Stella Dimoko Weekend Arena - Not Everyone Must Stay Married


Advertisement - Mobile In-Article

Friday, April 16, 2021

Weekend Arena - Not Everyone Must Stay Married

''Life is a bouquet of realities and the best anyone can do is to design a way to handle his or hers...''

Prince Emeka Obasi, my boss at National Mirror once said something very instructive about life during one of our numerous editorial meetings. We were in the process of fine-tuning a story idea for the Saturday title, when he, impulsively remarked that a perfect life was a mirage in reality. 

According to him, life is designed in a way everyone cannot be rich, must not be married, will not give birth, and cannot have top-notch health. Life is a bouquet of realities and the best anyone can do is to design a way to handle his or hers. God in His infinite wisdom must have a reason for this, and humans must respect this in order to have a fairly harmonious life on earth.

This stance flashed through me after reading the story of Destiny Adaeze Ikpeama, the female lawyer whose husband, Anthony is being held in police custody for her death. According to the story, Adaeze who was already mum to two kids was pregnant with the third. Their marriage, consummated in 2014 had been having issues, with members of both families often intervening to broker peace, but this did not mean much to the husband, Anthony Ikpeama (the Igbo translation of his surname is ‘he who cannot be at fault’) who would always hit the woman according to his mood. 

The zenith of this pummeling came to an end last week at their residence in Ajah, a suburb in Lagos. During a brawl, the man hit her until she became unconsciousness. Their neighbours had intervened by taking the lady to a nearby hospital, where an oxygen mask was fixed to help resuscitate her, but the husband was so consumed by anger that he pulled off the mask, triggering a heart attack that eventually killed Adaeze.

He is still in custody and yet to avail his account of the incident; although there will be no reason cogent enough to justify murder. So many groups, especially in the legal field, which is Adaeze’s constituency, are queuing to make sure her supposedly aggrieved soul gets justice. It is my prayer that this is expedited as I join in reiterating Prince Emeka Obasi’s stance that people must live according to what life throws at them. 

One is obliged to try his or her best, but when it seems it is not working, one must surrender to that superior reasoning and move on.

Everyone must not stay married. 

In Destiny’s case, she may have tried to cope with the hope that things would improve. She may be one of those hanging on due to her two children or parents or even what the society would say, but the plain truth is that none of those is weighty enough to equate with life. When an old woman falls twice on a journey, she must take a second look at her basket and know the items to get rid of. If the old woman insists on accommodating all the items in her basket, then she is ready to be overburdened by the weight of that basket.

May be the society should be blamed here, because it places so much expectations on couples; but I will blame the spouses more for allowing themselves to be led overboard by society. 

Two years after marriage and the lady’s tummy is not bulging, everyone would be worried on her behalf, wondering why there is a delay, without minding if it is deliberate or not. 

The couple attends church service and the pastor would adopt childbirth as his prayer point. The parents and in-laws would begin to hold meetings on whom to consult for solutions on their behalf. Meanwhile they did not complain to anyone.

Such expectations are responsible for keeping spouses in bad marriages, even when all is wrong with the union. May be the orientation of our female children needs to be modified on how they should see divorce. While not canvassing for a divorce, females must be made to know that at the risk of throwing in their lives, it is an acceptable option. 

Parents and by extension, the society must stop seeing people whose marriages did not work as failures. In the case of Destiny, whose parents could even muster enough funds to train her as a lawyer at Madonna, a private university that costs as much as N1.2m per annum, it would not be too much to also impart on her the reasoning to walk away from an abusive spouse when her life is at risk.

 It would not be out of place to raise our female children to learn and earn financial independence to be able to wade through such storms in life, since some of them often hang on for sustenance.

Adaeze would not have become a failed woman if she had filed for a divorce before this calamity. At least, something (her life) would have been spared. But she stayed on, and she lost the-marriage and her life in the process. Now the two children from the union, who never bargained for any of those, would be made to suffer for the folly and prejudices of others. Too bad!

Everyone must not stay married…

On a broader and national scale, the Nigerian government must also learn to jettison the idea that the marriage that brought about Nigeria is sacrosanct, cast in tungsten, the hardest metal. No, it is not. And it should not be. If the old woman keeps falling down on a journey with her basket, she must take another look at the contents of the basket and decide what to keep or throw away. If we will be better, more peaceful staying apart, why all the bloodshed to be together? Every marriage, like nationhood, should be enjoyed, but not at the point of death.


  1. Nice one.

    Such a sad story. Run from domestic violence we no dey hiaa.

    1. The saddest truth is some will prefer to die than leave. They wish for the spouse to kukuma finish it than face society, at least that prevents them from committing suicide.
      The same people( 95% on this blog) who tell you to leave will still be the ones to laugh at you and tell you words that hurts more than the abuse because the average Nigerian especially your so called females minds are so twisted that the only way they sleep at night is if another woman has it worse than them.
      Just look the comment sections on any blog when a marriage crashes, how much vile and evil they spill from their demonic hearts behind the comfort of key boards insensitive to the vulnerability of the people going through tough time.
      We all need to learn to say kind words to people at all times because you never know what one is going through until you go through it. Being mean does not pay. We keep blaming society, who is society? You and I. We all call ourselves Christians but never have a kind word to say to people.
      Society will change one person at a time starting from us. Give yourself that challenge and see how life will be better for you and everyone around.

  2. Nice Piece Ngozi... For me the Church is a major culprit in all of these Domestic Violence and Abuses. Most Domestic violence persist because pastors keep encouraging the spouse to work it out, even when it is obvious the marriage is heading to the rock.

    People are scared because of not being relegated to back bench in the church due to divorce, hey end up patching what is in-patchable, hence these stories like this.

    Most parents have not helped out also. There are some people destined not to marry, but due to societal pressure they will be forced to hook up with someone son or daughter, at the end of the day, they will frustrate life out of their spouse; because originally they were not wired for marital responsibility.

  3. Fear of what will people say has landed many in their graves.When it comes to domestic violence,seperate!!The convenant of life is more precious than the convenant of marriage!!!

  4. A family acquaintance has been married for years now with a kid,her husband sent them abroad to live due to constant fights, that way dey stay separated n not divorce. Dude is here changing babes n breaking hearts, of course madam over there won't be a saint. He is working his arse off and sending d money to them abroad, but so far he has time for sexcapdes, he doesn't mind. I wonder, for how long? When old age sets, he will say his wife abandoned him or will dey return or will he join them? Cos as long as she remain his first wife, wedded in court too, any other woman is wasting time coz when push comes to a shove, first wife will come down n take over.

  5. Domestic Violence is a capital no for anyone who values his/her life.
    Do not blame Adaeze. Her only sin was falling in love. Blame the judgemental society that sees divorce/seperation as a firing squad.

    1. You can blame society all you want at the end of the day we all have to take personal responsibility.

  6. A lady I know got married in December 2020, I think on the 28th or 31st, ending of December. I just called to check up on her and asked how married life was treating her, she didn't answer but talked around the issue and just asked after my welfare and the call ended. Today she posted something very disturbing on WhatsApp about women crying in their marriages. I just showed my husband that I don't know what to infer from it but could a 3 months plus marriage already be in trouble because the marriage isn't 4 months old.

    No marriage is perfect and couples have to adjust, be patient and tolerant but when things that would affect one's health negatively are happening, better to do a trial separation. Violence is a no no for me but some men will never beat their wives but the kind of emotional torture they subject their wives to is worse. So if he's beating you, being emotionally and sexual abusive (cheating with no protection) you have to think of yourself first.

    1. Really, so cheating with protection is allowed? How would you know if there is protection or not? Oh, I thought I have heard ot all!!

  7. Thank you for this. Your words are true

  8. What society? Who makes up the society, if not the individuals/persons in it? When fully developed adults learn to stand completely on their own two legs, as it were, society must adjust accordingly. Until then, keep blaming society.

  9. NG you write very well. I like the way you linked the DV situation to Nigeria . He who has an ear ,let him hear !

  10. This is a very sad story. Why must a woman remain in an abusive marriage? It beats me

  11. Adaeze's story is a sad one,wish she summoned courage to leave the marriage.
    If only the society will allow these women walk away if it is not working but no,they'll stigmatise these women,the church is not left out..preaching God hates divorce and forcing these women yo remain in a violent marriage and risking their lives.

  12. Ngoo I love this your article but you see we humans must learn to take responsibility for our actions I read that the Adaeze is a lawyer and her mother is also divorcee that she refused to leave the marriage because she didn't want people to feel it is a curse I don't know if it is true but at the end if we keep blaming the society what of the adult that refused to leave the marriage did they use superglue to gum her in the marriage I believe if we blame the society we should also blame the adult that refused to do the right thing

  13. O well!at least she died a 'Mrs' innit? You can imagine a lawyer well grounded on domestic laws allowed herself to be pummeled into the grave just cos she wanna please the society. Let's hope justice will serve its course & allow the man rot in jail.

    1. I attended the funeral of a 43 year old single lady. My dear you need to hear the words said under the canopy by guests and even her family members. They saw her as trash to be quickly disposed of. Many women in Nigeria would prefer to die as a Mrs. ooooo.

    2. 22.28 you are no different from the people you are castigating.

  14. Interesting. I see the satirical link to Nigeria. Atuoro omara O mara, Atuoro ofeke ofenye isi na ohia. Na who live dey tell story.

  15. Thumbs up Ngozi. Beautifully written.

  16. A very good writer!!!
    He's actually talking about the marriage of Hausa,Igbo and Yoruba.

  17. A very good writer!!!
    Ngozi is actually actually talking about the marriage of Hausa,Igbo,Yoruba and other ethnic groups.

  18. Wow! This was an interesting read.


Disclaimer: Comments And Opinions On Any Part Of This Website Are Opinions Of The Blog Commenters Or Anonymous Persons And They Do Not Represent The Opinion Of

Pictures and culled stories posted on this site are given credit and if a story is yours but credited to the wrong source,Please contact and corrections will be made..

If you have a complaint or a story,Please Contact Via
Mobile Phone +4915210724141