Hmmm.....
STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
URGENT ADVICE NEEDED
Hello Madam Stella,
I’m a lady in my early 20s. I just need advise on how best to manage the situation I’m in.
I really love the things of God and I have always prayed to be with someone that shares the same faith with me, so it’s easy blending in and we don’t get to have any disparity on beliefs.
Hello Madam Stella,
I’m a lady in my early 20s. I just need advise on how best to manage the situation I’m in.
I really love the things of God and I have always prayed to be with someone that shares the same faith with me, so it’s easy blending in and we don’t get to have any disparity on beliefs.
GUY A, He is an Ex. a catholic, young but matured, calm and soft spoken, likes to walk in his pace. We Çlash most of the time on this, as I want someone that pushes for the best for a secure future Since he is going to definitely be the head of the home.
I am not laid back, I juggle business and career.
I know we can’t be same personality but sometimes I need someone who pushes me too.
When we get to have some other issues, he handles maturely. I really dig this.
GUY B, a Pentecostal, young but emotional, amazing in his own way, supports me in every way, pushes me to be the best in everything, shares ideas with me which helped me in my career growth, When I’m down spiritually, he motivates me to keep on.
But we most times clash on the way he handles things, when we get to have issues, he just vents out and in the process, says hurtful words which hurts deeply and each time this happens I sometimes remember my ex.
I know it’s not healthy as I love Guy B but I can’t stand verbal exchanges. I’m more of retreating then communicate softly.
Sometimes, he apologizes but really it fears me when I think of the future when we eventually get married. I tell him how I feel and things returns back to normal way stronger and better.
But when it ever happens, it feels Like I should run back to my EX or just take a walk but Mehn it’s hard letting go.
I’m quite confused.
I always pray about being with the right man.
I really want to hear views on how to handle this based on experience.
Thank you.
I am not laid back, I juggle business and career.
I know we can’t be same personality but sometimes I need someone who pushes me too.
When we get to have some other issues, he handles maturely. I really dig this.
GUY B, a Pentecostal, young but emotional, amazing in his own way, supports me in every way, pushes me to be the best in everything, shares ideas with me which helped me in my career growth, When I’m down spiritually, he motivates me to keep on.
But we most times clash on the way he handles things, when we get to have issues, he just vents out and in the process, says hurtful words which hurts deeply and each time this happens I sometimes remember my ex.
I know it’s not healthy as I love Guy B but I can’t stand verbal exchanges. I’m more of retreating then communicate softly.
Sometimes, he apologizes but really it fears me when I think of the future when we eventually get married. I tell him how I feel and things returns back to normal way stronger and better.
But when it ever happens, it feels Like I should run back to my EX or just take a walk but Mehn it’s hard letting go.
I’m quite confused.
I always pray about being with the right man.
I really want to hear views on how to handle this based on experience.
Thank you.
*Has it occurred to you that your ex and your present boyfriends dont belong in your future? I read through and cant seem to fit them into your personality...
You are still quite young so dont rush into anything please....
Slow down, you all have issues, ye need to grow up first, I'm guessing those guys are in their twenties too.
ReplyDeleteSorry MA, non is perfect, they come in the way they are made, some are emotional, forceful, achieving and impatient, outspoken to a fault, cant keep down how hurt they are but cool off easily.
DeleteThe other not emotional, calm, cool, can keep things down and deep (note I said deep, they may not forgive easily). Not moved to achieve things so quickly, will not meet your taste in quest for wealth. Slowly but surely, a day a time, so pick as suites you.
Will you go with the one who can feed you but be ready for his emotion to get the better of him when annoyed, but cools off just as it started. OR you manage the table outcome, go gentle in life, dont easily get provoked but may not forgive you easily. YOU ALONE CAN UNDERSTAND YOURSELF AND WHAT YOU CAN TAKE, FOR SOMEONE LIKE YOU, WHO HURTS EASILY AND CANT LET GO QUICKLY, "A" IS A MORE LIKELY OPTION HENCE YOU ALWAYS FEEL LIKE GOING BACK. WHY NOT PUSH HIM AND STOP COMPARING HIM TO OTHERS.
Poster, you can't find all the qualities you want in one man. Take your time and don't rush like someone under pressure. You're still young and the right somebody's son will find you soon as long as you put yourself in a position to be found
ReplyDeleteI am Catholic but unfortunately, my Catholic brother won't make you happy.
DeleteRead about Temperaments, you will find that the worst life partner for a CHOLERIC like you is a PHLEGMATIC. You can not motivate him beyond his routine and it will frustrate you till you hate him.
Guy 2...hmm. You remind me of me. I had always been a strong believer that a couple can live all their life without quarrels. I believe they can disagree respectfully without throwing angry words. I couldn't bring myself to accept it when people say quarrels and fights are normal in a marriage. So, it became a RED flag for me in courtship.
Now, my dear, the sweetest choice you can make in marriage is to marry someone with the closest personality similarities with you. Don't let opposite attract you. Be patient. I promise you, the man of your fantasy exist! I say this because that is my experience. When you find him, you won't write chronicles and you will know it because it will be worth it.
Ms sapphire...... you're so on point with the last paragraph.
DeleteThe 2 guys no fit you, no kee yourself u hia. Discharge them and be focus to God, the right man will come.
DeleteYou're catholic??? How come you support abortion and other societal ills most times Ms S?
DeleteDo you want us to tell you who to choose or what? If yes then go with B or possibly steer clear from the both of them
ReplyDeleteNo one has it all. Look into the mirror and tell yourself the truth. Amongst the two.. who gives you peace of mind. Go for that person. No one has all the personalities we need in a husband. We are all work in progress. Seek who gives you peace and above all who knows God geniniuely.
ReplyDeleteI will go anonymous and tell you in my deepest honesty that I got ALL I ask and fantasized about in my husband. It's 8years and I am still wondering if he could be pretending. I can't believe it sometimes.
DeleteNo need to anonymous Anon 18:09. Speak your truth. I thought you were actually me. I got all I ever wanted in Le boo. We were 8 years back in October and no trouble AT ALL.
DeleteGod gave me exactly what I asked for. # gratefulheart
Stella has said my mind!! And please you must not always agree 100% with your intending partner...You both are from different background, personalities and upbringing....Because you do things in a certain way does not mean that you are right...When you have argument or disagreement, it is to understand yourselves better...I will suggest I will pick Guy A based on what you described up there....You can't say you have prayed and you are still confused....I believe you are looking for fleeces on whom to choose....Your spirit man is loud and noisy so you may not hear God's still small voice or you have 'built up idols' in your heart....
ReplyDeleteMy dear you are a young lady;keep calm...The love that you seek will find you..Don't be desperate...There are always these 3 convictions you have when you meet your God given man (1) Peace (2) Inner Witness (3) Indescribable Joy....Make friends with the male folks so you have a good understanding about how men behave, enjoy your singlehood, read a book, hang out with your girls, engage in church/social clubs....Love most times finds you when you ain't looking for it.. All the best...
I read something somewhere that said "Relationships should bring you peace, respect and the ability to be yourself totally"
ReplyDeleteWork with it. Goodluck
Just relax, your man will come
ReplyDeleteMust you choose between the two?
ReplyDeleteMy dear, I tire. Both are obviously deal breakers for poster. Keep searching poster, you never see husband yet
Delete"Likes to walk in his space" This is who he is , changing him may be counterproductive. Why not step up your own space instead of inducing unnecessary querrels over this. No human relationship is adequate to human desire. You can't get all you desire from one man. You are probably looking for perfection, someday you get it by either creating your own man or a man who knows what you want will deceive you.
ReplyDeleteIt's either you take Mr A the way he is laid back or you look for another. Mr.B is toxic. Please run. If you cant deal with laid back attitude, please walk from both.
DeletePS: end it with mr B already. Hes toxic
She’ll get frustrated with MR A trust me. And Mr B is emotionally abusive
DeleteThe ability to bridle the tongue is a shockingly lacking ability in Nigerian men
DeleteYou can't find that perfect man that fits your own definition of perfection. We all have different personalitie but when you find the one who gives you peace , respect and the ability to totally be yourself 💯,my sis hold him dear.
ReplyDeleteI wonder why poster is in a rush.
ReplyDeleteThese two persons don't fit into your idea of a suitable partner... u need to chill and widen your options
Here we've got a "Catholic" and a "Pentecostal" and "you???"
ReplyDeletebut we haven't gotten a Christian; one whose lifestyle is patterned after Christ,
whose character is Christs!
All these "clash! clash! clash! push!:" Are they the characters of Christ?
Where is "peace, love, humility, gentleness, kindness, self control?
Now, when you actually look for one who is "grappling with career/business" like you
ReplyDeletearen't you setting up the stage for a home where the kids will be without parental care
and are just left to the "wolves?"
Yea but I think he’s too laid back for her. You have a point though. She’ll most likely be the one to slow down especially if husband is very financially stable. They both need to be there for the kids. But most especially, She needs to be emotional and physically there for her future kids as per nurturing mother
DeleteThe journey hasn't begun and we are hearing "clash, clash, clash?" Okay o. I thought I was reading an action movie script
ReplyDeleteI dont know whaT to say about A but B is not for you. If he is already making you sad with his rants now it will only get worse if you marry him
ReplyDeleteI believe non of them are meant for you... still pray about it
ReplyDeletePoster you should not be looking for someone who is exactly like you, it doesn't work that way. If a man ticks your boxes up to 70%, it is fine. Between these two, which one pushes you to be better spiritually? Pushes you to be better career wise, gives you peace most times, which one do you enjoy communicating with? Respects you? Which is caring among them and loves you truly? Think!
ReplyDeleteIf you don't find any among them, then none of them is for you.
Merge the 2 together and marry them
ReplyDeleteDon't put yourself under any unnecessary pressure,you might not even end up with any of them.Breathe and focus on yourself.
ReplyDeleteThis chronicle reminds me of the movie, "The confession of a Marriage Consellor". Poster, look for this movie and watch. Learn the lessons then slow down and re-evaluate things before you prayerfully make any decision.
ReplyDeleteWhy are you comparing A and B? A is already an Ex. Remember you were not satisfied with A hence he became an ex.
ReplyDeleteAre you planning to go back to A, or to look for another man with A's character. Are you sure A is still on the shelf waiting for your return. Or is A actually asking you to go back to him? If your answer is No, then please stop all comparison between both men because it is wasted effort.
Let us turn to B. As a pentecostal christain you say he does not have some of the fruits of the spirit (Galatians 5 v. 22 - 23). If you really treasure these fruits, the answer you seek becomes clearer.
But the real answer to your question lies in you. Reflect on who you are beyond juggling busness and career.
You want your husband to be a good income earner. Your clash with A was, if we put it bluntly, over money - your fear he lacks the push to earn as much as you want.
You want to be in charge. Your clashes with B is over how he handles things. You want things done your way.
In all, your decision making is being guided by ONLY your wants. You want your man to be about you. By the way, it is good to so desire. Some people will, however, say you sound a bit selfish.
Suggestion: Sit down. Think deep. Find out what you really need to complement who you are. Then go look for it not in A and not in B.
If you go back to A and find him still laidback, your would not have "solid standing ground" to drag him up. If you find him in full verve, your leaving woke him. You had completed your assignment in his life. A Man so woken up rarely respect the woman if she returns on her own.
If you stay with B, know that bad character or habit shown during courtship are rarely stopped by marriage.
Gbam you've said it all. If A is already an ex, pls leave him be to find someone that loves him the way he is. Unless he is the one that comes back to you, don't go and disturb his quiet life. He may have it in mind that you once rejected him and that may still cause issues in future. Count your losses and move on.
DeleteNo to Mr.B. He's probably emotionally abusive and he's not likely to change. As you said, after apology he does the same thing. Unless you grew up in an abusive home and are used to such toxicity...
You need to know the difference between a red flag and a flaw. Red flags are things that are dangerous to your life, your peace and the union (of marriage or relationship) itself. No matter how you love a person or how great he is, one red flag can scatter everything. Flaws are issues that may not be your ideal but they are manageable. They are not a threat to the marriage itself, to your peace or your life. In my books, emotional abuse is a red flag which I will run from. A laid back attitude is a flaw which is very manageable, and not even a major flaw cos when it comes to personality types, what you view as weakness could be a strength. By the time you meet gragra ambitious men who are ready to kill for money, you'll miss this calm and peaceful brother.
If A is too calm for her it might not work o. Especially in terms of finances. I have a friend who’s going through this and she’s the one bringing money home 90% of the time. She’s drained and frustrated as hubby’s not interested in business or a better paying job. Everything should be about balance In this life. Poster you never see husband. Plus you’re still very young. Focus on yourself and build your career, you go find better man in your league. Mr B is a No no. It’ll get worse in marriage. He doesn’t know how to control his emotions.
DeleteI salute you all, very sound people today. Nice advice👌
DeleteHi
ReplyDeleteHi
ReplyDeleteYou seem confused poster because if guy A is an Ex he should not be in this narrative at all.. You are still very young please calm down in making a choice..May God grant you wisdom.
ReplyDeleteMy dear a choleric like you needs your ex who understands you. You need maturity. Not everything money. You need peace. You see does insults one day u ll hate boyfriend b. Maturity and peace over money. Take this advice. Even some phlegmatics make it in life
ReplyDelete