Stella Dimoko Korkus.com: CHRONICLES OF A MARRIED MAN – 48

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Sunday, October 24, 2021

CHRONICLES OF A MARRIED MAN – 48

“A man who loves his wife does not have a family” 








Earlier in the year, I got a call from my mother complaining about my brother’s wife. It was about how she treated her when she went for their child’s dedication in another state. 


After listening to her story, I did a couple of “eyas” and told her to forgive her and forget about it. “She is a small girl and you know how you women behave; when you get home just cook a good meal to eat and take good care of yourself”, I told her.

After the call, I heaved a long sigh and thought to myself “in-law wahala nor dey finish”.

If you have been married long enough, you would have found out that, there will always be issues between in-laws: Mother/daughter-law, husband/parents-in-law , husband and wife siblings, and so on. The people that have fared better are the ones understand how to play the game of “in-law politics” as I would always like to call it

As if living with one person for the rest of your life is not hard enough. Add in-laws to the mix and it becomes a different ball game altogether. Sadly, some people have been suffering the bitter side of the issue and it is never going to end. People will always have one complaint or the other about how they were or are being treated by their in-laws. 

Sometimes the worst affected are the wives who never see eye to eye with their mother in-laws.

Looking back at the case of my brother, I actually learnt a couple of lessons which have further re-enforced my approach to this in-law issue. I will just go straight to the point on some of the lessons and attitude I have adopted in coping and playing the in-law politics over the years.

This is going to be in two folds: looking at it from the men’s point of view and also the women. Let’s start with the men.

Firstly, being the head of the house as a man doesn’t just end in providing financial support, siring children and other masculine roles. It also comes with the additional burden of protecting your wife from external interference like your family members. 

Most men have left their wives at the mercy of their parents, siblings and other relatives, others will run to report their wives to their family whenever they have issues knowingly fully well that families will always take sides no matter the issue.

In other cases, some men have not been able to get the needed independence after getting married and still cling to their parents’ apron strings. As long as you have brought the woman to your family as a wife, it is your duty to ensure that she is accepted by your family no matter what.

Sometimes it is not even about the woman having a bad character in the first place. As long as you married her and kept her all these years. If you can survive her bad character, it is also in your place to advise your family members to adjust too.

Secondly, always support your wife when issues arise. You can never do away with family, they will always be there. You can always figure out a way to reconcile with your family. But when you lose the trust and support of a good woman, it is always difficult to get it back. Besides you have known your family all your life and will always find a better way of dealing with them.


When my mother had the issue with my brother’s wife, my brother took sides with his wife and never even scolded her that instant. He made her feel that she was in her home and she will always have his support. But few months later, he took his whole family down to Warri in the guise of “visiting” my mum. Then he apologized to my mum and tried to broker peace between them.

Whenever my parents complain to me about one bad thing or the other about my wife. I always tell them to forget about it and most times tell them to just ignore her. They have adapted over the years and learnt to manage her the way she is.

Now to the women…

Firstly, always go into marriage with an open mind. Most times women go into marriages with the mind set of either trying to please the man’s family or in other cases with antagonistic minds from their previous experiences. The simple truth is that YOU CAN NEVER PLEASE YOUR IN-LAWS, NEVER!

It will be dumb to think that all your actions will always be pleasing to your husband’s family. They won’t! 

Stop trying too hard. Women should learn to be themselves in marriages. Also stop with the pretending, your true nature will eventually seep out like a terrible fart. If you want to be the bad wife, be it by all means. As long as your husband is fine with you, that’s what matters.

I am not advising women to become unruly or become “bitches” to their in-laws. Just be yourself. That’s all. They will eventually come around to like you for who you are if your intentions are good.

Secondly, women need to stop all these rubbish “claiming”. If you don’t know how to cook or how to do chores, or how to take care of babies or have any deficiency for that matter; say it and seek help. Stop all these nonsenses of “wife not cook”, “I’m not your slave”, “I can cook but don’t like cooking”, “we need a nanny” and other bullshit some of you use to support bad behaviour. 

Lots of women take some terrible attitudes into marriage and expect everyone to accept them for who they are.

Lots of men come from culturally grounded families that will not take such rubbish from any woman. Some families will frustrate such women out of the marriage.


 No family is wicked. They still have daughters that will also be married off to other families. No normal loving family will want to treat their son’s wife badly. Lots of women need to check themselves before complaining about their in-laws. Do away with your bad attitudes.

Thirdly, always know your place in your husband’s family. Don’t interfere in their family issues. If they treat your husband like “tata” or “houseboy”, it’s not you battle to fight. Also don’t go fighting family battles for your husband. You will lose at the end of the day. 


He cannot do away with his family. If they don’t call you, don’t go; if they don’t ask you, don’t talk; if it is not happening in your house, it is none of your business. If you are the one feeding your husband and taking care of his bills, that yours and your husband's business.

As long as nobody is coming to your house to give you issues, mind your business. Even if they come to your house to give you problems; leave your husband to do the “dirty job” of chasing them away. If he doesn’t, make sure the house is uncomfortable for him until he does something. Don’t bother fighting with your in-laws...yes, it is possible.

This matter long, but my writing space is short. We will continue this story some other time. I will leave with the wise words of my mother “A man who loves his wife does not have a family” if you know what I mean.

E go be!

Ciao!

35 comments:

  1. Your experiences aren't the same with others; do not make that costly assumptions.
    I have been married for more than 12 years and I have never quarreled with my husband.
    I do not find it "hard to live with him" and vice versa. I have never had any problem with my MIL, BIL OR SILs.
    We are all believers in Christ and
    we get along well. Hate can deny someone of heaven if you read only the Sermon on the Mount, you will
    know that.
    Two days ago, I was with my mother in law on the phone and she shared a testimony of her miraculous healing and recovery from an illness, we
    praised God and shared Scriptures.
    Even when believers in Christ for any reason get angry, we know that the Scripture in Eph. 4:26 tells us to
    not let the sun go down while we are still angry. In other words, you dialogue and resolve the matter before you go to bed.
    It takes disciplining the flesh through fasting, the Word of God and prayers to achieve that.
    So dear Ciao, do no think that every Christian live in the mire that you and your friend swim in like you tell us in your stories.
    Trust in the Lord with all your strength and lean not on your own understanding. 😐😐😐😐

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Please try to read and understand.
      He didn't say everyone has the same issues. Why do you like showing off as the holiest person on this blog???
      Several people learnt a lot from this write-up including myself.
      We understand the your life is PERFECT AND HOLY.
      You don't have to read it, you can jump and pass.
      You are too judgemental like the Pharisees!!!

      Delete
    2. Anon 13:10, you must not comment.
      If you didn't learn anything, move on to the next post, or better still stick to reading only the BIBLE!!!

      Delete
    3. Really, so when did you ladies begin to censor what and who comments on this blog? Her opinions are hers, state yours and move.
      Not everybody will swallow all the ciao spews weekly.

      Delete
    4. Be calming down. There is no where, where he stated that this is so in every family. Stop trying to judge every post he makes. Learn from it and move on. That your life is perfect doesnt mean others are not doing something right with their lives.

      Delete
    5. As usual. Holier than d Pope.

      Delete
    6. I know you must surely counter what he wrote today as usual

      Delete
    7. @Olomo
      Did she say that her life is perfect and that other people's lives aren't perfect? Or did we read different comment?

      Delete
    8. Anon 13:10 you are extremely annoying truly! Seems you always just wait to comment rather than read to understand

      Delete
    9. Anonymous 13;10 big lie....for 12years you have been married you have never quarrelled or disagree with your husband....big lie madam perfect...teeth and tongue are in the mouth and yet at times the teeth will mistakenly bite the tongue...even siblings with same up bringing do quarrel. My elder sister and me we are so close...even our husbands don tire for our friendship,,even our mum dey tire for us...but we still quarrel and settle...and if truly you have been married to your spouse for 12yrs no quarrel then someone is good at pretending...you guys are not true to each other..or their is no communication...one person is just saying ok...yes...I accept for peace to reign...I have a good marriage but we still quarrel and settle...he gets me upset by some of his attitude and I also get him upset too...

      Delete
    10. Dear poster, you sound so enlightened and you're so right. You can never ever please your in-laws no matter what they do. The only time dey pretend to love you is if your husband is treating you badly. That's pity love. They would be like 'eyah' nice girl ooo. Please I would like you to do a chronicle on decent dressing..do men marry women based on how they dress or how they present themselves outside?

      Delete
    11. 16.54 is replying herself 13.10 😁

      Delete
    12. Sdk, abeg release my comment na 🙂

      Delete
  2. Watch them argue over this for the sake of it.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks for this.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I've picked some really salient points.
    There are people that will never like you even if you kill yourself. Know this and know peace

    Don't go into a marriage with the mindset to fight

    ReplyDelete
  5. You said it all. This is a perfect piece.

    I always says, a man who cant protect his wife from family members should not marry. Women should also try to be themselves, respect those who deserve it and stay in their lane. Deal with anyone who passes his or her boundary but only with the support of your spouse.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm sharing this to my WhatsApp number for future reference. Your piece is the truth.

    Always be yourself. Stop trying too hard. 📌📌

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hahaha this write up is still biased. Read up again and see how you made light of the situation for the male folks but wrote an epistle regarding the women. Read a chronicle some days back where the MAN entered the marriage with a HUMONGOUS MINDSET. So it’s not only the women. It would be nice if you can have a sit down with your sister(s) and mum on how things are in the families they married into, that way, your write ups will be balanced. In all, I still took learnings from here, Thank Sir 🙌🏽.

    ReplyDelete
  8. But the part where you talked allow hubby to always be boy boy in the family tire me

    ReplyDelete
  9. My mother-in-law and her children showed me pepper in my own homeooo, not even in their family house, she even lived with me and my husband for complete nine years and some months before going back to the village but I left everything to God, was it the shakara she was doing with her grandchild who she carry come to stay because I am childless, or the taking over of my home or even the cold war she fought me, where do I begin, story plenty abeg, but with God by my side, my husband's protections some times when he came back to his senses and my own diplomacy, I was able to regained back my home. Story dey plenty but I thank God for he has given me victory

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow,9 years? Thanks be to God for your victory.
      Tonia

      Delete
  10. Last few paragraphs, do not meddle in your husband's family issues, do not fight his battles with them, don't ever meddle, mind your business ..face front, face your home. Wise advice, very aptly said.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Thank you for this as always

    ReplyDelete
  12. She came to live with me and my husband in April 2006 and finally left in August 2016, It's 10 years and some months not even 9 years as I wrote in my first comment

    ReplyDelete
  13. Dear Writer,
    I believe your write up was more predicated on your personal experience and to an extent the experiences you have witnessed or the ones shared by others. One thing about writing is that there's always an underlying "writers perception syndrome" to sell their idea or justify the position they take on the message they are trying to pass across.
    Except your argument is psychologically wrapped with philosophy and logic, it remains a personal position not generic.

    To say there are no bad in laws, daughters or sons in law is the height of hypocrisy. Because it's common knowledge that humans are wicked to humanity. While your write up does always make sense, it's weaved with masculine sentiments that goes to confirm that the society actually thinks less of the women and more of the men.
    It's good to protect ones wife from abusive family contraptions and for the women to have better openness in the way they see in-laws like you pointed out. But its better we allow people thrive by respecting their space, and living within boundaries, unions would be the better for it.

    There are good views to pick your from your write up like every other write up. So I choose to go with the lessons from this, than criticise the whole write up.
    Thanks for sharing from your many experiences.

    ReplyDelete
  14. God's masterpiece24 October 2021 at 21:48

    Nice write-up !!!
    Learnt one or 2 things

    ReplyDelete

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