Stella Dimoko Korkus.com: Saturday In House Gists.

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Saturday, August 22, 2015

Saturday In House Gists.

Them try sha!
We tried to pay last weeks winner but the Bank says her account does not have BVN...LMAO!








GIST ONE
COCONUT RUMBLES

Hi Stella, so this happened to me last year.

I woke up that Thursday morning, and I had to leave Akure for Lagos to submit a letter in person and leave Lagos for Abuja to catch a flight to Dubai.... a day prior to my departure my mom brought me coconut since I love me some coconut and haven't had some for years. So Thursday morning we set off to leave Akure, on our way I started eating my sweet coconut. I did all I had to do in Lagos, boarded my flight to Abuja.. when we were in the air, I started to hear my tommy rumble.

   I arrived Abuja LIKE 1 hour 30 MINUTES prior to my departure to Dubai,And i had to clear my luggages then stand on the line to board my flight to Dubai. As luck was against me, they had a slow network connection and issuing my boarding pass and even printing my baggage tags was a hassle. ( let me switch to pigin o, English hard)

Naso, I stand there oo, shit don dey catch me. And I no fit leave my bags there, I come ask one Bros wey dey help weigh bags say where toilet dey? he said I have to pass immigration first, say toilet dey after immigration.. nah that day I know say I strong, cos nah strong person fit hold that kind shit tight. I just dey pray to God say make I no shit for body o. At last sha they come issue me boarding pass, nah so I dey run to catch my flight. Nah me e remain make plane take off. So as I reach plane, I just arrange my hand luggage sit down. Say I go hold this shit till after take off.

Nah that day I learn lesson, say purging and gravity no dey work together.. 

Jesus, as this plane start to dey take off nah so e be like say the shit dey press down, my yansh muscles no fit hold am again, I dey sweat like Christmas goat.. hahaha, the way I comot seat belt dey fly down the aisle to the toilet hen.. Usain bolt couldn't have ran faster. 

The flight attendant wey sit beside toilet dey hala "ma'am you aren't supposed to be out of your seat" I just give am one wicked side eye. Enter toilet shit, after I release this shit hen e be like say I win lottery..

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GIST TWO
FIRST TIME SMOKER


Good day ma. I don't know if the Bvs will find this funny but I sure laughed.
There was this guy in school those days that jonzed after smoking igbo (indian hemp) for the first time...
His best friend was at the G S building ( General studies building) when he called him that afternoon and told him he was coming there to see him. On reaching there, His friend was busy talking with one babe like that...anyone that attended UNN knows how busy GS building gets in the afternoon.

So the dude just tapped his friend on the shoulder and told him that something is whispering in his ear...that the voice is just telling him to shout. At that time,his friend did not know he was high becos he had never smoked before.
So the friend just casually told him to go and  shout now, thinking it was their normal jokes and all. 


Na so the guy waka go,still come back after few seconds , still told the guy that he wants to shout oo, at that point his friend excused himself from the babe,pulled the guy aside and told him to stop spoiling his runs...that he can shout if he wants to...na so my guy waka stand where people plenty come start 

oo....Jesus! Jeeeessus!!!! Jeeeeeesu!!!!! Jeeeeeeeeeesuuu!!!!! Jeeeeeesuuss!!!!! Jeeeeeeessuuuussss!!!!!! Jeeeeeessuuuussss!!!! Jesus! Jesus!!!...


O boy! At that point his friends kom know say water sef don too pas garri oooo...as they rush hold am they try close his mouth, oga still dey yell Jesus!!! Jeeeeesuu!! Jeeeeeeeesuuss!!!!...na so dem stuff clothe for em mouth carry am enta cab rush am go his house...as them perceive the stuff for em mouth, everyone start to dey bring solutions oo...

Some say make dem flog am, some say na palm oil, some say na coconut water...nothing the guy no drink that day...even garri sef..after a while he slept off and woke later in the night. Since then na black Jesus dey kom dey call am oooo...  




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GIST THREE
END OF DISCUSSION

Stella I really love your blog been reading it back to back any chance I get. Here is another experience of mine from waaaaay back.
Way back in primary school my mates were scared of me cos I was a rough kid, but in primary 4 history was set to be made, as in confirm new record, I should be within 8/9years old. No be today wey I don dey wayward.

On this faithful day I sat back in class when others went for break cos I had been flogged earlier by my class teacher for issues related to undone assignment, though seated peacefully but angrily, when all of a sudden some girls gathered at a far end of the class who didn't go for break were busy gisting and yelling on top of their voices, so being a King Kong of the class and someone others feared, I was like,

"You people should stop making noise, if you want to make noise better go outside"

But I had forgotten they had the right since it was break time, but to my uttermost surprise, one of them in their midst Tope by name, I won't forget that name till I die, was like,

"Is it not break time?, why will you tell us to keep quiet?" She fired back at me

And coupled with the anger I already had in my treasure box, I was like,

"Am I the one you re talking to?"

But I got a bigger shocker when she replied back saying,

"Enn ennhn what ll you do?"

That statement infuriated me that the wires in my brain began to spark, 'see this girl sha, she no dey fear me' I said in my mind,

I left my seat in anger to discipline her but if to say I dey forsee the future I swear I for tanda for my seat, I walked up to her and just as I raised my hand to slap her, omoh nah there the fight take end for me,

I don't know if she played me film trick, I no just fit explain how e take happen cos as she hang my hand, I remember say I see myself for air, and the next thing was a nasty landing with my back, me on the floor and she on me, giving me all the hard punches her hands could gather, while your boy just dey ground dey struggle, that babe wicked ooo, I swear she for finish me if no be my class teacher barge in come save me.
As if that was the end, we were both summoned and this time class don dey full back, as I was trying to explain, I tried my best not to cry, but the silly tears wouldn't obey me, the thing just begin pour freely by emself as I dey try to explain,, ccchoii, that was E.O.D for me.

Base on popular kid wey I be, that incident was one of the most popular things, spreading like a wild fire in the whole school, it was such an embarrassing and crazy experience, when I remember it I can't help but laugh at myself. Lolz




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GIST FOUR
PEPPERY BLOWJOB

This happened last year, I was visiting my cousin in Anambra state and he was very promiscuous. When any of his girls comes I will go to the parlour while they will be in the room. So one day a girl came and as usually they went to the room. Later my cousin called me to come and cook indomie for everyone. I went to the kitchen and made the indomie. We normally used plenty pepper to cook. After we ate the indomie. They entered the room while I continued to watch one movie like that. The next thing I heard was 'Jesus!!! Fire!!! I ran to see the fire and I saw my cousin Naked! Shouting 'am dead o' My blokos is on fire o..

As I was still trying to understand what was happening. He jumped into our drum of water. I now asked the girl what happened.

She said she was giving him a blow job o and the next thing he started screaming. (That was when I realised that she used peppery mouth to give blow job).

My cousin came out of the drum and after few minutes of relief,  his shouts increased. Because he forgot that water will make it worse. Even neighbours were already coming up but I refused to open the door for them. Finally I got red oil and gave him to rub on it.

Mehn, that day was funny! I haven't stopped teasing him with it.




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GIST FIVE
THE GOAT STORY

...When resuming for HND, I moved into one very Big compound that was fenced round, with a block of building with only 6rooms with enough bush and tree. The room I rented was beside some very funny warri/ibo guys wey dey always move around in groups anywhere and everywhere, They were much that shared that room, them reach like 8, depending on how many of them sleep house each day.

Me dey stay alone cos I get small change during I.T wey make me buy new set of electronics like TV, fridge and hamattan plus provisions dey always dey house so me and those boys dey very very close and some dey crash my room for night except my skelewu come around.

During second semester, I call one of my guy Chigozie wey dey same department with me to come stay with me till we finish exam. Him sef mingle well with my funny warri neighbors except him na aka-gum. On different occasion Chigozie don deny each of them favor multiple times. 

Skima go say Chigozie abeg gimme 50# I wan run reach campus 3, him go say I no get, Lanky or Afin go say Chigozie abeg I dey Hungry, make we reason noodles na, him go say I no get. If I no dey around and Chigozie dey, Elewon or Don fit say Chigozie ma Ochere dey show, make I reason her for Georgeay room na so hammattan go enter her kpekus, Chigozie no go burst out as understanding boyii when time reach.  

Jokingly abi na "laughingly" dem dey always tell am say dem go reason him matter but him go just dey laff cos him no code. so as God or Devil go catch am, that season some set dey graduate, so base on say their guy plenty for we area, we compound na em dem dey celebrate their Mi Lolo(Lord) paro.
My compound guys dey always enter street by night go get goat, prepare am for the celebration and keep some quota for pot wey dem go use do soup after the ceremony. 

Me dey like dey school reach when I guess them go don finish for compound so my own na to reach open the reserve pot begin put meat for mouth anyhow till I fill(not stealing) cos me na sure guy and can do anything as long as I no disrespect or impersonate. As I dey flex the meat Chigozie jam me so him begin dey flex too. Chai!!! We enter the meat badly then after we stroll out to different root. When I come back I jam dem outside dey talk with vexation amongst themselves say dem know say na that onyengbu (that's what they call jonzing person) chop that meat. They ask me and I say I chop and Gozino join me too, their head spark so when Gozino show they ask am and him say him chop and him dey laff dey ansa. Oboi!!! 

They tear am BETTER SLAP wey make am know say him don really enter one chance, with better beating join and they say him must buy the full goat. The more him dey try describe the quantity him chop the more them dey vex. After much beg and consideration from me sha, them collet 2k from am after running pillar to post to find the fund. After that lesson, him re-adjust...




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GIST SIX
MAMA BOLA

So I want to share this gist that happened last year
Mama bola has been disturbing me say her pikin wan come study for my university I promised her to try my best  o I no kuku be VC .
So finally bola entered my uni she come tell me say she out bola for my care I say OK MA I go try my best
One hot afternoon as I dey knack sleep for my room nai my phone ring 

''Ehn you this boy did I not tell you bola to see under your care''

I say who be this

She was like it's me mama bola 

She begin shout say bola dey with man say she just call am o the man dey drag phone with am bola dey cry
I was scared I called her hostel mates they said she's in class
Iya bola called again ''na ogun go kill u U don fail me''

She begin cry oooo

I come call bola twice she no pick 

Finally she picked she said ''am in class'' in a low tone I come hear her lecturer dey teach
I no know say na lecturer voice mama bola hear ooo say her pikin dey with man
Fiaaam she don enter our school from lagos to ibadan wait till bola come in the evening 

Drag bola come my house nai bola begin swear and cry
I cum dey explain to the woman say na class she dey o
The woman say ehn and the man was shouting and bola was whispering and dragging phone
Na one big aunty for my compound cone explain give iya bola o

Nai mama and pikin hug dey cry..... 



73 comments:

  1. I will wait for comments from there I will know d funny once to read..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Gist 3 and 1 are very interesting
      The writer of gist 5 should never ever try this rubbish again! WTF was going through your mind when you sent that in? Just don't pull this useless stunt again

      Delete
    2. Too close, the gisters try sha. I will wait till tomorrow.

      Krix via iphone 6 gold

      Delete
  2. In the order they appear, my winners are:

    1. Pepper blow job (I've laughed so hard that my eyes are teary)

    2. First time smoker

    And

    3. Coconut rumbles

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That peppery blowjob na exaggeration jor...blow job wit pepper in d girl's mouth is d sweetest.I dey even arrange peppersoup or suya for babe cos of bj...which one come be d shout of fire cos of indomie pepper

      Delete
    2. That number 5 gister should be flogged. Arrghhhhh

      Delete
  3. Walahi dat gist of peppery bj got me. I now remember I have witness something like that in one bar( Benji's place or so near bodija market) in ibadan. It happened btw a runs babe and one baba 60 or so. Na asun cause this one o. The baba ran out from d short time room naked and asking anyone who cares to listen to help him blow his blokos. LWKMD dat day

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hmmm, u guys tried but no comment until i see tomorrow's gists.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Gist 4
      Gist 2
      Rib cracking.....



      aMazing and aWWesome

      Delete
    2. For 2day, first time smoker and peppery blow job got me.
      First- 1st time smoker.
      Second- peppery blow job.

      Delete
    3. I no kukuma understand the first time smoker gist.

      Delete
  5. Una try but gist 1 and 2 for me

    ReplyDelete
  6. Gist 1 ... You got it mommy

    ReplyDelete
  7. I will chose between gist 2 and 3...
    Hmmm...gist 2 sweet die!!...
    Lmao...

    ReplyDelete
  8. That Igbo story and peppery blow job is very funny. Especially the blow job.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Plssssss vote for meeeeeeee!

    Go to channel on ur bbm,go to search and type C0041B71B beryllium Nickel and join,i'm constant number 13,to vote for me like my pix.Thanks

    ReplyDelete
  10. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Nah that mama bola story make me smile small, illetracy is a disease

    ReplyDelete
  12. Nah that mama bola story make me smile small, illetracy is a disease

    ReplyDelete
  13. Gist 2 all d way.....
    Numba 4 sef funny....

    Dat goat gist was sooo boring

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I totally agree with you.......the goat gist is boring and annoying. I truly wonder how literate the individual is! You sound razz and crass! . For me it was the peppery gist. But I may change my mind 2mao

      Delete
  14. @Nwa Amaka, that soldierman up dere reminds me of ur comment in last week's gist, i laughed and fell on the floor. U re a bad girl. Sdk making relieving stress since 1900.

    ReplyDelete
  15. They are all very funny but I'll give it to the first time smoker.......... That Igbo an some serious crazy thing. Happy weekend to everyone!!!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Still thinking of d one that is funny,........

    ReplyDelete
  17. This indian hemp, I feel like smoking it just once to confirm all these stories I hear about it...just to confirm o!

    I dey come...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If u r going to try it,do it @ d beach...u'l love it,breeze n d splendour of nature will heighten d pleasure ...whatever u do,don't take more than 2 drags if u don't wanto go loco

      Delete
  18. I wonder why I didn't find any of the story funny!
    Better luck next time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. @Vivienne...Thank you. Her sense of humour left her a long time ago.

      Delete
  19. Gist 2 did it for me

    ReplyDelete
  20. Gist five goat story: It took me time to understand. The pidgin too konk.
    I like EOD. Lol

    ReplyDelete
  21. Lol.. The Goat story got me rolling on the ground,that's how you handle misers...peppery blowjob, abeg nor kill person o.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Mtcheew!!what dia 2 *LOL* about?i didn't find any of ds funny.

      Delete
  22. Peppery blow job

    ReplyDelete
  23. I laughed when they suggested to flog the Marijuana guy. And that flogging would ve reset his brain back to normal.

    The blokos on fire is funny too. A lesson to learn. Hahaha.

    Many stories on rumbling stomach and diarrhea it doesn't work on laughter faculty again, the narrator tried sha.

    That goat story though. Not funny but I can imagine how annoying it can be dealing with parasites, people that always benefit without giving back. Serves Chigozie right.

    Waiting for Sunday gists.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Gist three got me laughing out loud

    ReplyDelete
  25. Peppery gist has it. Gist No: 4

    ReplyDelete
  26. Gist 3. Beaten by a girl, got me laughing alot.

    ReplyDelete
  27. The are all funny...i laughed rili hard

    ReplyDelete
  28. Till tomorrow.
    Mummy sinach

    ReplyDelete
  29. Gist 5 Abeg nor try this kind tin again in ur life
    First time smoker does it for me

    ReplyDelete
  30. I pick mama bola gist. ..

    Igbo smoker second

    coconut rumbles third

    peppery blow job fourth

    I had a headache reading that goat gist, d guy was sounding like a cult member

    ReplyDelete
  31. Ok
    Mama bola made me smile a little

    ReplyDelete
  32. First time smoker 1#
    Blowjob pepper 2#

    ReplyDelete
  33. Peppery blow job made me laugh,I vote 4 u.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Lmao....don't really knw how to make my selections.. Okay, I will go for blow job then first time smoker and EOD

    ReplyDelete
  35. Gist 1, 2, 3 & 4 all funny

    I'd pick 2

    ReplyDelete
  36. Awww. hahaha Mothers love Mami Bola.. God bless you. hahaha

    King Kong of the class you win for me oh. hahahaha I still dey laugh.

    ReplyDelete
  37. No 3 hands down! Lol

    ReplyDelete
  38. Gist 4, then Gist 6

    ReplyDelete
  39. Lmao @ Jesuuss!!!!!!!only d imagination sef,gist 2 ojare.l knw my vote won't be counted though.

    ReplyDelete
  40. The first time smoker got me. I needed me some laugh right now

    ReplyDelete
  41. E.O.D did It 4 me

    ReplyDelete
  42. I vote for gist 2:BLACK JESUS.

    ReplyDelete

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