Stella Dimoko Chronicle Of Blog Visitor Narrative...


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Wednesday, February 23, 2022

Chronicle Of Blog Visitor Narrative...



Good day Stella.
Thank you for this platform. I'm really in a dicey situation and I need mature advice.

Before I start, let me give a little background.

I'm from a small family where everyone has a room that's ensuite plus tv inside the room. Once we got to university, that's what my parents did for us. Even in primary and secondary school, I had a room to myself. The tv only came after I  got admission.

 Added to the all of this, I'm an introvert. I thrive more in solitude alone with my thoughts and a good book. My husband on the contrary is from a very large family of 7 children that's minus all the cousins, friends and well-wishers that constantly move in and out of his family house.

 He grew up in a 2 bedroom apartment so in the room they can be 7 or 8 then others will crash in the sitting room, in the dining area. Etc etc. He's also an extrovert. Let me go further to state that even the people that have moved out of the family house, for some reason all prefer to leave their houses and spend days sometimes weeks at home.

When we met, he had his apartment but for some reason he was always in the family house. Anytime I asked why, he always had reasons why he was home. He kept reiterating that despite being at home, he enjoyed his privacy. Then I'd wonder why someone that liked his privacy and his space always preferred to leave where he could get it and stay in a place where there's no privacy whatsoever. But I just let it be.

Now the issue on ground is at every given opportunity, he'd suggest we should go and stay there. We have a very comfortable apartment so I never for once agreed to go there. I calmly explained to him that he's married now, he should try and understand that his marriage needs a level of privacy especially this early part. That I'm not against visiting but we should go home to sleep.

 If we were in a different town and we came for holidays, it's a different case. But to subject us to weeks of staying in the same room with many people while we have a comfortable apartment in the same town, that would be unfair. I can't be trying to dress up and his brothers will be going in and out of the room like nothing.

He started making it look like I was looking down on his family. The hurtful things he said to me that day ehn, I can't even repeat some of it here. He told me about his brother's wife that was happily doing it. So what am i feeling like? Who do i think i am? Forgetting that the lady is an outgoing lady. She likes crowd normally. She's a people person. Even in her house, there are always people there.

Shebi they told us in marriage counselling that marriage is compromise? I decided to try it once. After one night vigil we attended, we decided to sleep there before going home in the morning. It was hell for me. I couldn't sleep.

 The constant movements and chitchat made it so difficult to sleep. I had to formulate an excuse and leave to my friend's house to sleep very well. After that experience, I kept dodging the idea of staying there until the talk was becoming too much. 

I agreed to do it once more. 

This time we were like 9 in the room. These people gisted till like 1am. To make matters worse, when they finally slept there was no light through out the night so the room was so stuffy. I couldn't sleep. When I was finally able to sleep at about 5am, movement and noise started again. I woke up with a splitting headache. To have my bath and dress up, I can't begin to tell you the James Bond I did. That afternoon I looked for an excuse to go to my friends house again. 

She stays very close to his family house. To cross the parlour and leave, they started insinuating that they were expecting me to stay longer. Stylishly asking why I'm leaving so soon. I left with the speed of light the first chance I got. People of God, I slept and slept that my friend even became worried and had to wake me at a point that she doesn't understand this kind of sleep. After that i called him that I've taken bolt home.

His family already looks at me like I'm looking down on them and he also thinks I am. But to be honest, I'm not. It's not even about my family background. It more of me just liking peace and quiet. Liking solitude. I thrive more in a quiet environment where I'm alone with my thoughts. I've had this conversation with him many times in the nicest and calmest way possible but it always ends up with him accusing me of looking down on his family background because I feel I'm more privileged.

How do I handle this? How can i communicate that in as much as I'd love to compromise, it's driving me crazy. I can't cope. I've tried but I can't.

I really dont know what to say because i have not heard of any situation like this before... Maybe when you start making babies, they will excuse you from these visits...
Let me ask you though, didnt you visit there when you guys dated? Was there no pressure on you that might have put you off?

Read the comments further, there might be suggestions on how you can handle this strange happening.....


  1. Chai I feel for you poster. Don't even know what to say. All the best poster

    1. When I say MARRY YOUR CLASS, this is the kind of things you would avoid.

      Dear poster, in this regard, you can't please your husband nor the people at the family house. I love that you made efforts and now sure you gave it your best. Find another way to make it up to the entire house. Let me suggest food; like cooking then leave after meal. When gist is flowing, chip it in in a playful way that they should abeg excuse you at sleep time. Also be open to one-on-one relationship with each of them so they get to understand that you are not a snub. Family is sacred and a close knit one like this is should be treasured.
      As for your husband, don't worry. He will come around.

      If I were in your shoes I would ask God to give us an opportunity we can't resist in different city. No matter what you do, don't allow this leave a crack of any kind on your marriage. You saw him this way and fell in love with him, so apply patience, diplomacy and love.

    2. That's the annoying thing about Nigerian men.
      They will CLEARLY see how you are BEFORE y'all marry.
      Once you marry, they wantu now change you to into what I dont know, nagging and whining like constipated goats.
      He didnt see you were an introvert BEFORE you married, so he automatically wants you to become an extrovert to please him? How? Why doesn't he becomee introvert na?

    3. He sounds like my ex husband and his family. Never ever marry down or at worst marry an aspirational man. 9 people in one bedroom. Kirikiri.

  2. See enn, in this life they may say opposite attract o but sometimes marry your type for your peace of mind. I personally do not think this poster is looking down on her husbands family. She is just someone who likes her space. She just does not have her husbands personality to match. My advice if you have a priest/Pastor or someone he respects who can mediate it will maybe make him see things in a diff light through the lense of someone other than you. In all I hope you guys are able to talk it through and come to a compromise. All the best.

    1. The poster tried. As much as I like people, I can't find myself sleeping in thesame room with just anybody talk less if a multitude. I live in a one bedroom apartment but I make sure all my sofas are sofa beds, in the night you take position. Simple.

  3. Poster try making babies as Stella has said maybe it will reset his brain. We are wired differently you know, so give your hubby time to come around and continue to dialogue with him. Peace unto your home.....

    1. Hope you have spare room or space in your home. I asked because when your first baby arrives, the party is likely to move to your home.

      Search for educative materials on your kind of person and convince your husband for you both to read them together.

  4. Hmmm.But why na? Make una stay for ur house na.

    1. Poster, better not make babies in this situation, try to find a way to meet your husband half way.
      I personally do not think you are looking down on your in-law family, it's a personality and background differences kind of ish.

  5. You both are incompatible, if you are an extrovert, dont force d introvert to be like you. Leave them at home and go your waka, and you introvert, pls adapt and dont try to change him or her to be like you, allow d extrovert go out while you stay home. Now make your husband understand that. You cannot marry an introvert or extrovert then try to change them, it would breed resentment soon, or you will spend your entire life compromising.

  6. You both are not compatible socially and you should have found out this when you were dating but now,any stance u take will come off misinterpreted. Well,u have got to steel yourself up for such visits,u already know how the environment is over there when you visit,so compromise once in a while so that you can strike.a balance. You both are married now.

  7. I don't even know the advice to give to you but it's well

  8. If your husband is not ready to understand you and know how to sort out his family; you can only oblige him to an extent. Compromise to the extent you can, and find your peace.

  9. I can't say I know an exact perfect solution, but I perfectly understand cos I'm like u. I once had an experience like this and it broke that relationship. He moved into an apartment where his best friends were next door, we had absolutely no privacy. To think I came from far to see him only for a few days. They were the first to wake us up, the last to leave at night. Every date we went he invited all his friends to come along with their girlfriends. It became like a competition of Lag vs Abuja babes which was strange for me cos I had to mingle by force. Plus, I was the holiday chef cooking each time they showed up. I did not know how to cook or serve several guests, as it was my first. It was Xmas day and he got on the phone and called friends, office people et Al, after I had cooked a meal with his friends in mind. I served food from morning until night. He was a people person but I had never experienced it firsthand. I was overwhelmed cos in my relationship I love some privacy and some alone moments. The day I voiced out, we had a big fight and that was the end. In all, I was able to see that, based on my upbringing, I grew up different, we rarely had guests stay over. I'm an introvert to the core, I knew there and then I could never cope. I ended things Like Stella asked, you should have seen this aspect of him. I think you might have to compromise some more cos this is marriage. Speak to him on a different day and let him know it's new for you and you guys decide where and where u can compromise.

    1. wow, that must have been draining. Thank God you chose your sanity

    2. You are actually in the best position to advise her.

    3. When you experience things like this early, run far away. Don't think you can navigate your way except it is really not a big deal for you. I once talked with a guy who said as a married man, he would love to own a big house so he can accommodate as many people as would need it. While this gesture is thoughtful, I don't support making your family home for such purpose. Besides with the daily dose of evil things we see and hear people do these days, where's your sense of protection for your family (kids especially) in this age? That for me was not a wise man talking so that was the end of the talks... You can help from afar. I don't like what I can't stand. We were not brought up that way. Ours was a real nuclear family, very few occasions we had relatives for a very brief period and that was even when we were much younger.

  10. I understand you poster. Growing up my mum was the gossip of the neighborhood and my dad a calm quiet man who liked his solitude. I didn't understand why he kept coming home late even when he had nothing to do until I realised why. My mum is nice but a talkative, she would expect him to talk about people or gossip. He hated it but never told her. Always listened with a half an ear till my mum figured it out and left him in peace. We the children took after him so she ended up going out to her fellow gossips. Unfortunately, brought alot of issues cos we can never confide in her cos she didn't know when to stop and as a result, we are not close to her. We just call to check on her and that's it.
    If you have talked about it and he hasn't listened, I think you should let your actions speak. Play games on your phone and only talk once you're spoken to. Always smile at their jokes and don't say anything. Once you want to sleep, wear headsets with calming music and sleep. Before you know it, your husband will leave you home by himself.
    Also, I think it's very irresponsible and immature of your husband to be taking you to 'family house' all the time. A man sets himself apart once he has his own family. Even the Bible says a man will leave his family and cleave to his wife. Also, didn't you see the signs???
    Whatever you choose to do, do it with maturity and prepare yourself for the issues that will definitely arise with his family.

    1. Please Poster it is better not to go at all than to go and be aloof. See, aloofness in the circumstances will be treated as a fun spoiler and a bigger insult

    2. Be aloof and have your peace of mind period!

      You are incompatible so you need to do something drastic to get your space and your peace.

    3. Poster pls stop going,if you do that,it will be worse.

  11. If he's aware that you are introverted then why put you through such unless his family put him up to it.

    Two things you can do:

    Stick it out or
    Stand your ground cos he's been ridiculous.
    You can't control their reaction/sentiment, stop trying. With time, they will understand you better.

  12. I pity you. I pity you because I have been here and because you are already married to this guy. Very soon he will start joining them to table your matter, how you are looking down on them and not ready for marriage. That man is supposed to protect you and your sanity, but he clearly isn’t. In my case, I dated this type of guy for 6yrs o, the day I walked away I never looked back, I started breathing well. Funny thing no body will understand the mental torture he is putting you through. As an introvert, this is mental stress and torture. In my case, my friends envied my relationship and no matter how I tried to explain , they didn’t seem to understand what I was going through. Funny thing is he will still come back and tell me what he discussed with his family, that who do I even think I am , that one of the cousin said he saw me the other day and I didn’t greet, lol. Which cousin again. If your husband was respecting your feelings and protecting your space like a real man should, i would have said he is different. They always refuse to understand why you can’t join them to enjoy the crowd or many many talk. I would rather remain single for ever than marry someone like that my ex, it was torturous and mentally draining. Maybe you should keep explaining to him.

    1. I think that mentally draining is what this poster is experiencing. May God help her

  13. Some men are too attached to their family,I know someone who is facing the same situation,she has two kids and they still visit family house almost every weekend,anytime she refused to go,it will turn to serious arguement between the couple.Poster im not sure your husband will change his mind anytime soon,just find a way of pleading with your husband.ire o

    1. He will if she stops NOW!IN your friends case she gave the situation food rather than making it hungry.
      Some people dread quarreling,pls make we argue and quarrel till when we reach a compromise.

    2. They gossip,wowww.thank God you left

  14. My dear please do you. My hubby is exactly like your husband, but in his case he doesn't force me to be like him or go with him on his waka waka because I 'fitn't can't' say wetin happen?
    I hate unnecessary movement, if there's no need for it, you'll never see me go out just for going out sake.

    How people going visiting without any tangible reason baffles me. If I visit you know that I came to celebrate an occasion with you or something unavoidable prompted it. But to just dress 👗 up and come to gist with you in your house is almost an impossibility for me. Sleep 😴 don finish?

    1. Simple... he can do his waka without foring her to join.

    2. Lol@ sleep don finish

      And BTW, I like the fact that your husband does not force is waka waka ways on you... That's the way it should be👍

  15. Your husband doesnt have a mind of his own and i honestly dont think he is mature enough for marriage

    1. Exactly. And he seems like a crowd pleaser. Very very soon,he will join them in gossiping about you and then ehn,hmm God help you. I wish you the best

  16. When I tell people not to marry below their class this is one of the reasons. Your husband is unsecured because he knows that there is a gap in your social class. There is nothing you do that will make him feel comfortable with how you relate with his family. I pray God gives you divine wisdom to navigate your marriage because I don't really know how long you are going to inconvenience yourself to make them accept you.

    1. This is not an issue of marriage below class. There are extroverted and introverted people in all classes of life.

      The issue here is how the poster and her husband will middle ground their different personalities or separately enjoy their personalities while enjoying their marriage together.

    2. This has nothing to do with class... It's about the person

    3. A sensible and exposed man would understand the personality difference and work around it while protecting her

      An insecure one will see the differences as looking down and joining others to attack her

      He is her problem
      He isn't mature and sensible to see beyond his nose

  17. It is sad to know that men don't know the difference between being single and staying married. Your husband is just mommy's boy, who has refused to grown up and leave his parents' house. He should know times have changed. A married couple automatically needs that space and privacy. Poster, it's obvious your husband does not realize that he is married and the sadder part is that no parent of his is sensible enough to tell him that. I come from a family of 8, but just like you each one of us was thought about privacy because we had our own rooms, but the moment each got married, boundaries were set.
    Honestly, this is medicine after death. These are the things you should have discussed with him while in courtship. I'd advice you tread softly, because something like this can destroy your marriage.

  18. This one weak me sha. It’s obvious some people do not know what marriage is about. Why will u be married and still be choosing to go and stay in ur family home?

    When it’s not maybe Christmas or some sort of ceremony. Make I no talk sha but it seems like ur husband rates his family way more than he rates you.

    You have to stand ur ground. Not in a rude way but in a way that shows that u absolutely mean ur stand!

    Is it that people don’t take the lessons taught in marriage counselling seriously or what?

  19. Oh my sis. Me I don't like this one o. Just take it easy. I pray God sees you through this my sister. The one who brought you two together will create a perfect blend for you. (In time, you'll loosen up too, don't be too hard on yourself)

  20. Omoh na to stand ground o. If reverse were the case do you think he'd want to follow you to your family house in that kind of situation? The longer you tolerate it, the bigger the problem gets. Address it now. Guy I love you o but these ridiculous visits e no be by force. And to think you don't mind visiting them on a normal day and going back home. If you were avoiding them altogether I'd say eehn but just like dat. Abegi

    1. Abeg leave this situationship it’s not marriage. I hate men with inferiority complex it never ends well.


    2. Culturally Nigerian women are mostly taught to pander to insecure men with fragile egos and inferiority complexes

  21. What nonsense how can you stay in his family house when u guys have a house of your own, he should go alone

  22. ...but you met him attached to that family house and still agreed to marry him. Now you want to detach him. Besides, una no dey go work?

  23. Hey sis.

    God is the one who gives wisdom. Your case isn’t hopeless.
    You’ve married him already so there’s no need for ‘if I had known’ or anything of that sort.

    Here’s what you’re going to do. Pray for him. Pray that he receives understanding concerning what you’re trying to communicate and then write him a letter.
    Pour your heart out to him.
    Reassure him thah you aren’t looking down on them, but you don’t thrive well in that type of environment.
    You can cite these examples.
    Then make an offer. Tell him you guys can go once every month or maximum twice every month.
    You have to do this oh. So he feels you’re on his side. (Sorry but your husband isn’t so mature). We just have to work around what we have right now.
    Your offer is that you can only do two nights or twice every month.

    When you’re done, give him the letter but don’t bring up the discussion again
    When he suggests you guys should go, go with him.
    Once it’s 2 nights in one month, that’s it, be firm and yet Nice.

    When he wants you to go again, tell him you won’t be able to go.
    If he throws tantrums it gets angry, ignore him but don’t give in oh.
    Let him be.
    He would come around.

    Men should protect their wives from external family members. It’s a unit now, you and her, why expose her to such interference.

    I pray He realises what he’s doing.

    I wear a leg chain and one of my husbands relative or brother told him to tell me to remove the chain right before our trad. He told him okay. No wahala. But he didn’t tell me.
    I sha wore my leg chain during trad and white.
    After we got married, the same relative came to ask him why he didn’t ask me to remove it and he told him he’s the one who bought it for me. 😂. Which is true.

    He refused to tell me who this person was when he mistakenly mentioned it to me. So I can’t even imagine my husband coming to tell me what his cousin said about me. Or going to discuss me with his cousin or brother in a negative light. That’s cooking up bad blood. Sigh
    God help your children.

    1. Twice or once a month to do what exactly???????

    2. I like where Anony 18:28 is coming from. For this to work, you’d have to reach a compromise where you actually have to sleep at this family house. Be it once a month, once in two months …. anyone you can muster. You just have to, because this will show him that you are not looking down on his family.

      In fact, you should have used sense to do this before he even starts to tell you that you are looking down on his family. Had you done this at the start, he will not have the mouth to tell you that.

      Suck it up dear and endure, it will be just one night out of many for peace to reign. And for you to maintain sanity in your marriage.

      Like anony 18:28 said, decided which it is you can endure/do, and stand your ground. This is not the family’s business. It is a decision between you and your hubby.

  24. Poster you man is not mature. He is still a child for him to put you through this messy situation.
    I totally understand you.
    I have been in such situation and it was a friend's house and everyone were having side talks saying I was forming whereas i wasn't used to such crowd/environment. But I didn't care.
    Now your situation is bad cos the one who is supposed to protect and understand you is doing the worst to you.
    All I can say is that your man needs serious counselling.
    This type can't have your back, the earlier you tackle this behavior of his the better for you.
    Try your best, discuss with him calmly and explain things. If he refuses to reason with you then talk to someone he truly respects,must be someone with good head not a local champion like your husband, if he is being lectured on this matter his local head will reset.
    You both won't be the first introvert-extrovert couple.
    Me I hate this kind thing.

  25. Marry your class, una no dey ever hear.
    Marry your level.
    Ajebutter married ologi agbakpo.
    Ofcourse as a Nigerian man, he will turn you to ologi agbakpo.

    1. What has class got to do with this situation?
      Some rich men stil reason like the posters husband,some are raised to always be around family and may want to impose same on their wives.
      Remember,the same way she is learning in marriage ,likewise ,he is too and in learning you are bound to make mistakes too.

    2. If we check now , those of you shouting marry your class are the lowest of the lowest class. I hope you also married your class.

    3. Class in reasoning and outlook on life

      Exposed marry exposed

      Not local champion

    4. Ma'am, the issue here is not class. It is an issue of personality differences.

      There are people who can reason like the poster, are exposed as her, and even understand her needs, yet will act as the husband because they feel obligated to family.

      The man here is an extrovert and is obligated to family. Even if he turns the obligation to the wife and his children, the extroverted part of him will still cause challenges in the marriage unles a compromise is found.

  26. My sister, you just described my husband and his people. Lemme quickly tell you that going there as often as your hubby desires will only do one thing to you- contempt as a result of the overfamiliarity it will cause. Believe you me o, that's my situation right now. I hate myself every day for allowing my hubby lead me into spending soooooo much time at his parents where there's no single moment of privacy. Theyve seen me so much that there's no respect again o, coupled with the fact that I don't now have a job. This one thing I'll tell you,stop all unnecessary visits, go only occasionally, don't fall for your hubby s gimmick of 'you think you're better off bla bla bla. ,If you do, na you go tire o. They will see you finish. They will be expecting you to be cooking, sweeping, going on errands etc even when their own daughters are seated. Take your stance. Visit only when necessary and don't sleep over,except when it is highly unavoidable. Do you politely. Everyone of them go adjust. Last Christmas, I no even look my hubby Uche face, every Christmas I must go there with the kids just because they kill cow, this one I insisted on visiting my aged parents for Christmas.I no answer anybody. So you might have to take that approach too, but talk to him first. God will lead you, so this doesn't cause an unnecessary crack in your home.

  27. Ah poster, I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm just like you so I understand; I can't even share room with my siblings and not be irritated, same with them so I totally understand. People always think I'm looking down on them too but it's far from that. In my case, I'm not from a rich home but we had rooms of our own and we shared nothing. Mine is so serious, I can't even share a W.C or bathroom with anyone, I must have my own.

    Poster, if I were you, I will put my foot down and refuse to go. Forget that if you have a baby things will change, it will be worse as they will use "visiting the baby" as an excuse to move the party to your house. You better stand your ground now. If I were you, the drama I will cause will make them leave me alone. I will go as usual and when I'm sleeping and they are making noise, I will wake up, sit on the bed and start crying, when they ask me why, I will tell them their noise is preventing me to sleep and it's frustrating me. I will cry so much they will have to beg me to stop crying.

  28. At this early stage of your marriage, you two should be all over yourselves, having s#x everyday, planning the future together , getting to know each other better and eventually making can't do all these spending day and night in a room full of gree o,stand your ground.infact the next family visit should be in easter,mtcheeeewww.

  29. I was once in your shoes,all you need to is to stick to your decision,that's not compromising that's inconvenience.
    What you will tolerate in your marriage is 5 years to come,this is the time to start adjusting even if it requires quarreling,after a while he will adjust and they will adjust too if not even when babies will start coming in,they will even expect you to leave the baby with them and go home and sleep.
    Sorry to say, people like that have a shallow way of reasoning.
    Don't die to please anyone.
    Yes marriage is about compromise but not at the expense of your emotions,happiness,and health.

  30. Poster, you made your bed, now lay in it. By your own admission, you KNEW before marriage this is what this man and his family were doing, so why did you marry him? You have different lifestyles and family values system, so why did you agree to join him?

    My dear, stop escaping to your friend's house unless you'll soon be accused of paternity fraud. Learn to live with your husband as you slowly convince him to live your way too. Nobody likes a snooty in-law, last last buy noise cancelling headphones for when you sleep there.

    For all you unmarrieds, putting head where there's obvious incompatibility better shine your eyes o, before this is you too

  31. Stella love, I don't think they should have a baby yet. It does not automatically heal the hurt or right the wrongs and a baby comes with pressures that (in this particular situation) may tear them apart.
    The innocent child(ren) should not be brought into the home till the adults sort their ish.
    If the hubby and family already have a rigid impression of her, *which is usually hard to correct* she might just need to excuse herself from the dynamic and find someone she is better yoked with.


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