Stella Dimoko Korkus.com: Chronicles Of A Married Man - 22

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Sunday, April 25, 2021

Chronicles Of A Married Man - 22

“This life nor balance o!







“This life nor balance o! My wife and I have been TTC for the past two years. The last miscarriage she had was particularly heart-breaking, as we literally saw our child losing its heartbeat during the ultrasound scan. We lost the child and even spent more money just to evacuate it from her womb and to keep her alive”, He said.


“And to think that we have been faithful to God and even didn’t indulge in premarital sex before our marriage. But our friends on the other hand, who have been “wayward” and having sex before marriage now have children and seem to be doing well”, He continued.


“I’m not complaining or blaming God for it. It’s just that when I think about it sometimes, I feel bad”, he concluded.

While he was saying these, I was just looking at him with a smile on my face. He is such a wonderful person with a good heart. I love working with him as he is a junior colleague to mine. He loves his wife so much and could talk to her on the phone all night after the day’s work. He is one of the few faithful men we have in my department.

So, I asked him, “Are you happy with your marriage?”. “Yes  “, he responded.

“If you don’t bear children and your wife is not able to conceive, will you still be happy?”, I probed further.

At the point he paused and took some few seconds to think about the implication if such question and then replied. “If that’s the will of God, sure I will still be happy”

The conversation continued, I told him that marriage is not a compensation for good behavior, that he should learn to see other areas where God has blessed him as he is not doing badly in life. I gave him some advice and what he can do to help and also told him to seek external support from church and family. Anyway the conclusion of that conversation is a story for another day.


 Does a successful and happy marriage happen by luck, by God’s favour or by deliberate actions and hard work?

Luxembourg has the highest divorce rate in the world today at 87%, followed by Spain, France, Russia and the United States with global average of 50%.

 Ironically, these same countries are among the top fifteen richest and happiest nations in the world. I was even hoping that Nigeria would be among one of the nations with the least divorce rates in the world but alas, we nor even dey top ten.

Interestingly, when I searched for the most cause of divorce in marriages, infidelity is number two at 18%, with incompatibility and growing apart been the leading cause at 44%.

Why am I giving all these boring statistics? It’s simply to buttress the fact that marriage does not equate riches or happiness. Singleness doesn’t either by the way. People go into marriages today because the think marriage will solve the inadequacies in their lives while for others, marriage is a final destination. So, they expect that when you get married everything will just change to happy ever after. That’s the beginning of the marital crises especially in a country like Nigeria today where people are very unrealistic with their expectations and their “God go do am” mentality.


In Nigeria, we want to combine the “woke” culture, our traditional beliefs and culture, our religious beliefs and our personal opinions all at once and expect to have the perfect marriage. We are jokers! You want the tradition that collects bride price but you don’t want the same tradition that support polygamy, you want your marriage to be “rooted in Christ” but you don’t want that biblical part that says give absolute respect and submission to your husband, you believe that marriage is a partnership where the husband takes care of your needs; and you keep the home and bear babies but you want to jump ship when things go south.



 For the men, you want a holy and virgin Mary as wife and also expects her to know all the sex positions. You believe that bride price payment is outdated but yet you want the woman to serve food while kneeling down. You want a beautiful and intelligent wife that will prepare all sorts of meals but yet you don’t want to work and support her. We are jokers.



Marriage is a combination of all them: luck, God’s favour and hard work. Your ability to discern the areas in your marriage where you are lucky, favoured and where to put in the work will determine whether or not you will remain in that marriage.


Just imagine if Chioma were to get married to Davido and expect baba to hang his 'Boots' in one place and remain faithful. Inasmuch Davido is capable of being faithful, but it is an unrealistic expectation. You can argue all you want but the records show that the average lifespan of celebrity marriages is just 7.4years.

Some people were lucky to marry supportive and rich partners but have other areas of defect they have to endure. Some are married to good-fearing people who are not serious, other to beautiful women who are lazy and mannerless but yet they are happy. If we all look closely to our marriages, we will always find areas that will require us to put in some work, patient or even become spiritual about.

Some of the things a lot of us complain about in marriages today are some people’s prayer point. As for me, the bottom line for every married couple is happiness. If you have been able to figure out a way to be happy in your marriage, you would have solved most of your marital problems.

We are presently begging a friend’s wife to come back home after the side chick of two years almost killed him. The glamorous things he was seeing in her changed after he put her at home. I’m sure he won’t complain again when his wife returns.

One thing my wife and I have both agreed on is fact that, the day the marriage becomes a source of sadness and pain to our lives. We will seek for divorce. That is what is done in advanced societies that we try to copy today.

Till next week

Ciao!

36 comments:

  1. Oga , you are too much biko. Human expectations etall. It's only God that will help us.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. @Euji
      Too much in what exactly; in his sexcapades or bar presence? 😏😏😏😏

      Delete
    2. I know you know by now that you need to do better oga. Constantly pinching out things to justify why women deserve less & bad treatment only makes me feel sorry for your wife.

      Delete
    3. Lol, you and your wife will copy advanced societies when it comes to divorce but worked against your friend marrying the woman he loves because she told him she had a child. In those advanced cultures, is having a child a limitation to remarrying if the other partner also wants kids? I know by now your friend would have understood what went down and will be careful of how he seeks and listens to 'advice'.

      Delete
    4. Nice one
      but be giving good advises o

      Delete
  2. No marriage is the same and truth be told, not everyone is destined to be married. Couples need to come to a mid point where they feel comfortable and willing to let certain things be with much effort for a marriage to work.

    ReplyDelete
  3. OP said, "One thing my wife and I have both agreed on is fact that, the day the marriage becomes a source of sadness and pain to our lives. We will seek for divorce."

    Isn't this what a conscious decision to put in work in the marriage supposed to prevent?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Divorce is on the increase because people who aren't prepared to follow the rules of marriage are getting married.

      We have religious rules, culture rules etc that have been working for generations.. but these woke generation think they are wiser..
      When you try to advice them on certain behavior, they'll quickly counter you with examples of bad Girls that ate getting married every Sunday.. like we don't see the divorce rate and troublesome marriages that escalated since these started happening.. same with guys too.. you marry a yahoo boy because of longthroat, one who lies and deceive for a living and you expect your marriage to be devoid of deceit.. who are you deceiving..

      Blessings bro

      Delete
  4. When you quote statistics on marriage, divorce and "happiness," quote some others.
    Did you search about the suicide and drug use rates in those countries especially the United States?
    Why are the so called "happy people" committing suicide in droves? Why are they the greatest illicit drug buyers?
    Aren't they looking for happiness and fulfilment in life. Proverbs 19:14"Houses and wealth are inherited from parents but a prudent wife is from the Lord..."
    Fulfilment can only be found in Christ; not in money/wealth, drugs or "happy marriages"
    Balance your life and eternal life and you will have joy unspeakable. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Exactly fulfilment can only be found in Christ Jesus.

      Delete
    2. A man with 700 wives and 300 side chicks is the one who African women read to know how to behave. Na wa. I don't know any statistic that says people in the USA are among the happiest. Secondly, how do you measure a subjective experience?

      Each person has the responsibility of creating their own joy. There are prudent wives who are Hindu or adherents of Ifa. There are pious wives who are Muslim or Shintoism subscribers. Before they started importing Bibles and exporting slaves, there were prudent, pious and good wives and even wonderful husbands. Thanks.

      Delete
    3. @Mao
      Please adhere to your ifa and shinto, no one is quarreling with you.
      If someone preached the word of God before he backslid, it doesn't nullify the word he
      preached; does it?

      Delete
    4. In your rush to reply instead of addressing the anon you are addressing Mao that agreed with you.

      Delete
  5. My concern in this your submission is that all the questions you were asking that colleague of yours about marriage are the things you and your wife do not have. Yes, I have been reading your posts.
    You don't have a happy marriage. Your wife is unhappy with your lifestyle and friends. You drink all nights in bars and boast about your sexual explorations. You once espoused what looked like a free for all marital relationship. Yet, you began your marital journey in the Redeemed church where you even lied about your
    sexual activities before marriage. these were the things I've read here in your stories.
    So, aren't you the number one "unrealistic Nigerian" you talk about?
    Aren't you the number one in the elevation of marriage to what it is not?
    I will keep reading you until one day I expect to read about you setting things right with God, making Jesus the Lord of your life and marriage. Perhaps then, I will understand all these bashing of Nigerians you are always doing on this posts.
    I stay tuned. 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Can you just stop being judgemental and move on.

      Why not focus on the point he raised than always condemning and bashing the writer with his previous disclosure.

      We have too many problem in this country.

      You guys should let this writer be with his past and focus on point raised.

      Delete
    2. Lol, anon. Pity the poster nau.

      Delete
    3. Lol, anon 13;53 I go follow u dey stay tuned.

      Delete
    4. True talk,he does not have a happy home

      Delete
  6. Have a bad feeling about "the story for another day".

    ReplyDelete
  7. God instituted marriage but humans want to run their marriages as they like.

    It is not a one-sided relationship.

    DO WHAT GOD'S WORD SAYS CONCERNING MARRIAGE and you would have a successful, happy marriage. 🙏

    ReplyDelete
  8. Lol.. very funny and balanced write up..
    The hypocrisy tho..
    If you want culture then do culture, if you want religion then do religion.. you can't go cherry picking only on what you like and expecting things to work.. you'll just be deceiving yourself..

    I was talking to a girl some weeks ago about how everything is not money money money.. told her that a man's prospects is what matters.. a hustler, cos in life there are always up and down.. if you marry for no money today, what will you do when the money goes, is the man someone you think you can be with during those times? Is he someone who'll go out there and try to get the money back.. she just quickly quoted the part of the Bible about how a man who can't sustain his family is worst than an infidel.. na so me sef ask am "what does the bible say about a virtuous woman"?.. she begin vex cos she think say I won carry virginity matter enter Lol.. but it was actually other virtuous trait I wanted to point out sha.. guilty conscience 😄😄.. Haba.. since you want us to use the Bible as an authority.. oya make we use am finish nah.. abi na only place weh you like you go pick..

    The reason why I counter most comments here is only because of this hypocrisy thing.. lets learn to compliment each other cos the truth is that we're all not perfect.. Stop expecting another to be all that when you are not all that.. until we learn to do this, and be content, wahala go dey dey..

    Even some pastors sef dey always misyarn for marriage vow.. wdf is "for richer and richer, in health and health etc etc".. life is not a bed of roses, riches and poverty must happen, good health and sickness must happen and so on... make them know say when e happen dem go dey there and support.. no be to discharge immediately..

    Sunday blessings

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nice one

      And we have forgotten that Christ said in this life there will be tribulation.

      No marriage is perfect but the ability to seek wisdom from God to direct and help us makes it perfect.

      Delete
  9. The one and only married man I briefly dated (which i deeply regret), was always complaining about his wife especially about their sexual lives etc....he wanted to use me to satisfy his sexual fantasies.at one point i really got irritated and asked him y he couldnt try it with her..his excuse was dt she was an SU.(so u go dey do good boy for inside and james bond outside abi)...i tire leave am waka jare cos some men live a lie in their marriages

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lol..
      I think all these stuff should be discussed before marriage, and person pretend during the dating period only to change after marriage then anything such persons get, he should just take it.
      If you know you like blow job, and the girl you're dating has sworn never to do it.. if you both can't reach a compromise, then you have no need getting married.
      There's this friend of a friend while I was still in uni, he is a married man, the only thing he comes to pick undergraduate girls for is just for blow job.. according to him, his wife doesn't do it.. there was another one I heard of who just needed a girl that will ride him and give him doggy cos madam say she no be hoelosho, na only papa and mama style she dey do..

      I'm not married Lol, but I think compatibility is what matters in every relationship, lov is not enough

      Delete
    2. And you lived a lie in your life.
      Regret is not repentance. Deeply regret is not repentance either.
      Judas regretted selling his master, Peter repented of denying him. Choose one. 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

      Delete
    3. @Anonymous,14:44, I get where you are coming from, but please this isn't the right way to win people to Christ... Be human, be humble, let your words uplift and not condemn, preach with compassion, and do not troll people for their imperfections and inadequacies. Be humble!

      Delete
  10. Well said Sir.
    I was just seeing some true words and great points.
    Lass lass I go still talk say e go better ..haha

    ReplyDelete
  11. I recently came to the realization that all this talk about expecting your marriage to be 'happy-ever-after' is a farce.
    I mean, none of the marriages listed in the Bible had a fairytale beginning and end. So the best is to expect there would trying times that you both cannot control but must choose to find a happy balance.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Anonymous 13:53
    Well done you are living in his house na abi you are gatekeeper that you know his marriage is a sad one.
    Mr writer I look forward to your write-up,let's learn to pick good lessons and stop dissecting people's life,we all strive for perfection.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Nigerians and marriage. The moment it comes to marriage or relationship issues, you will see people’s head and flooded comments. When it comes to governance, science and technology, you will see like 10 comments and they all go and sleep back inside their shell. That tells you people have decided not to wake up. If the amount of attention we put in marriage talk can be channeled to the government and demanding accountability, things would have changed a long time ago. At the end, all I see is a people that is selfish period. So long as my marriage is working, the country can pack up. You are forgetting that if the country is not working, your marriage will also be affected.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Be saying nonsense..
      Even on this blog, we have a lot of comments in post related to governance.. or was it not the youth that came out enmasse to protest and we're killed.. people keep speaking everyday even tho no things keep getting worse..
      Only you know what your issue with marriage is.. may God help you find peace

      Delete
  14. You made a lot of salient points Married Man. Would like to congratulate you for your boldness and honesty especially in a women-dominated blog where men can't seem to catch a break at times.

    I truly hope this your junior colleague and his wife have a testimony soon. Sometimes, it is the trial that makes the treasure worth it.

    The mix and match of religion, culture, new age etc is causing so much confusion in many families. The man starts out married in the church then married to the secretary since his mother actually raised him Muslim. By the time he wants to marry the fifth, he decamps from Asalatu to join his great grandfather as a "traditionalist" that wants to be buried in the Christian or Muslim way since his names are Julius and Abdulkadir. Now the first wife, what kind of marriage would she claim she has? Or what of the man who divorces on paper but does not really divorce a number so he has the societally acceptable number of one? Or the one who married them by putting them in the family way before wearing a white suit to wed one of them in the registry?


    Each person would have to decide on the life they desire and then live it out with its consequences because at the end of the day, you are the only one that can please yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Recent experience has shown me that only God can direct you to the right spouse. Getting pple of reasonable character seems harder everyday

    ReplyDelete
  16. Good one poster,keep being you.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Ur last paragraph belies the much u've said about working on marriage.

    ReplyDelete

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