & hooked
      Leave story

      Everything, I mean Everything had consequences

      You pay now
      Or pay later

      But you must pay!

  4. Most women have this mentality that once they answer Mrs there's no going back so they stay and receive all kinds of abuse.I pray women learn and know when they need to leave for their sake and the safety of their kids.

  5. I grew up in one of such homes, my mum and dad were always fighting. Always!!! It was something the full street knew about, everyone on the street knew. When they fight you’ll hear neighbors saying this people have come again. Back then, I and my siblings used to be the refree, we’ll cry and try to separate them but at a point we started ignoring them. It got so bad that whenever they fight, nobody comes out of their rooms to try to separate them, we increase the volume of our tv instead.
    I love my dad to death, he’s a good man. He isn’t proud of anytime they fight, I’ve seen my dad cry just because he lost control. My mum has a very sharp and abusive mouth, full of curses. She will curse you over the slightest mistakes. She even goes as far as going outside naked to curse my dad, not just my dad, even we, her children. I can’t blame my father, there’s only so much someone can take. Most of the time, she instigates the fight. She will insult my dad to nothing, yet be the first to throw blow. My dad has suffered o. I won’t lie. At a point, they considered divorce. I wasn’t in support because I was really young and I didn’t want to leave my dad (now I wish I agreed to the divorce) my mum even cheated on my dad and the man still forgave her. My dad has never cheated on my mum. He said he made a vow to God on the day he married my mum that he would never cheat and he says in proudly that if he hasn’t done anything in his life, he has at least so far kept his vow to God.
    I grew up emotionally damaged. I have never kept a single boyfriend all my life. I date multiple guys at once. I have no plans of getting married, even though I am engaged. My fiancé has been there for me, I won’t lie. Our relationship started very rocky. I used to be very violent. I hit him in the slightest provocation, he had bruises all over his body, yet he still stayed and helped me work through my anger. One of those many days I hit him, he beat me back. Lol. That was the only time he hit me and that was what made my head reset. Now I’m careful not to raise my hands on him again. After he hit me that day, I ended things with him. He still came begging. He begged for 3 months. His excuse was he hit me because he wanted me to know how it feels. He promised never to lay his hands on me again but I’m scared, what if it repeats itself? It’s been two years now and we are engaged but I’m still scared. I most definitely don’t want to be like my mum, I don’t want a marriage like my parents either. Heck, left to me I want to remain single. I am a better person now, I am no longer violent, I spoke to a therapist and my fiance stood by me all through.
    Sorry my story is disjointed. I’m just writing as it’s coming to my mind

    1. Sorry but you are just like your mother.

    2. If your desire is to be single, please do. I know our society wants to make every woman into a wife, but not everyone need to be a wife. With your story, please be single and let him know, until you are ready. Sorry about your childhood.

    3. The solution to any problem is to recognise you have a problem.
      ...glad your fiance stood by you through the therapy. Make a conscious effort to always snap out of anger-breathe in and out before speaking or replying anyone. Some people don't even deserve a reply.
      This method has worked for me severally.
      You will be fine.

    4. Please does nothing good about a man that beats hus wife. Nonsense. Hopefully you dont settle for less with this mentality

    5. I'll go Anon on this. I was about 8yrs old when my parents separated finally. There has always been distance between dad worked on another city while mum also worked in another city., But dad was always coming to visit. My dad's family never liked my mum because she is a Christian, dad's Muslim..they never wanted the marriage but dad was/is stubborn man. Worse still, she kept having us girls. My paternal grandma was always accusing my mum of visiting babalawo houses & that always caused fights. Eventually, my mum left to another city after irreparable fights & accusations of cheating.
      My dad took custody of me leaving my youngest ones with my mum. Within 10yrs, about 3women had numerous kids for him.
      Ha!! I suffered ehn.. I went to good schools oo, had good clothes but the emotional & psychological suffering no be here. Eventually, none of the women could live with him because they couldn't cope with his ways. The women were toooo much.. girlfriends here & there.

      I gained admission to uni closer to my mum's state of residence. My dad always frowned at my going to see her, at a point, he wanted to stop my education & I feigned suicide. Threatened to expose him to the world that he couldn't take care of me despite his good job & businesses. That was when he took me serious. Well I graduated, went for service, now I'm working & also advancing in my education.
      My relationship with my mum is intact but with my dad.. we're just cordial for cordiality sake.

      Left to me, I don't ever want to get married. Whenever I visit him, there's always a new woman by his side in his house. My mum on the other hand remained unmarried. I've gone for counseling sessions & I keep being told it's because of my upbringing. I had lots of relationships in school that ended abruptly. Every man that comes close to me, I ended blanking out because I get suspicious of him cheating..they always cheat. My old man was never physically abusive, he has never raised this hands on any of us but this man swears like there's no tomorrow, he rains curses like no man's biz, he abuse verbally that I also started abusing everyone around me till my friends started cautioning me to stop it.
      He was always putting us down, comparing me with people who graduated before me..many times I run back to school without telling him because I got tired of his constant verbal abuse. He ends up punishing me by not picking my calls, not sending money. He doesn't care if we're on holiday, if I want to go home, I call him to ask for permission then he'll give me date. Ha!! I suffered.

      Now, to hell with marriage. I just want to have kids & be everything for them.

      God is the only one I'm holding onto to redeem me

    6. Hi dear, it's really sad how you're hurting. Since you've started seeing a therapist, give it time and have faith. However, your fiance hitting you back is worrisome, he too might be fighting his demons so I'll suggest you heal properly first before making a commitment. Lots of hugs. Send me a mail if you need to talk.

    7. Go ahead and get married. You'll make it

  6. Just in case of my friend's husband,who witnessed his mum being abused, and tagged it she was sturborn.

  7. Its not easy leaving. I left last week and my girls won't stop crying. The one room I got is in a ghetto area but I have my peace. I'm trying to put things in place. I know we would survive. Jobs are not forthcoming but with my handwork we will survive. That's what keeps me moving the survival instinct. I only need a sewing machine because I need to make ends meet before I find my feet. I'm hiding in a remote area where he will never imagine I will be. Even my sim is broken. I must live for my kids. No parents to run to but I know Jesus will see me through.

    1. Almighty God who took you out of there will stay with you and your kids.

      You are on the path to greatness. Keep strong, keep sane and keep safe.

    2. Just give them time, they will soon get used to it my dear. Mine were always falling sick so much that people said I should take them back to their father so they won't die, but today they are coping well. We drink garri together, no problem anymore. I just make sure they eat beans three times a week.

    3. Even if all you could find was a cave it would be better than staying in an abusive home. My mother never left until I got involved in the matter, and my father locked us out of the house after I called the police on him and never let us back in. The sad part about it is that all those years she stayed in an abusive relationship has turn her in many ways into a bully. She doesn't even realizes the things she says and does or the darkness in her spirit even though she is in church and positions herself as spiritually evolved.. I am a self destructive person, because I was used to being beaten for no good reason and verbally assaulted putting me down day in day out, even now as an adult I need to punish myself for nothing, so I destroy everything good all the time, I am totally self-destructive and I know exactly why I am that way. You children may be in poverty but their mental and spiritual state will be intact which will make them well adjusted adults in the future. You are doing the right thing, never doubt yourself for leaving. Time is the truth and you will live to see that you did right, just push on and hold the faith.

    4. Anon 19.37

      Half of your problem is solved when you know you have a problem

      Deep breathing exercises
      Mindful meditation focusing on calmness allowed you to become calmer from within
      Everyday do this

      One day you became self destructive

      One day you stop being self destructive and become free

      Keep going forward
      GOD will see you through and reform your very being

      Trust me , HE knows what you have been through and perfectly how to heal you in Jesus Name, Amen

      Trust GOD and Do good Always

      HE will fill you with peace beyond ALL Human understanding

  8. Domestic violence is all shades of wrong

  9. Even emotional abuse damages kids in many ways.
    My MIL was a victim of abuse from FIL and his relatives, yet she stayed, for reasons best known to her. She seemed to believe that a woman should endure whatever her husband does, and her children seem to think so too. One would expect my hubby to learn from the way his mother suffered, but he obviously never learnt anything. He expects me to tolerate all his excesses and cheating all in the name of being a "good wife".
    His sister (SIL) surprised me when she blamed a woman who left her husband because of domestic violence for leaving. In her words, "Why didn't she endure it?". I was shook.
    The greatest damage DV does to children is to make them think it's normal.

    1. Some stay for cultural and religious reasons, but mostly because they had no money and were totally dependent on hubby. Plus there is no spousal support and child support in event of a divorce. That's why 'empowerment' is very important. Empowerment simply means making people financially independent. Imagine if a man will dare beat a Linda Ikeji or Toke Makinwa. No cos they have money. Money is power.

    2. They are damaged and you too have low self worth. Continue to endure nonsense till you get HIV

    3. I don't think it is normal. Those children are batshit crazy. I have always known it was wrong, but when I think back on my childhood and I remember doing so much to be liked, giving my father anything, no child should be walking on eggshells in their home or afraid to go home after school. When that door is shut in the evenings you feel like you are in a prison not a home. You are so afraid all the time because you do not know what will happen, what wrong thing you will say or do that will cause the problem this time. So you are living constantly in a state of high stress, you cannot relax you cannot truly be free. I remember my aunt telling me that a neighbour had to come and take me away from my father at three or four years old because he was beating me so bad and she truly felt he might kill me right there. I don't remember the episode, but I can only imagine the stress and pain of that experience. My father is a misogynist and he beat me and my mother like there is no tomorrow, mentally she is messed up, and I am messed up too. I date guys who I find a major fault with because I know that it will have to end, and if I do really like a guy and he likes me I will create a situation where he will find me utterly repulsive and move on. I know I do all these things, but I do not think I will ever be 100% at peace living with a man behind closed doors. Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian because it would be so much easier, but I am not, so I continue to repeat my patterns. Any mother who think raising children in an abusive home so they can be raised with their father need to meet ppl like me, they will think twice about it.

    4. Break the cycle
      Reach for GOD
      Cry out to HIM to fix you

      HE CAN and HE will

  10. Thank God my mum left and took us with her.

  11. I came home one day from work and my mum showed me what my dad did to her (her left eye was swollen, Red and she had bags under her eye). She said he kept punching the eye and giving her slaps. They have been married for 28years and this is the first time he hit her .
    I ddnt know what to say or do but I was really hurt and i cried, I ddnt confront him. I just stopped talking to him and this is somebody I really love (I’m a daddy’s girl)
    She said she was gonna leave him but I told her not to!(how can she just end a marriage of 28years just like that)
    But i know he won’t try it AGAIN, becus my Bro told him he’s Gonna Kill him if he tries it Again..

    1. You’re part of the problem. What do you mean and a marriage of 28years just like that. That’s the mentality that keeps women in abusive marriage. What does the age have to do with. How do know she didn’t suffer for those 28years. Rubbish

  12. Personally, I hate that I am staying because of my children word. Anyways, I think some women stay because they have no source of income to cater for themselves and their children.
    Most of these children that experienced domestic violence are always aggressive, some can't even believe love when experience it and they feel every where is out there to take advantage of them.
    It is not just the mother that suffers. Their children go through pain to. Some of these children even try to get validation from people because of this and fall into the wrong hands in the process.

  13. Yes, am a witness to an abusive marriage. I saw a lot of fighting in my parent marriage.
    At the end, mother moved out but without us. My Sister sought for love in the wrong places as it was lacking in the home,so any boy who hugs her was love to her.
    I craved for love too but cant get till now. My brother finds it difficult to love a woman as he see marriage as useless. He is still not married at 44. No child.

    My older sister who is over 40yrs now and still not married fell into wrong hands and got messed up at the age of 14..and by the time she turned 18 or so has had 3children fron different guys who never owned up to the pregnancies. Her own daughter too started getting pregnant at 16. Has 2boys. My niece is just 19 with 2 kids already. All because of bad foundation.

    Yes, Mother failed in her responsibility to carter for her children cause she was bitter about our father and felt we will be as loveless as father so she did not want to waste her time and money on us. Or taking us along with her.
    We all grew up hatting our parents and the idea of marriage.
    Am still yet to get over it as I find it difficult to love a man. Am in my 30s, Still looking for Mr perfect.

    1. Wow.... May the good Lord perfect all that concerns you.

    2. God will show you and your siblings mercy. Please move close to God,only he can help you. Cheers

  14. I am also a product of an abusive marriage but this time the abuser was my mom and my Dad the victim, yet he refused to let go. If nagging and cursing could kill he would have died and we would have died too. She nags from sunrise to sunset and I mean till this morning, provoked or not my dear we have suffered. It sometimes got physical and we were not spared. Sometimes when I read people complain of their abusive mother's, I just laugh. They never chi chunchin I don't think any can be compared to what we have experienced. Is it manifesting in us even as adults yes, my sisters and I are Tigress and everyone has anger issues. Don't get it wrong,we see any form of attack from anyone as an abuse and react. We sometimes resent my father for being weak and not sending her away. It's all good now we are used to it. I hate anyone who shouts because I see you as a nag and I swear I will never spare any nag in this life. If you have nagging issues then you are mad, go to Psychia and stop disturbing the living.

  15. I read this in tears,for my three boys aged 6 4 and 1.They all libe daddy but I can't stay.They were all looking at him today when he was insulting me to shreds.God help me.I am leaving.He won't let me go with them but I will get custody next week God's willing

    1. God will help you. Whatever you do,please dont leave without them. Fight to the finish till you can go with them. It is well with you

    2. A big advice to you:
      If you don’t go with now ,you might never have their custody again.You might only have access.This is Nigeria.

    3. Why can’t you run away with them?

  16. I grew up in a very abusive and DV environment, my parents were fighters, brutal, dad with break mims head with a bottle, she would stab him, it was show time for neighbors, today they are in their 60s n calm, my brother is married, he detest the life my parents live, his wife had a quick tongue, for sanity sake they separated, came back after much begging with a promise to change, 4months later, d quarrels began, my brother had to leave d apartment for peace to reign, long story short, he wants our now for good, she's back to begging him again, but he's adamant now, she even begs him to hit her so she can respect him, can u imagine? She says he's too weak to be a man, I have invited him over to my country of residence, in 2months time, he will come over and I plan not to let him go back, and no child between them yet, if I don't take care of my younger brother, who will? She can live with our parents, when she's tired of waiting, she can sign d divorce papers n be free, nobody should give my kid bro high bp.

  17. Stella, we begged my mother to leave, she said God hates divorce, guess where she is today? Grave. Died just as I was about to enter university, suffered all her life, absent husband who goes around sleeping with small girls and sharing money but at home, we were always hungry. My father told me to my face that I will be a crayfish seller, guess where God’s mercy and my mothers prayer has kept me today? Till today, I still look at men through the lenses of that horrible example even though I have had many good men in my life. I sometimes see myself being mean to men even when they don’t deserve. Women, mothers - if you’re staying, it’s only for your silly selfish ego and fear of what people will say, stop hiding behind children because you damage us more. I love my late mother to bits but I still hate that she made us go through what we went through. Today, he begs before he sees my face, I’ve forgiven but I can never forget.

  18. Some even say that their husband is a bad husband but a good father claiming that the children will miss him if they leave. That one na one more excuse to remain with their captor.
    How can a man who abuses the mother of his children either physically or emotionally be a good father? SMH

    1. You are obviously not married

  19. Naija people please stop stigmatising single mums and children from divorced families na! This will allow many people to leave these terrible relationships where their kids continue the cycle of abuse.

  20. Also, please quit calling unmarried men & women names. You don't know what they have been struggling with almost all their lives.

  21. Gosh! Horrible stories. I have never experienced DV in my life.May God heal you all going through pain.

  22. See me in tears reading through the comments.
    I didn't want to leave too despite the beatings. Reading what the kids from such homes passed through and still passing through, I now thank God that we left or rather we were pushed out. Seeing the testimonies of how rough it was in the beginning and where the kids are today, I have hope that we will all come out with gratitude to God in years to come. For now, the struggle to survive continues. May God spare my life and that of my children so our testimony will be complete.

  23. I am from an abusive home. I and my younger siblings watch my father abuse my mum physically, emotionally, mentAlly, financially, spiritually. Oh God, that man deserves a special seat in hell. But I have forgiven him.
    And this attitude really opened my eyes when it comes to being in a relationship. I can't stand an abusive relationship and friendship. I try to be at peace with everyone. Even tho years back, I battled mood swings, getting irritated easily, snapping when it's not necessary and the likes. With the help of God and self discipline I'm working on myself and my sisters.
    The part where people always say abusers end up as victims as well is so scary.
    I'm trusting God that I and my sisters will not be a victim in Jesus name.
    I refuse to.settle for less and I won't settle for less.

  24. Nigerian law in some case like mine was not favourable to me. l left my marriage cause my husband was abusive. I left my kids of 3 and 5yrs cause I was jobless. I went to court for custody of my boys and divorce. well it took the Nigerian court 3yrs to judge my case cause my husband was actually bribing his way through. finally he had custody of them and am left with nothing. I also left cause I wanted my boys not to grow up in such an abusive marriage. they might end up hating their dad for what he does or eventually become abusive themselves.

    1. You still don’t get how it works.
      Once you leave your kids behind,you are likely to loose the custody.Once a parent already has the custody,it is difficult to give to another parent because this can affect the kids involved emotionally.
      So sorry

    2. He didn't bribe, you didn't do the right thing leaving them. They had bonded and were used to the environment it is hard to take them away especially if you didn't have a job . This is why they say leave with your kids

  25. What am I reading?
    We even have Self destructive bvs here too? No wonder we have so many bitter and pained bvs, Snapping at any little provocation, cussing and swearing anyhow. May God visit your souls.

    Women! women! women!
    How many times did I call you?
    Leave abusive marriages eeeeh!
    It destroys your children mentally and psychologically.
    I read on one in house gist where one of you said her horseband was a good father to his kids but brings her down and beats her in the presence of these same kids, hianest!
    How can a good father beat his wife? The mother of his kids?

    Y'all have been messed up badly with beatings.
    I'm sure he hits your head on the wall and it has affected your brain. You need epp! A good father and bad horseband indeed! Mtsheeeew

    1. the veiled mockery of hurting women is totally unnecessary.

      Fuck you

  26. Nigerians wake up!

    Narcissists are everywhere
    BPD is everywhere
    Sociopaths and Psychopaths are everywhere
    Dont be deceived!

    Don't deceive yourself or let others deceive you

    Only GOD knows what is lying inside fine body and big bank account

    If the inlaws to be are crazy
    Be careful to see and consider that RED FLAG

    If you are the crazy one , work on yourselves FIRST

    Dont wrap shit up or accept shit as present

    Be mindful!
    Wrong marriage can start destruction in motion that several generations after the pains are still felt and the effects are seen.

    Make the right decisions only being led by the ONE who knows THE END from the BEGINNING.


  27. Courtship is not how many rounds
    Fooling yourselves up and down

    It is hard questions, observing and prayers!
    Fasting sef

  28. No one prays to be in such a situation, but should one find themselves in such, the excuse of 'staying because of the kids' causes more harm than good.

    You only need to see and speak with adults who grew up in such environment to know the effect it has on them. They mostly end up replicating it in their lives because it's the normal they are used to.

    Reading or listening to some of the advice people give concerning rships/marriage either on this forum or in real life gives you a glimpse of what they saw growing up and how it has shaped their mentality as adults.

  29. My mother stayed for years receiving physical and verbal abuse. He sent her away a number of times for no reason, just because he could.She would come begging so that we would not suffer with my dad.He would send her away, keep us in the house with very little to eat.She never told her family the state of things but they knew and begged her to take us and leave. Even promised to take care of her. His family never said a word. We the kids were not spared. He hit us,emotional it and my mother could do nothing. We knew she could not protect us, she was helpless and most times she took the brunt for us opting to take the beating. Looking back, I think my father was unstable or a psychopath. He would be nice for a while and then go berserk. It was stressful.

    We were model kids, shinning among our peers but he always put us down. My mom was our greatest fan and kept pushing us, building our confidence. She is the reason we didn't fall apart as kids. We were knitted closely and protected each other and we are up till today. We avoided doing anything that would aggravate my dad
    The perfect kids and worked on eggshells
    I am the last by a wide margin and my siblings tell me I am the lucky one. I had it bad but they had it even worse. We have all been disowned at various times for nothing o. It was turn by turn, we even joked about it. And then he would turn around and accuse you of deserting. It was crazy. As we got older, we started standing up to him and most importantly started protecting my mom from all that.

    In one of his crazy moments he kicked us all out for no reason, actually disowned all of us. There was no quarrel, nothing. We (the entire family) were to move into our own house which my sister who was working contributed greatly to and then that happened. This time we teamed together, enough with the bullshit and keeping up appearances,and left with just our clothing with my mum. It was a difficult time. Two of my siblings were in the university. My mom had nothing, she had been giving him her salary and took care of us with earnings from her side hustles. He cheated on her many times with married women who were family friends. She knew but never confronted him. We had no idea.She had just retired, so he timed it well. She had nothing when he sent us away
    My sister was our saviour.

    Then this man went around telling everyone that my mother ran away with his children. I was 17 and the youngest!
    We all ignored him and his drama and acted like he is dead. We had been taking all his shit because my mum refused to leave and we didn't want to leave her in that toxic marriage. Then he lost everything and became broke. Got entangled with a widow with kids who milked him dry. Now this same relatives that never said a word then are disturbing us to forgive and forget. The man is still not repentant and still tries to do the whole emotional blackmail. My siblings have moved on. My mum still has a soft spot, she holds no grudges and still assists him financially in little ways and begs us to forgive and help him too.The marriage is over for her though, no moving back or getting back together. She just has a good heart.We try for her sake. She is a saint.


  30. With all her efforts to protect us as kids, we all have scars that have affected us. Each in their own way and we know where it is from and each deals with it in their own way. Especially with respect to relating either the opposite sex and a few other psychological issues. I struggle with serve depression and is suicidal. I only pray my brothers dont ever at like him. I have started seeing signs in one of my brothers. I have commitment issues and keep making excuses for people. I am a people pleaser to my own detriment
    My sister has sworn off marriage and trusts no one. Who knows what else she is dealing with? We have kept these away from my mom because she would blame herself
    for not being better. She takes the blame for everything

    Luckily, because of my mum's peeping we all high level of confidence and are doing ok career wise because we want to be better. One good thing we got from him is his high intelligence.

    I asked my mum why she married him in the first place and she never says anything tangible. Why did she not leave early in the marriage, she stayed because of us. She didn't want us growing up with just one parent. Also she didn't want to leave him to suffer. She is a very nice person and will always think of others first.

    We are only grateful she didn't lose her life in all this. She had so many health challenges and got better when we left. And she is our life, we do everything to make her happy

    Please dont just think about yourself and keeping up appearances, think of your kids who will grow up with issues and the cycle continues. It's not easy to leave, true but think of the fate of these kids.

    This is the first time I am talking about this. It is all over the place as I wrote as memories came flooding in

    1. In other words, your mother is a weak woman. Hopefully you do not inherit that weakness from her.

  31. My dad is the worst person on planet earth, he cheats on my mum, hit her & us, steal her money, castigate her, he brought out all the properties in our house & burnt it into Ashes becos he didn't buy them after hitting my mom, my Mom had to leave without us, my father will keep us for 2days no food, me h my elder bros had to run away to met my Mom, who squats with a family friend, the family friend son raped me @the aged of 12+ & put me in a family way that's how I became a mother @ 13, that's how I started having kid for a man that didn't pay my bride price, he later went to do some traditional rites when am 15yrs, that's another phase of suffering for me cos he treats me like a child I am he will bring his girlfriends to our house & tell them am his maid, he will abuse me physically infront of his numerous girlfriends, God came tru for me & start blessing me financially while he got broke to the extent of been penniless, he join with his mum to fight me, steal from me, he has a special cane for me, the only good thing I did for myself was enrolling into nursing school, that's when I was taught domestic violence & I realised that I have been abused over the years, I planned my self well, save my money wella stopped buying house properties & spending lavishly @ home, I left that situationship 9yrs ago @ the age of 23yrs & I thank God I did. Today 2 of my kids are done with secondary sch & am greatful to God, we live in our own house, solve our problems without anyone insulting my parents marital status, or me. Though I wished I could be loved more, I seek love sometimes but am getting wiser now

    1. You are a very brave woman. The Lord is your strength. True love will surely locate you.

    2. You are a strong woman, may God continue to bless the work of your hands.


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