BOYFRIEND WITH BAGGAGE
When I started dating my boyfriend I realized every expense in their family house falls on his shoulders, he sends money for everything including the least of things like salt.His mum is late, his dad(retired), 2 sisters who both work and earn over 100k each and 2 cousins stay in the house but they don't contribute anything at all.
This guy works but he doesn't live like someone that works, few good clothes, 1 good shoe, 1 good slipper, every other thing is worn out and he is squatting with a friend because he can't seem to gather money and do something tangible for himself because the requests keep rolling in even from relatives.
He earns between 350-400k monthly but there is nothing to show for it because he puts every other person's needs before his needs. He meets my needs too, all I have to do is ask but I try not to be an ask ask because I work too.
He is talking marriage, I love him and I don't mind settling with him but this issue is bothering me. The other day we were together when his uncle called to ask him for money, he didn't have at that point because he lets me know when he has or not.
He was going to say I'll look for and send but I told him to say he doesn't have, he said it and his uncle said "since you started dating your girlfriend, you've become stingy with money" then he ended the call.
I have had conversations with my boyfriend about this issue, he said he was trained to provide for everyone around him that's why he doesn't say No, if they ask and he doesn't have, he'll go and look for and send even if it means borrowing.
This is really bothering me because if God wills it and we eventually settle down, he'll have to cut down a lot of things he does for them except his finances increase, his main focus will be on providing for his wife and the kids that will come, I hope his people will not start saying I am the one stopping their brother from taking care of them?
2 months ago I made him start remitting some money to my account for saving, He has a little bit over 230k with me as I type this and I am so happy for him and I am making him realize putting himself first is a priority.
Stella I am not sure if this fits as a chronicle.if it doe, then please post. Thank you
This guy works but he doesn't live like someone that works, few good clothes, 1 good shoe, 1 good slipper, every other thing is worn out and he is squatting with a friend because he can't seem to gather money and do something tangible for himself because the requests keep rolling in even from relatives.
He earns between 350-400k monthly but there is nothing to show for it because he puts every other person's needs before his needs. He meets my needs too, all I have to do is ask but I try not to be an ask ask because I work too.
He is talking marriage, I love him and I don't mind settling with him but this issue is bothering me. The other day we were together when his uncle called to ask him for money, he didn't have at that point because he lets me know when he has or not.
He was going to say I'll look for and send but I told him to say he doesn't have, he said it and his uncle said "since you started dating your girlfriend, you've become stingy with money" then he ended the call.
I have had conversations with my boyfriend about this issue, he said he was trained to provide for everyone around him that's why he doesn't say No, if they ask and he doesn't have, he'll go and look for and send even if it means borrowing.
This is really bothering me because if God wills it and we eventually settle down, he'll have to cut down a lot of things he does for them except his finances increase, his main focus will be on providing for his wife and the kids that will come, I hope his people will not start saying I am the one stopping their brother from taking care of them?
2 months ago I made him start remitting some money to my account for saving, He has a little bit over 230k with me as I type this and I am so happy for him and I am making him realize putting himself first is a priority.
Stella I am not sure if this fits as a chronicle.if it doe, then please post. Thank you
Hmmmm.... you have tried but you will have problems if he stops doing everything he used to do for them and they might even go spiritual on you.....The luggage this man is carrying is too much oh
With all these that you listed, the love will not be enough oh...
Think well before you marry this man
He should learn to put himself FIRST. If something bad happens to him (God forbid), they won't remember him, and all he did for them.
ReplyDeletePoster run oh. I have been married to one for 13 years and there is no end to it. Imagine someone collecting the amount quoted 10 years ago, yet he has nothing to show for it.
DeleteA friend in University once said, she would never marry a man whose family is less well to do than hers. Back then, I felt she was being arrogant and proud but my dear friend had seen it all.
The truth is people like that will never change or see anything wrong with short changing themselves to please family.
Please tell him that if tomorrow they don’t see him, they will adjust and move on. Chances that they will remember him might be slim. He needs to start first by reducing the amount he sends to anyone. For his sisters, he should have a meeting with them and agree to an amount that everyone will be dropping monthly. If he drops 50k, they should squeeze out 20k each.
DeleteHe shouldn’t give himself HBP over people that rarely cares. As for extended family, if they ask for 10k, he can say he has 3-4K available and can’t do more because of the country is really hard.
If you don’t intend staying with him, sha let him know the truth. If you don’t complain, the next lady will and might even turn it to something else for the family.
Poster works but ask before marriage. Family (especially father who does not work) in need should not ask.
DeleteOkay. Best wishes, Poster
Poster, I’m married to a family breadwinner and I tell you, it is hard oh! I was just telling my mum last week that if I knew that he would be breadwinner like this, I for no marry am. I never prepared to be married to someone like this because this same issue spoilt my parents marriage, my father was family breadwinner.
DeleteYou are just like an Angel sent to redeem him from the clutches.
ReplyDeletePlease stick with him and let him know that he has to plan towards himself and cut down on the way he send money to his people.
Always ask him to remit like 250k a month to you immediately his salary comes in.
DOZZYBEST.
They have already started accusing you so prepare for war. Why would you even be the one to tell him to say no, is he a tata? And for his uncle to directly accuse you means you’ve been controlling him or he has been telling them something about you. Just prepare for war simple
ReplyDeleteFan Emmanuel
you always comment like you dont have sense...like she is controlling him how? does he need to say anything? if you were giving 3 people money and now add 4 will their ration not reduce? so he does not need to tell them anything cos they will just automatically think the girlfriend is the reason for their rations reducing....poster DO NOT MARRY THAT MAN
DeleteIf he's talking marriage, tell him to go rent an apartment and furnish it to your taste first before discussing marriage.
ReplyDeleteStart from there.
Someone that's still living with his friend should get himself an apartment before discussing marriage.
U will become enemy with his family members..
ReplyDeleteIn as much as u want him to become something in life I'm scared for urs, this people are dependant on him, so they will come after u.. He has stand his ground like a man if not... Hmmm
I totally agree with stella...I'm married to such a man & his mother says her God will judge me & the stupid sisters say I'm a witch...after renting a house for them....they requested for phone...and he shouted "he can't kill himself" they waited days later & called all the way from Lagos that gas has finished
ReplyDeleteLoools...very shameless people with jobs who can't do an
anything for themselves...you better run
If everybody run who go stand? Every small thing run. Mtcheew
DeleteThis is an issue that can be tackled besides that's one of the reasons she sent it in as a chronicle.
If to say you run, you for marry your husband?
Don't mind stupid sisters-in-law. They won't respect themselves. Asking for money and also telling me to come and cook for their children's wedding. I kuku didn't travel to cook. How can you tell a nursing mother with older children to travel to Osun state from Ogun state all because of cooking? We are now enemies. Them say because I go school, na them sabi ooo
DeleteIt's not easy , i am also in similar issue, poster I would advise you waka o because this kind of men when you marry them will not be open to you again when it comes to money spent for his family. They could build a house for family without you guys having built your own house. Think and pray before you say yes. It's not all the people you help you marry
DeleteNa so oo. Its better not to start what one cannot finish
DeleteExactly 16:22..they use that school thing a lot...they are so envious and jealous...poor things
Delete17.09 truly, the man will stop being open about how much he spends on his family, meanwhile he will be crying to the wife that he doesn’t have money.
DeleteMy husband makes sooo much money, like an insane amount of money but he barely has savings or investments. Everytime he is complaining that all his hardwork is for other people. I ask who are these other people, because I know how much you spend on us your immediate family doesn’t begin to scratch the surface of what you make. He will be looking at me. I just pray that God will give him sense.
Poster please think very well oh...You need a good woman with a good head on your shoulders....Your man is not ready at all even with the black tax heavy on him......Squatting with a friend instead of having his own small apartment...Your guy is not ready to settle down at all....
ReplyDeleteTell him to play reverse psychology on those he gives money; let him tell them he is broke and if he can borrow money from them...Let me see who go give am money......
The funniest thing is these people he is giving money like water; may have enough on them but because of greed and your guy has decided to be the sacrificial lamb....
Tell him that he cannot solve family problems and he will still end up despised by the very same people he is helping today...I just hope he does not end up with heartbreak and pain....
Poster abeg look before you leap oh....Your guy is stuck in doing Father Christmas....
All the best...
I hope they do not drag you for this because I totally get where u are coming from. This kind of person will continually earn and have nothing to show for it at the end of the day.
ReplyDeleteI will advise you to tell him (seems he listens to you) to place his family expenses on a specific allowance. He should have a specific amount he sends home (that he can comfortably afford) and then once they exhaust that, they have to wait till the next month.
This way, he is still providing as much as he can for his family while still having enough to cater to his immediate family.
I also hope u are ready to add part of ur income to the running of the home once u people get married.
Eka this is the reason why my father's step brother and sisters hate my late mother. My father was providing for them even got his step brother job in the ministry of works. They wanted to live in Lagos with my dad forever,but when my dad married my mother everything changed. My Dad told them I am married now and responsible for my immediate family na there war start. My father's 2 step sisters are not married today they are in their late 50"s neither do they work
Deleteno children and they blame my late mother. My father's step brother has retired to the village he still blames my mother for not allowing him stay with my dad. He has never married or have children na now he wants us to be his children and provide for him. My parents are late now so he mounts pressure on us to help him after he hated on my mother till she died. Does he know how I grew up or how we survived after our father's death.??? Poster I can relate to this your chronicle very well. Help him to develop himself BUTget ready for war and make sure he understands what you are doing for him otherwise he will throw you under the bus ooo.
Add?
DeletePerson who is asking and collecting as girlfriend?
Poster, the truth is you might have problem with the family since he is their cash cow. Once he marries , reality will set in and the finance that used to be enough to the extent of giving so much out, he will be surprised it might no longer be enough to cater for his immediate family let alone extended family. If paraventure money stop flowing as it used to, the family won't believe you don't have a hand in it, you will be termed as being bad. He needs to learn to say No in a subtle way to the demands of others and prioritize his own needs.
ReplyDeletePray seriously about this that God should lead you to make the right choice. This is a serious matter.
WOMEN!
ReplyDeleteProviding for you is okay..
Saving his money with you is okay too..
But sending his blood is a problem..
You try well well
Ina akogheri ka
DeleteOga de reason at times na. Person wen e de earn 350k de squat no get problem ba? Don't allow your need to prove your hatred for women cloud your judgement.
DeleteWho go marry you go suffer ehhnn
DeleteWalai! na today i no sey Dante no get sense. At times try to dey smell the words you utter.
DeleteThere is trust between us Dante that's why he is ohk saving his money with me.
DeleteSomething an untrustworthy person like you cannot relate to.
I only ask him because I want to be sure my boyfriend is a provider and can provide for me. I am doing well for myself, I have a job and I own a business and I also earn the same range as him.
DeleteI have investments,he doesn't have any investments that's why I am stepping in and worried for him.
There should be a balance, balance between family and himself. that's all I want for him.
You act like you know it all, deep down you know nothing.
Even the boyfriend's savings with her is for the both of them as rent or money for marriage ceremonies.
DeleteDoes a woman ever help a man save for his sole benefit?
Poster, read the advisory by Eka Joy in this post. If you and your boyfriend cannot do that, please leave him as you found him. When he finds himself, he will find his wife.
Poster,he has told you about himself without mincing words. It's either you continue the relationship or you port. He's the messiah of his family. 🙄🙄🙄
ReplyDeleteHow do you know his sisters and cousins are not adding anything..
ReplyDeleteSee mouth..
Exactly my thoughts,you work yet he takes care of your bills,you don't have a problem with that, I'm sure you are an Igbo woman,I have a sister in-law,ma Stella this story is for another day, please let him take care of his age father now that's alive, hope you will still write this chronicle if reverse is the case... I'm a woman like you.
DeleteNothing wrong with him taking care of his extended family. They are his blood. Take care of your own extended family too. He will also take care of you. Everybody will be alright. It's called mutual benefit . Nothing wrong with him helping your own family and Nothing with you helping his own family. That's why the union exists in the first place. If you can help just help .
DeleteMoreso if he leaves in the same family house with his sisters,he should leave and get his own apartment to avoid this undue burden and for respect especially when he is trying to settle down. Even bible said a man must leave his father and mother and be united with his wife.
ReplyDeleteLives*
DeleteOmo B, he was living in their family house before we started dating. A month after we started dating I told him it wasn't cool for a man his age to still be living in family house, so he moved to a friend's place. The plan was too stay there for 1-2 months highest but he is still there.
DeleteOnce his money with me gets to 400k, I'll make sure he gets a place.
Sometimes I feel like I am doing too much Sha, I just hope I am not.
350-400k that is enough to live a fairly good life as a single person is what uncle is using to do bonanza ontop siblings that are working and earning their own money, issokay. End time Messiah.
ReplyDeleteBetter get brain and keep out of family matters and face yours ?if they don't train him ,you won't see him to marry and now because you want him to marry you ,you want to turn him against his family ,if you are not comfortable with his ways of life ,look for ànother person ,you are wicjed
ReplyDeleteGoke na you dey talk like this haba! So he should continue providing for 2 sisters and 2 cousins? His father is okay to provide for after all he is retired. He should be collecting his pension.
DeleteYou sound like a user that's why you don't see anything wrong with this at all.
DeleteI don't care if we end up together or not, the whole situation just doesn't sit well with me.
Take care of family and also take care of yourself. It is supposed to be balanced.
Poster then look for another person if you are not comfortable with this setting. It isn't by force. You came here to seek opinion which people are giving you. You must not marry him. Look for another person if you are not comfortable. This life is simple people must complicate it.
DeleteMarry him
ReplyDeleteHe’s a good guy
And he’s already listening to you sef. You have helped him save
There are plenty like this in our country but men and women
His will we run from ourselves
The only person he should be responsible for is his father any other person should sort themselves
ReplyDeleteI know you have good intentions for your guy but the statement his Uncle made should make you think twice. Those village people should not be toiled with.
ReplyDeleteToyed
DeleteIf he will agree with you, let him go for leave and pretend to his family that he lost his job. Or better still ask them for financial help, and see who will be there for him.
ReplyDeletePeople only respect money and not you. Once you have money, you will command plenty respect but let reverse be the case, they will all run away.
If you agree to marry him, just be prepared to face both physical and spiritual war.
Up vote
DeleteOr he should tell them, his salary was cut into half and was demoted instead of being sacked because of the economy.
DeleteOnce in a while ask your siblings for urgent 20k here and there after some months they will leave him. That his uncle asking, doesn't he have children???
Poster, you can help this man, even if you don't eventually marry. By the way his relatives are selfish and don't care about him.
Good idea. Nice one
DeleteYour BF nah Mr Do Good oooo
ReplyDeleteAs he done start am allow am make he finish wetin he start ooo..
See The Uncle now is blaming him that since he got his Girlfriend he has Change
Shabi you dey see wetin dey happen Korokoro
So Sis If you Like Use ya head carry Wahala wan no dey Finish
I wish You Well 🙏🙏
Hello iya Boys
Let him start saying no to some of their demands now or cut down in the amount they requested for. If he continues like this he may not amount to anything in life. That same family will disappoint and disgrace him in his time of need.
ReplyDeleteYou didn't lie it happened to me
DeleteAs long as you don't stop him from providing for his retired father,As for the others , He can still help in his little way, but he should be wiser and learn how to say No.
ReplyDeleteAll I know is I won't marry him, even if he gives them all after marrying you, they'll still be eyeing the little he gives you or even the ones you used your money to buy.
ReplyDeleteHe has to free himself first before even dating anyone talkless of marriage, if not na mfm go be your second home
Poster run oooo abeg, bread winners are usually the family's cash cow and don't mind collecting from the wife, some baba omo get money but he no dey spend am he can't even sell any of his numerous properties for his children to Japa. All the children had to seek hep outside
ReplyDeleteGod put you in his life to fill this gap. Even if did not end in marriage, you will have fulfilled your purpose in his life.
ReplyDeleteI am in this situation your boyfriend is in and all I always pray for is that God continues to provide for me to be able to bless the people that depend on me. It’s not easy and can be drain one’s finances for people that don’t know how to say no like us. So think about it properly before you commit to the relationship cos it won’t end o. I’m still sending money to graduates because there’s nothing for them to do. This very issue causes problems between couples cos it leaves one person looking like a fool when the other person is sending most of their income to family and the other person is using his or hers to take care of the bills.
ReplyDeleteyou need to sit him down and have a deep discussion on the way forward. You cannot tell him to completely stop assisting his family members because you cannot understand what he has been doing or their relationship before you came into the picture.
ReplyDeleteYou need to tell him the truth, tell him the benefits of having savings, teach him the benefit or having his own apartment than squatting with a friend. The money he is remitting to you, how sure are you that you will not have urgent need and touch that money? Please let him open an account and set a standing instruction that once his salary comes in, a certain amount should be transferred to that new account. That way he get his money in another account. No use of ATM, Mobile App, just email. The account should be place on hold till he has gather money to rent a house and marry before the restriction can be lifted.
You should allow your man to make his stand at the moment before you both get married else you will become their enemy. If you become their enemy that marriage will be bitter no matter his wealth or love towards you. Please use wisdom to deal with your may, you need prayers and get him book that can help him take decisions. Do not impose any thing on him but rather show him the benefits, uses, advantages why you want him to cutdown on his expenditure on his family and focus more on himself. Please do not be selfish so that he will not misunderstand you.
Stop interfering in his decision with his uncle, sisters or anyone asking him for help. He should be able to learn how to say nope when he does not have and give the little he has. 300 to 400k is someone's yearly salary with children and your man is not able to save up to 200k as a single guy. When he is a phone with anyone just allow him to take decisions before someday he will say you are the one controlling him. Be patient with him cos it will never be easy for him to change.
As a mother am grateful that I was able to make my children be responsible for themselves without depending on any family or relatives. They worked hard to take care of their personal needs ,also they support themselves as a siblings. For those in the school I took care of their education and pocket money but their seniors will also support them with any amount they could afford. I will not for force them to do my own part. We are not perfect as a family but I still thank God that we are not useless. My first born will send something to my daughter in school without even me knowing, so also his siblings. Sorry poster tell your fiance to face front but pls stick with him.
ReplyDelete"Sorry poster tell your fiance to face front but pls stick with him."
DeleteMeanwhile, your children are helping or supporting each other as said by you?
Red flag alert!!!! Run! Run! Run! Don’t make the same mistake I made! When we were courting I thought I had the sweetest Guy on earth giving and giving and giving to everyone it was when I entered the marriage finish I realized I made a huge mistake! Guy’s salary will finish within a week because he has given everything to his family and friends and any fool that asks him for money! I was feeding him, paying school fees etc even though he was earning much more than me! It’s a spiritual problem he will NEVER change! And when he stops giving after marriage the family members will blame you for the stoppage and attack you even spiritually if possible.
ReplyDeleteThank you anon 18:42.
DeleteIt's the spiritual attack that scares me the most.
I love him but I think I'll take a walk.
Thanks
18.42 why will I be paying school fees & also feeding him when he's also working, except if he's taking other responsibilities for us. He can't be doing charity while I am suffering
DeleteThe Most Complex B
My take is, if you can still wait for a year before considering marriage. Let him cut down on all unnecessary family responsibilities,atleast everyone involved should be used to getting little or nothing from him before you settle down with him.
ReplyDeletePoster, you see, the reality of things is that your future husband will always assist his family. What can his sister's salary salvage in today's economy for their own personal needs, not to talk about the whole family? Even if they help in the running of the household, it won't be obvious. To crown it all, their father is retired. You see, presently, there is no denying that he is the one buying the larger bulk of foodstuff, paying the house rent, etc. They live together, and he is the big brother.
ReplyDeleteI understand this is causing you worry because you wonder if he will be there for your intended family in the future, but what you need to understand is your man is presently operating as a single man, and when he decides to take the plunge, he will make some adjustments for future purposes, i.e., saving, etc., just as you have already indicated. Unlike before, when he had no pending responsibilities and expenses, he gives without having enough left for himself.
However, I don't think this will be an issue in your union, because you are marrying a kind man who I believe will extend the same kindness he has always shown his family to you and the kids and won't let you guys suffer. When you get married, he would definitely carry out his responsibilities as a husband and a father, but have it in mind he would still help his family once in a while . I don't know about that uncle of his and his cousins but you see his immediate family, he would always support them. They are from a humble background, and they will always look up to him for assistance now and then. Even when his single sister decides to get married, he will be inclined to support their wedding financially with some amount.
Now, his family may not have an issue with it if the number of times he shows up for them isn't as consistent as before; they are likely to understand because they love him and would love for him to have his own family someday. They are likely to understand he now has financial obligations, but his uncle and his cousins(are they his uncle's children?) others who feel deprived may not. The new development will need some adjusting to, and adjustments sometimes are always met with resentment and rebellion. All these will be aimed at you alone, thanks to your man, who gives to his detriment. How do you explain his running around owing people money just to support others? They don't even have an idea he does that because they have been conditioned by him to believe he never runs dry. They feel he is capable, so they keep coming back; so suddenly, expecting them to adjust will seem like he is just being stingy on purpose thanks to your presence and therein lies the issue you might end up being faced with but I don't think that should bother you as long as his family is fine with you.
1)you will have to accept he will help his sister's sometimes if they need assistance even when you get married
2)His uncle and cousins may despise you
If you don't mind go ahead .
As much as I believe you should talk to your guy to reduce how he sends money and save more please don’t come into his life to control him. You don’t want him to spend on his other family but want his priority to be on you and the kids. Yes it is his duty to care for his immediate family likewise you. You both should map out what to send to his father every month for upkeep and to also the sisters if need be. He should also send something to the uncles when he has.
ReplyDeleteLook as much as I know you are trying to look out for your man, you don’t know the family dynamics. Those are people he grew up together with, who has impacted on his life one way or the other. Marriage should not make him change towards them or creat a crack, it should bring more unity. I can’t imagine my husband monitoring my finances and telling me what to do with my money. I send money to who ever I wish and do my own part in the house, likewise him. He knew this people way back before he met you please use sense and don’t stand on his way. The way you are important is the same way his relatives are important. Don’t go into his life to place yourself as the commander and director of his everything, marriage is not a cage.
Ruu ruu ruu. O... or paerper for war. From the family.
ReplyDeleteIn my case I thought it was a sign that he’s a loving man with family values. Chai, if I start to talk ehn. It’s a serious red flag. Every story like this is the same. My advice to others, unless you are a millionaire in dollars and can pay for yourself and future children, walk away now.
ReplyDeleteHe's a good man Savannah. A GOOD MAN😏😏😏😏
ReplyDeleteDon't ask him to stop helping his relatives,only advice him to apply the theory of saving.let his age father enjoy his son that he's still alive 200 to 150 can be saved from his monthly salary
ReplyDeleteSo I met a guy that is in this group of Mr goody goody….. he is divorced now for the past 2 or 3 years… we went out a few times before he started giving me stories of his wife and how she is a bad woman and how she took his 3kids… Then he mentioned that she complained about his family members living in the house, how she wasn’t nice as he sends money to them and that 2 of his relatives were living with them for more than two years…hmmmmmm. Inside 2 bedroom. He said the kids were sleeping in the same room with them while his relatives that visit stay in the other room and even the parlor. I just told him I can’t date him and that his wife was and is a saint. Maybe he should go beg and reconcile with her😁😁.
ReplyDeleteThank you everyone for your contributions and advice. I truly appreciate.
ReplyDeleteI'll do the needful.
Enjoy your evening
Poster, I was in similar situation like yours but was so blinded by love. He was the 1st son/ child amongst the 10 children. I hid so many secrets about his family until we married. The baggage no be here at all. When i discovered some unpleasant things about the situation I found myself and tried talking to him, him and his family saw me as a wicked wife. It was hell and I couldn't bear it any longer so I ran for my life. My advice to you poster is to shine your eyes very very well. Do not be carried away by love. Weigh the options and let God direct you.
ReplyDeleteThis is very dicey situation. He sounds like a good man, but a people pleaser. Pray about it it well
ReplyDeletePoster pls don't run away as most people suggested.
ReplyDeleteYou are the Saviour that he needs, to be freed from this bandage. The most important thing is, he's listening to you and making adjustments.
It's obvious he's a very good person and deserves a food person like you too.
My suggestion is to make him keep increasing the savings by the month, and having him fix things in his life too.
Then, you can ask him to have a meeting with his siblings and talk to them about they all contributing their quarter to the home. (This makes them responsible too and reduce their selfishness) at the end of the meeting, they should all state hoe much they will contribute to the home front monthly.
Off course, he might not agree to do these things immediately, but keep lovingly telling him and praying about it, till he sees it.
When much improvement has been made in this aspect, marruage talks can start. But this should be in place, atleast 3 months before marriage ooo.
Lastly, pray. Pray for whoever would want to "move you out of the way" and pray for him too. So he wouldn't be harmed because of the change, and to be freed from every hold of his family