Stella Dimoko Dr Freaks Journal - Lawyers Versus Touts


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Thursday, August 05, 2021

Dr Freaks Journal - Lawyers Versus Touts

A legal practitioner accompanied policemen to a location to levy execution, and same went south

I saw a while back and I was moved to tears by the sight. A legal practitioner accompanied policemen to a location to levy execution, and same went south. The poor lad was slammed in a manner reminiscent of WWE.

For me, it was processed with mixed feelings. One, I will never accompany any court sheriff to levy execution. Never! Maybe because I have paid my dues, the hard way; and learnt the ropes.

Two, the person in that video could have been me (God forbid sha) or any other legal practitioner. Injustice to one is injustice to all. Solidarity "thingz".

Let me give my learned friends vital tips here....

Please, on no account must "overzealousness" lead or push you to any location to supervise or monitor execution. However, you may dare if you have thugs on your payroll, permanently. Since I do not have an army of thugs, or even one, I will forever respect myself and protect my life, sanctity and sanity, most importantly.
I empathize with him though. That's one of the hazards of the job Boy! "You think say lawyer work na bread and butter?"


In an unrelated event, in 2007, I had cause to attend the funeral of someone who was so dear to me at Atan Cemetery, Yaba-Lagos. As a new wig then, it was "fashionable" to move around in my lawyer's jacket and stripped trouser (court dress) and the collar (without the bib though). 

The whole world must know that I'm a "legal luminary" now. Hahaha. 

We've all done this and that, so do not be quick to judge.

 It was a painful loss and we were all in a sober mood. The funeral went as planned and everything was running smoothly until a close friend's car inadvertently ran into one of the newly erected tombs. I think the break failed and he lost control of the vehicle, an official vehicle at that. Double jeopardy.

The driver alighted and appealed to the site workers. Everything was fine until they started being unreasonable. They elected to make unrealistic demands,huge sum of money and a live goat, etc. At that point, negotiation broke down irretrievably and my team made the greatest blunder, by attempting to join issues with those touts in their territory. 

Chai! It was a grave error! 

These "principalities" went berserk, ran amok, sped towards the gate, instructed those "Babas" to lock the gate and returned to pounce on my guys! 

Omo! See beating! Do you know my saving grace? The "court dress" that I was wearing! One attempted to strike me, but I think another one advised him against the move. 

He was like "lawyer ni were yen ma f'owo kan oh" (meaning spare that one, he is a lawyer". The "Thee" which lawyers pray to was on my side (our little secret). I was damn lucky! Imagine their hands on my little head or tiny neck! All those hands that they use to pack bones from the graves that they resell (graves) over and over. (A gist for another day.)

Looking back now, I can only testify to the goodness of God oh. "Those cemetery touts for don panel beat my head plus face."

Its Kunle


  1. "lawyer ni were yen ma f'owo kan oh" 不不不不不

  2. Nice story.
    But I think the term " Double jeopardy " doesn't fit into what you wrote. But pls, correct and enlighten me if I am wrong.
    Overall, I love your write ups. Bravo!

    1. The driver rammed into a newly erected tomb(first wahala) & has a damaged official car to fix(second wahala). This is what they call double wahala for ‘deadi’ bodi & the owner of..., hope you can see the double jeopardy our lawyer referred to now

    2. Definition of double jeopardy:

      1: the putting of a person on trial for an offense for which he or she has previously been put on trial under a valid charge: two adjudications for one offense; or

      2: considerable danger or trouble from two sources.

      Source: Merriam-Webster Dictionary

    3. @Save Haven, I agree with you 100%. Thanks for the analysis.

  3. Hahaha. Thank God for your life that day my brother.

  4. thank God for you.

    Early this year a former 'toaster' now married man called me to come bail him from the police station, Ha! Ogini? Make I gist una:

    The previous week he asked his neighbor to arrange babe for him as he's always seeing the said neighbor (who's also a married man o) with different babes and 'admired' him.
    Mr neighbor brought one fat old mama for my married friend(his exact words o, not mine),that night they went flexing; they actually went to 4 different joints and my married friend spend about 55k. On their way home, my married friend asked the neighbor 'how far? We go do check and balance later o, you gats refund me small money from wetin I spend today' Mr neighbor said no wahala, we go talk later. The said later lasted for about 3 weeks as Mr neighbor kept avoiding my married friend.

    Finally, finally my married friend caught Mr neighbor around their street, held his shirt and said he must refund his money that night or else one of them go reach heaven.
    People gather, bottle break shirt tear etc. Anyway, at the end some elderly men settled them and everyone went home.

    Next day, my married friend got a call from the police station that he should come for 'questioning' he begin fear, called me that I should accompany him, I told him I was busy at the office, but he should go, if things get serious he should call me.

    After about 4 hours, he called me say things don dey serious o, I went to station, see Mr neighbor with his own lawyer sitting. We begin talk matter, neighbor's lawyer kept shouting that his client was assaulted, almost killed, blah blah blah (normal lawyer rant) that he must file criminal charges against my friend blah blah blah. I said counsel this is a simple case we can settle here why file a frivolous lawsuit, haaaa lawyer vex, charge say I came to speak big grammar for him blah blah. 丹 Wo! I didn't go to law school to come and embarrass myself over silly cases like this abeg.

    Finally, lawyer stated his demands: my friend/client will have to pay his client for 'damages' as he tore his expensive shirt the previous night, threatened him with a bottle, spoilt his expensive wrist watch etc. Then my friend/client will also pay his legal fees and transport fare, at this point I burst laugh
    Like I was embarrassed on his behalf.

    Anyway, we settled Sha but my friend/client didn't pay oga lawyer a dime, I made sure of it. I told Mr neighbor to go and settle his own lawyer as na him bring am come.

    Let me state clearly that these men are married, my friend/client an igbo business man has 5 kids, Mr neighbor, a Yoruba man has 3 kids.

    1. Sandra thank you for the jist. I hope you advised your friend to be of good character moving forward?

    2. How I wish their wives will hear about it

  5. OMG不不不 I’m sure non of those that received doses of panel beatings finds these tales funny. Thanks Lawyer Kunle, your write ups are ever interesting. You see touts, hmmmm na to avoid dem ooo, speaking english to dem no dey work. Infact the thing dey always infuriate them becos dem no sabi half of your speech, so they result to use their in return不

    1. You are right, when engaging touts, just come down to their level, speaking brighter grammar no de work.

    2. Don't come down to their level

      Just face your front

      Before they drag you dirty

  6. I will still get this law degree one day, one day.

  7. You see that execution of judgement...I no do Biko.

  8. 不不不不不so funny.God saved you

  9. Praised the Lord on behalf of Kunle. You were very lucky

  10. Lagos tout are something else. I miss Marwa who dealt with them.


  11. ..more ink to your pen Mr Kunle

  12. barrister this reminds me of the video of Mr macaroni I watched yesterday 不

  13. See me laughing in the office like someone they pin for wallet do her something


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