Stella Dimoko Chronicle Of Blog Visitor Narrative


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Wednesday, January 04, 2023

Chronicle Of Blog Visitor Narrative



Hey bv's This my chronicle ...
It is just me ranting because i feel emotionally exhausted. 

I am from a broken home, the first of 2 children.
 My parents went their separate ways when my brother was 1+ and i was 5+. My father abandoned us for some years after we left before he started looking our way again. 

My brother has always felt guilty for their separation and because of this my brother became a people pleaser, no self esteem at all, daddy abandonment issues and he started doing drugs in secondary school. 

We noticed and checked him into rehab. He got better and came out. He still feels that way and for everytime he starts to feel that way he tells me he feels like running away from all of us and starting somewhere new where no one knows him. 

I'll have to reassure him that feeling that way is not right because we love him and say other things to him to make him feel better. I am sorry to say he is so so weak emotionally.

 I am beginning to get tired of all this reassurance and emotional breakdown. He carries this "victim mentality" everywhere. 

It's tiring having to be the strong one for him and my mum all the time. It's really tiring. I think he is depressed but how can two people who emerged from the same "situation" be totally different emotionally??? 

He is one person who needs constant reassurance... He is just 22, is this how we'll continue? He took this softness and emotional neediness from my mum while i took after my dad's strong will emotions. It is well.

*Hmm this is tough! What was told to him that he feels he is the reason the marriage crashed? You cannot be there for him all the time so if going away to start all over again somewhere else will be good for him then let him go... At 22 he is already an adult and can fend for himself... let him be a man and do what will make him find closure...let him go!


  1. It's well o
    Keep up with the reassurance and don't give up already

    1. Two people can be different because their experiences and thought process is different… (he blames himself and feels pessimistic, while you did not let it define you)

      To the main issue, you will only get drained because you are not equipped with the tools to handle it, you are not a therapist.
      Let him get one, talk things through and do all exercises required of him, with dedication and prayers he will over come.
      I wish you success.

      Push up (original)

    2. Poster he needs to see a therapist (and maybe a psychiatrist), He might have a personality disorder. This is not a result of your parents breaking up though that might have been a tipping point. This isn’t something you can do by yourself as you will burn out and then what happens when you have your kids to take care of?
      Please take him to see a psychotherapist.

  2. Dont let him go, keep loving him please o. With time. he will realise that blood is thicker than water

  3. This is your blood brother and you are already tired of being his strength?if you were in his position and he was in yours,how would you have handled it if the one person that gives you hope,reassurance and strength decides to leave you to your struggles?we need to realize that sometimes,our words of hope are the only reason a lot of people that depend on us are still alive.Continue to encourage him pls.God will give you strength too.

  4. poster is time to let your brother do what will help out of his depressed situation. You cannot be there for him always cos someday you will have your own family. Please let him find closure with new environment and let him be a man.

    He should stop blaming himself for what happened to your parent. Both of them would have worked on their marriage but both are fed up with each other and decided to walk away.

  5. So sad. Please keep praying fir him and don't give up on him. Pray for strength from God for you. This reminds me of Joyce Meyer. Sexually abused by her dad for years, raised in a dysfunctional home along with her younger brother. She turned out to be a world renowned preacher while her brother died in an uncompleted building all alone. Please find strength in listening to the Word of God daily. He too should immerse himself in God,'s Word. Only the Word of God can change him.

    1. Not same pls
      Father did not rape these kids and he also came back to take care of them

      Poster I have a brother that is doing well now and making us proud but there were years of early morning calls and all sorts of drama in between. If he needs to go somewhere away from you guys, then let him. Pick a masters program in a good place abroad or pick a business he can focus on and help him start it. He needs something other than himself to think about. You just be on standby but be sure you’re moving along with your life goals whatever they are

  6. I am not sure where you are located, but maybe having some form of structure and discipline like joining the military may be good for your brother. He is the only male around and boys do well to have a positive male influence in their lives as they grow up. Although your father wasn't around, did he have uncles around who filled in?

    If he grew up hearing bad talking about his father regularly this may have affected him too, as a boy child, worse if he has a strong resemblance to his father.

    I think him moving away is a good idea and he should not be discouraged. He wants to find his place in the world away from everything. Let him go away to school or join the military. Too bad he was not trained in street smarts, but encourage him not to be a ppl pleaser and to get counselling. Let him go with love and support, he is yearning to be his own man.

    1. Their father is around
      Went away but returned

  7. Have you thought about the fact that God made you strong so that your mum and brother can lean on you.

    Like you, I carry the emotional burden of my family, and I do it joyfully. I see it as a calling and have been doing for years. I even thank God that he gave me to my mum because what would happen if it were not so.

    Poster, get up and support your family emotionally like a champ. Do it with love, kindness and compassion. Be selfless about it. You were born for such a time as this, just like Joseph.

  8. Why is your brother punishing himself for another man's sin?
    It's like he is spoilt silly and too idle to be this emotionally weak and annoying.It's not like he was even old enough to experience what led to the separation.
    You've done your best for him,like Stellz said,let him go out there nd hustle,let's see if he will even remember to sulk or be a people pleaser again.keep him busy as it should(9-5).
    Na idleness and being a mummy's boy dey cause this one sha.

    1. No no
      You don’t understand this issue well
      Just leave it

    2. I gave my advice based on how much she put out,and I stand by it.

  9. Either you or your mother gave the impression he was responsible for the separation. Words have consequences, possibly he stopped growing emotionally at a very early because of what he heard or how he was treated. You want to abandone your brother? To achieve what exactly. Counselling by a qualified psychologist is an option . Not a single word about what your parents has done to help him. Guilt don't just creep in, somebody planted the guilt there. Healing starts from knowing what was said, proving to him definitively that the separation wasn't his fault. Allowing him to go will complicate issues and suicide may be the outcome. You will blame your self for the rest of your life. Go care for your brother and stop looking for ways to opt out.

    1. Your family is not the only voice in your head
      Friends says things
      Your mind can cook up condemnation too

  10. Send him books, audios, videos on courage, love, etc. It can be biblical materials or otherwise, but make sure they are things that will uplift him.
    Encourage him to listen to these often and also have regular discussions about them. With time his mindset and outlook on life will start charging and he will be better able to cope on his own.
    Also see if you can influence him to drop his negative minded friends and stick with only people with positive vibes.
    All the best.

  11. Please do all you can to help him get that feeling off him, he is still young so might not understand alot but with help he will grow out of it... Going somewhere else might also mean he might want to harm himself...Please reassure him always and maybe get a matured man in your family to talk sense into him... No two persons are same and react same way to issues of life , understand? Just be patient with him ok...

  12. Poster, do not let him go, if you let him go, it might be worse. Don't leave him to face his struggles alone. Be there for him with words of encouragement.

    You or your mum might have said something that made him lose his self esteem. Does your mum acts like she loves you more than him? Little things like this can make him go extremely depressed. Do not judge him or say hurtful things that will make him hate the family more. Believe me, I can relate with him.

    Yes, you might not be there always but do check up on him with calls and messages everyday till everything is okay.

    Do not be tired poster, God is your strength.

  13. Introduce him to Jesus Christ. Encourage him to love God and study His word, the re assurances will come from God and not you again.

  14. Take the pains to ask your parents what caused the separation. I am sorry, I have the feeling your kid brother is doubting his parental, I have seen this before.

  15. Hi Poster,

    Felt compelled to respond instead of just reading and passing.

    How can two people who emerged from the same "situation" be totally different emotionally??? - no 2 people are the same and even one person is not the same at two different point in their lives. For kids, being 5 and 1 at the time of the separation make a world of difference. For the 5 years, he/she had lived in a 2 parent house household for 5 years plus and built a sense of self and awareness in such an environment. For the one-year-old, he basically came into self-awareness and cognition in a broken home. The messages the circumstance of a child’s birth and subsequent events passes a message to them and say a lot about how they view self-going forward. Besides, every single person on earth has different emotional, psychological, love and safety needs. So , you emerged from the same "situation" to be totally different emotionally because you are different people with different biology and needs. . It appears the same line that drew between the personalities of your mom and dad is also drawing between you and your brother.
    Having said that, you are not compelled to care for your brother or to be his pillar and counsellor into adulthood if it also causes harm to your mental health. You cannot be compelled to keep giving of yourself if you yourself are also exhausted. There are several options available for you here - one is to lean on him hard and ask for emotional support yourself with hope his love for you helps him transcend himself while you get a break and recharge. Second is to seek medical attention for him again – general practitioner and shrink working in tandem to help him figure out our the biological and psychological needs. The ‘father wound’ shows up as codependency, people pleasing amongst others. Point him to resources that can help him understand his particular type of ‘father wound’ and how to heal from it. Third is to set boundaries and be clear on how you can support him on his journey with the full reassurance that your love for him does and will not waver and you fully love and accept him.

    Hope all these helps and hope you also get a break yourself. Going though family trauma is never easy. Some people are more resilient than other but you both deserve a big hug and all the love your heart can hold. Sending you prayers for healing and restorations.

  16. If I were you, I will keep reassuring him but won't stop him from going if he really wants to.
    22 years is old enough to live his life and start trying out what's best for him and avoiding what's not. If you continue stopping him, there might come to a point where he would start resenting you.

    Let him go if he wants to. Let him experience life and make his own decisions. Let him be a man. You can't cage him forever.
    Remember that if you continue stopping him and he fails in life, he will put all the blame on you.
    Keep giving him all the support he needs but don't interfere so much on his decision or it will backfire.

  17. Why does your brother feel he's the cause for your parents separation? This is the first step in trying to help him. Your mother has a role to play in this too. She should try and let him know their issues have nothing to do with him

    1. Gbam. As in why would that type of burden be on him?? Wetin mama tell him gan gan? Make dem start from there. And he should get professional help asap!

  18. With time,he will get over it.draw him closer to God.sharing the word with him always.

  19. If drugs will provide him with the life he wants so be it. He is an adult besides y is he feeling he is the cause of your parent's marital crisis? Just let him know the negative effect of drugs. Besides, leave him alone and let him start afresh.

  20. My dear you have pampered him enough. It's time to tell him the truth. Life is not for the faint hearted. Ask him to stand up and face realities. Most times what some people need is iron hand. Spoil the rod and spare the child.

  21. " I think he is depressed but how can two people who emerged from the same "situation" be totally different emotionally???"

    What kind of question is this? Does this even make sense to you as an adult? Even twins born at the same time, are they the same?
    I said are they the same?
    How are we sure you are not even the problem, using an excessive strong hand on him? Not everyone will have heart of stone and show zero emotion.

    That is what family is about, good times and bad times.

  22. Please no matter what happens and decision you might take, never you abandon him nor let him go, you might not set your eyes on him again if you let him go.

    Mummy Anthony-Clever

  23. You don't need to be around him reassuring him, remember him your prayers let God guide his steps

  24. Poster,your brother needs a therapist,u cannot always be there,don't let him go,he needs people like you and your mum around him too and he also needs prayer.Av heard of someone that was left alone who committed suicide cause no one knows the root of his problem,until he died,the family members who knew of his predicament from childhood started blaming themselves for not following him up.To avoid blaming yourself later,don't let him go............ Josaria

  25. Why won’t she get tired??? The person they’re trying to help is not even making effort to better himself. She’s not a licensed therapist so this obviously starting to affect her mental health. He’s 22 years old for goodness sake. He’s no longer a baby. It’s time to take charge. If he needs to leave and start his life somewhere, that might kickstart his healing process actually. They should just make sure they know his location so they can check on him once in a while. At the end of the day, poster will get married and her new focus will be on her immediate family. They should both go for counseling self including their mom. Abandonment is not an easy thing to deal with. Me wey my papa and mama no abandon me also struggled with my own mental health in my younger years because they were not nurturing. Every time beating and yelling and controlling. I craved for a man’s love in the wrong places. Had to get professional help and prayed for myself as well. thank God I’m doing much much better. A lot of us have child hood trauma based on our upbringing. No parent is perfect so I forgave my parents after expressing my mind to them. Maybe poster and her brother should try and speak with their dad about how leaving them negatively affected them so they can start their healing process. Or better still, get a therapist to help jump start the process. May God heal your family poster.

  26. Poster, I feel for you, your mum and your brother. What your brother needs is a therapist!! You cant get any help here because only people who have walked the shoes of emotional damage or experts can relate to what you're saying. Disregard many of the things u will read here, I beg you! It will only make things worse! Go to a professional if you really want to help him. At 22 he may technically be an adult but that's a very young adult. He has also been into drugs before so if you push him away there's a chance he may go back on that route and I promise you, none of the ppl telling u to "let him go" will wipe your tears and guilt when things get worse. Go where first of all sef?
    Please lead him to a specialist and i advise you also see one too. People who are 'strong' who carry the burdens of others are human too and you seem like you're getting overwhelmed. Help is out there. Take it. I pray for healing for all of you.
    PS: this is your only sibling. Depression is what leads to suicide. Toh.

  27. Lol a 22 year old is hardly an adult. Also when someone is depressed, you dont chase them away to be alone. That is you playing with fire. But you are very correct about seeking seeking a therapist. All of them infact. He needs pro health, not to be left alone. I have been depressed before and having people around is what kept me going. A person crying for help is a person in need of help, not a person to abandon.

  28. Don't give up please.


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