Stella Dimoko Korkus.com: CHRONICLES OF A MARRIED MAN – 35

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Sunday, July 25, 2021

CHRONICLES OF A MARRIED MAN – 35

Do women really want to hear the truth? 








If I were to tell my wife about the crazy stuff I did and even how I feel about certain things, can she stand it?

From my experience, the answer would be NO.

I had a little spat with my wife a couple of weeks ago. Eating “Banga” soup for me as an Urhobo man has always been a big deal. Over the years of being married, I have always been the one cooking all the soups at home with the exception of the Banga soup and stew; these are cooked by my wife. 

Recently I asked her to make Banga soup for me and made sure I got all the necessary ingredients and sea food for her to make sure I get the best quality.

When I tasted the result of what she cooked, I wasn’t impressed to say the least.

 When she asked me how the soup was, my response was: “It didn’t taste like the classic banga soup I used to eat”. That’s how the floodgate of ranting burst open.


 She was visibly angry and flew off the angle, she concluded her rants by saying “after all my efforts, this is all you could say. You don’t even know how to compliment or correct someone. Maybe you will have to go look for that woman that will be cooking classic banga soup for you”

I should have kept my lousy mouth shut. 


I have been eating this same type of soup cooked this way for almost a decade now. I have always “enjoyed” it anyhow it’s cooked and never complained. In short whatever she had cooked has always tasted “sweet” and good. 

To compensate for my love for Banga soup, I always make sure I visit those joints where I order the big pot of Banga soup whenever I am in Warri. You know that type that goes with the Dorime…Ameno song!

I should have known better because I learnt that lesson early in marriage. There’s always a thin line between correcting your wife’s behaviors or actions; and demoralizing her emotionally by your complaints and corrections. I have always crossed that line and sometimes I don’t seem to do it right. So, I have learnt to keep quiet and get on with the program.

Aside the cooking incident, I have learnt a couple of other areas where I have learnt and decided to talk and reveal less to my wife over the years. In some cases, I have done mental adjustment. In other, I have learnt to simply keep quiet and manage my opinion and emotions with myself. And that’s how I roll these days.


Let me share few of these areas with you this week besides the cooking and food area…

Firstly, comments about her looks. Answers to questions like “honey how do I look?” will always come out as “you look fabulous and beautiful!”. Anything short of that will mean me asking for trouble. 

Comments like “your tummy is getting bigger now, you need to watch your weight” is usually met with aggression; “is it not you that caused it, was this how I look when you married me?”. Last week when we were about to go out for a date night, I commented on her heavy make-up and advised she toned it down. Her response was “So, I shouldn’t make up abi?, so that you can start looking at those girls. You think I don’t see you look at them while you are driving?”. 


Baba just tire…

Secondly, my financial status. I often hear people talk about how open they are with their spouses about their finances. Time has thought me to keep quiet when it comes to the issue of money. My wife may have a rough estimate about how much I earn and about my sources of income but she will never know about how much I have or the details about how I spend it. 


You are welcome to disagree with me.

When my wife found out about how I give out monies to some of my friends and relatives all in a bid to help, her orientation changed. Whenever she asks for money and I say I don’t have, the next thing will be “if it is to dash people money, you will have”. To solve this problem, I make sure I settle her and my immediate family first and ensure I give her whenever she asks for money, even if I have to borrow. As for the other expenses, I keep my mouth shut. How do I explain that I gave money to a random person I met online…say I be father Christmas ni?


Thirdly, whatever happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas...

Before I got married, I have always loved visiting the strip clubs whenever I want to go wayward. Yes, I know…I will go to hell and burn. 

It was one of the bad habits I picked up when I relocated to Port Harcourt. So, naturally when I got married, I told my wife about it and she was curious to go with me as part of our regular hangouts. We went the first time and she liked it. But on the second visit, I took her to one of the “baddest” one in town. 

There were so many naked women around, especially the ones that harrass for a  lap dance. My wife lost the taste for it. She has never stopped reminding me about it and always accuses me of it whenever I come home late. 


These days, whatever happens in the coven is only meant for the witches and wizards.

Fourthly, telling her about your friends’ secrets and about their indiscretions. If my friends are having side chicks, it invariably means that I also have one too. My wife is my favorite gossip partner. But over the years I have learnt to filter the kind of stuff I tell her about my friends. When P was having the baby mama and DNA issue, my wife suspected that something was amiss. But I refused telling her because I know how she will react to it. I have come to realize that my wife will always see my friends based on the information I feed to her about them. Any information that will not “edify” her, she does not need to know.


Lastly, information about my extended family. How I deal with my parents, siblings and my extended family is my business. “See finish” is always at hand. The less she knows and less her involvement the better for her. When she was probing why I allowed my parents to get separated, I only told her what she needed to know and nothing more. My financial dealings with them are also off-limits to avoid unnecessary comparisons.

 Over time, she has also learnt to mind her business. Her home is her domain and nobody, not even my mother interferes with how she runs her business. So, the feeling is mutual. Make everybody dey their dey…

Let me pause here for now. E get why.


We go see next week…


Ciao!

69 comments:

  1. Waiting patiently for comments to roll in

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Mr writer, you described Marriage with women. You are point on..

      But this is not exclusive to women alone.. Men also react same way with their wives..

      Moral, filter what you share with your partner according to their personality traits.. No marriage is perfect.

      Delete
    2. very deep and educating. Thank you poster for the right up.

      Delete
    3. It all boils down to the type of partner you have!

      Everything you listed above is vice versa!

      If your wife tells you without filter after sex that your game is weak (which may be true); will you be happy? Ref: Banga soup

      If your wife takes you to her fantasy land before marriage where three men fuck her at the same time and she loves to make out with other girls; you may enjoy the fantasy of her making out with other girls initially till the day you see the DEEP connection she has with the girls and how passionate she is with the act more than what she has with you your eye will clear. I ask; will you like it after that discovery? Ref: strip club

      If your wife is rich and doesn't even contribute to the house or buy you as little as a birthday gift and you see her sharing 3million each to boys in her village to empower them; will you like it? Ref: finances

      If your wife gist you about her best friend's escapades in Dubai with big pay masters and sounds passionate about it like she admires the money the girl makes; what will be your next reaction? If she doesn't dump the girl , she's like her isn't it? Ref: friend's complain

      If your wife tell you her mum slept with 5 of her Dad's friends when they were young, will a part of you not feel *hope this olosho moves doesn't run in their blood*? Ref: talks about family.

      So you see, it goes both ways!

      The problem I have reading from you is that patriarchy is really DEEP in you! Like you grew with it and it's so normal for you that you always see it as speaking the truth because society normalized it.

      Sadly, you really may not change because Igbos say *adiro amuta aka ekpe na nka* = you don't learn how to use left hand in old age.

      Keep rolling with what you know. I pray God gives your wife wisdom to understand the type of man she married & also know how to reverse the above treatment you listed on you.

      Are you even in love with your wife?

      Delete
    4. @Anonymous 15: 24, God bless you immensely. You just spoke my thoughts all these while. Patriarchy is so ingrained in this poster that it will take Grace for mind reorientation. I truly feel for his better-half, if only she knows πŸ˜”. He's so morally bankrupt when it come to the tenet of marriage.

      Delete
    5. Anonymous 15.34 you have said it all.

      Delete
    6. Thank you Anon 15:24. The problem is that they raise girls well and leave boys to do as it pleases them in Africa.

      Delete
    7. Do women really want to hear the truth? Capital NO!
      Take the comments here as an example. Generally speaking, whenever women become the subject of an unfavourable but truthful narrative, women will generally drag men into it as well. This line of reasoning means one thing...we know it's horrible, but it's not just us, u guys too!
      'We heard you failed WAEC...well everyone in my class failed too' hehehe accountability is...

      Flip the table, and watch everyone bash men. U gals can't handle truth jare. Even the truth in this story, that isn't even 'ur' story, u gals cant handle.

      Do I look fat honey? Tell me the truth? Oga try tell her truth 1st make we see. A man asks you if he is muscular when he's skinny af, u tell him, life goes on.

      Delete
    8. Do men really want to hear the truth?

      Delete
    9. 15:24 you echoed my thoughts. The poster of this section is always biased against women. He is hardly balanced in his narratives and passes it off as if his life is the gold standard for marriage. Women are even more tolerant to what they hear and are told by their men, usually to keep their relationships and marriages. You see them going overboard doing the most in order to please their men so they don't look elsewhere. Whereas most men cannot stomach even a little bit of the truth they hear from or about their women. They ruminate over it to the point that they mostly can't stand it and cop out of the relationship. Either they stay away, ghost themselves or disappear, or send said women packing. Mtchew

      Delete
    10. Oga try and make amend, be open to your wife, its hard but start it gradually.

      Its always better to coach your wife at early stage of marriage like someone said "you don't learn how to use left hand in old age."
      What is God's purpose about marriage? No matter how smart a man is there must be a comma, every woman should look for that comma and fill it.

      @Poster, why not take your wife to that joint that sells classic banga soup perhaps she'd understand and improve. Correct her with love when the kids are sleeping, jokingly tell her to try lose weight for her good, walahi she will listen and appreciate.

      Thanks for the write-ups. Don't give room for devil/intruders and always pray.

      Delete
  2. Women wahala too much...I've come to the conclusion that marriage was designed just for the greater benefit of the women. Even if you end up loosing your life trying to cater for them, After 1 year max she would find another guy and the cycle of manipulation continues

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is a big lie OJ. Marriage have no manual because what work for A might not work for B.

      Delete
    2. sannu OJ Simpson, manipulation indeed

      Delete
    3. Lies. I've been widowed for almost 8 years now and I am yet to replace late hubby. Please do not generalise

      Delete
  3. You see that "I know I will go to hell and burn...?"
    That's an effrontery to the God who created you. Do you think hell fire is
    like anything you've seen here on earth?
    Listen, God is not sending you to hell, you choose it yourself by not
    accepting Jesus as you Lord and Savior from sin. It is not just going
    to strip clubs...
    But let me ask you a question, you that go to watch "so many naked women..." people's daughters?
    Will you like others to watch your own daughter go naked and perform to lascivious men like you?
    Think thoroughly on this question while you enjoy your banga soups.
    🀷‍♀️🀷‍♀️🀷‍♀️🀷‍♀️🀷‍♀️🀷‍♀️

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anon13:16

      If I may ask,

      Was it is fault that those ladies were tea bed properly by their parents but they refused to go in the way they were brought up

      Delete
    2. @Mc Pinky
      That is why "a person reaps what he/she sows..." Gal. 6:7
      So he too might bring up his daughters properly and they veer off, right?
      REpentance is the key to unlocking his and wife's freedoms.

      Delete
  4. So what do you discuss with your wife na? Politics? The weather? SDK blog visitors? Abeg tell us.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Funny...get it straight,,it is wrong for aan to reveal all about his family to his wife and also about his friends.

      U guys can discuss funny things about them but not hidden things that can cause wahala

      Delete
  5. πŸ€£πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ€£I can relate ooo. I used to be like your wife but I soon realized my husband started hoarding gist, I quickly borrowed sense now I stopped over reacting.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. E mi ni lawyer25 July 2021 at 18:40

      God bless you Elegant.... I was thinking I was the only one who thought his wife was overreacting. His wife should be his best friend, but cause of her reactions he cant share freely with her anymore. Marriage is really work...

      Delete
  6. So, since you and your wife are now strip clubbers that fight over banga soup taste, let me
    support you both with two baskets 🧺🧺, one for dishing your banga soup.
    And the second one for a ride you your strip clubs.
    What a degradation of womanhood, a blatant display of apostacy and a nonchalant show of shame! 🧺🧺🧺🧺🧺

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So u are the basket sharer they have been talking about

      Delete
  7. You and ur wife are in some sort of weird relationship.

    ReplyDelete
  8. "Yes I know I will go to hell and burn got me laughing, we women are always like that.

    ReplyDelete
  9. You just summarized my life right here.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Eyah... I think with time marriage sometimes become mundane. I may be wrong ooo.


      Lovelace

      Delete
  10. You have said it all.

    But as for the finances, well, to me,it all depends on the kinda woman u have as a wife. If for example,you have a woman who cannot manage resources or she is the kinda woman that love going to party(Slay unnecessarily), such women can mismanage funds and the only way to cut down their expenses is by God ng ur finances from such woman.

    But a woman who cut cost and also love to improve the family standard of living, either buy having properties or making sure every kobo increases through the means of venturing into something profitable, then it's cool having her into ur finances

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Like my own husband said he don't me to know how much he makes, when I was not working I called him for us to have a joint account oga said no, am good at saving, but he knows how to spend money unnecessary, so when I starting working oga over night said joint account I politely told him no, and that helps me a lot. Please some men spend money anyhow.

      Delete
  11. I understand what I read but I don't understand what I read πŸ˜†πŸ˜†πŸ˜†πŸ˜†...I LOVE YOU jawe, I swear to live with a woman you need to applied WISDOM! All the MEN that will read THIS chronicle today shey una don see (undited and infilter) advice from your fellow man? If you like come and write chronicle tomorrow and talk say you don't UNDERSTAND your wife! πŸ™„ what happened in VEGAS stay in VEGAS! Know what to tell YOUR wife/girlfriends and what to keep to yourself! Don't be too talkative! It is for YOUR own GOOD. Some ladies judge the book by the cover! Whatever you tell them will be use against YOU! It might not be now but definitely in the future! Keep your friends SECRET to yourself and tell us the one we need to know! FEAR WOMAN!!! IRE OOO 😎

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Some men use what you told against as well.

      Delete
  12. I love reading from you. It sounds hash but very educating. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Amarachi with C25 July 2021 at 13:44

    You are with telling her about your friends. I guess l am on the same table with her.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Lmao. Na wa for the woman. All she wants are positive comments. Ok o

    ReplyDelete
  15. You have to tell her everything although we women get am for body

    ReplyDelete
  16. Lol @Baba just tire..
    This married man na OG..
    The mistake many people make in relationship is judging and throwing tantrums when one party keeps it real to the teeth, you'll only end up making the person hide vital information from you. E no easy, but when you focus on the bigger picture, making the sacrifice gets easier..
    Everything requires wisdom..

    ReplyDelete
  17. This man is saying his truth. Nigerians are quick to judge people. Him going to the strip club was what he picked while single. I don’t think he is into that again. I am a woman and I have notice that it is this same attitude that has made men hide so much from us. Welcome people with open arms. Let your husband understand that it’s ok to make mistakes. So long as he confesses his sins to God and to you, forgive and move to the next stage. Let the devil know that you have no time wasting in things that should not move you. Before I found Christ, there where some nasty things I did too. So pls let us be kind with our words. It was his choice to share his story. Poster I pray your wife becomes better so that you can be comfortable telling her stuff. A lot of men are in this mess and that is why they end up confiding in their close female friends. Pls folks learn to read everything and don’t pick and choose from a story. It’s not only banga soup and strip club he mentioned nah chai.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 14:45, I totally agree with you. I read his post but refrain from commenting because of the harsh comments from visitors. Its always good to read and assimilate things with an open mind. Person no dey learn finish.

      Married man I like today's article you damned the comments and poured your inner thoughts. A good writer should not be stifled but encouraged to construct better. E no easy to write. Thumbs up...


      Lovelace

      Delete
    2. 14:15, I totally agree with you. I read his post but refrain from commenting because of the harsh comments from visitors. Its always good to read and assimilate things with an open mind. Person no dey learn finish.

      Married man I like today's article you damned the comments and poured your inner thoughts. A good writer should not be stifled but encouraged to construct better. E no easy to write. Thumbs up...


      Lovelace

      Delete
  18. I think you need to step up and let your wife know that she is overreacting to things.

    I can't call you my best paddy and you can't be free to tell me stuff, especially that part about weight gain and dressing.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Women can never be satisfied.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No human being can be satisfied,no carry gender put😜😜😜

      Delete
  20. This one na marriage abi? Toh I wonder what you guys do then when together since she's against everything.

    ReplyDelete
  21. The couple don't share the same passion or values. It seems he married a good girl then took her to the strip club. Y didn't you marry the ones u meet in the strip club so she she will get there early and keep chair for you?. Sorry,this marriage is just basic Nigerian ngwo ngwo marriage. Not worth talking about and nothing to learn.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Time has thought me...

    *taught

    ReplyDelete
  23. I'm a woman and I'm doing exactly like you in my marriage and there is peace. I tell you the things that are necessary for you to know and the others? I forget they ever happened. I don't expect you to tell me all too and we are good. This prevents see finish in the long run.

    ReplyDelete
  24. As a guy, I can somewhat relate to some of what he said. Lemme start with finances. It is 'dey your dey'. I settle the bills at onset and as they arrive and that's it. I've learnt to realise women are 'one kain' with finances as when, in the past I complain to friends and older ones, it's the same experiences they've all had. Most men don't trust women's RESPONSE to issues of finance.
    For the looks and food, it depends. If you don't look good, you'll know from my response. Why lie? I'll tell you my opinion, it's left to you to adjust our not. For meals tho, I appreciate the effort and am also not a foodie, so except it's especially nice or bleh, it's same 'okay/good' response.
    I try to maintain an all card on the table style especially in things that are important like sex. No fakery, no 'lemme try just to please you'. I'll rather have no sex than unsatisfactory sex besides, who you do but yourself in the long run.
    However, like the poster said, a lot of things have/are now being left unsaid just cos ' you don't want wahala'. This not wanting wahala is the reason a lot of guys would rather bite their tongues and manage than express how they truly feel. Funny thing is, the women will notice and typically respond in kind and at the end, we have the kind of marriages prevalent today where the guy is a Funnel at Home but a basket outside with friends.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Continuous improvement in every aspect of our life is what we owe to ourselves. This includes communication. I think accepting feeback is not a gender issue. It is general. Some men would act like your wife if they have issues with feedbacks. I am married for 10 years and I can tell you that I practically taught my spouse how to process feedbacks. He used to find negative feedbacks insulting and embarrassing until after a while. I grew up in the midst of guys, i behave more like a guy than a lady but my spouse is the opposite. Not everyone likes to hear the truth regardless of their gender.I have gotten so many hurtful feedbacks in the past and managed it maturely. The side effect is that people that are open to recieving and managing negative feedbacks would usually expect the next person to be like them . We are different. It is what it is.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Continuous improvement in every aspect of our life is what we owe to ourselves. This includes communication. I think accepting feeback is not a gender issue. It is general. Some men would act like your wife if they have issues with feedbacks. I am married for 10 years and I can tell you that I practically taught my spouse how to process feedbacks. He used to find negative feedbacks insulting and embarrassing until after a while. I grew up in the midst of guys, i behave more like a guy than a lady but my spouse is the opposite. Not everyone likes to hear the truth regardless of their gender.I have gotten so many hurtful feedbacks in the past and managed it maturely. The side effect is that people that are open to recieving and managing negative feedbacks would usually expect the next person to be like them . We are different. It is what it is.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hope you don't mind this minor correction, it's feedback, just like staff.
      Cheers

      Delete
  27. I always look forward to reading your write ups, Kudos to you for being so real. I would have said this and that if I had read this last week but incidents in the last few days have shown that we are in the same boat.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Hoard some gist, not everyone is open minded.

    ReplyDelete
  29. This is my man. He will tell me ho ha. Its on a need to know basis. I just tire. E no even dey answer me

    ReplyDelete
  30. Thank you for this post, tabled this topic before my man, got some revelations tonight.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Lovely write up Married man. Bottom line, filter what you share with your spouse.

    ReplyDelete
  32. You have brought out your wife in a bad light, I don't like this

    ReplyDelete
  33. Marriage has no manual. Do what works for you! If you must tell all, make sure you're telling the truth. I would rather not tell all than feed my spouse with lies.

    ReplyDelete
  34. 1. Banga Soup - wife, pay someone to cook the type he likes. (problem solved)

    2, strip club - husband & wife please, repent and refrain from such moral depravity

    3. Response to feedback - wife, accept facts and improve. Don't be overly sensitive.

    4. Friends' Secrets - husband keep your friends' secret secret! They are not for you and your wife to dissect.

    5. Each partner's family - husband and wife respect boundaries. Don't expose the vulnerabilities of your parents and siblings to your spouse.

    6. Finances - husband and wife, decide how to handle your homefront (percentage contributions) . Husband provide, wife support. Then, each can do their own charity without undue interfernce from the other

    7. In-laws - Each partner foot your own parents/siblings' bills, it's more dignifying. (Wives take note)

    8.Confiding in your wife - husband be honest with your wife but DIPLOMATIC if she's unreasonable.


    Poster, you aptly described most of the traits in my fellow women in this post.

    Most women do not want their husbands to financially assist their siblings, friends or anyone else yet the same women would grovel to get monetary help when life is no longer rosy. 🀷‍♀️🀷‍♀️🀷‍♀️

    ReplyDelete
  35. The same wife that spoilt the chance of another lady because she's mature and exposed? Not surprised at all.

    If you had kept that your friend's private life from her, maybe it would have worked out between the lady and your friend.

    ReplyDelete

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