Stella Dimoko Korkus.com: How To Spot A Narcissist And Deal With Their Toxic Behavior

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Sunday, September 08, 2019

How To Spot A Narcissist And Deal With Their Toxic Behavior

The word “narcissist” is one of those tricky terms that is both luxuriously broad in meaning (it’s defined on Dictionary.com as “a person who is overly self-involved, and often vain and selfish) as well as clinically specific.






 A narcissist, from a psychiatric perspective, is a person suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), a formal diagnosis coined after years of psychoanalytic study. In the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5 ), NPD is defined as a cluster B personality disorder, comprising “a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration and lack of
empathy .”



As a mental health writer, I’m interested in exploring narcissism in the latter sense — as a pathology rather than as a lax term for a self-absorbed person. I want to know how narcissism manifests in a person and how one can identify a narcissist and cope with their potentially toxic behavior .


To enlighten me, I turned to a number of experts including David M. Reiss , M.D., a psychiatrist who has specialized in narcissism for over 30 years.
“Narcissism has been around as long as humanity has been around — and has been recognized for that long,” Reiss says. “The term itself comes from the story of Narcissus in Greek mythology, dating back to at least 8 A.D. As to the formal diagnosis, that arises from psychoanalytic thinking, starting with Freud but with different schools of psychology accepting slightly different understandings of the pathology/personality disorder over ensuing years.”



The telltale traits of narcissism go well beyond self-absorption


Diagnosable narcissism is far more complex (and often dangerous) than mere selfishness or vanity — and it can wear so many masks.
Here’s a list of telltale traits of a narcissist courtesy of Karaine Sanders, Psy.D, a psychologist in New York.



Narcissists seldom seek treatment because they can’t self-reflect



We all have some narcissistic qualities, which run along a spectrum. There’s a radical difference, though, between having narcissistic qualities (e.g., being self-centered) and being a full-fledged narcissist.

One should never self-diagnose, but consider this: If you’re worried that you might be a narcissist, you probably are not one. Narcissists generally lack the kind of empathetic self-reflection that might make them wonder if they have a personality disorder. This is partly why narcissism is so seldom treated, Reiss adds, and why it’s presently impossible to truly quantify how many people have the disorder.



“Rarely does someone come to me [as a psychiatrist] and say they read about narcissism and think they are a narcissist,” says Reiss. “If they can recognize narcissistic behavior, then it’s probably not severe. Narcissists can get depressed , anxious, abuse substances and have problems in the family (for which they take no accountability) and usually it’s those types of issues that, as we get into them, we find a narcissistic core.” • Self-concern, self-centeredness and self-consciousness that is disproportionate

• Extreme sensitivity to negative feedback or criticism
• Significant need for approval from others due to inadequacies that are real or imagined
• Poor self-esteem often expressed through self-deprivation or arrogance
• Difficulties within most relationships
• Intolerance for imperfections in others
• Often idealize others that represent perfection followed by devaluing that very person when they are perceived to have failed them
• Preoccupation with outward appearance, beauty, wealth, fame, success over morals, virtue or even integrity
• Poor emotional regulation, aggressive impulses, psychologically fragile
• Vain, self-righteous and prideful
• Lack remorse, compassion, empathy for others


The makings of a narcissist: Nature, nurture and character


How does a person become a narcissist? It’s a hotly disputed issue in the world of psychiatry, with a wealth of theories and no one-size-fits-all answer.
“My view is that it’s probably about 25 percent constitutional and 75 percent experiential,” says Reiss. “A narcissist doesn’t necessarily come from a dysfunctional family, but narcissism can occur because a parent or caretaker wasn't able to provide emotional attention, or it could be the flipside: a parent provided too much attention and the child never learned frustration tolerance. It really depends, and the same situation can result in different outcomes for different people.”


The good news is, through hard work in therapy, the narcissist can change destructive patterns and cultivate empathy . Again, it’s just really difficult to get them to want to do that, or to even see that there’s a problem.



Narcissists are master manipulators



“Narcissists are notoriously difficult to deal with because they are masters of manipulation,” says Britt Frank, a licensed master social worker. “They are skilled at finding pressure points and know exactly what to say or do to push our most vulnerable and wounded inner parts."
Though narcissists clearly do not have your best interest in mind (because they’re missing or have deactivated compassion for you), they do, as Michele Leno , a psychologist and owner of DML Psychological Services, notes, have the ability to love you.


“Narcissists are capable of love; however, their love feels conditional and wavering because they want to control you,” says Leno.
Just to make it even more complicated, consider that a narcissist can be selective in how/where they present their narcissism.
“Narcissism can be very problematic in some relationships and environments and not in others,” says Reiss. A person may show their narcissistic colors at work, but not at all at home, or vice versa.



Coping with the narcissist in your life comes down to setting boundaries and cutting ties



Just as we should not self-diagnose, we should resist diagnosing others with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
“We absolutely can not and should not be doing our own diagnosing of [others],” says Kayce Hodos , LPC. “Only a psychiatrist or therapist should assess and diagnose mental health and/or personality disorders.”


What we can do, and what might help us deal with their toxic behaviors, is identify and name the narcissistic traits we see in the people who we suspect are narcissists. From there, we should try to engage a conversation about it with them and/or our support systems, but if the person is a full-blown narcissist, they’re unlikely to respond favorably. Additionally, if you’re dealing with an authority figure, this may not be a topic you can appropriately bring up.
If you’re stuck with a narcissist who has targeted you, your goal should be getting out of the relationship, or, if it’s a close family member who you don’t wish to cut out of your life, then you need to work very hard on setting boundaries so that they don’t eat you up.


“If you're stuck with a narcissist, basically what you have to do is internally not let them gaslight you ,” says Reiss. “Recognize that you understand reality more than they do, but that you're not their therapist or their teacher. Just protect yourself. The key is to make their behavior less harmful to you.”
We should also work on keeping our own narcissistic tendencies in check by asking trusted colleagues and friends to let us know when we’re being too self-centered, ignoring their needs or “making decisions based solely on how we feel, rather than on facts,” says Reiss.

By Nicole Spector of NBC news

57 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Listen people!!!
      Everyone has narcissistic tendencies!
      Just note that it’s a spectrum. Mild to extreme.
      Cos I know peeps will come on here and start telling tales. πŸ‘€

      Delete
    2. Lol ! Dede is coming, he no read am, too long, Dede on the run πŸƒ‍♂️πŸƒ‍♂️πŸƒ‍♂️

      Delete
  2. This is very true,i met one last year...cut him off and fled as soon as i saw him for who he really was.Devil is still going about trying to mess with me and mine all because he can't deal with the fact that he was cut off.Im better off today but when i look back at how dark this person's soul was and still is,i get serious chills.

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    1. I know someone that ticks most of the boxes; so vain and self absorbed!

      Their constant need for admiration is nauseating. Only thing is this person doesn't lack empathy, as far as I can tell, at least.

      Delete
  3. I was with a narcissist for 12yrs, it was pure hell. We are no longer together. Please men and women if you are married to narcissist, leave that relationship. Nothing will ever change them, they will just make you a shadow of yourself. Their flying monkeys are the worst, they are the one that will defend them all around and make you look like the worst one. If your parent is a narcissist, please put a long distance between you two. Please visit “surviving narcissism” channel on YouTube. Doctor Les Carter has a lot on the topic.

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    Replies
    1. Look in the mirror my dear. Whoever you see in the mirror is the problem. Admit it. You are a loser for staying in a bad relationship that long

      Delete
    2. Olopa abeg sir! wetin shele gangan?
      wetin you carry wetin you throw?
      Abi na you sef be the narssicts ni?
      Make we all dey run from you?

      Is it soeasy to quit a marriage?
      If she quit easiliy again na you people go still say she nor get long suffering spirit.

      Abeg leave her joh! and face your front

      Delete
    3. I’m married to a narcissist,. It’s 13years managing and hoping. Just recently the lord helped me to deal! Key point”don’t let their behavior affect you” he must not take the blame for anything from anyone,. What lies deep down them is an insecure person. He must keep up with that negativity to make himself feel good. Long distance works well with a narcissist. A master strategist they hmmmm anyways may God help us! It’s a serious mental issue

      Delete
  4. Pay a narcissistic back in his or her own coin they hate that shit.Period.

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    Replies
    1. Lmao. Do me l do you πŸ˜‚

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    2. I agree..... worked with one for several years and it was almost hell on earth but once I discovered that the thing they crave most is attention I just have my finger permanently on the ignore button. This usually gets to them so freakin much . When everyone pays a compliment just blank them and it’s ur validation they will be looking for. Crazy sha but the best way is just to avoid one altogether. They can really mess with ur mind if you are not a strong person emotionally.

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    3. I paid one back, till today he very scared of me, he felt i was like other of his gf's and i showed him he was just learning work

      Delete
    4. With all those narcissistic qualities, almost everyone is a narcissist. I nukwa m!

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    5. @17:15, you're absolutely right. Ignore the person I described above and they almost can't breathe!
      They'll barrage you with questions :
      How do I look?
      How do you like what I'm wearing?
      How's my skin looking? Yen,yen, yen, me, me, me. Lmao!

      So this is one strategy i adopt with them.

      Delete
  5. When you tell them that theyre narcissistic, they dont ever agree.

    ReplyDelete
  6. You cant 'live' with a narcissist. Just run for your sanity.

    ReplyDelete
  7. The average white Canadian is narcissistic. "we the North" indeed!!! πŸ˜‚ πŸ˜‚ πŸ˜‚

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Canadians r the worst narcissists!!!
      On the outside they waste a lot of efforts to look good, wholesome, nice, "human rights" yen..yen.
      But inside, very prejudiced, cruel & destructive, manipulative & very deadly in callousness with human lives.

      The worst thing u can do is when u block, reject & remove them from playing their games with u! And most especially ignore & don't praise them, play with them, nor validate them.

      Delete
  8. Nice read. There are so many narcissists and sickos in Nigeria!

    ReplyDelete
  9. // ...• Preoccupation with outward appearance, beauty, wealth, fame, success over morals, virtue or even integrity
    • Poor emotional regulation, aggressive impulses, psychologically fragile
    • Vain, self-righteous and prideful
    • Lack remorse, compassion, empathy for others
    ...//

    Typical
    Naija
    Man and horseband

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    Replies
    1. I completely disagree....Stop damaging our men. the fact that on etreated you badly doesnot make all of them the same and if you were treated like that by some many. you need to check yourself. the saying goes, once is a mistake, the second time is careless self destruction.

      the men in my circle are great, my father, my husband, and my close friends, our values align. If yours dont do a reality check, where do you find your male companions, do you choose them careful? are you bold enough to allienate them once their vlaues dont align with yours or you keep excusing them? The right thing to do is if a man treats you bad patiently and carefully choose the next one. There are so many good men in towm dear.

      Delete
  10. Married to one and its nor been easy. Last year I moved out of our bedroom to another part of the house and the control and abuse has reduced. I intend to remain that way for my sanity and children. I see his frustration when he can't exercise that control on me. He tries to punish me by throwing verbal insults, flaunting women and relationships and sleeping out,still he doesn't see the hurt and on top I am glowing. My joy is the boundaries are working. No more waking me at 3am to get him food with this annoying entitlement attitude. Sometimes he tries to be all nice to see of o will return back, for where? Tired of typing jare. Him talk don't tire me. My kids are my joy

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    Replies
    1. Same with me,being married for 6 years is like hell.At first I tried to please him so that there will be peace till turned to bullying.Since i made up my mind that its enough he started reporting to everybody i know that am a bad person,making up stories of what i never did or said just to boost his ego.Am yet to make up of which other step to handle him cos it really draining me emotionally😒

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    2. 1819. That’s exactly how my Sisters’ hubby is. She left the house with her kids and he quickly ran to court and filed a legal separation. Thank goodness it’s over now. Hang tight!! The day you decide to leave, him eyes go shine. Strategize real well. Sending you hugs.

      Delete
    3. Y'all just described my husband up there. Thank God I ran for my dear life

      Delete
  11. How about in the case of a child what can someone do to stop them from growing with it? Because I find all these traits mentioned in my 13 year old daughter and it's worrisome. It's not like I love her less or condone her excesses. I actually think it's genetic cos there are some people in her father's family that behaves like that

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "her father's family"πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

      Delete
    2. Madam, please arrest that thing now oh! Its not a joke.

      Delete
    3. God bless you for being an observant parent. If many parents were like you, we won't be seeing such rubbish

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    4. First I think we parents fuel it unconciously, First you make them act/ dress up for your compliment so when it doesnot come they think something is wrong. Not everytime compliment, let them learn to live in their own skin. just be themselves. Ignore them sometimes so they learn that not everyone will adore them all the time.

      Also how do adult around them treat others? E.g the easiest way to build entitlement in a child is to indulge them too much ( a situation where an 8-10 years old child has no responsibility at all in the house just because their is a maid or you pack 5 lunch boxes to school first as a parent to show off, second because you think she has to always have something to eat whenever she wants because you dont want the child to suffer) All these are destrucive trainnings that if you see the effect one the current generation you wont even want to embrace. These children grow up thinking life is bread and butter and when it is even time to show you empathy in your old age they might be too preoccupied with themselves. Stop every act of overindulgence. Groom a responsible child.

      Be kind yourself, they will learn from you.

      Correct them immediately so they understand the import of their action. But correct in love not always punitive.

      Pray, only God can help us train children, remember that there are several other influences over your children apart from you so you have to learn to ask the almighty for help.

      God help us all.

      Delete
    5. Anon 11:35 God bless u so much... You have said it all. The way some people trained their children baffles ma alot.

      Delete
  12. Married to one for 12years,it has been hell! God is my only hope,I can't even begin to describe what I have been going through.It will end in praise definitely. My children are growing and doing well I thank God,my finances is improving too.Soon very soon this phase will be over

    ReplyDelete
  13. Earlier this year, I found out one of my good friends was a manipulator. So I switched on my ignore button. She has tried heaven and earth to get my attention, to no avail.... from buying me gifts that I have refused, to singing my praises on social media (when she hasn't spoken to me in months πŸ˜‚). She came up with a blackmail DM of how "if she dies now, is this how I will ignore her". I replied: hi. Hope your good? Regards to all. I no even do like say I see wetin the message well πŸ˜‚ So earlier this week, she sent her older sibling to try and initiate discussions with me, na so I show that one boundary wall to climb very quickly. No time for nonsense. This person was my 5 n 6 so it's still doing her like film trick. And I'm not yet done.

    My last boss in Nigeria was a seasoned narcissist. You could tell the babe lacked love growing up. Hers was so bad that she couldnt even think of a solution to a corporate problem, if it doesn't benefit her. Her mind was wired so selfishly that it was pulling the company down. But na me get her medicine for that office. The mumu actually thought I wanted her job, not knowing I was on my way out. When I finished terrorising her I dropped resignation letter and left. I ignore her and let her make a fool of herself and I noticed she liked people that kiss her ass so I never did. One day she yelled at me at a Monday meeting to submit a document. Hahaha! She didnt see that document until I added it in my handover note 4 months later. Oya come and make me submit document that I know you dont need nau.... cos you want to give me high jump on your narcissism.

    What I notice about such people is that they pretend to be nice, sometimes. But check the motive, it has them RIGHT at the centre. Their niceness isnt really to you, bro/sis. Lol.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I can't deal with it. Never!!! I just walked out of a 3year old marriage Stella, it's never worth it. They don't change,they never will. I was depressed, frustrated and lonely. He never showed me love. So quick to keep malice with. Smh.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Live with one kΓ©? I just jump and pass marriage proposal from one.Met in church and was with him almost 3years. Mheeen!This guy almost drove me mad.Mighty manipulators ehn. They feed on external approval. This one hid under spirituality and good looks.Always claiming to be black sheep of the familY. Everybody is wrong, they are always right. The sense of entitlement is another wahala. Very good at dripping honey and cream when they need something from you but turn nasty when they don't get it. They'll hurt you without batting an eyelash and then make you feel like YOU hurt them. In relationships they target very quiet people.... phlegmatics(who are noted for excusing away people's bad behaviour).
    Accmoplished backbiters,they revel in mind games and because they need constant fawning approval from people,chronic lying is big with them.
    Abeg, I know I'm not perfect but I know I deserve to be sane..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They love you more when you excuse their bad behaviour and they seek those with good hearts; truly. They would try to sell you their side of the story and if you no get strong mind you will think it's the truth.

      Delete
  16. Donald Trump! Classic example

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  17. Don't listen to this moron. This is why they overmedicate people in US bc they want to keep the scam going. Are you happy? Are you sad? Both are normal human feelings but these snake oil salespeople will look for the weak in the society and put them on prescription medications which side effects outweigh the benefits. Talk about narcissism, these off the wall professionals who could not make it to medical schools are the real narcissists. My people, just know that life is full of up and down. So is your emotion. Don't let any dimwit with a worthless paper certificate make you feel any less a normal human being.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ANON 7:52 Are you angry because you're a narcissist and you poSsess some of the traits listed above? tALK TRUE. LMAO

      Delete
    2. AHN UNCLE your words heavy. are you sure you are not a narcissist? i don't think it's fair for you to insult the psychologist. Many people suffer childhood trauma which causes mental disorders such as psychopathy, sociopathy, multiple personality disorder and narcissism later in life

      Delete
    3. I have worked with many other in the US. Next time, look beyond the certificate and switch the narratives. Some of the psychologists in my establishment have the most horrible personal life experience. Be careful who you listen to for diagnosis @ Anonymous 10:03 and 09:10. I wish more medical personnel can open up on these psychologists.

      Delete
    4. Remember that psychology is not science. It is open to bias--racially, socially, legally and otherwise. You don't have to believe me. But being forewarned about their shenanigans may save you or loved one from the menace of this lot. Medication abuse because of Medicare reimbursement is real. Research and read up on any medications especially the side effects. Psychologists may refer you to "an expert" that may be your road to abyss. It is all about the money people

      Delete
  18. The world is highly competitive. If you have low self-esteem and low self-worth and let another human being take you for a ride, look in the mirror. The problem is you and not the other person who didn't stoop too low to babysit your weak behind.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. YOU have a point but it's also important weak people become strong by knowing narcissists exist and what they are capable of

      Delete
  19. By the definition, everyone is a narcissist. There are type A and type B personalities. Don't blame another person for your inadequacies. You stayed with a man for 3-12 years and turn around to blame him as a narcissist. What do you call yourself that stayed in such horrible condition for years? An angel? Pleeeease!

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    Replies
    1. You don't know that narcissists are manipulative and can hide with a mask for as long as they are getting benefits from their victim? Pray you never encounter one

      Delete
  20. Excuses! Excuses!! Excuses!!! God forbid a Nigerian woman takes responsibility for the outcome of her recalcitrance.

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    Replies
    1. SPOKEN LIKE A TRUE nigerian MALE NARCISSIST! you DEMONS want to go around riding on the backs of women, stepping all over them and still have them come lick your yansh after? GROW TF UP, YOU DUSTY

      Delete
    2. Hahaha. E pain you reach. Nigerian ladies are all angels. Keep deluding yourself. Buzz off loser!

      Delete
  21. Just realised that my ex bf, whom I dated for 2 years, is a narcissist. He pretends to be this nice wholesome Jesus freak, goes 2 church on Sunday, respectful to elders, well dressed, introduced me to his family, flaunted me on social media as his babe. The whole 9 yards. But after I broke things off with him temporarily, I saw a demonic side of him I never knew existed. It was all an act and a sham. I was just testing by asking for a break because I noticed his zeal for me had reduced drastically. Little did I know that he had been preparing fresh new batch of narcissistic supply to replace me, even before the ship was over. Imagine that less than a month after break up this guy was already flaunting a new girl on social media, calling her pet names that I taught him and using nicknames people gave us on her.

    I couldn't believe my eyes. He also disrespected my parents, ignored their messages. was flirting with women online, would post nasty things about me on twitter for his followers to like and retweet, lied to his family blaming me for the break up saying things I never did. Started a smear campaign that would be fully endorsed by his flying monkeys aka family n friends. So embarassing!

    And to make matters worse, we roll in the same circle and whenever he sees me at a party this guy will smile come and greet me as if nothing happened. I guess to show people he is such a "nice" humble guy. It's all a part of the scam and the mask of deceit that narcissist wants to put out. But I find solace in the fact that narcissists never fully settle into happy relationship with anyone. As I am speaking to you, both of the girls he was using to do shakara for me are not on good terms with him. They are just a part of his "HAREM" including the ex gf of his he claimed he would never talk to because she was supposedly so HORRIBLE and mean to him while they were dating. Same girl he called all sorts of slutty dehumanising names saying she's slept with 4 different guys since the breakup and she and him will never get back with him. That is the same girl he is getting narcissistic supply from now, shouting her out on her bday, she liking his pics. So Lord knows what he is telling his harem girls about me, SMH.

    NARCISSISTS ARE DEMONICALLY POSESSED! AVOID THEM AT ALL COSTS

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    Replies
    1. They are dear. I almost kolo for the matter o. My own will go on counselling sessions with the girl he so desires and proceed to sell himself as the victim,Cook up horrible stories about me WHILE still showing and professing deep love. Has no relationships with his siblings (he traumatized them with incessant deception so they keep him at bay).
      They think he's mad but I know he's possessed.

      Delete
  22. NARCISSISTS ARE DEMONICALLY POSSESSED! AVOID THEM AT ALL COSTS

    I managed to date one for 2 years and didn't realize he was one early enough.He would rather get validation from random girls online flirting with him in his pics on instagram. Girls will be thirsty online and that's normal but problem lies when a man who is in a serious relationship starts openly responding to the comments, in full glare of the woman he is dating, her friends, HER FAMILY and the whole world. I explained to him I didn't like it. When I asked him to desist, talk to the girls and explain to them that it is disrespectful (because he has a gf), he made me feel like I was jealous or demanding too much and would tell me i should try to be "DYNAMIC". I eventually gave up on expecting him to respect me on his comment section. slowly the mask started to slip more and more and the disrespect just kept getting worse and worse. I would see messages on his phone of him shamelessly flirting with girls telling them how big their ASSES are. I confronted him and he explained it away. I forgave him and stayed. But there comes a point when as an EMPATH (Man or woman) you have to say NO to narcissistic manipulation! And I decided enough was enough and broke it off as a test. By the time I came back for a second chance 2 weeks later he was already deep in a relationship with someone else

    . In true narc fashion, this boy went and spread lies about me to his family friends about how I would yell at him and fight with him nonstop in front of his friends. An exaggeration, given the fact that he caused most of those fights by disrespecting ME! Looking back the only thing I did wrong was staying and fighting allowing the anger to fester into outburts, when I could have just saved my time/energy and LEFT earlier!

    This side of the world we have so many narcissists, especially men, because of how nigerian boys are pampered growing up. our culture says women are servants to men, men can do no wrong. So many women are suffering in marriage with these narcissists thinking that is how marriage is supposed to be.

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  23. Juliet my ex girl-friend. Perfect, dictionary definition of a narcissist. Plain, cold, selfish, unloving, wicked bitch. I pity the poor man who will eventually marry her.

    ReplyDelete

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