Stella Dimoko Korkus.com: Chronicle Of Blog Visitor Narrative....

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Tuesday, July 02, 2019

Chronicle Of Blog Visitor Narrative....

Hmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!









STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
THIS IS CLOSURE-TIME TO GROW


Hello Stella,

I have been following the viral rape Saga. I have also been reading lots of people’s opinions on it. It brings up bitter memories that I have been trying to suppress all my life. The abuse I suffered as a child in the hands of people that were meant to protect me.

I was abused at the age of 6 years by my father’s cousin. He was always putting his fingers in my private part and as a child I couldn’t tell anyone. My mother was very strict and I was afraid that she would kill me if she gets to find out. I started avoiding him whenever he came to the house. I summoned up courage one day and bit his fingers so hard that it bled. Since then, he left me alone and eventually stopped coming to the house. 


I met him again on Saturday when I visited my hometown with my husband to attend a burial in their compound. He was all over us, trying to play the role of a good host. I don’t know if he was pretending or if he has forgotten about what he did to me as a child. I honestly felt like telling one of our mobile police orderlies to shoot him dead. I have never told anyone about the abuse, not even my dear husband.


At 8 years, the “brother” called Christopher in our block rosary crusade started his. He was always forcing his lips on mine in the name of kissing me. As a child, I was very quiet. I was always buried in my books. May be that was why nobody knew the agony I was passing through. I was afraid of telling anybody about it because I wasn’t sure what the outcome will be. He kept telling me how beautiful I was and how he wants to make me his. Then one day I remembered how I bit my father’s cousin and warned this “brother” not to ever touch me again. I actually threatened him with a knife. He stopped but went about telling people that I was possessed. Some people actually started avoiding me because of the stories he told them about me.


At 10 years, our neighbor Fidelis who my parents trusted so much started his by squeezing my breasts. I felt pain whenever he did that. I always wondered what was wrong with me. I have 2 older sisters who I don’t think experienced these abuses. My father was always not around as his business was in another state. He loved us so much but I still couldn’t bring myself to open up to him because I was afraid of how he would react. I also don’t know if they would believe me seeing that they trusted him so much. 


I actually fasted and prayed for him to stop. One day, he came upstairs to our flat and seeing that my mother was busy sewing at the verandah, he came to the sitting room where I was reading and attempted to squeeze my breast again. I kicked him in his private part and ran inside. He screamed in agony and when my mother came in and asked him what was wrong, he just pretended to have running stomach and left. That was the last time he ever came to our flat. He moved out like 2 months after.


At 14 years when I was in SS1, my mother’s cousin Emmanuel came to stay with us. I was close to him like my other sisters because he defended us from everything and everybody. I felt that with him around, nobody will dare abuse me again. How wrong I was! One Friday, our parents travelled to the village, leaving myself, my siblings, our nanny and Emmanuel with us. They were to come back on a Sunday. On Saturday night, when everybody was sleeping, Emmanuel came to our room and woke me up. 


I followed him to the sitting room thinking he wanted to discuss something with me. That wasn’t the first time he would be waking me up in the night. He has severally woken me and my oldest sister up in the night before that day to discuss on how to talk to my immediate older sister who was very stubborn and always fighting in school. So that night, I didn’t suspect anything. I followed him to the sitting room. Surprisingly when we got there, he brought out his penis and asked me to massage it for him.



 I was shocked and almost screamed. He covered my mouth and was begging me to please massage it with my hands. When I bluntly refused, he started begging me to suck his penis, that I will enjoy it. At this point. I came out of my shocked state and told him i will report him to my parents. He laughed and said that nobody will believe me. He came close to me and tried forcing me to hold it, i actually held it and dragged it so hard that he screamed. I jumped into the space behind the chairs in the sitting room and laid flat on the floor. My sisters and our nanny rushed to the sitting room to know what happened. As they were asking him what happened, I quickly sneaked back into the room. I heard him lie to them that he was doing night vigil and was only praying. The following morning, he came to apologize to me that it was the work of the devil. I stopped being around him. I wept so many times because of that.

As an adult now, I still remember all these incidents. Whenever I do, I become very sad. It was as if something was wrong with me. I still have mood swings till date. I hardly make friends and I am always indoors. I have never mentioned all these to anyone. I stylishly asked my husband what he will do if he finds out that his wife was abused as a child, he said he will only tell her to move on and forget about it. I don’t know if all these abuses are the reasons why I don’t enjoy s#x. I thought it’s only females who are circumcised are the ones that don’t enjoy s#x.


 I have never experienced orgasm in my life. My husband doesn’t know because I have been faking it. I don’t know how long the mood swings, the fake orgasm and inability to enjoy sex will continue. I sincerely wish things were different. Sometimes I feel unloved, sometimes I feel something is wrong with me, sometimes I feel like opening up to someone. I sincerely wish things were different.



Thank you Stella for this platform. Now that I have opened up, I believe that I will find the closure I seek. I believe it’s time to grow. I believe it’s time to let go.

*please keep me anonymous*

Silent BV



*Indeed it is time to let go,you cannot carry this forever,let go and grow....
I wish everyone else out there with Rape stories the Grace to expand their hearts and forget the bitterness...Its time to grow!!

43 comments:

  1. My problem with rape is that it has messed me up so bad . I only enjoy violent sex as in sex that strangles with bodily pains . God help me say no to rape

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Stella you are so wrong. It doesn't go away like that you need to open up and talk to someone preferably your husband. That is what worked for me tell him the truth and let him know that sex makes you clamp up, slowly you guys can work on tour fears and the deep rooted self hate together and before you know it you will be the one chasing him about for sex and you can look at your molestors and feel nothing for them not even hate.

      Delete
    2. It is well with you anon .my best friend in Sec school masterminded my rape.!!! One out of both guys died. Another guy raped me at gun point cos I refused having sex with him. I went with a knife to his house to kill him but found out he had armed guards protecting him I hope he’s dead now

      Delete
  2. Yeah, if you have been abused, don't speak out if its past, forgive n forget, Lol, what a world.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Poster,ask God to help you to forgive your abusers through prayers so you can't forget the memories. Well for having an orgasm,you have to relax your body and mind first and be in the mood of moaning...it helps a lot and make sure you guide ur hubby on the better positions that can make it sweeter for.Another way to have an orgasm is to have sex when the urge is there but I know must husbands do no have patience at all.
    May God comfort you.

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  4. This is serious. A lot is going on in the heart of so many people, I think this is the season of tell it all..
    More to come from the victims.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Please ladies,if you experience something like this and you can't
    talk to anybody close to you, talk to
    a person far off.
    You can talk to sdk on phone. This is
    my suggestion.
    I was able to overcome mine due to two things:
    1. I talked to all that should know in the office.
    2. When I met Christ, I learned that
    I had to forgive
    just like God forgave me and I did. I did not keep these things in my heart
    and I have peace.
    3. I talk about it freely in any forum I find the opportunity. There is nothing to be ashamed of.
    The SHAME BELONGS TO THE RAPIST.

    I remember speaking out in a ladies' forum (where i later
    learned that the man's wife attended)
    and I mentioned the year and department/company. I am sure the
    man must have heard it from her.
    Till date, only he and myself know why he can't do
    shim...

    Also notice that this poster even as
    a child inflicted some subtle hurt to
    the perpetrators and the spontaneous
    responses is to truncate the process.
    That is good. Screaming is even better.
    Raise alarm and see as that them
    rods go go limp like wet thread.
    😯😯😯😯😯😯😯😯😯

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Shame belongs to the rapist, good one!!!!

      Delete
  6. Oh Poster I am so SO so sorry!

    Don't ever think that you were fault. Don't ever think that you deserved all these horrible things. Don't ever think that something is wrong with you. I am so sorry.

    Its terrible that people who should protect the young ones are the ones who are molesting them. Such a horror.

    Dear poster, I pray for you and all other rape victims that the healing hand of the Lord will reach you and heal you from the inside out. I wish I can hug you all and tell you how very precious you are. How loved. How cherished.

    You are seen. You are worthy. You deserve light and peace and joy and everything in between. I pray that you experience the Love of our Lord Jesus Christ, and may His love grant you the grace to come to the table, to approach Him and let yourself be healed.

    I am sorry. I am sorry. I am praying fro you all. For you to experience that Love that will change you and for the fire, for the spark of light in you, to be stoked because there is so much more to you. You are so much more than you past.

    The One in you is strong and so therefore, you are strong. You are strong. You are strong.

    Do not ever doubt the beauty and queen that is you. Do not ever let yourself be silenced. Do not ever cower or tremble because of this. You are worthy. You are worthy. You are so so loved.

    I am praying for you all.

    ReplyDelete
  7. May God EXCEEDINGLY punish both the rapist and ANYONE who defends the rapist. This is inhumane, haba.

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  8. You were a brave child. Thank God that helped you in many ways than one. So many others couldn’t stand up to their alleged abusers. I was very outspoken as a child as well which kept a lot of ills far from me. A cousin tried that with me as a child, ohhhh what I did to him made him rethink his entire existence. I’d use him to sing about trying to touch me, I’d dance and shout around him while he’d beg and beg. I eventually told all and sundry. He saw hell! I was outspoken and stubborn.

    Anyway, it is time to get past all of it and move on. Holding unto it would continue to steal your peace of mind. As for sex, have you tried all other ways to have an orgasm? 80% of the time, penetration doesn’t do it for me. A lot of women would attest to this as well. All the best in your marriage and with your emotions. #Hugs#

    ReplyDelete
  9. I went through such during my childhood,i was big for my age and developed breasts and saw my period from as early as age 10.It was not easy,from neighbor's,cousins,even my dad's friends each one groping and trying to get me alone to do stuff but i would find a way to escape...i thought i was possessed and it made me ashamed of my body.This is something that sticks with you no matter how much you try to repress it.I even prayed not to have female kids because of fear that i won't be able to protect them.It is well,it will get better.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Said the same prayer; pregnant with my Princess now to the glory of God. I'm going to raise her to be a warrior, in Jesus name, amen.
      ANYONE WHO DARES FUCKING LOOKS AT HER SIDEWAYS IS IMMEDIATELY DEAD. No remorse here.
      She'll NEVER know what I went through or what abuse is by God's grace, amen.

      Delete
  10. May you find the healing you seek. Please find it in you heart to forgive them. May God give you the strength to.

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  11. Never never easy. God will see us all through

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  12. It's easy for you to say 'move on' Stella. I've been there and back and I can tell you, there's no such thing. What she needs is either professional or faith based(religiosity) therapy. The former is not readily available to us in Nigeria and the latter, as we can see has failed us. Research has proven that victims get stuck and stop growing at the age the abuse take place. Regardless of this poster's age, she will always be a 6-10 year old girl at heart, living in the body of an adult. Also the longer the abuse period and the closer the relationship of the abuser, the more difficult it is to 'MOVE ON'. So it depends on those factors how easy it will be for the victim to move on. I want to suggest the poster confronts (in private) as many of her abusers as she can. She needs to let them know she's no longer the small girl they took advantage of and that if care is not taken, she would 'destroy' them. That would just be a threat though, but if carried out properly, power will change hands. The discomfort, anxiety, shame, fear and embarrassment she feels when she sees them will be reversed. Na them go they fear her anytime they see her.

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  13. Chia will I be right to say that 90% of women in Nigeria has been raped, molested or sexually abused. God help us I was almost raped but God intervened

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  14. Although, I'm a guy but I think I can totally understand d psychological state of the poster. It's well you've been able to let this out. You seems to have an understanding husband, as such, I implore you to open up to him. Being ur closest friend and confident, finding closure with him will be massive to you.
    Try to forgive the perpetuators cos in forgiving them, you'll fine the relieve and succour u deserve.
    Most importantly, talk to God about it. He's the only one who can give you all the strength you need. God bless you

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Please DO NOT TELL YOUR HUSBAND!! Even the most understanding of men can't help but think of you as spoilt or damaged though their rational mind knows it is not in anyway your fault. You were actually braver than most in that you fought back. Give yourself on the pat for that. If you can channel your hurt and anger into helping other victims of child abuse, that would also help. You could for instance encourage children in being alert and using techniques such as biting and screaming and running away. It is well with you.

      Delete
  15. Seek counseling honey
    Seek it from a stranger if you prefer
    As for not having orgasms, read and learn about your body. Work it yourself if your husband doesn’t know how to and then teach him what your body likes

    ReplyDelete
  16. Your story is similar to mine..just that in my cases I n the other kids experimented all these foolish plays e.g show me your pee pee n the rest.I was abused not penetratively, by adults, neigbhours,touching my flat breast, placing me on their erect penis,even by a paternal cousin whose family had accomodation problems sef...But in all of these,i don't think any of these was done through my vagina..Prior to my firt sex, i had romanced,kissed and experimented with few lovers.Finally disvirgined at 17..don't even think i enoyed it.i have only experienced complete orgasm once in my entire 27 years through fingering. I also fake it alot.i'm always dry .
    Basically, i'm not circumcised at all which means all these near rape ,sexual assaults and abuse has a hand in the way my sex life is right now.It kinda damaged me .Even aphrodiasics, kayanmatan sweetners and being in the mood hasn't changed anything so far.Dad and mum were strict,had aunts around yet all these rubbish still took place.The family and the society at large still has a void to fill...sexual education should be taught to kids as early as 2 years old.Parents,teacher,nannies,grannies,older siblings,cousins,pastors,imans,everyone need to inculcate the habit of educating kids on what to do if anyone touches them inappropriately.Parent should learn to trust their kids,listen to them n pay attntion to little details esp. mood swings,loss of appetite, fright when they see a particular person, disrespect to their elder etc.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Poster yours is even better they tried but did not succeed.in my own case I was molested at the age of five by our neighbour. my maternal cousin raped severally at home. I am 25 now but this has affected so much. low self esteem, scared when ever a man approaches me, rejected many suitors and I don't socialise at all.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is well with u. May God heal u.. As for low self esteem, u can try working on yourself. Read books as well

      Delete
  18. What I love about you poster is that you were such a brave little girl, always fighting for yourself even as young as you were.
    Please try and ove on, if you have to get help doing that please do.

    Hugz

    ReplyDelete
  19. Please tell your husband about it, dear poster...
    If U cant summon up courage to do so, send him this link to read...
    U cant be married and not enjoy sex, haba na!
    U haven't reached orgasm before? My goodness! That's one of the major causes of mood swings, It wont stop if U dont address it now..
    I'm saying this because U wanna drop it all and grow. Honestly, growth will be difficult unless U address this sex thingy...
    Dont let them experiences also rob U of today's fun, okay?
    I'm truly sorry about all these though, U will definately rise about them...

    ReplyDelete
  20. Madam , pls talk to psychologist and a sex therapist. They are trained to guide you into moving

    ReplyDelete
  21. I feel bad now for my sister who was raped few times and i always blamed her that it was her fault.we treated her like a leper and couldnt stand her sight cos i felt she was too soft and allowed it.I was cool but always sensed danger from afar.If i could turn back hands of time i would have helped her to feel better but instead i turned my back.poster you were brave.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. U ca'nt change the past but u can still apologise, by telling her how sorry u are .

      Delete
    2. Pls apologize to your sister. How traumatizing it must have been, for her own family to turn against her. That's why I'm enraged when people feel Busola wqs too soft and allowed it. Personalities are different. Introverts are not people who scream out, they hold a lot inside until they are choked up. Just like your sister. Most rapists target the most timid in the family. Who they know will not say a word afterwards.

      Delete
  22. I was barely 7 yrs old when i was abused by a male neighbor thrice. Somehow, the compound gets to be really empty anytime from 10am cos most people have gone out for work. The tactics he used on me was he'll call me and give me money to buy him groundnut. I was a very timid and shy girl. My mum was so harsh on me cos i was her only daughter then. She's so strict. She's more of a disciplinarian than a mother. When i go to give him the groundnut in his house (he has parent and siblings but they're also always not at home at the time of the incident), he'll ask me to lie down on the floor then he'll take down my pant, he'll take down his boxers too and he'll dry hump me but without penetration. After he's satisfied, he'll ask me to get up, wear my pant and leave. For the first time, i cried and i was too scared to speak up. I became sad and clumsy. I broke thinds accidentally in the house because i was having so much burden in my heart as a little girl. Instead of my mum to notice and talk to me about my sudden withdrawal, she'll become angry and beat me. Shout at me in a harsh manner all in the name of training her daughter and her daughter was dying inside. He used same tactics 2 other times. I couldn't tell anyone. I was scared,i blamed myself to being stupid and quiet. The fourth time, he called me as usual to get him groundnut,i summomed courage and said NO. My heart was beating heavily even as i said NO. I was too timid and scared if he'll beat me for saying NO but i said NO with all the courage i could muster. But that incident broke a piece of me and i lived with it till today. I hated men. I started practicing lesbianism with an older lady at age 10. I was loving it. Though i started dating men later. First sex i had, it was a painful penetration but there was no blood. i already told my boyfriend i was a virgin and I'm sure he didn't believe me after the sex then i explained my childhood abuse to him. Maybe the hymen was mistakenly broken then i never knew. Will be 27 soonand I get tired of men easily. I find it hard to keep a relationship and Marriage doesn't really freak me. I just want 2 kids from a man. That Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt kinda relationship they had before marriage. And i still find it so hard to forgive my mum for not being a mother and a friend when i needed her the most. Till today, my family don't know what i passed through. I still don't have that close relationship with my mum and I have this hatred somehow in my heart for her. I still have mood swings, i still want to want to sleep with a woman even though i try so hard to fight the urge. But I'm no more the timid and shy little girl. I'm more confident and matured and wiser too. I hope one day I'll get full closure but will it ever happen, i really want to.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Even a timid child has no right to be abused, that was simply your personality at that point in time. I feel so bad reading your story and pray for healing of your body, spirit and soul. Hugs.

      Please try to forgive your Mum, her intentions for you was not evil.

      Delete
    2. Oh honeyyy
      I'm sorry.
      I'm praying for all the broken and traumatized.
      Someday, I will be able to help you. I WILL.

      Delete
    3. @16:48 loud it! Even a timid child should not be abused. Should not be raped. It's not a crime to have that personality. But it is a crime to RAPE.

      Delete
    4. Your story is like mine,almost alike..could this be the reason why I find it difficult to keep a r/shp? Sometimes I just get disgusted by men..haven't never spoken abt it not even in writing cos is one chapter in my life I don't like remembering.

      Delete
  23. Poster are you me? This actually triggered buried memories. Even when those around me knew/ guessed they termed me as the loose one. I still refuse to think or talk about it

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  24. Do these guys who does these things born again,?may others are just church goers ,because you need to understand sin from God ''

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  25. Lemme go anony on this
    I was a very wild bubbly girl, always joking around and all sort!!
    Bro muri likes buying me a things, he wouldn’t send any other person errand if I wasn’t around!!
    After every close of work, I would always get something from, I don’t ask him though and I would always collect it cos I saw nothing in it..
    I was close to nine years old when he started molesting me, he would take me to his room!!
    Fondled with my breast, makes me suck his penis sometimes he would laid me down to rub my clits!!! I got my freedom the day he eventually moved out of our house!! I couldn’t tell anyone, I’m always happy on the outside but deep down I wasn’t especially when I see him.. I would ran into our room, hid or sometimes force my self to sleep so he wouldn’t send me on an errand!!
    Back then, we weren’t taught to be rude to elders, u dare not go if u r sent on an errand!! Infact there was no sex education..
    Bro muri is now a bus conductor, he couldn’t even look at me in the eye when we met years later cos I was in the same bus he was doing conductor!!
    My dad’s friend also molested me sexually, infact what he made me did I can’t tell it all!! Last I heard of him, he’s dead
    we were in another neighborhood entirely!! I finished secondary very early, I finished at the age of 15 hence my reason for starting work very early.
    When I was 18, I had a near rape experience with my neighbor! He works beside my company and I always see him like every other day, he just came in looking for me one day and I had gone out!! On getting back I was told he had come looking for me and I thought of going to see him after close of work.. note(he works in an hotel as the manager)
    I went to the reception, asked of him and I was told he’s in the managers room, infact the receptionist told me he had already informed her of my coming and she directed me to the room..
    I knocked, entered and stood at the door entrance, he beckoned me to sit on the bed and I did cos I wasn’t suspecting anything and before I could ask why he was looking for me, he locked the door..
    And I was like Idowu why did u lock the door, u only asked to me and I thought u wanted me to take something to ur mother cos that wasn’t the first time I would help him do such!! He said ehn he likes me and he started pulling his trouser, ordering me to take off my cloth and guess what I couldn’t shout, I was afraid!!
    Suddenly I saw a knife on his fridge, I just picked it up!! He had already pushed me on the bed and I was struggling to get free before I saw the knife.. I told him I would stab him if he comes near me again, he said do you wanna go to prison and to be honest at that point I was ready to take vengeance for all the past molestation on him.. I told yes I’m ready to go to jail!!
    Open this door or I would shout, he threw the key at me and I opened and ran out!! I didn’t tell no one!! I saw him recently on my street and he couldn’t recognize me again..I would look at him with pity and shake my head..I’m still gathering all the courage in the world to face him one day..
    I’m 25 now; I don’t enjoy sex infact I have always faked my orgasm!! My fiancΓ© is always complaining about me stiffening my body during sex...
    I’m always happy on the outside till now but deep down I’m battling serious demon!!

    ReplyDelete
  26. Honestly people are wired differently? Smh!! Poster what actually is your problem? You just decided on yourself to hold youself hostage and in bondage. In all your narration you weren't raped infact you even dealt with almost all of them which on it's own should have made you to be proud of yourself. I was almost raped at 17 by a man that is 6ft tall and a father of 3 children and I fought him off like a wounded lion because I was a virgin and couldn't understand why I should lose it in that manner. Ever since that incident I hardly ever remembers it not to talk of holding myself in bondage because of it. It is in your past let go. It is not a life sentence.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Trick, if you don't STFU!
      Yours was 1 attempted incident and you easily moved... here's a cigar as your prize.
      Others were inflicted with several successful attempts that deeply scarred them and they are allowed to grieve and cope however they can.
      You are not the poster child for rape, so get over your smug self and have some empathy for others.

      Delete
  27. Is not easy to grow up and let go but life has to go on. Forgive yourself, forgive those he did evil to you so that you can move on.

    ReplyDelete
  28. This actually brings back memories. Hmmm.....
    This is why it's difficult to believe Busola, cos unlike a typical rape victim who never allows d act repeat itself a second time by avoiding d rapist at all cost and damning d consequences of people knowing thereafter, she kept seeing her molester and accepting gifts from him.
    As a true tape victim, u develop d most powerful hatred imaginable for your molester and if possible, would never want to see him EVER again, just to be able to forget what happened btw u both.
    The experience is just like someone trying to inflict a severe pain on u, like plucking out your eyes or inserting a sharp object in ur ear, at least, so it was for me. You fight, shout, cry, scream and resist d criminal as much as ur energy could.
    The experience is that terrible!
    But for u to be raped by d same person 15 times?
    Hmmm.....
    Just hmmm.....

    ReplyDelete
  29. Mine is like a nollywood movie & I still live with it cos it turned to something else

    ReplyDelete
  30. That name Emmanuel is forever tainted for me. My mom's brother (he can never be called my uncle), started with sitting me on his kness, spreading me wide and fingering me while twisting my nipples painfully (all before I was 5). It progressed to asking me to taking my pant off and trying several to penetrate me... there was blood is all I can remember. I told my mum b4 I clocked 10 and slept with a knife under my pillow for a long while.
    I still see the pig whenever I visit her but i confronted him last year & let him know that he's dead to me and can never prosper.
    Funny enough, he had several girlfriends throughout the period of abuse; he's just a paedophile. Oh yeah, he's also a miserable pastor. Man of devil I call him.

    ReplyDelete

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