BREAK UP OR NOT?
Hi blog visitors,
I need your honest opinion on this. Please, no insults or AI generated responses (I already asked chapgpt..lol).
I am a Nigerian lady that lives in Canada, currently, I am in relationship with a Nigerian man that resides in Canada too. I have my permanent residency and he has a Canadian passport.
I am in my late twenties and he is in his mid thirties, we are both highly educated with good corporate jobs. We do not live together and have been in a relationship for a year and six months.
We have similar hobbies, same religion, and I enjoy spending time with him.
Six months into the relationship, I told him that my Asian friend was single and searching. His response was "she does not have to worry about it, she has so many options, black men will prefer to date her than date any black woman".
I need your honest opinion on this. Please, no insults or AI generated responses (I already asked chapgpt..lol).
I am a Nigerian lady that lives in Canada, currently, I am in relationship with a Nigerian man that resides in Canada too. I have my permanent residency and he has a Canadian passport.
I am in my late twenties and he is in his mid thirties, we are both highly educated with good corporate jobs. We do not live together and have been in a relationship for a year and six months.
We have similar hobbies, same religion, and I enjoy spending time with him.
Six months into the relationship, I told him that my Asian friend was single and searching. His response was "she does not have to worry about it, she has so many options, black men will prefer to date her than date any black woman".
I was shocked by the statement and we started arguing. I asked him, what is wrong with black women? his response was "I have been in a relationship with both black women and white women, my most difficult relationship was with black women, also all my friends that dated black women are currently dating or married to white or Asian women and they are so happy with the white or Asian women, they all have bad experiences with black women.
I was really disturbed by his statement and asked another follow up question. I asked him, if both of us were to marry and have a baby girl, if a man makes this kind of statement towards her, how will he feel? He said he will try to understand what the man is saying and the reason for making such statement.
That same month, I told him about my Nigerian friend that is going out with a white man. I mentioned that her mother was a bit hesitant about the relationship but that currently, she is happy with the relationship. His response was "sometimes African parents wont let their children marry whom they want, they want an African person so that they can get along with the person and even love the person more than you love the person". I asked if he was referring to me because I have met his parents twice and we were able to get along. I told him, if he wanted to go back to dating white women, he should feel free.
The next month, I hung out with a Nigerian girl that I met on bumble BFF (an app for finding platonic friends). After the meet up, I told him about it. He is next reaction was "I don't really want you to have Nigerian friends, most of my own friends are really diverse".
I was really disturbed by his statement and asked another follow up question. I asked him, if both of us were to marry and have a baby girl, if a man makes this kind of statement towards her, how will he feel? He said he will try to understand what the man is saying and the reason for making such statement.
That same month, I told him about my Nigerian friend that is going out with a white man. I mentioned that her mother was a bit hesitant about the relationship but that currently, she is happy with the relationship. His response was "sometimes African parents wont let their children marry whom they want, they want an African person so that they can get along with the person and even love the person more than you love the person". I asked if he was referring to me because I have met his parents twice and we were able to get along. I told him, if he wanted to go back to dating white women, he should feel free.
The next month, I hung out with a Nigerian girl that I met on bumble BFF (an app for finding platonic friends). After the meet up, I told him about it. He is next reaction was "I don't really want you to have Nigerian friends, most of my own friends are really diverse".
My response was "I enjoy having Nigerian friends, 95 % of my friends are Nigerian, they have been really kind and helpful to me, all my sisters are Nigerian and I love them. I don't choose friends based on country or colour, any body can be a bad person". We had an argument about this for a while.
10 months into the relationship, we were discussing about our experiences on bumble (a dating app), he now said that he was really mean to black women on the app, that he argued a lot with them. I asked him, why did you now match with me on the app? After the discussion, it made me remember my experience with him on bumble, he was always complaining that our conversation was not flowing as he wanted.
During that same month, I sent him a couple of my throwback pictures, he started making fun of my throwback pictures, I got so mad, that I started crying, it made me remember how I was bullied in high school and University and made me remember the comments that he made about black women. I called off the relationship that day, he apologized and we got back together.
Several times, he has invited me to hang out with his friends that are in interracial relationships and I declined because I won't feel comfortable (knowing that they have such opinion regarding black women).
10 months into the relationship, we were discussing about our experiences on bumble (a dating app), he now said that he was really mean to black women on the app, that he argued a lot with them. I asked him, why did you now match with me on the app? After the discussion, it made me remember my experience with him on bumble, he was always complaining that our conversation was not flowing as he wanted.
During that same month, I sent him a couple of my throwback pictures, he started making fun of my throwback pictures, I got so mad, that I started crying, it made me remember how I was bullied in high school and University and made me remember the comments that he made about black women. I called off the relationship that day, he apologized and we got back together.
Several times, he has invited me to hang out with his friends that are in interracial relationships and I declined because I won't feel comfortable (knowing that they have such opinion regarding black women).
The time that I hung out with his single friend (a Nigerian man) and him, the single friend asked me if they are white women at my job that I can introduce him to. I was shocked by the statement. I know that everybody has their preference but sometimes racist can hide behind having a preference.
Recently, I called off the relationship last month because I kept thinking of the statement that he made about black women, I do not want to end up with a man that does not find me physically attractive or that does not love me for whom I am. He apologized and we got back together.
We are both planning the future together but sometimes, I think that he is planning the future with me because I am Nigerian (his parents can get along with-we speak same native tongue), his ex girlfriends did not agree to travel to Nigeria with him or contribute financially to a future home (I agreed to travel to Nigeria with him once in a while and I agree to bring half of the down payment for our future home).
I can't seem to get that statement off my mind (from time to time, it resurfaces). Is the statement a red flag? I know we all make ignorant statements from time to time, should I try to forget the statement? If yes, how can I forget the statement? Should we go for a couple's therapy together?
I told my therapist about the statement and she asked me to reflect on it and give her a response a month from now.
Am I overthinking? In the future, I don't want to have a daughter with him and then he will tell her that a white or Asian woman is more likely to find a boyfriend in Canada than her.
Maybe the devil is playing tricks on my mind... haha.
FYI: I am very pretty dark skinned girl, I have self confidence and I am not scared of being single.
Best regards,
Blog Visitor.
Recently, I called off the relationship last month because I kept thinking of the statement that he made about black women, I do not want to end up with a man that does not find me physically attractive or that does not love me for whom I am. He apologized and we got back together.
We are both planning the future together but sometimes, I think that he is planning the future with me because I am Nigerian (his parents can get along with-we speak same native tongue), his ex girlfriends did not agree to travel to Nigeria with him or contribute financially to a future home (I agreed to travel to Nigeria with him once in a while and I agree to bring half of the down payment for our future home).
I can't seem to get that statement off my mind (from time to time, it resurfaces). Is the statement a red flag? I know we all make ignorant statements from time to time, should I try to forget the statement? If yes, how can I forget the statement? Should we go for a couple's therapy together?
I told my therapist about the statement and she asked me to reflect on it and give her a response a month from now.
Am I overthinking? In the future, I don't want to have a daughter with him and then he will tell her that a white or Asian woman is more likely to find a boyfriend in Canada than her.
Maybe the devil is playing tricks on my mind... haha.
FYI: I am very pretty dark skinned girl, I have self confidence and I am not scared of being single.
Best regards,
Blog Visitor.
Hmmmmm you are seeing it with your eyes now but you are asking questions instead.......Not only is he bad bad red flag but all his friends are...You said you are pretty and have self confidence? then why are you dating to marry someone like this?
Dont forget to send in your chronicle in a few years......
I couldn't even finish reading your chronicle, it was annoying. You people should just break up abeg.
ReplyDeleteThere you have it, folks. I’ve always maintained that Black people can sometimes be more racist toward one another than white people. We hate ourselves, and this is mental slavery on full display.
DeleteAbeg, leave this guy alone. This was how that Obumselu guy was insulting Black women until his white girlfriend stabbed him to death. Till today, there has been no justice.
I was going to ask you guys why still dating at that age since nothing is holding you back from being married? then I kept reading. I haven't even read it to the end and i came to drop this comment. You want to marry someone that wants to settle for you. Let me continue reading.
ReplyDeleteHe
I haven't read all as every line I read makes me want to slap you. Is the dîck game that good and you are willing to ask it all? Did they write his name on your forehead?
ReplyDeleteI want to read from you tomorrow telling us you have broken up with him. That's the only time I will take you serious. Let him go and find a white woman.
**risk it all
DeleteAbort mission. Everything about this guy is screaming narcissistic.
ReplyDeleteYou don’t have self confidence tho and you’re scared of being single because why are you still in a relationship with a man who bullied and trolled you on a dating app, made you cry and has plainly told you he doesn’t like his race ?! A man who’s said he prefers a Caucasian or Asian woman to his fellow black woman ? A man whose friends are equally bad and racist like him?!
ReplyDeleteYou’ve self esteem issues and clearly want to marry so bad because why are you still there ?!
He even has friends who look down on their women? How hilarious .
ReplyDeleteI have read everything now and you know what to do. The moment he made jokes about you, when he saw your throwback pictures was when you were meant to run. Your partner should be your hypeman. Even tho he apologized his first reaction is his fixed opinion of you.
He is not satisfied with you. You think your self esteem is high? It's just a matter of time if you don't do the needful. You are a convenience to him. Someone is poking you daily , telling you his mind in Capital letter, giving you hints and using his own mouth to expose himself yet you are not getting it.
He is even controlling telling you who to be friends with and who not to. Even your therapists has stylishly given you the leeway to embrace clarity but you are still hear asking questions. An ignorant statement would not be made over and over and over and overrrrrrrrr again till a person's ears get blocked. That's is how he feels and I ma sure he must have told his friend he is managing you. Else what audacity do you think the friend had to talk to you like that?
If he said lots of nice things about you and how you are different, his friend would be dying to meet your black colleague or friends, thinking and wondering they may be like you.
They will always have bad experiences with black women since they are already biased even if they meet a saint they won't be satisfied.
It's called a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The women they are hyping wasn't I friends with all of them . I have been friend with women from different races and I don't see the hype.
I hope you know you don't have to tolerate disrespect from anyone in life. You don't have to.
I have read you post again and you just proved me right again when I said I dont understand the hype about those women your boyfriend and his friends are praising.
DeleteNigerian women are more tolerant, accommodating and kinder. That was why I didn't even comment on yesterday's chronicle when people were telling the wife to support her husband financially in the home without expecting the man to support in household chores and taking care of the kids. It's a privilege a lot of men won't have when they date out.
Those his beloved non-Black ex-girlfriends, the ones he and his friends put on a pedestal refused to contribute financially to a home with him and he would still share in dsily cooking, taking out the trash, school runs and cleaning the house etc with those ladies yet to them, the ladies are still better. He should go and cheat on them even though he provides 100% or physically assault them and see his life will turn out.
The day a friend just looked at a gurl who walked by, I remember what his eyes saw that day. Just like this your boyfriend he only likes to date non-black women.
Your boyfriend is suffering from Internalized Anti-Blackness & Misogynoir.
You asked how he would feel if a man said that to your future Black daughter? And he said he would try to understand the man? That's the most chilling part of the entire gist. A father's fundamental biological and spiritual instinct should be to protect his offspring. He just admitted that if a man racially degraded his own child, he would side with the disrespect to see if the guy had a "valid point." He is not a protector, If he won't defend his own hypothetical daughter and It shows a severe lack of emotional maturity for a man in his mid-thirties. You cannot build a safe, peaceful home with a man who resents the very fabric of your identity. If you stay, you will spend the rest of your life trying to prove to him that you aren't like "those other difficult Black women," walking on eggshells to appease a man who doesn't even like his own reflection.
His hatred for black women turned him into a malicious Troll that he intentionally matched with Black women just to be "mean" to them and you were the only one who tolerated him out of all of them, yet you claim to be a confident woman.
He is unhinged and showed sadistic behavior. Normal people who are not attracted to a certain demographic simply swipe left and move on. He actively went out of his way to match with Black women just to verbally abuse them. That is terrifying. This is a man with a deeply toxic psychological complex and I don't understand why instewd of him, you are the one visiting a therapist.
He was negging you from day one. He manipulatively complained about you to lower your self-esteem so you seek his approval. He was making you feel like you were the boring or difficult one, when in reality, he was intentionally sabotaging the conversation because of his disinterest and hatred for your race. That man resents his race, he bullies your appearance, and he uses you as an emotional punching bag for his own self-hatred.
He also knows that if you are surrounded by confident, culturally grounded Black women, he won't be able to gaslight you anymore. He wants you isolated so he can be your only influence. True diversity includes your own people! He is using liberal buzzwords to mask his raging anti-Blackness. He thinks that running away from his own culture elevates his social status, and he is embarrassed that you are actively choosing to embrace yours.
The fact that you could date him to the point of making marriage plans says a lot about your self-worth and perseverance and that's why they don't really rate most of you
17.09 the gold nuggets in your advice ehn! Excellent.
DeleteWho are you? You are so intelligent geezz
DeleteHaving an argument after every discussion is a red flag to both of you. You can have different opinions and still be best of friends, that's maturity. You don't have to take offense because the other person does not like your point of view. You have called off the on and off, 18months old relationship several times and it is not a good sign. Call it off and move on or be tolerant and stick with him. Choose one.
ReplyDeleteIt's ok to have differing opinions, this guy right here is condescending and thoughtless.
DeleteWhy has his perspective of black women and his friend's perspective of black women changed?
ReplyDeleteAsk him to tell you what sad episodes he had with black women before he met you. It might add weight if he recounts his friends' sad experiences dating black women.
ReplyDeleteIt will profit him and it will also profit you if he discloses his reasons for his preference of white and Asian ladies over black women.
ReplyDeleteIt is after hearing all these that you ask him the most important question, try and repeat the question until he gives you a satisfactory response.
ReplyDeleteAsk him to tell you in all honesty, if he would have been happier marrying a white or Asian?
Do not look for immediate answer. He can take his time before giving you an answer.
Let him know that he will be doing both of you a great favour if he goes wherever his heart is.
..oh, I didn't finish reading your chronicle, because I am mad at you. It is clear that you are going to be a divorcee at the end, if you marry this man and you are here asking for our opinion. You kept breaking up with him and going back after apologizing...is that not enough sign that you guys are not compatible?
ReplyDeleteA man in his thirties is already set in his ways, no amount of talking to is capable of changing his views. You've seen all the signs now, you will later see wonders if you proceed with the marriage. Remember that wonders shall never end.
ReplyDeleteThis guy wants to marry you for his parents. The person he would marry for himself dey front.
ReplyDeleteIf I were you, I would call off the relationship, when I and my baby daddy had issues because of a particular woman, he made a statement that I can never forget and the statement was one of the reasons that made me vow never to get back with him despite wanting to come back then, when I asked him what he saw in a particular woman that is ten years older than me, he said I should stop comparing myself to her that she's far physically beautiful than me in 200 times.
ReplyDeleteAunty, don't stay where you're not valued, know your worth and stop giving discounts.
And it is good you keep calling off the relationship. All the reasons you walked away were valid. I wonder why you keep allowing him to come back? As for the company he keeps, don't overlook it. Bishop Jakes said something, "It is easy to stop a man from smoking than seperate him from the friends that gave him the drugs." This guy would never change. If you are confident and self aware, then act like one.
ReplyDeleteHe doesn’t like black women and he is only with you to please family.
ReplyDeleteIf he likes you, that would have changed his general stance on dating Nigerian women but he still seems to h@te them even as friends for you!
You are literally walking into a sham of a marriage! The signs are there and they are glaring!
🏃🏃♀️🏃♂️
ReplyDeletePoster he is just tolerating you because you are comfortable, he will not give you peace of you marry him, be wise.
ReplyDeleteAbort mission!!! Dump him fast!!!
ReplyDeleteHe is so annoying!!!! This sort of people only get worse.
I think he have his reservation about the relationship..
ReplyDeleteHe's not that into you,if hes allow to make a choice,he won't choose you because you are not white..
What an annoying chronicle!
ReplyDeletePoster, you are seeing the "Red pepper, tatashe, shombo, rodo", and you are still "planning a future together".
Sincerely, there is no future in/for this "situationship".
Also, you are thinking about a daughter that has not yet been born, instead of thinking about saving yourself, your mental health, your life and your happiness by GETTING OUT of that nonsense you call a relationship.
Una never marry, una don dey argue every eke market day. When you get married and an Asian girl comes along and he starts having an affair and rubbing it in your face, I wonder what will happen then.
Ask yourself, "Am I really sure I am a self confident person and not afraid of being single?" When you HONESTLY answer that question and your answer is "Yes" (which I doubt), you will pick up your slippers, dust it and flee. But if your answer is "No", then you will stay put, keep sending "chronicles to ChatGpt and lol" after which you will then send another to we "SDKB yard pipu".
It is well with you o
My sister, this is not love, but tolerance.
ReplyDeleteHe's only tolerating you because of what you're bringing to the table and his parents . That's it.
You said you don't have low self esteem but that's the only reason you're asking this question with all the glaring billboard you have seen.
That’s exactly what it is, tolerance. It’s gold plated parading as gold and cubic zirconia pretending to be diamond. Any man who is putting down your womanhood will never respect you or view you as his equal.
DeletePoster, if you respect and value yourself then you know what to do. Let God be your dating app and stop giving your body to a man who is not your husband. Imagine sharing your body with someone who doesn’t even view was a woman above all others. Stop being a concubine and one that isn’t even valued or respected at that. Go repent and reconnect with your God, serve Him and put His ways first. God knows where all the good men are, He will guide you!
U are not his speck, I don’t mean looks … ur spirit has the answer with all these ur complaints and explanations…
ReplyDeleteHe's very bad for you, And he won't stop trying to speak down on you,I wouldn't stay with a man like that, Never.
ReplyDeleteAn Obvious Red Bill Board, but you're still making excuses for him . Dont do what you'd regret tomorrow. Abort this mission !!!
ReplyDeleteI will ask why or what have black women done to him we scream that black women are kinder etc but these same women can be very annoying with terrible communication skills rather than have an intellectual conversation over his mind set you turned it to an argument yet you wonder why they prefer other races.
ReplyDeleteMy dear you don't have self confidence.
ReplyDeleteHe has GRUDGINGLY SETTLED for you. You are what he wants but you are the one with enough low self-esteem to tolerate him.
ReplyDeleteEverything you break up a d get back together your value drops in his eye. End things a d stand on it.
ReplyDeleteWhat is all this contract that you people are doing in relationships and marriages nowadays? What's with you people agreeing to contribute contribute in building a home for? Can't he singlehandedly build his home without your contribution or without expecting from you?
ReplyDeleteTufiakwa!
Tufiakwa!
Tufiakwa!!!