Stella Dimoko Korkus.com: Chronicles Of Blog Visitor Narrative...

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Friday, 1 December 2017

Chronicles Of Blog Visitor Narrative...

OH DEAR!!!





STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
CHRONICLES OF A TEENAGER


I'll most probably go into hiding after sending this.


Good day everyone.


I'll rather remain anonymous but if you need a name anyways, call me Betty (only my family knows this one anyway. I don't really use it). I'm 19, I'm a student of Niger Delta University (Going to 200L), Animal Science, I stay at PH.


Now unto the important stuff. Forgive me if this is lengthy. I'm undecided about where to start.


At my age, I should be able to do certain things for myself but I find that I don't. It might be the easy stuff like the fact that my mom goes into a rant whenever I wear makeup or the big stuff like not being given the course I aspired for.


I'm depressed and no, I'm not just saying that. I know what depression is. Everyday it's a struggle to get up, keep going. Smile, everything is going to be alright. Those words are not that easy to believe. I read this Joyce Meyer book recently - The confident woman. It helped yes but I soon found myself in the same pit again. Some days are more difficult than others. I feel like I'm at the decision stage of my life and future. Time to make or break it and I feel more afraid each time that I'm going to break it. That's part of the reasons that I'm too scared to take decisions.


I'm beautiful. That's not arrogance. I'm the classic light skinned beauty. Only difference being that I'm hairy and funny enough I've received compliments for that but that's not enough because there are still those voices in my head saying, you're not beautiful enough, you're not smart enough, you're not cool enough, you're not crazy enough (cause everyone loves crazy). I hate the hairs but my mom keeps telling me not to shave it, that it will spoil my skin. Help me decide.


I've had boyfriends. Since I was 13. Pretty young I know. My mom of course wasn't aware since I was in boarding school but it felt good. He was the cool guy and I was the quiet bookworm. He said he loved and what better way to show love than sex right? I didn't do it. We were together for 4years at least. Then I travelled to Benin to see another guy. First semester. He was my best friend but it was the first time we were seeing each other (long story). He dumped me afterwards. Apparently I kept him waiting for too long and his feelings were gone. So why did he keep trying to have sex with me.
Then there was the near rape experience with the guy who didn't understand what constituted rape. My family isn't aware of any of this.


That brings me to another matter. My family. I have a stepbrother so that says a lot although he doesn't live with us. My Dad is strict, my mom is bitter. I grew up seeing my parents fighting as normal. What's abnormal is their not fighting. My Dad used to be a politician. So I got to attend one of the big secondary schools in pH. It's not so rosy anymore. My Dad dislikes my elder brother and now says he won't train him anymore. My mom is worried cause the second son is my stepbrother and I am expected to resolve their issue. Me. Whenever anyone wants to talk, it's to me. Me to talk to my mom, my Dad, my brother. I'm expected to fix my family but what about me?


A friend suggested marijuana. An ex suggested marijuana. The friend said it would help with my depression, and social anxiety. That leads to the next thing.


Social anxiety has made me miserable for as long as I can remember. My mom want me to be that daughter. The one that leads the church choir, heads departments, loved by all. That's not me. I've never been that and I think that's part of the problem. Whenever I see all those mother whatevers, it's always felt foreign to me. That's not me. That's not my mother. When I hadn't gotten admission it was, ‘after all the money spent on you’ and when I did, she said ‘you better work and switch to medicine or I'll leave you for your father to train however he likes’. Other days it's ‘I'm the only one doing the thinking here’, when you make suggestions and decisions too, it's all wrong. So long as it's not her. We're put in competition everyday with my stepbrother.


I'm tired of typing. I took to writing and even got and award but that's just on wattpad. That doesn't cover much. There's still the real world to deal with. I'm not friendless even though I've always find guy friends easier. I don't have female friends. I would appreciate new ones. I just need someone to talk to. I'm mostly socially awkward. This is barely half the problem. I even had to write jamb again for medicine. Uniport. I'm not dumb. I was top of my class. Now it just feels like maybe I was just lucky. No more luck left.


Don't ask what kind of advice I'm looking for because I don't know.


*Reading this as a parent scares me.................
Why are parents no longer connecting to their kids?

Your case is not good but you seem to have a good head on your shoulders....dont do what your friends want you to do my dear.
I really dont know from what angel to take this advice giving except to tell you that you need to be strong for yourself...stay awake and dont let all of what you are going through drown you....OK?


40 comments:

Kelvin Dat Edo Boi said...

Huh?? I don't get it!.... This is why I don't like reading Chronicles! *sigh*

Kelvin Dat Edo Boi (Stellz Cousin)

DoppelgΓ€nger said...

Hey honey, you're doing amazing.
You are probably suffering from imposter syndrome. Stop downplaying your achievements no matter how little and you're important. You matter and you'd succeed.
You are already an undergraduate, start speaking more for yourself rather than for others. If your mum wants a doctor, I don't see what's stopping her from going to school at whatever age she is and becoming one for herself if it's that important.
Speak up and do not let anyone dim your light.
Stop trying to please people and please say no to drugs. Marijuana, would give you a temporary High and a little moment of forgetfulness of all your problems but it doesn't mean they'd disappear. You need to live,to fight for another day.
Socialize, have fun and continue to work hard in school. Keep doing other things that you love do not dim your light.
Stay away from bad company and drugs. You'd be fine

Miss Juliet said...

Awwww u write so well. Get close to God, u’d be fine.

Anonymous said...

Oh dear, oh dear, poor baby girl. This is scary, so much disconnect between the Parents and this girl. I have a 16y/o, this is scary. Don't know what to advice for now. ..let me think.....

Anonymous said...

My dear I couldn't understand half of what you said so I can't help you. But from what I understood you don't have a problem, we all went through this phase. It will pass. Just concentrate on your studies, be a good girl and don't do anything stupid or that you will regret. May God guide you dear.

Anonymous said...

From your writing, I see an intelligent girl. Nigerian girls do not write as well as this in this age.
Perhaps, you have a natural talent in the Arts. Reading medicine is not a panacea to your problems. Foremost, knowing Jesus as Your Lord is the beginning of the solution. Reading his word (you can actually read it on your phone and even listen to it) and practicing them is the way forward.
be humble and faithful and obedient to your parents. You will soon be through with first degree and go ahead to read whatever you like.

I studied a course I did not like so much but I could get along with. I completed it and today I am no longer practicing it. I find fulfillment in what I do now and so much peace in the Lord.

Megan Aisosa Itohan said...

Be strong πŸ’ͺ dear daz life πŸ™πŸ»

Anonymous said...

And the moral of the chronicle /story is... ?????

The Lifted said...

keep your head up high ,no matter the criticism ,if you finally don't get the medicine admission forget it & continue with the one you have. Don't ever take marijuana , don't listen to evil advice.
As much as you can remain calm, talk to your parents in your own little way, they don't have to agree with you but still remain respectful, soon you will become happy again. Turn to God,he will fix it

Anonymous said...

Yo girl you're 19 not 15. I know it's hard but you need to get yourself out of this funk. I'm sure there's one girl close by who's loud and sociable. Get close to her, from there you would meet other people and make good friends out of a few. I'm 20 years old and I'm the loud and sociable one in my circle of friends. Although most of my friends are older but one met her husband through me, others have become best friends with people they meet through me, some got jobs and others just have fun. Get close to one of those girls that you know is sensible and have fun. Before you know it, you social activity calendar would be so full, you'd get out of the funk. Also if you don't want to study medicine, then don't! At 19,you should not be aiming to please your parents but to be a responsible citizen of your country/world. What you are going through is not abnormal but by 19 you should have gone through this stage and dusted it out. Sorry about all of it though. Maybe I was just faster than my age and I had a ton of older people around me, so I can't judge you based on my timeline. Well if you have a church then please attend. I'm not religious so I can't recommend any church or mosque or the likes. Watching series might also help you. Yes, series are great. Only problem is that the series would end. You can take up sports too. I run, I run a lot. I'm telling you by the time you start and your body is all sore and you have to constantly do it, you won't be depressed as much. On the contrary, you'd be very happy. These are just suggestions. Volunteering is great too. When you have some spare time, go to orphanages, go to hospitals, prisons and voluteer or you could even get a job or a business by the side. I honestly hope you can pick from these options. I don't know if they are possible in Nigeria, I hope they are but you can always work around it. I turned 20 last week and I experienced what you're experiencing at 16 just in a different country. I'm good now and I hope youd be too.

Anonymous said...

My dear baby girl, you are such a smart and bright lady! I’ll tell you this, life isn’t easy for a lot of people, heck life isn’t easy for ANYONE, but guess what, we all strive to see the silver lining in each day. You’ve done so well for yourself thus far, please keep at it and watch the world need you for your brilliance. It’s not easy, it never is, but trying is worth it. You’ll be fine darling. Keep your head up, don’t let family issues disrupt your peace (I’m 27 and just recently tried to cut myself off from my family issues), don’t let peer pressure bring make you cave as well, be that strong lady you are destined to be. If you care for an older friend, Hey I’m here. Leave your contact with Stella. Ladun

I am king EZE said...

19? Being a teenager can at times be incredibly confusing and frustrating. Sometimes the things happening to you, or the things going on inside your head, make absolutely no sense.The biggest contributor is the new hormones your body is producing, and there is absolutely nothing you can do about them. Good thing you write.put your feelings into words,It can be therapeutic, and it can help you organize and understand what is happening to you. Try writing down how you feel. Simply use a stream of consciousness approach at first, then come back and organize it if that helps.Also Stop and think and gain a rational perspective on your problem. Writing and talking both help the process.Join a new club or group. Sometimes getting involved in a new activity can help take your mind off things. Be yourself!.And stop trying to mediate so much in your family problems,it is not your role. Good luck.. .....And remember to keep it tight and humble till you meet the right person .

Chyluv! said...

Cheers to those of us who consider ourselves abit socially awkward. I totally relate to many things in your story, oh i do. only difference is, it wasn't as extreme as yours, although I knew emotionally i was always drained, quarterlife crisis they call it, identity crisis is more like it, couldn't talk to anyone especially my parents, had my share of heartbreak too, thank God i got over it, for me my university days/medical school was therapeutic, listening to the experiences of other people, seeing how vulnerable some people can be, knowing that life, health is indeed a priviledge helped me appreciate life in general. i worked hard to get into medical school, but that was for myself, even though at some point I feel i haven't achieved a lot, I have so many ideas so many things I love to do, I later figured writing helped me too, findinga few good friends, also helped me through the low phases. I would advice you to open up your mind to meeting new people, doing fun things, enjoying university life, and dwelling on things that make you happy. I could mentor you, be your life coach, i will enable my email, talking about it really helps, a problem shared they say.... between u could wax, do laser treatment, or use veet hair removal cream if you choose, but that's up to you. Don't hibernate, don't go down that dark path, dont shy away from the world, you alone have the key to your happiness, confront your fears, make a decision to love life to the fullest and finding fulfilment in youself. Theres light at the end of the tunnel

STARRY LARRY said...

"
Don't ask what kind of advice I'm looking for because I don't know." I laughed so hard when I got here. I'm so sorry baby girl, you need to see a psychologist




*Larry was here*

Noni said...

THE STORY OF A KID IN A FIX.

WE ALL FIND OURSELVES IN SITUATIONS LIKE THIS AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER ,

MINE WAS AFTER I GRADUATED FROM THE UNI, DIDN'T KNOW WHETHER TO GET MARRIED OR TO PICK UP A JOB, OR TO EVEN FURTHER MY STUDIES.

I CHOSE ONE I FELT WAS LIT AND I HIT THE ROCK.

I MADE A U-TURN,GOT A JOB AND WENT BACK TO SCHOOL.

IT WASN'T EASY BUT I MADE A FIRST CLASS, GOT ANOTHER JOB AND I FEEL MY DECISIONS GOT BETTER WITH MY EXPERIENCES AND AS I BECAME OLDER.


I HAVE NO ADVISE FOR YOU, BUT DO THAT WHICH YOUR CONSCIENCE AGREES WITH

Kelly said...

All I see is a young intelligent lady who needs little directives on certain things.
Focus on school right now, channel your energy on your education and you will be on your 'A' game back again. Every other thing will definitely fall into place in its own time, don't fight the things you can't change... Face your business (in this case, your studies) and please avoid those vices you mentioned in your story.
Be strong!!!

Anonymous said...

If ur reading this ....p....pls send me ur email Asap!!!!

DON™ said...

You are at a confused stage of your life. Try and be strong for yourself. Don't give in to peer pressure.
You will be alright in no time

Anonymous said...

Hmmmm,I can understand u dear.I know of a girl with similar story wu ended up ha life in a psychiatric ward.I op u won't mind me telling u little abt ha.Blessing's parents were strict like urs,in fact father is a pastor.little thing like diz dey scold ha.Wen she was 14,she started looking for something to make ha cope in an hash environment nd she ended up taking alcohol cos she has seen it in movies dat pple take alcohol to forget abt wotz happening in their environment. She graduated from 1 sachet to 3 sachet right under ha father roof.she was molested buh ha father put the blame on ha.she later gain admission nd left home.Na so she got d whole tym to hasef,met a friend in school wu took ha out for d weekend,nd she was introduced to marijuana,blue pills,tobacco nd codeine.she started having group sex,homosex,and forms of sex.she became wide.At age 19 she has had several abortions.she broke down due to excessive use of substances nd started showing symptoms of mental illness.still in d psychiatric ward receiving treatment.So, m dear poster,I won't want ur own story to b like dat of Blessing,keep good friends nd if possible c a psychologist.it is well with u.

Kele Bobo said...

Stay positive dear, everything will be ok#bearhugs

Anonymous said...

I never comment but this post made me cry because this chronicle hit too close to home. I’m 24 and going through the exact same thing with my family and my personal life. However in my case, I have managed to perfect my act of pretence and faking that all is well with me when it isn’t. I’m depressed, suffer from anxiety.. crippling anxiety.. my education has suffered because of this.. I feel like I’m in a deep hole and for the life of me I can’t just pull myself out of it. I received another devastating news with regards to my school work and I don’t know how to make it better.. the first thought that came into my head was to kill myself.. end my pain, end my suffering. I found out my parents only got married because my mum was pregnant with me and they stayed together and had my siblings.. my dad is abusive, my mum has low self esteem and they make me their middle man. My dad has tried to be the best Dad to us. I’m just rambling because I just wanted to write my feelings. 2017 is ending and it’s been the shittiest year so far. I need a therapist but therapy is too expensive and African parents don’t believe in depression and anxiety. I don’t know what to do.. I see my life going down the drain, I know I should wake up and fix it but I can’t, I don’t know how, i’ Just tired of living

Kay said...

In addition to the good advices given, You need a good mentor.

Anonymous said...

Hwy sweetie, I feel I need to talk to you, dnt worry I am a girl; m 22 yes old , if you are on IG pls send me a DM _erinose and if you are not on IG pls reply anonymously or send your email address. am I so glad you are on the right path .
Waiting for your msg ..

Anonymous said...

Dear poster I can relate with on the part of ur parents telling to talk to the other and sometimes putting u in competition with others hell my mom would lay curses on me for not seeing my period at 14....
Guess what I did I put myself first unlike me I gained girlfriends as well as guys always sieving out the bad ones. Then I found solace in Christ took out my writing in prayers by writing letters to God and telling him how I feel. Hardly taking mom's call so I don't feel less of myself and get condemned to look at other girls my age ( reason I made girls my friends, so that I can remind myself that I don't want to be as wicked as that sister speaking in tongues, or tell hideous lies and be dirty in the hostel but be role model and neat to young girls in church, insults and condemn runs girls but go and visit men at night for gifts for my bday to remind myself that I am me and me is better, I need you to find you and do you appreciate you, love you it will take time. Mom loves me but I shattered her dreams of being a doctor in sss1 but being an art student today, am a fresh graduate of accounting, she calls me her pride, I don't intend going straight home now because it took a lot to drain out the bad energy I felt for my parents and I don't want someone telling me marriage should start being in the picture at 22 to make me depressed once more.
All am saying don't study medicine if its not from your heart, you will be depressed have fun get crazy find your own high not in marijuana or alcohol, found mine in writing out my emotions as raw as I felt on sm and in my prayer bool, laugh it off, cry it off. You will be fine you are an overcome being the 1st daughter has never been easy for any girl

Anonymous said...

Very intelligent, well articulated write up!!!πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘ And she is just 19!!! Join a Bible study group girl, get close to God you will be just fine...

Anonymous said...

Depression is real pipo. You ladies are 19,24 add 35too that's makes three of us . Yours is even better I'm at point of no return . I'm lost. I'm hiding , I'm in a prison with the gate open but I can't come out!! Whata shitty life!!! Stella should do a post on depression. But I know she won't cos she's depressed too her blog is going down . Shitty life

Bold Marehi said...

U r such a strong and intelligent lady. Remain positive, stay focus and try to socialize it will go a long way in curing any depression or anxiety u r experiencing. Please don't do drugs. It is well with you.

Fingertrickz Productions said...

Betty Betty. I called you twice. Let me talk like one of my friends, last last, you go dey alright.
First let me commend you. You have a good head on good shoulders and that means your mum gets a little bit of credit for that too. Now you are a very good writer which shows you know what you want however like a whole lot of others have a typical Nigerian parent. You see she wants whata best for you. Unfortunately Nigerian parents do not know any other way to communicate this except for this new generation parents. Stick to what you want to do and keep doing it well. Give your best as much as you can and keep doing you.
You may have to change your circle of friends. Yes you do. You need friends who match your moral upbringing or those who really wants you to do well in life too. A Marijuana suggesting friend is not that person.
As for your mum wanting you to do more in church, may I suggest you get closer to God. I recommend a message by Apostle Joshua Selman (4shared.com)and download his messages on the holy spirit. Now when you have a personal relationship with the holy spirit you can sit with your mum and talk from a place of authority and fellowship and she would hear wisdom beyond your age when it comes to why you do or do not do the things you do in church.
You have a good thing going for you, remove people from your circle who makes you feel otherwise. Embrace yourself and embrace your personality. As for your mum and dad they are just been "African".
You are an intelligent girl, you would do well.

Anonymous said...

Talk to God then worship. Listen to worship songs it would lift your spirit and invite God into your situation...

Anonymous said...

At 19, I was already a graduate and done with youth service. Yes I got into university at age 14. It was my best kept secret. But maybe because I mixed with way above my age, I didn't have these turmoils. But yes, I was undecided if I wanted to study another course or do a Masters etc. I had a lot of time on my hands. So poster. There's nothing wrong with you. You only need to find what course of study makes you happy and you won't know what hit you. Climb every mountain Ford every stream. Follow every rainbow... till you find your dream... Good luck.

Anonymous said...

animal science isn't a bad course. my husband studied medicine and the only job he could secure atm pays 50k. We live in Jos though... I studied medical Laboratory science and I don't have a job, been unemployed for 2 yrs. So please, the medical line isn't a surety for job security.
you're good at writing, cultivate it. Your melancholia is related to your creativity. .Make extra effort to graduate with a first class...the extra time spent in the library leaves little room for depressing thoughts. You're fine...forget your parents and their issues abeg, they'll ruin your life if you let them.

Anonymous said...

Hi what is the tittle of your book on wattpad I frequent the site
I just see a younger version of me in your chronicle.
The best advice I have myself was to live for me...get involved,get busy..learn courses online,just keep busy make a list of what you want to achieve every month..that is what I did nd it worked....ignore them...my parents where worse when I grew up I understood they had their own shit to handle so I did/don't let them mix issues with mine..
Do you nd you will come and respect from them,they are your parents yes but everybody has their life to live
LIVE YOURS.
If u want to communicate let me know
#comment below

sholetoga said...

Poster....life happen to us all. Take everything in your stride with a grateful heart. Everything will fall in place for you trust me....Goodluck

Chyluv! said...

Don't give up. Life happens to all of us. Listen to Travis green, made a way.

Push up said...

My dear growing up I was always the weird one, no one could understand and when my elder brother went to the states it became worse, I wasn't that child everyone outside loved or part of any function but I had friends who loved me no matter the way I was, they understood me and I was easy to talk to. At this stage try and have more female than male friends Cus most guys at this stage are still trying out their sexuality and do not really know how to be just friends especially when their friends are asking them daily if they are cutting your show. You have to find someone to talk to, a roommate who is older, you don't even have to share everything just what you are comfortable sharing. In the end it will be worth it, know that you are special and when you parents come to you don't try to do so much for others, for now concentrate on yourself, we have all had this struggle, I personally have been through much more but when I look back now I laugh. It will be all okay, trust me. Just concentrate on your school work, don't think about stuff that stress you for to long, you will be okay. One advantage you will have in the future is you will be your best friend, you will not be dependent on anyone, you will have new ideas of getting solutions to future problems, smile about your future

Anonymous said...

You my dear are blessed with a beautiful and creative mind. Such a compelling writer. And you are 19? Unbelievable. Tell you what? You don't need magic, you don't need to have have all the answers today. Take it one day at a time. Wake up, have a bath, a cuppa and relax. Write when you can, chill when you can't. Dream large and takes notes. You are an inspiration and write refreshingly. Think about it like this: your piece made me write this. Don't give up honey.

Hunger Quencher said...

Hugs * Don't get pushed by anyone to do this you won't be proud you did.
Life is simple but sometimes it depends on how we see and handle it.
I love you, hang in there and look onto God your creator.

Anonymous said...

You must be a mad fellow, "Nigerian girls do not write like this " So Chimamanda is from Mars right?
I'm 17 and ve written several journals for my school.

anonymous to bahd said...

πŸ‘€ yaaaewwwwwwwwwnnn!

Anonymous said...

Hi Betty, I want you to remember this...NO ONE IS PERFECT, NO ONE....so stop thinking less of yourself. Someone out there loves the real you. Don't ever try to be someone else... Love from me to you.

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