Stella Dimoko Korkus.com: Chronicles Of A Married Man - 14

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Sunday, February 28, 2021

Chronicles Of A Married Man - 14

We always say that in marriage, communication is key. But how do you tell your spouse that she has a terrible body odour or that she is getting fat without hurting her feelings?









Oftentimes we hear of people complaining about their partners giving them emotional and mental abuse by the way they talk to them. So many people lost their self esteem after getting married due to the constant complain, talk-down and emotional battering of their spouses.


We all as human will always have our lapses and character flaws. Marriage will expose these flaws and other factors such as age, educational background, exposure and social influences will determine how well we are able to manage such flaws and improve as better husbands or wives.


Early in my marriage, I was always blunt, direct and will always put out my feelings about issues and just tell my wife things “the way they are”. Over time, she started seeing me as someone who loves to complain and she said I was always comparing her with other people. At some point, she felt she was not a good cook, a good wife or that she is not a “serious person” as she always has this I-can’t-kill-myself attitude towards things.


This almost drained the life out of our marriage. When I thought about it critically, I found out that I was the problem. I was having expectations from her based on my own experiences and outlook of life, I was wrong.

 I am more than 6 years older than her, more intelligent and exposed. Yet I was expecting her to think like me. Therein lies the problem. I had to make some adjustments and deal will her the way she wants to be treated and learnt to be patient on certain issues. Overtime she became a more mature person and starting thinking like me.

These days, when she asks “Honey, is the food sweet?”; I would normally answer “yes, very delicious”. I make my comments about the food after the meal and when she is in a better mind frame for correction. Any negative comments about the food while we are at the table will kill her appetite instantly. I have learnt my lessons.

Questions like “am I getting fatter?”, “how’s my make-up looking?”, “do my boobs  look saggy?” “How’s this new hairstyle” are normally answered with positive comments. My wife once loosened the hair style she made the next day when I told her the style looked terrible.


Does that now mean I don’t tell her the truth about things or how I feel about issues now? Of course, I do. I have still been as blunt as I was since the first day I married her. But the thing now is, I have learnt when and how to deliver my messages without hurting her feelings and making her feel terrible.

A friend of mine almost had a nervous breakdown some years ago when his girlfriend tagged him a 40-seconds-man. This was a tall handsome guy who has had other girlfriends before her. But he became as shadow of himself due to constant criticisms by this lady. If not for intervention by the friends and family, that lady would have killed him. He is happily married with kids now but the lady in question couldn’t survive two years in marriage.

 She married a physically abusive man.

I personally believed that getting married should make you become a better person and having a spouse which brings out the best in you is the best thing you can hope for. So how do you tell your partner he or she is lazy or getting fat or has a smelly VJ or bad breath or not a good performer in bed; or a bad cook or has a terrible character without hurting their feelings?


There is no one-size-fits-all answer I can give to you. Marriages are different. And different strokes for different folks. But it starts by knowing yourself and your partner. Also, know the areas in your lives that causes issues and adjust accordingly. Always remember that everything you do is a choice, even your marriage is. So, if you decided to, you can adjust to and endure anything while patiently waiting and encouraging the partner to become better.


The difficult conversations must be had. Of course, you will have to talk about things. You will have to say these things and tell him or her to change from their “bad” ways, or improve on their character; or become better partners. Terrible behaviors must be corrected; wrong attitude must be called out. But don’t do it while putting down your partner or in a way that makes them feel emotionally and mentally abused. No one is perfect.


On the other hand, if you feel you are been emotionally and mentally abused by your partner, let them know. Some spouse might be correcting and criticizing without knowing that they are going about it the wrong way. I didn’t know I was “terrorizing” my wife until she woke me up on early morning and had a conversation with me about my constant criticisms and how I go about it.


You can’t change people. People will only change when they want to. Stop putting your partner under unnecessary pressures. Let them breathe. Some of the things we complain about in marriages, are things we can easily ignore if we decide to.

How does an OCD husband tell his wife who doesn’t like to bathe aT night to change. It will not be easy.

Till next week, I dey come…


Ciao!

26 comments:

  1. It will not be easy at all. I dey come back next week for more too.

    If you are going to come to this post with that stupid: “didn’t you see the signs?” Then you are part of the problem! An OCD man may never know his fiancรฉ doesn’t bath at night if he hasn’t slept in her apartment before the marriage. Use your brain. We unravel things, characters and new attitudes daily in marriage.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Intending couples should endeavour to read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, it's an eye opener on how to study and get to better know your spouse.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you marry a good teachable person yes

      A manipulator however will now know where your weak points are

      Delete
  3. How do people sleep at night without taking their bath??
    I believe communicating with love should sort what ever worries you might have with your spouse

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is not the time for hygiene Olympics, the subject matter is how to communicate these kind of sensitive issues to one’s partner without wrecking their esteem.

      Delete
    2. Snarker much love for you for this statement

      Yes, we do ๐Ÿ›Œ @night(both hubby and I) without๐Ÿ›€๐Ÿ›€๐Ÿ›€ ๐Ÿšถ๐Ÿšถ๐Ÿšถ

      Delete
    3. It's not hard now...just prepare the bath and bath together. In fact, it can result to great sex

      Delete
  4. This marriage thing sef.. Are you sure i would wanna?

    ReplyDelete
  5. Married little close to two years now. I have come to realize that whenever I struggle with communicating anything to my wife, it only happens when there is an ebb in our level of communication. At the initial stages of our marriage, we were practically fighting all the time. Third parties became involved, divorce was even a considered option. Left to our devices, we knew deep within us that a failed marriage wasn't an option.
    We pin pointed the issue to be absence of communication or miscommunication.

    Addressing this issue of communication, our marriage seems to be experiencing greater sweetness. We address issues as soon as they arise. We don't let them simmer to the point of explosion.

    When it comes to addressing such sensitive matters as body odor or the occasional vaginal odor, I know that it is not normal for her and she knows it isn't normal for me. A simple 'honey you need to go take a bath' suffices. Now, I realize that not most things are worth sacrificing the peace of mind of my wife for. I may not directly tell her negative observations. If I can do something about it, I do. But if it has to be said, I'd rather she hears it from me than from someone else outside.

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  6. Lol.. BBM don't be scared.

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  7. Saying what needs to be said without sounding harsh or cruel is very important in a relationship, especiallyfor the men..

    They on the other hand feel like they're helping you by saying their mind meanwhile they're crushing your spirit.

    That's how I ran from one bully in disguise like that. Doing like he was doing me a favour and advising on how to handle a particular issue that I was dealing with at that moment. This issue was a result of unfortunate circumstances and something I had already beaten and blamed myself for. His own "advise" was him low key harassing me and making me anxious. Instead of talking about how to solve what was happening, he began blaming me and over exaggerating the consequences. Using a very annoying draggy "gentle" voice so it would mellow down his harsh words.

    Because I'm quiet he thought I'd just sit there like a dummy and nod yes to what ever the hell he was saying. Had the f***ing audacity to call me slow and lacking initiative. MEEEEE????!!!!!... This is someone I was STILL GETTING TO KNOW and went to visit for the first time.

    I just shifted.... he later called to complain that I ghosted him. I told him how he can adjust the way he talks but that I just couldn't deal with it. I always make sure I give constructive feedback so as not to hurt whomever I'm talking with.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Some good for nothing people will be taking your silence for granted, calling you dumb n all, meanwhile they are the dumbest person on earth..I avoid these people like cray.
      Good you ghosted him..you're nice to even have to explain yourself to him.

      Delete
    2. If someone isn't careful the person may start to accept what they say and begin to look down on oneself... they can sound so convincing.

      Delete
    3. You are truly nice. Blocking his number would have sufficed. He knew exactly what he was doing and was just acting clueless. He saw that situation of yours as an opportunity to make you think yourself small and make you need him. He was trying to kill your spirit and make you dependent on him. You probably made him feel inadequate somehow without even trying and he needed to make you feel small to have you right where he wants you. If you had dated h verbal abuse would have been the order of the day, he would have made you lose your self-esteem so you get stuck with him. He was probably below your league.

      Delete
    4. Sabella, the way I am tripping for you now is wondering me. I will post with my ID soon.

      Delete
  8. Well done sir... My favourite Sunday Post for now. I always look forward to your write up.

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  9. I concur communication is key in any relationship.

    The most Complex B

    ReplyDelete
  10. Honestly, I totally agree with you. Sometimes, it is not the message in Itself but how the message has been conveyed to the other person, our choice of words, the timing, the mood.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Interesting read.
    Expository too.
    Communication is beautiful in relationships/marriage, knowing HOW TO COMMUNICATE with your significant other without hurting them too is no easy feat.
    But it is doable.

    ReplyDelete
  12. You are a very scary husband. You claim to be more intelligent than your wife and more mature because you are 6 years older?? Now she thinks like you? Wtf? You talk about your wife as if you are talking about a child you are training. You talk about "correcting" a full grown woman that cooks for you. I have been with my man for 9 years. We are in a partnership. We are in a happy marriage and he is nothing like you describe. Talking about your wife as if you are talking about a child. Let's just say, I am glad you are not my husband. Again wtf

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is why he married his wife and not you. To each, their own.

      Whether you accept it or not, some people have higher IQ than the other by virtue of so many different factors like exposure, nature etc.

      If a couple happen to be on the same level mentally, ( like some of us are fortunate to be), that's great. Some are not but it need not affect the love, if there is understanding.

      After all, the Bible says love is patient, love is kind.....

      Delete
    2. Aunty cool down na. I don’t think his write up portrayed that. I kind of thought he might be a narcissist I’m the beginning but he improved with time. Everyone learns from their mistakes. Their marriage is working and on good terms. That’s what really matters.

      Delete
  13. What do you mean by saying younare more intelligent than her beacause you are 6 years older than her. See all the things you wrote about your wife like younare the mr perfect that knows it all. You forgot to mention the things your wife might have also noticed about you but choose to keep quiet and just love you all the same. Yeye man. You sound like someone who will not give your wife breathing space. Mr know it all. If your wife cannot cook, enter the kitchen and cook the food yourself now. Yeye. All the egocentric men feeling like a trophy. See him saying he is more exposed. Is your wife a child you are nurturing. Pls keep your advice jare. That woman is your partner not your pikin.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Did you read the post at all? The wife mentioned the areas he was lacking and he adjusted, the post doesn’t portray him as me perfect at all, it actually showed how imperfect he was at the beginning.

      Always read with an open mind

      Delete

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