Hmmm..
UNDER SERIOUS PRESSURE TO GET MARRIED
I am a 29 working class lady. I got a govt job through my mother's connection. I am not married yet and am living with my parent because my place of work is not far from home and I hope to save more.
My mother has been pestering me for marriage. She has always rubbed it in in in in my face that she gave me a job and reminded me of how I failed to bring a husband home. I am not in any relationship yet bcus I don't want to date the wrong guy.
The last guy I dated forcefully raped me and took my virginity. I am taking my time. Now, this is the problem. There is a pastor that runs a radio broadcast to pray for expecting miracles. Whenever am on leave, my mum will encourage me to visit his church and the church is far from my place.
The last time I went there. There were crowds so I couldn't get where to seat. Ever since then, I vowed to be connecting with their service online instead of visiting there physically bcus am usually stressed whenever I visit the church physically. Each time I tell my mum that I will connect with their service online, she will start insulting me that I should visit the church physically and that miracles can't happen online.
When I told her that am not going to work yesterday bcus I want to rest due to stress. She said I should go the church. and I declined. She started insulting me that is why my life is stagnant when all my mates are married. Pls what can I do to stop her from insulting me about marriage matters?
*You know what? Get a place of your own and move out!...That Environment is toxic and polluted already, your mum will never stop unless you give her some space....
Go rent a place...or transfer to another state.
ReplyDeletePoster you can't afford to hate your mom but she's being toxic and stress will never leave you when you are exposed to toxicity. She is trying to avoid her association of friends from mocking her bcz of your marital status. You know say our parents dey live to brag with their children's success.
DeletePlease move out to a place that's affordable and not so far from workplace. You will still have to make savings.
Please be hanging out with friends in safe places where you might meet eligible young men. Social media nko?
It is truly a deliberate task to get a good man who can be a husband, father, a provider and a protector.
So you want to open yourself to see more options and pray and watch carefully. Just NSPPD prayers and connect.
Your marital journey is settled in Jesus's Name, Amen.
Hint, Go where (the man) the love and respect is. Remove all those tall, dark and handsome from your list first.
Another thing, you should do is open up to her, what your plans re and why you re taking your time, it is not the one they will pressure you into marrying the wrong person or for the wrong reasons, and you end up getting divorced.
DeleteNot wanting to be mocked by her friends can only happen if she mocked someone else's daughter
DeleteExactly what Stella said. This is way too stressful abeg.
DeleteI understand how rent can be expensive. It’s either you start or you receive her. Get a friend close by and start crashing at her place in the name of vigil. Sadly people like your mum never ever change.
DeleteGet a place!
DeleteWth!
What sort of evil pressure is this na?
Single, poster don't stress yourself with plenty explanations, she's not being reasonable about it. Just find a place of your own and move out.
DeleteI agree with Stella's red ink. What are you waiting for before you move out? Is it until you enter the full phase of depression? You see that pastor she is pushing you to visit? Avoid him at all cost. Thank God you even have an example to refer to in the case of your aunt. Stay calm and prepare yourself mentally. Relationship itself isn't an easy venture. Meanwhile keep making money and flexing it as you go.
ReplyDeleteThat’s how they push till you enter one chance marriage
ReplyDeleteYou dey behave like small pikin that's why dem dey press your head like all those horn newspaper men carry.
ReplyDeleteTell her you have heard.
Baff, rub powder, carry bible, leave house, go and branch at one nice cafe and treat yourself to a nice meal, or go to the movies, switch off your phone.
When you are done, clean mouth and go home.
No allow anyone push you into 'please hide my ID' or gnashing of teeth.
To marry no be problem, na to get good person be the problem.
No allow anybody give you unnecessary headache.
Alabokun in 200 naira.
Anonymous you have a great idea for her. Poster read and apply.
Delete😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 Na wa for you anon 15:10. Chai! This life sha....................
Delete😂 *coughs* But seriously poster going out to places can even help you meet someone.
Delete15:10
DeleteTo go chop her savings?
Poster, bear and save for your first year rent and move out.
Poster move out!
ReplyDeleteI was once in your shoes but I made the decision to move out and guess what, my mum respects me now. She evens begs me to visit home. Over familiarity brings disrespect.
Highest over the phone once in a blue moon, she’ll tell me she’s praying for me and I’ll answer amen.
You have said it all
DeleteExactly,,, only solution is just to save and move out simple!.. I understand your mum sha!
DeleteI know how my mum act like she wants to eat me raw when ever i visit her because of marriage not to talk of you living in your family house...cho way gi nne.
Your mum should be ashamed of herself for rubbing it in that she gave you her job. Other mothers have done more and you won’t hear them talk about it.
ReplyDeleteMove out of your parents house and don’t tell your mum where you live. Block her from calling your phone and if she tries to humiliate you at work or in public give it back to her. Don’t rush to marry, take your time. Do not let anyone pressure you. Must every woman be married? Your mum is toxic stay the hell away from her.
Most old school parents do it. No need to insult the Mother.
DeleteShe desires the good of the Poster who also seeks to be married. The issue here is the Poster and her mother have different approach to the matter.
There is this misconception that ALL mothers are inherently perfect & well intentioned towards all their children. The culture deifies moms, saying “there is no idol like a mother”. I have seen a lot in my over half a century on this planet to know that many Nigerian parents not just moms can be selfish & emotionally abusive. Some see their kids as retirement plans, some live vicariously through their kids regardless of what’s best for the child. This is general, not about the poster’s mom.
DeleteAsk yourself these questions:
Does she see you as a burden because you “still stay at home”? Is she resentful because she went through a lot to get you a job & is this really about your best interest or her “pride & parade”?
Respectfully remind her of your Aunty’s case. Remind her that life is not how fast but how well. You didn’t mention your dad. Is he late? It may help you understand her thought process in putting such pressure on a 29 year old! You are still very young! Is she trying to shield you from the loneliness or whatever pains she endured raising you. Many parents have an ‘angle’ whenever they steer ADULT kids in some directions. Honor her, she carried you for 9 months & nursed you though that’s the biological definition of ALL mammals! It should take more than the basic biological definition to be “deified” like our culture does all moms.
I know things are hard but like most commenters, save up & move out. Rent a room apartment for your sanity. I know a mom that did not give her daughter the right counsel on a husband because of her own desire to use the girl as an ATM, the girl got married & was in an h balky marriage while the mom was happy that she married into “money” ! Proverbs 21:9 can be generic, it applies to husbands, wives, moms, dads, sons, daughters, anyone creating contention in one’s life while you live with them etc “ It is better to sit on the corner of the roof than to dwell with a contentious woman”. The advice to rent your own space and make life decisions at God’s speed is the best. Life is a sum total of decisions made over years & decades. Don’t let anyone make you look back in regret at your life.
So because she’s old school she should continue to allow her mom mess her mental state of mind?? My goodness some of you ladies are just F’ed up I swear.
DeleteAnon 02:06, really wished there's a like button. You really made sense with your comment.
DeleteI detest how our Culture turns mothers into idols. Even when there are wrong, you're expected to apologise just cos she's your mother and carried you for 9 months.
When next she comes ranting and overbearing, remind her that your aunt that listened to her advice is not in a better place now. You would appreciate if she can back off and allow you make the right decision. While at it, you should join physical groups so you can meet and interact with the opposite gender. In between, if your salary is not so fantastic and constant, I would suggest you don’t rush into marriage. An acquaintance is currently not finding it easy in marriage because her government job owes like curazy, making it look like she brings nothing to the table. Man beats her up at any slightest provocation.
ReplyDeletePlease be financially strong before considering anything marriage. Let your mum talk, she will get tired. Don’t let anyone push you into what you can’t shoulder. When you close from work, find somewhere else to be till 6-7pm then you head home. Learn to ‘work late’, if you understand what I mean. So your presence at home will be less. Good luck sis 😊😘
Na wa ooooo, this is so sad. Sometimes one just wants to go home after work and relax. Which one is learn to work late. Anyway poster can do this for now until she moves out. And amen to financial stability. It’s very important.
DeletePoster, if u can afford it, gently pack out of the house and rent an apartment somewhere far from her pls.
ReplyDeleteAs a mother, why will u even be using marriage to mock ur own child? People dey dis life sha
Stella has said it all...MOVE OUT.
ReplyDeleteAwww,so sorry dear,she meant well but going about it the wrong way. Just continue to pray,God will make everything beautiful,in his time.
ReplyDeleteUse grey rock method on her, I did that for my mum and we had a peaceful 2022 at a point she was scared and started panicking, though she took another method by reporting me to my married friends but they understand, they only call to deliver her message.
ReplyDeleteI'm even bothered she's not disturbing like before but I love my peace, I see my aunties that were pressured and I don't pray for my life to be like theirs.
If you can afford an apartment, get one and reduce the info you give her about yourself. I noticed the pressure became worse when I got promoted at work last year, my mum called my friend that I now have money that I should get a man and marry on top 80k salary.
Send message to your nuclear family including your mum that your mental and general health is on the line and you've been advice to take it cool or you call for a family meeting
I no Dey like insult parents but some of them deserve all the insult in the world.If poster is saying the truth about her Mum rubbing the fact that she helped her get a job in her face,what kind of mother does that?
ReplyDeleteYour mum isn't going about it the right way. You could move out or just attend the church to get her off your case. The Lord is your strength.
ReplyDeleteIf she attends it won’t stop there
DeleteSpoken by a child with a good mother 😀
There is much respect now as I don’t live with her
DeleteYou cannot lock me out of a house, allow younger ones the opportunity to try to humiliate me when I no longer live with you again. There are flashes of that personality from time to time but she has cooled down as I don pack comot . If I like I skip some days in calling her sotey she complains as I noticed if you make yourself she tries some small small disrespect, so scarceness works. Poster make yourself scarce, forget useless pressure tell her about mothers who pray and fast for their children . Understand that it maybe misdirected concern very poorly communicated. It is only you that will live with me man not her or anybody else
Poster do not mind your mum, move out and she won't see you to pressure any more, Do not rush into marriage pls, take your time and pray for the right man, and you will enjoy the bliss in it.
ReplyDeleteWhat kind of monster mother is this na.
ReplyDeleteInstead of encouraging you and praying for you she is being toxic.
Your best solution for now is to leave the house and get your own sef contain if that is what you can conveniently afford.
Poster, still thank God for your mother. Some mothers don't even want their children to marry.
ReplyDeleteThe problem is your mum is taking it the wrong way. (It's not wrong to pray for your mum to change) Do not be angry with her, be patient and most importantly move out like Stella said, that would reduce the pressure on you.
However, before going to work in the morning, go to your mums room, kneel down and tell her to pray for you (Not everything is pastor). Do this every morning. When you have finally moved out, you can always call her on phone to pray for you every morning.The prayers will go a long way in your life. You can give it a try.
Even if you get a place of your own she will continue to disturb you, give her the type of assignment I have my mum, siblings inclusive of my sister in law and till date no one talk to me about marriage.
ReplyDeleteThe assignment I gave them is that they should find me a comfortable, suitable man they feel he can be their in law. Anyone she my mum feels he should be her son in law, that she should I form me and I promise to marry him. For how long now no one talk to me about not getting married.
My family almost drive me into depression because marriage, give birth, blah blah. I am free from them and no one want to talk. I have been the one reminding them of the assignment and till date no one has any guy to give me. Sin e your mum feels is easy to get married she should bring a husband just the way she gave you a job.
Try and get a small apartment for yourself before anything, with staying alone she will not drive you into depression. Give her some space to find you a perfect husband and thank me later.
Poster follow this
DeleteSome mothers and family will bring men o.
DeletePlease be ready that the challenge will be seen for what it is before you make it o.
Not everybody understands a challenge is rhetorical.
Not every family will listen to this o. She can try but if mama no gree, make she move out.
DeletePls move out for your sanity sake.marrying the wrong person is the greatest mistake anyone can ever make.be focus and prayerful.the lord will guide you through.
ReplyDeleteGbam
DeletePoster just follow Stella advice since your mum has made that environment to be so toxic and and restless get out now before she course you more harm. I wish you best of luck.
ReplyDeleteMain reason I moved out to another state where I know no one because the pressure was so much then
ReplyDeleteNot married now ooo (genotype palava) but at least no heavy pressure
You put pressure on me, I stop picking up the person's call(in case I can't block the person)
I have come to conclusion that if God have marriage in stock for me, definitely will it come to pass, if otherwise, all glory to God in the highest
If you desire marriage, Your prayers should be, let God’s will be done and grant you your heart desires. Good for you, for removing yourself from a toxic environment and protecting your mental health/sanity.
DeleteThis chronicle resonates with me because I am currently in the same situation. My mother is so angry at me that I’m unmarried at 29 years. I still live with my parents and I cannot afford an accommodation right now although I’m working. The last time she spoke to me, I cried and asked her ‘Are you God?’ ‘Do you want me to rush and marry the wrong person?’. She is always pressuring me and it’s really affecting my mental health. God will not fail us dear poster.
ReplyDeleteBabe, no pressure cos when the chips are down, OYO be your case .You're not the only unmarried 29 year old
ReplyDeleteImagine pushing someone who is clearly dealing with the trauma of rape into marriage?. African mothers, wetin happen naa?
ReplyDeletePoster, move out without making noise o.
I was actually thinking of resigning from my place of work and stay with my mum till I start-up a business of my own, but from this poster's story now, I'm not going anywhere till I get my own accommodation. I'm currently 29 years too.
ReplyDeleteHmmm if your mom is like poster, don’t even try it o. Jejely save up and make your decisions wisely. Some Parents start to dey act anyhow when their kids gets to a certain age and they’re still at home with them. All because of their own feelings and not considering now the children also feels. A lot are in wrong marriages due to this naija pressure. Everything is pressure pressure pressureeee in naija!!!!! Kilodeeee ahhhhh!!!! 😱
DeletePoster do not be angry with your mum because the approach she is using is how she was brought up. This behavior is psychological. Since you desire marriage too, tell her to keep praying. Meanwhile, get busy with other things not just work and church. Look out for good corporate event to attend. Dress well, change environment. Be joyful. Joy attracts positivity. Don't rush into nonsense. You're only 29 not even 49. 49 year olds are still getting married and having their kids.
ReplyDeleteMore reason why her mom shouldn’t force her because psychologically, it fu*cked her up!! A mom should have your back during this phase because the waiting time can sometimes get to you! Na after marriage pesin eye go con clear and say, so this is it? Especially if one marries wrong!!! Because your eyes go see weee. Unless you marry right, then one Will thank God!!!!
DeleteA wholeee one year? Ahhh for her mental sanity, I don’t think she can wait one year o. Instead of mom to be praying for her daughter, she’s rushing and pressuring her habaaaa! Na wa for your mom ooo. Because she found you a job now, she feels like she can talk to you anyhow??? You need to tell her in a stern/assertive but respectful way. Let her know that you also want to settle down but you will NOT rush into meeting just anyhow man that will fcuk you up. Remind her of your aunt and how she pressured her and marriage packed up. Is she in a good marriage with your dad? Because someone in a peaceful marriage will want her daughter to also have a peaceful marriage just like her. Start saving, get a flat mate and move out asap. And after moving out, only pick up her calls whenever you feel like it, because she will continue her marriage rant o we the phone trust me on that. But at least, you can control that. unfortunately your own mom is toxic right now regarding this marriage talk and for your mental sanity reduce the # of calls. And for now, avoid her as much as you can at home. Whenever you get to talk to her and she brings it up, kindly wrap up the call and let her know that you’re not having this conversation and if she continues, you’ll avoid her calls even more and you don’t want to do that because of the love you have for her. Tell her to fast and keep praying for you as you’re also praying/fasting and making efforts in meeting genuine men. It takes wisdom to handle people like your mom and unfortunately you can’t just discard her permanently. However, it is you first before your mother and also, your mental sanity is very important and over time, if she continues these insults, it’ll start to affect your self esteem/self worth, that’s if it’s not already affecting it. Ps: say this to yourself, I am beautiful, I love myself and I am worthy of an awesome man because I know my worth and I deserve a peaceful marriage
ReplyDeleteWill lovely kids and a happy life”. And oh when you eventually marry and have kids(which you will by God’s grace), make sure you make conscious effort in building your kid’s self esteem/confidence and break this mean and vicious cycle your mom is displaying because subconsciously, you may find your self having some of your moms traits/ personality, because you grew up in such toxicity. Goodluck and you’ll find the man for you in Jesus name. Amen.
And poster, please seek a professional therapist to work with you on the traumatic experience you went through with your ex. So that way, you won’t take it out on an innocent man. So you can also freely enjoy sex with your husband without the thought of past pain and hurt. If you can prove this man raped you, you can still report this and let him pay for raping you!!! Im so so sorry you went though this. Ps: does your mom know about the rape? Because a sensitive mother will take it easy on you and take actions on what happened to you. Na real wa for your mom.
ReplyDeleteSee i’m 31,will be 32 in january,my parents have even found a man for me to marry,and some extended families too call every week to ask me when I will get married.You know what I plan to do?by December 31st,I will change my sim and my location,will be the one calling them by myself when I feel like.How much I get for account that they want to push me into depressive of marriage?abeg poster,relocate and keep being available from afar.
ReplyDelete