Stella Dimoko Chronicles Of A Married Man - 12


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Sunday, February 14, 2021

Chronicles Of A Married Man - 12

Let’s talk about the in-laws…

I have always said that in Africa, we don’t only marry our partners; but we also marry their family.

Marital problems are not solved online. In the developed societies, they have marriage counselors even at the community level, paternity/family courts and a robust legal system that helps in resolving family issues. But here in Africa, they are solved at the family level.

That incident with my father-in-law on the day after my wedding gave me a rude shock. I quickly learnt my lesson and started minding how i relate with them. I didn’t know that he was judging me based on his family traditions. So, whenever I am around them, I just do my “bless you” “bless you” and go my way!

I grew up in a very liberal family. My parents never forced any habit, behavior or religious beliefs on us. My father will always tell you “It’s your life, your choice…do whatever you like with it”. By the time I was eighteen I had attended like ten different churches ranging from the Roman Catholic church, Cele, Pentecostal churches, JW and even Sabbath church. 

I read all sorts of stuffs and even had access to porn. I tasted cigarette once, I found it tasted bland so I just felt it wasn’t cool for me even while I was with my cousins who were doing weed on a regular. At sixteen, my mum had started asking me “where is your girlfriend?”. I would say I turned out well because I chose “right”

My wife on the other hand came from a very conservative home. Strict father, “churchous” family, firm moral upbringings and no exposure to “worldly stuffs”. I practically made my wife start drinking alcohol after we got married. Anyways “she don spoil now”

So, when you are getting married you need to understand the culture and traditions of the family you are getting married to. I see some young woman getting married today and they start claiming “this is my husband’s house and I’m in charge” especially in families where they have a communal living kind of culture. Before you know it, they have started having problems with their in-laws.

Also, some men in their own ignorance and immaturity have failed to draw the line between marriage and family. This is particularly difficult for some as they are still getting hand-outs from their parents or still tied to their mummy’s apron strings. I won’t even talk about the ones still living in their parents’ house with their wives!

Like I will always say; every marriage has its own peculiarities. Try and understand yours and adjust accordingly. Imagine being married to one of the Otedola daughters and thinking that their father’s wealth and influence won’t affect you. Just look at the case of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. Baba went to marry a “commoner” way older than him in the name of love and didn’t want the media scrutiny and frenzy not to talk of the family traditions and the drama that goes with the royal family. Kole werk na!

I have always been a “family man”. I grew up and completed the university with the help of family supports from uncles and aunties. It is only proper to keep the family tradition going. Sometimes when my wife complains about my incessant giving or solving one family problem or the other, I am quick to remind her that her family also benefits from it.

About living with the in-laws, I have always had at least one of my wife’s siblings living with us since we got married. Sometimes they are up to three! I have learnt to endure and manage them as much as possible. And over the years, we have become one big family. I already understood their family traditions. So, I maintain my lane.

If you can afford your in-laws living with you; well and fine. But if you can’t, don’t go fighting with your in-laws. Simply tell your spouse to do the “dirty work”. If I don’t want my wife’s younger ones staying with me, I simply tell me wife to ask them to leave. If my wife refuses, then that’s a different matter; because then I will know it’s my wife that I have the issues with. She is the one I married.

Just two points before I leave (side eyes at Stella) #Teachingfollowtoo#

One, Stop fighting with your in-laws!

 Whenever you have issues with your in-laws, always leave it with your partner to settle with them. He is their family members; he can handle them because he already knows and understands them. It’s crazy when I see a woman fighting for her “husband’s right” in the husbands family; who send you? If he decides to be stupid with his family, let him be. Also, whenever your in-laws are having issues with you but you are cool with your partner, just ignore them. Not point going for superiority or ego battle with your in-laws when all is well with you and your partner.

Two, great relationships take time to build. 

You just got married and you want all your in-laws to just like you. Who you be? Give them time to know you, warm up to you and accept you as part of the family. Afterall you took away their “son”, “the family cook”, “their urgent 5k giver”, “the mummy’s boy”, the favorite child of the family, “their Ada”. So, don’t expect them to be all happy. Learn about the family tradition and adapt. If you think you can isolate your partner form his/her family; then you are making a big mistake because no man can quarrel with his family forever. When they eventually settle, you will become the enemy.

Stop wishing death on your in-laws!



  1. Mmm... don’t fight with your in-laws, let your spouse deal with them. Easier said than done when your spouse joins them to fight you.

  2. This is the word of the lord, thanks to the lord

  3. Replies
    1. I love this writer abeg
      God please give me my own πŸ™

    2. We can work together to see how it goes
      May be God will give you to me and me to you

  4. I really don't know how MEN do it - You spend so much for a wedding (traditional, church et al) on a 250k or less wages, rent an apartment in a very busy city and then have to house and take care of both your younger siblings and that of your wife's...And not forgetting your parents and your in laws.
    You do this under serious stressful environment and at 50, already suffering from diabetes, High BP and have already given up.
    MEN,LIFE has NOT been FAIR on us. It's time to really re strategize and begin to focus MORE on our physical, financial and mental wellbeing.

    1. Oga,calm down. A lot of women are doing the same thing i.e. financially footing the bills for husband, children, her family and in laws. They don't talk because if they do, society will say they are disrespectful.

    2. Rockstar,also add side Chicks .

    3. Side vultures
      Rubbish diet
      Late nights
      Silent competitions with friends
      Zero exercise

  5. Let me point out something, if you are married to a spouse that is not ready to defend you, kindly defend urself wisely and calmly,ur points are gud but nobody is perfect #imposicant#

    1. In laws are not the problem. The attitudes displayed towards them leads to problems. Some of you just want the guy to yourselves and you believe his family is a distraction. You don't treat people with disdain and expect to be respected. I have a very healthy relationship with all my in laws, there is mutual respect. Over the years my sister's husband became very good friends. I never allowed stories of bad and evil in laws to influence my relationship with my in laws.

    2. Alexander, your view is one-sided and myopic. It is not always the wife's fault as your write up suggests. Some families never really accept the in-coming spouse no matter what you do. You are always seen and treated as an outsider. This leads to unfriendly attitudes towards each other and sometimes culminates in blow-ups. It is usually the welcoming attitude of the family to the incoming spouse that sets the stage for how the relationship is built and sustained. Most families will never think a woman is good enough for their son and find fault in the little things.

    3. Alexander wow just wow, u must be a child or an adult with a low IQ.

    4. Anon 15:05 don't mind the dummy, see how he quickly pointed out that he is mr perfect, I pity ur wife or wife to be. #spits on ur mentality#

    5. Who are the in-laws that start tormenting the wives because she is yet to fall pregnant or have a child?

      Who are the in-laws that disregard their wives because she is yet to have a male child?

      So all in laws are good while all the wives are bad? Wetin I no go read for this blog. I am really learning.

    6. Ms Abrodian mind him not, common sense is not common. Most people in a bitter marriage or relationship if not treated/counselled properly comments/speaks in generalization till they are cured.
      Forgive him, I have done so, he needs help

  6. Nigerian women go into marriages with the intention to hate their in laws. They are influenced by the stories they are told and the ones they read. Bitter souls who won't even take the pains to know their in laws. Yes l am generalising. It is something that is done by most women, so it is safe to generalise. You declare war on your in laws and expect your husband to do same. Unfortunately, some foolish men stand by their wives.

    1. Not all women Alexander, not all women. My in-laws never wanted my husband and I to get married cos of our difference in tribe, he stood his ground, they threatened to disown him but he still said it's either me or no one else. I have never resented them for once because of this, and today we are best of friends. I also have sisters in-laws that always pray for long life for my aged mother. It's an individual thing.

    2. Your first sentence is so true. It’s either that or they go in with the assumption that their in-laws will hate them.

    3. Save your hasty generalisation. I didn't go into marriage with the intention to hate my in laws, I still don't hate any till this moment.
      I am a full fledged Nigerian woman.

    4. Alexander, you said it all. People with very high IQ will understand what you said.

    5. This comment has been removed by the author.

  7. I can relate.
    No time for in-law brouhaha,I don't interfere at all instead I encourage him to do more.
    There's lot of challenges when partners are from different tribes,culture religion etc not easy at all.
    I dey raise Beyonce hand for my darling mumπŸ–πŸ–πŸ–
    She said to me "salma let the grace of Esther be on u.
    Hmm dat prayer dey follow me.
    I always find favor in the sight of my in-laws.
    In fact nobody sees the king without me queen Esther,cos through me whatsoever you find you must get because na me hold him mumum button

    1. Ah, screening toh badt.

      I dont need your permission to see my brother, unless he is a simp.

    2. Lol Anon 14.09 you're not serious. Your brother is simp for putting his wife before you? Deal with it and go and find your own wife

  8. Maybe the type of women you know. My brothers' wives and my uncles' wives are all amazing. My sisters' also welcome their in-laws.
    Please, stop generalizing.
    I pray to God everyday to give me amazing in-laws that will loved me wholeheartedly the way I love my brothers' wives because God knows I cannot thrive where there is no love.

  9. Nicely written πŸ‘ŒπŸ½πŸ‘ŒπŸ½πŸ‘πŸ½

  10. I totally agree with your write up , I was having a similar conversation with someone recently and he just wouldn’t get it . I also believe when you marry , you marry the family so it’s important for both families to accept eachother . I know in this blog when people bring stories of thier families kicking against their inter tribal relationships people advice they fight for their love .while love is very important in marriage it is also important to marry someone that understands your culture and a family that accepts you and your culture. You don’t want to feel alienated in the future if you both start having marital squabbles .
    About inlaws living with you , I used to be strongly against the idea before I got married . I even told my husband that would never happen with us , because he came from a family where that is the norm . But after years of marriage, I am very open to having in-laws leave with us. Because my in-laws are my family and they have proven that in every way possible. I am very pleased with the family I married into .

  11. I dont agree with that in law part. You can be a bad wife and bad husband but if you have good in laws you are good because they will never support any bad behaviour from the other person. If your in laws have issues with you the job of the other person is to ensure you are seen has a good person. At least with almost 10 years experience I can say this.

    1. Are you sure you read the write-up properly?

  12. If he decides to be stupid, let him be...
    Last,last na wife and children dey suffer him stupidity. Some wives are hated when they want the best for their husbands. Where there is mutual respect and justice, there is unlimited peace. They will pull down their brothers financially and turn around to blame the wife for not been progressive.πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„

  13. Writer, you are intelligent, smart and wise especially considering you are man. You hit the nail right on the head. There should be an handbook on "How to mange inlaws"


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