Hmmmmm..
STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
MARITAL ISH
Biko please hide my email. I Just want to hear the views of blog members on this issue: My hubby and I have been having issues (one day I will muster strength to write my story in seasons.....lol) but recently he has been issuing threats of divorce and so on. but the recent situation was that I discovered that his sister living with us has been the communication medium between him ( he works in another state) and my kids.
I told her off and made her understand that she is aware of issues going on and should not encourage such by entertaining her brother's attitude... I also told her she should not do to me what she wont take in her own husband's home if she gets married. I also had to report to their father who frowned at her actions.
my husband has always been doing this and I keep quiet but had to react today cos I felt it has to stop. I believe even if couples go their separate ways, cordial relationship should be maintained for the kids sakes.
in my opinion, I see such action as a means of turning my kids against me by giving them a mindset and/or confusing my kids mentally (ages 5 and 3... the younger one is very sharp and outspoken, I get to know a lot from her). Hence I want to know if I was wrong in telling her becos I also told her brother and expressed my displeasure.
What I just wanted to know is if I was right in telling her she can't be the one my hubby will call to talk to the kids. I'm very much aware that she knows that her brother and I have been having marital issues lately bordering on infidelity and emotional/physical abuse. Though she denied knowing we had issues which the whole family is aware of.
What I just wanted to know is if I was right in telling her she can't be the one my hubby will call to talk to the kids. I'm very much aware that she knows that her brother and I have been having marital issues lately bordering on infidelity and emotional/physical abuse. Though she denied knowing we had issues which the whole family is aware of.
So was I wrong in telling her off or I should have just maintained my stance of ignoring what her brother was doing? I felt I had to react because I didn't want the kids in such web of marital conflict as I expect us both to behave well when it concerns the kids. Like I told my SIL, I will take any insult but not when my kids are used against me.
please I will appreciate if this is posted as soon as possible and blog members esp mothers share their opinions. I am eager to learn. Sorry for the abbreviations.
Worried Mum
please I will appreciate if this is posted as soon as possible and blog members esp mothers share their opinions. I am eager to learn. Sorry for the abbreviations.
Worried Mum
*Has it occurred to you that your sister in law may also be in a fix?Staying in her brothers house and all,she owes him loyalty and not you so if he calls her phone that he wants to speak to his kids,she should say no?
Instead of attacking her you should have just kept quiet or pleaded with her to devise a way of not letting him speak to the kids anymore....
What kid of problems are you having with your man that you are going from one in law to another reporting?Why cant you both settle and leave your kids and in laws out of it?
God will settle everything for you, honestly I really feel for you.
ReplyDeleteGod will restore happiness in your home
*Larry was here*
Smh
DeleteI really don't know what to make of this chronicle.
DeleteHusband working in another state n u in another state.
ReplyDeleteIt takes maturity n compromise for quarrel not to erupt!
Who feeds him,
Does laundry,
Warms his bed?
Lord fix it.
She probably got stuck to her "job" and left him in "another state". There is always sacrifice involved in love but many are not ready to pay it. The result is this!
DeleteI do
DeleteYou don't have to fight her. She might not even you guys have a problem. If I am in my brothers house and my bros calls to speak with the children, I will glady give them the phone ESPECIALLY when I do not know they have problems.
ReplyDeleteSo please do not blame or fight her. Talk to her as a sis. Let her understand what is going on.
Its likely she will have a way of settling it.
Doh!!! You will be alright
Exactly! Seems like she bottled a lot up and just offloaded on the SIL. Didn’t warrant a fight. Simple tete-a-tete would have addressed this
DeleteKids turning against their parents is the worse nightmare to befall any living being. Madam from your statement, if I am right I sense pride in you, your SIL is a woman like you, if you reason well with her and be friendly, things might change for good. Maybe you aren't best of friends, and again don't challenge hubby or report him randomly for most men hates that. I pray you guys fix things up, but try and be in good term with your sister in law for she can do the magic.
ReplyDeleteBig time nightmare
DeleteBut ehu is the sister in law living with them?
Deleteposter is like you and your husband are one of those couples that once they have problem they will start calling their entire family members.
ReplyDeleteonce you invite a 3rd part into your marital issue the issue will be hard to settle.
call your husband and settle your marital issues with him. tell him that whenever you guys have issue that you people should settle it between the two of you without inviting any 3rd party.
but this your chronicle is not complete.
a toad does not run in day time in vain. you must have done something that made him to stop contacting his kids through you.
I agree with you my dear
DeleteMadam face your marital problems and work on winning your husband's love first instead of opening up more warfronts. It is quite understandable that you won't tell us any of your shortcomings but that of your husband alone. For instance, what evidence do you have to hang "infidelity" on his neck; the "p" inside "v" kind of it?
ReplyDeleteWhat was your attitude that made him look elsewhere, if he actually did?
If this marriage ends in divorce; which the Lord Jesus hates, you would be the one to suffer more. The man will be married as soon as the proceedings are over . . . just bear that in mind.
You might as well advise her to drink coconut oil.smh
DeleteSo it always the woman's fault that an African husband cheat. I don't know why some of u are so stupid. Do foolish men with no self control need a reason to cheat?
DeleteYou’re very silly for what you spewed up there.
Deletewomen should know and understand that when a marriage breaks down, we and the kids suffer most. We've got the shorter end of the stick no matter the clime. You no see say Tiger woods' wife don they put up her house for sale? Same woman that years ago smashed same house to build another just after the divorce settlement? Really in the divorce war, there are no winners but know that whereas the man will go ahead to marry even the skirt he was browsing then, the woman will likely get stuck and sulking.
ReplyDeleteMadam, do everything within your power to fix your marriage instead of making allies and
fighting wars.
When the chips are down, her "allied powers" father in law will not even remember that she exists.
DeleteBecause the women want to get stuck and sulking. Who says they can't move on like the men. Abeg we are too emotional jars.. .
DeleteIn my opinion I don't think worried mom is completely wrong by telling the SIL off. The SIL is a grown woman, she lives with them, so she knows they are having issues, if she denies knowing, is either she's lying or she's just pretending.
ReplyDeleteThe SIL should not encourage the brother if he's behaving bad, it doesn't matter if she should be loyal to him or not. A spade should be called a spade.
I don't like in-laws who enjoy quarrel between couple and pretending they don't like it, just so they will become favorite person. meanwhile you don't even have a boyfriend...how would she understand what's going on.
worried mom, don't exchange words with your SIL, you told her off , leave it the way it is. You need to talk to your husband too.
God bless you for speaking the truth. It's unfortunate we see the truth and pretend we don't. The SIL is an adult and if ur brother calls you all the time to speak to his kids, common sense should tell you there is a problem. If he calls once, twice, thrice, the SIL should be able to tell her brother to call the wife rather tHan her. The tRuth is that the SIL is acting as an informant to the brother shikena.
DeleteUummhh Stella this your second paragraph get as e be. So she should keep quiet and watch her husband make her sister his new wife? No, I don't think keeping quiet will be the ideal thing.
ReplyDeleteNo mind her.
DeleteSometimes I don't understand Stella ooo..It actually most times...
Delete@Adanne
DeleteSo if she does not keep "quiet" make she keep shouting and blabbing and ranting. Who is writing chronicles now?
Who is threatened by a divorce and the loss of her kids?
You think that it is a matter of shouting and making empty noise?
Oh well, women are always at the 'BAD' receiving end. I bet you didn't see the abusive part to the story, so she should keep 'kwayet okwaya'
DeleteIt's better she's called a nagging wife than die in silence over an infidel and abuser, plus in-law that jams pikin, papa and mama head together.
Adanne, I am still coming back to read your advice. "Making noise or not keeping quiet" is not a piece of advice. What is the content of that "noise?"
DeleteWhat really should she have done or not done?
Stella to didn’t see the part she wrote emotional/physical abuse Abi.
ReplyDeleteAnd if she saw it?
DeleteShe has given her piece of advice. Give your own. This blog is enough to accommodate all the comments.
May God intervene in your marital issues
ReplyDeleteStella just said my mind. Poster just take Stella's advice.
ReplyDeleteMadam Pls try and make up with OGA,
ReplyDeleteAll I know is that the sister cannot claim not to know that they are having issues.
ReplyDeleteExactly, that's the height of pretense
DeletePoster, you sound like you have given up on your marriage. Sit your sister inlaw down and explain why you reacted that way (if 'guilty conscience is doing you). She could even be your ally in solving this marital wahala. She could watch your kids for a few days while you travel down to try to communicate and sort out issues with your man. Except you have made up your mind to leave lastlast. Your chronicle sounds like you are just waiting for the divorce to happen. I dont think you did anything wrong since she lives with you and can see but we do not know the attitude you used to tell her.....that could make a world of difference. Stop reporting upandan too. Give your marriage another shot. At least, satisfy your mind that you did your best.
ReplyDeleteStella your advice is wrong this time.the sis is not his wife.
ReplyDeleteNna mehn, make una give una advice and leave another persin with im own.
Delete👍
DeletePoster, like Stella said... put yourself in her shoes. What if she says no and her brother kicks her out (your husband seems like the mean type of person from what you described) and she doesn’t have anywhere to go? She also would try to not make a mess of her relationship with her brother, especially if she’s benefitting one way or another.
ReplyDeleteI dont think you should have ‘told her off’. I think you should have explained to her what she was up against with such actions and pleaded with her to apply wisdom in whatever she was doing. And also tell her that whatever the outcome, she should be assured you have her back. If she hasn’t been mean to you in the past, win her over in times of conflict not push her off. You seem frustrated by your husband’s actions but she’s not the bear the bulk of the blame. Have a sit down with her and discuss this.
Why would she not have anywhere else to go? Is the brother's house her father's
Delete...and why would she 'BEG' her? Really?
Hmmmm, it's not possible she isn't aware of the malice BTW her brother and sister in law. Some in- law enjoy the malice. She should have heard from her family member, not necessarily from you. Please don't sit here down to explain the issues you are having with her brother, she should go figure it out. The same people asking you to tell her what it is will still tell you not to involve a 3rd party. Coming to your problems, why not try and talk to your hubby 1st and if you ain't making a head way, involve other people. It takes a very very responsible and God fearing man to keep marriage oaths when not staying together.Distance is always a problem dear. You did well in telling her your mind. If she can't help and bring you people together, she shouldn't throw in more fuel to the already burning home.In this storm dear, please don't forget to seek the face of God. Good luck dear
ReplyDeleteChronicle writer is no longer interested in the marriage. She has a side dicck. She wont tell us that.
ReplyDeleteAnd the man in another state working has a side what? 😀😀
DeleteI don't understand some of u.. it takes 2 to tangle and besides when a man is cheating we know just to catch him red handed that's the issue we (women)re not fools u know
ReplyDelete"takes 2 to tangle?" sic
DeleteLooks like you and I will TANGO today?
Wetin you wan make them tangle in?
You see as I nak pidgin and web no explode?
No be the kin pigeon wey qb dey nak o
But why is a grown as woman living with a marries couple? Honestly, I lobe my peace, so help from a far. I love my small fam like it is...I can't add peopLe.
ReplyDeleteI don't understand why you all are blaming the woman, the husband is clearly using his sister to spite her, like he can reach his kids without her (wife). Tbh...its the spite that is pissing off the poster, so if the sister is not living with them the man won't speak with his kids? Common...he Is not mature at all cos a mature parent will put quarrels aside for the sake of their kids, the woman shld not be made to feel unimportant in her own home...its painful. Many of u talk rubbish but can't take same treatment. The SIL can make excuses like she's not available to give the kids her phone, that way, the man is forced to call his wife. Poster if u are reading this, don't fight ur SIL anymore leave her alone. In life we reap what we sow, keep calm, when u have opportunity to talk to your man, speak in a very mature and civilised manner so he gets what you are trying to communicate, not every time fight. The issues you face are not new, believe me. Just do your best for the sake of the kids, keep playing a fool and be working on your plan B. When the kids are a little grown and you still feel it's not working, then LEAVE. I wish you all the best.
ReplyDeleteSister in law is wrong to indulge her brother even when he's blatantly wrong. I believe there should be boundaries in every relationship. However, there is no balance of power between them since younger sister may not be in the position to counsel him or tell him what to do. Poster, how old is SIL? I assume she's prolly a young girl who doesn't know any better. It's understandable that you talked down at her because you're angry and feel ganged up against by the both of them.
ReplyDeleteThat said, its a peripheral issue compared to what's going on between you and hubby. So now, the focus should be more on fixing the communication issues btwn you and hubby at least for now for the kids sake while you seek a lasting solution to other issues. You both should be able to be civil towards each other when it comes to the children. It's sad that he doesnt understand that and would rather talk to the kids through his Sister.
If he can't even call you to talk to the kids then the rancour between you and him must be very serious and should be tackled now before it starts to affect the children.
You have every right to set boundaries in your relationship and in your home. Do not let anyone make you feel guilty for doing that but since you feel guilty afterwards, try approaching the issue from a calm and gentle perspective so as not to escalate the negative situation.
Goodluck
What you said was right, if the sister knew of the marital issues. However, if your husband does not even want to speak with you to put the children on to speak with him then you have really big problems. Perhaps you need to call him when you know he is off work and let the children speak to him then, that way you are taking control of the situation. Irrespective of what turmoil may be occurring in the home, that he does not see fit to converse with you is a major issue. It is obvious that if divorce does occur he plans to keep the children. He is slowly cutting you out. It is a pity you did not provide better background on your married life or if you even desire to stay in the marriage, that way you would get more relevant answers. Blood is thicker than water, so his sister is not going to go against his wishes, worse if she really needs a place to stay and have no other option but being there. In the 4 decades I have occupied space on God's earth I have rarely seen situations where the families truly become one after marriage. They will act like everything is okay, but the minute problems arises or divorce occurs they stick with their side of the family. I am not saying there are no occurrences where both families don't truly meld into one, I am saying that such is rare.
ReplyDeleteYou need to truly speak with your husband when next he visits. You need to know where the marriage stands. If he is adamant about getting a divorce then seek good legal advice so you can get custody of your children. If he is wishy washy and still showing you bad face then start stockpiling money, because if he does send you away you don't want to have nothing. Matter of fact, I would start siphoning what little money I could from now, but if you are from a well to do family money may not be an issue for you.
no sister in-law or any in-law will stay with me. them no get where them dey stay before i marry their brother? no one i repeat will stay with me.
ReplyDelete