HEARTBROKEN MOTHER
I'm a mother so heartbroken over my daughter's selfish choices which I've noticed right from time. My daughter, began dating early at about 19, a few years later she said she's met someone from our town in a WhatsApp group who wants to marry her, just like that .
I'm a mother so heartbroken over my daughter's selfish choices which I've noticed right from time. My daughter, began dating early at about 19, a few years later she said she's met someone from our town in a WhatsApp group who wants to marry her, just like that .
Coming from our Christian background, we ( I and her dad weren’t comfortable with relationships outside our religion), but after about a year she introduced him to us, she stubbornly moved in with him. They lived together for four years, bought a house, eventually married traditionally and, two and a half years later, had my precious granddaughter.
My daughter always does things and wants things done her own way. Everything has to be on her terms. She’s intelligent, determined and successful, but also bossy, pushy and demanding. Outwardly she can be sweet, but behind closed doors she often belittles anyone who doesn't let her have her way.
About a month and a half ago, when she visited , my daughter suddenly announced she is no longer in good terms with her husband and wanted to separate. I was shocked, but she dominated the conversation and didn’t let me say a word. Within me, I was sure another man was involved. She said within the coming year, the house will be sold, assets divided and custody arranged but since the split my daughter was also left with the child to take sole responsibility.
Now the main issue, Within a few weeks, My daughter appears to have a new partner, though she won’t confirm it, only dropping hints to “familiarize” us with this new relationship. My daughter now splits time between her daughter who she mostly drops off with us or her other grand parents and the new partner.
With us, my daughter controls every visit and barely lets us into her life. Being around her feels like walking on eggshells. If I disagree, I’m met with silence, manipulation or explosive behavior. I cry every night, heartbroken over what feels like losing a limb. I feel for my son-in-law, who I believe was wronged, and I ache for my granddaughter, torn between two homes and two very different upbringings. Most of all, I am at a loss for how to move forward.
Deep down, my instincts tell me this new relationship won’t last too, but I don’t know how to stand by my values. How can I stay in her life without affecting our relationship because I'm exhausted!
My daughter always does things and wants things done her own way. Everything has to be on her terms. She’s intelligent, determined and successful, but also bossy, pushy and demanding. Outwardly she can be sweet, but behind closed doors she often belittles anyone who doesn't let her have her way.
About a month and a half ago, when she visited , my daughter suddenly announced she is no longer in good terms with her husband and wanted to separate. I was shocked, but she dominated the conversation and didn’t let me say a word. Within me, I was sure another man was involved. She said within the coming year, the house will be sold, assets divided and custody arranged but since the split my daughter was also left with the child to take sole responsibility.
Now the main issue, Within a few weeks, My daughter appears to have a new partner, though she won’t confirm it, only dropping hints to “familiarize” us with this new relationship. My daughter now splits time between her daughter who she mostly drops off with us or her other grand parents and the new partner.
With us, my daughter controls every visit and barely lets us into her life. Being around her feels like walking on eggshells. If I disagree, I’m met with silence, manipulation or explosive behavior. I cry every night, heartbroken over what feels like losing a limb. I feel for my son-in-law, who I believe was wronged, and I ache for my granddaughter, torn between two homes and two very different upbringings. Most of all, I am at a loss for how to move forward.
Deep down, my instincts tell me this new relationship won’t last too, but I don’t know how to stand by my values. How can I stay in her life without affecting our relationship because I'm exhausted!
Your daughter is an adult..Why not just mind your business and do your best to help out with your granddaughter? She is not telling you anything cause you will Judge her..she doesn't feel comfortable and you cant force her to confide in you ro force her be a part of her life...face front please cause the time you would spent teaching her to confide in you, you used it to carry Christian background on your head!
You are her mother, you gave birth to her. You people pampered her too much and this is the result.
ReplyDeleteWether she is an adult or not, talk to.her as a mother. You are disappointed, don't hide it.
You go come dey fear poking wey you born and raised yourself?
Madam, give her a piece of you mind as a mother and if she likes, she an get angry and refuse to speak to you, do not let it bother you.
Remember, whatever happens, part if not most of the blame will go to you like i already did up there for over pampering her.
What is her father saying in all this?
It is obvious the new man is part of the reason her marriage didn't work out.
Adult or not, talk to her and of she decides not to listen, you'll know you did your part.
If at the end of the day, things go south between her and her new partner, nor talk put.
I dont like that you have to walk on egg shells around her.
Best comment
DeleteMadam say the truth, you always let have have her way when she was a child, now you are crying.
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing you can do now o, she is a grown woman.
For the rest of you that allow your kids behave anyhow, any one that correct your kids you spark and ask them to mind their business, your tears is in future.
Poster your daughter is a narcissist. I can't really say why, and I wonder if you are one yourself, but judging by the tone of your narrative you are not. This of course is my opinion so I could be wrong. With narcs, if you can't get away from them, you grey rock them, you ignore them and you are neutral in your reaction to them. You can only survive a narc. Best option is to get away from them, but this is your daughter. So practice the grey rock. Please try to concentrate on your grandchild's upbringing, so she doesn't end up a narc. If you are a Believer, pray for your daughter and granddaughter. Your daughter seems to have grown up entitled. It seems she's an only child.
DeleteIt is okay to speak your mind. But more importantly, Pray for her. Character is better and easier changed through prayer than by mere words of man. Moreover, a mother's prayer matters in the life of a child. Even if you failed in your years of parenting, God is a God of mercy and nothing is impossible with Him. I have given my counsel based on my convictions as a Christian mother.
ReplyDeleteStella this your advice no follow at all.
ReplyDeleteMadam what about your husband? Why let your child control you?
Is she your only child? Give her space abeg! Which kind yeye behavior be this.
You are worrying too much.She is an adult.Let her make her own mistakes and learn.
ReplyDeleteWalk on egg shells around her for what? How? Pikin wey you born? Even if she’s feeding you.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you’re in the diaspora.
Stop baby sitting for her if she won’t have a real conversation
ReplyDeleteBe demanding like her
I feel so sad for you madam. As it stands, you just have to speak truth to her and keep being a good grandmother to your granddaughter.
ReplyDeleteThe mistake you made with your daughter,don't make it with your granddaughter.
That's the only way to move forward.
Madam please have a conversation with your daughter. Let her know your position on issues. An adage says that it is a taboo for an elder to be home and watch a shegoat birth on its tether! If you truly raised her, have that hard talk with her. I agree she is an adult but remember that if the eyes cry, the nose will too.
ReplyDeleteIs she your only child? If that is the case, some of her behavior may reflect the level of care, attention, and protection she received while growing up.
ReplyDeleteAt this stage, however, she is an adult and may be feeling constrained by continued decision-making on her behalf. It may be helpful to allow her the space to make her own choices, even if those choices may not always be the best ones.
Ultimately, she will learn from the outcomes of her decisions and grow through those experiences. Allowing her this independence could be beneficial for both of you.
Sometimes I feel stella takes molly
ReplyDeletekwakwakwakwa
DeleteHonestly. She can be so uncouth and sound so mean , cos what kind of advice is this!
DeletePoster you made your daughter what she is today, how did you train her? You're reaping what you brought up so deal with it.
ReplyDeleteFrom your description she sounds like a piece of work. Let her be but also set some boundaries for yourself. Even God leaves us to make our mistakes and live with the consequences, let her make her choices and deal with the outcome.
ReplyDeleteSorry for the difficulties you are facing with your daughter. Sit her down, let her know your mind. You have to put your foot down else she continues this way. You’ve tolerated enough from her, it’s time you start speaking up. It wouldn’t be easy, but you don’t want to watch her waste her life. As an adult, you are still her mother, don’t mind your business while watching her make mistakes.
ReplyDeleteHello Poster,
ReplyDeleteWhere is her father in all of this, and what role is he playing in checking this behaviour? From your account, it is clear you recognise that parenting may have contributed, even if you do not say so outright. That matters.
What you are dealing with is not really about religion, marriage, or the new man. It is about the ego that was indulged, the sense of control she learnt while growing up, and the need to dominate every space she occupies. This is simply how that pattern now plays out.
Your daughter appears to have learnt early that pressure works. She dominates conversations, controls access, and uses silence or anger to keep others in line, habits likely absorbed at home. This did not begin in adulthood; it is simply more visible now. People like this do not respond to correction. They respond only to clear limits.
Your pain is real, but the error is trying to remain close by shrinking yourself. That never creates intimacy; it breeds quiet resentment. You cannot manage her choices or shield her from their outcomes. What you can do is remove yourself from emotional hostage-taking.
Stop negotiating your dignity for access. Be calm, consistent, and direct. Support your granddaughter without becoming a holding bay or dumping ground. If she controls visits, accept it without protest. If she wants peace, insist on respect. You don’t lecture an adult on what you ought to have taught through their formative years. Don't chase it. No emotional bargaining. Prayer has its place, but it does not replace boundaries.
This is how you stay in her life: by standing still. Adults who fear judgement often fear accountability more. When you remove both pressure and pursuit, the power struggle ends. What remains is the relationship she is willing to sustain or prepared to keep.
And if you will be honest, that is the only solid ground left.
What’s your son in law saying in all these?
ReplyDeleteAnd why do I feel you’re not being completely honest here?
@Poster, sometimes forcing Children to adhere to their parents religion, while growing up, messes the child up and when they become adults they rebel totally..your adult child needs a total overhaul...perhaps therapy to first of all break down the defensive wall she has put up...even though you may be right, for her to listen to you, those walls need to be torn down...this is the root cause of her not being teachable and defensive. Approach this with caution, and pray for wisdom when dealing with her.
ReplyDeleteIt's such a sad situation to be in. Who does she listen to? Maybe the person can talk sense into her
ReplyDeleteThis is sad but reminds me of the fact that between parents and a child, there must be one set of tears. It's either the child cries from the pain of discipline/correction to mold their character as they grow older or the parents cry from regret, if they failed to discipline the child while young.
ReplyDelete