CONFUSED
I don't even know where to start from........
My husband has been acting distant lately and I've tried to be by his side and help him with whatever he's dealing with to no avail. Curiosity got the best of me, I had to snoop on his laptop one of the days he stepped out and forgot to put it off...
I have no access to his phone.
I didn't see much but I saw several bank transfers to a particular female and one of the transfer narration had upkeep m. Again I went checking his former work phone which he dropped at home and noticed that there was a lot of call exchanges between him and a number stored with same name whenever he travelled to Lagos and in a message left on the phone, there was a message informing him of hotel booking.
I have always had my suspicion but until now I never had any concrete proof, I also know him to feel pressured when he spends too much. Something doesn't seem right, but I don't want to accuse him falsely.
It's 3 years of marriage and I'm TTCing and that's the only issue we have, aside that he's a seeming perfect husband with providing and taking care of me...
I just feel uneasy with these little reveals and don't know if to confront him yet.
I just feel uneasy with these little reveals and don't know if to confront him yet.
From what i read up there, your husband might have baby mama.....It is better to ask him than to keep quiet about it...Keeping quiet will cause more problems...Dont confront cause it might just be the excuse he needs to justify whatever he has done...The snooping you started you need to finish it and be sure before you ask him.....
Kai
ReplyDeleteYou must be distraught! Come take hugs
I don’t know how u people will be married and can’t ask ur spouse questions. If you see something you don’t understand, you ask!!!!
ReplyDeleteHe’s been distant, he’s been calling a particular person, he’s been sending money to a particular female, you know there’s something not adding up and you won’t just ask him about it????
Even if he lies, as a woman, you will know na and start to even dig deeper!
After digging deeper and finding out what you expect her to find out(because she will definitely find it) then what next?
DeleteYou fail to tell her the next step to take..
Madam poster, if you know that you can't divorce him and leave the marriage or accept the other lady as your co-wife, better let the sleeping dog lie there in peace.
You women won't have a plan and will still rush to snoop.
That una gender sef, I wonder how una dey reason most times.
Ana emenu..
18.41, let me assume you are an adult and not a child. For some women, it's not about what next if they choose to snoop. It's about protecting your sanity and having set expectations of the future.
DeleteSo many snoops have helped a lot of people protect themselves from the unexpected. It's guarding your heart even if you'd do nothing after the snooping. It's better to have shock absorbers than none.
Poster, confront your spouse with your worries, not necessarily the snooping part and see what he says.
Someone I know snooped and discovered her hubby had just ordered anti-retroviral medications in his name after returning from three months business trip. He denied when confronted and that was the end of the union. She says she left because of the deceit. What would have happened if she had not snooped?
Be ready to face the consequences of snooping. Like Stella said, finish what you started, otherwise, you'll keep dying in silence, consumed by your own suspicions.
ReplyDeleteBe sure with your evidence before confronting him. And try to have an open mind as well because the outcome may not favourable
ReplyDeleteThis is one reason why I fear marriage, if I ever find out my husband is cheating, I don't know how I am going to handle it.
ReplyDeleteMy father was a serial cheat when he was still with my mum, they went their separate ways but he was still bringing different girls to the house, he brought girls my age, girls younger than me and matured ones too and guess what?
They'd come and he instruct us to cook for them or even send us on errands to get things they were craving or things they need.
I wish having "a partner" is a normal arrangement in this part of the world because my view on marriage is not good at all because of my parents failed marriage.
My advice is that you ask him, sit him down and ask him.
I pray God grants you wisdom on how to handle this.
why will you wrote yourself off from having a happy and faithful spouse because your both parent failed to make their marriage work? marriage is commitment between two mature people who are willing to love, care, respect, committed to each other. Is a work for both parties to make marriage work and not for one person alone.
DeleteYour marriage can work and be perfect if only you are ready to work towards that, you need the best manual which is the word of God. If you can focus on the positive side of marriage and see the success of it from the aspect God created it. You will enjoy your marriage, we have alot of married BVs who are also enjoying marriage, some are even from broken homes. Please do not think this way about marriage cos is a very beautiful thing you should experience with a great partner this journey is so sweet, smooth and never ending.
EC, you said:
Delete"Your marriage can work and be perfect if only you are ready to work towards that,"
Is it only one partner that will make marriage work?
What if one partner works and the other partner keeps scattering the work, how will the marriage be perfect?(In your own words)
Marriage takes two people that are ready to put in the work, not only one person. It will scatter if only one person is trying to hold it together cos that person will get tired one day.
Your new marriage is shacking you now, you are giving unrealistic advice. Come back after 5 years.
1:02, I agree with you. Let EC come back after five years truly. They think is by mouth.
DeleteJust bear in.mind that he's not a Saint. Upkeep keh? In this economy. Baby milk and others.
ReplyDeleteSome men wuked
Stella is right. There is definitely no smoke without fire. He has a child somewhere. Some men do it to prove their fertility. It is an ego thing.
ReplyDeleteDo not look before you leap. Gather more intelligence (facts) not stories. Get a name of the lady? Who is this lady? Where does she work and live? What does she look like? Is a child involved? Are your in laws involved? Does anyone in your friend’s circle aware? If possible get some evidence of your husband directly involved with her.
Get closer to your husband. Make him understand that you appreciate the pressure he is undergoing regarding your TTCing. Reassures him that you are eager to help in whatever way possible to make him happy and make your situation better. Tell him you also need his help. Go for tests, scan and all the medical bits to be sure none of you have a problem. Still continue to with your investigation.
Make sure you get your facts right before acting. If it is true that he has a child, you should know what to do. (Every woman knows when to leave).
Make him understand that you appreciate the pressure he is undergoing regarding your TTCing.
DeleteHow is it "her" ttc ???
What if the issue is from him?
Nne na WA ooo
Anon 18:11 YOUR can also be plural. Which means that "your TTCing" could be referring to both the husband and the wife.... not necessarily only the wife.
DeleteWarm hugs beautiful. I hate false accusations and I always fight with facts. I will advise to pause about confrontation. Just ask him some random questions and watch his reactions. Then take it up,from there. Continue to pray,for God to reveal other things. God will bless your union with wonderful children. 🙏🏿🤗
ReplyDeleteE hug dear
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you have go through this. I pray God gives you the wisdom to handle this
ReplyDeleteJust ask him
ReplyDeleteSometimes we help without telling others because una no dey too like money to go out especially to opposite gender
Madam finish what you started
ReplyDeleteUse a polite way and ask him some questions about mood and see his reaction.
See just ask him questions, For me, this is evidence enough to be suspicious of your husband, So ask him to be sure, you are still married to him emotionally.
ReplyDeletemen don't like confrontation but asking questions especially when you don't have facts. Even when you have facts and confront most of them, they will lie or change the narrative. I know is not easy when your partner start acting up like keeping distance without speaking out. But you need wisdom not to be too fast to say things that make stop you from finding out the fact on time.
ReplyDeleteYou want to hear or find out everything this minute but you need to take it easy and be smart about the whole thing. Play your part as a good wife by asking him few questions why he is distancing from you. Ask him is it because you guys are still waiting, his job, business, blackmail from a man or lady, his parents or sibling, health challenge that whatever it is he should trust you that you both can handle it together if only he is ready to share it with you. Make sure you watch his reaction, give him full attention, concentrate and you could get the answer you seek.
Do not go giving him attitude or warning, do not start making calls telling family members what you saw. Keep it to yourself till you are sure of your proof. Men has ego and want it to be intact while you make your finds. What is happening to him is something that can break your marriage or break you, he is finding it so difficult to discuss with you because he has offended you. Be ready to hear the worst from him but in all just start building your shock absorber from now so that when you get to hear the real thing you will not have HPB. Do not forget to ask God for direction, clue, wisdom, dreams that can explain your unanswered questions.
Best advice
DeleteYou are smart excited courtesy and thanks for your advice up there.
I think you should ask him. He's your husband, talk to him about his change in behaviour which made you curious.
ReplyDeleteI pray things will work out for your good and the Lord will come through for you. Your home is blessed in Jesus' name.
Ask him questions or you apply tactics of asking for more money. He will break down eventually. You need to know what is happening for your own peace of mind..
ReplyDeleteDear Poster,
ReplyDeleteI see the grace in how you're holding your peace, even as it frays at the seams. It takes a kind of quiet strength to stay present in a room where silence grows louder by the day. Aside from your parents and bloodline, your partner should be your truest companion - the one place where nothing is off limits, not laughter, not sorrow, not truth.
There are a lot of questions that are begging for answers from the disquiet in your spirit. You’re not wrong for snooping; curiosity is how love searches for air when the room gets stuffy with subtle secrets. Continue gathering, discreetly, smartly. Untamed emotions can cloud clarity.
Understand that you might find answers that unsettle the ground you stand on. Not just the surface coldness, or the quiet lies. But the realisation that something in your marriage was sealed behind a door you never had the key to. A space you were shut out from, long before you started asking why.
TTC can be a silent battle for men too, but that silence is no excuse for shutting out the one who shares your dreams. If he’s giving you everything but himself, you’re already being starved of what matters most. You’re not just a wife; you’re a woman who deserves the whole story, not fragments wrapped in care.
Whatever you find, don’t confront him; to walk into fire, one must first wear fireproof truth. Observe his eyes, not just his phone. His body may sleep next to you, but is his soul still in the room? Where necessary, for your eroding sense of safety, ask the right questions at the right time.
Ask them like a woman whose heart deserves clarity from whatever you can gather, not crumbs. Let your posture say, “I’m not begging for love - I’m checking if it’s still in the room we share together.”
Watch him. Don’t just hear his words, read the silences between them. Listen with your whole body. That’s where the truth tends to slip out, quietly, almost apologetically, but unmistakably.
Madam hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Are you able to stand on your own two feet and care for yourself? If not keep quiet, dig deeper, save and have an exit plan. Also go and check yourself out for STIs. Untreated STis is the most common reason for women TTCing. It seems your man is cheating at worst and he is definitely hiding something at best. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteThis is just so devastating to read. With everything you're going through. So sad
ReplyDeleteIf you ask him and he confirms there's a baby mama, what next .....?
ReplyDeleteI hope you will be ready with your next line of action after you seek the truth you are looking for...!
So she should keep mute abi? Which one is worse?
DeleteLeave him
DeleteLeave before she adds a baby to this
why ask him when you wont still leave even after he confirms it? why give yourself heartache?
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteMadam chronicle poster, like someone asked up there, what will you do if you find out he is cheating?
Don't tell me you want to snoop without having a plan.
Well maybe it will help you to start saving very well and plan for your own future because a cheating partner is not reliable. Forget the care he is giving you now, if he has a girlfriend or baby mama, it's just a matter of time before he discards you.
Start saving and planning for your own future by yourself.
Then why are you saying you alone is TTC? Both of you are TTC my dear sister, not only you.
Have you both gone for tests, what did the doctor say?
I hope they will not carry someone else's baby and dash him as his own. He may the one with the problem or you both do not just match.
I will also advise you should not stay in a childless marriage for up to 10yrs. You can divorce and try someone else before you conclude
You don't have access to your own husband's phone keh? God abeg. I never see this kind thing before, na for internet I dey hear am regularly o.
ReplyDelete