COLD FEET IN MARRIAGE
It’s been two years with no intimacy and we sleep in the same bed. I feel heavy and decided to share.
He said he was not ready for a child and I got pregnant when we never discussed it....... I was 29 then and we already did intro, and we were sleeping with each other unprotected and pregnancy came ooo .
Imagine getting pregnant for the man plans are already underway for you to marry ...... he said he loves the child but I don't even understand.
It feels like I dated a stranger, I'm dazed cause this isn’t who I dated, he has even asked me to leave...
Families have begged and he said no that he doesn’t want wifey responsibility, they told him but you took us to their house to ask for her hand in marriage and he said ''I no do again na by force, I need to live my life''..... Ok what did she do, nothing, did you catch her cheating when you were dating he said never, or is her character bad he said not at all, so what is the problem? I just feel tied down with this whole marriage shit and he wants the custody of his son.
Just like that I am becoming a single mum...
Guys please share words of encouragement or way forward with me. Everything feels shocking...
GBENSHING BEFORE MARRIAGE!!!....this is what Apostle Eucharia was preaching against!!!
This is what happens when you enter marriage with a heavy load....The man is overwhelmed with financial responsibilities and other stuff.....Well, it is not the end of the world. if he doesnt want again, move out since he said you should leave so that it doesnt turn to physical altercation.....
Things may change later but for now, go and live your live, get some Education if you dont have and get a Job...Build your life and dont wait for him!
If he doesn't want again, Poster pls go back to your family with your child. If you continue to live with him, he will so frustrate the living daylight out of you.
ReplyDeleteThis is the script most gay men use for women; marry a woman, get a child or children, look for ANY EXCUSE to end the marriage and continue sleeping with men in secret. End Of Story.
DeleteHe wants custody of his son,because that was his plan from the start;A CHILD..the intro and "small thing" done on your head as per marriage is more like "SakaManje"...he alone knew his end plan from the start.
ReplyDeleteNothing like being overwhelmed or whatever reason;he knew exactly what he wanted;chose a weakest link;went for whom he knew would easily give up child custody;and there you are.
You think training a child till 18 years is cheaper than keeping a wife at home??
Poster,sit up and turn the table around;take him unaware and refuse to give him custody of his long term goal;train that child!
The same two hands he has to work,you have it too,plus financial success is not tied to only a man;you can do it too;if you believe,then focus and work.
He doesn't love you;never did.no one goes through the stress of marriage intro,payment of dowry and all,just to wake up less than two years after pregnancy and say they don't want a wife again;but they need the child??
He wanted your womb cos it's an easier option,compared to the expense and stress of looking for a surrogate,donor eggs and the likes..
Wish you all the best.
@MARTINS
Kai!!! Oil dey your head 👏👏👏👏
DeleteMartins i don’t totally agree with you. I have seen a man totally hate his wife simply because she got pregnant when he had told her he didnt want any more babies. So yes, a man can love you and marry you, but if you don’t stick to the plan, esp regarding having babies, he can turn around and hate the woman and become monstrous towards her.
DeleteExactly, he didn't want to go " baby mama" way, that's why he didn't intro.
DeleteIt happened to my sister too. This man knew that my sister will not get pregnant without her dowry being paid. He convinced her that he will do small dowry celebration, then the wedding will be big. Three months after, this man started asking my sister why she has not missed her period.
My sister explained that she was waiting after the wedding, he told her that they are already married, so she should fear that once she is pregnant, then he will fix the wedding. Eventually my sister got pregnant, the wedding preparation started, before you know it, he develops cold feet, didn't do the wedding again. My sister gave birth to a baby boy. He started finding faults with her, lastly he said he don't want to marry again, that our family should return his dowry. We did, the boy is with my sister now.
It was later we heard that he actually wanted to have a son legally, then he will be free to enjoy himself. Later when he is tired, he will marry the main wife and wed her.
It's painful but God's judgement will come upon him one day.
Hi @16:06,you have a valid point;but in the above scenario as in the above chronicles;he still went ahead with unprotected gbenshing;and that is the issue(indecisiveness and ojukokoro).
DeleteIf you take a decision,do everything legally possible as a man to stick to your plan;you can't say you don't want a child and still use the same brain to have unprotected s*x;the two of you are to take responsibility for your actions..
Now the deed has been done,and you want the child;but you don't want the mother that gave you that child?
Who does that?
@MARTINS
I agree with Martins. That's what many men do nowadays. Especially the ones that claim to be alpha male. We have them alot around here.
DeleteDid we all read the same Chronicle? The man said he didn't want a child, she went ahead to have one. What do you expect? A pat on the back? Major TRUST is broken here. That,'it takes two argument doesn't apply here. You Trust the other person to keep to the terms of the agreement.
DeleteA man had a plan...now it's altered because someone was being insincere...what if now, because of the altered plans, he finds it difficult coping, it'll be a different kind of Chronicle but still similar responses.
She messed up. She needs to hear that and know it.
If you want the man back, show him you can now be a team player and not a Shrew and Maybe it'll turn around.
P.S... If I were him, I also won't touch you, before you dash me twins I didn't ask for.
So if he didn’t want a child, why’s he asking for custody of the same child?
Deleteyou need to move out from that house since he has already told your family and his that he is no longer interested in the marriage. If you are doing something just focus your energy more on what you are doing, there is no need to remain in a marriage where there is no love. Your husband is no longer into you, he is tired of the whole thing and still want to play around. You birthed a son for him already, he is okay with one child. Allow the child stay with him so that you can have time to focus on either work, business, education. Never allow him to meet you same place he left you, make sure you get something strong doing.
ReplyDeleteYou will be fine, just don't go begging and crying. You cannot force a man to love or marry you.
Hmmmn
ReplyDeleteE-hugs to you poster.Please, leave him and go do something great with your life,before he starts adding beating to the equation
ReplyDeleteGive him his space have something going for yourself. Men theyre not worth it take it from experience if you take your son glow up and do your thing 80% chance he will come back begging.. free him have your family support and TAKE YOUR SON
ReplyDeleteSimple
DeleteBoth the poster and the slimeful weasel of a boy she married are idiots. I will sugarcoat nothing.
ReplyDeleteA man steps up and does right by himself and those he is responsible for. Only a lowlife coward and a fu*king piece of shit gets a woman pregnant, marries her, welcomes the child and now due to the overabundance of his emotional and mental immaturity, decides he needs to live HIS life without a care for the woman he is responsible for and the child in the union.
How can you be having unprotected sex and then say you don't want children? How can you allow yourself get pregnant for a man who has clearly told you he isn't ready to be a father? Two fools trying to play each other off and now one is left holding the bag with a child to suffer the consequences.
I'm not versed enough in customary law to know what it says regarding custody of the child. Needless to say, be prepared to pick up the pieces of your life and plough a better course for yourself. The person you married is not one committed to staying the course and willing to be committed for the long haul.
Poster, if you will hear me out, I will advise you to leave.
ReplyDeleteYou may not understand what your husband is feeling, but I understand him perfectly well.
My own experience is that if I had been properly educated about the mental stress that comes with having children, honestly, I would have married a lady who cannot give birth, not a lady who doesn’t want to give birth, because pregnancy can happen by mistake.
I have accepted my fate and I’m navigating it day by day, hoping that one day I will get used to it.
Sometimes I feel like giving my wife 70% of everything I have, taking the remaining 30%, relocating to another country, and starting a completely new life. But then I imagine the heartbreak my wife would go through and how sad my children would feel when they grow up, knowing that their father abandoned them and their mother simply because I was not mentally prepared to have kids.
I don’t know how to fully express how I feel.
Financial stability is one thing, but mental and emotional stability to raise children is the real deal and people are not talking about it enough.
What I’m saying is that your husband may not be emotionally or mentally ready for marriage, it may not be financial responsibility.
Problems and challenges are all part of life sir,and a real man knows that until death even without wife or kids;there would be challenges here or there as you go about your daily activities;because Good and bad days are all part of this wonderful life we are living..
DeleteAnother harsh truth is,if finances isn't a problem like you said; and a man isn't emotionally and mentally ready to train a child,his pen*s as a full fledged man should also not be "erectionally" ready to gbensh until he is man enough to take up responsibilities...because the end result for s*x between adults is pregnancy and next is a child.
It is not okay before God and Man to be part of an action;and then want to run away from the responsibilities or consequences;that's an act of cowardice.
When you make love to any woman,the award and end result is not a plasma TV or ticket to heaven,it's a child!
I wish you all the best and may God come through for you and everyone out there.
@MARTINS
Martins i was the anon under ur previous comment that said, i dnt totally agree with you. Now i totally agree with you. U r wise and ur lecture on responsibility is well taken. God bless u.
DeleteThanks for your kind words @17:25;already replied you above before seeing this.
DeleteWe are all here to learn from each other,nobody has life all figured out;not even me.but taking responsibility for every action you take makes you an adult and a responsible man or woman in life.
Wishing you a blessed time🍻🍻
@MARTINS
Martins, advice is sweet and understandable when you are the mouth speaking it. When you become the ear hearing it, you will understand the reality .
DeleteHave you ever been in a position that your money can't help you, and All you need is to pray to God and hoping for miracle?
Anyway, a man is suppose to bottle up his emotions.
Like I said, I don't know how to describe how I feel, but if the mental stress was explained to me well, I would have married a Lady that is MEDICALLY CERTIFIED UNFIT TO GIVE BIRTH.
God help me as I try to be mentally strong.
People should know that some people don't want marriage or kids, just the way you want marriage and kids.
The way people sound weird to you when they say they don't want marriage or kids, that's the same way you sound weird to them when you say you want marriage and kids.
Anyway, you may not understand or pretending not to understand.
The poster should leave and discuss how to co-parent in peace.
Blaming one party or both won't solve the issue.
You could have just gotten a vasectomy. You men are not just nice people. Always toying with people and looking for who to play sick games with
DeleteI think you can sue the guy .. emotional damage and he also is dubious . He had unprotected sex with you , claimed he wanted a family and now he has changed his mind all of a sudden .. milk him and make money. Him mind go dey . My 2 cents
Delete15:40, I know exactly how you feel. I'm a lady and honestly, I don't want marriage nor kids. I don't know why people think we must all want the same thing. What I went through with my mum because of my brothers illness, It's well. We are still struggling till now.
DeleteInstead of looking for a women who cannot give birth, why not have a vasectomy.
DeleteTypical empty headed, selfish Nigerian man, always thinking of what will benefit them alone.
Go and get a vasectomy so you can grow up. Let someone hear rurd.
You men can't even go through a quarter of shat women go through during their periods, pregnancy, childbirth, post partum etc.
Always whining like mosquitoes.
Words of encouragement? What do you mean? You should be relieved. Happy! Free at last to restart your life. Free from someone who doesn't love you. Free to hope and dream again. Free for stagnation You should be overjoyed. Excited I beg God has released you from shackles. I am so happy and excited for you. Go and plan your new life.
ReplyDeleteOga bayi o , iru awon eniyan wo ni eleyi bayi? Wonder shall never end.
ReplyDeleteYou cant' force a man to embrace what he doesn't. Some men are like that, as soon as they have had enough of the cookie jar, it doesn't interest them again. Move on and get the best of your life in business or education, ensure you are successful. Do not release your child and ensure you get a legal backing since you guys aren't married. That doesn't mean you won't find love again.
ReplyDeleteAt 27, weren’t you a little too young to try to force a marriage with a child
ReplyDeleteIf your finances are not in order stay till you get yourself together
ReplyDeleteBut you need to be making your way out of thetre because even if he married you even marriage is not by force
This is horrible. How do you get through to someone who had shut down and shut you out? He is literally treating you as invisible and insignificant. If you stay with him the child will grow never to respect and honour you, because he will want to emulate his father eventually. Leaving is a must. He will face God when God is ready for him, but do not stay there withering away or becoming a pillar of salt. People can die from heartbreak, and all the other ailments that a broken heart creates. Your conscience is free in all of this, your hands are clean so you can leave with your head held high, let nobody try to shame, pity or humiliate you. Walk with your head held high knowing that you are faultless and blameless.
ReplyDeleteMartins gave good advice above. Go seek your prosperity and success, it is not tied to him. He is not the author or finisher of your story. Keep your son so he does not condition his mind against you. I don’t trust that he is a honourable person in any way.
@I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this. I can only imagine how heavy it must feel right now.
ReplyDeleteHow far along are you? If it’s still very early, you still have time to think through your options carefully. But please, don’t sit back hoping things will magically sort themselves out — especially if deep down you know you can’t handle this alone. This is the same person that led you into doing introduction, and now he’s asking you to leave. Words are easy. Today he says he’ll take custody, tomorrow he might say he’s not ready or can’t do it when reality sets in, people change, and you have seen the phase 1, the phase 2 is about to unfold if you don't ya ara e ni brain.
Please think about your future, your peace, and what you truly want for your life. Don’t make a decision out of fear, pressure, or promises that haven’t been consistent. Choose what protects you emotionally, mentally, and physically. Whatever you decide, let it be something you can live with peacefully, not something you were pushed into. You deserve stability, love, and a partner who is sure about you, not someone who keeps changing their mind.
You almost married a Man-Boy . Sis it's not the end of the road or life for you. The best revenge is upgrade yourself now. Don't let him meet you same place he left you . Whatever you do, take your son along !.
ReplyDeletePoster, take your child and leave. If you beg and he allow you stay, you will have yourself to blame.
ReplyDeleteIf he has told you to leave, just leave, stop forcing yourself on someone that doesn't love you.
ReplyDeletePoster pack up and leave. Don't allow him to frustrate you or make you depressed.
ReplyDeleteLikeee. Poster what are you still doing in his house?. Until they kpai you?
DeleteVery sad. But please leave. I know it's easier said than done, but you will find your way soon one step at a time
ReplyDeleteI share the perspectives of both DOGgedity and Martins, but that's could be a part of the coin. The other part may be deeper that what we see on the surface.
ReplyDeletePoster, what you are facing is not “cold feet.” It is a man who liked the idea of marriage and fatherhood but was not internally prepared for it reality. The label “married” can feel heavy to someone who still equates commitment with loss of freedom. Detachment then becomes their escape.
In our culture, introduction and family involvement create momentum. Once that process starts, it feels settled. Poster, you also leaned on that structure, assuming intimacy and family approval meant shared readiness. They do not. Social progression is not the same as shared mental readiness.
You both avoided a hard truth. He enjoyed unprotected sex while claiming not to want a child shows he lived in a denial that outsourced responsibility to chance. Now he wants freedom without consequence. Pregnancy did not create this fracture; it exposed it.
His stance shows that you cannot negotiate someone into readiness. When a partner withdraws this firmly, persuasion rarely restores respect. If he has asked you to leave, staying will only deepen rejection and tension. That environment is unhealthy for you and your child.
Move strategically, without warped confused emotions. Clarify custody legally and financial responsibility. Keep your child unless you genuinely lack capacity and support. Build income. Strengthen your network going forward.
This is painful, yes. But clarity is better than prolonged humiliation. What his behaviour is telling you is to believe this version. Prioritise your peace and mental health. And let stability guide you now.
So sorry you're experiencing this. That man is both wicked and immature.
ReplyDeleteIt's sad but I'm afraid you need to leave. Stop trying to convince someone who has already decided. If he feels trapped, even if he stays, resentment will eventually poison everything.
What matters now is stable income for you, support system and emotional healing.
Whatever happens, do not leave your son behind. I wish you all the best.
Stella this your red ink d tire me sometimes.
ReplyDeleteWetin your Pastor Eucharia talk?
You wey be Stella,you no gbensh before marriage?
The man is self centered and irresponsible
Someone above said until you wear the shoe, you won't understand. I am married, had kids, same gender, was ok and was very clear with madam about ithe need to wait and was also careful.....very careful but then she got pregnant: How and Why? That was the question. It was maddening...and frankly, it's enough, if you aren't careful to create deep resentment.
ReplyDeleteI love the kids GOD BLESSED me to oversee BUT I also know and have experienced the frustration that comes with someone having their own agenda while seeming to play along with yours. Both women, mine and the poster aren't bad women but sometimes people act and assume that as long as the answer is correct it means the equation is right...NO, it doesn't work that way.
Granted ,the man is being a little extreme But, I do understand him. If he was as Irresponsible as the Assessors of Responsibility on the blog have opined, why then is he willing to take FULL responsibility for the child, giving her the opportunity to go live her life?
It's easy to read and do the band wagon castigating without looking at things from both ends.
Anyway, hope it all turns out for the best.
✌️
He didn’t tell her not to get pregnant
DeleteHe said he didn’t want the child after the pregnancy
He’s mad she didn’t abort
Poster,his mind is made-up so just pack up and leave,make sure your son goes with you.. it's well.
ReplyDeleteYou shouldn't reject yourself because a man rejected you after introduction. Thank God that it's just a child not children.
ReplyDeleteGod is saving you from unhappy marriage.
Just move out and move on with your life. Someone else will value you and share forever with you.
Keep contact with your son. See tha man as dead .