Hmmmmm....
STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
ADOPTION WITH BAD BLOOD
Adoption is not a bad thing but be very careful when you want to adopt so you don't take bad blood home. Story of my life right now.
I lost my husband 2 years into our marriage. I was pregnant but lost the baby. I was devastated.
I was still very young, so everyone was worried that I was going to remain single and childless for the rest of my life.
A friend of mine that came visiting, told me about a family in her village that wants to give up their grandchild for adoption, because their daughter was impregnated by a village tout.
Keyword 'tout'
I shouldn't have ignored the word 'tout' in her sentence. I should have taken that word seriously. I wouldn't have made the biggest mistake of my life 22 years ago.
I followed my friend to her village to see the girls family, so we can start the adoption process. When we got there the family said they don't want somebody that will just come and adopt the child they want somebody that will marry the girl off with the pregnancy.
I ask if I can marry her since I'm a woman? They said yes, that it is allowed in their culture under this circumstances.
I did all the marriage rites and left the village with her as my wife. As part of their custom. The deal was that, she's going to spend the rest of her life with me and I can marry her off to whom ever I want, so she can bear me more children.
After she gave birth to my son Daniel, I had to let her go, there was no point keeping her with me. One child was ok for me. I haven't heard from her since she left my house 22 years ago.
She hasn't called once to check up on the boy. I only got to know her whereabout through my friend that is from their village.
She got married to a businessman and she is currently living in onitsha with her family.
I'm happy for her but I want to return Daniel, back to her family. I can no longer manage him. He is a walking magnet. His biological father's blood runs through his veins.
He is a big thief. No matter where I hide money in the house he will sniff it out. He enters through the ceiling of our neighbors to steal from them when they are not at home.
He goes to church to steal people's phones. To call him a kleptomaniac is an understatement because he is far worst.
Daniel, is currently in a police cell because he went and stole his bosses very expensive iPhone. They won't release him until I replace the iPhone.
It's going to take a while because I am very tired of always repaying something or bailing him out of a police cell.
When I manage to bail him out this last time I want to take him back to his biological mother. Maybe there's something that she can do to help him be a better man, because I have done all that I could.
He will never agree to follow me willingly.
I need ideas on how to take him to his maternal village without him knowing.
If you take him home, wont he find his way back and try to hurt you for rejecting him? A person who steals like this can Kpai someone oh.
It's going to take a while because I am very tired of always repaying something or bailing him out of a police cell.
When I manage to bail him out this last time I want to take him back to his biological mother. Maybe there's something that she can do to help him be a better man, because I have done all that I could.
He will never agree to follow me willingly.
I need ideas on how to take him to his maternal village without him knowing.
If you take him home, wont he find his way back and try to hurt you for rejecting him? A person who steals like this can Kpai someone oh.
Why not just disown him and move to another environment where he wont find you?cause who do you wanna return him to after 22 years? I mean you took a woman pregnant from them and you want to return a hardened thief that will ruin their lives? Nobody will agree oh.....so abandon him and run....With what you described, he will eventually become a big thief, na just oga wey go initiate am remain.
I think the whole problem started when you discarded his mum. Was that part of the agreement? They said you could marry her off. She was supposed to stay with you till she leaves to the house of another man. You only thought you were smart. You can't drink your amala and have it. I think the real thief is you. The motive behind this agreement was wrong from onset.
ReplyDeleteTry contacting his mum first
DeleteMa
I really do feel for you. This is one of the things I fear about adoption. I really don't know how to advice you. May God guide you on the right step to take. But I think you can take this up in prayer. There is no life that cannot be changed but there is some degree of willingness on the part of the person which is required. Pray that Daniel will meet with the Lord Jesus the life changer. May God wipe away your tears and give you His comfort. It is well with you.
ReplyDeletePoster
ReplyDeletetake him to apply for Nigeria army in zaria......from scratch menhh by the time dem drain am for one month he will be use to you and the Nation and from there he will sit for exams
Naso I help one neighbour stubborn son go NMS that year baba came back gentle and started being a good guy "ekene" hahaha returning to the village and his using your surname to commit crime, you will still be call out ok? 22years? There's still high chances for him.
Goodluck madam
Hes"*
Delete+1
DeleteSomeone like him will not survive the army. Before you know it, they have dismissed him, they don’t tolerate nonsense.
DeleteSee anonymous once you explained to his commandant that he's problem na stealing without covering for him ( after he again admission oo) they will base him to the military police. He will change with prayers too
DeleteThat other guy was harden then imagine person wey dey escape arrest with handcuff and remove it so ....
Omo...It is to run away oh......stylishly pack out without telling him.
ReplyDeleteWelldone Stella.
Please I have a question. Please don't laugh.
As a woman, I have very good skin, apart from my butt. I just realised it is extremely dark which is opposite my natural color and just not fine at all. My normal body cream is vasline. What can I use to make it look appealing and also soften it, because it is hard as well. I am getting married in a few months and I am a bit worried that he might not like what he will see. Every other part of my body is beautiful and soft.
Try Shea butter
DeleteStella says abandon him and run, lmao.
ReplyDeleteKai, I feel your pain.
This is a very serious issue. First, if you have a good, will you abandon it and run away? If you are into business, how will you cope moving your business to another town?
For you to just up and leave, it will be very difficult.
The best option would be for you to run o but I am sure you have a lot to consider.
He knows you are not his biological mother, it won't take him anything to take you out.
For now, you can "talk" to someone in that station to keep him there o.
Madam follow Stella's advice
ReplyDeleteWell, he’s your child now! Treat him like one! If your own child had ended up a thief, would u be looking to return him to God. Report him to the police! Let him serve his punishment, maybe that would teach him a lesson.
ReplyDeleteHe was given to u as a baby, I’ve never heard that ‘tout’ is a genetic thing! He was never in contact with his father to claim it was his influence. Are u sure u raised him right or u spoilt him?
Nneka, you just spoke hard truth
DeleteVery true. You have been enabling his bad behaviour, why do you keep replacing the items he stole? Why is the police telling you to replace the phone? Let the law take its course. Those people in prison, who has replaced the items they stole?
DeleteHonestly if he were her biological son will she return him? Madam find ways to rehabilitate him . He's not garbage . Maybe take him to see his mum then probably he'll start to heal . This stealing is the only way he's getting attention. It's trauma.
DeleteMadam Poster the boy probably lacked a father figure and enough discipline. He may also have mingled with the wrong friends. But if you really love him as your son, you may not give up on him just yet. Have you tried counseling and talking with this boy one on one? Is he educated, does he have a skill, is there an older responsible man that can advise him? You need to let him know that he is now an adult and you will let him be free to live his life, so for his own sake he has to learn to be responsible before it is too late. Returning him back to his mother may not be the best option because they do not know each other and the mother has built a new family. But you can discuss it with her first, so that if she is agreeable, she can also build a relationship with her child. But if she is not agreeable, don't blame her or force her, because you and she, and her family had an agreement. If the boy had turned out very well, you wouldn't be returning him. Sha try your best and also pray. Let God direct you on the best course of action.
DeleteThank you Eka!
DeleteNa NMS be the only solution to Daniel, returning him back to the village will only make matter worst and your life is at risk because this boy can unlife you. Forget about his mother for now because she gave you the boy with her whole heart since she already knew who got her pregnant.
ReplyDeleteyou would have gone to sperm bank and go for IVF since you did not want to remarry. The mistake has already been made and you are only looking for solution. Take that boy to NMS and make sure you tell them about all his dangerous character, they will be on a look out for him and they can help you to repair him.
NMS will expel him after one term, they don’t tolerate stealing
DeleteYou probably did a bad job raising him . You might have over pampered and indulged him.
ReplyDeleteWhat effort did you make in curbing his bad character initially?
Did you train him in school?
Sorry for your wahala but he is an adult. You can't return him. Let him go and sort his life out.
Better take Stella advice and don't delay
ReplyDeleteHe needs to be in a reform school and should have been put into one years ago. King Jerry said to register him in the military. Why not register him before he is out of jail? Go speak with the military ppl and pre register him so he leaves prison and go straight to the base. All governments are reporting low military interest in young ppl and many are dropping the entrance requirements to entice new recruits. You can drop him in the military and still move locations.
ReplyDeletePls not in nigeria. Who is reporting low military intake? The recruits that were taken befr were few, now they do it twice a year. Still people boku even for training ground waiting for those that will be dropped so that they can plead to replace them.
DeleteSee all of you shouting he should just go and join the military, then later you guys will be complaining about the ruggedeness of the military guys on the road, why would you? Since it it turned to the dumping ground of recalcitrant and unruly people. By the way if he ever goes to prison, he cannot join the military they also have their criteria.
And she can’t just go to base and ‘talk to the military guys’ like you said, he has to wait for time for recruitment and register online and go in for physical screening.
16:58, all you have said may be true but the military is known to instill discipline and build good character. Does that mean there are bad apples in there? of course, bad apples are everywhere and in every industry. But it is still worth a shot. The opportunity to learn discipline, focus, getting a good solid education and becoming a respectable citizen is all possible through the military. Perhaps being in an all male environment and having all his time accounted for will be the switch that turns something on in him.
DeleteIf his father was a village tout, imagine all the curses that must have been heaped on him by those he offended?
ReplyDeleteFollow his matter from the spiritual angle.
Very important
DeleteAs a single lady, you should have adopted a girl.
ReplyDeleteWhy marry a woman just to claim the child?
Did you return the bride price after his mother, your wife, left you?
You people will just enter different agreements without knowing the consequences.
This is what I found confusing and bizarre. Why the need for marriage and all that. My brain is not wired to participate in other ppl’s culture and their strange customs no matter what, perhaps in a case of life and death. Too many orphanages around to get caught up in weirdness.
DeleteI am planning to adopt a baby girl soon but before doing so, i will follow the matter spiritually.
ReplyDeleteWhether she is a baby or 10 years old, it doesn’t matter because i am ready spiritually.
She must pass the spiritual test.
I beg to differ slightly from the common position, not out of disrespect to anyone. His biological father may indeed be a tout, and that impulsivity, thrill-seeking, and poor impulse control - traits often associated with antisocial or criminal behaviour - can have a heritable component. That doesn’t mean Daniel was born a thief, but it does mean he may have inherited a temperament or neurological predisposition (dysregulation, low frustration tolerance, underdeveloped empathy pathways) that made him more vulnerable to behavioural problems.
ReplyDeleteHowever, and this is where nurture may reclaim whatever inherited ills lie in him. His father's genes only load the gun; the environment and how he was raised may have been what pulled the trigger. A child with that biological predisposition, raised in a home marked by emotional detachment, unregulated freedom, or inconsistent discipline, will likely develop maladaptive coping patterns. Let's not forget that children often register emotional dissonance long before they understand it cognitively.
Thank you! A lot of people do not realize that antisocial behavior has a genetic component. They think everything is about nuture. Some children are born bad and there’s little you can do about it, doesn’t mean you don’t try though
DeleteYou didn’t raise him well
ReplyDeleteYou passed some his habits off as “tout”,
That boy might be the reason you are alive
If you return him
You may leave this earth
Life is deep
You didn’t just adopt him
You married his mom
By extension you are his home,his kinsmen,his father
Taking him back is not simple
It’s not as easy as you think it is
It’s a cultural stuff
Which might drain you more if his mothers people are mean
Take it to God in prayer
Your message made so much sense ... Wow! Such an eye opener.
DeleteMay the Good Lord intervene and help the poster with a lasting solitude....
It is well! There is nothing too difficult for God to solve. Jesus - The Way Maker, please, take the wheel 🙏
The boy has already inherited many curses from his biological father's crimes. The problem with this boy is spiritual.
ReplyDeleteIf it would be possible for you to elope without him being able to trace you, go for it... Otherwise, try and enroll him in the Army, the training could mold him to an extent...
Whatever you do, be careful for the safety of your life.
It's well!
There's this my senior colleague that her only son is too stubborn according to her. She sent her to either the Nigeria army or police I'm not sure again. Do as King Jerry advised, and pray for God to change him.
ReplyDeleteBlood is deep..
ReplyDeleteEspecially cursed generations..
Na the generation of Cain become wives of the Watchers (Fallen Angels) and birthed the Nephalims (Giants).. they continued the wickedness of the world from where their fire fathers stopped .
There's little you can do..
Maybe you should just leave him inside that cell as you cannot raise the money, maybe he'll learn and pray to become better after..
Maybe you should change environment if that house isn't yours..
Maybe you keep indulging him until the day he will do the one that he won't come back from..
Whatever you do, just watch and pray cos na criminal follow you dey so, a desperate one,. Make he no go mvrder you..
But you cannot return him to the family,. Agreement is Agreement. If he had turned out great, would you be thinking of returning him? Now the opposite is the case and you want to run from accountability. You better hold it there..
Everyone took the risk without knowing the outcome, the result is yours to bear..
And even though I believe in nature, nurture too cannot be downplayed,. You share a big blame in how that young man turned out. The general rule is that a lady cannot raise a man but Una no dey hear word.
When he returns from cell, he will be a hardened criminal. God abeg!
DeleteHello Poster,
ReplyDeleteWhile I sympathise with you, somewhere beneath all this, your story is not about bad blood but bad beginnings. A woman, broken by grief, tried to heal herself through possession rather than parenting. Which may have caused a child conceived in chaos to be raised without roots, but in vacuums and voids - which needed to be filled regularly. Between you both lie twenty-two years of unfinished pain, where nature, nurture, and neglect may have quietly collided without you even realizing it.
Yes, temperament can be inherited - the impulsivity, the defiance, the restless need for control and to control - but even the wildest traits bend under steady love and firm structure, both of which Daniel seemed to have been denied. Your mistake was not adoption, but mistaking ownership for motherhood. His failure is not merely theft; it is the search for identity in a life built without structures. Where both of you became victims of an arrangement that treated life without the needed balance or bond, but more like a trade.
Parenting demands unequal emotional zeal - tireless, forgiving, and firm. Adoption, even more so, requires the courage to rebuild identity and reshape behaviour through spiritual guidance, bonding with patience and in truth. Returning him will not heal the wound; it will only reopen it and deepen it the more. Healing must begin where blame ends. The love you seek from him cannot come until you admit the part you played in his becoming.
Because beneath every tragedy of character lies an aiding or older tragedy of care.
Poster, sorry for the pain your son is causing you. Yes, he is your son! There is no other place to return him to. He is Obiefuna( you married the mother while she was still pregnant so as to continue the lineage of your late husband). What you should be asking for is how and where to rehabilitate him. Find out more about enrolling him in military service while you also follow things up spiritually. DO NOT GO AND DISTURB THE PEACE OF HIS BIOLOGICAL MOTHER. THE AGREEMENT YOU HAD WITH HER FAMILY WAS SIMPLY TRADITIONAL SURROGACY. HE IS YOUR SON!!!
ReplyDeleteNa wa o. So them de return pikin? To think no body forced you to go adopt him. Your lack of accountability in how he turned out is interesting too. I think you need to self reflect and do right by that boy. Its nature vs nurture, how you nurtured him definitely played a role despite what you make of his nature.
ReplyDelete