Stella Dimoko Korkus.com: Chronicle Of Blog Visitor Narrative....

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Saturday, May 23, 2020

Chronicle Of Blog Visitor Narrative....

Hmmmmmm...








STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
PARENT ISSUES


I don't want my parent in my business; I got transferred to the town where my parents are and immediately I saw my letter my heart was broken.


 I knew I wasn't emotionally ready to live with them, I didn't even see myself living with them again and they won't agree for me to rent my own space.

 I am the only girl and I am 24, growing up was hell ,the closest sibling to me is 12 years older he is the only 1 that gets me. 


My parents ruined my childhood and now want to take glory for my adulthood by giving some advice that I no longer need, where were they when I was battling peer pressure? where were they when I was battling depression as a child? 


I almost got raped in my father's house and I was so scared to tell them because the blame is always on me, where were they when I was failing in school and couldn't concentrate in school due to the domestic violent act they both put up at home? and now I am grown they feel all of that don't have any effect on me? I can't even say it all( d way my mum treats d eldest is different from the way she treats the rest obviously he is the favourite), sometimes my mum looks at me like I am a disappointment ( I wasn't pregnant, I barely leave the house, I did my chores as a child I tried as much as possible to be a good child but it wasn't enough)



They want me to act like it never happened and sit down with them now and talk. Talk about what exactly? 

I couldn't keep friends ,nobody wanted to come to my house because my dad was like thunder and I couldn't visit their houses too, it was forbidden .

now I am all by myself I don't have any friends (primary,secondary, University) I tell myself it is ok but it is not, I don't see my parents as fit to give me any advice infact it is what they tell me to do that I don't want to do.

I am filled with so much pain and anger. 


When ever I tried to speak my mind my dad makes it clear that he paid the fees, I wasn't sent out of school for a day, he provides the food and my mother buys the clothes and her children dresses well. While I was away from home I forgave them because nobody is perfect but ever since I got home it has been 1 problem or the other I try as much as possible to avoid them, I can stay in my room all day on days I am not going to work yet we still jam they make forgiving them hard. 


My parents especially my dad want me to get my masters degree(the MSC I will be paying for) he has been on the case since last year. i told my dad i will when i am ready(when I can cope with work stress and school stress), I won't be doing a masters to satisfy his ego so that they can go around telling people "My Daughter has a Masters Degree" that is all I said and now they refer to me as rude(they don't even see that I am angry they feel they have justified their part as a parent instead they are seeing it as "because she is now working she feels she can talk to me anyhow")


Truth is I just started the process of the masters degree but I didn't tell them because the pressure they will put on me might lead to me failing the exam then they will now see me as a failure. I want to get the admission before I let them know. 

The fact that I don't want my parents in my business "I like to do my things privately " is it a good thing or I am been problematic, judgemental and overreacting?.




*OMG.........i learnt one thing from this....To always listen to my Bambinos and try to be fair...
Please forgive your parents so that you can be happy....
If it was this bad,you should never have moved back home,they will not beat you with a cane if you decide to get a place of your own...

Hmmm in being over protective,they did more harm than good...
Please forgive them....If they will not let you talk then write them a long letter so they can read.....

Be open to forgive and move on.....

90 comments:

  1. This situation is one that is still work in progress. You can't quit. Try your best to resolve the issue. You also need to find a way to talk to them or let go of the situation in your mind. But l think you need get your place. Cos l know if l were in your shoes,it would be easier to resolve with some distance between us

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Eiyah...I understand you perfectly. I had similar experience and I also became resentful at your at at my parents but can i tell you something my dearest? They were the best version of parents they knew how to. Please check their backgrounds and you will see their effort on you and your siblings is an improvement on their own parents. Please don't be disgusted when they brag with your accomplishments, you are their child and yes they are entitled to claim the glory when you do well.

      I feel like giving you a hug. Its ok. In the next few years, with patience and respect, you will forgive them and love them. You will find that come reign or shine, they are your most reliable bank for resources when friendships fail. They love you- no question about that but they raised you how best they knew how to.

      You can insist and get your own place. Restrain yourself from being confrontational or speaking spitefully at them, it will break their hearts and destroy what tomorrow may hold. Please allow time and maturity handle this ish. Just know it at the back of your head that youngsters at your age feel they know it all and hot headed but they actually know nothing. This is the ultimate stage people make irreversible mistakes so you need to be very careful. Give yourself another 6years and you will understand eventually.

      Good luck.

      Delete
    2. Hey poster,your story is so close....
      Our parents(the generation before ours) made the same mistakes that I am sure we won't make with the next generation....!
      Please forgive them,dont hold on to the resentment because it will continue to pull you back,even when you know their advice is good for you you'd still want to repel and that will be like cheating yourself.....
      Most of our dads think school fees was the ONLY important thing they could have given us,thinking about it really where would you be without the fees??,let's say they sha got something right so let the other things go for your own peace of mind...!
      Try to fill the void those emotions made you miss out on,make a list and cross one after the other, for your own happiness, be grateful for the little they were good at!!

      Delete
    3. You have too much bile in you towards your parents. No matter the mistakes they made while raising you,I'm sure they love you. They only made the choices they thought was best and ofcourse they are human and make mistakes. You should use your experience to be a better parent to your kids when you have them. And yes,telling them you won't do masters just to boost their ego is RUDE!
      If you can't live with them,get your own place you're an adult,just explain to them peacefully why you need you own space,they won't beat you.
      You really need to let rid of this hatred for your parents,gosh its sickening to read.
      Alot of people grew up in similar environment or even worse,but we have forgiven and moved on and now thriving to be better parents to our children.
      For your parents "na as them know reach",you know better so do better

      Delete
    4. My dear poster, like Stella said try to forgive your parents and let go of the past. But to do this adequately you have to move out. Or they may continue to provoke you knowingly and unknowingly. You are an adult, so move out.

      Delete
    5. Sorry about what you went through poster.

      Most of our parents style was the military style, very harsh, caning unnecessarily, comparing one child to another, having favourites, abusing their children to a point where it affects their self esteem and all.

      They inherited it and didn't know any better so please forgive and let go off the resentment.

      I pray your days in that house are numbered by virtue of you getting married or getting a better job so you can move out.

      Please If all these doesn't hapoen in 2 years, move out for your sanity but always pop in to visit/spend time with them.

      In the meantime, get busy with other things when you are home to preoccupy you, try and make 1 or 2 friends at work or in church if you are a Christian.


      Delete
    6. I get you perfectly. Same thing happened to me but mine was domestic violence between my parents but instead the violence was more on me and even though my younger sis did same thing, she was encouraged and I was always beaten till twelve midnight and went to school with cane marks all over my body. I never was able to forgive my dad and the house was never comfortable for me growing up. Good thing was the higher institution they allowed me attend was very far from home and I would prefer following my roommates to their house instead during long breaks. Last year, I had to return to base because of work and they wouldn’t also let me rent my own place, so I used to use the excuse of staying at my cousins flat who her dad let her rent just to have peace. I became comfortable staying at home just about a month ago cuz I lost dad. though I was around when he was ill and did all my best to be around as I didn’t want to loose him. Though I forgave him, but was never close to him. I feel sad he’s gone gone now but I’m at peace. I’ts a mixed feeling and weird but I will advise you make peace and just love them now they are still alive but if you need your space to have peace of mind, try to. Living far from them was the only peace I could get but I still miss him being around the house but the fear and unease I used to feel then is no longer there. God help us.

      Delete
  2. Please forgive them and open your heart to enjoy your life.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They probably didn't know any better. It might be hard, but try and forgive them..
      I would have suggested you get your own place, tell them you need to be by yourself, but that might lead to more problems.

      Delete
  3. Bikonu,forgive and let it go. Your parents love and always want the best for you 😘😘

    ReplyDelete
  4. Please forgive them and try to let go of the past.I know it is not easy, but you can start by letting them know what is on your mind, by doing that , you will find the closure you need.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I swear poster this is the story of life, it felt as though I was the one writing the chronicles only that I'm still in school. I see where people are saying you should forgive. while it's not as easy as it sounds, it will never be possible if she is in same roof with her parents.

      I totally understand you poster. Lemme not even start with what my siblings and I have gone through in the hands of my dad. Ha! God! we suffered! I suffered! I'm still suffering! Oh! I cry everytime, I wish everytime that he will just beat me to death one day or I will sleep and not wake up. the emotional torture, all the emotional breakdown, my self esteem is nothing when I'm around them, my confidence mko? Zero! My siblings are working now and have a place of their own so it's just my junior bro and I. if you hear the way my dad insults us in the name of he is a disciplined man. what has he not called me?? just few weeks ago he said he will pour acid on me. he never hesitates to embarrass us outside so that he can look like one disciplined fellow to people outside
      what of hw he has destroyed all of us life in the name of "study medicine" so he can brag to people that his children studied medicine or how he compares us to his friends children that study medicine. just two days ago he was still comparing us to one of his friend that his child just finished PhD.

      I hate when this man laughs or when he tries to make a joke and all I can feel is the pain and torture he has put us through and still putting us through. I just wish death could take one of us at times.
      the sad/ funny part is, I only feel like this when I'm in the same roof with them, all the bitterness, anger just begins to pile up and I just hate him for all what he has put us through. whenever I'm in school, I always call them almost everyday because of the peace of mind I have in school and just wish it can be the same at home. May be it's because of the association I keep and the church I go to. Those people have shown me love on ways I never thought it was possible to be loved.

      poster, if you want to be fine, if you don't want any of this to bother you, old PLS, IM BEGGING! don't stay in the same roof with them, you will hate yourself and them more, you won't have peace of mind. pls just look for how you will tell them you can't live with them. Intact ehn, don't show them your offer letter. Tell them you were transferred to another state. if it's not possible, bargain with them that you will have your own place but come home during the weekends.
      Big E-hugs to us poster. I'm convinced it will only be for a while. it shall pass too

      Delete
  5. Please forgive them and try to let go of the past.I know it is not easy, but you can start by letting them know what is on your mind, by doing that , you will find the closure you need.

    ReplyDelete
  6. If you want to stay away from them, do so, you're just looking for rcise not to be with them, simple.
    They raised you to become whatever you're today and you owe them.
    I don't think they drop your at orphanage home or they abandoned out with family members hike growing up.
    If you don't want to stay with them, fine but don't act like our what you're by your power.
    You're just another ingrate looking for excuse to hang your parents.
    I said what I said and I know I'm right.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Why would you insult her by calling her an ingrate ?
      Are you any better than her ?
      What you have said up here makes no sense at all.
      So she should be grateful because her parents didnt drop her at an orphanage!
      Did she ask to be born ??
      You will be one of those parents that lack empathy or common sense .
      Just because your parents raised you does not mean they can hurt you however they please n not be held accountable.
      They are adults! They can do better raising us.!!!
      Its clear some of y'all here are Toxic AF

      Delete
    2. Honestly, I see her as a rude and disrespectful child

      Delete
    3. See your papa WhatsApp member here(team I trained you in school& you should be grateful despite the kind of toxic learning environment that they equipped you with).
      Some parents have no idea of how their verbal abusive nature& domestic violent incidence has ruined the life of their children..
      That is why you will see a 35yr old man/ woman with zero confidence level & afraid to make eye contact in an interview, it is all about upbringing( when you inculcate too much fear in a child, you go turn am to dindinrin)!!
      Some people grew up from the kind of a home that children were not allowed to express themselves...
      Dear poster, you have been doing things with their own method for the past 24yrs..
      It is time to do you & rediscover yourself..
      Chizzy J..

      Delete
    4. I am not surprised at Don. Such toxicity which is exactly what the poster was talking about. It is a parent's DUTY to raise a child financially with love, care and discipline in a good and peaceful environment. A lot Naija parents do a half baked job and go swanning around thinking they have done the child a favour.

      Delete
    5. You people did not walk in her shoes or know the pain she endured. It is easy to judge from the outside.

      Delete
    6. My husband also hates a part of his childhood because his parents were too harsh and strict.
      They would drop them off at a woman's place who seemed like an angel-she was their mum's best friend.
      Mom's best friend would torture them with broomstick and pepper on their privates when she is angry with them but they dare not report to their parents. They were the sort of parents you couldn't talk to.

      Don you talk too carelessly and you are definitely not a deep thinker.

      Delete
    7. Don, I have said it before that you are a an insensitive woman hiding behind this moniker. It is a parents duty to cater, love and protect their child and not a form of debt! A child owes their parents care and live in return especially when they are older but when the environment isn’t favorable or stable for this things to flow, just because they didn’t lay a good foundation? What happens it crumbles. That child will struggle through life with esteem issues and depression. It is garbage in, garbage out. You can’t give what you don’t have or have never experienced. She never said she hates them, she isn’t just comfortable. And she needs a good space and peace of mind in other to extend that love for them. I understand her perfectly. Poster, never ever be rude to them and I understand how difficult it is to confront them. Just let yourself heal and show them love from afar. Look for an excuse to live that space so it doesn’t affect your social life and any future relationships with your man/ future kids. These things are psychological. Love and light dear and most importantly, wisdom

      Delete
  7. Poster, in as much as I'm not in support of how your parents raised and treated you while you were a child, but, the heavy burden and hatred you're now carrying about, might end up doing you more harms than what you claim your parents did to you!

    You should speak to your parents and stop hating them for their past mistakes.

    You're an adult now, and whatever you choose to do, however you choose to treat your parents, is now a choice.

    Whether you treat your parents with love and respect is now a choice you must bear, and you must not blame anybody for your choices.

    The choices you made as an adult is all on you and not on your parents. You attended university, you are now working and you still "choose" not to make friends.

    Talk to them, pour out all the anger, hatred and bile and purge yourself and set yourself free from the bondage that you have decided to put yourself in.

    Set yourself free
    Your life is now in your hands whether you accept or believe it or not.

    I'm sending you love, inner peace and light 🤗💖💖

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I couldn't agree less with you Mrs A. Some people pass through worst and they still forgave their parents. Forgive them and give yourself peace.

      Delete
    2. It's not by force to forgive abeg.
      But treat them with respect.
      If they make it hard to treat them with respect, please move out.
      It's only someone that hasn't experienced narcissistic and toxic parents that will be chanting forgive forgive.
      And the fact that they are still doing it is not helping matters.
      Please move out.
      If you forgive them for the past, what about the one they'll do tomorrow and the next day and the next.
      Abeg move out.
      I've been there done that.
      Just make sure you're successful, cos I know their type, if they ever help you later, you'll never stop hearing about how you were a failure and they saved you.
      Please move out.
      Find your healing in your own time,

      Delete
    3. Your comment makes so much sense. Nigerians are very sensitive about criticism of parents because of our culture.

      Delete
    4. Poster, write each of your parents a letter on this - THE THINGS YOU DID THAT HURT ME.
      Be sure to write them that you are still very angry with them and would like to live away from them for now to sort out your feelings. Pour out your anger but use respectful words because you need to HONOUR YOUR PARENTS regardless of their flaws. Ephesians 6vs1-2
      THEN, GO FOR THERAPY/COUNSELLING godly and professional one.

      Consciously work on FORGIVENESS.

      You are an adult at 24 but there are things you would understand better with experience and as you grow older.

      FATHERS/PARENTS DO NOT PROVOKE YOU CHILDREN TO WRATH. Ephesians 6v4

      Delete
    5. Ms A, thanks for this. You couldn't have said it any better...Post read through this carefully.

      Delete
    6. They will keep the letter as evidence against you. Nor try that kind thing for Naija parents. You will eventually have to overlook their deeds. Just move out for your peace of mind. Thankfully you are working and not dependent on them or else, you for hearam!

      Delete
  8. You can pay for house elsewhere and stay,tell them you've been transfered back or look for something and tell them for your sanity.
    Parents should learn to make their children feel comfortable around them.

    ReplyDelete
  9. This poster has personal issues. You are certainly problematic. Domestic violence which obviously your mother went through; you are blaming her for it. Everybody is to be blamed around you, except yourself.
    You resent your parents, pls move out.
    My parents did not pay my school fees till I became a lawyer. Now I wish they are even alive to share my successes with.
    You don't know what you got till you loose them. Over sabi! Pikin wey born herself.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Abe . Where did she say her mum was being beaten?.
      She said they both put up.
      Abeg, poster. You're angry and rightly so.
      It's only in Nigeria you cant get angry or Express your self without being called stubborn.
      Nonsense and ingredients

      Delete
    2. 15.17 just made me cry. Abi my hormones are getting the best of me?

      Come get a hug.

      Delete
    3. Thank you anon15:17
      This poster is a problematic person, looking for ways to hang her parents just for her to live alone.
      She has very big probk6 that's yet to be diagnosed but think she's best thing that ever happened to her family and her parents must come cap in hand to beg her to be their daughter.
      Let her get into any relationship, then you know how toxic she is, we know her type.
      They are always the saint but everyone around them are their problem.

      Delete
    4. Thank you anon15:17
      This poster is a problematic person, looking for ways to hang her parents just for her to live alone.
      She has very big probk6 that's yet to be diagnosed but think she's best thing that ever happened to her family and her parents must come cap in hand to beg her to be their daughter.
      Let her get into any relationship, then you know how toxic she is, we know her type.
      They are always the saint but everyone around them are their problem.

      Delete
    5. DON there are abusive parents in this world.
      YOU WERE NOT IN HER HOME.

      Children who are raised by such parents become traumatised. If not properly treated, the victims repeat the cycle when they become parents.

      Some children who have a wide age gap between them and their immediate older sibling, tend to feel isolated and could be targets of bullying. They go through a lot of things alone - imagine going to primary school alone without your older siblings. It's just like an only child.

      12 years is a wide gap between poster and her immediate older sibling. She also said her parents (attitude) kept her away from friends.

      Yeah, it's easy for Ms A to say it's poster's choice to make friends in University and at work but, she forgot not everyone has the same psychological make up or willpower. Let people pull through and heal at their own pace.

      You cannot comfort/encourage someone when you have not been through a similar experience.

      I understand the poster because I am the last child but more like an only child. None of my other 3 older siblings were within my playmates range. Sometimes some of my cousins used to gang up and isolate me but I was a very lively child and didn't allow it get to me that much because of the love of my family.

      Delete
    6. you are very knowledgeable here. I realy love your contribution. people are so different in their make up. And I do think the poster should stay away from her parents and try to work on herself in other to break the jinx. Because if care is not taken unconsciously she may repeat the cycle. Because obviously her own parent are repeating the cycle of how they were raise. Lots of love to you.

      Delete
    7. I don’t think you know how easy for people who have dysfunctional childhood to socially associate with others. My cousin had self esteem issues growing up and I was so reserved and quiet growing up due to how strict my parents were. It’s getting better as I age now but it’s still bad for my cousin. Do you know the courage it takes to make friends? Or to speak in public? Before you even pay someone a compliment, you have to rehearse the lines in your head over and over and when you want to say it, the words barely comes out of your mouth. People see you as socially awkward and disassociate from u. Mine wasn’t that bad though but you haven’t been in their shoes, do not judge them. I was my cousins only female friend throughout her university days. Well, males are easier to talk to than putting up with all the drama from females. It made her still flunk out of school because attending lectures and am been seen in public felt like all eyes were on her. She’s better now though as time and maturity has made her learn and she has gone back to another school to start all over again and she’s doing better as she has built her self confidence. She’s seeing herself through school and has rented her own place far from home. She lost her mum at a very very young age and her dads numerous girlfriends dealt with her and her younger sis. She was literally a maid in her own fathers house and her dad was verbally and physically abusive. Her self esteem was zero. People go through things in life that affect them mentally and psychologically that it’s beyond their control. It’s not so easy fighting battles that is between you and your psyche. She wanted to make friends, she tried all she could but it just wasn’t happening and she became more depressed.

      Delete
  10. Wow, this is exactly my story Oo. And I'm an only daughter. My secondary school days were horrible n I always contemplated suicide. No love outside, no love inside especially from mami. Kai, still a loner till now. And they haven't changed till now

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I cant even imagine bvs bashing her.
      If she was raped now, they'll start chanting sorry oo.
      They want everyone to be groveling and not sound confident abeg.
      This poster is confident and calling her parents out and to most people she don comit abominations.
      If una like, be toxic towards your kids, when they refuse coming home for xmas, dont complain to anybody

      Delete
    2. I said it, it's only those with experience that will understand this poster.
      Sorry anon

      Delete
    3. Anon hang in there........ God's got you.......

      Delete
  11. As I was reading this, all that came to my mind was this.... Forgive your parents and let go.

    You don't need to carry that burden. Once you forgive and let go, you'll be free.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Please forgive them even though it's not easy. Our parents trained us the way they could, I feel it's the same way their parents trained them so they did same to us.
    You can't give wat you don't have. Paying school fees and feeding us was their own way of showing love just as their parents did to them, nothing else. I feel its not their fault.
    Thank God our generation are learning these things.
    There's more to parenthood than school fees and feeding.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Plz stand your ground. To safeguard your mental health, you can choose o stand your ground. If you want to be treated like an Adult, learn to stand your ground! They may not approve but heaven will not fall! Also let them know they hurt you. If you can tell them face to face, tell them by writing a note/letter.
    Most parents be thinking they did well, but all they did was raise so many emotionally damaged Adults. Parents plz do better. Good luck poster.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Forgiveness is not given because it is earned or deserved,but because it's needed. Forgive your parent,get a new place and move on with your life.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Hmmmmm poster I am sending you warm hugs because I know how you feel.
    I feel guilty for resenting my parents because now they are calling and acting friendly and wanting to know everything I'm doing meanwhile growing up we didn't have that kind of relationship, so why do you now want to cultivate something that wasn't planted originally?
    I still remember the flogging, with cane and belt, the embarrassment and shame when I was sent to the junction to buy cane that the whole street knew would be used to beat me that day, the flogging for petty reason like not doing well in school, not going to church, not doing house chores. The extreme loneliness I battled and still battling with because we couldn't go anywhere and weren't encouraged to have friends. The extreme religiosity. I wanted a close relationship but it was just rules and regulations. I see pictures of tight-knit families and I wonder how that feels like, mothers day makes me sad to see all the encomiums that I even boycott social media on that day. So many things to type sef...
    I also cannot imagine living under their roof again, there's nothing for me at home except condemnation and annoying watchfulness.
    I will suggest transferring since you cannot do anything about that, but renting a flat not living with them because living with them is going back to the past.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My God... this brought tears to my eyes... That religiosity abi na extreme religious observances in some homes destroy children's psychy than most parents are willing to admit.. Train up a child in the way they SHOULD go, not in the way they Must go,(Proverbs 22:6) in other words, parents are there to guide, not threaten, manipulate or blackmail... Parenting indeed requires the grace of God and obedience to the word of God, with a heart full of humility, love and compassion, not extreme
      Or fanatical religiousity which is worse than the spirit of witchcraft... Parents are only God's custodians to children, and like every other gift God gives, we should not behave as though we own our children just because we gave birth to them.. We must never seek to control or manipulate their lives, to do so is simply out of God's will and amounts to witchcraft.

      Delete
    2. Anon 15:38, your comment brought tears to my eyes. Be assured that God loves you more than enough.💞💞💞

      This broke me, " I wanted a close relationship but it was just rules and regulations.I see pictures of tight-knit families and I wonder how that feels like, mothers day makes me sad to see all the encomiums that I even boycott social media on that day."

      Parents please, learn to hug your children and tell them you love them.
      My mom hugged me to sleep all through my childhood until my JSS3. I cannot forget that reassuring warmth and fragrance of her body . She also did not hesitate to discipline me whenever it's necessary.
      I grew up a very confident,compassionate,
      loving and fair person. I don't like to see people suffer hardship or injustice and I am quick to genuinely praise/compliment others. I believe there is good in everyone if you look hard enough. In fact, the most difficult people usually put up a facade to cover their scars/hurt. Love, enough love sometimes subtle, persistent or tough love unravels them.

      Anon 16:34 thank you for saying all that is in my mind.

      Delete
  16. Poster so there is no polite way of telling your father you are not ready for masters and using work as an excuse?

    When you have children you will understand better. I forgave my parents all their sins when I had my children and had to deal with their teenage years.

    There is nothing you experienced that is peculiar to you alone.

    What is this achievement that you think is a big deal sef?

    I agree that they don't have to be in your business and you can take decisions without letting them into your plans, but to try to paint them black is a no no.

    Be an adult and take responsibility for your adulthood.

    My 2 kobo!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oooh so u have teenagers and u'v started maltreating them right? It is so unfortunate y people like you don't fall under the category of those looking for children until they are 60

      Delete
    2. Guilty conscience, biko don't turn those teenager to hoodlums all in the name of discipline

      Delete
    3. God bless you Anon 15:48.

      From the write-up , I understand you are an only daughter. It's natural for your parents to be a bit over protective of you.

      I'm not justifying their excesses, but please don't think you are in this alone.

      My parents disciplined me to the extent that I thought of running away from the house. Till date, my mum can be extremely nasty when she wants to.

      But do I resent them? No.

      Truth be told, I was also quite stubborn growing up. Peradventure, if I wasn't disciplined, I would not be where I am today. But that's all a hypothesis.

      My point is this, stop being hard on your parents. They are old now and they love you. Take responsibility for your actions and stop painting them as the Devil.

      Look at the insults your parents have received from some of these bitter Anons already.

      Forgive and let go.

      Delete
  17. That acting like nothing happened is so typical of african parents.. They love to sweep everything under the carpet and act likes it doesn't exist.
    I also lived with the blame game. Till today, I still cry when I remember how my parents believed a false pastor over their own daughter. The fact that they trusted a stranger over their own daughter because he was a man of the cloth was more painful than anything and I don't know if I have even forgiven them.
    Some days I want to confront them and tell them how I feel and how sucky my childhood was and then I feel so guilty for even harboring those kind of thoughts. I want to pull back the carpet and expose everything but I'm afraid it will be like peeling a wound that has healed, but not quite, because it is just granulation tissue and hasnt been covered by skin yet, and I don't know if I want to go through that pain again.

    To parents here, your duty to your child doesn't end with paying school fees and providing food. Children are in their formative years and what you do now will lay a solid foundation for later. Hold them tight. Tell them you love them. Aloud. Don't think it. Ask then about their feelings. Instead of being quick to discipline, look into what caused whatever rebellious act they did. Treat from the root, instead of breaking the branches. Love them. Love them so much and make them know that they are so deeply love by you. Let them see you as their home, where they can come to after a difficult day and find acceptance and love.
    Do this so you won't be calling them in the future, trying to establish something you should have a long time ago, when they don't care about you anymore.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. E-hugs to you and the poster, my prayer is that this cycle of abuse-yes that's what this is, will stop with us by the power of God'grace and that we in all wisdom will nurture, guide and protect our children, without intimidation, manipulation nor emotional blackmail. Some people do have messed up childhoods, but turn out to be great parents, may that be our portion in Jesus name.

      Delete
    2. 15:50 I feel you ����

      Please, put your feelings in a letter to your parents. Verbal communication often leads to altercation.

      You elaborated what is written in Ephesians 6.
      Unfortunately, the Pastors have not been teaching deeply about the family life and relationships yet the family is the basic unit of society.

      Delete
  18. So I Have been a blog visitors for many years and counting, I have read alot of Chronicles here but this is quite different. My dear, pls dnt hate your parents, forgive them, cos to them, they are doing their best for you. Kindly device other means that would enable them understand you when you tell them things. Here is my E-hug darling.
    On other news, I just heard that Spanish league (la liga) would begin in June. I can't wait
    #smiles and tip toes away

    ReplyDelete
  19. Poster, i was raised like this. I forgave my parents just as u did but as soon as i moved back to d house it was war world 2.
    I moved out and decided to go the route of forgiving them again, it hasnt been easy, sometimes over the phone, they ll try to piss me off , i will jejely end the conversation because i am on the part to forgiveness.
    Poster move out, that is the first step .2ndly keep them out of ur business to reduce unnecessary pressure.
    If you can't move out then just play deaf ears to when they try to piss u off.
    Till today i never spoke to my parents about how they made me feel because THEY DON'T LISTEN!!!!! Jeeez my dad think he is a god and mom supports all his action.
    So poster save urself the stress of having a sane conversation with them.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Parenting is not easy ooo.
    Please forgive them,they trained you based on their own knowledge.
    You can park out,tell them you work gave you a task,to achieve it you need to be closer to your partner.tell them it's a female person.wisdom is what applies here

    ReplyDelete
  21. Never you shut your children out no matter what! I suffered similar thing to yours, even in my 30s now there are something's I can't relate to my, mother or siblings cos of the harsh treatment while growing up. So please poster forgive them and follow Stella's advice, write them a long letter and tell them how you feel, I'm sure they'll understand and say sorry.... I wish you all the best.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Dear poster, please forgive your parents for your own peace of mind. They probably didn't know better raising you so please forgive them. You don't have to stay with them so rent a place of your own.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Smart girl- better free yourself now that you are young. My parents especially my mother decided my life till she finally ruined my like at 38- no boyfriend again and I lost my pregnancy just because she controlled my location even all the way in America. I was happy with my friend in her house when she decided what state I should move to and I did obedient child even as my good friend warned me citing her elder sister’s mother decided marriage to me. Same thing when I served in Abuja and wanted to continue my life there, she remoted my location back to where we live in Lagos. After this lockdown that has trapped me in this country, when I return to America I am cutting all communications. Like you said I believe the masters is about their own ego. You are so sharp - I’m dumbfounded. I didn’t wake up till I lost a child just last year. I begged her no it’s my pregnancy and I don’t need anyone to know....she announced to everybody and before I knew it to a so called evil advisor who I specifically didn’t want to tell. It was him who ruined everything between myself and my boyfriend while pretending to want to help us settle disputes (I didn’t know this stupid man who my mum knew through me o and told me to open up to against my wish) had always wanted me to himself was why he kicked against that relationship from the get go in America. I’m mumbling here and distorted in my writing but flee now! Run as far away from home as you can and make sure you send plenty money home each time. Never tell them your moves. You are a good girl is all I see. I also witnessed domestic violence at home growing up and mayb just mayb controlling people have common denominator- violence.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sorry, but you need to start taking RESPONSIBILITY for your actions and decisions. How can your Mum be the one telling you where to live all the way in America at this age? Come on!

      Delete
  24. I totally relate bc I have first hand experience but I am on my own now for my sanity,your age mate and working class too.
    -please leave and get your own place
    -visit them at your own will and go back home

    It will help you breathe and forgive them

    ReplyDelete
  25. Poster you are only hurting yourself by keeping all these to yourself abeg.
    You need to let it all out.
    Rent your own house, Don't move into their home. Be free. You can write them a letter or tell them to their face the pain and hurt you feel. You will be alright.
    But na wa o. Don't you think you are being resentful? I mean we all have our own stories to say about growing up with strict parent. don't let it rub you of your joy and peace. If these parents of yours are still that way,haven't changed and still feel they can control you then let them know how you feel and why you choose to live on your own.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Well I get you, I was in a similar situation I used to resent my dad that I wished he died or he'll go away and never come back. He was verbally abusive to us esp my mum and it affected me in ways I can't imagine(with my self esteem, my academics and relationships even my postures) but I have learnt to let go and start forgiving because I realized I was in mental bondage, then I knew he acted that way because he was raised similarly but didn't do anything to be better. They are older now and I still live with them,they still quarrel too but it's a lot better. I have accepted that reality, I talk to them about it and just pray for peace. Forgive them and free yourself. They might mean well but don't know their actions are hurtful.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Forgive them
    They didn't know any better


    Parents are not entitled to damage children by doing whatever comes into their head or the way they like

    Get your space
    Clear your head
    Forgive them
    Move on

    ReplyDelete
  28. Toxic parents,see d dagws they have caused you,pls leave that house immediately,they have caused enough damaged,don't disclose ur business to them yet,find time to heal and forgive them,tell them abt ur pain,it's left for them to understand cos they might not,sorry dear

    ReplyDelete
  29. Dear poster,please sit them down and open up to your parent,it's obvious that you're still hurting from how they treated you. Please you need to free yourself.Love yourself and please don't dislike your parent. They're probably overprotective because they love you.What matters now is to be happy and to be happy genuinely you need to love yourself and talk things out with them.This should be a morall to parent and guardian,please don't be too overprotective and learn to listen to you children.E-hugs poster.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Dear poster,please sit them down and open up to your parent,it's obvious that you're still hurting from how they treated you. Please you need to free yourself.Love yourself and please don't dislike your parent. They're probably overprotective because they love you.What matters now is to be happy and to be happy genuinely you need to love yourself and talk things out with them.This should be a morall to parent and guardian,please don't be too overprotective and learn to listen to you children.E-hugs poster.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Please forgive them and open your heart to enjoy your life.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Poster, you're very entiltled and actually rude. What you can't forgive is the strict upbringing you received which I'm very sorry for on their behalf by the way, but have you ever thought that you were raised the only way they knew how to OR that the fact that you never had friends was because you couldn't handle your emotions. What's your reason for not having work friend rn?
    I believe you could contest you transfer, why didn't you. You're an adult now and you should learn to handle your emotions towards your parents. If you feel like staying with them is a bother then leave. You obviously have the money to afford a nice apartment.
    If you hate your parents this much for raising you the best way they knew how then I really do hope when you become a parent you'd make the difference on your offspring the easiest way possible

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 17:50 I know it's your opinion but your first sentence is condemnatory.👎

      Please, don't forget you did not grow up in poster's home and not in her shoes.

      Delete
  33. Rent a place far from their house and stay away simple

    ReplyDelete
  34. Poster, never look back except your parents turn a new leaf which I doubt. I was in your shoes and my first time away from family relieved me a whole level of mental stress. I lost confidence, felt my best was never good enough but they were always absent emotionally, I felt caged. They will not change most times. Respect them from distance and pray you never run out of luck because if you lose your job (God forbid) it will be worst. If you can finish the masters before announcing it is better.

    ReplyDelete
  35. I am on this table, but my mum is a bone in my neck,am 27 years old. I told her i want to move out but she said i was going to do ashawo,i feel so sad each time am home.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If she has no confidence in the upbringing she gave you that the next thing is ashawo then that is sad

      Did you give any indication of waywardness?

      Delete
  36. Oh dear poster ,I feel your pain.
    Almost felt like crying at a point. Please learn to love and forgive your parents so you can find peace within you.

    Most times,our parents forget to know that we have our own minds and have the tendency to get hurt by their words and action towards us. For the sake of your own inner peace,forgive and forget. After all, they are your parents.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Poster, your plight is understandable! first step towards healing is to EXIT that environment.go get your own place.then start mentally working on forgiveness, not for their sake but yours.asking you to love them might seem too much but start with forgiveness and torlorance.MOST IMPORTANT IS TO LEAVE THAT TOXIC ENVIRONMENT!I UNDERSTAND IT HURTS WHEN PEOPLE YOU KNOW HAVE HURT YOU ARE OBLIVIOUS TO YOUR FEELING!

    ReplyDelete
  38. You're so lucky you're realising this early enough. This is me right now and I'm 39. No nothing. No job. No family. All because of them. Mine was worse. They abused me throughout my childhood.

    You better ignore them and focus on your life. You became a full fledged adult at 21 and since then you've been responsible for who and what you become regardless of your challenges and circumstance.

    Stay away from them, when you're successful and made, you can do your possible bit to make it up to them. But you would have lived your own life on your own terms. Even if you make/made mistakes, you would take full responsibility, learn from them and move on.

    Staying away doesn't mean keeping malice. Call them once in a while to check on them but avoid them physically if they drain you mentally and emotionally. Forgive and overlook their faults but don't forget. Resolve that their mistakes won't define you. See yourself as a new creation and be determined to make yourself proud of who you eventually become.

    Move out of that house. You have every right to. You became an adult 5 years ago. Let them do whatever they want. Let them disown you if they like.

    However, your strategy is to stop resenting them. See them as necessary evil. Like a bad boss at work. You have to learn to manage them without crossing the lines.

    Best of luck.

    ReplyDelete
  39. When Solomon Buchi made a state meant about how 90% of Nigerian parents are toxic they attacked him when its reality,now see different experiences

    ReplyDelete
  40. Hey!
    I really get you.
    You're hurting badly, but babe, you need to heal.
    Childhood traumas have destroyed a lot of adults... Don't let it swallow you up.
    Stay away from them for now and regain your mental balance/health
    Keep them in an invisible space in your heart where there manipulative claws cannot reach you.
    Don't hate them, or you'll end up injuring yourself the more...

    I went through a similar situation as yours.
    My parents were always fighting each other and they didn't know how that traumatized me. I was depressed and suicidally throughout my school days.

    My dad wanted to influence every thing, from my choice of career, my clothes etc... It was when he got to the point of pressing to choose my job that I revolted.
    I left the house!

    I evolved into a fully fledged rebel!

    He chased my friends out of our house because he always claimed they were a bad influence.

    I had a hard time adjusting to adulthood till I decided that enough was enough.

    I took charge over my mind!

    I have forgiven my dad especially. My mum loved all of us unconditionally, but the fact that she allowed my dad treat her like trash made me resent her...

    I love them. But I protect myself still.

    Please protect yourself. Protect your sanity.

    You can't even afford to hate them or unconsciously transfer aggression on people you'll get intimate with.

    Give yourself time. You will heal.


    ReplyDelete
  41. Please don't tell them how you feel. That's a trap!

    Tjey may never change, and that is not your business. Your business is to protect yourself first!
    Don't tell them your moves, till you are either done or very ready to share.
    Guard your mental space jealously.
    Don't even open up to just anybody, otherwise you give them a place to manipulate you.
    I pray you find that friend(s) who you'll walk life with.
    Do what you can to be happy.

    I deliberately wrote nonsense in interviews because I didn't want to get the jobs my dad desperately fought for. I wanted my own personal thing! My life! And pressure has never been my thing.

    Find what makes you happy and stay happy at all cost.
    Refused to be locked up in the traumas of your childhood.
    Forgive your parents and protect yourself!

    To all those criticizing you for not standing up for yourself, they have no idea.

    You'll be alright, bebthere

    ReplyDelete
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    Preview

    EditAnonymous said...

    Please don't tell them how you feel. That's a trap!

    They may never change, and that is not your business. Your business is to protect yourself first!
    Don't tell them your moves, till you are either done or very ready to share.
    Guard your mental space jealously.
    Don't even open up to just anybody, otherwise you give them a place to manipulate you.
    I pray you find that friend(s) who you'll walk life with.
    Do what you can to be happy.

    I deliberately wrote nonsense in interviews because I didn't want to get the jobs my dad desperately fought for. I wanted my own personal thing! My life! And pressure has never been my thing.

    Find what makes you happy and stay happy at all cost.
    Refused to be locked up in the traumas of your childhood.
    Forgive your parents and protect yourself!

    To all those criticizing you for not standing up for yourself, they have no idea.

    You'll be alright, be there for yourself.


    ReplyDelete
  43. I went through almost same. That is the best way they know how to train a child. As you grow older tins will change and ul become bestfriend with your parents. On three occasions i tried killing myself because i was tired of the hard treatment from my parents especially my mum. But we later became best of friends 2 the point i tell her almost everything. When she died i tot i was gonna die with her... i miss my bestfriend everyday💔.

    ReplyDelete
  44. Poster your dad telling you to run a master is one of the best thing a parent can tell a child. You might see it as pushing you touch no. Remember your parent won't live forever. Once they leave you will remember their words. Masters stands you out. You will notice in your place of work you will be referred before others. Try of you can

    ReplyDelete

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