Hmmmm.....
STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
ADVICE NEEDED
My daughter who lives in USA hardly calls in to check on me. I have complained about this attitude.
She is 27 and working. I don't ask for anything from her just that desire to hear her voice but she thinks when she asks me if I need anything so she can take care of that's okay. No it's not okay.
I always dodge it when she wants to send money for a specific thing e.g my HMO, I don't need her money; I earn good money in Nigeria. I am not lacking. I am just concerned as a mother. She is my only child. I don't bother her for anything. She knows and tells friends her mother doesn't ask her for anything
In fact, she will never lack in her lifetime cause of the investments I have.
Sometimes when she finds time to call, i pretend to be sick to get her attention., hoping the calls will be frequent. After a few calls, she goes mute again for about a month till I reach out to her.
In fact, she will never lack in her lifetime cause of the investments I have.
Sometimes when she finds time to call, i pretend to be sick to get her attention., hoping the calls will be frequent. After a few calls, she goes mute again for about a month till I reach out to her.
It's disturbing!
Sometimes , I get mad and keep off talking or seeing her even when I am in the US, when she finds out I was around she keeps mute over it .I love her but she is driving me into depression.
She finally called today after a month and I tried to let her know I need her to reach out in case I am in trouble. I am advancing in age and staying alone. In fact ,she can chat with friends everyday but will not with me.
Who is in my shoe? I don't know what to do again!
You are leading by example...You will visit the US where your daughter lives and not see her and then you are wondering why she behaves the way she does? She is exactly like you and turned out exactly how you brought her up...Only you can fix the mess but i doubt it would be hard oooooooh.
Sometimes , I get mad and keep off talking or seeing her even when I am in the US, when she finds out I was around she keeps mute over it .I love her but she is driving me into depression.
She finally called today after a month and I tried to let her know I need her to reach out in case I am in trouble. I am advancing in age and staying alone. In fact ,she can chat with friends everyday but will not with me.
Who is in my shoe? I don't know what to do again!
You are leading by example...You will visit the US where your daughter lives and not see her and then you are wondering why she behaves the way she does? She is exactly like you and turned out exactly how you brought her up...Only you can fix the mess but i doubt it would be hard oooooooh.
You did not bring her up with any family families that is why she does not know that family is everything....
If shes doesnt call you, call her... if she doesn't visit you, ten visit her!!!
BE A MUM BEFORE YOU EXPECT HER TO BE A DAUGHTER!!!
BE A MUM BEFORE YOU EXPECT HER TO BE A DAUGHTER!!!
Probably you were distant with her during her upbringing. Stella is right.
ReplyDeleteFollow follow
DeleteMadam, what did you do? Seems like she set boundaries for her sanity. What happened to sending WhatsApp messages? Your only daughter should be your bestie. Something must have gone wrong. The ball is not in her corner. It is in YOUR corner. Make the move. Call her. Agree and start with weekly calls on Sundays. Stop telling fibs about being sick so she can take it seriously if you truly get sick. Make the conversation about her. Since u can afford plan a 3 day weekend with her to a place she really desires to visit. Or a spa day next time you're in town. You need to be the adult in this relationship and stop blaming her for the drift.
DeleteChild is raised by maid, sees Mum for only a few minutes at night just before she sleeps. Weekends, spent in the arms of the maid while Mum is busy with social activities. Child is sent to school abroad at 15, the West being a COLD, SELFISH and INDIVIDUALISTIC society. I think your daughter is only pouring out what was poured into her…
DeleteE be like say we don read this chronicle before.
DeleteBe committing her to God, visit her and have talk with her.
Hope you didn't abandon her when she was a teenager.
With God all things are possible.
I support Stella's red pen with one he-goat that has strong body odour.
ReplyDeleteIn addition,I also think you should call her or visit her and talk to her just the way you've explained in this Chronicle,of course you will remove some things while talking.Let her know that she means a lot to you even though you don't ask for anything.
It won't be a bad idea to allow her pay for somethings for you,make her feel involved,let her know that she matters to you.
I agree.
ReplyDeleteIt's so funny to see parents wanting their children to be their friends now that they're old and they realise they no longer have control over the kids and can't force them to live their lives the way the parents want.
But they raised the child in fear and strict obedience with no affectionate displays of love.
Now that the child is grown the parents know their grip is slipping away and now wnat to go close to the child and be forming bestie bestie.
And for the people that will come and say, oh but your parents paid for you to go to America blah blah blah, shebi the daughter is repaying by giving the mother money when she needs it? She's doing her duty now, abi?
To your tents o Israel.
You said it all
DeleteShe probably was raised by another person and I doubt it you both bonded while she was growing.
ReplyDeleteMy mum calls me often than I call her. Try to call her often because she won't change overnight
ReplyDeleteI agree
DeleteMy mum calls me a lot, so I always make so much effort to call too
I feel for you dear poster. I can't deal with this. You need to be proactive and start getting close to your daughter. You should do more even if she isn't.
ReplyDeleteHow was ur relationship with her growing up?
ReplyDeleteMaybe that's the cause.
Or u do the constant calling and visiting. She will adjust
Bonding with your kids before sending them out is very important. Let the kids see you cry, see you happy, let them join to experience your ups and downs. Doing so makes them develop thick bond with you.
ReplyDeletePoster this is what you will do, but this will only be effective if you live in a public environment. Tell her that some young girls in the neighborhood scratched your car when they were trying to take photos of themselves near the car and when you confronted them, they gathered to fight you. In another occasion, tell her that some women around your area muttered when you passed by, arguing about wether you have a child or not and it really got you embarrassed when you overheard them say it. Also formulate a scenario when a young lady at work insulted you, if the young lady who is her age mate knows that you have a child who would come and stand for you you don't think she would dare talk to you like that...
ReplyDeletelol don’t do that
DeleteLol. Poster if you do this, you are setting your self up for failure and making it all about yourself. Sebi you have pretended to be sick and it didn't work?
DeleteHow this thing take make sense to u abeg?
DeleteI know this bv. She's your adopted daughter. Please share your wealth.to others that'll appreciate it. She's still ungrateful. It's probably a trait she inherited from her biological parents. Take heart poster and be proactive
ReplyDeleteI’m not sure what is going on here but my mother and I live in different countries and she calls me often. I call often too.
ReplyDeleteDo you remember how you were at her age? Maybe she is a career woman with heavy work load and trying to move up the corporate ladder. Maybe she is dealing with the stress of relationships and wanting to get settled in marriage and confused why it’s not going her way. She is your only child yet you would enter the US and not even call her even to say you’re in a different state, this sounds completely manipulative and as though you are making a power move to punish her. Life is not a game and you don’t get to play with ppl’s emotions. Please stop the insanity and reconnect with your child. I feel you have a trying personality that one first needs patience and strong drink to approach. Then you out here pretending to be sick to get attention, what is wrong with you? She is not calling because you are melodramatic and like to blame others while viewing yourself as faultless without flaws. You have glaring flaws.
Join a social club or start dating. Involved yourself with charitable pursuits so you do not have to put so much pressure on your child. Make every moment of connection with your daughter joyful and memorable. Stop playing games and live in authenticity and genuine kindness.
You won’t believe it but it’s not your fault
ReplyDeleteMy sister is like this with my parents and the other kids are not. She also gives money which they accept
Sometimes it’s just luck of the draw
Thank God for all the great things about her
That’s what I do
And go visit. My sister will talk to us when she’s around but all her after na problem
Hello Poster,
ReplyDeleteI sympathise with you in the situation you find yourself in. Your issue is not one-sided as pointed out by Stella. We have two adults speaking different emotional languages without a translator. Which has become a painful collision of love, pride, and unspoken expectations.
I see more than anything, misalignment - not even the supposed neglect. You, as the mother have started equating love with presence and voice; and your daughter expresses care through provision, problem-solving, and responsibility. Neither of which is wrong, but both are incomplete. What is troubling is not the distance itself, but the quiet tactics being used to bridge it. These are signals of unmet emotional need, not solutions.
Any negotiations conducted without consent, are not expressions of need. Family love should not require strategy, it should evolve naturally. As many parents would agree with me, there is an uncomfortable truth we avoid. Which is: children often mirror the emotional climate they were raised in.
Were you in on her growing up? Or was she sent to a boarding school, then into university? These little onions also matter. Independence, when over-performed in parenting, often returns as emotional self-sufficiency in adulthood. A child raised to “not bother” a parent may grow into an adult who honours that boundary too well. So it seems in this case.
It was as if, while growing up, closeness was implied rather than practised, and by default, it was not nurtured. That gap may be what her adulthood is simply formalising. She doesn't love you less, she might just be living a life she is used to.
Yet I will not absolve your daughter by her schedules, it is not an excuse for emotional absence. Intentionality cannot be masked. Relationships, especially between parents and children, require intentional upkeep.
This situation with your daughter will not be repaired by guilt, comparisons, or moral pressure, but by one courageous shift - honest vulnerability without manipulation or keeping score.
Sometimes, all you have to do is put a call through and tell her in the simplest of ways, "I miss you, and I need more of you in my life." That sentence, said plainly, as honestly as you can be, and consistently, has more power than money, anger, or silence ever will. And that is the hardest language to learn - on both sides.
By the way, you never mentioned her father. Or her father's relatives. It would have helped situate things in a proper context by impact.
It’s really sad that this has gone on for this long. Ma’am, if your daughter doesn’t call you, please make sure you keep calling her. Call her often—so often that she begins to feel guilty if she doesn’t return your calls. You may not have been very close before, and that could be part of the reason, but this is something you can still change. Each time you call, make it clear that you’re not calling because you need her money, but simply because you want to know how she’s doing and what’s going on in her life. Things will get better. All will be well.
ReplyDeleteMadam ,one thing will save you this depression. Join social activities. Volunteer. Live your life to the fullest. Adopt another child who needs help going to the university. Become mother to many as few as you can help.
ReplyDeleteWhen you surround yourself with other people, you will become more focused on other things.
Also, visit her during holidays and spend time with her. You can suggest that you both spend part of her leave at another country having just fun.
Parents please respect boundaries with your grown up children, treat them like grown ups not that 8 year old child you use to command up and down. Show love and keep unsolicited advices to yourself. Reduce spreading secrets shared with you and think before you talk. Shouting on full adults with their children just because you are the parent for petty stuff does not work in this era. When the child pulls away, plenty family meetings would then be held. Gist plenty but I will stop here. How I wish someone would send this to my mum lol. Madam poster, it is well with you. Please take it one day at a time and know that your happiness does not rest on a child's shoulder. Call when you can and show her how you want to be loved.
ReplyDeleteNo need for extra comment. Aunty Stella hit the nail on the head
ReplyDeleteI agree with Stella 100%.
ReplyDeletei hope you are not at talk talk mother or problematic person to her and she may be avoiding you because of some issue. You did not bring her up well to understand that her mother is her everything. You allowed outsiders to give her that love, care she needed from her mother and you want her to suddenly change into someone she has never been.
ReplyDeleteYou could be a busy mother who never spend time with her only child but made sure all her needs are provided. She is trying to pay you back with such service as she also believes that all you need from her is money, money, money and nothing more. She is not used to that life you are asking for, you too could be less busy now, the reason you are crying she is not calling or checking up on you.
At this junction, all i can say is for you to keep talking to her. Explain things to her the reason you both did not build daughter and mother bond which is affecting your relationship at the moment and see if she can adjust. Afterall, you are her mother for life. Prayers is never too much in all situations and wishing you all the very best.