Stella Dimoko Korkus.com: CHRONICLES OF A MARRIED MAN – 56

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Sunday, December 19, 2021

CHRONICLES OF A MARRIED MAN – 56

A couple of years ago, a junior colleague came to my house for a visit. After eating the meal my wife cooked; he thanked her and praised the meal and told her what a good cook she is..... 





My wife promptly told him she wasn’t the one who cooked the meal, that I was the one. He was quite surprised that I could even cook in the first place talk less of cooking a good meal at home. This sentiment wasn’t only shared by him but  by most people who know me from my professional life.


I’m a very opiniated person who is sort of an office bully that is always on everyone’s face. Always very blunt about my opinions and not the type that will shy away from any conversation, especially one that will project such parochial and conversative view of things. Because of this, I am always getting into trouble with female colleagues.

They always feel that I am a narcissist and will always support the so-called patriarchy that has always made women less than men. So, it always comes as shock when they come to my house and see me do certain things that they don’t expect me to do. But then we will always have our prejudice about people.

The basic truth about life is that we all basically want the same things; a comfortable and happy life where all our needs are met and where we can also affect others positively. This is no different from marriage too. We all want a happy marriage.

The things we all have to do to make our marriages work is what counts and gives us the life that we seek at the end of the day. After all the noise, arguments, the banters online and the public spaces, we all have to go home a face the realities of our marriages.

We all go into marriages with our personal mindsets, ideas and opinions about what marriage should be and our so called “rights” as the married people. At the end of the day, we have to change them for us to get the happy home we seek.

I recently read about a celebrity who was saying she wasn’t going to quit her career for marriage. In my mind, I was like marry first and see. My friend’s wife just quit her job after three miscarriages. It was a pretty sad experience that she didn’t envisage while she was single because she was actually one of the people that said she won’t quit her job for marriage.

The truth is that most people won’t tell you about the “wonderful” things they do at home to make their marriages work. Not that it’s a bad thing to make such sacrifices or change your personal rules for your marriage to work; but it’s just that we most times get carried away by social media and the kind of impression we show to people outside just to feel validated.

Just to give you some of the few changes I have made over the years to make my marriage work...

Firstly, though I may be loud and a lion outside, I am a gentle lamb at home. Early in marriage, my wife made it clear that I wasn’t going to shout at her for any reason. Any attempt at raising my voice at her was fiercely resisted by her.

Over time, “why are you shouting now” became a way to telling me to calm down and properly make my points without raising my voice. The occasional “I have heard naa” was always a way to tell me that I have said enough.

Funny enough she is the one now doing all the shouting because of the kids. Most times I don’t bother talking again about certain things.

Secondly, I realized that it wasn’t always about who is right about issues, arguments or who is at fault. I realized that getting peace at whatever cost is better than winning. These days, I deliberately let her have her way and negotiate my way out of issues instead of trying to be the “man”

Marriage is a marathon and not a sprint. I got the point after having lots of pointless quarrels over issues that didn’t really matter on the long run. Because I realized that I have lots important issues to deal with as the years went by, I have left a lot of unnecessary battles and not fighting is a better option.

Lots of the decisions and choices about things related to the kids, managing the house and other issued personal to her, I leave her to decide. Bottom line, she runs the house the way she pleases. Most times, contentious issues are better left unresolved for the sake of peace.


Thirdly, I realized that women will always do what they want to do. When she tells you she is going to buy a particular product or do a particular thing; she will always find a way to do that which she has set her mind to do.

Yours will always be the wrong choice and she will eventually find a way to tell you “I told you so”. I have left such decisions about the colour of paint for the house, the choice of children clothes, the right flavour for food items and other seemingly minor decisions to her.

Except for major financial decisions and other serious issues. Most times it is better to say “yes” than to try changing her mind about certain issues. Most times when she accepts to do that which you don’t like. She always will find fault in such things until her will is done.

Fourthly, I stopped making comparisons between her and any other woman; be it with my mother, sisters or any other woman for that matter. In my book, she is the best woman in anything and she has to feel that way.

It didn’t come that easy at first because trying to correct her about certain things or bad a behavior may come out as you comparing her with someone else. Even if she is to be corrected or reprimanded, she has to feel good about it.

As a sharp man, you will get a hang of it as the years go by and find better ways to pass your points across.

Lastly, I became a better liar. I talked about this in one of my previous pieces.

Though lots of you may disagree with me om this issue. But the truth for a married women means what makes her feel happy and comfortable. Inasmuch as you want her to know the truth, how you present it to her will make a lot of difference.

These days, a lot of things are better off left unsaid.

Before now, I could be one-directional in the way I approach issues. I have learnt to be more flexible and political in my approach. I value my peace of mind and a happy home more than any other thing.

Conclusively, most of the things we say or do outside of our marriages or the kind of impressions we give on the outside, are not realistically what lots of us do in our marriages. Do not be deceived.


Compliments of the season.

Ciao!

40 comments:

  1. Hmmmmm....o true at your last chapter. Compliments of the season to you abs yours.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sincerely, I realized my husband and I are getting over all these petty arguments and quarrel, we've both chosen happiness above any other thing now. It seems we've dropped some attitudes and starting to accept ourselves. Early marriage is always not really rosy truly. I love your write-up




      *Larry was here*

      Delete
    2. Wonderful piece, always enlightening, refreshing every Sunday.welldone Sir.
      I do share share captivating articles from SDK ON my social media handles for others to learn from or be entertained with.
      10% OR MORE of bvs here came from my sharing, REPOSTING, REsharing viral segments and support of SDK.
      Everyone, please learn to share links or SDK stories, comments that move you to others incase you haven't thought of it.
      Compliments of the season ☺ Everyone. 🎄 🎄
      ANG ANG, My one and only mummy G. i love you Ang and all other hot or cold bvs.
      thanks #married man#

      Delete
  2. Conclusively, most of the things we say or do outside of our marriages or the kind of impressions we give on the outside, are not realistically what lots of us do in our marriages. Do not be deceived.

    So true.

    Nice writeup 👍

    ReplyDelete
  3. Mehn!! I learnt alot from this write up. Getting peace at whatever cost is better than winning. Thanks alot for this.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Same here. Peace of mind is Paramount.👌👌

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  5. This is the gospel truth. I don't how with my peace of mind these days. M I don't even know how to say sorry,so I try to avoid anything that will lead to me saying sorry Everytime.

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  6. All u said is the truth esp where the man argues less,caprisim,peace of mind etc

    ReplyDelete
  7. Oga don eat vegetable, so says the neighbors

    ReplyDelete
  8. Replies
    1. I agree with you 100%, nobody really tells you what they go through to keep their marriage and it is unique to each of us. You keep your chin up and smile for the camera!

      Delete
  9. Immediately I read the below I started laughing

    Early in marriage, my wife made it clear that I wasn’t going to shout at her for any reason. Any attempt at raising my voice at her was fiercely resisted by her.

    ReplyDelete
  10. You are also "self-opinionated and bullyish" in your writings here.
    Knowing how to cook is not a big deal and does not make marriages work. Let me explain to you the heart of a woman,
    a wife. A woman can tolerate a man who does not know how to cut vegetables or light a stove, but you see adultery, having
    sex with another woman? That is the one that no woman will tolerate. And that incidentally is the one that you and your friends
    do, cover for one another and brag about it, right here. Am I saying that women don't cheat? No; I will write same things if I see
    a woman that cheat and brag about it like you and your friends do. But just know that a husband not knowing how to cook is not going to
    make a woman regret her marriage.🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are so funny. You think cheating is the deal breaker for all women?
      My father is very faithful. Like I can swear on it that he has never cheated on my mom but he has the worst character you can think of. I pray on a daily that neither I nor my children should ever get to end up with that kind of a person

      Delete
    2. I was scrolling to read your comment and you didn't disappoint.

      Delete
    3. You are also "self-opinionated and bullyish" in your responses to his write-ups, no? Lol

      Delete
    4. @18:38
      That's your opinion (one among the thousands of blog visitors). What I wrote above is the writers opinion of himself!

      Delete
    5. 18.38 👌

      Delete
    6. You don't force people to accept your way of thinking, why on earth are you trolling this writer?

      Delete
    7. @Anonymous 23:19
      Are you sure it is not this writer who is forcing people to accept his way of thinking? And you are forcing commenters airing their opinions to accept that they are trolls.

      Delete
    8. 05.05 ANG please rest! No one forces you to open this column yet every week you must judge and troll.

      Delete
  11. So Oga writer,the bottom line is that despite all these your gra grab,you are a softie inside

    ReplyDelete
  12. I always make sure I reserve data to read just this write up every sunday.
    Another educative and encouraging episode, KUDOS SIR!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  13. The part you wrote about a woman that left her career because of miscarriages is really sad and I hope God helps her. I have a friend that got married because she became pregnant and she was doing really well in the banking sector, two months after the wedding she had a late term miscarriage. Three more miscarriages and she left her job thinking it was the cause, my friend started selling bedsheets to do at list have something doing. Her husband didn't regard her as he used to, he married a top banker but now nothing unfortunately she continued to have miscarriages from 2013 after she left her job tull 2020, seven years later after God was merciful to her.

    Thank God her case ended in praise, my aunty hasn't been so fortunate, she was the senior marketing manager at Swipha and was doing excellently well, got married and miscarriages set in. She left her job after 2 years of continuous miscarriages, its being 18 years since she left her job,20 years since she got married but no successful pregnancy yet. She turned 50 last year and I don't know if she is still trying for a baby, she adopted a beautiful baby who is now 10. My point is women should really think before leaving their careers over miscarriages because it might be the only thing that keeps them safe in their journey to motherhood. I've discovered society will quickly say its career stress causing miscarriages but it's better to get strong medical facts before losing out both ways.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You can't blame such women. They will always feel like if they weren't working or stressed maybe the pregnancy would have stayed and so keep blaming themselves.
      It's good she adopted.
      For me I would say for every woman that intends adopting,try to make it a girl. Those ones are always closer to home than the boys

      Delete
    2. Darajah, if its a personal choice why not? So far the woman isn't pressured to do that and feels that's what's best for her family. People make sacrifices all the time. I didn't like the part of adopting a baby girl though. I don't know why Nigerians are like this, I think we are just wired thus way, my aunt waited extra two years because she wanted to adopt a baby girl. She didn't want a baby boy because she felt when she would eventually have her own children, the baby boy would be struggling for inheritance. Children are God's gift and should be accepted regardless of gender especially when adopting.

      Delete
  14. Wow...well done!!!A lot of husbands don't know how to compromise, they must prove they are the men in the marriage and their decisions must be final..

    ReplyDelete
  15. I don't know why my comment was not uploaded. Kindly call me out whenever I happen to insult anybody. I try my best not to do that.
    Thanks.

    ReplyDelete

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