Na wah!!!
STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
SERIOUS ADVICE NEEDED
Dear Stella,
Kindly Keep me anonymous.
I am trying to figure out a couple of things relationship wise and need to hear what others think.
I am currently dating someone I have known for years. We were friends throughout the university. He asked me out but I promised him we will date after graduation as I didn't want to date in school. However, I took a different path,left town and we lost touch for a couple of years. My different path didn't work out and I came back to town and we got back in touch.
It was a difficult time for me and he was a good sport although we were in different states. We met once and he sort of went quiet after that saying he had family issues to deal with. I later learnt his estranged father was very sick and had reached out to him. I also had some personal health issues I was going through.
Well, things were never the same after that and we gradually stopped talking.
Well, things were never the same after that and we gradually stopped talking.
A couple of months later, I left the country.
About 2 years later we started talking again and that's how I found out why he went quiet. The father was sick for a long time and finally died. And that he didn't want to add to my troubles. Anyway, we would chat for a couple of months and stop again. And this goes on for about a year. All these while (over 10 years), I have had only one serious relationship which was when I just moved to the new country and it lasted about 4 months. I am not really big on casual dating. I rather have good platonic relationships with the opposite sex and I have had very time consuming jobs that don't give me time to date.
However, early this year before the COVID-19 pandemic, I was in Nigeria and met up with this guy at his request and we had a long serious chat about having a relationship and being serious about making it work. We even made some long term plans to relocate and talked about having a family. We agreed to date and he met my mum.
However, early this year before the COVID-19 pandemic, I was in Nigeria and met up with this guy at his request and we had a long serious chat about having a relationship and being serious about making it work. We even made some long term plans to relocate and talked about having a family. We agreed to date and he met my mum.
He also met my sister during a work trip to where she stays. Of course, I went back to my base and we have been on touch via chat, calls, video calls and practically know what has been going on in each other's life. Unfortunately some of our long term plans has to be stalled cos of the pandemic.
Anyway, I am currently in Nigeria and decided to spend a couple of weeks with him to get to know him better. It has been an education for both of us and have had to get a good picture of how we each react to situations. We have had a number of conversations around our discoveries which have not been all pleasant. I am beginning to see the not so rosy side of things and for someone like me who isn't used to relationship drama, my first reaction is to damn it all and walk.
I am used to doing things my way even while we have been together because of the long distance nature of it. But sharing a space with him has changed that a bit as I have had to factor in what he wants and thinks. He has these pet peeves that I find very somehow and he tends to lose it with me when I do those things. Also he says, I need to be more homely which I get because like I said, I am really used to running my own show and have lived the single life for too long. This will be the longest relationship I have ever had and the first time I would be sharing a space for this long (2 weeks) with the opposite sex. By homely, he means taking care of the house, looking out for the needs of your man.
Within this period, I have cried and really questioned if he really loves me. I have also wondered if I want to spend forever with this guy.I have come to realise his love language is acts of service while mine is words of affirmation and quality time hence my opting to spend time with him. So it seems to me that he doesn't show the love the way I would want it. Although, I know he really cares for me and also wants this to work. But I am easily affected by some of his behaviour and have mentioned this to him. He says he will work on it.
So my issue now is, giving what I have learnt within this period should I still keep this guy in my long term plan? I have given myself to my career for the last 7 seven years and need some stability and want my own family soon. Next year even,if God wills it.
Should I speak to him about this? We had both planned to relocate to another country but with the COVID-19, things were paused. Should I reopen this discussion? I fear that I might come off pushy and desperate (which I am really not) I just like to plan ahead. He is a decent guy but is he the one for me or am I being a hopeless romantic? I have been 100% faithful although I have had several propositions from serious guys.
I want to hear from people who are in serious relationships and courtship. For married people, how did you know he/she is the one? I really don't want to waste my time.
PS: There isn't any s#x involved yet as I am not ready for that and he understands. Also, I am not with him for money. I actually make way more than he does. I am 28 and he is 32.
Sorry for the long read, I am a story teller.
Thanks alot and I will be reading your constructive comments.
Thanks Stella for the platform.
Anyway, I am currently in Nigeria and decided to spend a couple of weeks with him to get to know him better. It has been an education for both of us and have had to get a good picture of how we each react to situations. We have had a number of conversations around our discoveries which have not been all pleasant. I am beginning to see the not so rosy side of things and for someone like me who isn't used to relationship drama, my first reaction is to damn it all and walk.
I am used to doing things my way even while we have been together because of the long distance nature of it. But sharing a space with him has changed that a bit as I have had to factor in what he wants and thinks. He has these pet peeves that I find very somehow and he tends to lose it with me when I do those things. Also he says, I need to be more homely which I get because like I said, I am really used to running my own show and have lived the single life for too long. This will be the longest relationship I have ever had and the first time I would be sharing a space for this long (2 weeks) with the opposite sex. By homely, he means taking care of the house, looking out for the needs of your man.
Within this period, I have cried and really questioned if he really loves me. I have also wondered if I want to spend forever with this guy.I have come to realise his love language is acts of service while mine is words of affirmation and quality time hence my opting to spend time with him. So it seems to me that he doesn't show the love the way I would want it. Although, I know he really cares for me and also wants this to work. But I am easily affected by some of his behaviour and have mentioned this to him. He says he will work on it.
So my issue now is, giving what I have learnt within this period should I still keep this guy in my long term plan? I have given myself to my career for the last 7 seven years and need some stability and want my own family soon. Next year even,if God wills it.
Should I speak to him about this? We had both planned to relocate to another country but with the COVID-19, things were paused. Should I reopen this discussion? I fear that I might come off pushy and desperate (which I am really not) I just like to plan ahead. He is a decent guy but is he the one for me or am I being a hopeless romantic? I have been 100% faithful although I have had several propositions from serious guys.
I want to hear from people who are in serious relationships and courtship. For married people, how did you know he/she is the one? I really don't want to waste my time.
PS: There isn't any s#x involved yet as I am not ready for that and he understands. Also, I am not with him for money. I actually make way more than he does. I am 28 and he is 32.
Sorry for the long read, I am a story teller.
Thanks alot and I will be reading your constructive comments.
Thanks Stella for the platform.
Why dont you give this a try,if e work,e work...if e no work,e no work..............its that simple...
you don't sound like an easy person yourself but with time and dedication,both of you can work on something.......leaving your kinda life to merge with someone else is not easy at all...
I still complain a lot about things i dont like after so long of being married....What this means is that there is no perfect person and you cant get anyone to change to the way you want,forget that they say they will....You have to learn to accept people for who they are....
I noted that you dont seem to be in love with this guy............What is the motivation for wanting to marry him?
I see a lady who just wants to complete the circle of life. Get married and have kids. You don't really love the guy and not ready to compromise.
ReplyDeleteMarriage is more than Nollywood love stories.. You must be willing to give and take even when you are not interested. Bear that in mind and have peace.
If he is not your ideal guy, let him go.
Girl, you are 28, you earn more than him, he is giving you stress, you are not bonding and above all, you have questions about how both of you feel about eachother! Nne, believe when I say, when you meet "the one" You will be sure you love him and know it in your bones when a man loves you with no iota of doubt.
DeleteMy advice; since you are new in the dating arena, I would say please let down your hair and have some fun. Keep this one but it does not have to be serious. Good there is no sex. Date others and enjoy being wooed. Don't set all out for "serious" relationship, most times it's a recipie for 'had I known'. But you actually find "the one" when you are having healthy fun. Before you begin to force-fit yourself into someone's idea of ideal homely woman, please check if he is worth it and don't forget it's for a lifetime.
Girl, you are 28. You have time. You sound like a nerd who have spent most of her years right accomplishing things. I salute you. Now, HAVE FUN. Safe sex inclusive if you are cut out for it because in my experience, you see the true colour of a man after sex. Dont be scared of heartbreak either. You cry a little, pick yourself up and date another fast fast. Go out there and play. I promise you everything will fall in place at the right time.
Saphire, you've said it all
DeleteBiko are you married? I think i like you
DeleteSaphire, your advice was spoilt by one point - there is no safe sex outside wedlock. It is either fornication or adultery❗
DeletePoster, please date others BUT NO SEX. It messes you up spiritually and emotionally.
This is why I cannot carry my 2 legs to stay in any man's house without being married. ladies don't understand the amount of your personal time is eaten off when in a relationship with a man. And u now worsened the matter by living in the same house with him without marriage. Definitely he will expect you to do wifely things for him. cooking, cleaning, knacking.
DeleteMen are babies so u will have to be his emotional support, you guys will be getting on each others' nerves sometimes. it is normal but you have no place to go vent or cool off your head cus u are shacking with the same man u need space from. No escape or space for you to breathe and do what u want. no mystery about you or something to spark the guys' desire because see finish go soon enter. before you know it baba has become comfortable and relaxed. Wedding day is drawing farther and farther because he has the milk for free, he does not see the need to buy the cow.
Madam
Aunty if you want this relationship to work, I advice you MOVE OUT and find your own place before see finish will enter. Moving into a man's house before marriage hardly works out. Whether you are having sex or not, it is not advisable. def u guys will have some things that will annoy you if you are married but without a proper commitment the guy can wake up one day n decide he does not want the relationship again. what will u now do? I suggest you get a plan B o. don't put all your eggs in one basket
Delete19.58, not true. Sex is for consenting adults. You think God is confused? You think God didn't have the power to withhold the NEED for sex till dotted lines are signed? But no. Sex is a fundamental human need that keeps you sane healthy and balanced. You guys have a way of limiting God with you incessant religious quotations forgetting that in those days there were no 28 year-old singles. Girls were groomed and married off b4 14. And if you truly know what spirituality is, you will know it has absolutely nothing to do with religion or your religious books.
DeleteMany guys are like him so u need to learn to accommodate him into your lifestyle or else you go single tey
DeleteSapphire, do you know the meaning of freewill? We are created in his image and likeness remember? We aren't robots so, despite giving us privates, he also gave us the Bible as a manual and he hopes we don't abuse the freewill and make the best decision. He knows some would make mistakes so he left room for forgiveness and grace to step up and retrace our steps.
DeleteYou expecting God to withhold the need for sex till marriage is like a parent who trains their children but still won't let them fly to figure out if those trainings has taken a positive effect in their lives.
How do you know an obedient child that you still refuse to give him an autonomy to see if he would make a right decision. You block trials to ascertain if what they learnt from you will be put into use when faced with those situations. Please, does that make any sense to you? Anyone who makes that mistake of 'witholding" should never fool themselves into thinking they have a grown up child but a baby in a grown's man's body. And this not only apply to fornication but other areas of lives that godly lifestyle needs to be bodly evident.
Based on this your flawed comment of God not withholding sex till marriage we can also draw an analogy from it and say since a 14 years old girl already has a womb then she is automatically ripe for child bearing in this age and time same with a boy who has entered puberty should be a father. After all, since according to you the fact that you have all the sex organs and their functionality now means you must make use of it 'now' and give birth now, right? If God wanted you to wait a particular age to give birth he won't make sure you have wombs at such a young age, right? He will just give you sexual organs without a womb in a teenage girl. This mentality of yours about believing you have something now and you must make use of it now is the same reason teenage girls are still getting married and do you support it now? Marriage or not people should give birth After all they have wombs irrespective of age?
You are actually the one who feels he is confused. God not being authoritarian and forceful does not mean he contradicts himself.
There is nothing like a religious book it is simply the word of God made flesh in Christ Jesus. Every single word you see in the bible is truth and life. Even God said he gives utmost importance to his word than his his name. But you would rather place his name above his words and call it mere quotations?
You trivalising the Bible and making it random as something of little importance as a religious makes me wonder how you came to the realization that God exists? You just woke up and viola! It clicked. Or Was it not from the same bible you would rather diminish its value by calling it a mere religious book so as to prove a point that contradicts its very word that your knowledge of him arose from? Since for you the bible isn't what others try to make it seem, which is, "the word of God". Was it not from the same bible which bodly frowns upon fornication in clear terms? The same bible you now call incessant religious quotations? How contradictory!
If sex is for consenting adult,
adultery should be encouraged.
I love reading your comments about wordly issues like career and building your own empire without waiting for a man but when i see your comments about fornication i avoid it because i don't care but when you want to confuse others whose walk with God is still shaky it scares me. So, today you boldly speaking for God stylishly pushing the Bible aside and relying on your brain alone is so scary that i can't walk past it like that. This here is just me being overly concerned about those who aren't strong in the faith yet and might end up getting carried away with your comment because they love reading your other comments on issues not relating to God just like i do.
01:13 it is better she stays single than be with someone who doesn't like her. Or do you wish someone like this guy for the females in your family? People be giving advice they can't take.
DeleteSingleness is also a gift from God. Let her be single, focus on God and build her career till God's time.
All these ladies that would claim to stay in the same room with a guy they are dating for days/weeks/months and claim there's no sex, who are you deceiving?!? 😂 😂 😂
DeleteA guy who wants you to be homely.... wants acts of service.....
ReplyDeleteGirl, you also need him to be homely. you need acts of service too.
you have lived in a western world and you want to change yourself just to marry a man.
you will end up being very unhappy. Already he does not have a mentality that matches yours.
let him go. it is hard. if you find someone whose ideologies match yours, then you can go ahead. if you do not, remain single. Marriage is not all you think it is. A good marriage is sooo sweet but marrying the wrong person is terrible. you will want to die.
so make up your mind to be happy being single.
leave drama. Life is too short to be entering drama
I go with this comment but before letting him go, talk to him about your concerns and note what he says. You should also be careful. Boys are not smiling. They want to leave this country any which way and won’t mind being deceitful. Tread with caution. A guy who wants to be with you will go all the way homely or not.
DeletePoster PLEASE listen to this. You are frown and he us grown. He cannot change into what you need. You guys are simply incompatible. You will be miserable if you marry him.
DeleteI think i know who this is about....@poster,is he in the millitary?
DeleteWhy should a guy try to mould into his taste? Are you a clay.
DeleteThis is a sign of someone who won't compromise in marriage. Someone who thinks the world revolves around his dry yansh. Master slave marriage awaits you if you marry that boy. Are you also moulding him to your taste?
Or you came to this life to dance to every whim of a man. To please a mere mortal yourself. The boy does not even like you let alone love you. Well even you sef, you don't like yourself. I pity you.
Must you marry before 30? It seem like that is your plan. You are desperate. You are not even thinking about your kids in the future is this boy the kind of father you want to them?
Nawa o! You are not sounding convinced at all and it be nice you make up your dang mind now before it becomes really late
ReplyDeleteMarry someone who cannot breathe without you and you also feel the same way.
ReplyDeleteIt just seems like a relationship of convenience and comfort and that if your relationship is like this, marriage will make it worse. So know that your courtship is a figure of wht is to come
Zendaya this is real life , not Telemundo biko.
DeleteWhich one is marry someone who cannot breathe without you?
You guys will just be giving weird advice to gullible ladies here
@anon 🤣🤣🤣😂
Delete😂😂😂 23:21
Deletewhen i saw that comment fear wan catch me. Love doesn't lead to suffocation abeg🤣
You can give it a try if you feel it.
ReplyDeleteSometimes these relationships things can be confusing but sometimes you need not over think it.
When a man loves a woman, its not really about what she does or doesn't do. He should be able to make room for you as you make room for you. He should know you are different and you too vice versa. Is he ready to give you room to he yourself? Are you ready to be patient with him?
ReplyDeleteWhat is your spiritual orientation? God is the only one who sees ahead who is able to tell you about your future with this guy. So why not pray and ask the Lord. No advice given you on this page can surpass what you gear from the Lord.
No man is perfect neither are you.
All the best.
Thank you! these ones are not in love. they are just doing by force pretend marriage n deceiving themselves there
DeletePoster, just take it easy on yourself! Its not easy suddenly sharing your space with someone else especially when you have been by yourself for long.
ReplyDeleteI'll advise you talk to your guy and see the way forward. I don't trust him though... I don't trust people that claim to be in your life but, always find a way to disappear without tangible reasons and reappear suddenly.
Just make sure you do your thorough findings to know he doesn't have any baggage somewhere.
I wish you good luck
Hmmmmmmmm this one strong o, I had to carefully read the script like exam question. Poster please calm down and give your all to this relationship, its also nice you speak about the future after all your time is involve(discusswith him). Remember you need to bend and compromise in some areas of life and try to be homely it takes nothing away from you. Goodluck baby geh!
ReplyDeleteYou don't understand you
ReplyDeleteit will work if u are both ready to make sacrifices. marriage is not perfect for everyone. just give the relationship a try, u both appear to be compatible., there will always be differences, as long as both of you are committed to the relationship , it will work.
ReplyDeleteSounds to me like poster is just settling. Poster since you have other toasters date them (not sleep with them) so that you can pick the one that most suits you. Don't be too sentimental, seek God's guidance and shine your eyes.
DeleteBoth of you seem to already be bored of each other. So what is going to hold a marriage together through the years? The marriage could last, it could last the test of time, but it will likely lack sweetness. So decide what you can live and what you can't live without.
ReplyDeletePoster,there are too many ??? in your post. With a mindset like this towards him,i will suggest you take a walk. Don't ever think you can cope with it if it comes to you guys settling down. You aren't so sure about this guy. And that alone should be a put off. Except only if you can learn to accept him the way he is. After all,none is perfect.
ReplyDeleteare you happy with him? does he try to make you happy?does he care about you, your well being? do you enjoy your time with him? does he make you smile, laugh? do you have the same values? is he honest? is he hot tempered? does he complement your weaknesses? does he appreciate your strengths or suppress it? what is his sex appetite like? do you know yours?
ReplyDeletethese are questions that you will shed tears over if you are not careful.Only you can answer.
part 2
ReplyDeleteare you ready for marriage? i'll tell you honestly, marriage, being a wife and a mother is a lot of sacrifices. Being homely just means caring for your loved ones, its not slavery.sometimes, you will share your body when you dont feel like with your husband. you will nurture, cook, clean and care for your family.. na follow come for marriage.
What are your truest desires? are you ready? answer yourself.
I am really not getting a positive vibe from your write up! If I have any say at all in this, i’d advice you let go and start afresh.
ReplyDeleteYou sound like you both are trying too hard and this thing gets worst in marriage. Better to be single than to deal with this situation for the rest of your life
Poster please take it easy on yourself, no man is worth losing your peace of mind over and being single is not a disease. I can see this relationship is taking your peace of mind away and making you feel vulnerable, Which shouldn't be. I don't agree with the school of thought that, you should keep trying; you will lose your sanity if you do. Please take a walk and wait until love finds you. To add, you are not being difficult, you just haven't found a match yet. Keep it moving my dear.
ReplyDeletePOSTER TAKE THIS ADVICE BY 16:41.
DeletePeace of mind should be your guide.
He doesn’t sound like he makes you happy. It sounds like you’re just happy to have someone that fits your criteria a little. Don’t flog a dead horse. If it’s not yours, it’s not yours
ReplyDelete🤣🤣🤣@ "Don’t flog a dead horse. If it’s not yours, it’s not yours." 🤣🤣🤣
Delete😂😂 na real dead horse, the earlier she takes a walk, the better for her.
DeleteYou are not really sure what you want. After dribbling round and round, you ended up saying near absolute nothing. You have never shared a space for up to 2 weeks, how is this a problem for someone who claims to be 28. Children of 9 leave home for boarding school and they adjust in days. What's wrong in asking you to be homely, you are woman. Children will eventually come, if you are not homely, exactly how are you going to cope. Me think, you realised you don't really like him the way you thought and you are looking for excuses to offload him. If both of you chose to make the relationship work, it will definitely work out. It takes understanding, tolerance, discipline, accommodation, patience
ReplyDeleteperseverance and care while avoiding putting the self ahead of every other things. Stop reading unnecessary meanings to every step and be free with him.
"Children of 9 leave home for boarding school and they adjust in days" 😏😏😏
DeleteMARRIAGE IS NOT BOARDING SCHOOL! 🤦♀️
Alexander, those 9 year old children "adjust" by enduring, avoiding and dreading being around some of their school mates until mid-term break or holidays.
Some end up not doing well in school because of all they have to "ADJUST" TO!
As far as I know this is not courtship and please don't force what you don't have just to please a man because of marriage, it doesn't work that way.
ReplyDeleteGuy wanna leave Naija, well, who wouldn't try to be nice upon nice for a piece of cake?
If what you've written is true you need someone that truly love and understands you and not CARE alone.
Be open to love and mingle but close legs o. When you meet the right one, you will feel it, everything about you will adjust without forcing it.
You have cried already for this person.
ReplyDeleteWhen you meet the one it is effortless, don’t believe all these sufferhead women that believe relationships and marriage should be about struggle.
Two weeks for someone you haven’t seen in such a long time should be like honey moon period for you guys to bond and do other stuff(not sexual), when you truly love someone and he loves you back time passes, you people won’t even remember that you need to eat food sometimes let alone for him to notice that you’re not homely.
Not Everyman wants a homely woman, adults don’t necessarily change. You will meet a man that doesn’t judge a girl based on homeliness if only you’ll just hold out. If you marry this person that you’re describing like this then you’ll have to change, do you want that?
Reasonable Doubt 📢📣🔊. I look forward to your comments!
DeleteI had the best moments of courtship . We were living in different parts of the world for over 10 years but when we reconnected, my visits were filled with surprise fun activities. I did same when he visited my base.
LOVE AIN'T HARD.
Go listen to this song by McFly - "Love Is Easy"
🎶 If this is love
Then love is easy
It's the easiest thing to do
If this is love
Then love completes me
'Cause it feels like I've been missing you
A simple equation
With no complications
To leave you confused
If this is love, love, love
Hmm it's the easiest thing to do 🎶
If you don't like what you see/have observed, my dear please walk away rather than try to fix a situation you know very well you can't manage.
ReplyDeleteHappy that you mentioned "God willing" in your story. Believing in God as a father is important. Knowing that Jesus died for our sins and trusting him
ReplyDeleteeven with matters as dear as marriage is very important too. Being in this guys house for two weeks (if I understand you) isn't a good idea at all, seeing that he is yet to marry you. That in itself is desperation to a lot of men of Nigerian decent especially. The best thing is to stay away and meet in public places and go sight seeing. The main concern here is if he also honor God like you do or is he just the type of "well, he may exist?" Think this through because it is very important. And remember what we read this morning about the lady that allowed the guy under same roof against her better judgment, for a night and was raped. Going to the Lord Jesus in fasting and prayer will help you to know the inner recesses of this guys heart.
And supposing you begin to talk about relocating in Nigeria (just to know his reaction,) do you think that this guy will still be talking about marriage?
And least I forget, has he PROPOSED?
Seems the guy wants you for the possibility of relocating abroad. Sorry I'm saying this. I know for some people it has worked out beautifully but I advise our Nigerian sisters abroad to avoid doing the getting married and helping him to relocate things. Many of our women have been totally scammed by this.
ReplyDeleteI agree. One that was brought here has abandoned his wife and found a way to bring in his Nigerian babe.
DeleteWife doesn’t see him anymore and he’s not even hiding again, because he already has his permanent residence. Oga even had guts to tell his wife to go and rent a smaller place because after their lease expires he’s not paying rent with her again that he’s moving out, and they have a toddler o.
I dey fear for babes wey naija guys just marry or start dating from nowhere and it is so obvious and glaring that he is with her for papers. i MEAN this is someone that before supposedly started dating this girl was jumping from one skirt to another all over Lagos. dangerous stuffz o
Deletemehn that ticket to abroad stuff is real o. A man will sharply marry a lady n trap her just to gain access to abroad knowing fully well he has several girlfriends in Naija waiting
Delete28 years??? You are still so young. You have NO clue as to the load you are so desperate to carry. Forever is a terribly long time to be spent wondering "what if" all the time. You people don't even care about each other, its just convenient to say "my boyfriend" "my girl friend"
ReplyDeletePoster receive courage to walk away. This one will drain you.You're already troubled in just 2 weeks, marriage will be miserable. Marry your level! Don't downgrade to economy class to please any man because it doesn't pay. If you settle for less, you will get less than what you settled for. I'm speaking from experience o.
ReplyDeletePoster don't marry him. He doesn't seem trust worthy. You may just be his ticket to abroad. It happened to my former neighbour... off and on and chic was earning so well oga wasn't and his attitude was like your soon to be exed bobo. Out of age and pressure, my neighbor married him.. after 3 kids, I learnt last month he says he doesn't want marriage again and the motherfucker isn't contributing towards the kids. Guy knows you want marriage and he will take advantage of that. If you don't want to feel used in future, koo this guy
ReplyDeletemy sentiments as well. their story being off n on n the fact that he has MORE to gain from her than she does. That in itself is very telling. If a man has a lot to gain more from you than he brings into your life, and he treats you like an option. That should clue you in that he is a no go. BTW STELLA Can you pls do a segment asking people to share stories of men who used women to go abroad and then abandon them after? I see a lot of people dropping stories here and I think it will be beneficial to see more so as to caution other ladies
DeleteThank you20:49
DeleteHe has more to gain from her
He has not even seen her nakedness
Despite all that he can't even pretend to like her. He simply tolerates her to be honest just so he can travel out.
The answer is clear.
This I concur, anon 05:15.
DeleteI don't think the guy even like her talkmore of loving her.Hes just pretending for the mean time.
When people tell you or show you how they are believe them the first time. You cannot change anyone or you cannot force people to change into who you want them to b rather they will work towards adjusting because they value you and wouldn't want to miss you.
ReplyDeleteSince you understand his love language you should apply it and let him also apply yours. Two people cannot work together if you both don't agree.
Give him more time and see if you can tolerate him well, you are not used to spending time with the opposite sex, you cannot get use to it just in two weeks. Give yourself time to get to understand this dude you may be the one with plenty problems.
Try and honour your man, not everything you want to prove your point. Some issues should be left alone, stop making him do everything to please you, try and also adjust to certain things. Men don't like ladies with stress or want them to change completely. No perfect being, no one knows it all.
Hi Poster,
ReplyDeleteThis was me few years back. I met someone after some years of losing contact with him. I wanted to settle down as well but experienced the hiccups you are experiencing. In retrospect, I should have taken a walk. However, I put my doubts aside and told myself I had to make it work. My sister, these issues you are facing now never go away rather they become more apparent and amplified after the wedding. I regretted marrying him because it became a nightmare. I was more or less his meal ticket, I was the money bag that needed to alleviate his and his family's financial issues. I was emotionally and verbally abused. I was gradually losing my sense of self worth. No matter what I did, I was not homely, I was not good enough and he constantly told me that he did me a favour marrying me. Meanwhile, this was someone who cried and called his family to beg me during courtship when I thought of calling off the engagement due to one of the issues we had. My sister, please don't loose your sleep and peace over this. You are most likely better off with out him. It is better to wait and meet someone who values and respects you and is willing to go the extra mile with you. You are still young don't put unnecessary pressure on yourself. Take your time, pray and trust God and things will fall in place.
As for me, I almost committed suicide due to the unending torture and torment. He kept bragging that he will show me and his family were in support, telling me that I am a wife and I need to do whatever he says because a man's needs comes before the needs of his wife.
One day, I decided to take a walk. It was not easy ooo because I was called all sorts of names. He made sure he narrated our story to everyone around us and presented me as the bad person. I was too exhausted to put up a defence, I picked my stuff, moved elsewhere and started life all over again. It wasn't an easy choice
but it was worth it. It been a couple of years now and I am grateful for the peace and sanity. Even after leaving, the threats, insults and intimidation continued, however, I grew a tough skin and decided to face my life. Sometimes, I look back and wished I had followed my gut instinct about him when the red flags were popping up. Notwithstanding, I am grateful for life and the progress I have made. So, dear poster, please don't trade your peace, future and sanity for the marital status. If you are sensing things that are worrisome, please walk away. I wish you the best and God bless you.
GOD BLESS YOU dear for sharing your story here. You are brave soul and May God reward you for being so kind. Meanwhile other women who have passed through bad marriages will advice this woman to enter a potentially bad marriage because they hope that she suffers the same fate.
DeleteI wish more women can come out and share their stories instead of pushing young ladies to leap into marriage without looking. I wish more women would share stories of results after they married a man that had something to GAIN from them and little to contribute. Many won't because they have decided to stay helplessly in those marriages. so bad. Many women on this blog confess to being the ones feeding their husbands. It takes a brave woman to leave and a kind woman to share her story as a cautionary tale
Thanks Anon 16:08.
DeletePoster, listen to your spirit and soulbsoeaking to you.
Pray and fast, ask the Holy spirit to convince you about this matter. Pray about it whatever religion you belong to.
*Marriage is a lifetime partnership, don't put pressure on yourself, ignore all those family and friends pressuring you with cuded jokes. Easier said than done. Don't rush to be Mrs, its only a title, your exposure abroad should have taught you better.
I hate to add this. Forgive me if I say that: guy-man have heard abroad and will comply or disguise his true nature. If not, why disappearing and reappearing for every family struggles he had in the past 10 years, without giving you a clue assuming you were a bit important.
When you find the one: you will know because your conviction and mind will be so made up 50% at least.
All the best to you Poster.
Poster read this please .
DeleteAnon Kudos for leaving.
Poster,
ReplyDeleteI was(still am) like you prior to getting hitched, but unlike you, I didn’t give a damn about dating, in-fact we met after an examination! I grew up hard as life started to deal me its cards at 9/10 years old and hence I had no emotions whatsoever. I was also laser focused on personal achievements and married a virgin at 30.
When you meet him, you would know!
This isn’t him and frankly, he’s latching unto you for relocation purposes!!
Play if you want to but you can’t deter the God given intuition to women and that’s why you’re uneasy!!
Yes I’m exclaiming..
Keep doing you and when HE comes along, he’d lick your foot steps off the floor. Your flaws would be neutralised as HE would have astounding traits to complement them.
What I’m trying to say is quit the self stress and pressure, he’d find you when you least expect.
Ladies pls listen to the advice of women in this comment section esp those of women who were left alone after the men married them to secure the bag and papers. When they advice una, una no go wan hear word. That is the problem of many women. Coconut head. That's how one fool the other day said I am talking as if I am so smart and know all when I was talking about signs a man is using a lady vs signs he cherishes her. another idiot will said I am judgemental and negative probably because she is stuck in a situationship and my comment must have made her feel some type of way. Pls if u are currently being dickmatized, allow people outside of the relationship to advice so that you will not fall down inside gutter! You cannot see the signs if u are deep in love with the man but definitely one or 2 things that an outside person has experienced or knows can save you a lot of wasted time, buckets of tears and broken hearts
ReplyDeleteDon't deceive yourself about not being desperate because you are and you spelt it out clearly in this piece.
ReplyDeleteYou are stuck with a man who you think is nice but for whom you feel nothing and you have set a date for marriage without a man- how's that not desperate? Address that aspect of your person and don't settle for a man who thinks you are not homely after 2 weeks. You know what that homely means. After the euphoria of bagging a ring and him bagging a permanent residence permit, it is that homely he is going to say is the reason you are no longer compatible. You cannot buy love and you know love shouldn't be this hard.
Yes, on some level, the guy may pass as nice but tell me this: most married men are nice but how many marriages would survive if we took one nice man in a certain marriage to swap places with another nice man in another marriage? Let us say we did this to all the married men who are nice, believe me, only in one in like a million of these marriages would you find joy. This is because there are other issues like attraction (intellectual, romantic), chemistry, friendship and love that make up the stuff of relationship for it to survive and thrive. This guy is nice but you are not meant for each other. Don't miss your own nice guy who is on his way because you have set an end date for being single.
How about your values? What is your picture of a happy home? What kind of home did you grow up in and what do you want to copy or correct in your own marital journey? Please give yourself peace and don't be desperate to ditch being single that you end up practicing widowhood before your time. Send Baba links of legal processes to immigrate. This on and off relationship where even talking is tough and keeping in touch is work is not going to work- at least not for you. He has a consolation prize at the end of the tunnel. May this be your last chronicle.
A popular friend of mine would write "give in what you're expecting to take out"
ReplyDeleteThere's a social disparity which both of you ought to create a space for. I learnt from someone that you've got to create a good friendship in whatever relationship you wish to start. Because it has its way of managing inherent friction. As much as you wrote more about the future, I believe you should be more concerned with the present. And that present, means you coming in with an open mind not this premeditated expectation. Relationship is hard work, patience, perseverance and positive compromise - if it easy, then it is not real. Having a measure of tolerable understanding is a commitment of your willingness to make it work. There's nothing free in freetown, yiu must be willing to put in your own share of the work needed. And watch to see what importance he values your presence in his life.
Test your temperaments and how you both react to relationship issues - that's what spending time together allows you to appraise. Sometimes, we expect our burgeoning relationship to fail, before it even starts. Give people benefit of the doubt, before judging them. We all have our ways of approaching things.
As per love languages, it's has to be a minimum of 1 - you both have to share one in common. As that's where you both start your bonding from. Into each other's other languages.
Leave him. You will get another. You need excitement in your life. You are too young for all the stress. Leave him if not u wil not find another
ReplyDeleteMy dear pause any marriage plans, give it like 3 months and pray about it. Don't make rushed decisions. Also, if this doesn't work, pls be open to dating outside your race. As an in-the-abroad successful Nigerian female, if you focus on Nig guys alone, your pool will be really small. Those in Nig may want you for papers, those in the abroad may be threatened by your success and prefer to get a Nig based-wife. Some may leach on you for the paycheck, some might even see age as a factor, While a good number of them may want a 'homely wife' which seems not to be your greatest strength. Oyibo men no send all those things. Just be open minded, but whatever you want is fine.
ReplyDeleteNb: Applause for being celibate with him.