Stella Dimoko Chronicles Of A Married Man - 20


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Sunday, April 11, 2021

Chronicles Of A Married Man - 20

''...For me, love is a choice I can decide to make whenever I want and it is just a feeling which i can basically control. Now as a married man, love is an obligation I owe my wife just as some people love their parents....''

I wanted to do some major table shacking this week but changed my mind after I watched the Don Jazzy #Blackboxinterview with Ebuka.

Watching that interview felt so refreshing for me. And looking at Don Jazzy the whole time of the interview felt like a therapy session for him. When it got to the point where he had to talk about his relationship/love life; I was like, is Don Jazzy me? Huh! Because everything thing he described about himself and his perception about love was just me.

It was then it hit me. This could be the cause of why lots of people are having issues in their relationships and even marriages today. People go into relationships with people and expect them to behave in certain ways and accept what their version of love is while the other person feels differently.

Some of you may be wondering what I’m even talking about. So, let me tell you a little about my type of person.

I am a hardcore Choleric and an Aquarius. I also consider myself a very traditional and conservative person. But thank God for education and exposure, I am becoming more liberal as the years go by. I am basically not the emotional type. I would say I have never really been “in love” perse; never been heartbroken. 

For me, love is a choice I can decide to make whenever I want and it is just a feeling which i can basically control. Now as a married man, love is an obligation I owe my wife just as some people love their parents.

I started relationships in my early twenties but I started reading stuffs as far back as when I was 14. I was basically wild at heart and knew stuffs way ahead of my age. Most of the women I dated before I got married were older than me. I’m talking between 5 to 10 women older than me. I also dated younger women but I wasn’t always ready for their dramas and their perception of love and relationship.

At that time, I could be in a relationship with someone and not call her for 5 days. I will call the 6th day as if nothing had happened; and of course, there will be drama and quarrel due to my unseriousness and “lack of love and care”.

 Sometimes, I would be on a project or a remote location and even forget I have a girlfriend. I kept having issues with the younger women because they felt I wasn’t taking the relationship seriously. They felt my world should revolve around them or I should show more commitment.

For me love was a form of commitment and a choice you make to be with someone. But that shouldn’t change who I am. I felt a relationship or even marriage is part of my life, just like getting a degree or a job; it shouldn’t just be what my life should be about. For the older women, they already knew that and I was mature enough to manage them. Most of them didn’t even know they were older than me.

One of the first things that attracted me to my wife (even though she was way younger) was her care-free attitude about relationships. Finally, I saw someone who doesn’t take me so seriously like her life depended on it. Whether I called her or not, she didn’t care. I could just be me. Even till this day, she sometimes will ask me, “how could you just stay a whole day and not call your family to check on them because you are working?”. 

She was even laughing at me last month that I don’t even remember the exact birthdays of my children. For some wives, that would be an abomination.

So, in this narrative, I will call this attitude the “Don-Jazzy Complex”. Lots of men are going about their lives with this complex and lots of woman do not know. A family friend of mine is having challenges in his marriage today because his wife thinks he is “lazy”. This guy is a master degree holder in engineering but just wants to live a simple life. His wife thinks he should be making more money like us due to his level of education and intelligence. But baba just want to live a simple life without stress. So, there is always tension in the house as the wife has to work more than him to afford the luxury life.

Many men are emotionally unavailable, laid back or even lazy, unambitious, local in thinking, conservative in nature, religious zealots or even extremists in their beliefs, unappreciative, dirty, lukewarm or even dull, and so on. But it’s who they are; it’s their God-made nature. Most of them cannot and will not even bother to change to save their lives. Some of them may be aware of such traits while others may not; some may even cover such characters with other ego-boosting behaviors. For example, a lazy man may resort to wife beating just to prove that he is man enough to cover for his laziness.

Some of such attitudes may not be bad on their own. But when taken into the relationship or marriage context, it becomes a different matter altogether, as it causes negative effect to their partners. So, it takes an understanding and supportive wife to know such traits and help the man to navigate through such to become better persons. But many women either due to immaturity, inexperience or other reasons tend not to understand and become antagonistic. Na so wahala dey take start.

Kindly note that it’s also the same with women too. They also have their traits too. But I’m speaking from the perspective of a man. So, how do we solve such problems or better still manage such issues with those kinds of men? Especially, those of us that are already in such situations.

The first thing is this. If it is early in the relationship you notice such traits and you think you can’t cope with such behaviors, please quit. You cannot, change anybody. Don’t marry him with the hope of changing him. He won’t change. The best you can get is a refined version of him. My brother Stereoman said “If e nor goodu for your brain, quit!”

 if you are already married before you notice such behaviors. (Yes, people can marry such men without knowing). my advice is to manage him like that if you think you can, and continue to engage him with love and understanding to be a better person. Dont try to change him. A lazy man will always be a lazy man, but he can improve into a better version with time. But if you can’t… you know what to do.

Always remember, there’s someone for everyone. Irrespective of your behavior, there are people who will accept you for who you really are. But try to always be a better person. There is always room for improvement.

Na so e be for this week.



  1. Make una take women as they be...good right up

    1. Word 🙌🏾

    2. You actually do not have a problem, you may lack the ability to feel that extent of love.

      Let me shalaye small...

      I was watching a doctor speak on "narcissists" and that's when I understood them (not calling you one) it's actually a condition where some people lack empathy so they may do or say things especially because they don't understand how it hurts the other person...they just lack the ability to feel certain things.

      In your case you lack the ability to love (not talking about sibling and parental love now) I mean falling in love, the kind that can't be controlled. The one you feel in the pit of your tommy, the one that keeps you smiling without reason.
      That means you have never been in love? Wow.

      Now for people like you, like you said is finding a partner that doesn't care too much or feels that deep or else they will keep getting hurt.
      I had the same problem with an ex, cus I am too empathetic while he lacks empathy.

      I am happy you found your kind, I hope more men are reading rather than blaming women for being too emotional or dramatic yet they are the ones that lack somethings.( Which is no fault of theirs).

      In Nigeria we do not talk about the need for behavioral therapists, they teach people certain behaviors which may come naturally to others.
      If you are a man or woman and you feel you are like this please communicate this to your partner rather than have them feel undesirable.

    3. The women should take the men as they are..... what happens to men taking the women as they are???? Why must it be all about we men, I’m so damn tired of this narrative because my sister married a man like you and everybody expects her to manage the man and that has got her soooo exhausted emotionally, physically and every other way. Is marriage and relationships not about compromise? What stops the man from compromising?? The woman has done the most by leaving her fathers house, bearing your name, giving you kids, washing and taking care of you and every other person , just a minor adjustment that we men have to make for them we simply can’t and expect them to tune their heart, reasoning and everything to suit us. It’s a fucked up world mehn I can’t deal

  2. Am leo and I dnt get along with aquarius signs(both male n female) at I know why

    1. Aquarius is in opposition to Aquarius, meaning on the zodiac chart they are opposite each other and can only see each other from a distance.

  3. Omohhh Most Aquarius are so emotionally distant including me. If you no hint us (me) we won't even realize it. Omohhh I need to change! God abeg o

  4. Hmmmm
    As the true cancer that I am I can't deal with such trait, it can't just work at all.
    I join God to forbid it for myself.
    I like my space in a relationship too, but you shouldn't be absent, it shouldn't look it in anyway.

    1. dirty manipulative users r what cancerians are tho generous

    2. I'm cancer too and my ex an Aquarius, dude was a user, manipulative and a cheat. So anon 15:05, what you just wrote is the trait of an Aquarius not cancer, who are emotional and very caring

    3. like I said yall r generous and caring too but users at most those are one of ur negative traits

  5. Beautiful piece. Truth!!!

  6. There may indeed be someone for everyone. Most of the time the person we end up marrying may not be that person. This doesn't mean we don't have to do all we can to ensure our marriage works. Only a fool enters marriage without preparing to make adjustments on his/her part. Saying that you should be accepted as you are doesn't really cut it.

    1. @dog Come take I bottle of baileys

    2. Make it 2 bottles and a side of Pork chops.
      All these chronicles excusing bad character traits is annoying.
      Contrary to accepted belief, ANYONE and EVERYONE can change, and if you care about someone, it's your Responsibility to make the EFFORT!

  7. Everyone should work on themselves. Stop waiting for who will take you as you are.

    1. Exactly!!👍🏾

    2. Thank you Bini. No be only take me as you are. If the woman was full of shit, will you take her as she is?? As if women don't have their vices and flaws too.

  8. Everybody should find someone that matches their level of crazy. If there's an incompatibility issue managing another person won't work. The home will be so toxic. Poster you're lucky you found your match if not you for dey sing another song now.

    I love this Chronicle.

  9. I it is good to tag along with your match.... It saves lots of things. Aside that, individuals should should try to study and understand the other and then determine if its what they can keep up with. Like the writer mention, you cant change anyone. People will always be who they are no matter how much they want to change, they still do things the old way. If u no fit manage person character and manner abeg waka pass than come de tell us story later.

  10. The both gender needs maturity, patience and love in other to have a happy home, with full doze of jesus u are good to go.

  11. Funny enough i'm an Aquarius, but I'm highly emotional, I can fall inlove for silly things, and I get attached to things easily. I love communication and attention alot

    But, I prefer men I pursue, show me attention and it irritate me, care and it's a turn off. But I yearn it when don't see it, I try to get it in relationships. Kia I'm I okay?

  12. There is no evidence backing the cousins about zodiac signs and personality. Agreeing and confessing to negative traits because of the day you were born will only amplify those al traits in you.

  13. Oga you are so gender biased

  14. Please, Zodiac signs HAS NO EFFECT on people's personality!👂👂

    People are products of their UPBRINGING, ENVIRONMENT and EXPERIENCES.

    Poster, if you are unable to love or fall in love, that's a restful of the family you grew up in and your experiences.

    ANYBODY can change if it SUITS them, SERVES their interests or for a GREATER GOOD.

    Don't go into marriage with such selfish attitude as you narrated up there!

    1. that's a *result* of (pardon the typo)


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