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STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
EMPTY FEELING
I have had like 3 failed relationships that i had to end due to genotype palava i am AS i always use that as an excuse but the truth is, that is really not the excuse. i easily get irritated and tired of the relationships, once it gets to the point of commitment i always have an excuse and all of these guys are good guys.
I have had like 3 failed relationships that i had to end due to genotype palava i am AS i always use that as an excuse but the truth is, that is really not the excuse. i easily get irritated and tired of the relationships, once it gets to the point of commitment i always have an excuse and all of these guys are good guys.
Now i have gotten another good guy that is AA this time around genotype is not the problem. this guy does almost every thing to try to please me but it is happening again it is just as if i am not in the relationship like i am forcing it. sometimes i wonder if i let this continue i might never get married or enjoy my marriage. i have prayed, tried to do personal therapy for myself to see what might be the problem as a child i grew up in a domestic violence home in which a child was made to settle quarrels between adults could this be the problem?
I am the only girl and going out and making friends was not allowed( from school,to lesson and back home and church on Sundays), i had an attempt of rape as a child in my father's house but i escaped and couldn't tell my parents about it because of fear.
I didn't have fun as a child was so used to being alone and making my decisions on my own i made some pretty bad ones but they are all behind me now. as an adult now i can be by myself for a very long while, i prefer been by myself than been around people, people in my office see me as a snub. i don't want to discuss this with the new guy because i don't want him to have this feeling that he is not doing enough or get scared that i have a problem.
I really don't talk about growing up and my past with him. i really want this relationship to work, i don't want to ruin it with my excuses again. Is there any1 that feels this way, any1 that understands me. sometimes i feel maybe i should just get married and probably all these feelings will wipe off once i get married and start having kids.
Madam sorry to say but you do have a problem and you need to confront it head on....first off,why are you dating someone you are not comfortable talking things over with?Please do not marry or start making kids until you deal with all these insecurities...
Who swear for u?
ReplyDelete🙄
Deletethats not the solution Mrs OR mISS bLACKBERRY
DeleteTry and search yourself,undo what is necessary and what is necessary.
DeleteForget about your past with God's help and therapy.
Just work on yourself .
T.h.e.r.a.p.y
DeleteP.r.a.y.e.r
Trust me, you are absolutely normal.the only abnormal thing here is that you aren't comfortable talking things over with your bobo. I am exactly same, even though i am the life of the party at work, i absolutely love my space and any perceived encroachment on same riles me greatly. I'd thought it wasn't normal while i was younger but thankfully i met someone who was willing to understand me.
DeleteFirst things first, you must open up to him wholly. Withholding this kind of information is akin to deception. That spells doom in the future. Let him Know you want to work on things so you can commit to him wholly.
Secondly, there must be an open line of conversation going forward so that if you need some space it won't be termed something that its not.
Lastly, compromise, it won't kill you.
The main reason y I don't want to open up to him is that I don't want him to look down on my family, I don't want him to start seeing my parents as people u beats each other. Because if I end up marrying him I will need him to respect them
DeletePlease let him go and seek help before entering another relationship.
ReplyDeleteI think you should discuss this with him, you need a therapist, your case is come with people that have same upbringing like you.
ReplyDelete*Larry was here*
Avoidant attachment. Google it.
ReplyDeleteYou have an avoidant attachment style. Google it. You really have got work to do and no, it's not spiritual husband You will be fine.
ReplyDeleteI know lots of Nigerians are not big on therapy but I assure you that seeing a shrink doesn’t mean you are going “crazy”. Please I know they can be expensive but if you can afford it, see a therapist. You are carrying a lot of baggage from your past that you need to shed and if you don’t it would continue to weigh you down.
ReplyDeleteGetting married is not the solution, you need to talk about it and find a way to move on from your past. Don’t go around sharing stuff about your past if you haven’t completely healed or aren’t ready to offload because sometimes sharing can open new wounds. Your partner might be caring and loving but not everyone is equipped to handle “past issues”, it may just be what will make him walk away from you and it wouldn’t mean he loves you less. Like I said, not everyone is equipped to take on such burdens. Talk to a therapist, marriage is not an escape and don’t go into it by making an innocent man pay for something he didn’t create.
You don't feel loved cos you were never shown love,u just saw a family unit
ReplyDeleteI believe the environment you grew up in caused it. You settled so much fights that you don't see anything good about marriage. But my dear, you can do better by loving yourself first because you can't give what you don't have. Give love a chance in your life and be happy, you had enough bad experience about marriage as a child, you can learn from them, move on and be a better partner and mother to your children in the future.
ReplyDeleteHmm Poster you need assisted therapy not personal one...Speak to a professional fast and move on with life...You cant keep doing this to yourself so you dont wake up one day and realize that you made good guys go away as they are rare to find or come by...Dont wear your emotions on your face or behave like the whole world is on your head...Face your fear before they become your worst nightmare...And secondly do you have a good relationship with Christ?? He will wipe your tears away...All the best...
ReplyDeleteYou are not capable of loving anyone including yourself.
ReplyDeleteYou go into relationships cos you feel it’s what grownups do.
Do it because you love the person and want to be with him.
Whatever your fears are, please confront them and break free from it all.
Life is beautiful and sweet, you have to enjoy it and make every hour, day count.
First, love yourself cos you owe yourself that.
stop punishing these men. Imagine being in a marriage with someone like you, it will be hell.
Madam pls take Stella's advice.. Free that guy you are dating and don't date until you have gotten help for how you feel. Don't come and suffer somebody's son and yourself biko..
DeleteOP, did you suffer physical or emotional neglect, absentee parents, insecure resistance during childhood?
ReplyDeleteThis is what they call 'Ogbanje spirit'. It happened to me during my youth period, just scaring away good guys for no just case. This happened till I noticed that age is no longer on my side and with my mother's pressure, I had to get married.
ReplyDeleteI hope you married the right man??
DeletePlease poster you need help ASAP.
ReplyDeleteyou're still suffering from all you went through growing up. At this point of your life you're supposed to have moved on completely but healing process differs. If you don't work on this attitude,i'm afraide even when you get married and have kids it'll continue. So do all you can delibrately,consciously,prayerfully with effort to see how you can overcome.Goodluck
ReplyDeletePray your way out of it. It may look as if there's nothing there but there's a problem with you and you need to deal with.
ReplyDeleteposter most of what your describe up there we have been there, you should try to work on yourself, learn to let things go and move forward.
ReplyDeleteStop being a reason why a man will move away from you, what is your problem self? you don't want to be happy in life/ i cannot shout.
I'm just like you but of the opposite sex. Marriage wouldn't solve your issues, instead it would be worst since you can't just leave like that. So solve the issue before talking marriage.
ReplyDeleteUpbringing determines alot how we humans develop and associate with our environment. My suffering today is due to the strict no fun life I was made to live as a child.
Solve your issues before marriage if not you will only make your spouse miserable.
Madam calm down, i was worse than you.. infact i gave this my husband 1 month for us to date and break up.
ReplyDeleteAfter six months of thorough quarrels and going back and forth, I decided to calm down and love him for who he truly is. I shut out all the material and physical expectations and i decided to just be patient and kind with him. I found peace with myself and his business also started to improve. I even got a new and better job.
What I am saying is just let love lead, be patient with your man and watch things improve.
P.S we are happily married and he even confessed to me when i changed that he was planning on dumping me because of the way i was behaving then. Goodluck!
You need therapy.
ReplyDeleteSpeak to a life coach, so you can become a better person. Get strong therapy sessions that can go deep into your mind and help deal with these insecurities and misconceptions that have formed in your mind.
Sorry poster, This is called carry come. You grew up in a toxic environment, and it has affected you so badly, that you are now a toxic person yourself. Also this comes with sudden mood swings too for no reason. You are unwittingly like the Siren goddess, who draws in the emotions of men and when you have gotten them to fall deeply into you, BOOM! You dump them and wreck their heart. You need to work on yourself, or you will end up destroying yourself, because Karma is an O.G. I once dated a girl like you, and I tried to point it out to her, but she thought she was okay, thinking marriage and motherhood will solve it all, which was a big mistake. She is now divorced and yet she doesn't see herself. Her problems have multiplied. In simple terms, You are a ticking time bomb if you don't act now.
ReplyDeleteWhat happens when you pour or try pour water into a glass already full? The content overflows because any extra will exceed the volume capacity of the glass. The only way to get water into an already full glass is to, first, empty the content. Darling, you can't possibly entertain or value any true friendship, let alone a romantic relationship until you purge yourself of your painful past. Any of the aforementioned events is enough to mess up a child's mind. Imagine having to endure all of these; dysfunctional family setting laced with domestic violence, forced to be the grown up and settle disputes between adults, having a close call with rape, growing up lonely, miserable and socially awkward. Oh my love, no child should have to go through what you did. Thank God you survived.
ReplyDeleteYou need professional help, you can't "debrief" yourself. You aren't equipped with the necessary tools and knowhow to handle an askewed psyche. Even professional psychologists and "shrinks" have their own psychologists they consult for personal issues. Sweetheart, you are broken and need fixing. You shouldn't be dating anyone for now until you get the help you need. It's not fair to the guys and to yourself, to be honest.
I wouldn't advise you to discuss your past with this new guy, he isn't your confessor nor your "shrink". You are just getting to know him and, quite honestly, you shouldn't even be with him for now. Emotionally, you're full, any addition will spill over. The less you tell people about your past, the better. It's human nature to use people's past against them when there's a dispute and they hurt you. Even in a marriage, some things are better left unsaid. I have seen cases where a vengeful partner used the "secrets" confided in them as a very effective and painful clap back.
Honey, I hope you realise that it is okay not to always be in a relationship. A lady mustn't be dating to feel complete. As a matter of fact, you have no business being with a man until you realise you're complete all by yourself. What you want is companionship and not a man to complete you. Take some time off dating and seek help before this escalates to something more intricately insidious. I wish you many happy returns.
e-hugs and kisses.
The scars we carry from childhood can follow us into adulthood. It beats inside of us like a second heatbeat. It is not something u just wish away or hope one morning u wake up and it has disappeared. Trust me bcos I KNOW. You have to take a deliberate step into addressing them bcos unless u do, you cannot enjoy everyday life. Poster even though telling someone in Nigeria you are seeing a therapist can be met with a raised eyebrow, but you MUST. You have to talk to someone. A professional will be best not SELF THERAPY. We may lie to ourselves that is why self therapy may not work. Unless you confront those issues this guy will still go and u will move on to continue the cycle. Wishing u all the best.
ReplyDeleteDear poster get a therapist and work on the condition. It will be fine in no distant time and you would see yourself getting over it. And please try talking to the new guy about how you feel and all. Don't be scared he would leave you. If he loves you that much and wants to be with you he would definitely stand by you and help you over come this issues.
ReplyDeleteBlackBerry currant, this is quite harsh..Poster, you need to see a seasoned counselor.
ReplyDeleteDear Poster, you pretty much described me up there! Lol! I am loner. I do everything myself. I got married even though I felt nothing for him. 9yrs and three years after, my marriage is on shaky ground and teetering on the edge of divorce. Hmmm... Lesson: fix yourself first. I'm not sure how as I still struggle with severe depression and thoughts of suicide. But... I'm trying to stay present and work at keeping relationships in general.
ReplyDeletePlease
DeleteTherapy and Prayer
My question is, how do you accept their requests when they ask you out? Or you just in it for the sexual encounters? Cause if you truly prefer to be on your own, then your issue would have been you do not get into relationships
ReplyDeleteDear poster, you need to let a lot of things out. You need to free yourself from effects of past experiences cos clearly, they are toxic to you and they making you one too. You can talk to a shrink when you're ready to heal. It's good you accepted you have a problem and that's one step to healing. I wish you well dear.
ReplyDeleteI'm going through the same issue but I have no one to talk to as I've been deserted by family and friends.
ReplyDeletePoster, first ask Jesus Christ to be your Lord and Saviour if you are not yet saved.
ReplyDeleteForgive yourself for what went wrong in your in your childhood, family and your life. They were not your fault and even if you made mistakes, God already forgave you through Christ.
Then, dig deep into the Bible to know about God's unconditional love for you, His healing power (for your emotional/psychological wounds)
Confess His Word concerning your emotional well-being.
Next, seek therapy/counselling from a well-grounded, mature gracious Christian mother. Or if you prefer professional therapist, you could opt for that.
Practice loving yourself and being nice to the guy you are in a relationship with.
Consciously remind yourself what you love about him.
For every good thing he does for you, find a way to reciprocate when next you see or talk.
Reaffirm to yourself that you deserve to be loved and to love.
Shalom.
I know someone going through something like this, she might even be the one.
ReplyDeletePoster please try to see a shrink fast, if you can't afford one go to your pastor, if he is a good one.
Immerse yourself in God's word, only him can save and set you free. There is nothing beyound God's reach and total overhaul.
Try to also listen to messages by Joyce Meyer (that woman went through a lot including sexual abuse by her own father) yet look where she is now, and happily married for years.
This is not how your story ends!
Poster never allow your past define your future, you have a past, I have a past, we all have a past, but for every single day that I live, I try not make my past available, I make it go offline and I go online with my future.
ReplyDeleteSee a therapist, but also work on yourself, appreciate the man in your life, appreciate today for every single day you live regretting, you are wasting. Draw closer to God and forgive every one that have offended you, including yourself . Girl you will be fine OK.
You could be gay. Check well.
ReplyDeletemadam you need to work on yourself you may not actually start regretting it cuz you're still very young but mind you with time you might need a partner, after you've chased them all then your eyes will open menopause is real ooo.. Talk to God to remove that spirit of confusion in you, being single for life will make bitter and frustrated in old age.. Me I have said my own oo
ReplyDeletemadam you need to work on yourself you may not actually start regretting it cuz you're still very young but mind you with time you might need a partner, after you've chased them all then your eyes will open menopause is real ooo.. Talk to God to remove that spirit of confusion in you, being single for life will make bitter and frustrated in old age.. Me I have said my own oo
ReplyDeletePoster try and forget your past, see it as one those things in life and move on.
ReplyDeleteShould i tell u want your problem is. You are attracted to the bad guy fun loving guy. As a divorcee i will tell u that. Until u get it in your head that good guys r the ones that make marriages work u will see all of them as boring and finally end up with a violent guy. pray about this. some pple were not lucky to get this advise in time.
ReplyDeleteMadam there is nothing wrong with u. You are melancholy always irritated. You are introverted and meeting other introverts irritate u. You need to be careful, that saying that opposites attract is never always accurate. For certain reason melancholies always attract wrong guys because they are quite and reserved and bad guys like it and due to your sensitive nature u get brusied easily. A relationship where u feel peace and happiness not excitement is what u need. Marriage is work.u need a responsible, faithful and peaceful man. if he has all of this pray and enjoy. Mayb u want a relationship of quarrels then u ll understand that a peaceful man is 1million yards husband material
ReplyDeleteIf you love this man you are dating, you have to open up to him about these "insecurities"
ReplyDeleteand experiences you've had as a child growing up as possible challenges to overcome.
He will offer you emotional support if the love is mutual.
Then you also need spiritual support and eternal life. For this call upon Jesus the Savior
and begin to study the New Testament like a chapter daily. You will realize that when one
seeks the Kingdom of God and its righteousness, all other things will be added to that person;
including a secure relationship/marriage.
Poster are you my twin? This is just how i feel, i just get scared of commitment. When a guy starts getting serious i just start having this scary feeling. As a matter of fact I'm scared of getting married or becoming a mother.i thought i was the only one with this sort of feeling
ReplyDeleteI swear this poster sounds exactly like me except the AS part and near rape
ReplyDeleteI'm exactly like you. Only worse! You need to be healed first. How, i don't know.
ReplyDeleteWe plenty be that, . ..me, I just enjoy my space and freedom more. Tho I want to get married, but I can't deal with all these commitment and relationships stuffs, God help me o
ReplyDeletePlus am 33yrs nd not even bothered, with all d whole pressure sef
I don taya to type sef,may God's will be done ,atleast am praying about it
Op your answer is God, HE is your father who lives in heaven, talk to him
ReplyDelete