Hmmmmm.............
STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
MONTHLY ALLOWANCE....
I have a question that has been bothering me, and I want to throw it to your BVs.
I am getting married later this year. I am 37, and own my home in Abuja. I earn a little over 2 million a month at my 9 to 5, and I also have some investments in fixed income securities which bring in money quarterly. I am not completely happy where I am, but I am not uncomfortable.
I did not plan to get married. My plan has always been to have 2 children and be a single dad because I don't believe in marriage. But I recently got a lady pregnant, and my mother is insisting I must marry the girl. The girl works for a private company here in Abuja, and earns around N80k a month. Even though I never planned for marriage, now it is happening, I don't want my wife to work while we are married.
I know it's old fashioned and all, but I want her to be a stay-at-home mum. I can afford to financially cater for her and the child. I have told her I will pay her a monthly personal upkeep and housekeeping allowance. I'm just curious - how much of my monthly income is supposed to go to her for her personal upkeep and housekeeping, considering that I ALWAYS put away 75% of my monthly income for savings/investments.
Please let me know.
Regards..
Please let me know.
Regards..
*Hmmmm your Mother is forcing you to get Married?No love or even lust attached to it?Please do not get married,you can make her and the child comfortable but please dont marry cos you will end up making each others lives a living nightmare........Sometimes even love is not enough talk less when the love is not even there.....
As for the monthly upkeep.....Get her a comfortable accommodation and pay her as monthly upkeep of at least 200k.
Pls don’t get married just ‘because ‘ and make another woman’s live miserable . Why don’t u want ur wife to work ? No whyyyy ? See eh whatever mehn just do as Stella has said . All this backward mentality people.
ReplyDeleteI'm telling you, very backward, poster have you thought of the fact that you may loose your job and life comes crumbling down?, oh you think everything is permanent right?, Let me summarise a little story for you. Husband was mobile a worker earning VERY WELL with good investments, retired, mobile paid him Huge pay off, today they don't have a dime to their name, sold cars and houses to survive, meanwhile I believe if the wife was working, she would have supported the husband when he was down, poster be guided.
DeleteHey nna coolo dahn. She's his wife and he owns her, and vice versa. I don't like your way of response because it reeks absolute hypocrisy!
DeleteOriginally(as well as deep down), in Africa, women like to be catered for, pampered, etc...as time evolved, only cases where the man is financially inadequate did our woman step in. Today everybody is clamoring for Independence, which is not an entirely bad thing. The onus of my Crux is to allow each marriage thrive as they deem fit. Oyinbo still dey do stay at home wife. Awon olodo African feminism....... that's why even Hilary Clinton dey surprise with una mother(chimdadiche) the other day!
Poster go ahead and wife her if you have small affection for her you can also place her on monthly upkeep of 150k- 300k monthly. Having both father and mother together matters in the upbringing of children.
DeleteOh I forgot to add 👇, this will not probably be the last person you will lay with...so do yourself a favour and use CONDOM its cheap, incase you change your mind and start loving the girl(baby mama)so you don't infect her.
DeleteSAY NO TO WIFE NO WORK...this is 2020
Inasmuch as your ideals are archaic ,I would advice that you don't marry that lady because she is having your child .
DeleteMarry because you love her.
Marriage is HARD WORK as it is.
If you MUST marry her,ple6let her WORK,boredom can cause alot of things and jealousy might creep in.
From your write up, it seems you didn't put up much of a fight when your mother insisted that you get married to the girl. This may mean that you have some feelings for her.
DeleteI think you may be scared to explore the emotional part of yourself bc of some past experience that you may have had.
I believe What's worth doing at all is worth doing well. so, If you feel a marriage will work, then put some effort into it and start seeing yourself as a father and husband. All your mind needs is a paradigm shift.
You seem like a smart person so you must have known that fucking raw has its consequences.
AND I DEFINITELY KNOW THAT A MAN WHO EARNS 2M A MONTH WILL BE EXTRA EXTRA CAREFUL WHO HE DIPS HIS STICK INTO.
If you don't want her to work, set up a business for her so she wont be idle.
Y'all will be fine..
Dear poster, your reasons for not permitting your wife to work are best known to you but one thing you must understand is that no matter how generous you are with a person it is only self fulfilling and dignifying when a person "earns" income and nothing beats that, even if the income earned is minimal. Another reason is that all of us are not the owner of our lives and irrespective of how much you pray or wish away misfortune, the bible says that time and chance befalls mortal man, this is a fact. So if anything happens to you and you happen to fall asleep in death (God forbids), if your wife had not learned how to manage income, your children will end up in poverty notwithstanding how much money you left behind, as a result of poor or mismanagement which is usual when a person is constantly handed money.
DeleteHe MUST marry her o. Since he knows how to impregnate someones child let him take up the responsibility of a wife and father. Its not every woman dat wants to be a single mother.
DeleteLet me tell you there are alot of men that have this mindset but they wont say it out. Many are not so keen on marriage but will rather just have kids. But that sort of thing is not often acceptable by society so they just cave in and get married.
If your earn 2m,i think giving her 250k a month for herself and upkeep of the house isnt bad. Atleast you are still paying all the bills and not paying rent. Dont start her with too huge an amount,start with 250k and see how she uses it. If its not enuf increase to 300k.
Give her 300-400k for upkeep. 150/ 200 is insufficient Depending on her lifestyle anyway.
DeleteYou don’t want her to work, the. Get her a business so isn’t ideal and also has free time at her convenience to run the home.
Lastly, you don’t have to marry her just because your mom said so. Be your single dad & take care of your child leave the woman out of the equation.
If you want to marry her, like you like her enough to marry her then do so, but dont stop her from working.
DeleteOne day your likeness may turn to love...or disgust, let her have something to fall back on.
Is this lady a nice and decent person? Are you willing to open up your heart and learn to love her? Are you willing to treat her right and respect her as your wife? Are you going to treat her like your friend and partner and not just some property you acquired? Are you willing to build a home with her? If she gives up her job for you, hope you won't start rubbing it in her face?
DeleteAre you willing to adjust and quit the bachelorhood lifestyle?
You need to be very honest with yourself. Go ahead and marry her If you know you are willing to make your marriage work and build a home with her.
If otherwise, please do not marry her because you want to appease your mum.
180-250k should be enough for baby and mother's upkeep. This is apart from baby essentials that needs to be bought I.e cotbed, clothes etc.
All the best as you do the rght thing.
Don't make that woman lose her job over a loveless marriage o. Even if she stops working, one day she will regret doing so. Talk and explain things to her.
DeleteAnon 15:46 YOU HAVE JUST SAID IT ALL... YES AM SHOUTING YOU HAVE SAID IT ALL.... POSTER YOU BETTER TAKE THAT ADVICE
DeleteIf the lady is OK with the marriage, and you are also OK with it.. Fire on.
ReplyDeleteAbout stay at home wife, me I don't like it oo.. At least let her continue with her job.
Get a nanny for her to ease work in the house.
And if you don't love her at all, no force am ooo.. You must be emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually available for her.
Don't rush.. One step at a time please
Seems you are been forced to marry her. Some families won't release d child to you or allow d child bear your name until you marry their daughter properly, so u see, u can't eat your cake n have it. If her family have no problems giving your last name to d child, then stick to your babymama arrangement instead of making her miserable in life coz ur mom forced you, n give her 300k a month.
ReplyDeleteSince you don't want her working, set up a business for her. Then pay her monthly allowance and upkeep of ₦100k_#150k.
DeleteWe are not as self centered as you are insinuating. Instead we are rather highly logical. Two different scenarios.
Delete@ official prestige, why should he open business for her and also place her on monthly alloweance of 100k to 150k ? Any of these 2 is ok, if she's given business why do she need monthly allowance again ? the business should be giving her income.
DeleteAnon 17:02 may God not let me meet a man like you AMEN
DeleteOga if you earn 2m monthly and free of house rent, then give her 100k as personal upkeep (mind you i no even dey get 10k sef) and like 200k for house upkeep plus the baby's own.
ReplyDeleteAbuja is expensive. Foodstuffs, transport, note you will have to increase it once baby starts sch and creche fees.
Yes oh best advice from Stella
ReplyDeletePlease do not marry the poor girl. Please attend to her needs from afar and do not make the poor girl’s life a living hell cause of your macho complex.
ReplyDeleteMoving on.
150k per month is ok. When she puts to bed you should increase it.
Please do not marry her.
150k per month?? I get 400k per month and na still manage o.
DeleteLolz at anon15;47 😂😂😂😂
DeleteAnon 15:47 that’s fair but is your husband/boyfriend earning 2M? If you are managing 400k, then you must have an expensive lifestyle.
Delete2M is not so much of money depending on the lifestyle of an individual and this poster has investments he has to attend to... That’s why I won’t advice him to marry the poster. Let her continue her 80k job and give her 150k for starters, when she puts to bed, he definitely should increase it. But if he insists on marrying her, then he should be ready to give her all his salary infact.
One mans manage is another mans hammer!!
Delete150k out of 2mil? Mbanu
DeleteWell like I said when she puts to bed, he should increase the money, heck he could decide to give her 1M.. He said he spends 75% of his salary on investments....So i was calculating based on what is left with him.
DeleteHowever, the poster shouldn’t marry the lady just yet if he isn’t inlove with the lady.
Yes a baby have a way of bringing two partners closer together, But most times such feelings are short lived. If after the birth and poster develops more feelings for the lady, then he should give it a go. Poster please try and talk with the lady if you havnt, who knows she may not even have feelings for you to want to settle down with you too and may be reasonable enough to work something better for you both.
Which village you follow come? N150k for Abuja base? N500k
DeleteThis one hard ooo . Well,don't let someone force you into doing what you don't like but by the way,why don't you like marriage? How was your upbringing like? Marriage is good if you are married to the right partner
ReplyDeleteWhy e no go scared. Seeing the type of comments una dey leave here, body counts, abortions and co! If I weren't already married a long time ago before I discovered this blog, me sef for no reason am Kaka. Except I wan transact business arrangeee.
DeleteExactly! I think it's best you pay her 10% of your salary. For that is what I do with my girlfriend. I work in the oil sector and make double of that a month and give her 10% of it to support her. How much more someone who intends to be the mother of your child.
ReplyDeleteHowever if you know you don't want marriage you should not force it on yourself. I am not judging but since you don't want marriage did you tell the lady before now? It's obvious you would also want your second child to come from her. Was it an agreement you both shared? Because the lady would definitely want to be married.
Hmmmm. This is how girls marry emotionally detached men and send chronicles in the future. My best bet is to not get married. If you must, you must behave like a man in love so you dont damage your kids. If you cant, then y'all should live in different cities.
DeleteSeeing people earn so much,
DeleteChaiiii
Plz I'm looking for job o
I am a graduate with a very good degree.
Plz av mercy on my future
I humbly request.
I work though and won't be a stay at home wife for anything. But since uou want aunty to quit her job you have to give her something more than her salary for her own upkeep. Cos from there she will settle her family like she used to before you met her.
ReplyDeleteYou will have to buy her a car when the baby comes. Oga you are rich, apend the money.
Poster, I understand that you are financially stable, have a good head on your shoulders and know where you are headed right now. Very good for you! But in all of these, do you love your unborn children? Because, if you do, one way or another you wouldn't make your wife/child's mom a dependent.
DeleteAsk yourself, what if you dropped dead 3yrs after this whole arrangement? I'm sure you've not looked at it from that angle...
I go with Stella, you have no business with marriage. Just give her enough upkeep money. But marriage, my brother don't go there.
ReplyDeletePlease get married. For you to consider her upkeep,it shows you have an iota of feelings for her. You never can tell you might end up loving her more and even enjoying the marriage more. I pray God makes you both the right partner for each other.
ReplyDeleteABI ooh.... poster please take this advice
DeleteYour mother is right and she has morals. You should get married. You were man enough to sleep with her and get her pregnant, so you must have found her attractive. You may grow to love her or you may not. However that child has a right to be raised in a two parent family. If you don't want your wife to work pay her a minimum of 200k, get her a car and someone to help around the house. Having a new baby is very stressful. You now need to think of someone else besides your self.
DeleteTwo parent family with love glaringly missing no follow abeg. I dont wish that on any child
DeleteIf you know how to have sex and impregnate. Let him do the right thing. He seems like a decent person since he is thinking about her welfare. Love will grow.
DeleteMy dear .Thanks for your advice. Alot of bitter heart here .Telling him not to marry her and maka her another babymama .the will stil mock and laugh her tommorrow.Marry her oga ,Have your kids love will grow.How many people marry for love. follow your mums advice.if e work e work ,if no work no wahalaaa
DeleteAt 37 you don't want to marry someone you impregnanted? Oga what else are you looking for that you have not seen before?
DeleteMARRY HER.
Sleeping with someone's child without a condom at 37..
Money is not everything pls.
Marriage and kids are also investments pls.
If you like let other people be advising you how much to give her.
Think if you have a sister that is pregnant how much you expect to be given to her monthly for upkeep by your standard.
She is even better off without someone like you sef.
Stella has said it all. If I just chop in my 2 cents, since you’ve been forced to marry the said lady, please and please do not make her life a living hell. Treat her right not just as the mother of your kids but also as your darling wife and companion.
ReplyDeleteThat’s it!! Treat her with respect no matter why u married her!!!
DeleteI agree. Treat her with kindness. You both got yourselves into this mess. This is not the time for resentment and please do not keep telling her how you upgraded her etc. If you were so above her why stoop so low.
DeleteThank you for this comment @ lady Jay
DeleteYou are afraid to let your wife work because you think that other lecherous men will strafe her like you probably do
ReplyDeletein the offices. Very promiscuous men are insecure, very very insecure.😏😏
Ermm, what are u saying? Is that the advice is he asking for?
DeleteStella biko hapu ya,leave him alone let him marry her,he dated her her till he got her pregnant but cannot marry her,I agree love isn’t enough but his question is he’s confused d abt the allowance to be giving his wife as a stay at home mum
ReplyDeleteTo answer ur question oga,you check the quality of life u want ur family to live,quality of food,sch,cloth,discuss this with her and you both arrive at a conclusion how much it’ll be
But o🤔jst thinking aloud,what if she says she wants to keep her job,wetin u go do?
Where do people get good jobs like this is all that is on my mind, Oluwa shower ur blessings on me am kuku not lazy. Poster with regards to your baby mama not working I think this is something you have to discuss with her and give her the room to make a choice as well. Although it is a good idea she stays home to nuture until the child starts to go to school then she can decide to get a job or start a business since you can afford it. Idle hands are the devils workshop allowing her to be engaged in her own activities will save you a whole lot of domestic problems. Then again you did not say you hate your baby mama since it wasn’t a one night stand I believe you guyzz did have a relationship which I don’t believe you can have without an element of love been involved. So why not get over your phobia for marriage and marry her raise your family in a traditional way. The single dad shenanigans is not always the best package oh ask Ubi and tuface all the best.
ReplyDeleteWao, a reasonable one; ain't I disappointed? Na! I'm gonna answer every devilish comment that flatters to deceive here today!
ReplyDeleteOga, this one that's working should know and value money now though, but with women, nobody actually knows their full might until we wife them and empower them! Also, we are about age mates although I got married in my twenties. I want to confidently tell you to be a man and shun mumsi on this one - suit yourself, you will bear the brunt alone eventually. Furthermore, you know this babe much better than anybody else. It's good to marry someone wey dey financially compatible sha, no arguments there, but it no blueprint for successful union. I won't advice you to abort pregnancy or not, David didn't propose that but he indirectly ordered the murder of Uriah yet it was recorded unto him as "a man after God's heart" - that's very personal decision, fornication is a sin, just like abortion too, but they carry different amount of consequences altogether!
To the Koko, let the woman work please, I won't allow a man to house wife my sister, daughter or kindred - mba, e no good! Except she wants to, and that's a red flag already. Bottom line; if you must marry her, don't ENSLAVE HER! Discuss things through, various amounts(sums) will turn up here, bro, laslas it depends - conclusively, I agree with Stella's.
Can't proof read, hope I made sense though.
PS. Many real brains dey this blog too sha oo, though mostly dumbos....ptsew
Nigerian men. We are the real MVPs of the world yet grossly undervalued by our locals. See how we sustain women like they are handicapped yet they be clamoring equality upandan.
DeleteIf you think I'm blabbing, just imagine say na woman send in this chronicles with this question? Imagine the litness of the comment section??
Ahaaaa, you get the picture now, #dropsmic
Mr real brain. Clap for yourself SHIOR!!
DeletePlease let her work. You don't love her, very soon that child and her job might be her only salvation.
ReplyDeleteI studied in England and I work with the federal government my salary is less than 80k. My husband didn't want me working as well because my salary is not enough for half of our monthly provisions but I stood my ground. My case is so ridiculous that the difference between my salary and that of my driver's is 10k despite having 3 degrees. What I've realised is that a job is not only about money, it gives a level of independence and self worth. My husband can wake up any day and decide to take another wife, it's our culture and our religion why should I give up my job? If the girl is wise, she wouldn't give up her job. Alhamdulilah my husband provides well for us but anything can change. You would end up resenting her and she would hate you in return if you force her to leave her job.
I like that refused to stop working. Can you try to apply for jobs in other places?
Delete@ Charity
DeleteThe Anno May like where she is working because it gives her time for her family
Do not marry her!!!
ReplyDeleteYou don’t like marriage and obviously you don't love her. Don’t punish yourselves by being together.
Where there’s no love, there will never be peace and happiness.
Even for some that were in love and married, they are not finding it easy.
Get her a nice apartment, pay her like 200k monthly and PLEASE allow her work or do whatever business she wants.
My cousin had this girl his parents wanted him to marry.
They were together for over 4 years. Cousin didn’t love her, was always cheating on her and disrespected her a lot.
The chic is nice, homely...the kind every man would love to be with but unfortunately, cousin didn’t love her.
They kept breaking and making up. My cousin didn’t deserve that girl. Insulted and yelled at her at will, even in his friends presence.
During one of their break ups, she confided in me about some guy she’d known for many years who wanted to marry her.
She said she didn’t like him, I advised her to give him a chance and if after sometime she still didn’t feel anything for him, she could break it off. But guess what, she’s in love with the guy.
My cousin tried making up with her, I told her not to allow it.
Her new man loves and worships her. Her wedding is September.
Love is very important in every relationship.
My younger brother married a girl because he got her pregnant. Worst mistake of his life.
DeleteThat wasn't the worst mistake of his life Mr okoro. The worst mistake if his life was sleeping with someone he didn't feel was good enough to be wifed, fornicating without condom and being hypocritical.
DeleteGbam anon!!!
DeleteStellakoko, you have said it all.
ReplyDeleteDear Dear , a 37yr old actually marrying because his mother insists! wow , God please deliver me from such men who cant make up independent decisions!
ReplyDeletePLEASE LISTEN TO STELLA, DO NOT MARRY YOUR BABY MAMA, maintain the status quo!
and have you had a discussion with her whether she want to be SAHM? Or you have made your decision just like your mom has and expects her to ride along ? Look you aint ready for marriage or any relationship whatsover.
I am actually annoyed
Forget the babe, to her this man is pure gold. If she didn't want the tittle of babymama, she knew what to do. On the other hand, guyman was nacking raw and standing aloof on the fence.
DeleteThere is no advantage in raising kids without being married, in my opinion - guyman is learned.
He can fuck and impregnate her but can't marry her. Did he wait to fall in love before having raw sex with her.
DeleteAny girl that's good enough for you to have sex with should be good enough to be your wife.
Give her 10% for house keeping and 15% of your salary as personal allowance.
Alexander
So how many ladies will he end up paying 200k per month and how many houses will he end up renting for them?
ReplyDeleteAnd when he loses his job, what happens to the ladies and their allowances? ❓❓❓❓❓❓❓❓❓❓❓❓❓❓❓❓❓
Hmnmmnn. Another nice perspective.
DeleteThank you you deserve a bottle of chilled coke. Men are their own problem. You find her worthy to sleep with countless times but not as a wife cos you never wanted to get married. Why didn’t you tell her, why sleep with her without protection...you think she also wanted to be a baby mama? Don’t frustrate someone’s child o cos tomorrow you will have a daughter too.
DeleteDoes every woman sleep with the kind of man they want to marry?
DeleteDon't marry because of the condition or marry out of love.
ReplyDeleteCos small argument nag, one will carry bottle, another will carry knife and next will be devil's work.
Any marriage that doesn't stand with a good foundation will surly crack.
Seetee, na wah for this your advice, he is 37yrs and unmarried and got a girl pregnant, he should marry her love develops with time. He want to be single and impregnate more girls remember he has money. If he does not want the girl to work, he should open a business for her, cos idleness is devils workshop.Please try and marry and look responsible
ReplyDelete*out of pity *
ReplyDeleteMrs Korkus, your ink will not finish!
ReplyDeletePoster, don't marry that woman! Just stick with Mrs Korkus advice.
Obviously, you can't use your expired brain to reason properly
DeleteY are u insulting her
DeleteNah wah oh.
U are a confirm trouble maker
Amend ur ways .
I support Stella's suggestions. While at it, make sure you are involved in your child's life 100%.
ReplyDeleteYou knew you didn't want marriage and you were fucking raw! Abi you stylishly wanted to turn the girl to your baby mama?
Did she outrightly agree to be a baby mama? Did you come out plain and honest with what you wanted from day 1?
Because if you did, she would have given you her conditions in order to agree to this arrangement and this discussion of marriage talk with your mum wouldn't have existed! !
My guess is you saw her to be a good girl from a good background, who will nurture your kids, then you decided she will be the one to birth your child, turning the poor girl to a baby mama!
Men!! Always making selfish and calculative moves!
Look at how you are about to destroy this girl's life with your selfishness.
Haba! Poor girl would have been thinking she was in a relationship with a responsible well to do guy!
Women, think like men when dealing with them in a relationship.
Op you are selfish and self-absorbed!
Ok, this guy got this girl pregnant, is planning on marrying her and is asking us how much he should be giving her for monthly upkeep and you typed this epistle of insults for him, i am just imagining what then you would have done if he had denied the pregnancy or become a dead beat, you would have written a dictionary then
DeleteRainbow, don't mind these sadists. Instead of advising the man, they're busy talking shit and judging him.
DeletePoster, don't listen to anyone who says you shouldn't marry her. Marry her and place her on a 300k monthly allowance
Shoot u are so full
DeleteOf hatred OMG!
Can't u comment without insult?
Nawa oooo since u decided not to get married. You have no right to have unprotected sex, so what were you expecting to come out of unprotected sex 😏😏😏😏😏. Please don't punish someone's daughter.
ReplyDeleteHe does it even have the right to have sex at all. He should have been a celibate and lock up🚶♂️
DeletePlease marry the lady, you can learn to love her when you guys are married. I don't see why you want her to stop working. What if anything happens tomorrow? Start a business for her if you can, at least that will give her time. Above all don't change your mind because some people feel you shouldn't marry her ejor
ReplyDeleteThe wrongest advice is to convince someone to marry.... and expect the love to grow, in most cases it doesnt.
DeleteEyah, see end time appeal...,lol
DeleteWhy sleep with her without protection when u don’t want marriage? What were u expecting after pouring sperm inside her? Well in as much as I would have said don’t marry her, u have to now that a baby is on d way nd try to make it work, pls don’t insist she stops working, she didn’t attend university to be told to stop working even if u would give her monthly allowance! Try nd consider others when making decisions,do u knot if the job gives her emotional balance? Abeg!
ReplyDeleteStop reasoning like u just came from village.
DeleteSo many people dont want marriage but desire children.
You are d one from the village anon 16:25, the people who don’t want marriage but kids should find people who reason like them, why have kids with someone who wants marriage? Explain! Go for someone with same belief like u
DeleteI don't think you should marry her, why get married to someone you don't love and how are you sure you can live with her. Don't mbok because the moment you start showing her signs you don't love her or feel anything towards and if she in turn loves you, it will wreck her cos she will start feeling worthless and not good enough, worst part is you want to make her a full time housewife, Don't do it or better still tell her from the onset, if she likes it that way then you both can go for it. By the way, do most companies in nigeria pay their staff a million naira as salary for a month? Just curious
ReplyDeleteYes, there are companies mostly Oil companies that pay that amount and even more depending on your rank/level.
DeletePlease discuss this extensively with your woman before walking her down the aisle, her happiness should matter to you, whatever decision you both makes you take it up from there. For me atleast pay her more of what she is currently earning for her personal upkeep
ReplyDeleteStart her on 200k. 125 for the house and 75 for herself. When u see how she manages money u can increase it. As for those of us saying don’t marry her, marriage happens for all sorts of reasons. Love, money, pregnancy, family ties etc. since he didn’t refuse outright I think a part of him wants to marry her so pls young man go ahead. U guys may fall into a comfortable companionship. After all me that married for love 18 years later where is the love? It’s all companionship. Good luck
ReplyDeleteU are right, marriage happens for all sort of reasons
DeleteNo part of him wants to marry her, this is the dangerous way in which women delude themselves when a man has clearly said HE DOES NOT WANT. At a point you have to take responsibility and tell yourself the bitter truth. he has said he does not want.
DeletePoster go ahead and marry her, some people i know too that married out of love are no where to be found today. Listen to the advice above and do the needful.
DeleteStella is right, Pls if you don’t want to get married then don’t cos even people who prayed for marriage and were supposedly in love are struggling, ur mum won’t be able to help u when d emotional Wahala starts. Just take good care to the lady and ur child.
ReplyDeleteOga abeg what kind of thing is this? Whatever you do pls let her continue her job wether you marry her or not. She's good to impregnate but not good to wife. I don't blame you. Na the person wey carry herself give you I blame!!
ReplyDeleteSo everyone is encouraging him not to marry her thinking there is no love or lust attached in the first place.
ReplyDeleteThe poster is not spilling the whole beans,so how did the pregnancy come about...because if it's a one night stand the poster would have mentioned it.
There must have been a connection in the first place to make u sleep with the girl.
Only you know what u want..if u like her go for it and if not..gbe body eee.
Are you gay? Just looking for a victim to carry your baby? A victim who would end up being a full-time Nanny? Is that why you don't want her to work? You have had this all planned out all along. You don't want to marry her and don't want her to work at the same time? Hope nothing? If you don't marry her you will just be a baby daddy who has no right to dictate her what goes on in her life to her even a husband cannot force his wife to stop working let alone a baby daddy. You don't have a say. Just drop money to care for the children and mind your business because if you have told her you won't marry her she would never have gotten pregnant to end up as a baby mama.
ReplyDeleteAnon 15:53, exactly the same thoughts going through my head!
DeleteOp is as selfish as most Nigerian men come!
I am so aggrieved for the poor girl!
It is obvious that he wanted a baby from this girl, and he was dishonest with her from the beginning!
Did she tell you she went to University to be a stay at home nanny??
Will a nanny job provide emotional and psychological balance and fufilment a full time job provides?
You want her to be at your almighty mercy, so that you can do with her as you please!
Op is a low key narcissist and a control freak!
He is looking to remove the very thing that empowers the girl, her job, so that she will broken completely!
If you are not a control freak, you will only be asking for suggestions on how to make her and your baby happy and as comfortable as your standard can permit.
You will be looking for ways to appease her given that you played her and her love for you to achieve your aim!
Not still dishing out your wants and brandishing your salary and financial prowess in our faces!
If she is reading this, she should never think of marrying you for her own sanity!
@anon15:53 you see that your last sentence so, na urself you take give example there. Don't speak for the whole female race please*! BTW, babydaddy is a much more cooler tittle than babymama. Additionally, man go easily still fit marry whenever whoever-remember he's boxed up.....when so forget empty threats
DeleteKing the female in your household are the examples used in the last paragraph not me. I don't even have premarital sex in my relationship because I don't believe in fornication so what rubbish are you saying? but that doesn't mean I should not say the truth when I see one.
DeleteIf you had a brain you would have known he had it all planned and forvsomeone like this who badly wanted a child but no marriage, he would have given her assurance to the extent she got pregnant. He didn't use protection on purpose and he would have encouraged her one way or the other to achieve his aim. When people send their story in they do it in a way to be free of blame that if you are smart you still see through them.
Maybe in your eyes baby daddy is cooler than baby mama but trust me baby daddies are not some ladies type too and not everyone has a good perception of them. I can't tell you how many I discarded before meeting my fiance. Money is not everything character matters too.
Anon 17:19 you are so right. Lol some of you don’t know most men out there would rather have baby mamas than marry. I have one on my neck rn. What havnt he used to entice and convince me? But his character is zero. Even if I’m on the same page with him, I can’t have a child with him only cause of his character. So yes, money isn’t everything.
DeleteThe housekeeping would depend on the meal choices/preferences. While 200k housekeeping might look outrageous for a family of three (baby inclusive) to some,it doesn't scratch the surface for others.
ReplyDeleteSo discuss with her and reach an agreement.
However personally, 200k is elaborate enough. A wise woman can even save from that.
For her upkeep, if she accepts to be a stay-at-home mum, give her something bigger than her current salary. Moreover, let her enrol in PG studies so if need be, she can return to work upgraded.
I have a family of 6 (an infant inclusive) and we spend just around that - and our income is way more than that. We chose to live below our means when levels changed 3 years ago so as to ramp-up assets (country home, business place, residence etc).
Marry her!!!
ReplyDeleteIf you are sure that she loves you, go ahead and marry her as long as you have a little love or likeness for her.
Love grows even in marriage. Both of you might make a very beautiful and enviable home. No one knows tomorrow.
Go ahead and marry her!!!
Is she a liar?
Is a violent person?
Does she double date?
If not, then, go ahead and marry her. Your peace of mind matters a lot.
Some of these people that claim to be in love don't even know what love means. Most people mistake infatuation for love.
Ask your mom if she thinks the lady is good for you, talk to her. "Mom, if I didn't put this girl in a family way and I brought her to you as the lady I want to marry, would you give your 100% consent? Forget pregnancy now, judge from her character and think of my happiness". She would tell you how she sincerely feels about the whole thing.
You never had marriage in mind, right? Well, this is an opportunity to give it a shot. Go for it.
LOVE GROWS.
Stella thank you. Poster, you should have used protection since you don't want to Marry or even have a child now. You should have carefully planned all this. Please since in your heart you don't want to marry, then don't marry. You are an adult and should not be forced to get married. Disregard your mama's advice and don't marry. You might end up regretting. Next time, get a surrogate next time and be woke. Don't be gbenshing without condoms. Be responsible
ReplyDeleteDear sir, I think you should be as generous as possible because apart from your monthly salaries, you have other investments and assets, so I'm judging based on your networth, and not necessarily on your monthly income. For her monthly upkeep, baby stuff and housekeeping, I would say at least N350k. Now that you are about to become a husband and a dad, your responsibilities have upturned exponentially. Surely, you aren't expecting to spend the way you did when you were single and unencumbered by fatherly responsibilities, are you? You have to increase your budget to accommodate your new family.
ReplyDeleteI know people are different and the dynamics of every home differs, but may I advise you like I would a younger brother, please make this lady as happy as possible and be generous, that's one of the ways this arrangement will be bearable, I dare say pleasant. Now that she's going to be a stay at home mum, she deserves a lot, don't you think? When I got married at 24, I was already a practicing lawyer earning way above my pay grade and getting a massive monthly allowance from my dad. Do you know what my hubby did? In spite of my solid financial standing, my Mr. Wonderful placed me on a monthly allowance double what I got from my dad and just so you know, what I got from my dad was way more than my monthly income at the law firm I was with, at the time.
You know what? 18 years later, my hubby still gives me a monthly allowance regardless of the fact that I'm now an ADR consultant who earns a lot, plus other fantastic perks. I respect my guy so much for being such an amazingly generous provider. He takes care of EVERYTHING financially and still spoils me with gifts. I don't think you should consider what she earns or used to earn. I think you should consider what you can afford then spoil her a little every now and again. The phrase " Happy wife, happy life" exists for a reason. Please try to make this arrangement as painless as possible for both of you. If you treat her right, not just financially but with tenderness and patience, she would reciprocate by making the home a nice and warm place to be. Who knows? Skeptics have been known to become true believers. You MAY just find out that this marriage thing isn't so bad after all.
Good luck!
Wow i respect you
DeleteWell said Ronalda! Very well said!
DeleteLadies, Please run from this type of men. Do not agree to be a full house wife even if he pays you 10Million naira per month. Make your own money. This man right here will make that lady miserable. I pity her already.
ReplyDeleteI pity the woman. I hope that she has a say in all these. If you don't want complicated situation ship use protection. This life is not so hard. Now look at the mess. Bro, don't marry her if you would let her suffer. Men! You want her not to work because you earn 2 mil. You want her to give up her career for you. Selfishness is real.
ReplyDeleteAll I could deduce from your post is "I, I, I. You are very selfish! Have you thought about the lady as well? You don't love her, you don't believe in marriage, yet you want to make someone's daughter miserable. Oh yes! She'll be miserable in a loveless marriage. Since you knew from the get go that you're not cut out for marriage why didn't you look for a lady that has the same mindset as you?? I'm actually really offended by this post. Please do not marry that girl and if you do, don't stop her from working. Her job may eventually be where she finds solace once you start making her life miserable .
ReplyDeleteYou are just lucky with wealth but not exactly very wise. Grow up. Rent a good apartment for her and give her upkeep of N50k every month. Buy provisions yourself and send monthly. You may choose to increase as the years go by. Pay the childs school fees yourself, be cordial with the lady. If she behaves well and wants to improve, you can send her to a fashion school or something but dont over do anything before she starts to see it as her right. Good luck
ReplyDeleteYou are poverty personified! I pity any woman that will near you. See reasoning! SMH 🤦♀️
DeletePlease!Dont mistake wickedness for wisdom. Anon you are a very wicked person. See how you just adviced the poster to treat a fellow human being. Will you like your sister or daughter to be treated like this? It's possible the poster didn't make his position towards marriage known to this lady. Is it a crime for his child to enjoy his money? 50k kini?
DeleteGod bless u Deae Butterscotch!
DeleteI've learnt this from u "DON'T MISTAKE WICKEDNESS FOR WISDOM"
Poster did you tell this to girl...dat you don't want to get married at all? That you're doing this because of your mum persistence? If the girl's family would allow you take the child without marrying her then you need explain ur stance about marriage to her. After then, would you be considering how much to give. But if the reverse is the case then go ahead with the marriage but make sure she's aware you never wanted marriage.
ReplyDeleteDear boy, you are man enough to choose between life and death. Many will tell you marry or not marry but I'm interested on how you prepare to raise a child. What type a child do you want to raise, honestly you sounds like a bully, you might be discomforting people around you by your choice of word. Don't pass this mindset to your kids. Please restructure your mindset before getting married cause you can't marry well when the desire is to have kids
ReplyDeleteThank you. Poster just wants to have kids.
DeletePlease don't get married out of compulsion. Like Stella said, get her an apartment, pay rent as at when due and 200k should be enough monthly for their upkeep. If down the line, you want to marry her, then, you can. But, do not marry her now. You may hate her and the child if you do.
ReplyDeletePlease oga I use God name beg you, do not marry her, please come to an agreement with her and place her on a monthly allowance to help care for the child. The monthly upkeep excludes school fees and what not when the time comes o. Please the last thing this world needs is another unhappy wife, please explain to her your fears concerning marriage. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteMelancholy
But come to think of it, you put away 75% of your income for savings/investment monthly.... what you are working on is how much to pay from the 15%.... Bros allow this lady to earn her money in peace Biko....
ReplyDeleteNow you are planning to settle down and not wanting your wife to work, and baby is also on the pipeline you should know the amount you spend as a bachelor won't be the same when married. So you start by reducing the amount you save so as for you to have enough money at hand.10% of your monthly income will suffice
Your mother knows you very well. She knows how self centred you are and I commend her for insisting you do the right thing. You are 37. You are not a child. Do you think it's ok for you to make this girl a baby mama not deserving of a moral and legal family unit? You should have both used protection if you were not ready for the responsibility. I am with your mum on this one. Marry her and treat her well. A minimum of 200k excluding all other bills seems fair. Plus most importantly put some money aside for the child in a trust fund. Marriage is not just based on love or feelings.
ReplyDeleteIf you were smart enough to get her pregnant, be smart enough to marry her... just kidding
ReplyDeleteYou can partner with her(not marriage) for the sake of the child. Baby needs a father figur . Separate apartment will give enough closeness to your child.
Dear Poster, If you don't love this lady why did you have sex with her and unprotected one for that matter? Have you thought about the fact that you will turn her to a single mother and might even cause embarrassment for her and her family? Will you want someone to do that to your sister? A lot of arranged marriage ended up working out. What matters most is maturity and commitment on both sides. If her character is good please go ahead and marry her and I will also suggest that you open a business outfit for her that she will be able to manage and also find time to to take care of the family. You don't know what will happen tomorrow, things might not be rosy in the future. Besides have you consulted her on this issue and gotten her input. I once rejected a relationship because the guy wanted a stay at home wife. I lost my job along the line and it pains me sometimes when my hubby shouts on me to find a job when he feels overwhelmed financially. Besides how will you feel when she comes to you every time she wants to help her family? Mind you, your expenses are also going to shoot up with having a wife and baby on the way.
ReplyDeleteIt will be a very bad and selfish idea not to let her work. Forget about the money you will be giving her, et her express herself and be happy with whatever she does to do.
ReplyDeleteThey can give marriage a try. If it doesn't work they go their separate ways. He has the mind to marry her so he definitely feels something for her.
ReplyDelete80k personal upkeep and 70k housekeeping ,total 150k.
If your mom is forcing you to marry her, you're not into her. Save yourself ( and her) a lifetime of heartache by not marrying her. Put her on a monthly salary. Take of your child. I know several couples that had this same scenario and married. I can't begin to tell you how horrible it has been. The guys eventually had their side chicks plus wife. Fighting and quarreling everyday. Simply put, DO NOT MARRY HER!!!
ReplyDeletePoster man, don't get carried away by your money. The lady herself might also not like you. She might also be forced by circumstances to stay with you, or it MIGHT be what made her BE and STAY pregnant.
ReplyDeleteIt's not bad that you want her to stay at home, your opinion counts and her opinion also counts even if all it seems you think she is bringing over to the marriage is her womb.
You can ask her opinion, if she is fine with it at least it would mean one other thing (besides the baby) is going on well in the union.
If she doesn't want to stay at home or will want to stay at home partially, then rethink your reasons for wanting her to stay at home and her reasons for not wanting to.
Your getting married to her doesn't mean your staying married. What forced either of you to get married might not be strong enough to keep you married.
If you both do get married,
Open your mind to love her, if love is not enough you know you tried.
If you love her and the family you make giving her money won't become an issue.
Of course your reasoning will tell you how much is necessary to run a home, but your love for your family will tell you the standard of living you want you and your family to have.
If she loves you and she applies wisdom, she also won't want to run you down and she would find a way to run the home well.
Poster please do love her, marriages work more when the man is of a mind to make it work.
Teatree
You always put aside 75%? Approximately 1.5m? When you take out the living expenses in Abuja from 500k how much will you be able to pay her? Will you even be able to pay her 80k for her own personal upkeep?
ReplyDeleteIf I were the lady in the equation, nothing you will pay me can keep me away from doing my own thing. Is she on the same page with you on this? Or are you imposing it as a condition she must accept if you ‘do her the honors of marriage’? Well, you have said you are old fashioned, that will not stop me from saying you are limiting her economically if she isn’t on the same page with you on this, and I believe this is intentional, but to each his own.
My advice: together with her, make a list of everything that needs to be done in the house, or at least expenses you need her to take care of from the house-keeping fund. Agree on the amount with her, then in addition, give her at least 80k for her personal upkeep🤨. Not many people can give you a good estimate of the house-keeping allowance because it varies from place to place, depends on your environment and depends on what you want included.
Before you say she is not incurring transport and rent expenses bla bla bla, consider that she may want to have her own savings as well, investments, may have people depending on her, etc, I don’t know her circumstances, but don’t make her worse-off than where she was.
P.S - when married, does your old-fashioned self consider disclosing your earnings to your wife so as to put her on the same page with your savings plan - the gods forbid🙇🏻♀️
I pity that woman who wants to get married to you.
ReplyDeleteMy advice to you as a woman and mother and also grandmother today who has been in that situation before, is:
ReplyDelete*From now going forward, please lay your intentions on the table with sincerity and total honesty!!!
Don't try to play games here, manipulate anything or trick anybody! Because see now there's another human being in this shenanigan, in fact a very innocent person in all this, a poor child who did not ask to be an illegitimate child or son of an unmarried woman.
*Let it be that everyone is totally clear on your intention here and actions. Nobody should force you to marry, have a family or accept such responsibilities and baggage that comes with it for the rest of your life! after all now in many european countries like Sweden, France etc, there's a law that protects single or unmarried and unattached men from taking any responsibility from pregnancies, child support or any economic and social attachments, even immigration status obligations to such child and their mother!
Shikena!!!
*** So please..please try and be on the same page with the woman carrying your unborn child now and let it be known exactly whether you are making her a "baby mama" because you feel like or consider yourself too good for her, man that is going to be playing god with her life and son's life and future by looking forward to receiving handouts from you, drop in visits, charity and begging you for this and that.
***Now let me tell you something very important; that once you open this can of worm, there is good possibility that things may never work your way, and onward will become a downhill road to estrangement, toxic relationship with your child, "baby mama" and at the greater stake is the status of your future generations through this child now!!!
Questions to ask yourself and important things to reflect on:
* Do you think this woman/ girl now will always be in a lower position or the subordinate to you for the rest of her life?
*Do you think your income status is guaranteed or as your perceptions of being an above average income earner will remain the same in reality forever?
*Do you think this woman will never meet a man to marry her, claim father to your child and provide for her/him what a real father is obliged to give their child in a life time? which is unconditional love and guidance, protection from harm and danger, responsible direction and a resource for good development.
*Do you think the woman/ girl now will always remain at the level to look at your face, even to have time for you? Could she develop herself and grow in her life to become the category of person that doesn't need a handouts from a man to sustain her life or child(ren) ? In fact do you know if she will the lottery tomorrow and then you and your intended handouts mean nothing to her considering her levels?
***Finally, do you think she will not move on...NO LONGER AVAILABLE FOR ANY SHENANIGANS, UNINTERESTED IN CONNECTING WITH YOU AND AT PEACE WITH HER LIFE FREE FROM SUCH CIRCUMSTANCES/ DRAMA THAT YOU WANT TO SET HER UP FOR NOW?
I wish you luck! The dream is free! The nightmares could be for real..oh!!!
Wooow
DeleteThank you so much for this 💗,
It was really nice to read 🙂 very well outlined.
Hmmm
ReplyDeleteSomeone you don’t love and you want her to be a house wife n be thinking about ur nonsense when you’re out...
You’re a murder!
Narcissistic Traits. The lady should stay away from you. You cannot love and will never love anyone. Start using condoms.
ReplyDeleteYou already addressed her as your wife even as you are yet to marry her. It shows you care a little. Why not just give it your best and not just marry her because she got pregnant for you. Women are multipliers, she turns a house into a home, I daresay a happy home if you are willing to put in the work that will build a happy home, just like Ronalda says... As for what you want to pay her monthly. Have a discussion with her and know if she's willing to be a stay at home wife first. If she's willing then you can negotiate her salary with her, but be willing to give her something fair say from 200k upwards because you see as a married person, depending on your lifestyle, the Bills keep increasing, and with a baby on the way, it just keeps going up. However if she's not ready to be a stay at home mom, be ready to compromise because she may be unfulfilled and unhappy no matter how much you pay her. There's this pride and joy that comes with being in employment,and contributing your little quota in society development.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations in advance sir
It is dangerous for us here to try to convince poster to get married, when he strongly stated that he doesn't believe in marriage - lets stop it. What if he is bi? Poster dont marry that girl. You lack the psychological depth to withstand the turbulence that comes with spending and sharing the rest of your life with someone, we understand. Marriage is first, for those who wants it, before you start mentioning the reason why they want it, love.... do not go and make yourself miserable. And in turn frustrates this young lady who i know doesn't even know what she got herself into.
ReplyDeleteA baby is not supposed to be a bargaining chip for two adults to share their lives. I tell you, your miserablities and eventually the toxic environment that you both will create in that home, will have a negative impact on this child. Some of us have experienced first hand, the agony of living in a house where two parents dont like each other.
You can get her a comfortable apartment. For the allowance, i suggest you pay her 400k a month. You and i know how bad the economy is and you wouldn't want you kid raised shabbily. I know you can afford it, and your 75% will have to be reduced. You have a baby coming. Take responsibility with your chest like a man. But do not be presured into lying to yourself that you can smart you way into having a happy marriage, when you never wanted to get married in the first place.
Give yourself time, when you change your mind about marriage and you are sure its her, then you can marry.
What if you find the love of your life after her? What if you find your actual spec. There is usually that one woman that makes a man think about marriage, dont you guys usually say you always knew from day one with no doubt?
We dont want any more bad chronicles about marriage anymore, do the community some good and stay away from marriage since you never wanted it.
Lastly, have a deep and candid conversation with her about this.
Wow! Well, my first concern is, are you both on the same page regarding your intentions? I have always been an advocate of people defining 'relationships'... I am also one who does not believe that an unplanned pregnancy is solid bases for marriage. Because of the society we live in, it sounds like a taboo, for someone to not want to get married. However, the truth is that not every should marry or procreate (hot topic for debate). From this arrangement, and from the information you gave us, the only link between you and this girl, is your unborn child and the desire you have to please your mum. This is fine, if the girl is on the same page with you, that she knows you are 'wifing' her against your personal convictions and that what you want is your child(ren) and not to disobey your mama. Believe me some people are okay with this arrangement. Please don't go ahead to marry a girl, who has an expectation of a happy family, loving husband and all.
ReplyDeleteOn how much you should pay her as allowance,I believe other bv's have done justice to the matter. Cheers.
But people don't just work for the money....also I think its not healthy being a stay-at-home wife...
ReplyDeleteOga..u should have thought of uding protection since u had no intentions of settling down..Hope it's not what I'm thinking.U have to marry her ..Not all women want to be baby mamas.We're in 2020.Discard all these "I want my wife to be a house" mantra.Nothing is 100% guaranteed in life.What will happen when u are not there or you lose your source of income?..Set up a business for her or allow her work.U could facilitate professional courses for her which will boost her level at work..
ReplyDeleteNow u have more responsibility at home,I'd say reduce the 75% of your savings to 65% n give her half of 35% to manage the home;allowance inclusive..