Stella Dimoko Couch Convo - Marrying Your Friend...


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Tuesday, December 01, 2020

Couch Convo - Marrying Your Friend...

“My dear if you want to marry, marry your friend ooo…” Those were the words of a friend of mine to a young girl earlier this week while we were having our usual after work “evening fellowship” at the joint. This advice got me thinking, what does it really mean to “marry your friend”. It has become one of the most used words of advice to people seeking to get married these days.

 This is not unrelated to the high rate of divorce these days and some couples finding out they had gotten married to people the barely even know, or even discovered that the people they got married to are not even remotely compatible to them and couldn’t stand staying with such people for the rest of their lives.

So what does it really mean to marry your friend? Is it getting married to someone whom you can gist with four hours and not get bored, someone you enjoy their company, or someone you have a great chemistry with (this chemistry thing is another most abused word in relationships), or someone with good “bedmatic” skills that you could bond with for days without getting tired? I believe friendship transcends a lot of aspects of our lives as it relates to relationship; and marrying someone you call your friend will do a great deal in making the whole marriage journey more enjoyable because… 

las las marriage na big work. So here are my takes on marrying your friend.

Marrying your friend means marrying someone who shares the same values and have similar views about life with you. I am not talking about going to the same church or only religious stuffs here. I am talking about having similar view about family values, belief system, cultural orientation and so on. It sounds like lots of grammar but having same values system will help in navigating issues such as money management, number of children to have, conflict resolution, sex and sexual preferences, world view of things, balancing work and career, etc. as you go on in your marriage. Having such similar value system will enhance communication in marriage and having a better union that last. 

We have seen cases where couples just seek for divorce because they are “tired” of the marriage because they do not understand their partners. It doesn’t make sense for a pharmacist to get married to a person that thinks like an herbalist!

Marrying your friend means marrying someone who appreciates you at your best and accepts you at your worst. With such a person you are just yourself and not trying to put up your best behavior whenever they are around. Marry someone you can “mess” (fart) in their presence, lick the wrap of agidi while eating, crack and chew the tasty chicken bones without feeling guilty about it. If he or she is truly your friend; acting childishly, showing your weakness, been open about your faults and excess becomes easy. Taking such mindset into marriage makes it more easy with all the challenges that come with it. In much as some people see marriage as a lord-servant relationship (which is wrong by the way), marrying some you can “yab” and not be uptight when you are together make marriages more fun.

Marrying your friend means marrying someone who compliments you. Your areas of weakness become your partner’s areas of strength. Friendship is all about support and understanding; and in marriage it is essential we have partners who are able to support us in our areas of weakness. In as much as certain roles in marriage are tilted to a particular gender like cooking for woman, a man who understands that his future wife cannot cook will give her all the necessary support as a true friend. When your partner understands you at the level, then he is a friend.

Marrying your friend means marrying someone who is friend with your friends and your family. This is a very serious point. We have seen situations whereby a woman comes into a man’s life and all his friends starts leaving and family members starts having issues with her. In as much as she may not be a bad person but it goes to show that something is wrong somewhere. When a true friend comes into your life it doesn’t break other friendships and relationships you have spent years building, rather it enhances them. Here in Africa, the marriage institution is a closely knitted one, where friends and family are stakeholders. Sometimes they are the go-to people when you start having marital crisis.

Lastly, marrying your friend means marrying someone you know. How well do you know your partner? Back in the days here in Nigeria, when you go to certain family to marry, they ask you to give them time to do some background investigations; and giving their final consent on the marriage will depend on the outcome of such investigations. 

Oftentimes we find people who are so compatible, excellent chemistry, good gist partners, great sex life…and when they get married one partner then finds out the other is gay, or a very dirty person, or a thief and cheat, or a criminal, or has some sexual fetish, or deep rooted psychological issues. So my question again, how well do you know your friend? It is very important you give yourself a satisfactory answer before you make a lifetime commitment like marriage.

On a final note…some will ask what about love, what about money, what about fear of God? My answer to these questions is a simple one. If he or she is truly your friend from the above points. Then you already know the answers to these questions. 

In all it’s your decision, your marriage and your life.

Peace, E go Be!✌✌


  1. Marriage is a lucky dip. Marrying your friend can go belly up or go lucky. Nothing is guaranteed.

    1. Thank u. I married my friend and the marriage is practically over. We still gist for hours and get on well but that’s it. It’s only the children keeping us together now. Once they are of age I will ask for a separation. I am sure he will grant it and thank God it will be an amiable one. It takes more than friendship to sustain a marriage. Much more than that. Like u say it’s a lucky dip. Whatever u see is ur own.

    2. I am sorry to hear that but glad you are at peace with the situation.
      For learning sake, what made you think he was your friend.

      I ask because I am an advocate of marry your friend. I am currently married to one and its been blissful so i would have given the same advice but for your own testimony. By the way this is my second marriage and i would have always thought the first was bad because we were not friends.

  2. Most divorced couples married their friends yet they couldn't cope!..
    It's not possible for enemies to get married nah...
    So Whether you married your friend or not,marriage wey go last go last!..

    1. Marry your friend is not the opposite of marry your enemy in this instance.
      If you read the epistle by Stella above, I think it will be difficult (but for the uncertianity in humanity) to have issues if you have all that in a marriage.

      Marry your friend is someone you are certain will stay by you in bad times. Whose care for you is beyond gbenshing, beyond show off, beyond good times and shares your value. This sort of person is not marrying you because of the need to fulfil expected landmarks in his life. he is connected to your soul and vice versa

  3. Marry someone you can easily tell how you feel about everything.

    Marriage is a whole lot of work, we keep learning everytime.

  4. Stella I honestly believe that love as a feeling fades. Sparks fly and sparks dim as well.
    But if you marry your friend, the happiness will be boundless, like childlike fun. Even when you both argue, you can't stay mad at each other for love. Love born from friendship does not hinge on sex alone, it's a million little things. Occasional compliments, jokes, surprises etc. A million memories that mean nothing to outsiders but to you it means the world that even in the absence of wealth and kids you have each other.
    God please help me to marry my friend, my confidant, gossip partner, business partner, playmate etc.

    1. All that one na story. My husband and I are beat of friends yet the marriage don tire us. Peoples see us and tap into our marriage. I laugh. Dem Dey tap into friendship only, nothing more cos everything else don fade finish!!

    2. Anon 15:17 that is your case, I'm sure there is no one size fits all in marriage. Anon 13:12 you made a good point

    3. @15.17

      I believe that if you two still have friendship, you can always reignite the feelings of ‘love’ as long as both partners are committed to working towards that goal.
      There is no marriage where the spouses have butterflies in their tummy from the beginning to end. There are times when it feels like everything has ‘faded’ and friendship is one of the things that carries one through those times

    4. if you are truly friends your commitment toone another takes the relationship from love to brotherhood, (family) and is the height. Adopting the other person as your own through it all. No love transcend that because that is the love that God has for us, he made us his own. so you make your partner your own. you protect it like its your own and give your all like its your own. some of those women/men you see dying on top their spouse matter is because they care even for the spouse not necessarily because they want to die for marriage

  5. SDK all your points up there are correct. marrying your friend is the best. You don't get tired of your friend,that is why some friends are together for decades. you should marry someone you are not bored with. I did that and our friendship has kept our marriage going through thick and thin.

    1. @Courage, you don't get tired of your friends because they don't live with you. Have you ever had a best/very close friend who comes to live with you for at least 3 months? If you have or when ever that happens then assess the friendship thereafter and see if it is as close as it was prior to them coming to spend that length of time with you.

      Also, your best/close friend from primary school/secondary school/tertiary institution is that still your best friend today? If not, why?

    2. Anon you got me thinking
      I had this friend back in school.
      We were close. We were neighbours in our base and used to exchange visits and gist. Then I had accommodation issues and I had to squat with her for close to a semester (three months?
      My dear, what my eyes saw, after that, our friendship took a dive. As I type this, I don't know if she is still alive. Its been almost ten years since we talked on phone and then I lost her contact and didn't bother.

    3. That is not the defination of friend in this context. Its not someone we move with or gist with or jive with. It someone that our soul connects on all fronts.

  6. Manuals too much for marriage. May God help singles.

    1. Lol. I go with BB on this one.......

  7. Marrying your friend means Marrying who u can jokingly tell 'you are a fool' and he will not take offence.

    Someone u can send whatever errands without he or she feeling it's demeaning.

    I am working oh, cant type epistle. Let me just stop here

    1. Someone you can fart anyhow in his presence and he will jokingly say 'your head no correct, wait for my own bomb, it will soon come' and you will both laugh

    2. Yes. Someone that shares the same sense of humor with you.

      Someone that knows me well enough to never ever deliberately fart in my presence 😡

    3. Courage, u see that one ehn, we have degree. Let me even disgust u a bit.

      Boo used the toilet yesterday after so much smelly fart and then told me he practically filled up the toilet. Then he said 'babe come and see it na'

      Told him if u don't fuck out of my face with that disgusting talk.

    4. Thank you kamikaze. Was saying this to somebody one last week,i can never get comfortable with the farting deliberately stuff in a relationship,it is a no no.

    5. Y'all say all these things which all sound good, but ask yourself this: the things that made you laugh, the things that got you excited, the things that you joked about, the things that interested you 5 years ago are they still the same today? Maybe some, but not all. Well all change; some change a lot, some a little. Let's pray we grow in the same directions as our partners because a couple can have a lot of similarities at the start of a marriage and then lose those similarities a few years down the line. That's because people grow out of things.

    6. Anon 19:25,God bless you, sometime we dislike what we love.

  8. Marrying your friend means getting married to who you feel very free in his presence or absence. Who knows your weak points but does not judge you with it rather tries hard to you q better person . Whom you feel utmost peace being around him or her.
    Marrying your friend is the best thing that will happen to any spouse.

  9. It boils down to luck. Some dated for a long time but once it's official as in wedding, in court, traditional or church, count down to divorce for reasons they can't explain. Some married total strangers but are living happily ever after.

  10. Marrying your friend means marrying someone who appreciates you at your best and accepts you at your worst. With such a person you are just yourself and not trying to put up your best behavior whenever they are around

    Word on marble

  11. Marrying your friend because marriage comes with a lot of challenges. If you both aren't compatible enough,the the zeal to gracefully make it work might not be there. Any slightest provocation may lead to unnecessary argument, quarrels or even divorce.

    There might be some things that might come up in the marriage and you'd have to question yourself if the person you're married to is worth the sacrifices and all. There are some things we do for love and friendship sake and if these two things isn't in existence then people won't even be trying to work things out at all.

  12. Marry your friend abi you should ask God to give you a partner that would love and care for you till eternity! Marrying your friend doesn't determine a long lasting marriage! People should come off this mentality.

    1. But it is still 'God' that will give you that your friend that will be marring you, abi is it the devil?

  13. Firstlady blessing1 December 2020 at 13:44

    Nice one

  14. Marriage is a gift of God...Matthew 19:12, 1 Cor. 7:7. So if you are meant to be married, for that marriage to bring you good, not sorrow, you have to seek God from the beginning. You have to have a relationship with Jesus; not talking about "going to church and claiming born again"
    You have to put in the work, which is following the teachings of Jesus how marriage should be run. That is how enduring and blissful marriages are born. That does not mean that challenges won't come. But together, you'd overcome it when it does come. God wants marriages to succeed, for he is expecting godly offspring. He might lead you to your friend. He might lead you to a total stranger for you both to get to know each other. But the common thing here is that you both must belong to Jesus.

  15. Lol @Blackberry's marriage is a lucky dip.
    Today at the court I watched a marriage being officially dissolved, and another couple being asked to go back and see if they can resolve their differences, till the adjourned date,the Judge told the man all his wife needs is some petting as his main complaints is that she doesn't obey him and she is stubborn, everyone really felt they should reconcile and the two counsels representing them agreed so, and hoped they are a le to do so....
    Marriage is a place where two people will have to chop each others shiit and reconcile ready to reconcile and become sweeter every other time, as you are ready to forgive your friend or family member who wrongs you I guess marriage should be seen as such.
    Anyway I never marry o, wetin I know sef?
    E go better

    1. In as much as marrying your friend has its advantages, a successful marriage requires both parties putting in lots of work, work, work and work.
      Compatibility plays an essential part in a marriage.
      Both parties must be ready to forgive each other.
      How well do you know and understand your intended spouse?
      Give exclusive loyalty to your Intended Spouse.
      No other Relationship is to come before that with your Intended...
      Be truthful and faithful to your Intended Spouse.
      Do you have any false images of each other?
      You cannot try to shape...
      Honor your Intended Spouse.
      Do not take your spouse for granted.
      Rather harbor resentment, talk things out and through.
      Have good communication.

  16. Yes, marrying your friend; someone you love, is a good way to go.
    What makes marriage crash is when ladies marry out of other things
    but not Love. A lot marry men out of the blues due to what they hope to get;
    money, living abroad. These two are potent threats to marrying ones friends.
    A lot of ladies break off very promising relationships of years once those two
    show up. Christmas is coming, and that's when it happens a lot. I am just being
    as pragmatic as I can here.🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

  17. Marry to someone whose face you will be happy to see first thing in the morning and last thing at night. Marry someone whose voice you will be happy to hear first thing in the morning morning and last thing at night. Marry someone whose natural body of our without deodorants, cologne and lotions you find pleasant. Marry someone who will climb any mountain for you.

  18. There is no formular to marriage only the grace of God keeps us pushing.

    Its been eight years I married my best friend I dated for seven years and were casual friends for three years before dating.

    This is someone that worships the grounds I walk while dating. He showered me with so much love that beclouded my sense of reasoning.

    I was a very beautiful girl with enviable suitors flooding my fathers house, the fear of the unknown and so much love made me stick with him while he's a struggling young man.

    Eight years marriage with three kids and my lover boy feels he has arrived, turned to a deni god and converted me to his house girl.

    I wish I can turn back the hands of the clock, will share my story someday.

    1. Sorry to read this. So sad your life turned out less favorable than you expected. May some redemption come your way and you can experience a better life. You sound young still. Anything is possible in this world, never give up hope for something better. God is not finished writing your story. Have faith

    2. Honestly, no formula for marriage. I did not marry my friend, I married my chyker who was head over heels in love with me and quite older and it was just a 9 months distant courtship. I only married him because he's a good man from my state and faith. Almost ten years, I look around and I thank God I married him. Atimes I wonder how he puts up with me and my wahala. When some women narrate what they go through, I shudder and pinch myself. His love for me and the kids humbles me and makes me strive to be a better and more selfless person.

    3. Was enjoying your comment until the last paragraph 😢 It's really all grace because man is a broken being and human beings are flawed. If we can see the future, we'll never make mistakes but we can't and that's why we need faith. Be of good cheer, reflaming your marital love is possible.


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