Stella Dimoko Korkus.com: CHRONICLE OF A MARRIED MAN

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Friday, September 22, 2023

CHRONICLE OF A MARRIED MAN

Some people carry scars from childhood..... Are you one of those`Please read this!

I hate cutting my toothpaste into half when it stops dispensing, same thing with body cream and other toiletries. When we newly married, my wife didn't understand when I told her to stop cutting the toothpaste pack, she would tell me it's advisable to destroy it, that way, counterfeiters would not be able to make use of it. I would tell her to destroy through other methods.


Later in marriage, I started opening up to her about my childhood traumas.
After my mum left and dad remarried. My step mum made us live like paupers, especially when dad goes on a business trip.
Toothpaste would finish, she won't buy. We were below 10yrs. After fellow kids laugh at us for our smelling mouths, we would search people's backyards and dustbins for used toothpaste packs, cut them and scrape them for use.
This is why I hate cutting the pack today.

No enough food for us too back then, sometimes we would go to where there is a party going on and search for leftover foods. In some of the food packs, we would see sputum spat into the food, chewed bones, etc.
We would go from house to house asking if they want us to help them with any chore, just so we can eat. In our teenage years, we would work on people's farms in order to pay school fees, government school fees of #200.

Today, when I see kids doing all sorts of odd jobs, I feel sad. I pray I live long, none of my kids will go through that by God's grace.

Parents, I'm not saying you should not go your separate ways if the center can no longer hold, separate from each other but your kids should not suffer as a result. If you remarry either as man or as a woman, make sure your kids are not suffering in the hands of your new spouse or in any home they find themselves.
We see step dads compromising their step daughters, step mums maltreating their step kids, treating them less than humans, etc. This results in damaged adults. Some of us walk around with so much pain everyday, suppressed in order not to cause havoc.

If you are reading this and you experienced hell as a kid. What helps me was that I opened up to my wife. This made her to understand me when I exhibit some traits like:

1: Withdrawing into my shell on some days, I would go quiet and keep to myself on such episodes. She would let me be.

2: Not wanting to talk to either my dad or my mum when they call sometimes. When I ignore their calls, they would call her and she would tell them I am busy. She won't scold me for doing what I did and she won't out me when they call her.

3: Getting seriously angry when food is wasted. I hate it when food is wasted in the house out of mismanagement or negligence, like stored food going bad or excess food thrown away. I usually remember how we suffered as kids to get food.

I'm sure some people exhibit some other traits that I don't know but those are the ones I exhibit once in a while. I have worked on myself and still working on myself. I restrain myself from going aboard when such moments surface by telling myself that they are all in the past, I should not let my past to kill the good in the present and in the future.

Love and light to all of you out there.

30 comments:

  1. So sorry for what you went through as a child. You have an understanding wife.

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    1. Thank God for your marriage. It is good you are able to open up to your spouse and she understands. That is how it should be. Good you are working on things. Thanks for sharing.

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    2. Life no balance but there is balance in God

      Mao Akuh

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  2. This is a painful past, my mum died, we were kids then and didn't even understand what death means until the suffering from step mum started😭 jesus... We went to look for our mother 3years after her death, asking people of they knew where she went, they told us we will never never see her again, that was the worst day of my life, oh we cried that day... I almost marry a widower, just because I want to proof that I can be a better step mum, I don't know if these pains will ever go, but I'm living through them.

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    1. Awwww....... Thanks for sharing.

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    2. May God grant you total healing πŸ™

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    3. Awwwwww,,, this brought out a tear!! I am so so sorry hon! Same thing happened to me and my elder sister,, we were told our Dad went to war, each time the siren 🚨 announces soldiers return we would be at the front line with home made kites πŸͺ in our hands waiting to see our dad return , we did that for years until his twin brother opened up to us that our dad cannot come back from the war he went to, that when we grow older we will understand.. because of that one of my siblings wanted to sign up for the army so he can go bring back dad!!!

      Very innocent us then, each time I see men in uniform till date I remember my dad and wished i knew him more!!

      Ms K.

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    4. Mrs Sharon so for your experience.
      The writer may God heal you.
      The most complex B

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    5. Sorry for all your pains Mrs Sharon
      The most complex B

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    6. Oh Mrs Sharon, tears 😭😭😭
      Young kids who don't understand death went looking for their mum as a result of suffering only to be told they will never see her again, I picture you and your siblings weeping and I can't hold back the tears.

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  3. Love and light to you too. Thank God you are in a better place now. One time my ex told me his childhood trauma but rather than made him not to allow such repeat to his kids he abandoned them just to spite me. Sometimes i wonder what life lesson he learnt from all the struggles he had growing up.

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    1. Same here. He is doing the same thing. I just told him it is ancestral curse because he is repeating the same mistakes his father made.

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  4. Sorry for your past experience
    Quite painful. Please don't let it absorb you. Be strong πŸ’ͺ

    You sure do have an understanding wife

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  5. My own was unnecessary management in the midst of plenty, my parents were together oh, no issues there but once they've provided the basics: a very nice house, good schools, food at home, anything else was considered as not necessary. I started learning how to plait hair from primary school, my mother can plait one hair for you and expect you to carry that hair the whole term, she can slap you if you say you want the make your hair outside and pay.

    We don't go for parties or birthdays, we don't do this and we don't do that, just to ensure none of them have to spend money they considered unnecessary. I remember my friends visiting my really nice house and asking why I never make my hair or have nice clothes, I didn't even know what to answer. In university, I was known for the few clothes I had, till my sister started working and supplementing me a bit.

    The results: my younger sister was doing runs throughout her university days, me that doesn't have grace for runs managed till it got better. I later realised that this is financial abuse. I'm fiercely independent. I knew as early as secondary school that I can NEVER be a housewife and see round 2 of what I was seeing then, I'm also extremely irritated with people that have too many children, I feel if they stopped at a lesser number, It won't have been so bad. I will definitely do better with my family.

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    1. My story is somewhat similar to urs. Infact vry similar, though we gor extras like a nice phone, car in the uni and clothes in the uni too. But our stories are vry similar. Me too i dnt like seeing ppl wt many kids. Married for 10yrs and i have 2, with this ur story, i’m just realising that it’s part of my childhood trauma, cos my mon had 7 and from my dad, we r over 20, so i felt most of our prblms are cos of our number.

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    2. Anon 15:08, if you had a car in university, phones and nice clothes, it wasn't financial abuse na, maybe emotional neglect cos they couldn't effectively manage their 20 children. My mother never bought pad, we had to use wrapper pieces except you are going back to boarding school or university then she will buy, everything manage..manage..

      They were so focused on projects which is good, invest well but also take care of other aspects. Live a balanced life bearing in mind that you are creating positive or negative memories for your children and also setting up patterns that may be helpful or destructive to them in future. It's not okay that people know your child as that poor girl when you are quite comfortable, like upper middle class level.

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  6. At least it was your step mother...

    Mine was my own mother. She hates me and makes me feel like a stranger in my own parents home. What about the gossips, lies and malice... I didn't realize it on time, because when my Dad was alive, I was always top in my class and he always showed my results to his friends. Looking back now, I think the envy and hatred started then but it was covert. I went to live with a relative after the death of my father. Those ones abused me emotionally and psychologically. They called me witch, treat me with spite and suspicion. When I eventually got admission, they threw me out of their house because they couldn't contain their envy, that despite all they did to me I was still making progress. Another relative sponsored me through school and I came out in flying colours. I went to stay with my mother after life happened to me(I lost my job and things became unbearable). I had to relocate back home. My mother started treating me like the others immediate I came. This was the same person I told all that happened to me in the hands of our relatives, yet she did to me even worse. It broke me and I have vow never to have anything to do with her.
    Having embarked on self discovery, I realized that I have internalize abuse and accepted it as my reality. I had to set clear boundaries and stand up for myself. People will use and abuse you if you allow them and make yourself available. I'm still healing but more SELF-AWARED. I love myself fiercely and selfish with my self-care routine. This time, I put myself first.

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  7. Please have a talk with your parents about what you went through growing up now they’re still alive, let them know how you felt and it’s effect on you now. That’s the only way you can completely heal from this trauma. Speak out and be healed. Telling your wife is not enough, tell the people that caused you pain so they can tell you their side of the story and if possible apologize to you. Have a chat with your step mum too if possible if not, talk to your father and mother. May God heal you completely.

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    1. Gbam. This is exactly what I did.
      Sat my parents down, broke down in tears about my childhood experiences growing in their home. They listened and deeply apologized even though it was so hard for them sitting in that uncomfortable conversation. I felt so much better afterwards and I’m able to relate much better with them!

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    2. I and my sibling sat my father down too this year he was defensive but tried to understand. It’s he classic case of the good child being neglected and the bad child getting all the attention: I am a very stress free high achiever so everybody overlooked me! To date I don’t like celebrating anything. I married a financially unstable person probably becsuse he celebrated me and likes to see me achieve high… I kind of regret it!!! I never asked for much as a result I wasn’t given much. I asked for a specific card when I completed law school: didn’t get it. I’m stuck doing so much alone it hurts

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  8. Sorry for what you went throug. Some step mum's are just naturally wicked.

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  9. glad to know you are working through your issues...that is why when some nigerians open their stupid mouth to insult people who talk about their mental health because of things they have been through it gets me so angry...yes some other persons who are now doing well might not have such challenges but dont shut down people who do. things affect people differently.....anyway as for me i earn about 1.2M monthly and i still cut open any tube cream or cosmetic cos trust me you still have like a week or 2 supplies in them..some flexible ones can get everything out but not all...I grew up middle class so it is not about poverty, i just hate that all that should go to waste cos you can never get all squeezed out regularly..

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    1. Even me I use to cut paste or cream so that it doesn't go to waste, my children have started doing it too, they make sure it's totally finished before they go and collect a new one 🀣🀣🀣

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  10. My GodπŸ˜”
    So sorry to hear about all you went through and I thank God that you are healing, may it be complete.

    I am always trumatised when I see kids suffering for food and that is why I am ready to do any legitimate work to make sure mine doesn't suffer.

    May God send helpers to children going through bad situations in Jesus mighty name Amen.

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  11. This is so sad. God bless you poster. We don't look like what we have been through.

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  12. This is the lot of many people - childhood trauma.

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  13. I am sorry for what you you went through in your fo the formative years. My advice to you is simply let go. Forgive your Father and your step mum.
    However, something I want to make clear is that no step mum malteats her step children without the tacit support and knowledge of the father. You can't tell me your father did not perceive your bad breath, malnourished looks, dirtiness, and that people in the neighborhood did not intimate him of how you the kids do menial jobs for the for a fee, what did he do about it?
    Most fathers when they divorce.their wives transfer all the hate for their ex on her children, believing that in that way the woman will have nothing to benefit from the children in future. Some even go as far as refusing to educate the children.so that they don't become something in future and be in a position to provide for their mother.
    Let go off the hurt in your, always thank God you survived all I'll treatments metted out to you, and today can stand as a man of his own. I advise.you as one we suffered the worst form of hate, abuses from her father which the wives perceived and also followed the same pattern. You can imagine a university lecturer who refused to send his ex wife's children beyond secondary school, saw feeding us his children as privilege not his responsibility, his favourite punishment was to starve us of food and send us out of the house. Infact, the whole university environment knew about my siblings and I predicament, but the hatred my father had for our mother and by extension us, was more than any embarrassment or shame our predicament is bringing to him.
    But today, through God and self determination, I and my siblings(from my mum) are all graduate, although he our father didn't live to see this happen because he died 3years after he sent us packing from his house with the support of his then wife our steps mum who eventually maltreated him to death. The outcome of the step mum... I will live that part out incase there are blog visitors who can decide my identity if I spill all out.

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  14. You are not alone sir, after dad's death, it was a horrific and horrible journey. The trauma still lingers till today. Hmmmmm

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  15. Childhood traumas abound all over the world. Parents pls let's do better. Let's leave good memories on the minds of these young hearts. Some memories make me shed tears. Mum and I are not close, we don't have that mother daughter relationship and I'm the only daughter. She transferred to us the hatred she had for dad who was very irresponsible. Dad was sleeping around, a drunkard, did not provide in the home, yet mum remained with him and was always angry, treating us badly as a result. Now I don't even have feelings for anyone as a married woman with kids and a loving husband. I treat my kids well and provide for them together with my hubby but that real love is not there. I don't feel it for hubby. I am wired to play safe in case he messes up in future, I won't end up like mum. I will just leave without bitterness and everyone will be fine.

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