Hmmmmm.....
CONFUSED
Last month will make it one month that i walked away from my marriage of 15 years.
Reason was that he suddenly turned me off his life, stopped carrying me along and chose his younger sidechick over me. I didn’t beg,fight or force. I simply filed for divorce and left with my dignity intact.
Last month will make it one month that i walked away from my marriage of 15 years.
Reason was that he suddenly turned me off his life, stopped carrying me along and chose his younger sidechick over me. I didn’t beg,fight or force. I simply filed for divorce and left with my dignity intact.
I walked away and that's where my confusion and question lies....
I'm being blamed for leaving something so great..... I blamed myself too for letting go of an assignment of union...
I felt I failed God. But we kept going back and forth and even those judging me said all they could see was pride. what hurts is that he doesn't see the pain or the damage he caused and the people blaming me said I caused it.
For the past one month now, my family, especially my dad kept explaining to me that the few months age difference between us is so insignificant and he has outgrown me and wants something younger and fresh and I have now let it be......
Please my people is this soo?. That age difference between couples play a big role and goes to a large extent to determine their sXxual and physical compatibility over time despite that I'm trying my best? although our sXx life isn't as it used to be many years ago and we've both aged.
My father keeps saying he warned me to be with a man who is at least 10-15 years older in other to enjoy marriage in the long term and with a mature man but I didn't listen.
The Lord will vindicate me at the right appointed time even if it takes a decade or more.. God is faithful. I'm so confused about everything now.
Some people do not have deal breakers in relationship or marriage so that is why they are blaming you for leaving....
I don't know if staying would have broken you more or if time would have healed what he broke and hurt by his actions but if your leaving gives you peace of mind and calm then you did the right thing but if you think you left in a hurry and should have tried to work it out, remember you said he chose you over a younger side chic, meaning he rejected you.....Don't allow anyone guilt trip you into returning to your vomit.
10 to 15 years ke
ReplyDeleteWhat you are going through is fairly normal for anyone who loved their partner but still has to choose divorce.
ReplyDeleteIt is normal for folks around you to have an opinion but it only has currency if you allow it. People will talk. Let them. Don't pay attention to it.
I know it is a very hurtful and trying period for you. But time will help and heal. The scars and hurts never really go away though. I am sorry you have to go through this.
You did the right thing leaving the trash.
ReplyDeletePoster it's well with you. Confusion is necessary because you just took a lifelong decision. Time heals all wounds. You need to avoid people triggering or blaming you,for your decision,so you can heal properly.
ReplyDeleteThe honest truth is that you should've waited to work things out since there's no form of DV from your narration. The world of today its not that easy out there for divorcee both male and female especially when kids are involved because both of you are tied together for life like it or not but try to create your own happiness now atleast.
ReplyDeleteThank you. 15 years is a lot of invested years to just walk away from, so some of those people aren't wrong. It's not a man or woman thing, it's just the fact. You should've fought for your marriage. You said he chose her over you, but gave no detail on how. Obviously, from your admission, there were already compatibility issues. Allowing an outsider capitalise on that and abdicating your throne for that person, it just doesn't make sense to me. It's like Esau, just selling off his birthright because of how he was feeling at the time. It's a question of value. Sometimes, a bit of stubbornness is required for a hard reset to be done and to flush unwanted filth off the home You Created.
DeleteWhat about the kids? Was any thought given to what it'll mean to their mental health or Outlook in life or the psychological trauma that divorce would've caused?
These issues are much deeper than just 'what I Want vs what am getting '...Well, just food for thought. No-one is an expert in these matters. Peace
For now, focus on God, look good, eat healthy, make money and pay your tithe.
DeleteShine on
And carry diseases abi?
DeleteSee talk. Waited to work things out. Rarada oshi.
DeleteInstead of withering in a marriage, it’s best you walk out jejely.
ReplyDeleteLet it go completely and face your life. Don’t listen to what people are saying. It hurts, yes… but don’t give them heed.
Normal, this is what women who leave their marriage are accused of. Family, neighbours, church members, almost everyone will blame her.
ReplyDeleteYou are going to avoid your family and whoever for now, they weren't in the marriage with you and like Stella said what is a deal breaker for one may be a big deal for another.
I wish you the best going forward, I listened to a sermon by Reverend Christie Bature, she said when her hubby stepped out, he had an affair that resulted to a whole baby, she said God asked her to stay, I am bringing this up cuz you sound like you have not found peace despite leaving, maybe healing may take time or not, I don't know.
The age difference is bullshit, women who married within the same age bracket or older or younger have had to deal with this menace for the longest time
I am just led to tell you to seek the face of God, only him can give you peace that passes understanding
Why did you leave your marriage for a side chick?
ReplyDeleteWhy did he leave her for a side goat?
Delete,15:49 and 16:30, if you ask me na who I go ask?
DeleteFoolish question. Go and ask Google.
DeleteMy wife is 9 months younger than I, yet our home was/is not threatened by the small age gap BUT by evil spirits whom God revealed and help us to overcome.
ReplyDeleteKeep your head up! You will be happier for it in the long run! He didn’t just cheat on you, he chose his side piece over you! That’s unforgivable!
ReplyDeleteLet them blame you but they are not you and their deal breaker isn’t urs.
If you have found peace, then trouble your head no more. Forget the naysayers !
ReplyDeleteAge difference is not the issue - dont let anyone guilt you with that. Plenty marriage where the woman is even older than the man and nobody is talking about outgrowing anyone - Gabrielle union and Dwayne; Priyanka and Nick, Eva Mendes and Ryan, Richards Branson and late wife. Is EPA not older than princess? Make them leave age aside and talk something else. Mtcheeeww. Marriage is not assignment - it should be joy and peace and companionship. If it gives you peace of mind to walk away, do it. If you want to get back together with him, open you eyes well, calculte well and do it. Na your life o; but dont let any guilt and shame you....
ReplyDeleteNo let anybody deceived you about this age of a thing.
DeleteI am a Nigerian, living in Nigeria now. I am 11 years older than my husband and we are happily married. Do what works for you.
I have searched for love in my age mate but I did not see, I met a younger guy and I told him my age , he still insisted and married me. 11 years age different
DeleteOur parents are still a live and we came from very proud tribe.
DeleteDo what work for you.
Madam, people OUTGROW people. It's not an age thing but a matter of skills, intellect, experience etc. That's the reason it's usually advocated to improve yourself as your partner also does or at least be involved. That way, everyone is on similar wavelength.
DeleteYou did not fail God. You chose dignity over betrayal, and God sees your heart.
ReplyDeleteThe Lord is close to the brokenhearted.(Psalm 34:18)
Just make peace with your self first and be happy.
Are you older than him? I don't understand.
ReplyDeleteSorry o
Please go and play with your toys or finish your homework.
DeleteLeave adult talk.
Anon 20.16. You wicked o 😆 🤣 😂 😹 😆 🤣 😂 😹
DeleteLIKE THE COMMENT ABOVE MINE HAS SHOWN, IF YOU HAVE FOUND PEACE THEN YOU DON'T NEED TO WORRY ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE HAVE TO SAY. IF NOT SO, THEN A FEW THINGS COMES TO MIND: WHEN A MARRIAGE IS HAVING PROBLEMS, IT IS USUALLY THE CULTURE( IN CHRISTIANITY AND NIGERIAN TRADITIONS) TO LOOK FOR SOLUTION TO THE PROBLEMS, SO THAT THE MARRIAGE WOULD WORK AGAIN. THAT IS WHEN YOU INVOLVE YOUR FAMILY, HIS, YOUR PASTOR, SOMEONE OR PEOPLE HE RESPECTS TO HELP MEND THE PROBLEM. I DON'T KNOW WHETHER YOU FOLLOWED THAT PART OR NOT. AGAIN, I HOPE THE DIVORCE WON'T CREATE MORE PROBLEM THAN IT HAS SOLVED. ARE YOU READY FINANCIALLY? I HOPE YOU WON'T END UP DATING ANOTHER MARRIED MAN. I DON'T SUBSCRIBE TO FIGHTING FOR YOUR MARRIAGE, BUT I AM A PROPONENT OF GIVING SOME TIME TO KNOW WHETHER A SOLUTION COULD BE FOUND. IF PEOPLE DON'T WAIT FOR SOLUTIONS TO THE PROBLEMS IN THEIR MARRIAGES, THEY MAY END UP MARRYING FIVE TIMES. I SINCERELY SYMPATHIZE WITH YOU; NOBODY LIKES REJECTION, BUT A LITTLE PATIENCE IS SOMETIMES NEEDED TO HAVE TESTIMONY OF VICTORY OR TESTIMONY OF HOW YOU TRIED BUT STILL THE PROBLEMS PERSISTED. ANOTHER THING IS THIS; IT MAKES ROOM FOR DIALOGUE AND COMMUNAL INTERVENTION WHEN YOU FIRST SEPARATE BECAUSE OF THE PROBLEMS THAN TAKING THE FINAL ACTION OF DIVORCE. I WILL TELL YOU A STORY( WHICH YOU MIGHT HAVE READ OR HEARD ELSEWHERE). ONE WOMAN DIVORCED HER HUSBAND ON ACCOUNT OF CHEATING. SHE WAS BEING PAID 150,000 K MONTHLY CHILD SUPPORT. AFTER A WHILE, SHE BROUGHT HER STORY TO A FACEBOOK PAGE AND STATED PLAINLY THAT SHE STILL LOVED HER HUSBAND, BUT THEN, THE HUSBAND HAS REMARRIED. MOST OF THE ADVICE CENTERED ON LEANING HER DECISION TO DIVORCE NOT ON PEOPLE'S OPINION BUT HER PERSONAL RESOLVE THAT SHE DOE NOT WANT TO LIVE WITH THE MAN AGAIN. THE OTHER ADVICE WAS AS I HAVE STATED, INSTEAD OF THE ULTIMATE DIVORCE, SEPARATE SO THAT PEOPLE ON BOTH SIDES WILL PUT MOUTH INTO THE PROBLEMS.
ReplyDeleteThe only people who know what happened in the marriage are you and your ex, and even within that you may both have completely different interpretations of what went wrong. Nobody can tell you how much you should endure in anything, if you feel that your cup has overflowed in pain and you want it to stop then so be it. Should you have tried to save it, make attempts in some way? Only you can answer that question. We do not know how much strength you had, maybe all you had was just enough to walk away with your self- respect.
ReplyDeleteDivorce petitions are not filed and granted on the same day. There is time to reconcile even after a filing. Your husband could have within that time worked to save the marriage. If there was no authentic attempts made by him to save the marriage after you filed then that answers it all. It is not the person who filed for divorce who broke the marriage, but the one who created the pressure cooker situation that made the union no longer bearable. Ignoring and depriving one’s spouse of love and affection while flaunting your mistress is torture and punishment, nobody should be expected to live through that.
There’s no rule to these things. My husband is 14yrs older and I just recently left my 10yr old marriage. We just don’t connect. The age difference is a major factor. Our reasoning and understanding are worlds apart. I’ve been patient for 10yrs hoping it would get better but it hasn’t.
ReplyDeleteFigured I have this one life to live and I’m not going to spend it constantly feeling frustrated and lonely in the name of staying married. He was emotionally unavailable and when I complained he dismisses it as “whining”
. Focusing on me now. It’s been a great few months, dating someone now who is 4yrs older and so far so good. We understand each other and our communication is super great. I feel seen and heard with him. He doesn’t see vulnerability as weakness like my ex did and we are each other’s safe space. My voice is valued and my concerns doesn’t come off ever as “whining”.
My advice to you is to focus on yourself. Leave the past behind and stop the regrets. Level up emotionally, physically and every area possible so you can attract high value relationships. And enjoy your singlehood.
You are only a few months into the relationship, and this phase often feels intense. Time will tell how things truly stand, especially after the cookie jar has been explored.
DeleteDon’t ever beg a man to pick you or love you. Because even if you lay your head at his feet, he will go for what he wants in the end. It is best as you left with your dignity intact.
ReplyDeleteIt’s one of the most painful things to watch a home you built with blood and sweat for 15 years crumble, but you did what you had to do.
Ignore every naysayer, like you said, God will vindicate you
I liked how you handled it They didn't break you.You left with your dignity intact . Don't mind what people are saying.ls over.God will give a new beginning.ls well.
ReplyDeleteWhy are they blaming you for a man that ruined his own family?
ReplyDeleteEven when he cheated on you, you are still being blamed for it.
Some women have really suffered!!
Heii God!!!🙁🤯
From your chronicle it's as you are silently missing your ex but trying to cover it up somehow.
ReplyDeleteIf you know the fire is still there you can reignite it.
Leaving your marriage is not encouraging for me. You will eventually become a side chick you ran away from.
My advice, if the man is ready to amend his way please give him another chance because it rains everywhere.
You should have separated not divorced so as to help with your confusion.
ReplyDeleteRight now, you will be blamed . But if you have found your peace,shalom.
It's sad how people gaslight someone when they make decisions concerning themselves. So crazy
ReplyDeleteYou should have sent this chronicles before filing for the divorce,some long standing marriage has survived worst scenario, did you pray and ask God what to do, before filing for the divorce?
ReplyDeleteHello Poster,
ReplyDeleteThoughtfully looking at your issue, I can't place how age, sex, faith, or even divorce fits in - but you wore the shoe. Rather it is rejection, and the human mind’s response to those sprouts. When a partner emotionally exits a marriage unapologetically and publicly replaces their spouse, the injury doesn't just stay marital; it becomes existential. And because of that, the abandoned partner is left to wrestle with shame, self-blame, and the desperate need to make sense of a wound they did not self-inflict.
That is why confusion follows such a departure as with your case: your mind keeps searching for a mistake that would restore order within. Families and friends often worsen this by reframing these betrayals as something that should be endured, seeing your dignity as pride, and the pain that it attracts as a spiritual failure. All of which are cultural reflexes that preserve institutions at the expense of the individuals involved.
Time has shown us that people survive long-term unions not by age gaps or sexual novelty, but by mutual regard, emotional safety, and shared effort. When one person withdraws any or all of these and invests them elsewhere, the marriage is already fractured, regardless.
Staying in that situation does not always heal; sometimes it slowly erodes the self. Leaving also does not answer the questions of the fear of failing; it means you recognised the point at which marriage stopped working for your union and self-respect becomes the only choice that makes sense and restores your wholeness.
I sympathise with the public judgement or theological arithmetic on you. At this point, you should accept your grief without the shame, set further boundaries without apology, and heal without rewriting this reality. The deed has been done. Peace does not come from proving you were right or made the wrong move. It comes from refusing to carry blame that was never yours.